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Rob Van Dam
^Thumbs.^
E-Fed Achievements: Official E-Fed Hall Of Fame: Inducted as Steve Corino (Class of 2004). CWO: Hall of Fame Inductee; CWO Caesar; Battle Royal Winner; World Heavyweight Champion (3); Intercontinental Champion; Tag Team Champion; Greatest Matches (2); Superstar of the Year (2002); Most Consistent (2002); Greatest Match Participant (2002); Best Angle (2002); Best Manager (2002). AWE: World Heavyweight Championship #1 Contender; Tag Team Champion. CWE: World Heavyweight Championship #1 Contender; Tag Team Champion; Hardcore Champion; Greatest Matches. HHF: Hall of Fame Inductee; World Heavyweight Champion (2); Intercontinental Champion; Tag Team Champion. HWF: World Heavyweight Champion (6); Intercontinental Champion; Tag Team Champion. TNW: World Heavyweight Champion. SPW(e): (Co) World Heavyweight Champion; Joint Royal Rumble Winner. sPw: Hall of Fame Inductee; the sPw Grandslam; World Heavyweight Champion; Intercontinental Champion (2); European Champion; Tag Team Champion. PWF: Intercontinental Champion; Tag Team Champion. RW: World Heavyweight Championship #1 Contender; Tag Team Champion. SGWx: World Heavyweight Championship Tournament Finalist. APW: X-Treme Champion; Greatest Matches. WDW: Intercontinental Champion. XWF: World Heavyweight Champion; Hardcore Champion; Power Rankings (2nd; 15/06/06) (1st; 22/06/06) (1st; 29/06/06) (2nd; 06/07/06) (2nd; 13/07/06) (1st; 20/07/06) (1st; 30/07/06) (1st; 04/08/06) (1st; 10/08/06) (1st; 17/08/06) (1st; 24/08/06); Top Five Rankings (10); Fighter of the Week (3); Brawl of the Week (4). SGW:
PWE Record: 0 - 0 - 0
Pure Wrestling Entertainment
Fade up PWE logo.
# PHIEEEET #
Fade in.
The screeching whistle greets us as it bounces off the acoustics of the bare corridor. We see Bill Alfonso standing uncomfortably (for us anyway) close to camera, throwing his hands about in a flurry. Behind his right shoulder stands a chilled looking Rob Van Dam with a relaxed smile on his face. Behind his left peers the menacing growl of Sabu.
Bill Alfonso: PURE WRESTLING ENTERTAINMENT, BABY! GET READY! ‘CAUSE I’M BILL ALFONSO! AND I’M THE MAN WHO CALLS IT RIGHT… DOWN… THE LINE! AND WE ALL JUST SIGNED A SIX-FIGURE CONTRACT EACH, DADDY! RIGHT DOWN THE DOTTED LINE! WE’RE HERE TO STAY! WE AIN’T GOING ANYWHERE! BILL ALFONSO, DADDY!
He points both thumbs in towards his chest.
Bill Alfonso: AND THIS IS SABU! HE’S SUICIDAL! HOMICIDAL! GENOCIDAL!
Fonzie turns round, pointing frantically at Sabue. Sabu inhales deeply, and tilts his head back slowly raising a finger into the air in the Magician of Arabia pose. RVD chuckles. Alfonso turns back round, flailing his hands around in the direction of RVD.
Bill Alfonso: AND THIS IS MR MONDAY NIGHT… ALSO KNOWN AS BE MR SATURDAY NIGHT BABY, SOON TO BE MR SUNDAY NIGHT! AT LEAST HE WILL BE, WHEN PAUL HEYMAN CHANGES THE DAY OF THE WEEKLY SHOW! ‘CAUSE HE’S THE WHOLE FUCKIN’ SHOW THAT’S WHY! HE’S ROB VAN…
RVD steps into the shot, patting Bill Alfonso on the shoulder with his hand in a calming manner.
Rob Van Dam: Whoa… relax, Fonzie. Everybody already knows my name.
Bill Alfonso: THEY BETTER, BABY, ‘ELSE THEY WON’T KNOW WHAT’S ABOUT TO HIT ‘EM!
Rob Van Dam: Trust me. They already know who I am, Fonzie. That’s why they’ve tuned in to this show in the first place.
RVD turns to shot with a pleased smile breaking the third wall.
Rob Van Dam: Am I right?
He chuckles and flashes a quick smile.
Bill Alfonso: YOU’RE ALWAYS RIGHT!
Rob Van Dam: Well, nearly… there was that time back in Venezuela, but… nah, you don’t want to hear about that. Sabu’ll tell you about it later.
Or at least he would if he could speak English.
Sabu growls.
Rob Van Dam: I know, man. What happened in Venezuela stays in Venezuela. Don’t worry about it.
Sabu looks incensed with anger. RVD tries to calm him down.
Rob Van Dam: Look, if it makes you feel any better Sabu she looked like a woman to me too. It was just one big misunderstanding… and whatever the hell that stuff was that you got for us off those locals, well, put it this way - there’s no way smoking that could have helped the situation either, dude.
Sabu bustles forward giving RVD a push in rage.
Rob Van Dam: Hey, take it easy, Sabu. It’s cool.
RVD taps the side of his nose with his index finger.
Rob Van Dam: Don’t worry about it, man. I’m not gonna’ tell anybody what happened…
RVD pauses and nods his head slowly with a wide-eyed expression.
Rob Van Dam: … Oh.
Sabu shakes his head in disgust.
Sabu: … … …
RVD turns back into shot with a little snigger.
Rob Van Dam: So, yea’… like I was saying Fonzie, just chill. Like you said; we’re here. And… like you said; we ain’t going anywhere, right? Right. We’re here in PWE because Mr Monday Night…
^Fluent-fast Thumbs.^
Rob Van Dam: … brought us to the top and single-handedly won our contracts through sheer ability.
Sabu draws RVD daggers. Rob turns round with a “what?” type expression, and shakes his head.
Rob Van Dam: No, Sabu, we are not here because of me getting us arrested for speeding in Ohio.
Yeah, it’s what they found in your car that got you arrested.
Rob Van Dam: That is SO not the case, dude. This is not a “fall-back” deal.
Sabu looks unconvinced.
Rob Van Dam: Hey look at it this way, the WWE was all wrong anyway, man. It had bad karma. It affected my flow.
Sabu cocks an eyebrow in confusion.
Rob Van Dam: You know, my flow of positive energy. My vibe was totally out over there.
Probably because of their Welfare Programme/Policy… whatever.
Rob Van Dam: Yea’… whatever, dude.
Wait… he heard me? No, phew’… he was talking to Sabu.
RVD turns back into shot.
Rob Van Dam: So, Pure Wrestling Entertainment? Hah, if I didn’t know any better I’d think Paul named this company after me. You see, I’m all about Pure Wrestling Entertainment. You could even say that I’m Pure Wrestling Entertainment personified. You look Pure Wrestling Entertainment up in ANY dictionary… nah, they get the point….
He looks at Fonzie and shakes his head dismissively.
Bill Alfonso: SAY IT, DADDY! TELL THEM WHAT YOU’VE GOT TO SAY!
Rob Van Dam: Okay, alright… if you insist.
He turns back to shot.
Rob Van Dam: You look the words Pure Wrestling Entertainment up in the dictionary and you’ll get a photo of me. And, if you happen to own the non-illustrated version….
Fonzie cuts in on super-hyperactive mode.
Bill Alfonso: YOU’LL SEE HIS NAME IN BOLD LETTERS!
Rob Van Dam: That’s Rob...
^Thumb.^
Rob Van Dam: Van...
^Thumb.^
Rob Van Dam: …Dam.
^Thumb.^
RVD scoffs looking into shot.
Rob Van Dam: But you already knew that.
Bill Alfonso: EVERYBODY KNOWS!
Rob Van Dam: And this week on PWE Championship TV, Paul Heyman has booked a match that’s gonna’ do exactly what it says on the tin.
Bill Alfonso: PURE WRESTLIN’ ENTERTAINMENT!
Rob Van Dam: Because if you want entertainment, you need look no further than the man they call the Whole Fuckin’ Show.
^Quick Thumbs.^
Rob Van Dam: And hey, Rey Mysterio isn’t all that bad either.
Rob ponders.
Rob Van Dam: Yea’, he’ll get better when he grows up.
And ponders some more.
Rob Van Dam: Oh no wait, he’s just short. I forgot.
Bill Alfonso: HE AIN’T BAD BUT THIS SATURDAY NIGHT… MARCH THIRTY-ONE… HE’S GONNA’ STINK!
Rob Van Dam: Whoa… hey now, isn’t that a little unfair? I mean, people think Rey’s going to stink the place up… but who wouldn’t, Fonzie, especially when you’re being compared to me.
Fonzie steps back, stroking his chin, you can hear him mouth quietly; “good point”. Well, quiet for him anyway.
Rob Van Dam: I mean, you have to feel sorry for him. Rey’s up against it this week, and unfortunately – for Rey that is – this week it’s gonna’ be super-extra tough. Why’s that I hear you all ask? Because I’m not just wrestling Rey Mysterio on Saturday Night, you see, I’m on a mission. A mission to prove that I deserve a slot in the PWE Heavyweight Title Tournament. Tournaments rule.
RVD goes off on a tangent.
Rob Van Dam: I’ll be just like Jean Claude in that movie The Quest when he totally kicked butt and became champion, only… only…
RVD smirks.
Rob Van Dam: … I’ll be better. But hey, I’m the best anyway, so that’s not too hard. So, Rey Mysterio you might be a Second Generation Superstar… and hey, that’s all good, it’s even pretty cool but it’s not quite Rob Van Dam.
^Minimum-effort casual Thumbs.^
Rob Van Dam: Second Generation? Nah, I’m not Second Generation. I couldn’t be. No, see, I’m one of a kind.
Bill Alfonso: AND YOU’RE A LOSER, REY! THIS SATURDAY NIGHT YOU’RE THE LOSER! HOW’D YOU LIKE THAT SHORT-MAN?!
# PHIEEEET #
Rob Van Dam: So I guess, that makes me the winner. But don’t worry, cause what I’m trying to say is that losing to Rob Van Dam…
^Lackadaisical Half-Thumbs.^
Rob Van Dam: … doesn’t make you a bad person, it just makes you like everyone else. But hey, look on the brightside you’ll be getting the ring-side tickets. I mean itt’s not every day you get to see first-hand why they call me…
^Thumbs.^
Rob Van Dam: An eight man tournament?
RVD scoffs.
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