Rated RKO
2 - 0 - 0

The Following Feature Has Been
RATED R

And May Contain:

Foul Language,
Excessive Violence
&
Strong Sexual Situations

AWA World Heavyweight Champion

Good Times, Great Sex.


Two.

Static.

Fade up.

Madison Square Gardens
New York City
Backstage Locker Room

Randy Orton bounds into the locker room filled with adrenaline, his fists clenched and a devilish grin on his face.

Randy Orton: The Heartbreak Kid just got his old, decrepit heart broken… courtesy of Rated RKO!

The door is pushed open and in slumps Edge, hinging his whole body weight against Lita in exhaustion, AWA title clutched in hand.

Randy Orton: Ladies and Gentlemen… the Champ is here! Yeah! Wooo!

Edge collapses onto the leather sofa with Lita and begins nuzzling into the crevasse of her neck.

Randy Orton: We did it champ, we did it! We are on top!

Lita begins whispering into Edge’s ear with a mischievous twinkle in her eyes. Edge takes a sip of water, instantly blurting it out.

Edge: You want to do what to me?!

Lita nods with a smug pout. Edge’s brief surprise disappears into a grin that branches from ear to ear. He raises his eyebrows and licks his lips.

Randy Orton: This is brilliant, it’s fantastic. Hey you know what Edge…let’s go hit the town in celebration, what do you say? There must be something we can do.

Orton looks over at Edge who is somewhat preoccupied what with his tongue being down Lita’s throat as they over-indulge themselves in lust.

Randy Orton: Edge?

Edge pulls away, his bottom lip bitten teasingly between Lita’s teeth. He looks a little annoyed.

Edge: What?

Randy Orton: Let’s hit the town, bro. Let’s celebrate like only we know how. What do’ya say?

Edge: Eh…

Randy Orton: What?

Edge: It’s just that…

Randy Orton: Come on tell me you’re not bailing on your own partner… are you?

Edge: Maybe some other time, Randy. You see, Lita and I have our own “private” celebration planned… if you know what I mean?

Edge raises his eyebrow which furrows into a devious wink. Orton looks unimpressed.

Randy Orton: No, I don’t know what you mean.

Edge: Well, put it this way, we’re gonna’ go back to that hotel room and we’re gonna’ celebrate alright, we’re going to have hot, wild, passionate, torrid SEX! Ain’t that right, babe?

Lita: You know it, baby.

Randy Orton: But…

Edge: But?

Randy Orton: I helped you win the title, man.

Edge: And, I appreciate it, bro. But tonight I have other plans… as surely you understand.

Randy Orton: So what am I supposed to do?

Lita: Maybe he could watch?

Lita shrugs her shoulders carelessly. Orton and Edge both look at Lita, and then at each other.

Edge: You said yourself, Randy, it’s New York City, there must be something to do.

Randy Orton: …

Edge: Like I don’t know, find yourself a girl or something. They practically fall at your feet anyway, it shouldn’t be too hard.

Randy Orton: It’s not about sex tonight. It’s about us. Don’t you see?

Edge glances at Lita and then back at Orton.

Edge: On the contrary my good friend, I’d say it’s all about the sex.

Randy Orton: You’re unbelievable, you know that?

Orton storms out of the locker room.

Edge: Catch you later, buddy.

Randy Orton: Whatever.

Edge looks a little stunned.

Edge: Tssh… what’s his problem?

Lita shrugs.

Lita: Maybe he doesn’t get enough?

Edge shakes it off and moves in on Lita.

Edge: Maybe he doesn’t get enough, but I… I can’t get enough of you.

Lita laughs as Edge begins to kiss his way down her neck.

Black.

Fade up.

Later that night…

The Trump International Hotel and Tower
New York City
Room 167
Honeymoon Suite

The room is in complete darkness but for silhouettes that are etched out by the tints of the neon night lights that manage to penetrate the silk curtains. There’s some “action” going on under the duvet. The moans of ecstasy are suddenly cut short.

Edge: What’s wrong?

Lita: Nothing. Well actually, I was wondering if you’d might like to put the title on… you know?

Edge: You want me to wear the title while I fuck you?

Lita: That alright? I mean you cool with that?

Pause of contemplation.

Edge: Hell Yeah I’m cool with that! I thought you’d never ask! I mean… if that’s what you want?

Lita: Mmm-hmmm.

A body jumps up “excitedly” from the four poster bed and begins rummaging around the clutter on the floor.

Edge: Let me get the belt.

Lita: Oh and babe?

Edge: Yea’?

Lita: Do me from behind this time.

Edge: Awhhhhhh….

Edge’s whole body trembles in excitement as he looks upwards towards the ceiling.

Edge: Thank you, God.

He pauses, and shakes his head.

Edge: No. Thank you, Orton.

Lita: What?

Edge: Nothing babe, I’m coming.

Lita: Well it’s not gonna’ be the last time you cum tonight.

Edge: I LOVE being champ.

Black.

Fade up.

Meanwhile…

The Trump International Hotel and Tower
New York City
Room 165

…next door.

The banging and screams/moans from the Honeymoon Suite next door seem amplified in the middle of the night. The shot pans showing a fully dressed Randy Orton sitting on the bedside chair.

Black.

Fade up.

The Next Day…

The Trump International Hotel and Tower
New York City
Room 165

A loud banging is heard on the door. A half dressed Orton arouses from his slumber and plods over to the door opening it rather grumpily.

Randy Orton: Yes?

In bursts Edge, fully exuberant after last nights escapades.

Edge: Ssshh-sshh!

He lunges on Orton with a huge hug.

Edge: Thank you man, thank you SO much. Last night was the BEST night of my entire life! Not only did I become the AWA World Champion but then with Lita – woah she made me feel like a champion over and over… and over again.

Randy Orton: Yeah, I heard.

Edge pats Orton on the chest.

Edge: She blew my mind last night! And it was all down to you, pal! I think the whole belt thing just turns her on something crazy. But hey, I just want you to know, from the bottom of my heart, I appreciate it. You RKO-ing Shawn Michaels near-but gifted me that title last night.

Rated RKO shake hands.

Randy Orton: Don’t mention it.

Edge: I owe you one. Actually going from last night… I think I owe you about six or seven times.

Randy Orton: Well as a matter of fact Edge… you could always return this favour this Monday night.

Edge: Woah hang on a minute, no way, you’re not wearing my title so you can have sex with some broad.

Randy Orton: No it’s not like that. You see, I have a rematch with Shawn Michaels this Monday.

Edge: Oh, I get it. Good as done, buddy.

Edge nods his head with a sadistic glint in his eyes.

Randy Orton: Yeah, good. ‘Cause it’s for the number one contendership.

Edge: Oh…

Edge’s face drops.

Edge: …right.

Randy Orton: So like you said last week, bro, “by any means necessary”. You know the drill.

Edge: Okay, fine. I got your back.

Black.

For The Attention of Rob Van Dam:

AWA Drug and Alcohol Policy

It is AWA's desire to provide a drug-free, healthy and safe workplace. While on AWA premises and while conducting business-related activities off premises, no employee may use, possess, distribute, sell or be under the influence of illegal drugs or alcohol (unless the use of alcohol is appropriate for the situation, such as in the case of a business dinner or cocktail party, in which case alcohol may be used only in moderation). The legal use of prescribed drugs is permitted on the job if it does not impair an employee’s ability to perform the essential functions of the job and in a safe manner that does not endanger other individuals in the workplace. Infraction upon said rules of conduct may result in disciplinary action, up to and including termination of contract.

Fade up.

McDonogh No.42 Elementary School
New Orleans, Louisiana
The 5th Grade

A teacher stands in front of her class holding the children’s full attention.

Teacher: Now, children, what you’ve been waiting for all day: our special guest speaker this afternoon who’s going to talk to you about the pitfalls of drug use… none other than AWA Superstar, Edge.

The children all clap and proclaim their excitement in a handful of cheerful joyous shouts. The teacher opens the door and in walks Edge who appears not so appropriately dressed in his Sex & Violence t-shirt, rugged stone-wash denim jeans and Rated-R skull cap. The AWA title slings buckled over his shoulder. He walks in confidently (arrogantly?) with a wide-toothy smile as he chews away on a piece of gum. He looks over at the teacher and gives his a sly little wink. Flustered she attempts to divert her attention to some school work in front of her.

Edge: Firstly, I want to personally thank Miss Richmond for inviting me here today to talk to you kids about the disadvantages of taking recreational drugs.

She has no option but to engage in eye contact and catch “the glint” in Edge’s. He chuckles to himself.

Edge: Secondly, I am pleased to announce that last Monday Night on the first episode of Allstar Wrestling Alliance I succeeded in becoming the AWA World Heavyweight Champion.

He taps the belt, but his smile soon fades. He turns his attention to the teacher, only he’s no longer playing… there’s an aura of anger in his tone.

Edge: So next time you introduce me, it’s AWA Champion… not AWA Superstar, huh, got that toots?

He nods his head somewhat sarcastically in a demeaning manner, the kids appear a little stunned… as does the teacher herself.

Edge: And I won this title because, unlike certain AWA Superstars, I don’t smoke weed or whatever you call it. No, you see, Winners Don’t Take Drugs. On the other hand, it’s losers that do drugs. If I could draw your attention to Example A.

Edge motions to a large flip chart that stands at the front of the class. He flips back the first page to reveal a poster of Rob Van Dam complete in “thumbs pose” with the ECW World Title around his waist.

Edge: Oh look, there’s the “Whole Dam Show”… or more like the “Whole First Match of the Show”, because you see as far as my memory serves me correct RVD wasn’t in the main event, in fact he didn’t even make it onto the television taping. When I was winning the main event, RVD was probably backstage smoking on a joint with his good friend the Brooklyn Brawler trying to remember the last time they actually won a match. Only it proved to be a little difficult considering the fact that long-term marijuana use results in killing brain cells and memory loss AND also because he absolutely sucks and hasn’t won a match since… since I don’t know when. In fact, you could say he’s the same as his name-sake Jean Claude’s performance in Street Fighter… yeah, that’s right… pathetic. And just like the film did at the Box Office, when it comes to the big stage RVD’s a flop too… in more than one department if you know what I mean. Prolonged drug use can result in impotence.

Edge holds up a pinky finger and points back to the poster.

Edge: What else do you notice about this poster? Yeah, exactly, he’s in his natural pose…

Edge does “the thumbs” and pulls a goofy vacant smile.

Edge: …of looking like a complete idiot. Look at that goofy grin of his. His glazed over eyes. His stupid expression. He’s “stoned” out of his head, oblivious to the world. Look at him, he thinks he can actually beat me. As if. Pfftt… I know, he must have smoked himself a little too silly. So what have we learned? Taking drugs can turn you into a complete moron. How else can you explain the fact that RVD thinks he can beat me? All that “wacky backy” has interfered with any possible logical thought pattern, and convinced him that he actually stands a chance against the Rated R Superstar. I know… it’s absurd to even think that he does, but that’s only ONE of the many side affects of taking drugs – a little something called hallucinations.

Edge shakes his head dismissively.

Edge: A hallucination which results in him calling himself “Mr Monday Night”… please, that’s hard to believe. How can he call himself Mr Monday Night when most of the time he doesn’t know what planet he’s on let alone what day of the week it is? But you see, it doesn’t matter what day of the week it is, Rob doesn’t have to try and work it out ‘cause you see if he really was “Mr Monday Night” then I’d be Mr Every Night of the Week seeing as how I’m THAT much better. Unlike Rob, I’m the AWA Champion. I’m a former two-time – count them – two-time WWE Champion. I was the most watched WWE Champion of the last five years. I’m…oh, I’m Mr Every Night of the Week… if you don’t believe me, you can just ask Lita.

Edge turns back to the poster with a sly little cocky smirk on his face.

Edge: What else do we see? Oh yeah… it’s the ECW World Title. WOW! Now that’s really something. Oh please, someone hold me up I’m so over-awed I think I might faint.

The kids don’t get the sarcasm, Edge moves on.

Edge: So what do we know? That by taking drugs you’ll probably wake up one day in a total dump like Extreme Championship Wrestling where you’ll be rolling around on barbed wire syringes, jumping through tables, and bleeding just to make the same level of living as a toilet cleaner. The ECW Title is nothing but a worthless piece of garbage in comparison to the belt around my waist. Everyone’s favourite superstar? Nah, I don’t think so. Then again, it wouldn’t be hard to be everyone’s favourite when you’re only alternatives are guys like Taz and Raven, hah.

Edge sneers.

Edge: These days, everyone’s got a new favourite… and that’s me. Not only am I better looking, I’m just plain better. And unlike Robbie V, I don’t do drugs because I’m a winner. I’m gonna’ prove it this Monday Night on “So It Begins” when I beat Rob Van Dam one – two – three! But it could have all been different, I mean Rob and I… we got a lot more in common than you might think. We both broke the glass ceiling and we did it because of our ability, we both even won the Money in the Bank Tournament. Only I took my ability, and I took my potential and I cashed in. I got to the top, where as Rob… well he got high. He wasted his potential, he squandered his ability, and when he gets into the ring with me at So It Begins – So It Will END for Rob Van Dam! But hey, that’s cool right… I mean everything’s cool when you’re Rob Van Dam, right? So it’s gonna’ be cool when I burst his little fantasy bubble and bring him down to earth. It’s even gonna’ be cool when I beat him to a bloody pulp.

Edge stammers…

Edge: But wait! Rob’s a turtle. Yes, he’s… a turtle. Pah, you see what drugs do to you children? Well, what can I say, I mean he’s got me there; no wait that’s it… I’m (1.) THE (2.) DAMN (3.) CHAMPION!

Edge mocks the “thumbs” and grins smugly.

Edge: And I’m champ for a reason.

An exclamation mark lights.

Edge: Oh yeah and moral of the story is… Just Say No To Drugs. That way you’ll end up a winner like me, instead of a loser like Rob Van Dam.

The children looks vaguely stunned to silence.

Black.

Fade up.

Edge stands with the AWA title grasped in both hands directly in front of the camera. Behind him stands Orton looking smugly arrogant as ever with his arms folded across his chest.

Edge: So this week Ed Famous wants a word with Randy and myself. As far as I know, he’s going to – dare I say - give us a…. “stern talking to”.

Edge turns to Orton who is beside himself with laughter.

Edge: I think I speak for the both of us when I say we’re shaking in our boots.

Sarcasm – lowest form of wit. Key component in most RKO promos.

Randy Orton: We’re SO scared.

Edge: You know what, “Ed”?

Edge strokes his bearded chin.

Edge: I don’t give a damn! We don’t care what you say… the bottom line is I’m the champ, and that’s all that matters.

Randy Orton: We don’t answer to anyone.

Edge: See, what Eddie Munster has forgot is the fact that I’m the AWA Champion – I call the shots around here. Without me… without us… he’s got nothing. Rated RKO practically owns this God-damn company! Ed’s gonna’ talk to me about my actions that are “unbecoming” of a champion? Hah. Please, I’ll tell him what’s going on.

Randy Orton: What’s he going to do? Tell us we’ve been bad little boys… pfffffffft.

Edge: I’m the Rated R Superstar, Ed, and make no mistake about it… I’ll do what I want, when I want AND there isn’t a damn thing that you, or anyone, can do about it.

Randy Orton: So Ed, you better get used to us doing things however the hell we want! That’s the way it’s going to be… PERMANENTLY!

Fade out.

Static.

Achievements: Official E-Fed Hall Of Fame: Inducted as Steve Corino (Class of 2004). CWO: Hall of Fame Inductee; CWO Caesar; Battle Royal Winner; World Heavyweight Champion (3); Intercontinental Champion; Tag Team Champion; Greatest Matches (2); Superstar of the Year (2002); Most Consistent (2002); Greatest Match Participant (2002); Best Angle (2002); Best Manager (2002). AWE: World Heavyweight Championship #1 Contender; Tag Team Champion. CWE: World Heavyweight Championship #1 Contender; Tag Team Champion; Hardcore Champion; Greatest Matches. HHF: Hall of Fame Inductee; World Heavyweight Champion (2); Intercontinental Champion; Tag Team Champion. HWF: World Heavyweight Champion (6); Intercontinental Champion; Tag Team Champion. TNW: World Heavyweight Champion. SPW(e): (Co) World Heavyweight Champion; Joint Royal Rumble Winner. sPw: Hall of Fame Inductee; the sPw Grandslam; World Heavyweight Champion; Intercontinental Champion (2); European Champion; Tag Team Champion. PWF: Intercontinental Champion; Tag Team Champion. RW: World Heavyweight Championship #1 Contender; Tag Team Champion. SGWx: World Heavyweight Championship Tournament Finalist. APW: X-Treme Champion; Greatest Matches. WDW: Intercontinental Champion. XWF: World Heavyweight Champion; Hardcore Champion; Power Rankings (2nd; 15/06/06) (1st; 22/06/06) (1st; 29/06/06) (2nd; 06/07/06) (2nd; 13/07/06) (1st; 20/07/06) (1st; 30/07/06) (1st; 04/08/06) (1st; 10/08/06) (1st; 17/08/06) (1st; 24/08/06); Top Five Rankings (10); Fighter of the Week (3); Brawl of the Week (4). SGW: XWF World Heavyweight Champion (Denounced); CWO World Heavyweight Champion; Gold of the Week (2); Formerly Banned. MLW: World Heavyweight Champion. AWA: World Heavyweight Champion (Current); In The Spotlight (1).