JACOBS: “The following match is scheduled for one fall …. And is for the New ERA of Wrestling WOMEN’s HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP!!! Introducing first…”
(CUEUP: ‘Angelwitch’. To an IMMENSE crowd pop, Foxx makes her appearance and hits the ring, ready for business.)
JACOBS: “She stands five foot nine and weighs 134 pounds .. from San Antonio, Texas .. FOXX!”
GHEORGHE: “Foxx looks to be in great condition for this match.”
JIVE: “I think she looks in good condition all year round. Good enough TO—”
GHEORGHE: “You know what? Let’s not even go there… I’m in not mood to hear it, and I’m sure it’s the same for the fans listening out there.”
JIVE: “How do YOU know what they want to hear? You wouldn’t even have a JOB if it weren’t for my quality commentary!”
GHEORGHE: “You’d like to think that, wouldn’t you?”
(CUEUP: ‘Don’t Cha’ by the Pussycat Dolls. The crowd begins to jeer heavily as Karla Starr walks out from behind the curtain and raises her hands in the air, the Women’s championship in her left one.)
JACOBS: “And her opponent …… she stands five foot ten and weighs 127 pounds … hailing from Boston, Massachusetts … she is the CURRENT New ERA of Wrestling WOMEN’s CHAMPION ……… KARLA STARR!!!!”
(SFX: Bell rings. Foxx immediately makes a beeline for Starr, tackling her to the mat.)
GHEORGHE: “There’s the bell, and—WHOA!! Foxx taking NO time going for Starr! Tackle to the mat, and Foxx digs into her with a barrage of punches!
JIVE: “Feisty one…”
GHEORGHE: “Foxx pulls the Women’s Champion from the mat… DRILLS her down again with a textbook rolling DDT! Karla up quickly in a panic… and Foxx PUTS HER DOWN AGAIN with a clothesline!”
JIVE: “Shit!”
GHEORGHE: “You can’t say that, Nick! This is a family show!”
JIVE: “It’s a Pay Per View! I’ll way whatever the fuck I want!”
GHEORGHE: “Foxx now, pulling Karla off the mat… there’s an Irish Whip to the ropes… DUCKS a Spinning Heel Kick from Foxx! Karla returns… UP FOR A HURRICAN—NO!! FOXX REVERSES INTO A POWERBOMB!!”
JIVE: “Goddamn this! She isn’t fighting fair! Karla should at least get a chance to defend herself!”
GHEORGHE: “Nick, she just boffed that reversal!”
JIVE: “Oh, go boff yourself!”
GHEORGHE: “Foxx, showing NO signs of relenting… she hits the rope… WHOA!! BEAUTIFUL flipping standing senton splash! She follows up with a cover… ONE……… TWO………… NO!! Starr with the kickout.”
JIVE: “Don’t count the champion out just yet!”
GHEORGHE: “I somehow expected it wouldn’t be that easy… and perhaps Foxx was thinking the same thing, cause now she’s got something else in mind!”
JIVE: “If it doesn’t involve Jell-O or baby oil, I don’t care to see it…”
GHEORGHE: “Foxx brings the Women’s Champion to her feet, and muscles her into the corner… Starr tries to fight back, but Foxx keeps her in line with a set of punches! Foxx scaling the second rope…”
JIVE: “She better not do what I think she’s doing…”
GHEORGHE: “Foxx with a TORNADO DDT—NO!! STARR REVERSES WITH A SPINEBUSTER! She’ll have none of that!”
JIVE: “Ha-HA!! There’s the Women’s Champ I remember!”
GHEORGHE: “Starr back on her feet, rests by the ropes to catch her breath after that punishing start of the match… Foxx, meanwhile, slow to get back to her feet. A little shaken from that last move that just came out of nowhere.”
JIVE: “Foxx is the kinda chick that belongs on her back, if you know what I mean?”
GHEORGHE: “Ugh… Karla Starr, meanwhile, in control, meets Foxx as she comes to her feet. BIG chop across the chest, sending Foxx back to the mat! Follows up with an elbow drop! And now the Women’s Champion is kicking her while she’s down!”
JIVE: “Time to turn the tables!”
GHEORGHE: “Karla grabs Foxx by the arm and YANKS her to her feet… locks on a tight Arm Wrench! Foxx is trying to fight it, but Karla PUTS HER DOWN with a heel kick to the face! Foxx is quick to get back to her feet, knowing she can’t get anything going on her back…”
JIVE: “Oh, I bet she can get MANY things going on her—”
GHEORGE: “Save it, Nick. Karla meets Foxx as she rises with a HARD right hand that knocks her into the ropes! Karla bounces her off with a whip! Foxx returns… LEAPFROGS a back body drop… Karla hits the ropes… Foxx goes up for a CROSS BODY BLO—OH NO, SHOT DOWN WITH A POWERSLAM from Karla Starr!”
JIVE: “Now THIS is the match I was expecting to watch. Completely one-sided, with Karla in full control…”
GHEORGE: “Starr goes for the cover… ONE….. TWO…….. NO!! Foxx with a kickout.”
JIVE: “Of course, the only thing that would make it better is if we added some tearing of the clothes. And what about that mud pit match? We need another one of those, with ALL the women in this fed!”
GHEORGHE: “I’m sure that would be your ideal wet dream, Jive. Watching a bunch of women mud wrestle while you sit out here and watch, concealing your boner under the table.”
JIVE: “Oh no! I’d be the special guest referee! I’d want in on that action!”
GHEORGHE: “My God, Nick… you are, beyond words…”
JIVE: “Heh, that’s the exact same thing you WIFE said to me last night!”
GHEORGHE: “Just shut the hell up and focus on the match, would you?”
JIVE: “Believe me, this is one match I’d HATE to miss!”
GHEORGHE: “Karla doesn’t seem happy with the ref about the timing of the count, and that gives Foxx the opportunity to get back to her feet. Karla goes back to continue the fight, and Foxx, suddenly, with a STANDING DROPKICK—”
JIVE: “SHUT DOWN! HAHAHAHA!! You can’t fool the Women’s Champ that easily!”
GHEORGHE: “Starr is going for Foxx’s legs, but Foxx is kicking back! Starr drops an ELBOW into Foxx’s inner thigh! Starr takes initiative while her opponent is hurt… and she locks on A BOSTON CRAB!!”
JIVE: “HA!! This one is over!!”
GHEORGHE: “Foxx is fighting the pain, reaching out for the ropes, but she’s too far away! Starr strains the hold, and Foxx SCREAMS in agony!”
JIVE: “Only a matter of time until she taps now.”
GHEORGHE: “Don’t count your blessings too soon, Nick, because Foxx seems to be fighting it! She’s showing no signs of giving up!”
JIVE: “Give it a moment…”
GHEORGHE: “And now—oh my GOD—Foxx is beginning to inch her way to the ropes!”
JIVE: “WHAT? Damn, that bitch doesn’t know when to quit!”
GHEORGHE: “What ENDURANCE! What DETERMINATION!! Foxx is now VEEEERRRRY SLOOOOOWWLY making her way to that bottom rope! Starr can hardly believe it! She’s putting everything she can into that hold, and it’s coming to no avail!”
JIVE: “You have GOT to be kidding me! Doesn’t she know when to give up? It’s futile!”
GHEORGHE: “Foxx, now, just a foot away from that bottom rope… INCHES away… CENTIMETERS… and—OH NO!!”
JIVE: “OH YES!! Karla just pulled her back into the middle of the ring and applied the hold again! HAHA!!”
GHEORGHE: “Foxx was SO CLOSE… but STILL, she’s fighting the pain, and inching forward!”
JIVE: “I don’t freaking believe it!”
GHEORGHE: “She’s determined to win, Nick! She’s not going to let herself lose this easily! Foxx crawling her way forward……. But Karla digs her heels into the mat and stops her! Foxx is unable to progress, and yet STILL she pushes the ref away when he asks her if she’s going to tap!”
JIVE: “Break her back, Karla! Snap it like a twig! Give the DYKE what she wants!”
GHEORGHE: “NICK! Show some RESPECT!”
JIVE: “Me? Respect women? HA!”
GHEORGHE: “It’s a wonder how you sleep at night. Back in the ring, Foxx is… oh wait, YES!! FOXX IS REVERSING THE HOLD!!”
JIVE: “WHAT?! IMPOSSIBLE!!”
GHEORGHE: “And now it’s FOXX with the SHARPSHOOTER locked on!! Starr is SCREAMING in pain, but quickly she takes advantage of her position and grabs the nearby bottom rope on the other side of the ring! The ref is now telling Foxx to release the hold!”
JIVE: “Release that hold, damnit!”
GHEORGHE: “Foxx lets go, and Karla shoots back to her feet! Starr with a clothesline—DUCKED by Foxx! Starr turns around—STRAIGHT INTO A SUPERKICK!!”
(The fans explode!)
JIVE: “GODDAMNIT!! Would somebody shut these morons up?”
GHEORGHE: “Foxx has just turned this match right around! She’s scaling to the top rope… SHOOTING STAR PRESS!! OH MY GOD, SHE NAILED IT!!”
JIVE: “BULLSHIT!!”
GHEORGHE: “Foxx hooks the leg for the cover, and this audience is WILD!! ONE……….. TWO……… THR—NO!! Starr with the kickout…”
JIVE: “Damn right. This foolishness has gone on for a little too long.”
GHEORGHE: “This fight is taking its toll on both of these fine female athletes, but I get the feeling neither is ready to give in just yet. Foxx is getting Karla back onto her feet… DRILLS HERS TO THE MAT AGAIN with a BEAUTIFUL Dragon Suplex! She is REALLY taking control of things here!”
JIVE: “She’s a whore!”
GHEORGHE: “Oh give me a break, Nick! Why is it that every time a MAN gets mad at a WOMAN, the first thing he does is call her a whore?”
JIVE: “Because she is, damnit! I am the man, and I can get away with it!”
GHEORGHE: “My God, you are such a chauvinist, it even makes ME ashamed to be a man sometimes!”
JIVE: “Well, we all know you’re secretly a woman inside, Tom! That’s why you’ve got all those dresses stuffed away in your closets, and I’ve seen what you do every Sunday afternoon…”
GHEORGHE: “I already told you, those were traditional Japanese robes I brought back as souvenirs, and I like to wear them on Sushi Nights in my home, with my WIFE, and CHILDREN!”
JIVE: “Whatever you say, Tootsie, although I sometimes wonder if you’re just as excited watching MWG as I am watching the ladies.”
GHEORGHE: “Back to the match… Foxx is bringing a VERY exhausted and beaten Karla Starr to her feet. There’s a whip to the ropes… Starr returns, and is sent into a BACK BODY DROP OVER THE ROPES TO—OHWAITAMINNUT!! Starr drops safely onto the APRON!!”
JIVE: “Falls like a feather, she does!”
GHEORGHE: “Foxx turns around, and Starr CATCHES HER WITH A SUPLEX TO THE OUTSIDE!! Foxx falls ON THE PADDED CONCRETE while Karla slips back into the ring…”
JIVE: “HA! Take THAT, you… WHORE!”
GHEORGHE: “Ugh… Foxx manages to get to her feet on the outside, but Starr watches from in the ring… Starr takes ahold of the top rope, goes for a SPRINGBOARD CROSS BODY BLOCK—AND FOXX ROLLS OUT OF THE WAY!! STARR FALLS FACE-FIRST ONTO THE CONCRETE FLOOR!”
JIVE: “WHAT?! That BITCH! That SKANK! That SLUT!”
GHEORGHE: “You better watch it, Nick! Any more lawsuits from those women’s rights activists, and Marceau will shit-can your ass before you can say ‘how do you turn your dishwasher into a snow-blower’.”
JIVE: “Hand the bitch a shovel, naturally.”
GHEORGHE: “Foxx brings Karla back to her feet… grabs her by the head, and SMASHES it into the apron!! Karla reels back, and Foxx takes her by the arm… WHIPS HER INTO THE STEEL STEPS!!”
JIVE: “JEEZUSS!! I don’t know how much more of this I can take!”
GHEORGHE: “Foxx slips into the ring briefly to break the ref’s count at eight… and she goes back to work on the Women’s Champion! Now she’s leading her… uh-oh, they’re coming around here!”
JIVE: “Good! Now I’m in spitting distance of Foxx! Not that I fear retaliation; she’s an obvious SWALLOWER!!”
GHEORGHE: “Starr, finds the strength to push Foxx off of her! And Foxx strikes back with a SIDEKICK to the—”
(The audio briefly cuts following a loud BANG as Starr, taking a kick to the mid-section, is driven back into the table. After a second of feedback, the commentary returns.)
GHEORGHE: “…INTO THE TABLE!! My God, talk about getting an up close and personal look at the action!”
JIVE: “Right here, baby! Show me what you’re momma gave—OOMPH!!”
(Starr ducks a clothesline attempt from Foxx, who inadvertently clubs Nick Jive out of his chair and into the barricade, where he is smothered by ringside fans.)
GHEORGHE: “OH MY GOD!! NICK! NICK, ARE YOU OKAY? Ladies and gentlemen, NICK JIVE just got an UP CLOSE experience with this match, after being accidentally CLOTHESLINED by Foxx!! Starr grabs her from behind… NO!! Foxx shrugs her off with an elbow to the face!! Foxx with a kick to the gut… LIGER BOMB!! RIGHT HERE, OUTSIDE THE RING!! OH MY GOD!! Nick! Nick, are you okay?!
JIVE: “GET OFF ME, you sweaty redneck bastards! GODDAMNIT!! That BITCH!! I’ll sue the goddamn pants off her!!”
GHEORGHE: “I can’t help but think this is just karma playing itself out, Nick…”
JIVE: “FUCK KARMA!! That bitch ASSAULTED me!!”
GHEORGHE: “Still interested in being the ref in that mud wrestling match?”
JIVE: “FUCK YOU, TOM!!”
GHEORGHE: “Foxx hits the ring again to break the count… she is in FULL CONTROL of this match! She sets… oh-no, she’s now setting Karla Starr onto THIS VERY TABLE!!”
JIVE: “I’d rather this match GET THE HELL AWAY FROM US!!”
GHEORGHE: “Foxx scales the apron…”
JIVE: “Karla, wake up!!”
GHEORGHE: “Don’t get involved, Nick!”
JIVE: “Karla, snap out of it!”
GHEORGHE: “Foxx set up on the apron… going for an ASAI MOONSAULT—”
(Audio cuts out briefly again as Karla Starr rolls out of the way—or rather, is PUSHED out of the way by Nick Jive—causing Foxx to crash through the commentary table!)
GHEORGHE: “OH MY GOD IN HEAVEN!! OH GOD!! FOXX JUST WENT THROUGH OUR VERY COMMENTARY TABLE!!”
JIVE: “HA!! NOW THAT’S WHAT EYE CALL KARMA!!”
GHEORGHE: “Folks, our table, it’s just… it’s SMITHEREENS! Fortunately, our equipment is intact, but… I don’t know if I can say the same about Foxx. She looks VERY hurt, ladies and gentlemen!”
JIVE: “That’s what she gets for fucking with Nick Jive!”
GHEORGHE: “Karla Starr, now… stirring herself back to her feet, and MY GOD, does she look angry! She brings Foxx to her feet, and now she’s taking her to the ring post… DRIVES HER FACE FIRST INTO THE RING POST!! OH MY GOD!! GOD IN HEAVEN, FOXX IS DEAD!!”
JIVE: “Kill the bitch!!”
GHEORGHE: “Foxx is cut open from being driven into that steel ringpost, and Karla Starr is now ready to end this!! She rolls Foxx back into the ring, and now she’s going up to the apron… up to the TOP ROPE…”
JIVE: “This is it!”
GHEORGHE: “Starr is waiting for Foxx to return to her feet… and Foxx, very slowly, comes up, and touches the open wound on her head! Starr FROM THE TOP ROPE—MISSILE DROPKICK!! SHE JUST FLATTENED FOXX!!”
JIVE: “YEEEEAAAAAH!!”
GHEORGHE: “Starr goes for the cover…… ONE………………….. TWO………………………. THREE!”
JIVE: “SHE DID IT!”
