JACOBS: “The following match is a special POLE on a POLE match! The object is to ascend the turnbuckles, reach the … pole … and get it off. Once the …. Pole .. is in play, it can be used by anyone as a weapon. Introducing first….”
(CUEUP: 'Sigur 1 (Vaka)' by Sigur Ros. Peter File and Lilly step through the curtain. Lilly is wearing her typical overalls and pigtails while File is wearing clear, tight plastic pants … with a thong underneath.)
JIVE: “And I think some of the parents are going to wish they got blindfolds as well…”
JACOBS: “Hailing from New Haven, Connecticut … he stands six foot one and weighs 205 pounds ….. PETER FILE!”
GHEORGHE: “File was once again missing in action leading up to the pay per view … forcing many to speculate what he’s been doing..”
JIVE: “He was probably sitting at home jerking off to the MWG and Michaels’ promos.”
JACOBS: “And his opponent…”
(CUEUP: 'Faggot' by Mindless Self Indulgence. MWG comes out on the rampway.)
GHEORGHE: “Oh my lord…”
JIVE: “GROSSARD HAS A BALL IN HIS MOUTH!!”
(Grossard starts walking down the ramway. He is wearing only a black leather thong, and a S&M ball chained around his face.)
JACOBS: “He…. Hails …. From where the sun shines and the birds sing …. Standing six foot three and weighing in at 232 pounds… MADONNA WAYNE GROSSARD!”
GHEORGHE: “Thank god for that disclaimer .. and thank god we’re on pay per view … jeezus we could have gotten fined heavily.”
JACOBS: “And introducing last… he hails from West Hollywood, California…”
(CUEUP: ‘Money, Success, Fame, Glamour’ by Felix da Housecat. The lights go down and strobe lights hit … ‘King of the Club Kids’ Beau Michaels walks out wearing tight short shorts, and no shirt. He has Cyndi Lauper circa 1984 eye makeup on.)
GHEORGHE: “Well at least Michaels wore something that has an ass on the back.”
(Michaels stops and points to the back. A giant chicken comes down leading five young men by chains .. the young men are wearing chains around their waist. They’re not wearing much else. On their backside is a little circle sign saying ‘Entry Here’ and on the front, their penises are covered by crew socks, which are held in place by the chains.)
GHEORGHE: “My mother would have me committed for agreeing to call a match like this …”
JIVE: “Look at File and MWG!! They’re practically DROOLING!”
JACOBS: “He is … THE KING OF THE CLUB KIDS ……….. BEAU MICHAELS!”
(SFX: Bell rings)
JIVE: “Let’s get this porno over as quickly as we can.”
GHEORGHE: “Wait .. the referee is telling Michaels that he’s going to have to have his entourage of young bo, err.. men leave the ringside area!”
JIVE: “Michaels is visibly upset … and MWG and File still haven’t taken their eyes off them!”
GHEORGHE: “That giant chicken, who I’m told is Michaels’ manager lets go of the chain .. and the boys stand there … and finally the chicken slaps them on the entry signs and they run up the ramp…”
JIVE: “Now we can have a real … fuck it, this isn’t going to be a real match anyway.”
GHEORGHE: “File and MWG watch until they make it to the curtain and now all men are in the center of the ring … Michaels pushes MWG … MWG comes back … AND HE DROPS MICHAELS TO THE MAT AND IS SITTING ON TOP OF HIM TRYING TO TAKE OFF HIS SHORT SHORTS!”
JIVE: “Peter File, meanwhile, was making a b-line to the dildo .. but once he saw MWG bend over he stopped in his tracks! Now he’s sneaking up on MWG!”
GHEORGHE: “File getting ready .. AND FILE TAKES TWO HANDFULLS OF MWG ASS AND SQUEEZES AS HARD AS HE CAN! MWG gets off Michaels and gets up to face File! AND NOW MWG and FILE ARE BEARHUGGING EACH OTHER IN THE MIDDLE OF THE RING! MWG is grinding his hips rubbing up against File’s legs…”
JIVE: “He’s trying to soften up File mentally … by getting him to think with his dick, and not with his brain… or … he’s just trying to fuck File .. I haven’t decided yet.”
GHEORGHE: “Beau Michaels now buttoning the top of his short shorts back up as he gets to his feet … he licks his lips as he sees File and MWG embraced … Michaels decides against it and he is running over to the corner! BEAU MICHAELS IS TRYING TO GET THE POLE!”
JIVE: “Just call it what it is, already .. a dildo.”
GHEORGHE: “MWG sees this … AND HE PUSHES FILE TO THE MAT!”
JIVE: “I hope he didn’t skin his knees …”
GHEORGHE: “Beau Michaels on the top turnbuckle reaching .. AND MWG NOW GRABS AHOLD OF THE BACK OF HIS SHORT SHORTS!”
(SFX: Crowd gasps. Some whistles are heard.)
GHEORGHE: “MICHAELS SHORT SHORTS COME DOWN AND MWG HAS A HUGE SMILE ON HIS FACE!”
JIVE: “And from the looks of it, has a huge smile elsewhere too…”
GHEORGHE: “Michaels …. MICHAELS JUST JUMPED OFF THE TURNBUCKLE AND HE LANDS ON MWG!! OH MY GOD. Michaels’ bare ass is in the face of MWG!!! The ref looks STUNNED … but he goes down for the count ….. ONE ……………… TWO ………………. THREE!”
JIVE: “No! Peter File broke it up!”
GHEORGHE: “MWG made no effort to get Michaels’ ass off his face and luckily Peter File pushed Michaels off or MWG would have been eliminated!”
JIVE: “Now what is File doing?!”
GHEORGHE: “PETER FILE IS LYING DOWN AND HE’s ASKING MICHAELS TO SIT ON HIS FACE!”
JIVE: “…..”
GHEORGHE: “Exactly! Michaels nods and is walking over File …. BUT MWG grabs ahold of him and YANKS HIM AWAY!”
JIVE: “Uh, oh! Cat fight!”
GHEORGHE: “And now Peter File is up and he’s yelling at MWG! MWG does a reach around and starts massaging the front of Michaels’ crotch … AND PETER FILE CLOTHESLINES THEM BOTH AND THEY BOTH GO TO THE MAT! Peter File picks up MWG .. AND HE RIPS THE BALL RIGHT OUT OF HIS MOUTH!”
JIVE: “Isn’t that like … taboo to do to an S&M freak?”
GHEORGHE: “I don’t know … but now Peter File is putting some fists to the mouth of MWG …. He tosses MWG into the corner …. AND NOW HE STRADDLES MWG JAMMING HIS CROTCH INTO HIS FACE!”
JIVE: “Michaels is going for the dildo!”
GHEORGHE: “Beau Michaels sees File and MWG in the corner … and he runs to the other corner! Michaels is on the top turnbuckle again .. AND HE GRABS THE DILDO OFF THE POLE!”
JIVE: “I guess this is where I would say that the fun will begin…”
GHEORGHE: “Michaels walking up behind Peter File … AND HE WHOPS HIM IN THE BACK OF THE HEAD WITH THE DILDO AND FILE GOES TO THE MAT!”
JIVE: “All three men agreed to the hard dildo … I guess none of them enjoy jelly ones.”
GHEORGHE: “MWG now grabbing the dildo away from Michaels … AND NOW LILLY IS GETTING ON THE APRON!”
JIVE: “She needs to do something to try to save her man!”
GHEORGHE: “Lilly is yelling at Michaels and Grossard ….”
(SFX: Crowd pops.)
GHEORGHE: “AND LILLY JUST DROPPED HER TOP AND IS SHAKING HER MILKSHAKES!”
JIVE: “OH YES!”
GHEORGHE: “Michaels and MWG glance at Lilly …. AND THEN THEY GO BACK TO FIGHTING OVER THE DILDO! It didn’t seem to phase them one bit!”
JIVE: “Well it doesn’t surprise me … but GAWD what a set of knockers!”
GHEORGHE: “The referee is asking her politely to cover herself up .. and Lilly looks shocked that she didn’t even manage to get a stare by either man!”
JIVE: “Maybe if she were a she-male and revealed that it would have been more beneficial…”
GHEORGHE: “Lilly now huffs as she buttons her top back up, much to the chagrin of the men in the audience…”
JIVE: “Do you really think that any straight man in the audience isn’t wearing a blindfold right now?”
GHEORGHE: “Peter File is now on his knees …. AND HE GRABS A FISTFULL OF MICHAELS’ BALLS … AND HE IS SQUEEZING THEM! Michaels lets out a yelp … AND MWG JAMS THE DILDO IN THE OPEN MOUTH OF BEAU MICHAELS!”
JIVE: “Look at Grossard work that thing! He’s a pro! I can tell!”
GHEORGHE: “The referee over now to see if Beau is going to give …. But Michaels only winks at him! Peter File now on his feet and he hooks Michaels from behind … AND HE THRUSTS HIS HIPS INTO MICHAELS BEFORE TAKING HIM OVER IN A GERMAN SUPLEX! File with the bridge ……. ONE …………. TWO ………. THRE—NO MWG BREAKS IT UP!”
JIVE: “Grossard dropped to the mat and started sucking on the clear pants of File … and that distracted File enough to force him to break the hold!”
GHEORGHE: “File to his feet … MWG TRIES TO FORCE FEED FILE THE DILDO .. BUT FILE DUCKS …. MWG TURNS AROUND …. AND PETER FILE LOCKS HIS ARMS …. AND MWG HAS NOW PLANTED A KISS ON THE LIPS OF PETER FILE! MWG AND PETER FILE ARE FRENCHING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE RING!”
JIVE: “File looking weak in the knees…”
GHEORGHE: “Peter File tightens his grip again on MWG … AND HE BRINGS HIM OVER WITH A BELLY TO BELLY SUPELX!”
JIVE: “I definitely didn’t think there’d be any wrestling involved tonight .. but I guess there is, even if it is spiked with homoeroticism.”
GHEORGHE: “Michaels sees the dildo lying next to both men and he is crawling over to it! Peter File has now set up MWG in the corner …. File turns to get the dildo .. BUT MICHAELS HAS IT AND HE’S HOLDING ON TO IT FOR DEAR LIFE! MWG slumping into the corner … FILE IS NOW BENDING OVER TO WRESTLE THE DILDO FROM MICHAELS AND HIS ASS IS THRUSTING IN THE FACE OF THE SLUMPED GROSSARD!”
JIVE: “Grossard is loving it! Wait … a … oh no. Please, no!”
GHEORGHE: “GROSSARD IS WRITHING IN THE CORNER …. AND HE LETS OUT A HUGE MOAN! WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED!”
JIVE: “Believe me, Tom .. you DON’T want to know!”
GHEORGHE: “Peter File looks up and raises an eyebrow … Beau Michaels wrenches the dildo from his hands and rolls out of the ring …. AND HERE COMES LILLY TO TRY TO GET IT AWAY FROM HIM! BEAU MICHAELS AND LILLY ARE FIGHTING OVER THE DILDO ON THE OUTSIDE!”
JIVE: “Oh god … look at MWG.”
GHEORGHE: “MWG is putting his hand down the front of his jockstrap ……. Peter File turns around ….. AND MWG JUST YANKED HIS HAND OUT AND SMEARED SOMETHING IN HIS EYES!!! PETER FILE IS YELLING OUT!”
JIVE: “MWG EJACULATED INTO HIS JOCKSTRAP JUST SECONDS AGO!”
GHEORGHE: “OH FUCK! GROSSARD JUST SMEARED HIS EJACULATE INTO THE EYES OF PETER FILE! AND FILE IS WALKING AROUND THE RING RUBBING HIS EYES!”
JIVE: “That STINGS!”
GHEORGHE: “And how would YOU know, Nick?”
JIVE: “Uh .. or so I’ve been told.. by the many women whose eyes I’ve shot in. Yea.”
GHEORGHE: “PETER FILE TURNS AROUND …. AND MWG WITH A SUNSET FLIP ……… ONE ……………. TWO ……………… THREE!!!”
JACOBS: “Peter File has been eliminated!”
GHEORGHE: “File is eliminated …”
JIVE: “How fitting! File uses the Fistfull of Seamen Step Over Toe Hold as his finisher … and tonight he was eliminated by a fingerfull of semen!”
GHEORGHE: “Lilly hears this and Michaels rips the dildo out of her hands!! Michaels rolls back in the ring as the referee is trying to help File out of the ring! Lilly grabs Peter File and they’re running up the ramp! Peter File is still in pain!”
JIVE: “And MWG IS LIGHTING UP A CIGARETTE!”
GHEORGHE: “Grossard takes a few puffs of his cigarette, but quickly tosses it as he sees Michaels coming in the ring … AND MICHAELS IS LOOKING AT THE WET STAIN THAT HAS FORMED IN THE FRONT OF MWG’s JOCKSTRAP AND HE LOOKS LIKE HE’s GOING TO BE IN TEARS!”
JIVE: “I think Michaels wanted to be the one to make Grossard …. You know.”
GHEORGHE: “MWG now assuring Michaels that he can go again … AND MICHAELS CHARGES AT HIM WITH THE DILDO EXTENDED! Grossard with a drop toe hold and Michaels goes to the mat! MWG NOW MOUNTING THE BACK OF BEAU MICHAELS …. AND HE IS RUBBING THAT SOAKED JOCKSTRAP ON THE BACK OF MICHAELS!”
JIVE: “And Michaels is trying to get himself turned around!”
GHEORGHE: “BEAU MICHAELS TURNS AROUND AND NOW MANAGES TO USE HIS TEETH TO REVEAL MWG’s TESTICLES!”
JIVE: “I think I’m about to faint.”
GHEORGHE: “Take a few more swigs, Nick.. I need you here …”
JIVE: “I don’t trust you with me if I fainted anyway! I’m sure they’re giving you some ideas!”
GHEORGHE: “MICHAELS NOW LICKING THE NUTS OF MWG … AND MWG is LOOSENING HIS GRIP ON THE ARMS OF MICHAELS …. AND NOW GROSSARD IS USING ONE HAND TO TAKE THE JOCKSTRAP OFF!!! Grossard having some problems using one hand getting the strap over .. the noticeable bulge protruding ….”
JIVE: “WAIT A SECOND! BEAU MICHAELS GRABS THE DILDO THAT WAS LYING NEXT TO HIM AND HE POPS MWG IN THE FACE! Michaels, while I’m sure terribly aroused by the situation, was conning Grossard into giving him some leeway!”
GHEORGHE: “Grossard falls back .. and now Michaels is up …. AND MICHAELS TAKES A PEEK DOWN GROSSARD’s JOCKSTRAP ANYWAY … AND MICHAELS WITH A HUGE SMILE ON HIS FACE AS HE LICKS HIS LIPS ….. OH MY GOD, MICHAELS IS GOING TO GIVE FELLATIO RIGHT IN THE RING!”
JIVE: “WAIT! MWG WITH A SMALL PACK… nevermind, I can’t even bring myself to say it!”
GHEORGHE: “ONE ……….. TWO …….. KICKOUT BY MICHAELS!”
JIVE: “Beau Michaels is up … AND HE BRINGS MWG DOWN WITH A CLOTHESLINE!”
GHEORGHE: “Michaels now picking up MWG … AND HE’s GOING TO TOMBSTONE HIM! Of all the homoerotic moves in wrestling, the tombstone piledriver has to be the most appropriate to use right now!”
JIVE: “It’s a standing 69 just waiting to happen!”
GHEORGHE: “MICHAELS HAS MWG IN THE TOMBSTONE POSITION … AND MWG HAS JUST UNZIPPED MICHAELS SHORT SHORTS …. AND HE BURIES HIS HEAD INTO THE CROTCH OF BEAU MICHAELS ………………”
JIVE: “I .. uh … um ..”
GHEORGHE: “Michaels eyes are rolling in the back of his head …. AND FINALLY MICHAELS CAN’T HOLD ON TO MWG ANY LONGER AND HE FALLS BACKWARDS!!! MWG LANDING ON TOP OF MICHAELS AND HE ZIPS HIS PANTS BACK UP! ONE ……….. TWO …………..”
JIVE: “WAIT! MWG rolled off of Michaels!”
GHEORGHE: “For some reason, Madonna Wayne Grossard stopped the pinfall … AND NOW I KNOW WHY! GROSSARD HAS THE DILDO … MWG propping the legs of Michaels up ….. AND HE IS TRYING TO FORCE THE DILDO IN THE ANUS OF BEAU MICHAELS!”
JIVE: “But Michaels’ short shorts are in the way!”
GHEORGHE: “Beau Michaels looking down to see whats happening … and and HE IS LICKING HIS LIPS!!! BEAU MICHAELS BEGINNING TO MOAN AS MWG IS THRUSTING THE DILDO INTO THE BACK OF THE SHORT SHORTS!”
JIVE: “The ref … is totally unsure of what to do … so he’s asking Michaels if he wants to give up! And Michaels is shaking his head no as he starts moaning louder!”
GHEORGHE: “MWG now stops … and Michaels looks at him…. MWG saying “Do you want it?” ……”
(SFX: Crowd groans.)
GHEORGHE: “OH HOLY HELL! MWG WITH ONE LAST SHOVE AND THE DILDO RIPS THROUGH BEAU MICHAELS’ SHORT SHORTS!!! MWG IS PUSHING THE DILDO AS FAR UP MICHAELS’ ASS AS HE CAN!”
JIVE: “AND MICHAELS IS LOVING IT!!! LOOK AT HIM!! No lube or anything! He is a DIRTY, DIRTY man!”
GHEORGHE: “MICHAELS IS NOW SCREAMING IN PLEASURE ….”
MICHAELS: “YES! OHHHHHHHHHHH YES! YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES!”
GHEORGHE: “The ref is on his feet ….. AND HE IS CALLING FOR THE BELL!”
(SFX: Bell rings.)
JIVE: “What?? Is he counting that as a submission?!”
GHEORGHE: “Did you want this match to go any further?”
JACOBS: “The winner of this match by SUBMISSION …… MADONNA WAYNE GROSSARD!”
GHEORGHE: “Grossard now picking up Michaels ….. MWG IS CARRYING BEAU MICHAELS OVER HIS SHOULDER … AND THE DILDO IS STILL IN THERE!”
JIVE: “I think they’re going to finish this in Grossard’s lockerroom!”
GHEORGHE: “Ladies and gentlemen, that was the most DISTURBING thing I have ever seen in a wrestling ring.”
JIVE: “Tom, I don’t think there’s any way I could ever disagree with that statement.. unless there’s a rematch down the road.”
GHEORGHE: “I’m sure with all the complaints and possible lawsuits coming our way within the next few days, that the chance any of these men wrestle together in a match of this type again is VERY slim.”
JIVE: “How can anything come after this?”
GHEORGHE: “It’ll be tough .. but I’m sure an ELECTRIFIED …. EXPLODING …. CAGE MATCH can bring enough people to forget about this … match … for now!”
JIVE: “All I know, is that being at ringside .. and having to smell the stench that I’m smelling as we speak … this will be burned in my memory for years to come. Hell, I think I’m going to have to send my therapy bills straight to Marceau … because I’m going to need it.”
