(FADETO: Carl Jacobs, who stands in the ring with his suit on, holding the microphone.)
JACOBS: “Welcome ladies and gentlemen of Buffalo, to the THIRD EDITION OF NEW ERA RAUCOUS!”
(Crowd pops)
JACOBS: “Our first match of the evening was scheduled to be the triple threat tag team match involving Doom, Natural Born Killers and the Troupe. Due to contractual problems, the Troupe will not make it tonight, so by order of the President Marcus LaRoque … this match will be a FALLS COUNT ANYWHERE match!”
(Crowd pops huge when they hear this.)
JIVE: “FALLS COUNT ANYWHERE?”
GHEORGHE: “President LaRoque is trying to make up for the fact that he couldn’t deliver three teams tonight, and according to Carl Jacobs, this match will now be a falls count anywhere! This could get ugly in a hurry, Nick!”
JIVE: “Doom is going to ABSOLUTELY MURDER the Natural Born Killers! I LOVE IT!”
JACOBS: “Introducing first …”
(CUEUP: 'We All Die One Day' by Obie Trice + G Unit. Esco and Ice come out onto the rampway with some fan’s popping as they recognize them.)
JACOBS: “Weighing a combined 511 pounds …. Esco and Ice …. The NATURAL ….. BORN ….. KILLERS!”
(Esco and Ice come down to the ring as pyrotechnics go off behind them. They enter the ring and Esco climbs the second rope and plays to the crowd.)
JACOBS: “And their opponents …”
(CUEUP: ‘Toxicity’ by System of a Down. Emanon and Reverof step through the curtain and sneer at the crowd.)
JACOBS: “From BALTIMORE, MARYLAND …. Being led to the ring by Lanrete …… EMANON …… REVEROF …… the team called DOOM!”
(Reverof and Emanon slowly walk down to the ring with smiles on their faces. Reverof points at Ice and makes a slit throat motion. As they get closer to the ring, Ice flies through the middle rope and lands on both with a cross body block.)
JIVE: “Ice is attacking them before the bell! That’s not fair!”
(SFX: Bell rings.)
JIVE: “See!”
GHEORGHE: “Ice taking exception to Reverof’s motion that they were going to … lose …. Tonight. And now Esco is on the outside as well. All four men are fighting in front of the ring!”
JIVE: “Hurry! Emanon .. someone, let’s draw some blood and make these people gush!”
GHEORGHE: “A little dramatic, eh?”
JIVE: “Eh, I just wanted to pump up the people watching..”
GHEORGHE: “Well, how about trying to say something positive.”
JIVE: “Because then I’d end up like you … and I don’t think New ERA can have people stop watching you know.”
GHEORGHE: “Emanon now turns the tide on Esco … throws some punches in the face … and now he brings him over to the apron … and SMASHES HIS HEAD ONTO IT!”
JIVE: “Yes!”
GHEORGHE: “Emanon rolls Esco back into the ring as Ice is handling Reverof on the outside. Ice IRISH WHIPS REVEROF INTO THE GUARDRAIL… CHARGES IN AND CLOTHESLINES HIM OVER THE TOP INTO THE FANS!”
JIVE: “Ice better be careful! If we get sued, you know whose going to pay the most!”
GHEORGHE: “Ice now raking Reverof’s head on the guardrail …. And he dumps him back to ringside! Back in the ring Emanon has Esco locked in a sleeper… BUT HERE COMES ICE UNDER THE BOTTOM ROPE…. ICE CALCULATING … and now he has Emanon locked in a FULL NELSON! Emanon releases Esco who droops over the top rope!”
JIVE: “Natural Born Killers shouldn’t be double teaming!! That’s not fair!”
GHEORGHE: “Ooooo! Emanon gets himself out of the full nelson with a swift backwards kick to the family jewels.”
JIVE: “That’ll set a man back a few weeks.”
GHEORGHE: “And now Emanon THROWS ICE OVER THE TOP ROPE… and he throws Esco over, too!! Emanon calls to Reverof and they take the Natural Born Killers ….. AND THEY’RE HEADING UP THE RAMPWAY!”
JIVE: “The fun is about to start, folks!”
GHEORGHE: “Ladies and gentlemen we have a cameraman following the action in case it gets too far away to see.. Emanon has Esco and Reverof with Ice … AND THEY SEND THEM CRASHING INTO THE SIDE RAILS OF THE BIG SCREENS AT THE TOP OF THE RAMP! Ice and Esco turn around … AND DOUBLE CLOTHESLINES BY DOOM!”
JIVE: “Look at how fluently they work together as a team!”
GHEORGHE: “Emanon now picks up Ice .. and he’s holding him for Reverof. Reverof now charges in with a CLOTHESLINE …. BUT ICE DUCKS …. “
JIVE: “OH MY GOD!”
GHEORGHE: “REVEROF NAILS EMANON WITH THE CLOTHESLINE, and EMANON FALLS OFF THE SIDE OF THE RAMPWAY ONTO THE CONCRETE BELOW! Reverof now hops off the ramp and goes to check on his partner!”
JIVE: “Emanon went crashing at least 8 feet!”
GHEORGHE: “Lanrete is now UP AT THE TOP OF THE RAMPWAY BEHIND THE NATURAL BORN KILLERS!!! She is slowly stalking them!!! ICE AND ESCO TURN AROUND AND THEY CATCH HER!! ESCO PICKS UP LANRETE ….. AND HE TOSSES HER ONTO REVEROF!!!”
CROWD: “N . E . W! N . E . W!”
JIVE: “These idiots are cheering for the blatant abuse of a woman!”
GHEORGHE: “Lanrete rolls off of Reverof and runs to the side … as ICE COMES OFF THE TOP OF THE RAMP WITH A BEAUTIFULLY PLACED ELBOW DROP! The Natural Born Killers are pulling out some very dangerous spots here!”
JIVE: “Hopefully they’ll break themselves into half and Doom will win the match via default!”
GHEORGHE: “Esco now hopping off the side of the ramp and walks over to Emanon … and he’s calling ICE! They pick up Emanon… DOUBLE SUPLEX AND EMANON LANDS ON THE BODY OF REVEROF! The fans are loving this!”
JIVE: “How classless!”
GHEORGHE: “Since when did you become the criticizer of class, Mister “I Don’t Wash My Hands after I Piss”?
JIVE: “I forget ONCE and you act like I do it all the time.”
GHEORGHE: “We were at a RESTAURANT, Nick. You were about to eat!”
JIVE: “Hey… a man can forget, you know.”
GHEORGHE: “Ice and Esco now bringing Doom … and they’re going IN THE BACK!”
(The camera follows Ice and Esco as they enter a green room type thing. Backstage interviewer Jason Tripp is standing there eating a cupcake as they crash through the doors.)
JIVE: “Oh!! Forget about the tag match, someone drive that prick through a table!”
GHEORGHE: “That’s Jason Tripp, our behind the scenes interviewer!”
JIVE: “Look at him shoving that cupcake down his throat. Doesn’t he know that he needs to be LOSING weight, not gaining it? HEY JASON … I THINK YOU’VE EATEN ENOUGH FOR A SMALL COUNTRY.”
GHEORGHE: “Nick! He can’t even hear you, and thank god, too! Emanon has started to fight back to life as he elbows Ice in the stomach … and he turns to get away … BUT HE FALLS OVER A TABLE OF SANDWICH MEAT AND IT FALLS ON HIM!”
JIVE: “Jesus, don’t these people watch what their doing?”
GHEORGHE: “Ice on top of Emanon pounding away …. And NOW HE IS SHOVING SALAMI DOWN EMANON’s THROAT! WHAT THE HELL??? REVEROF CAME OUT OF NOWHERE AND NAILED ICE IN THE BACK OF THE HEAD WITH A WATER COOLER!”
JIVE: “Somehow he managed to sucker Esco to hit his head on the soda machine! Esco isn’t too bright.”
GHEORGHE: “Reverof now picks up Ice … and he sends him CRASHING INTO THE WALL! Reverof charges … BUT ICE MOVES AND REVEROF HITS THE WALL AND HE’s ON THE GROUND!”
JIVE: “God dammit! Can’t Doom do anything right? YOU DON’T RUN INTO WALLS!!”
GHEORGHE: “Ice takes Reverof … and he throws him into an area of metal trash cans!!”
JIVE: “Oh god.. I can already tell what’s going to happen.”
GHEORGHE: “Ice takes a Trash can ….. and lays it on it’s side …. He picks up Reverof….. POWERBOMB ONTO THE TRASH CAN! REVEROF IS LAID OUT ON THE TRASH CAN! Ice is looking around for Esco ….. and he seems him fighting with Emanon! Ice touching the back of his head … AND ICE HAS STARTED BLEEDING FROM THAT COOLER SHOT! LOOK AT HIS EYES!”
JIVE: “Ohhhhh shit. Ice looks like a madman.”
GHEORGHE: “Ice forgetting about Esco, turns back to Reverof … and he picks up ANOTHER TRASHCAN…. AND HE SMASHES THE TRASHCAN INTO THE HEAD OF REVEROF! He now rests it …. AND ICE IS CLIMBING ON TOP OF THE TABLE!”
JIVE: “Look at that cow Tripp! He is standing there, with a cupcake half eaten, staring at all this! What a loser!”
GHEORGHE: “ICE COMES OFF AND LEGDROPS THAT TRASHCAN FURTHER DOWN ON THE HEAD OF REVEROF!”
CROWD: “N . E . W! N . E . W!”
GHEORGHE: “And now Esco and Emanon are coming into view! EMANON IRISH WHIPS ESCO INTO JASON TRIPP AND THEY BOTH GO DOWN!”
JIVE: “YES!! EMANON IS MY HERO!”
GHEORGHE: “Emanon walks over to … oh no …… HE GRABS BOTH TRIPP AND ESCO’s HEAD …. AND CRACKS THEIR SKULLS TOGETHER!”
JIVE: “Ha! ANYTHING GOES, TOM!! EVEN JASON TRIPP CAN BE USED!”
GHEORGHE: “The ref is over attending to Jason, while Emanon is working over Esco …. HE TOSSES ESCO THROUGH THE DOORS AND THEY ARE MOVING ON! But the ref hasn’t seen them .. and he stays in the room! WHERE ARE THEY GOING?”
JIVE: “No!! What if Emanon has Esco pinned??”
GHEORGHE: “WAIT! Here comes ESCO stumbling back into the room… but WHERE DID EMANON GO?”
JIVE: “WHAT HAPPENED???”
GHEORGHE: “Esco walks over to Ice … and he tells him to set up a table! Ice sets it up ….. Esco rolls Reverof onto the table … AND NOW ESCO IS ON THERE!!! HE ISN’T!”
JIVE: “WHERE IS EMANON?!?!”
GHEORGHE: “ESCO HAS JUST PILEDRIVEN REVEROF THROUGH THAT TABLE!!! ESCO WITH THE COVER ……. ONE ……….. TWO ……… THREE!!!!”
JIVE: “No!”
(The crowd pops in the background)
GHEORGHE: “Esco, who stumbled back into the room after leaving it shortly with Emanon has just piledriven Reverof THROUGH A TABLE in the GREEN ROOM! Natural Born Killers get the win here tonight in an IMPRESSIVE match put on by all four men!”
JIVE: “Wait .. this shouldn’t even count! The lineup was for a “anyman in” triple threat tag match! This falls count anywhere match shouldn’t count!”
GHEORGHE: “President LaRoque authorized it, so it’ll go in the record books!”
(CUTTO: In ring.)
JACOBS: “The winners of the match … via pinfall ….. ESCO and ICE …… NATURAL ….. BORN …… KILLERS!!”
JIVE: “But what happened to Emanon?!?”
GHEORGHE: “I have no clue, Nick!! Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve got to take a short commercial break, but when we get back … we have newcomer John Doe taking on the rat Scotty Michaels, and Chris McMillan in a threeway singles match that should be chalkfull of great technical prowess!”
