JACOBS: “The following match is for ONE FALL and is our MAIN EVENT!”
JIVE: “I LOVE IT! They should lock Rabesque in a broom closet and then fight it out …”
GHEORGHE: “Yes, Jean Rabesque doesn’t even have to be a factor in the fall, because whoever wins this match will win the Television Championship.”
JACOBS: “AND IT IS FOR THE NEW ERA OF WRESTLING TELEVISION CHAMPIONSHIP!”
(SFX: Fans pop)
JACOBS: “Introducing first ….”
(CUEUP: ‘Wait and Bleed’ by Slipknot. The music continues playing until there is an explosion at the stage and Nick Savage walks out. He walks halfway down the ramp and stops while another explosion of sparks go off at the top of the ramp and the velocity of the crowd gets louder. Nick Savage slides under the ropes and waits in the ring.)
GHEORGHE: “And the fans are in a fervor due to the pyrotechnics that are out here with Nick Savage!”
JACOBS: “Standing six foot one .. and weighing in at 215 pounds ….. hailing from ATLANTA, GEORGIA …… ‘VIOLENT’ NICK SAVAGE!”
(SFX: Fans pop for hometown boy.)
JIVE: “Savage is in his home territory of Georgia … I think he’s going to have an enormous advantage.”
JACOBS: “Introducing next …. Hailing from places UNKNOWN …”
(CUEUP: ‘When Worlds Collide ’ by Powerman 5000 …. More pyro goes off in the arena as New ERA flashes all over the big screen near the top of the rampway. The arena turns pitch black. The big screen flashes between a blurred face and film of a wrestler. Blue pyro fires off at the entrance ramp as the words John Doe flash and shake on the big screen. From behind the curtain John Doe walks out and walks slowly to the ring, eyeing Savage the whole way down.)
GHEORGHE: “And Doe is keeping a steady eye on Savage.”
JACOBS: “He weighs in at 210 pounds and stands six foot one …. JOHN DOE!”
JIVE: “Doe’s gotta be careful. Both Savage and Rabesque will be after him.”
(Doe slides in the ring and stays on the opposite side of the ring of Savage.)
JACOBS: “And their opponent …… he hails from MONTREAL, QUEBEC, CAAANAAADDAAA ……. He stands six foot one … and weighs in at 245 pounds ….”
(CUEUP: ‘Shapes of Things’ by the Jeff Healey Band as Rabesque comes from behind the curtain to a megapop. CUTTO: Larry Tact, who is following Rabesque with his eyes as he walks down to the ring.)
JACOBS: “THE NEW ERA TELEVISION CHAMPION ……. JEAN RABESQUE!”
GHEORGHE: “The fans are on their feet cheering for Rabesque!!”
(SFX: Bell rings as Rabesque hands his title over to the referee.)
GHEORGHE: “All three men are standing in the ring … Savage is staring at Doe … Rabesque is staring at Doe … and John Doe is looking at both of them!”
JIVE: “You think Rabesque would be the target since he’s the champion!”
GHEORGHE: “You don’t have to pin the champion to win the title … and NOW RABESQUE AND SAVAGE CHARGE AT DOE AND BOTH NAIL HIM WITH A RUNNING ELBOW!”
JIVE: “You know what I just realized?”
GHEORGHE: “What?”
JIVE: “That all three men are the same height! Doe and Savage are separated by 5 pounds … with Rabesque being the larger of the three.”
GHEORGHE: “Hot damn, you’re right. Savage now picking Doe up … and he’s holding him up for Rabesque to get some shots in .. Rabesque winds up … BUT DOE WIGGLES FREE AND RABESQUE CLOCKS NICK SAVAGE!!! DOE BEHIND RABESQUE NOW WITH A ROLL UP!!! ONE ….. TW—but Rabesque kicks out!”
JIVE: “That would have been the quickest title match in New ERA history!”
GHEORGHE: “I won’t even bother … Rabesque on his feet and goes after Doe …. But Savage catches him … turns him around … BRAINBUSTER! Savage goes for the pin …. ONE …. TWO … BUT DOE BREAKS UP THE PIN! John Doe grabbing Savage by the hair now … he scoops slams him .. and then drops the elbow!”
JIVE: “Luckily for Rabesque that John Doe broke up that pin … Rabesque was out of it.”
GHEORGHE: “Rabesque up to his feet as John Doe locks Nick Savage into a BOSTON CRAB!!! Doe is bending WAY back …. BUT RABESQUE CHARGES AND NAILS DOE WITH A CLOTHESLINE!!”
JIVE: “The force of that probably broke Savage’s back! Doe didn’t exactly release on impact!”
GHEORGHE: “Jean Rabesque now …. AND HE TOSSES JOHN DOE THROUGH THE ROPES TO THE ARENA FLOOR!”
JIVE: “Please .. we have had enough action out here…”
GHEORGHE: “Rabesque turns back to Nick Savage … AND HE IS TRYING TO LOCK ON THE FIGURE FOUR!! Rabesque turns one leg around … BUT SAVAGE USES THE FREE ONE TO KICK RABESQUE IN THE BACK SIDE AND RABESQUE FLIES TO THE CORNER!”
JIVE: “Talk about kicking someone’s ass.”
GHEORGHE: “That was horrible. Go back to your Poland Springs bottle..”
JIVE: “Don’t mind if I do, actually.”
GHEORGHE: “John Doe is back on his feet on the outside as Rabesque comes out of the corner …. BUT DOE GRABS THE LEG OF RABESQUE AND TRIPS HIM UP! Doe quickly rolls in the ring as Rabesque gets to his feet … and now they lock up! Rabesque backs John Doe into the corner … the referee calling for the break …. AND RABESQUE KNEES DOE IN THE MIDSECTION ….”
JIVE: “He managed to catch him sleeping. The cheater.”
(SFX: Crowd pops)
GHEORGHE: “AND NICK SAVAGE JUST CAME OUT OF NOWHERE AND SPLASHED BOTH RABESQUE AND DOE IN THE CORNER! Rabesque comes walking out of the corner …. AND SAVAGE CATCHES HIM WITH A ROUNDHOUSE DROPKICK! …. AND DOE STUMBLES OUT OF THE CORNER AND FALLS ON HIS FACE!”
JIVE: “Nick Savage has changed the pace of this match drastically..”
GHEORGHE: “Nick Savage continues to work on Jean Rabesque..”
JIVE: “And here I thought that Savage would’ve been focusing more on Doe. Savage has been spending a majority of the time working on Rabesque!”
GHEORGHE: “Savage now locks on a Buffalo Sleeper hold! And Jean Rabesque is flailing his arms trying to get to the ropes or break out of it somehow!”
JIVE: “It would seem to me that its only a matter of time before Rabesque falls fast asleep.”
GHEORGHE: “Rabesque is slowly fading away! The referee now walking over to Rabesque … RABESQUE’s ARMS HAVE STOPPED …. The ref lifts his left arm once … AND IT FALLS!! He lifts his arm a second time ….. BUT JOHN DOE NOW COMES FROM BEHIND AND RAKES THE EYES OF NICK SAVAGE!”
JIVE: “Rabesque was a sitting duck.”
GHEORGHE: “Savage releases the hold and Rabesque slumps to the mat … Doe now sends Nick Savage into the ropes …. AND SAVAGE COMES BACK WITH A FLYING FOREARM AND LANDS ON TOP OF DOE!! SAVAGE GRABS THE HEAD OF JOHN DOE AND IS BASHING IT INTO THE MAT!”
JIVE: “Nick Savage is putting on a show for his fans!”
GHEORGHE: “The fans seem to be cheering for Savage as he drives Doe’s head repeatedly into the mat! Nick Savage gets off of John Doe …. AND NOW HE LOCKS DOE IN THE BUFFALO SLEEPER! The ref grabs Doe’s arm and lifts it up … AND IT FALLS! The ref grabs Doe’s arm again …. AND IT FALLS A SECOND TIME!”
JIVE: “One more time and Nick Savage is our new Television Champion!”
GHEORGHE: “The ref grabs Doe’s arm a third time ….. and it falls!”
JIVE: “No! He shot the arm back up once it got halfway!!!”
GHEORGHE: “John Doe now trying to draw deep down!!! He elbows Savage in the midsection once … but Savage keeps the hold on! Doe with another elbow, and Savage’s grip is loosened!! Doe with a third elbow and the hold is broken!!! BUT JEAN RABESQUE WAS WAITING AND HE TAKES THEM BOTH DOWN WITH A DOUBLE CLOTHESLINE!!!”
JIVE: “Rabesque taking some tips from Larry Tact … rest as long as you can and then strike when your opponents forget about you. How cheap!”
GHEORGHE: “Rabesque picks up John Doe ….. AND HE TAKES HIM DOWN WITH A DDT!! Rabesque now picks up Nick Savage …… AND HE TAKES HIM DOWN WITH A RUSSIAN LEG SWEEP!!! JEAN RABESQUE DRAGS NICK SAVAGE TO THE CORNER .. AND NOW RABESQUE IS GOING TO THE SECOND TURNBUCKLE!”
JIVE: “Not the second rope elbow drop!”
GHEORGHE: “Rabesque measuring Savage …”
(The crowd pops as a person comes from behind the curtain …)
JIVE: “I’ve got to be seeing things..”
GHEORGHE: “Jean Rabesque pauses … DAVE CHAPPELLE IS WALKING DOWN THE RAMP! DAVE CHAPPELLE IS HERE AT RAUCOUS!”
JIVE: “I loved him in Rush Hour!”
GHEORGHE: “That was Chris Tucker.”
JIVE: “Isn’t that Chris Tucker?”
GHEORGHE: “Rabesque quickly measures Savage … COMES OFF …. BUT SAVAGE MANAGES TO GET OUT OF THE WAY!!! Rabesque’s knee catches him as he comes to the mat and both men are on the mat!!”
JIVE: “Ohhhh.. Dave Chappelle! He was in Dogma!”
GHEORGHE: “That was Chris Rock!”
JIVE: “Oh.”
GHEORGHE: “John Doe turns around and see Dave Chappelle now! He looks confused …. Doe turns around and walks over to Nick Savage … SAVAGE WITH A SMALL PACKAGE!!!! ONE ….. TWO ….. THREE!”
JIVE: “NO DOE KICKED OUT!”
GHEORGHE: “John Doe somehow managed to kick out of the small package right before the three count!”
JIVE: “Dammit!”
GHEORGHE: “Dave Chappelle ….. HE IS CHEERING FOR NICK SAVAGE!”
JIVE: “Well, he’s already caused Rabesque and Doe some problems, did you expect anything less?”
GHEORGHE: “Nick Savage and John Doe on their feet … and here comes Rabesque! Doe and Savage both kick Rabesque in the stomach …… they bounce off opposite ropes!!! DOUBLE FLYING BODYPRESS!”
(SFX: Crowd pops)
GHEORGHE: “BUT RABESQUE DROPPED TO THE MAT AND DOE AND SAVAGE HIT EACH OTHER MID-AIR!!”
JIVE: “Noooo!! They knocked each other’s wind out!”
GHEORGHE: “Rabesque pointing to his head … and now he picks up Doe … sends Doe into the ropes …… RABESQUE HITS THE SUPERKICK!! Rabesque picks up Nick Savage ……. Sends him against the ropes ……. AND RABESQUE HITS HIM WITH A SUPERKICK AS WELL!!!!”
JIVE: “Why oh why is this happening to me?”
GHEORGHE: “Rabesque picks up Doe …. RUSSIAN LEG SWEEP!!! The fans are on their feet!!! Rabesque over to Savage ……. RUSSIAN LEGSWEEP!!!”
JIVE: “Dave! You played the Beverly Hills Cop … can’t you go in there and arrest Rabesque???”
GHEORGHE: “That was Eddie Murphy you imbecile!!! RABESQUE HITS JOHN DOE WITH THE SECOND ROPE ELBOW DROP!!!! Rabesque now on the other side ……. Climbs the ropes …… AND RABESQUE DROPS THE ELBOW ON NICK SAVAGE!!! He is calling for the figure four!!!!”
(SFX: Crowd pops as Larry Tact hops over the guardrail.)
JIVE: “Where is that idiot going?”
GHEORGHE: “The World Heavyweight Champion is walking over to the ring attendants … AND TACT GRABS THE TELEVISION TITLE AND PUTS IT OVER THE OPPOSITE SHOULDER!! Larry Tact is wearing both the Television and World Heavyweight championships on his shoulders!! AND JEAN RABESQUE STOPS FROM PUTTING THE FIGURE FOUR ON SAVAGE AND WALKS OVER TO THE ROPES!!! Rabesque is yelling at Larry Tact to put his title down!”
JIVE: “Larry Tact just gave Jean Rabesque a golf clap!!”
GHEORGHE: “Rabesque is bending through the ropes now as Tact is smiling at him!! WAIT!! HERE COMES JOHN DOE!!! JOHN DOE WAITING FOR RABESQUE TO GET BACK IN ….. FINALLY HE GRABS RABESQUE BY THE WAIST …… GERMAN SUPLEX!”
JIVE: “Larry Tact just gave an exaggerated ‘in pain’ face!”
GHEORGHE: “Doe doesn’t release the hold …. SECOND GERMAN SUPLEX!!!”
JIVE: “Tact again overexaggerating the pain face!”
GHEORGHE: “AND A THIRD GERMAN SUPLEX AS JOHN DOE MAKES THE COVER!!!! ONE ……… TWO …….. THRE—NO! Nick Savage breaks up the pin attempt! Nick Savage takes John Doe by the hair ….. HIGH ANGLE DDT!!”
JIVE: “Savage may just pull this thing off!”
GHEORGHE: “Savage now walks over to Jean Rabesque ….. AND HE HITS ANOTHER HIGH ANGLE DDT!!! Nick Savage … he gives the thumbs up sign to Dave Chappelle!!!”
(SFX: Crowd pops)
GHEORGHE: “And Chappelle returns the thumbs up….”
JIVE: “WAIT.. DAVE CHAPPELLE IS GETTING ON THE APRON!”
GHEORGHE: “The referee runs over and tries to stop Chappelle from entering the ring …… AND NICK SAVAGE ROLLS OUT OF THE OTHER SIDE OF THE RING ….. AND HE GRABS A CHAIR!!! NICK SAVAGE ROLLS BACK INTO THE RING WITH A CHAIR!”
JIVE: “Nick Savage is going to clean house and then take home the New ERA Television Championship!!!”
GHEORGHE: “Nick Savage walks over to Jean Rabesque …. HE LIFTS THE CHAIR HIGH OVER HIS HEAD!!!”
(SFX: Huge pop!)
GHEORGHE: “LARRY TACT HAS ENTERED THE RING!!!! TACT IS BEHIND NICK SAVAGE!!!”
JIVE: “LARRY TACT HAS NO RIGHT BEING IN THERE INTERFERING WITH THIS MATCH!”
GHEORGHE: “LARRY TACT GRABS THE CHAIR FROM BEHIND NICK SAVAGE ….”
(Dave Chappelle hops off the apron as the ref turns around.)
GHEORGHE: “LARRY TACT BLASTS THE CHAIR OVER THE HEAD OF NICK SAVAGE AND HE GOES TO THE MAT LIKE A TON OF BRICKS!!!”
(The ref runs over to Tact, flailing his arm the entire way. SFX: The bell rings..)
GHEORGHE: “The ref is calling for the bell!! WHAT IS GOING ON?!”
JIVE: “I am so confused!”
(The ref runs over and yells at Jacobs.)
JACOBS: “The winner of this match ….. BY DISQUALIFICATION …… ‘VIOLENT’ .... NICK SAVAGE!”
JIVE: “SAVAGE IS TELEVISION CHAMPION!”
JACOBS: “HOWEVER! The Television Championship CANNOT switch hands on a count out or disqualification ….. so …… STILL NEW ERA TELEVISION CHAMPION …….. JEAN RABESQUE!”
JIVE: “WHAT!!! Nick Savage won the match!!! He is the Television champion!!”
GHEORHGE: “Ladies and gentlemen, the title cannot change hands on a disqualification … so while Savage may have won the match …. Rabesque keeps the title!!”
JIVE: “That is bullshit! Dave Chappelle in the ring … and he rolls Nick Savage out of it and starts taking him up the ramp as he says something to the referee…. And now John Doe rolls out of the ring .. seemingly kicking himself!”
GHEORGHE: “LARRY TACT IS STANDING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE RING WAITING FOR JEAN RABESQUE TO GET UP!”
JIVE: “Jean Rabesque is getting to his feet!!”
GHEORGHE: “Rabesque is on his feet and he turns around …. AND SEES LARRY TACT STANDING IN FRONT OF HIM!!! RABESQUE STARTS POINTING AT HIM …. And Tact ….. TACT HANDS JEAN RABESQUE THE TELEVISION CHAMPIONSHIP …”
JIVE: “I think I’m going to be ill.”
GHEORGHE: “LARRY TACT RAISES THE HAND OF JEAN RABESQUE AS THE FANS ARE ON THEIR FEET CHEERING! Ladies and gentlemen we are out of time … thank you for join…”
(SFX: Crowd goes quiet.)
GHEORGHE: “LARRY TACT JUST KICKED JEAN RABESQUE IN THE MIDSECTION…. THE HUMBLING!!! LARRY TACT JUST NAILED JEAN RABESQUE WITH THE URANAGE SUPLEX!!!! Larry Tact grabs the microphone from Carl Jacobs… we are out of time!!!”
(The picture starts to fade as Tact leans down over Jean Rabesque …)
TACT: “You're match ISN'T the Main Event, Borinator.... I'M the Main Event! You're just one more to receive a HUMBLING!”
(FADEOUT: As Larry Tact drops the microphone and the Television title onto Jean Rabesque’s body. Fade to black.)
