JACOBS: “The following match is scheduled for ONE fall and has a time limit of THIRTY MINUTES! Introducing first ….”
(CUEUP: “Kick Some Ass" by Stroke 9 blares on the speakers. SKEEV! Pause. SKEEV! KABOOOOM!!!! Through the curtains steps Angel Latora, "El Perno Prisioerno". He flashes his worldwide signal. The "OK" sign.)
JACOBS: “He stands FIVE foot NINE and weighs in at 185 pounds …… ‘el perno prisioner UNO’ ….. ANGEL LATORA!”
JIVE: “Look at that weirdo!”
GHEORGHE: “And Peter File is the epitome of normal?”
JIVE: “Uh, YEA!”
JACOBS: “AND HIS OPPONENT….. being led to the ring by his manager LILLY!”
(CUEUP: ‘Sigur 1’ by Sigur Ros. Lily steps through the curtains wearing her corduroys and little rainbow ribbons in her hair. All of a sudden, Peter File steps out onto the stage … dressed up in full as if he were El Arco Iris, waving a rainbow flag around above his head.)
GHEORGHE: “Yea, he’s normal alright…”
JACOBS: “From New Haven, Connecticut. He stands six foot one and weighs 205 pounds ….. PETER FILE!”
(File walks down to the ring and rolls in.)
(SFX: Bell rings.)
JIVE: “PETER FILE IS EL ARCO IRIS!”
GHEORGHE: “I don’t think so, Nick… but File is causing Angel Latora much ire as Latora is motioning for File to hurry up. File now hands the flag to Lilly… turns around … AND IS MET WITH A SPINNING HEEL KICK IN THE FACE COURTESY OF ANGEL LATORA!”
JIVE: “La Cucaracha needs to start following the rules here! He attacked Peter File!”
GHEORGHE: “Latora irish whips Peter File into the ropes …. File comes off… AND LATORA TAKES HIM DOWN WITH A BEAUTIFUL HURRICANRANA!”
JIVE: “I bet he’s been waiting WEEKS to use that one!”
GHEORGHE: “Latora for the quick cover … ONE … TW—but File kicks out! Lilly is screeching her head off for File to get up. Angel Latora bringing File to his knees now…”
JIVE: “Watch out, File is a veteran of being on his knees!”
GHEORGHE: “Latora hooks the head …. TILTAWHIRL DDT! Angel Latora is NOW HEADING UP TOP!!! AND HE HITS A TOP ROPE LEG DROP!!! Latora with the cover ….. ONE ……… TWO ……. KICKOUT BY FILE!”
JIVE: “Peter just likes people lying on top of him … he could’ve kicked out after one.”
GHEORGHE: “Latora against the ropes …. BUT LILLY GRABS A HOLD OF HIS FOOT AND BRINGS HIM TO THE MAT! Latora gets up … AND HE’s going through the ropes at Lilly!! AND LILLY MANAGES TO POKE HIM IN THE EYE!”
JIVE: “Now THAT’s skill … poking a guy through his luchador mask!”
GHEORGHE: “Peter File is now up .. he’s fixing his Iris outfit … and now he’s walking up behind Angel Latora … he locks the WAIST …. AND HE LOCKS ON AN ABDOMINAL STRETCH! Peter File is trying to bend the arm of Angel Latora so far back that it snaps off his body!”
JIVE: “I just thought of something.”
GHEORGHE: “What?”
JIVE: “Latora loves this!”
GHEORGHE: “What?!”
JIVE: “Prisioner Uno? Doesn’t his monicker mean Number One Prisoner who drops the soap in the shower or something???”
GHEORGHE: “OH GOD. Peter File now releasing the abdominal stretch as he’s dragging Angel Latora into the center of the ring ….. File against the ropes … AND HITS A SPLASH ON LATORA! File with the cover …. ONE ….. TW—kickout. I don’t know why File thought that a splash would do the trick..”
JIVE: “Don’t you see? He’s trying to be El Arco Iris!”
GHEORGHE: “Peter File now up …. He picks up Latora … AND FILE PLANTS A JUICY KISS RIGHT ON THE MOUTHPIECE OF LATORA’s MASK!”
JIVE: “Latora is going crazy!”
GHEORGHE: “Angel Latora runs to the corner to get away from File … and here comes File ….. FILE GRABS THE TOOSH OF ANGEL LATORA WHO LETS OUT A HOOT!”
JIVE: “You’d figure Latora would be used to this..”
GHEORGHE: “LATORA TURNS AND SWINGS, BUT FILE DUCKS!!! FILE WITH A SHORT CLOTHESLINE! Both men are in the corner ….. File with some elbows to the head ……. He now hooks the head …. AND NAILS A RUNNING BULLDOG!”
JIVE: “New ERA should really market File more… just imagine.. Peter File children books… “Peter File presents …. How To Thank a Stranger When He Gives You Candy...” ITS INGENIUS!”
GHEORGHE: “Peter File is now picking up Angel Latora … he sends him against the ropes …. Latora comes back … DUCKS UNDER THE FILE CLOTHESLINE ….. Latora against the opposite ropes, comes back, AND FILE LEAP FROGS OVER HIM …… both men against the ropes now … they bounce off …… FILE WITH A FLYING CROSS BODY BLOCK!!! BUT LATORA DROPPED TO THE MAT AND FILE GOES CRASHING INTO THE ROPES!!! PETER FILE IS TANGLED IN THE ROPES!”
JIVE: “AND HE’s LIKING IT!”
GHEORGHE: “Angel Latora is now walking up to Peter File who is licking his lips! AND LATORA NAILS HIM WITH A DROPKICK THAT SENDS FILE THROUGH THE ROPES! File getting to his feet ….. ANGEL LATORA GRABS THE TOP ROPE AND CATAPULTS HIMSELF ON TOP OF PETER FILE ON THE ARENA FLOOR!”
JIVE: “IT’S A MEXICAN FLYING RAT!”
GHEORGHE: “El perno prisioner uno’ rolls Peter File back into the ring ….. Latora now gets in the ring himself … Latora picks up File …. BUT FILE SLUGS HIM IN THE FACE!!! PETER FILE GOES BEHIND LATORA AND HOOKS THE WAIST!!”
JIVE: “He’s going for a german suplex!”
GHEORGHE: “File goes to lift Latora … BUT LATORA MANAGES TO REVERSE THE HOLD!!!! LATORA HOOKS THE WAIST!!! GERMAN SUPLEX WITH BRIDGE!!! ONE …………. TWO ……….”
JIVE: “FILE HAS HIS SHOULDER UP!!! WHY IS THE REFEREE STILL COUNTING?!”
GHEORGHE: “Those tassles from Iris’ costume are blocking the referee’s vision!”
JIVE: “DAMN THAT IRIS!”
GHEORGHE: “THREEEEEE!!!”
(SFX: Bell rings. As the referee goes to the referee.)
GHEORGHE: “Angel Latora picks up a victory over Peter File here tonight on RAUCOUS!”
JACOBS: “Ladies and gentlemen …. The referee has informed me that the result of this match ……….. IS A DRAW!”
GHEORGHE: “What?”
JIVE: “FILE HAD HIS SHOULDER UP!”
JACOBS: “The referee counted BOTH men’s shoulders down for the three count, and thus, this match is a DRAW.”
JIVE: “FILE HAD HIS SHOULDER UP!”
(Footage shows Latora’s shoulder’s staying down for the three count…)
GHEORGHE: “Well then, by rights Peter File should be the victor in this match …. But due to that costume he was wearing mimicking El Arco Iris … those tassles got in the referee’s line of vision and he didn’t see File’s shoulder come up…..”
JIVE: “FILE HAD HIS SHOULDER UP!!! DAMN YOU IRIS!”
GHEORGHE: “We’ve got to take a commercial break …. So while I calm down Nick Jive … go relax …. Because when we get back …. ALEX BORDEN and ‘Too Sweet’ TRAVIS SMITH … HEAD TO HEAD!”
