JACOBS: “Ladies and gentlemen, the following match you will see will be a special SCHOOL HOUSE BRAWL match … both men will start on the top of the roof of San Diego High School (cheap pop) and work there way down three flights of building. The first person out of the front doors will be declared the winner. Any and ALL items in the school building can be used to their disposal. Introducing first …”
(The camera focuses in on Red Devastator.)
JACOBS: “Standing six foot ten and weighing 306 pounds …. RED DEVASTATOR!”
(The camera then cuts to John Doe.)
JACOBS: “And his opponent … standing six foot one and weighing 210 pounds …… JOHN DOE!”
(The referee checks both men and then signals for them to fight.)
GHEORGHE: “And it looks as if this match is off and both men are circling each other on top of that hard surfaced roof top…”
JIVE: “I almost feel as if Red Devastator could pick Doe up and just toss him off the top of the roof and then walk down the stairs to the front door. Doe is giving up way too much weight and height here.”
GHEORGHE: “Red Devastator catches Doe as he tried to evade the grab … and he picks him up HIGH in the air!”
JIVE: “Let the massacre begin!”
GHEORGHE: “But Doe manages to slip out the back …. AND HE SWEEPS THE LEGS RIGHT OUT FORM UNDERNEATH RED DEVASTATOR! Devastator went down hard and almost hit his head on the pebbles!”
JIVE: “It may not matter, though, because unless Devastator is knocked out he won’t be affected!”
GHEORGHE: “John Doe now straddling Red Devastator … AND HE IS BASHING THE BACK OF THE HEAD OF DEVASTATOR INTO THE PEBBLED GROUND OF THE ROOFTOP! Devastator shoves him off in desperation! John Doe to his feet as Red Devastator is getting to his knees..”
JIVE: “Doe is looking around looking for something to hit Devastator with … AND I THINK HE FOUND SOMETHING!”
GHEORGHE: “JOHN DOE PICKS UP A SHOVEL ….. AND HE SWINGS IT RIGHT INTO THE BACK OF RED DEVASTATOR! Red Devastator though grabs the shovel …. AND HE KNOCKS JOHN DOE RIGHT IN THE STOMACH WITH IT! Doe doubled over … AND DEVASTATOR DRIVES THE ELBOW RIGHT INTO THE BACK OF THE NECK! John Doe is down on the ground …. And now Red Devastator is DRAGGING HIM TO THE DOOR!”
JIVE: “They are heading inside the building!”
(CUTTO: Different camera view now inside the building.)
GHEORGHE: “Red Devastator with Doe at the top of the stairs leading from the roof top … AND HE JUST THREW JOHN DOE DOWN THAT FLIGHT OF STAIRS! That was six or seven stairs!”
JIVE: “That’s one way to get him down.”
GHEORGHE: “Doe lying at the bottom of the stairs trying to regain his senses as Red Devastator slowly walks down them … Red Devastator now picks Doe back to his feet … and irish whips him right through the swinging doors! AND DOE SLIPS AND FALLS FLAT ON HIS BACK! Red Devastator comes through the doors … AND HE SLIPS AND FALLS, TOO!”
JIVE: “Looks like the janitors washed the floors!”
GHEORGHE: “Devastator getting back to his feet … but he falls back down! Those floors look like they’ve just been washed!”
JIVE: “This is going to make it a bit hard for both guys!”
GHEORGHE: “Doe now on his knees as Devastator shakes his head and is using the bubbler to get to his feet. Doe using the wall to get to his feet … and both men are slowly walking to a drier area. Red Devastator turns around … AND JOHN DOE WITH A CLOTHESLINE AND DEVASTATOR SLIPS AND HITS HIS HEAD HARD ON THE FLOOR! John Doe now going into the closet…”
JIVE: “I always knew he was in the closet…”
GHEORGHE: “He comes back out … AND HE HAS THE MOP! JOHN DOE IS NOW SHOVING THE END OF THE MOP IN THE FACE OF RED DEVASTATOR!”
JIVE: “He is mopping the floor with Devastator!”
GHEORGHE: “Red Devastator pushing the mop out of his face … AND NOW JOHN DOE CRACKING THE HANDLE OF THE MOP ON THE TORSO OF RED DEVASTATOR! Doe repeatedly nailing Devastator with the handle …. AND IT BREAKS IN HALF! John Doe tosses his half of the mop out of the way and he goes back into the closet …”
JIVE: “Now what is he doing?!”
GHEORGHE: “Doe comes back out … AND HE HAS THE BUCKET OF WATER! John Doe rolls the bucket over to Red Devastator …. AND HE JUST POURED THE WATER INTO THE FACE OF RED DEVASTATOR! And Devastator is yelling in pain!”
JIVE: “That water was the dirty water that the janitor’s left!! There’s still bleach in there! Devastator just got a face full of dirty bleach water and now his eyes are bright red!”
GHEORGHE: “John Doe on top of Red Devastator now trying to hold his hands so he can’t wipe the bleach out of his face ….. AND DEVASTATOR JUST TOSSED DOE AT LEAST THREE FEET IN THE AIR! Doe comes down hard and lands on his ass!”
JIVE: “John Doe looks like he hit his tailbone … he’s very slow to get to his feet.”
GHEORGHE: “Red Devastator trying to get to his feet … and he’s feeling along the wall. Devastator is trying to get back to the water fountain to wash his eyes out… AND HE GETS THERE! Devastator using the water fountain to wash the bleach from his eyes … AND JOHN DOE COMES UP FROM BEHIND HIM AND BASHES HIS HEAD INTO THE METAL WATER FOUNTAIN! BUT RED DEVASTATOR RETURNS THE FAVOR AND JOHN DOE IS ON THE GROUND!”
JIVE: “Jesus Christ I don’t think either of these guys will be able to make it out the front doors at this pace!”
GHEORGHE: “Red Devastator still trying to wash his eyes out … and John Doe is slowly trying to crawl away as he sees the stairwell. Red Devastator finishes washing his eyes and he sees Doe crawling … Devastator stalking Doe now and I don’t think Doe realizes it!”
JIVE: “Boy is he going to have a surprise!”
GHEORGHE: “Red Devastator grabs the foot of John Doe … and now Doe is turned around trying to use his free foot to kick at Red Devastator! He kicks free and now makes a B-Line for the stairwell…. OH MY GOD!! JOHN DOE JUST TRIPPED AND TUMBLED DOWN THE FIRST HALF OF THE STAIRWELL! He slams against the wall and is lying there as Red Devastator is coming down after him!”
JIVE: “That’s one thing that Doe must really envy. Devastator cannot feel pain. The only way he’s going to lose this match is if Doe can keep avoiding him and somehow scurry out that door first … unless of course he knocks Devastator unconscious!”
GHEORGHE: “Red Devastator now has John Doe by the hair and they walk down to the second floor of San Diego High… and Devastator with an iri… NO! Doe with a reversal and Red Devastator goes through the swinging doors!”
JIVE: “THOSE WEREN’T SWINGING DOORS!”
GHEORGHE: “HOLY SHIT! Red Devastator went flying into the doors ….. AND HE JUST CRASHED RIGHT THROUGH THE GLASS PANE! Devastator on the other side now …. AND HE HAS SHARDS OF GLASS IN HIS SIDES!”
JIVE: “I can’t believe it!”
GHEORGHE: “John Doe now slowly stumbles through the door, opening it, and sees Devastator picking the glass out of his sides …. AND DEVASTATOR LOOKS PISSED!”
JIVE: “I would be too!”
GHEORGHE: “Doe stops in his tracks and turns and ducks inside a classroom! Red Devastator throws the door open …… AND JOHN DOE HURLS A DESK RIGHT INTO THE CHEST OF RED DEVASTATOR! Devastator falls back on his ass! John Doe now with a globe ….. JOHN DOE CRACKS THE GLOBE OVER THE HEAD OF RED DEVASTATOR …. AND THE GLOBE BREAKS INTO PIECES!”
JIVE: “Hurricane Devastator has hit the shore!”
GHEORGHE: “Will you stop it with your lame puns?!”
JIVE: “I thought that one was witty….”
GHEORGHE: “Well you were wrong! John Doe now bringing Red Devastator into the class room ….. and he just irish whipped him into a row of desks and the impact sent those desks crashing to the sides! John Doe …. DOE WITH A FLYING LEAP AND HE CRASHES ON RED DEVASTATOR WITH AN ELBOW! John Doe reaches under a desk … AND HE HAS A PEN THAT WAS LEFT!!! JOHN DOE JABS THE PEN INTO THE ARM OF RED DEVASTATOR!!!!!”
JIVE: “And Devastator is bleeding! He could get syphilis from that!”
GHEORGHE: “What?!”
JIVE: “I mean hepatitis…”
GHEORGHE: “Red Devastator with a head butt to the face of John Doe and he yanks the pen from his arm … and now Red Devastator grabs John Doe ….. AND HE HAS HIM BY THE THROAT!!! RED DEVASTATOR PICKS UP JOHN DOE ……………….. AND HE CHOKESLAMS HIM THROUGH THE TEACHER’s DESK! THAT DESK JUST SNAPPED ON IMPACT!”
JIVE: “If I were anyone else but Red Devastator I would probably be rushing to the front doors, but he knows that he can inflict much more damage …… and he’s going to stay right there to make sure that John Doe isn’t able to walk … nevertheless walk out the door!”
GHEORGHE: “Red Devastator now with some erasers …. AND HE IS BANGING ERASERS TOGETHER … AND THE CHALK IS GOING INTO THE MOUTH OF JOHN DOE! Doe coughing …. And now Devastator is trying to take away the ability of Doe to catch any air!”
JIVE: “That’s intelligent! If he can’t breathe he can’t get a second wind!”
GHEORGHE: “Red Devastator picks up John Doe …. And he places him on his shoulder … AND NOW HE IS CARRYING HIM INTO ANOTHER CLASSROOM!”
JIVE: “SCIENCE LAB!”
GHEORGHE: “Red Devastator drops Doe in the corner …. And now he is trying to get into the chemical cabinet!!”
JIVE: “Just THINK of what damage can be done if he gets some acid or something! Doe will never be the same!”
GHEORGHE: “Red Devastator can’t get the lock off …. He tries elbowing the glass…. But its plexi-glass! John Doe meanwhile has gotten a hold of a fire extinguisher ….. Red Devastator turns around ………… AND JOHN DOE BLASTS HIM IN THE FACE WITH THE COLD COLD FILLING OF THE EXTINGUISHER! Red Devastator grabbing his face …. AND HE WALKS RIGHT INTO THE CORNER OF A LAB TABLE! Red Devastator with a deep gash on his leg!!”
JIVE: “Red Devastator is going to have to worry about the amount of blood he’s lost more than anything else in this match!”
GHEORGHE: “Somehow John Doe has gotten to his feet …. AND JOHN DOE IS REACHING INTO A CABINET …… OH MY GOD!”
JIVE: “DEAD FROGS!”
GHEORGHE: “JOHN DOE TAKES OUT A DEAD FROG FROM ITS PACKAGE …………. AND HE JUST NAILED RED DEVASTATOR IN THE FACE WITH A DEAD FROG! Those are used for dissection, not for a wrestling weapon!”
JIVE: “Hey you heard the rules …. ANYTHING IS IN PLAY!”
GHEORGHE: “AND NOW JOHN DOE IS TRYING TO SHOVE THE FROG DOWN DEVASTATOR’s MOUTH! Red Devastator looks like he is dry heaving …”
JIVE: “If I were Doe I would not want Devastator to be puking … that would be incredibly nasty.”
GHEORGHE: “Thankfully John Doe tosses the dead frog carcass into the trash …. AND NOW JOHN DOE IS EXITING THE ROOM!”
(Split screens. One is showing John Doe going down the stairs, the other showing Red Devastator using the emergency eye cleaner system. Devastator looks up and jogs out of the room.)
GHEORGHE: “JOHN DOE IS ON THE FIRST FLOOR …. AND HE IS LOOKING FOR THE EXIT!”
JIVE: “But Devastator is on his way downstairs too!”
GHEORGHE: “JOHN DOE RUNS TO THE DOUBLE DOORS …. JOHN DOE HAS ESCAPE…..”
JIVE: “THOSE WERE THE WRONG DOORS! Doe tried barreling through the doors but the chain lock is keeping them shut and he just ran into the door! RED DEVASTATOR IS NOW WALKING BEHIND HIM!”
GHEORGHE: “John Doe turns around … AND RED DEVASTATOR HAS HIM! Devastator with an irish whip … AND DOE GOES CRASHING THROUGH A DOOR! Red Devastator follows him in….”
JIVE: “Uh oh …..”
GHEORGHE: “AND THEY’RE IN THE COMPUTER LAB!”
JIVE: “I can just imagine the bill we’re going to get from San Diego’s school board…”
GHEORGHE: “Red Devastator has a smile on his face ….. he walks toward Doe …. Devastator picks up John Doe … AND HE TOSSES HIM INTO A ROW OF COMPUTERS! The computers knock over and crash to the floor …. AND NOW RED DEVASTATOR IS USING A MOUSE CORD ….. AND HE IS TRYING TO STRANGLE JOHN DOE! DEVASTATOR HAS IT WRAPPED AND IS YANKING TIGHT!”
JIVE: “Doe’s face is getting redder and redder everything second!”
GHEORGHE: “John Doe looks as if he is going to pass out ….. Doe reaches back … DOE HAS A SPEAKER ……………. DOE CRACKS THE SPEAKER UPSIDE RED DEVASTATOR’s FOREHEAD!! Devastator is BUSTED OPEN!!! The blood rushes into his eyes and he has to release the choke hold!”
JIVE: “Those computers are at least $1500 a pop!”
GHEORGHE: “Devastator now trying to use both hands to get the blood out of his eyes … and that is really gushing ….. John Doe trying to catch his breath …. And he is sitting on the table where three computers once laid..”
JIVE: “At least his face has returned back to a normal color!”
GHEORGHE: “Doe finally hopping off the table … AND NOW HE BRINGS RED DEVASTATOR OVER TO THE COPIER …. Doe opens the top …….. AND HE SMASHES DEVASTATOR’s FACE DOWN INTO IT! AND HE SHUTS THE TOP!!!”
JIVE: “John Doe is taking copying Red Devastator’s face!!!!!”
GHEORGHE: “DOE IS HOLDING DEVASTATOR IN THE COPIER ……… AND NOW HE TAKES ONE OF THE COPIES ……….. AND HE IS SHOVING IT DOWN THE THROAT OF RED DEVASTATOR!”
JIVE: “What a way to go, eh? To choke on a picture of your bloody head!”
GHEORGHE: “Red Devastator slowly losing steam it seems as the blood continues to pour out of his arm, out of his forehead and out of the gash on his leg …. And he makes one attempt to grab at Doe, but instead HE FALLS TO THE GROUND!!!! John Doe looks around …. OH NO …. OH DON’T DO IT!”
JIVE: “DO IT! DO IT! PROVE TO ME YOU ARE A MAN!”
GHEORGHE: “JOHN DOE HAS A COMPUTER MONITOR!!!!!!!!!!! OH HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!!!!!!!!!!”
JIVE: “YES!”
GHEORGHE: “JOHN DOE JUST DROPPED THE COMPUTER MONITOR RIGHT INTO THE FACE OF RED DEVASTATOR! Devastator is not moving!!! SOMEONE GET A MEDIC IN THERE!”
JIVE: “And Doe is charging out of there like Jared Wells from a rehab center!”
GHEORGHE: “John Doe turns the corner …. AND HE SEES THE DOORS! JOHN DOE IS RUNNING TO THE DOORS ………………………… AND HE PUSHES THROUGH THEM!!! JOHN DOE HAS WON THIS BRUTAL, BRUTAL MATCH!”
(SFX: Bell rings. John Doe falls to his knees.)
JIVE: “And all it took was bleach, a globe, a computer monitor, and a dead frog carcass!”
GHEORGHE: “John Doe on his knees outside San Diego High .. and by God, what a match he managed to pull off!!”
JACOBS: “The winner of this match ……………. JOHN DOE!”
