(CUTTO: Carl Jacobs in the ring as the lineup for the next match flashes on the screen.)
JACOBS: “Ladies and gentlemen .. the following match is scheduled for one fall and has a thirty minute time limit! Introducing first…”
(CUEUP: “When Worlds Collide” by Powerman 5000. The lights in the arena flash blue as John Doe, Jonathan Marx, and Brandon Jacobs walk down the rampway.)
JACOBS: “Being led to the ring by his fellow members of DREDD…. He stands six foot one inch tall and weighs 210 pounds … hailing from parts unknown … he is JOHN DOE!”
GHEORGHE: “You’ve got to wonder how DREDD is fairing these days .. with Jane Doe thinking that she is Jonathan Marx’s sister … and Karla Starr pulling the wool over their eyes last week and making them think that she joined their ranks.”
JIVE: “Well Starr got paidback this week … courtesy of Caitlyn Daymon and Whisper .. she’s playing all parties against each other so far in New ERA.”
JACOBS: “And his opponent…”
(CUEUP: ‘Imperial March’ by John Williams, with soundbytes by Colin Powell, Dick Cheney and GW woven in. He walks down to the ring with an American flag on display on the big screens.)
JACOBS: “He hails from Conservative Middle America … standing six foot five and weighing 257 pounds ………. THE PHANTOM REPUBLICAN!”
(SFX: Bell rings.)
GHEORGHE: “The Phantom Republican immediately slides into the ring and starts wailing away on John Doe, who was caught off guard!”
JIVE: “The Phantom Republican knows that if he lets John Doe start on equal footing that he’s going to eventually use some underhanded tactics … and as the Phantom Republican is a crusader for moral values in a corrupt world, he didn’t want to let that happen!”
GHEORGHE: “You’d make a fine politician, Nick.”
JIVE: “Thank you.”
GHEORGHE: “Now only if you didn’t have that past of police citations for trying to pick up hookers…”
JIVE: “THOSE ARE SEALED DOCUMENTS!”
GHEORGHE: “The Phantom Republican with the head of John Doe … and he sends it flying into the top turnbuckle … and again …. And again! John Doe’s head is bouncing off the turnbuckle pad like a basketball.”
JIVE: “Well it’s got about the same amount of contents in it as a basketball does.”
GHEORGHE: “I would love for him to get his hands on you one day..”
JIVE: “Your homoeroticism is shining through full force tonight, Tom.”
GHEORGHE: “Phantom Republican now picks up John Doe … and hits him with an atomic drop .. THEN DROPS HIM WITH A BEAUTIFULLY PLACED STANDING DROPKICK! The Phantom Republican not letting up as he now places a knee shot to the side of the torso of Doe as he tried to move. John Doe now struggling to get to the ropes … BUT THE PHANTOM REPUBLICAN PULLS HIM TO THE CENTER OF THE RING!”
JIVE: “John Doe was going too far left for the Phantom Republican’s tastes … so he pulled him to the center.”
GHEORGHE: “John Doe though manages to get a piece of the eyes of Phantom Republican and he lets go of Doe’s foot. John Doe gets to his feet and he walks right up behind the Phantom Republican…. FULL NELSON SUPLEX! John Doe covers … ONE …… but only can get the one count.”
JIVE: “Thank God the referee is there … if this thing was left to the wrestlers, John Doe would be screwed … he can only count to one!”
GHEORGHE: “John Doe up and he has the Republican up with him … John Doe now hooks the arms …. BUTTERFLY SUPLEX! John Doe again with the cover …. AND THIS TIME HE DOESN’T EVEN GET A ONE COUNT! The Phantom Republican kicked out of the attempt before the referee even got a chance to get to the mat!”
JIVE: “John Doe is trying to throw the Phantom Republican off of his game by making these early pin attempts, but what he’s really doing is wearing himself down.”
GHEORGHE: “John Doe back to his feet …”
(The camera does a split screen of Cameron Cruise who is watching the match intently.)
JIVE: “I don’t think John Doe has even seen Cameron Cruise yet … after Cruise attacked him on the last edition of RAUCOUS, I’m sure Doe would like to introduce him to a few chairs .. maybe even a bell hammer.”
GHEORGHE: “John Doe is focused on his match right now .. but I know that if he saw Cameron Cruise his focus would be way off. Doe grabs the feet of the Phantom Republican …… he spreads his legs ….. AND DROPS A HEADBUTT RIGHT BETWEEN THE LEGS!! The Phantom Republican yelps in pain!”
JIVE: “Isn’t that an automatic disqualification?”
GHEORGHE: “Not in New ERA, Nick. The referee will warn him about going downstairs, but he won’t disqualify him.”
JIVE: “Damn.”
GHEORGHE: “John Doe picks the Phantom Republican up and sends him into the ropes … John Doe with a clothesline attempt, but the Phantom Republican ducks under it and comes back off the rebound ….. AND THE PHANTOM REPUBLICAN PLANTS A FOOT RIGHT INTO THE GUT OF JOHN DOE ….. HE PICKS HIM UP AND DOWNS HIM WITH A PILEDRIVER!”
JIVE: “The Phantom Republican now with John Doe … and he’s going for a standing vertical suplex!”
GHEORGHE: “Not just any delayed suplex, Nick …. This is the Unilateral Strike!!! AND PHANTOM REPUBLICAN SLAMS DOE TO THE MAT FRONT FIRST! John Doe’s body just bounced at least 2 feet in the air after hitting the mat!”
JIVE: “That looked like the bomb that hit Hiroshima, Tom … and by the looks of John Doe, he’s already feeling the side effects!”
GHEORGHE: “John Doe still on his stomach as the Phantom Republican steps over him …. AND NOW THE PHANTOM REPUBLICAN LOCKS ON A CAMEL CLUTCH!”
JIVE: “Jonathan Marx and Brandon Jacobs are pounding on the mat telling Doe to get to the ropes. DREDD would hate to see one of their members lose a match tonight.”
GHEORGHE: “Jonathan Marx having tonight off and John Doe is looking like he’s in tough shape as the Phantom Republican leans back …. John Doe reaching out for the ropes … he’s almost got them, but the Phantom Republican is leaning back so much that it’s taken about an inch or two away from Doe’s arm length.”
JIVE: “Both of these men are going to have to face pretty much every member of New ERA’s roster come Battle BRAWL in an attempt to become the next Television title champion .. and if either man gets injured tonight they can pretty much kiss it goodbye!”
GHEORGHE: “John Doe is reaching for the ropes … he is giving it all but he just can’t .. WAIT! JOHN DOE GRASPS THE BOTTOM ROPE AND THE REFEREE IS CALLING FOR THE BREAK! The Phantom Republican isn’t releasing the hold!!”
REF: “ONE! TWO! THREE! FOUR! …”
GHEORGHE: “FINALLY THE PHANTOM REPUBLICAN RELEASES THE CAMEL CLUTCH! John Doe slumps to the mat in exhaustion … and the Phantom Republican pulls him to the center of the ring … and now the Phantom Republican …… HE’s HEADING UP TOP!”
JIVE: “What could he be doing?!”
GHEORGHE: “The Phantom Republican up on the top rope …….. STAR WARS! THE PHANTOM REPUBLICAN WITH THE ARCHING MOONSAULT AND HE LANDS RIGHT ONTOP OF JOHN DOE! ONE ………….. TWO ………………. THR—NOOOO! John Doe kicks out!”
JIVE: “How the hell did he do that?!”
GHEORGHE: “It seems there’s still a lot of spunk left in John Doe.”
JIVE: “It was probably just a muscle spasm … those shouldn’t count as kickouts.”
GHEORGHE: “The Phantom Republican walking around the ring now … and he drives the knee into the inner thigh of John Doe. John Doe sits up in pain … and the Phantom Republican with a European uppercut sends him right back down!”
JIVE: “We should start calling that the American uppercut when the Phantom Republican is in the ring … we don’t want to diss him by saying he’d do anything European… except Swedish women.”
GHEORGHE: “The Phantom Republican now bringing John Doe to his feet … he sends him to the ropes … Doe ducks the clothesline attempt … AND SWINGS HIS LEGS AROUND AND CATCHES THE PHANTOM REPUBLICAN WITH A CRUCIFIX!”
JIVE: “He’s trying to use Phantom Republican’s faith in God against him!”
GHEORGHE: “ONE ….. TWO ……… kickout by Phantom Republican! The Phantom Republican very pissed off as he gets to his feet and he drops the elbow .. BUT JOHN DOE ROLLS OUT OF THE WAY AND THE PHANTOM REPUBLICAN HITS THE MAT! The Phantom Republican now holding his elbow as he gets back to his feet … and John Doe now resting over the second rope! The Phantom Republican revs up … AND HE HOPS ON THE BACK OF JO—NO! JOHN DOE ROLLED OFF THE ROPES AND THE PHANTOM REPUBLICAN CROTCH SHOTS HIMSELF OFF THE ROPES!”
JIVE: “And that HURTS!”
GHEORGHE: “How would you know, you haven’t stepped foot in a ring since you’ve started, never the less been in a match.”
JIVE: “Unlike you, Tom, I can still feel sensations in my lower regions, which means I can feel empathy for when that happens.”
GHEORHGE: “So in other words, you have sympathy pains.”
JIVE: “Exactly.”
GHEORGHE: “Uh huh. Anyways. John Doe now using the ropes to get to his feet as the Phantom Republican is getting up gingerly. They’re both to their feet and they meet on the side of the ropes …. John Doe kicks it off with a left fist to the face of the Phantom Republican …. And the Phantom Republican fires right back! John Doe with a left fist now … and the Phantom Republican fires right back! They tie up on the ropes … John Doe getting in some shots to the head of the Phantom Republican … AND THE PHANTOM REPUBLICAN DUMPS JOHN DOE OVER THE TOP ROPE ……. BUT JOHN DOE BRINGS HIM OVER, TOO!”
JIVE: “They hit the floor like Democrat’s expectations in the South!”
GHEORGHE: “Both John Doe and the Phantom Republican are lying on the floor and the referee is going out to check on them.”
JIVE: “What the referee should be doing is making sure that no shenanigans go on with DREDD and Cameron Cruise around ringside.”
GHEORGHE: “Cameron Cruise is now sitting straight up in his chair as the two men in this match are in front of him.”
JIVE: “I think Cruise is wetting his lips! He’s drooling over the opportunity to knock John Doe through a loop and finish his schooling.”
GHEORGHE: “Both men starting to stir now .. John Doe using the ring to get to his feet as the Phantom Republican is in front of Cameron Cruise … THE PHANTOM REPUBLICAN SEES CAMERON CRUISE IN THE FRONT ROW AND TAKES A FEW STEPS BACK ….. BUT JOHN DOE CATCHES HIM ………. AND JOHN DOE WITH A GERMAN SUPLEX ON THE ARENA FLOOR!!! JOHN DOE HOLDS ON …. AND HITS HIM WITH A SECOND ……….. AND JOHN DOE GOES FOR THE TRIFECTA AND NAILS THE THIRD!”
JIVE: “The Phantom Republican has GOT to be out of it!”
GHEORGHE: “John Doe STILL hasn’t noticed Cameron Cruise …. AND NOW JOHN DOE GOES OVER TO THE STEEL STEPS AND PICKS UP THE TOP HALF!! JOHN DOE TOSSES THE STEPS RIGHT ON TOP OF THE PHANTOM REPUBLICAN!”
JIVE: “The Phantom Republican needs a little bit of help from his savior right now.”
GHEORGHE: “John Doe picks the Phantom Republican up … AND HE IRISH WHIPS HIM INTO THE STEEL POS…. NO THE PHANTOM REPUBLICAN WITH THE REVERSAL AND JOHN DOE GOES SHOULDER FIRST INTO THE STEEL RING POST!”
JIVE: “Prayer answered, apparently.”
GHEORGHE: “Both men are down to the arena floor as the referee rolls back into the ring and starts his count.”
REF: “ONE! …. TWO! …. THREE!”
GHEORGHE: “The Phantom Republican inching over to John Doe …he climbs over the body of Doe and goes underneath the ring … the Phantom Republican looking for anything he can use … and now John Doe is stirring …. John Doe kicks the Phantom Republican off of him ….”
REF: “FOUR! …. FIVE! ….. SIX!”
JIVE: “Someone better get in the ring soon.”
GHEORGHE: “John Doe pulls the Phantom Republican from underneath the ring … AND THE PHANTOM REPUBLICAN HAS A CHAIR! John Doe drops the elbow …. And now he rolls into the ring to break up the count! John Doe rolls out of the ring again … and the Phantom Republican is standing and he has the chair! JOHN DOE WRESTLES THE CHAIR FROM THE PHANTOM REPUBLICAN’s HANDS AND WINDS UP!”
JIVE: “BUT THE PHANTOM REPUBLICAN IS POINTING TO CAMERON CRUISE!”
GHEORGHE: “John Doe looks confused and turns around ….. BUT THE PHANTOM REPUBLICAN STEALS THE CHAIR BACK AND LEVELS JOHN DOE IN THE BACK OF THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR!”
JIVE: “BUT NOT BEFORE DOE SAW CAMERON CRUISE!”
GHEORGHE: “John Doe had a look of CONTEMPT on his face as he noticed Cruise in the front row …. And now Cameron Cruise has the hugest smile on his face!’
JIVE: “Cruise didn’t even have to do anything and he has almost cost Doe the match!”
GHEORGHE: “NOW JONATHAN MARX NOTICES CRUISE AND HE COMES OVER AND IS GETTING IN HIS FACE!”
JIVE: “But The Phantom Republican is rolling John Doe back into the ring…”
GHEORGHE: “Brandon Jacobs is over trying to tell Jonathan Marx to pay attention to the match … but Marx is laying it into Cameron Cruise and has his back to the action! The Phantom Republican is in the ring ………………………. SNAKE EYES!!!!! THE PHANTOM REPUBLICAN IS CALLING FOR THE END OF THIS MATCH!”
JIVE: “Brandon Jacobs is TUGGING ON THE ARM OF JONATHAN MARX TO TURN AROUND BUT MARX IS WAVING HIM OFF!”
GHEORGHE: “The Phantom Republican now placing the head of John Doe between his legs as he holds up three fingers…”
JIVE: “That’s the ‘W’ sign … the Phantom Republican dedicating this victory to George W. Bush!”
GHEORGHE: “THE PHANTOM REPUBLICAN LIFTS DOE UP ……. AND HE NAILS THE MOAB!!!!!! JOHN DOE IS OUT LIKE A LIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE RING AND BRANDON JACOBS CAN’T GET JONATHAN MARX TO INTERVENE!”
JIVE: “It’s all over!”
GHEORGHE: “The PHANTOM REPUBLICAN WITH THE COVER ……… ONE ……………. TWO ………………….”
JIVE: “ BRANDON’s sliding in himself!”
GHEORGHE: “THHHHHHREEEEEEEEE!!! ITS TOO LATE!!!”
(SFX: Bell rings.)
JACOBS: “The winner of this match via pinfall ……. THE PHANTOM REPUBLICAN!”
JIVE: “Jonathan Marx just shot around and now he realizes what has happened!”
GHEORGHE: “AND NOW CAMERON CRUISE HAS GOTTEN UP AND IS WALKING THROUGH THE CROWD TO THE EXIT!”
JIVE: “Cameron Cruise just cost John Doe the victory …. AND ALL HE HAD TO DO WAS GET NOTICED!”
GHEORGHE: “Jonathan Marx now in the ring with Jacobs as they’re getting John Doe to his feet …… and the Phantom Republican is now celebrating this hard fought victory as he is walking back up the rampway.”
JIVE: “What a performance by the Phantom Republican .. using the elements to his favor here tonight!”
GHEORGHE: “Ladies and gentlemen, things are just heating up … and with our next match its going to boil over … as tonight’s MAIN EVENT ….. El ARCO IRIS ….. MWG …. COMING UP NEXT!”
