(CUTTO: Entrance ramp. “That’s Entertainment” by the Jam cues up, the lights dim, and a spotlight follows a gloating MR. ENTERTAINMENT, in a white singlet and denim shorts. He slides into the ring, jumps up on a turnbuckle, and draws a fair amount of disdain from the crowd after calling some guy in the front row a punk…)
JACOBS: “THE FOLLOWING CONTEST IS A TRIANGLE EMININATION MATCH… INTRODUCING FIRST, from ASHLAND OREGON, WEIGHING IN AT 234 POUNDS… MISTER .. ENTERTAINMENT!”
(Mr. Entertainment runs up to the other turnbuckle, strikes a pose, and spits his gum at the audience when they flip him off…)
JIVE: “I like this guy. He’s got spunk.”
MWG: “(Yawn)”
GHEORGHE: “Mr. Entertainment shows much promise. His ecletic arsenal of moves aught to keep any opponent he encounters off guard.”
JIVE: “And he knows to call the fans out on being the lot of blithering fucktards they are.”
(Back at the entrance ramp, “Don’t Tread on Me” by Metalica blasts on, as a focused and stoic INSURGENT walks to the ring and stands in the corner, staring down a cocky and defiant Mr. Entertainment…)
JACOBS: “Weighing 220 POUNDS… THIS IS THE INSURGENT!”
GHEORGHE: “The deadly serious Insurgent’s making his debut tonight. He’s wrestling for the noble cause of spreading the word about government corruption.”
MWG: “Gawd, I hate Metalica.”
JIVE: “So… what? We’ll feud this guy against the Phantom Republican, and make it a blue state vs. red state capture the flag death match or something?”
MWG: “Hey, EYE voted Republican...”
JIVE: “Really?”
MWG: “I have no idea.”
(Meanwhile, “Headstrong” by Trapt starts playing. The crowd pops hardcore for CAMEREON CRUISE, who jogs to the ring, jumps up on the second rope, raises a fist, and smirks a cocky damn smirk…)
JACOBS: “AND THEIR OPPONENT… from JACKSONVILLE NORTH CAROLINA… WEIGHING IN AT 252 POUNDS… CAMERON CRUISE!”
MWG: “BOOOOOOO!!!! YOU SUCK!!!”
GHEORGHE: “Cameron Cruise of course being one of the sports noteworthy upstarts. It’s a matter of time before he captures a major singles title.”
JIVE: “Yeah, and he’s verbally punked you out a couple of times, huh Em?”
MWG: “And he stole my boyfriend.”
JIVE: (Ghetto-ized) “No he didn’t.”
MWG: (sighs) “…yeah.”
(SFX: Bell rings)
GHEORGHE: “Alright… three way stand off here. Mr. Entertainment appears to be offering his aid to Cameron Cruise…”
JIVE: “Yeah! Gang up on the baby face.”
GHEORGHE: “Insurgent eyeballing his two possible attackers, Mr. Entertainment rushes the Insurgent…. Insurgent ducks….. Mr. E bounces off the ropes, (crowd pop) and Cruise catches him on the rebound with a fallaway flap jack!!”
JIVE: “Heh heh. He completely fucked Mr. Entertainment over!”
MWG: “Eh, Cruise isn’t so cool.”
GHEORGHE: “Insurgent knees Cruise in the gut…. bounces him off the ropes, Cruise with a leap frog….. Insurgent drops down…. Cruise goes for a crucifix roll up...”
JIVE: “Can he pull him over?! It’s intense!!”
GHEORGHE: “He does! ONE ……… TWO ……. NO! Insurgent kicks out. Everyone gets back to their feet… (SFX: WHACK) And Mr. Entertainment superkicks Cameron Cruise right in the back of the skull!!”
MWG: “Now THAT gets me horny!”
GHEORGHE: “Insurgent tackles Mr. Entertainment and grabs hold of a leg…. And NOW HE SLAPS ON AN INVERTED ANKLE LOCK!”
JIVE: “Eh, no way he’s gonna make him tap out this early.”
GHEORGHE: “But he WILL mess up his leg…. thereby making him more likely to tap out later. Meanwhile Cruise gets a running start off the ropes… and NAILS Mr. Entertainment with a legdrop! But Insurgent keeps the hold locked in!! Cruise covers ONE …….. TWO ………. KICKOUT!!”
MWG: “Jeez, I actually didn’t think he was gonna do that.”
GHEORGHE: “Mr. Entertainment showing a LOT of resiliency early on. Meanwhile Insurgent has released the hold on Mr. Entertainment… he gets up and kicks Cruise in the gut….. and now he flings him halfway across the ring with a double arm suplex!”
JIVE: “Cruise bounced harder than one of your child support payment checks, Tom.”
(MWG laughs)
GHEORGHE: “Thank you Nick. That was absolutely called for. Mr. E is back to his feet….. nails Insurgent with an elbow……. And he tosses him into the corner, and rushes in with a BIG clothesline!! Now he pulls Insurgent back to the corner and climbs up behind... (pop) DIANMOND DUST neckbreaker!!”
MWG: “Gawd, that’s a sexy ass neckbreaker.”
GHEORGHE: “Insurgent is laid out as Mr. Entertainment is currently posing for the crowd when he should be going for the cover, Cameron Cruise approaches Mr. E… (pop) and spits in his face! Mr. Entertainment slaps Cruise!! And Cruise puts Mr. E in a headlock!!”
JIVE: “Oh wow. The dreaded headlock. Hey, is it getting hot in here or something? I feel kinda weird.”
MWG: “Yeah. I spiked your water with Gee...”
JIVE: “...The date rape drug shit?”
MWG: “Heh. Yeah. Aren’t I precious?”
GHEORGHE: “Insurgent now back to his feet… and he puts Cameron Cruise in a headlock!! TRIPLE HEADLOCK!!”
MWG: “Now THAT is a sexy ass headlock, bitch.”
GHEORGHE: “Mr. Entertainment feeling the pressure here… He counters with a stunner on Cruise! I think Cruise’s head bounced back and hit the Insurgent!!”
JIVE: “Mr. E’s going apeshit in there!!”
GHEORGHE: “Flip dropkick on Cruise! Spin kick on Insurgent!! Mr. Entertainment goes for a kick on Cruise, but Cruise catches the foot! Mr. E goes for the enziguri, Cruise ducks the enziguri!! AND THEN HE DUCKS THE REVERSE ENZIGURI!!! Cruise spins Mr. E around, (pop) and NAILS him with a head and arm suplex!!! Insurgent catches Cruise-T-BONE SUPLEX!!”
MWG: “These guys are playing it waaaaay to loud. You gotta be smooth, mah brutha.”
GHEORGHE: “Insurgent pulls Mr. E off the mat and plants him with a twisting fisherman suplex! ONE ……. TWO …… NOOOOOOOO!! Insurgent holds onto the cradle, rolls Mr. E over… and knees him right in the shoulder blades!!”
JIVE: “Yeah, that’ll break your collar bone no problem. When do I have to be worried about this stuff kicking in?”
MWG: “Beats me.”
GHEORGHE: “Insurgent has Mr. Entertainment locked in a double arm submission like move!!! Mr. E is screaming “NO” at the ref!!”
JIVE: “I think they call that one the “Rings of Saturn,” in some circles. In others they call it “The Will of Baphomet,” in others, “the Assassination of Andy Warhol.””
MWG: “Warhol was shit. But man, he threw GREAT parties.”
GHEORGHE: “Cruise perched on the top rope, neither of the other two competitors notice… Cruise breaks up the hold with a flying elbow RIGHT into the back of the Insurgent!! Cruise covers… ONE ………. TWO ……… THR—NOOO KICKOUT!!”
JIVE: “And now everyone’s all laid out!!”
GHEORGHE: “The ref is starting the 10 count for someone to get up. This match could end as a three way draw right here.”
MWG: “Aw, I’m sure someone will get up in time. They usually do.”
GHEORGHE: “Mr. Entertainment is risen, he lifts Cameron Cruise off the mat... lifts him over his shoulder in a cradle position… EMERALD FUSION!!”
JIVE:(breathing heavily) “Wow, this is some great air!!!”
MWG: “It’s so like... wicked killer air.”
GHEORGHE: “Mr. E looks like he’s thinking of going for the kill...”
MWG: “Yeah, he’s doing the “I’m finished” thing with his arms. That usually means it’s time for the big spot.”
GHEORGHE: “Mr. E gets a go behind waist lock on Cruise….. pushes him into the ropes going for a Mexican rollup but Cruise holds onto the top rope!! Mr. E rolls through, bounces off the ropes, Cruise blocks a clothesline…”
(SFX: POP)
JIVE: “That’s a dandy!!!”
MWG: “Shit. Gawd damn flatliner finishers.”
GHEORGHE: “REALITY CHECK!!! Cruise hooks both legs ONE ………. TWO ……… THREEEEEEE!!!”
(SFX: Bell rings.)
JACOBS: “Mister Entertainment has been eliminated!!!”
GHEORGHE: “Mr. Entertainment had a good showing, but the veteran Cruise was able to take advantage of that one mistake.”
MWG: “Yeah, Cruise just got lucky. What a stupid bitch.”
JIVE: “I’m getting pins and needles in my entire body.”
GHEORGHE: “What the hell did you give him?”
MWG: “What are you talking about?”
GHEORGHE: “Insurgent clips out Cruise’s knee from behind!!”
MWG: “Isn’t that illegal?”
GHEORGHE: “Not really. Now Insurgent locks in a bow and arrow submission!! Cruise is refusing to tap…”
JIVE: “I can see through time…”
GHEORGHE: “Cruise breaks the hold with a backwards headbutt, probably out of desperation more than anything else. Cruise whacks Insurgent across the face with an elbow, and turns around…”
MWG: “Uh oh. That’s Old School!!”
GHEORGHE: “FIGURE FOUR!!!”
JIVE: “It’s not supposed to bend that way!!”
GHEORGHE: “Insurgent is trying to roll Cruise over, thereby reversing the hold… He does, BUT CRUISE USES THE MOMENTUM TO ROLL OVER AGAIN!!”
JIVE: “Insurgent’s back to where he started.”
MWG: “Hey, you’re coherent again.”
JIVE: “Yeah. I got high metabolism.”
GHEORGHE: “Insurgent managed to get to the ropes... Cruise jumps up and jams a knee right into the leg of the Insurgent!! I don’t know about this strategy by Cruise. He usually specializes in impact moves, where Insurgent specializes in submission.”
JIVE: “Yeah. So it messes with Insurgent’s game plan. Y’know. Using the um... things he would normally uh… What was I just talking about?”
GHEORGHE: “Cruise now lifts up the Insurgent... KNEE BREAKER!!!”
MWG: “Harsh.”
GHEORGHE: “Cruise throws Insurgent into the ropes... (SFX: POP) And there’s the FRANKENCRUISE!! ONE ……. TWO ………. THREE!!!
JIVE: “NOOOO! Insurgent got out just in time.”
MWG: “Aw, you just said it looked like three to make it more exciting. You guys are always doing that.”
GHEORGHE: “Cruise now ascending the turnbuckles, waiting for the Insurgent to get up...”
JIVE: “He better watch out up there. It’s bat country.”
GHEORGHE: “A dazed Insurgent is back to his feet…Cruise leaps off with a MISILE DROPKICK!!! (SFX: THUD)Insurgent saw it coming!! He grabs Cruise by the legs and rolls over into a Texas Cloverleaf!!!”
MWG: “Man, this match is submission move heavy.”
GHEORGHE: “Cruise may have no choice but to tap out if the Insurgent can get the hold locked in, which he can’t quite seem to... No! Cruise rolls out, and pushes The Insurgent into the turnbuckle! Cruise now hooks up the Insurgent looking for a Tornado DDT.”
JIVE: “Sneak aaaaaup, and hitcha like a fucking tornado!!”
MWG: “Alright. Rawk it.”
GHEORGHE: “Cruise spins off… And the Insurgent counters with a northern lights suplex!!! ONE ……… TWO ……. KICKOUT!”
JIVE: “I wanna be, wanna be, wanna be pretty!!!”
GHEORGHE: “What, is he in like, the second wave or something?”
MWG: “Yeah. Y’know. Riding the snake. Or something. Can I smoke in here?”
GHEORGHE: “Probably not. Insurgent kicks Cruise in the stomach…... Looks like he’s setting up for a powerbomb!! He’s got Cruise up, and Cruise is fighting it!!”
MWG: “Isn’t this exciting?!”
GHEORGHE: “Insurgent loses his balance, and stumbles backward!!! (SFX: SHOCK POP) FRANKENCRUISE from the inside of the ring onto the floor!!”
MWG: “Wow, he spun Insurgent around in mid-air. I should steal that spot.”
GHEORGHE: “The referee is now beginning the 10 count. Insurgent looks really groggy, but he gets back up and tosses Cruise back inside the ring. Cruise looks like he’s perking up a bit. Insurgent hops up on the ring apron...(SFX: Nuther POP) Cruise with a springboard MISILE DROPKICK from the corner!!! The Insurgent goes FLYING into the barricade!!”
JIVE: “He ain’t pretty no more!!”
GHEORGHE: “Insurgent wobbles up to his feet….. Cruise gets a running start off the ropes and goes for the baseball slide …… but Insurgent dodges and Cruise slides harmlessly onto the floor. Insurgent grabs Cruise...”
(SFX: CLANG)
MWG: “There y’go!! Fuck Cammy up!! Fuck him up something horrible!!”
GHEORGHE: “Release overhead Belly to belly suplex!! Cruise went flying upside down into the barricade!!!”
JIVE: “He landed right on his noggin, too. Bummer.”
GHEORGHE: “Insurgent rolls Cruise back into the ring, covers ONE ………….. TWO ………. ANOTHER KICK OUT!! This is quite the competitive match.”
MWG: “I’m like… so totally not impressed.”
GHEORGHE: “Insurgent picks Cruise back up, and locks him in a cobra clutch...”
JIVE: “Uh oh!! This is his move!!”
MWG: “Really? Sergeant Slaughter style? Sweet.”
GHEORGHE: “No! Cruise throws his leg back and kicks Insurgent right in the junk!!
MWG: “Isn’t that usually a DQ?”
JIVE: “Naw the ref was y’know, looking at something else.”
GHEORGHE: “Cruise turns around, and WAILS Insurgent into the mat with an Implant DDT!!!”
JIVE: “That’s his set-up move!! I read it on neweraofwrestling.net!!”
GHEORGHE: “Cruise has got the fallen Insurgent by the leg…He’s calling for the STF!!!”
JIVE: “That’s um… his other finisher!!!”
MWG: “Ugh. Having two finishers is so two years ago.”
GHEORGHE: “But Insurgent kicks Cruise into the ropes before he can turn him over!! Cruise stumbles back, and Insurgent grabs him in a backslide!! ONE …… TWO ….. Cruise rolls out AND KICKS INSURGENT IN THE STOMACH!!! HE HOOKS HIM…..”
JIVE: “He’s going for the Reality Check again!”
GHEORGHE: “Insurgent grabs the ropes, and Cruise slams himself to the mat. Insurgent hops on the apron… Slingshot leg drop misses!!!”
MWG: “Man, this match is making me tired.”
GHEORGHE: “Cruise is setting Insurgent up for a powerbomb….. Insurgent counters with a small package!! ONE …….. TWO …….. NO! Cruise rolls ontop of Insurgent, and grabs a fistful of tights!! ONE ……… TWO …….. NO! Insurgent rolls it all the way over back onto Cruise!!! ONE …………. TWO …………. THREEEEEEEEEEE!!!”
MWG: “Whew.”
(SFX: Bell Rings. CUEUP: ‘Don’t Tread on Me.’ Insurgent shoots Cruise a “fuck you” smirk and slides out of the ring. Cruise slaps the mat obviously pissed off…)
JACOBS: “The winner of this match …… THE INSURGENT!”
GHEORGHE: “Tough break for Cameron Cruise. That match could’ve gone either way.”
JIVE: “Although I suppose beating Cameron Cruise, who’s no slouch at all, in your debut makes a successful future in this company more than likely.”
MWG: “Indeed. I think I’ll go backstage and find something to have sex with now. Toodles.”
(MWG gets up and takes off his headset. He turns and winks at Jive before blowing him a kiss. Jive rubs his eyes and yawns… then he grabs onto Gheorghe’s arm.)
JIVE: “If I begin to drift away to sleep … please … I’m begging you, DON’T LET HIM TAKE ME! Who knows where I’ll wake up!”
GHEORGHE: “I’m sure I could make some good money off of MWG if I were to wander off for a few minutes….”
JIVE: “I’LL PAY YOU DOUBLE TO STAY HERE!”
GHEORGHE: “Haha, well … we gotta take a commercial break … I’ll think about it, Nick. When we come back we have the second of our four quarterfinals matches … as Taylor Mathis will take on Wyatt Bailey!”
