JACOBS: “The following match is tonight’s main event …. And is for the New ERA of Wrestling WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE! Introducing first …”
(CUEUP: ‘Imperial March’ by John Williams. It has voice overs from Dick Cheney, George Bush and other GOP celebrities. The Phantom Republican comes down the rampway wearing red, white and blue.)
JACOBS: “The challenger … hailing from Conservative Middle America … he weighs in at 257 pounds …. THE PHANTOM REPUBLICAN!!”
GHEORGHE: “Phantom Republican has been touting himself as the next best Heavyweight Champion … and he’s going to have to throw everything including the kitchen sink at Rabesque to make good on his promises.”
JACOBS: “And finally…”
(CUEUP: ‘Shapes of Things’ by the Jeff Healy Band .. the crowd goes nuts when Rabesque enters through the curtains.)
JACOBS: “Hailing from Montreal, Quebec, Canada … standing 6’1 and weighing 241 pounds … he is the WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION ……………. JEAN RABESQUE!”
(SFX: Bell rings.)
GHEORGHE: “This match has been building and building .. and I think I speak for all of New ERA when I say that I can’t wait to see how this one ends!”
JIVE: “I’ve been telling you! Rabesque will be sent packing to Canada with his tail tucked between his legs!”
GHEORGHE: “Both men in the middle of the ring .. and the Phantom Republican hasn’t stopped talking to the World’s Champ since he got into the ring …. AND FINALLY RABESQUE HAS ENOUGH AND SLAPS PHANTOM REPUBLICAN ACROSS THE FACE! The Phantom Republican now charges at Rabesque, and Rabesque catches him with a drop toe hold! Rabesque up quickly, and he grabs onto the leg of the Phantom Republican … and drives the knee into the mat! Phantom Republican rolls to the ropes and the referee stops Rabesque from advancing any closer.”
JULIUS: “All Phantom Republican was doing was trying to wish him good luck, and that dirty Canuck Rabesque disrespected him!”
GHEORGHE: “Well, I don’t know what Phantom Republican was saying to him, but Rabesque obviously didn’t like it!”
JIVE: “Rabesque needs to get off his high horse!”
GHEORGHE: “Phantom Republican back on his feet now and he comes off the ropes … Republican throws a right hand … but Rabesque ducks underneath and catches the arm … and the World Champion takes him down to the mat with an arm bar! The Phantom Republican quickly rolls out of it … and now he’s on his knees. Republican with a rake of the eyes and Rabesque releases the hold!”
JULIUS: “There we go, Phantom Republican.. just keep the pressure on.”
GHEORGHE: “Phantom Republican with a double axe han.. no! Rabesque with a shot to the gut … he slides behind Republican … AND TAKES HIM OVER WITH A GERMAN SUPLEX! The World Champion now grabs at the leg of the Phantom Republican … he steps on his other leg … AND FALLS BACK SNAPPING THE KNEE OF REPUBLICAN AGAINST THE MAT!”
JIVE: “What’s up with that! The referee should have allowed the Phantom Republican to get some time to get back to his feet.”
GHEORGHE: “He wasn’t in the ropes, Nick..”
JIVE: “So? If that were Rabesque, the referee would probably be down with smelling salts to wake his ass up!”
GHEORGHE: “Jean Rabesque grabs the Phantom Republican and brings him back to his feet … irish whip sends Republican into the ropes … and Rabesque catches him on the return with a clothesline. Rabesque brings Republican to his feet again … AND HE BRINGS HIM HIIIIIIIIGH INTO THE AIR ……….. AND DOWN TO THE MAT WITH A STALLING VERTICAL SUPLEX! Rabesque with a quick cover… ONE …… but The Phantom Republican kicks out.”
JIVE: “Rabesque tried to pull a fast one on the Phantom Republican, but he forgets that The Phantom Republican almost doubles his IQ..”
GHEORGHE: “I highly doubt that Republican has double the IQ of Rabesque..”
JULIUS: “Well .. if you convert it to Canadian currency, he almost does…”
GHEORGHE: “Uh……. back in the ring the World Champion has the front face lock on .. I think he’s doing the right thing by trying to keep the Phantom Republican on the mat … Rabesque is by far one of the greatest technical wrestlers ever to have graced the squared circle.”
JIVE: “In other words, if Republican gets on his feet, he wins the match, yea?”
GHEORGHE: “That’s not what I was saying…”
JIVE: “Sure sounded like it to me.”
GHEORGHE: “The Phantom Republican getting a second wind it seems as he’s trying to overpower Rabesque and get back to his feet …. Rabesque re-locking the front face lo… REPUBLICAN BROKE FREE! The Phantom Republican with an elbow to the midsection … he grabs Rabesque’s head …. AND DDTs him to the mat! The Phantom Republican gets back on his feet … he rips Rabesque up … AND CONNECTS WITH A SHORT ARM CLOTHESLINE! Republican drops down … ONE …….. TW—Kickout by the Champ!”
JULIUS: “Smart move trying to end this match as soon as possible..”
GHEORGHE: “Earlier you said that Rabesque was pulling a fast one when he did that..”
JULIUS: “No I didn’t…”
JIVE: “I did .. and HOW DARE you mix me up with him!”
GHEORGHE: “I’m.. I’m sorry, I guess? Republican and Rabesque both getting to their feet … Jean Rabesque with a boot to the stomach … but Republican side steps it … he grabs the leg of Rabesque … and takes him down with a side suplex! The Phantom Republican hops to his feet … and he is going up the ropes!”
JIVE: “But Rabesque is getting up!”
GHEORGHE: “The Phantom Republican has his back turned .. he’s going for the Star Wars high arching moonsault … but Rabesque won’t be there! Phantom Republican flies off ……. BUT HE LANDS ON HIS FEET! Rabesque turns …. AND RABESQUE DUCKS UNDER THE CLOTHESLINE ATTEMPT! Rabesque now around …….. BUT GETS CLOBBERED WITH A SUPERKICK!”
JULIUS: “Rabesque is being outclassed.”
GHEORGHE: “The Phantom Republican now placing Rabesque in position … and he’s going up top again! Republican looks back to make sure Rabesque is there …… AND HE FLIES OFF WITH THE STAR WARS HIGH ARCHING MOONSAULT!”
JIVE: “DAMMIT!”
GHEORGHE: “RABESQUE PUT UP THE KNEES! Republican came flying off the top rope and got a chest full of knees for his trouble!”
JULIUS: “Jean Rabesque is crushing all the hopes and dreams of all the little American boys and girls out there who are cheering for the Phantom Republican… what a punk!”
GHEORGHE: “I don’t know who you’ve been talking to Dean, but everyone here tonight is behind the World Champion… and for good reason! Jean Rabesque slowly gets to his feet … and he grabs the legs of the Phantom Republican. Rabesque drags Republican over to the corner …. And he slides under the bottom rope! Rabesque grabs the legs of the Phantom Republican…. AND YANKS HIM FORWARD!”
(SFX: Crowd pops!)
JIVE: “HE JUST NUTSHOTTED HIM WITH THE POLE! He should be stripped of the title!”
GHEORGHE: “Phantom Republican’s lower.. half was split with the pole… and now Rabesque has a hold of one of Republican’s legs …. And he slams the knee against the steel post! Rabesque grabs it again ….. and slams it one more time!! The World Champion now slides back into the ring …. AND HE STARTS STOMPING AWAY ON THE CHALLENGER!”
JULIUS: “C’mon, Republican… show all these people how much of a fraud Jean Rabesque is!”
GHEORGHE: “Rabesque drags Republican out of the corner … and now he picks him up. Rabesque turns him around and throws him into the ropes … and drives an elbow into the small of the back on the return! Rabesque turns Republican around to face him … places his head under the chin … AND DROPS DOWN TO THE MAT! Rabesque driving the top of his head into the jaw of the Phantom Republican .. and Republican is trying to recoup on the ropes ……………. AND JEAN RABESQUE WITH CLOTHESLINE DUMPS HIM OVER THE TOP TO THE ARENA FLOOR!”
JIVE: “Listen to these idiots! How can they cheer for this!?”
GHEORGHE: “He is the World Champion, Nick!”
JIVE: “He’s Canadian though!”
GHEORGHE: “Jean Rabesque soaks in the support of the crowd .. and now he reaches over the top to bring the Phantom Republican into the rin… PHANTOM REPUBLICAN GRABS THE HEAD OF RABESQUE AND DROPS DOWN…. Rabesque’s throat gets jammed into the top rope and the Champ is down! The Phantom Republican uses what energy his has to roll back into the ring .. and both men are lying on the mat!”
JULIUS: “Both men are down.. the referee is counting .. if they both get counted down … we’re going to have a riot!”
GHEORGHE: “These two have exerted an enormous amount of strength already … I’m sure they are using this time to rest.”
JULIUS: “They better be.”
GHEORGHE: “The referee checks on both men … and finally the World Champion is showing signs of life! Rabesque sits up!”
JIVE: “The Phantom Republican just sat up, too!”
GHEORGHE: “Both men are taking their times getting to their feet … and now they turn and see each other! THE PHANTOM REPUBLICAN LUNGES ACROSS THE RING AND HOPS ON TOP OF THE WORLD CHAMPION! Both men are back on the mat … and this time the Phantom Republican is wailing away on the Champion’s head! Republican with fist after fist into the skull of Rabesque .. and now the referee is telling him to open the fists up.”
JIVE: “Republican has already accomplished what he wanted to.”
GHEORGHE: “The Phantom Republican gets back to his feet … and now he grabs the arm of Rabesque … AND THE PHANTOM REPUBLICAN IS TRYING TO LOCK ON A CROSSFACE CHICKENWING!”
JULIUS: “Having Rabesque submit to lose the title? What a brilliant idea!”
GHEORGHE: “The Phantom Republican tries to lock it on … but Rabesque rolls over and over .. and both men are in the ropes! The referee is over to break it up. The Phantom Republican back on his feet … AND HE KICKS RABESQUE IN THE CHEST! That wasn’t very nice at all.”
JIVE: “This is a World title match, Gheorghe… the Phantom Republican wants to be World Champ, not a Boy Scout.”
GHEORGHE: “Phantom Republican waits for Rabesque to get to his feet …. Rabesque up … Republican charges in …….. AND THE WORLD CHAMPION DUCKS DOWN AND SENDS THE PHANTOM REPUBLICAN OVER THE TOP ROPE TO THE ARENA FLOOR!”
(SFX: Crowd starts chanting “Ra-besque! Ra-besque!”)
GHEORGHE: “The World Champion down on the mat … the challenger down on the arena floor … and the fans are on their feet!”
JIVE: “This has got to end … and end fast! Jean Rabesque should have lost the title 20 minutes ago!”
GHEORGHE: “Jean Rabesque getting back to his feet … AND HE’s POINTING TO THE FANS AND THEY REPSOND!”
JULIUS: “Does anyone have any type of soft drink I could throw at him right now?”
GHEORGHE: “Rabesque slides underneath the bottom rope and picks up Phantom Republican … atomic drop! Republican takes a few steps … AND RABESQUE CLOTHESLINES HIM FROM BEHIND! The World Champion now has a chair! AND RABESQUE SLAMS THE CHAIR DOWN ON THE REPUBLICAN’s KNEE!”
JIVE: “What the hell! He can’t do that!”
GHEORGHE: “Rabesque grabs the Phantom Republican and rolls him into the ring …. And now he slides in after him. Rabesque picks him to his feet….. and hits a German suplex …. He bridges…. ONE …………… TWO ……………. THRE—NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! The Phantom Republican kicks out!”
JULIUS: “Phantom Republican has got fight left in him, and at this point in the match, that has got to scare Jean Rabesque!”
GHEORGHE: “Rabesque now up …. AND HE IS SIGNALLING TO THE CROWD THAT THIS MATCH IS ALMOST OVER!”
JIVE: “It can’t be! Phantom Republican is supposed to be our new champion!”
GHEORGHE: “Not if the CURRENT champion has anything to say about it, Nick!”
JIVE: “SOMEONE GET ME CHLOROPHORM!”
GHEORGHE: “Oh stop it! Rabesque grabs a hold of Republican’s tights and drags him to his feet …. He hooks the head …. And drives him to the mat with a Russian Leg Sweep! THE WORLD CHAMPION IS HEADING TO THE CORNER!”
JULIUS: “This can’t be happening….”
GHEORGHE: “Rabesque sits on the second rope ….. AND HE DIVES OFF AND DRIVES AN ELBOW RIGHT INTO THE FACE OF THE PHANTOM REPUBLICAN……. AND HE IS CALLING FOR THE FIGURE FOUR!”
(SFX: Fans go crazy as Rabesque grabs a hold of Republican’s leg!)
JIVE: “The Phantom Republican’s knee is already hurt thanks to Rabesque’s illegal use of the chair earlier … this isn’t fair!”
GHEORGHE: “Rabesque wants to remain World Champion, Nick .. not become a Boy Scout.”
JIVE: “Why I oughta…”
GHEORGHE: “RABESQUE TWISTS AROUND …. AND HE’S ALMOST GOT THE FIGURE FOUR LOCKED ON!!!!”
(SFX: Crowd begins to jeer hardcore!)
GHEORGHE: “WAIT A MINUTE…… THE MASKED MAN!!! THE MASKED MAN IS WALKING DOWN THE RAMPWAY …… AND JEAN RABESQUE HAS HIS EYES LOCKED ON HIM!”
JIVE: “Yes!!! My savior!!!”
GHEORGHE: “The Masked Man is waving his finger back and forth at Rabesque …. AND THE WORLD CHAMPION ABANDONS THE FIGURE FOUR AND IS NOW OVER AT THE ROPES YELLING AT THE MASKED MAN!!”
JULIUS: “The Masked Man wants a piece of Rabesque, too! If Phantom Republican doesn’t win the title tonight … then he will!”
GHEORGHE: “Rabesque screaming at the top of his lungs for the Masked Man to get the hell out of the ringside area …… AND PHANTOM REPUBLICAN IS GETTING TO HIS FEET!”
JIVE: “Rabesque doesn’t see him!”
GHEORGHE: “The Phantom Republican with his back to Rabesque .. and he doesn’t know where the Champion is! Rabesque still yelling at the Masked Man who is getting closer and closer to the ring ….. AND REPUBLICAN TURNS AROUND AND SEES RABESQUE WITH HIS BACK TO HIM!”
JULIUS: “Election night is upon us .. and I’m smelling four more years of GOP leadership!”
GHEORGHE: “PHANTOM REPUBLICAN RUNS UP BEHIND RABESQUE …. HE KNOCKS HIM INTO THE ROPES AND ROLLS HIM UP WITH A SUNSET FLIP ………….. REPUBLICAN HAS A HANDFULL OF TIGHTS!!!!!! ONE ……………….. TWO ………………………………… THREEEEEEEEE!!! NOOOOO!!! IT CAN’T END LIKE THIS!”
(SFX: Bell rings! The fans start having brain aneurysms.)
JIVE: “HE DID IT! HE DID IT!”
JACOBS: “Ladies and gentlemen …. The winner of this match …….. and NEW WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION………”
(CUEUP: ‘Imperial March’ by John Williams.)
JACOBS: “THE PHANTOM REPUBLICAN ”
GHEORGHE: “GOD DAMMIT, NO! He had a handful of tights! The Masked Man was distracting Rabesque!”
JULIUS: “Cry me a river pussy man! There’s your new World Heavyweight Champion!”
GHEORGHE: “Rabesque is beside himself!!! He can’t believe it!! The Phantom Republican is in the corner with the ti…… JONATHAN MARX!!”
(Jonathan Marx runs down the rampway like a bat out of hell and knocks the Masked Man down as he slides into the ring and runs straight towards the Phantom Republican.)
GHEORGHE: “MARX IS IN THE RING …. MARX …. HE JUST CLOTHESLINED THE HEAD OFF OF PHANTOM REPUBLICAN!!!”
JIVE: “What’s he doing in there!”
GHEORGHE: “Marx must still be pissed off at the Phantom Republican for attacking him to take his spot at International Intrigue ….”
JULIUS: “Or for doing in one match what he couldn’t do for months … win the World title from Rabesque!”
GHEORGHE: “AND NOW RABESQUE IS ATTACKING MARX…… AND HERE COMES THE MASKED MAN!!! THE MASKED MAN IS IN THE RING …. AND HE GRABS RABESQUE FROM BEHIND AND GERMAN SUPLEXES HIM TO THE MAT!!! Jonathan Marx has The Phantom Republican … AND HE HITS A PILEDRIVER!!!”
JIVE: “This thing has spun out of control!”
GHEORGHE: “LADIES AND GENTLEMEN … WE ARE OUT OF TIME!!! The Phantom Republican is your new World Heavyweight champion… AND THERE IS CHAOS IN THE RING!!!!”
(Officials and referees start running out from the lockerroom area and race to the ring …)
GHEORGHE: “Phantom Republican … is the World Heavyweight champion …..”
(FADETOBLACK: As the referees and officials get in the ring and start mobbing each of the four men to separate them from one another as New ERA’s logo comes on screen.)
