JACOBS: “The following match is an elimination triple threat match … and is tonight’s MAIN EVENT! It has a thirty minute time limit… introducing first..”
(CUEUP: ‘When Worlds Collide’ by Powerman 5000. The crowd jeers as John Doe walks through the curtain w/ Carlee Marx and Brandon Jacobs.)
JACOBS: “Being led to the ring by DREDD … he stands 6’1, weighs 210 pounds and is the former P©X Champion … JOHN DOE!”
JIVE: “Look at how confident Doe looks .. they must have worked something out backstage!”
GHEORGHE: “It wouldn’t surprise me one bit .. especially after all the stunts they pulled on Jean Rabesque.”
JACOBS: “And his opponent…”
(CUEUP: ‘Faggot’ by Mindless Self Indulgence. MWG walks through the curtain w/ Krist Blue..)
JACOBS: “Being led to the ring by Krist Blue … he stands 6’3, weighs 232 pounds, and is a former 2 time Television Champion …. MWG!”
GHEORGHE: “Krist Blue was victorious earlier tonight in a tag team match w/ Foxx against Mercedes Devon and Karla Starr… can the tandem make it two for two?”
(CUEUP: ‘Imperial March’ by John Williams w/ voice overs from various GOP members. The Phantom Republican walks on stage w/ Jeeves.)
JACOBS: “Finally .. from Conservative Middle America.. being led to the ring by Jeffords … he is a former New ERA of Wrestling WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION … the PHANTOM REPUBLICAN!”
JIVE: “Look at how stoic GOP looks!”
GHEORGHE: “He’s looking right at Jonathan Marx and the New ERA World title.”
(SFX: Bell rings.)
JIVE: “There’s a clusterfuck on the outside, don’t you think?”
GHEORGHE: “You’ve got four people on the outside .. four people on the inside .. it’s a mini BattleBRAWL rumble just waiting to happen.”
JIVE: “Jonathan Marx finally taking off the World title .. I bet he just wanted to rub it in Phantom Republican’s face a little longer.”
GHEORGHE: “Marx looks at John Doe and he just gives him a thumbs up … and says that he knows he’d never cheat!Now he moves over to MWG .. and Marx pulls out a pair of white gloves .. and quickly pats the arms of MWG!”
JIVE: “He doesn’t want to get scabies…”
GHEORGHE: “I guess he finds them to be ready … Marx walks over to GOP and asks him to put his arms out … and now he starts patting down his arms .. and his sides …”
JIVE: “Marx spending a little more time on GOP than he did on Doe and MWG, don’t you think?”
GHEORGHE: “The Phantom Republican getting visibly annoyed as Marx instructs him to spread his legs .. and now Marx starts patting down the legs of GOP … and now Marx instructing him to turn around so he can do the back!”
JIVE: “Jonathan Marx is just making sure that GOP isn’t hiding anything in his attire…”
GHEORGHE: “Marx successfully pats down GOP … and NOW HE PULLS OUT A MINI-FLASHLIGHT AND TELLS GOP TO OPEN HIS MOUTH!”
JIVE: “Marx is not only a special referee, but apparently a licensed dentist!”
GHEORGHE: “GOP refuses to open his mouth and has some .. intense words for the World Champion .. and Marx threatens to disqualify GOP if he doesn’t open his mouth!”
JIVE: “Wow …”
GHEORGHE: “GOP finally opens his mouth .. AND MARX STICKS THE FLASHLIGHT IN THERE! AND HERE COMES JOHN DOE AS HE ATTACKS GOP FROM BEHIND!”
JIVE: “Jonathan Marx slips the mini-flashlight into his back pocket and I guess this thing is officially on!”
GHEORGHE: “John Doe slamming those forearms into the back of the head of GOP .. and GOP falls to both knees…”
JIVE: “I think MWG sensed someone was on their knees because he just shot over there.. and is laying fists into the head of GOP while Doe keeps working over the back of the neck.”
GHEORGHE: “Both of these men know that if they can get a victory over the Phantom Republican, the former World Champion, that would immediately boost them right up there in the standings.”
JIVE: “And it would greatly improve their chances of winning the BattleBRAWL.”
GHEORGHE: “John Doe now placing some boots right into the small of the back as MWG … MWG locks on the mandible claw! These two are really taking it to the former Champion!”
JIVE: “Wouldn’t you want to eliminate the most dangerous man in the ring first?”
GHEORGHE: “I think all three of them are equally dangerous .. there’s some serious firepower in that ring. John Doe now takes a few steps back … AND HE PLANTS A RUNNING BOOT RIGHT INTO THE HEAD OF MWG! MWG falls backwards and Doe flies over GOP’s body on top of MWG! Doe with a flurry of punches and MWG is trying to block his face!”
JIVE: “Doe is taking a chance early on by shifting his focus from GOP to MWG … but if he didn’t, you sure as hell know that MWG would have done the same to him, too.”
GHEORGHE: “John Doe quickly to his feet … MWG now scrambles to his .. and Doe with a left hook rocks MWG … Doe with an irish whip to the ropes … MWG comes back … BIG BELLY TO BELLY SUPLEX SENDS MWG FLYING THROUGH THE ROPES TO THE ARENA FLOOR!”
JIVE: “In the process, GOP rose to his feet, though!”
GHEORGHE: “Doe turns … AND PHANTOM REPUBLICAN WITH A HUGE CLOTHESLINE SENDS DOE OVER THE TOP TO THE ARENA FLOOR!”
JIVE: “You have to make sure to keep your eyes on both competitors.”
GHEORGHE: “Phantom Republican grabs onto the top rope … AND PLANCHAS OVER ONTO BOTH MEN AS THEY GET TO THEIR FEET!! All three men are on the arena floor now!”
JIVE: “You can already tell that this is going to be a knock-down, drag out fight!”
GHEORGHE: “GOP up .. and he grabs John Doe by the hair … AND SENDS HIM FLYING INTO THE GUARDRAIL! And now Jonathan Marx is warning GOP about pulling the hair!”
JIVE: “He is being an impartial referee, Gheorghe.. I’m sure he would have warned MWG about that, too.”
GHEORGHE: “Yes, but what about John Doe?”
JIVE: “What about him?”
GHEORGHE: “I don’t think that he would have warned Doe …”
JIVE: “Then you must have a very low opinion about our World Champion!”
GHEORGHE: “GOP now picks up MWG … but MWG rakes the eyes. MWG hooks the body .. Russian legsweep right onto the arena floor! MWG grabs the body of GOP and rolls him into the ring … and MWG now up onto the apron and goes to climb into the ring .. BUT DOE HAS A HOLD OF HIS LEG! And MWG kicks him away right back into the guardrail!”
JIVE: “Doe’s spending more time seeing the guardrail than he is seeing action inside the ring.”
GHEORGHE: “MWG gets back into the ring and grabs the head of the former World Champion … DISAPPEAR HERE DD… NO! GOP blocked it! GOP with a shot to the gut .. and another .. and now GOP is rocking MWG back with some fists!”
JIVE: “And Marx steps in and warns him about closed fists! He said he’ll disqualify him!”
GHEORGHE: “GOP gets in the face of the current World Champion … and gives him an earful .. AND DOE SNEAKS IN THE RING … DOE STALKING THE FORMER CHAMP …. BUT GOP DUCKS THE CLOTHESLINE ATTEMPT FROM BEHIND … And Doe puts on the brakes so he doesn’t hit Marx!”
JIVE: “That would have been a messy situation .. a ref bump with all those people on the outside…”
GHEORGHE: “Doe points to his head and smiles at Doe … Doe turns … BUT MWG GRABS HIM! MWG WITH A DOUBLE UNDERHOOK SUPLEX! ONE ….. TWO …. KICKOUT!”
JIVE: “Look at that! Marx with a normal pinfall count … I guess he’s taking the high road tonight, Gheorghe!”
GHEORGHE: “Marx signaling it was just a two count .. MWG gets to his feet .. AND MOVES OUT OF THE WAY OF A GOP DROPKICK! GOP holds his stomach as he gets up .. AND MWG WITH A DROPKICK OF HIS OWN SENDS GOP INTO THE CORNER! MWG runs in after him .. hops up … AND MONKEY FLIPS GOP OUT OF THE CORNER!”
JIVE: “MWG … is lightning quick .. apparently in more places than just the ring, if you catch my drift.”
GHEORGHE: “You better hope he doesn’t hear that comment .. or else you never know if he’ll try and prove to you personally that he’s not lightning quick.”
JIVE: “…”
GHEORGHE: “MWG back to his feet and he grabs GOP again … But GOP with a knee to the lower .. and I mean LOWER abdomen ..”
JIVE: “And Marx has gotten right up in his face about the low blow … and tells him that if he sees it again he’ll disqualify GOP!”
GHEORGHE: “Jonathan Marx not taking anything too lightly … and I’m glad to see that he’s calling this match right down the middle.”
JIVE: “It’s the honorable thing to do!”
GHEORGHE: “Doe hooks the back of GOP … but Phantom Republican with a back elbow stops that … GOP spins around .. drop toe hold brings Doe to the mat … he floats over the back of him and locks on a side headlock. MWG bounces against the far ropes … comes back .. AND GRABS THE HEAD BULLDOGGING GOP TO THE MAT! MWG now ramming those fists into the head of GOP … AND DOE WITH A DROPKICK TO THE BACK OF THE HEAD OF MWG!”
JIVE: “These three men are not letting the others get any sort of momentum in this match … keeping it very open for anyone to pick up the first elimination.”
GHEORGHE: “Doe picks MWG up by the hair … AND PINS HIM WITH A SMALL PACKAGE! ONE ….. TWO ….. KICKOUT!”
JIVE: “Doe was trying to sneak one by MWG .. but he was going to have no part of it.”
GHEORGHE: “GOP is back up and he grabs Doe from behind … he sends him into the ropes … Doe comes back .. AND GOP LOCKS ON A SLEEPER HOLD! OH NO!”
JIVE: “Doe with a mule kick .. and he kicked GOP right in the party jewels!”
GHEORGHE: “GOP turns … and TURNS RIGHT INTO AN MWG KICK TO THE PARTY JEWELS!”
JIVE: “Look at Marx! He has turned his attention to his referee shirt! He’s not even looking!”
GHEORGHE: “GOP turns in pain .. AND DOE WITH ANOTHER KICK DOWN BELOW! GOP FALLS TO THE MAT IN PAIN!”
JIVE: “I guess that’s it for Marx’s calling it down the middle, huh?”
GHEORGHE: “Doe now fighting it out with MWG again … MWG with a thumb to the eye stops Doe in his tracks. MWG against the ropes … running knee smash to the abdomen! MWG hooks the waist .. AND TAKES HIM OVER WITH A GUTWRENCH SUPLEX!”
JIVE: “Out of the three in there, MWG has been the most consistent so far.”
GHEORGHE: “MWG covers Doe .. ONE …. TWO …. KICKOUT. MWG has been the most consistent .. I’ll give you that. MWG back to his feet … AND GOP COMES OUT OF NOWHERE WITH THE FLYING FOREARM! MWG is down! The Phantom Republican, seemingly recovered from the series of low blows earlier, now picks up John Doe … he hooks the arm …DOUBLE ARM DDT! The Phantom Republican covers Doe … Marx down on the mat … ONE ……. …… …. TW—KICKOUT. That was one of the SLOWEST counts I have ever seen!”
JIVE: “And GOP is getting right in Marx’s face about it, too!”
GHEORGHE: “Jonathan Marx not backing down one bit .. AND DOE ROLLS UP GOP FROM BEHIND! ONE! TWO! THREE! NOOOO! GOP kicked out!”
JIVE: “Jonathan Marx with a quick trigger on GOP … and GOP was about a nanosecond away from being eliminated. That’s why you don’t get on the bad side of a referee!”
GHEORGHE: “John Doe kips up … and GOP gets to his feet, too … AND HE TAKES DOE DOWN WITH A VICIOUS CLOTHESLINE! GOP grabs MWG … he hooks the trunks .. UNILATERAL STRIKE! That forward falling suplex slams MWG’s face right into the mat.”
JIVE: “GOP is trying to get into a rhythm … Marx has been trying his best to throw him off.”
GHEORGHE: “GOP grabs John Doe now as he gets to his feet .. irish whip into the corner .. Doe comes out as GOP bounces off the far ropes … DEFICIT RUNNER! GOP with the cover … ONE ……… …… TW—But Doe kicks out!”
JIVE: “ANOTHER slow count by Marx .. and this time GOP just shoots him a glare.”
GHEORGHE: “GOP grabs MWG … he tosses him into the corner … GOP follows him in .. rake of the eyes gets the ire of Marx … and now GOP placing MWG on the top rope …. He climbs up with him … AND A BIG SUPERPLEX BY THE FORMER WORLD CHAMPION!”
JIVE: “GOP didn’t even bother covering him that time.”
GHEORGHE: “Phantom Republican heading back to the ropes .. he climbs to the top rope ….. AND COMES OFF WITH THE HIGH-ARCHING MOONSAULT LANDING RIGHT ON MWG!”
JIVE: “It looks like Marx’s attempts to frustrate Phantom Republican are wearing off .. because GOP has totally taken control of the match.”
GHEORGHE: “GOP back on his feet … he grabs the rising Doe … BUT DOE WITH A LOW BLOW! GOP doubled over … Doe grabs the waist … AND PILEDRIVES THE FORMER WORLD CHAMPION INTO THE MAT! John Doe just put a stop to the momentum that GOP had.”
JIVE: “And you know deep inside Jonathan Marx is praising the hell out of him.”
GHEORGHE: “Doe grabs GOP …. Spins him around .. GERMAN SUPLEX! Doe rolls out of it with GOP still in his grip … and A SECOND GERMAN SUPLEX! Doe rolls through again … AND THERE’s the THIRD german suplex! Doe makes the cover … ONE! TWO! THREE! NOOOO! GOP got the shoulder up before the three.”
JIVE: “Besides GOP almost being eliminated twice … none of these men look to be slowing down, Gheorghe .. and we’re well into this match!”
GHEORGHE: “The only reason GOP was almost eliminated is because our World Champion is misusing his powers as special guest referee!”
JIVE: “Cry me a river.”
GHEORGHE: “You can sure bet that those two are going to have a hell of a match as they face each other with the World title on the line at BattleBRAWL 2… John Doe brings GOP to his feet and grabs the head of MWG as well … and he knocks their heads together …. Doe against the ropes .. and he GOES FOR A DOUBLE CLOTHESLINE! He NAILS GOP .. BUT MWG DUCKS! Doe turns around … kick to the gut .. GLAMOURAMA!!! ONE …… TWO ….. THR—KICKOUT!”
JIVE: “See! Marx is a legit referee.”
GHEORGHE: “When it comes to MWG .. but when it comes to Phantom Republican he’s as crooked as John Wayne Bobbit!”
JIVE: “That’s just disgusting, Gheorghe.”
GHEORGHE: “MWG up on his feet and he picks … no! GOP locks the waist … BRIDGING GERMAN SUPLEX…”
JIVE: “But Marx doesn’t make the count .. and instead is checking on Doe!”
GHEORGHE: “MWG finally kicks out and GOP slams the mat in frustration.”
JIVE: “Marx had to make sure that John Doe was still able to compete.”
GHEORGHE: “Like hell he did. GOP gets to his feet and spins Jonathan Marx around … AND MARX GETS RIGHT IN HIS FACE! Marx is threatening to disqualify GOP for placing his hands on the referee!”
JIVE: “That wasn’t a smart move.”
GHEORGHE: “GOP pointing right in the face of the World Champion … AND MWG FROM BEHIND WITH A ROLL UP! ONE! TWO! THREE! HE GOT HIM!”
JIVE: “NO HE DIDN’T!”
GHEORGHE: “My God! Somehow GOP kicked out before Marx’s lightning fast count hit three!”
JIVE: “In the meantime .. John Doe has perched himself on the top rope … and he’s waiting for someone to get to their feet!”
GHEORGHE: “DOE IS WAITING … AND GOP IS UP FIRST! GOP TURNS … DOE FLIES OFF WITH THE CROSS BODY!”
JIVE: “BUT GOP CAUGHT HIM! GOP CAUGHT HIM IN MID AIR!”
JACOBS: “There are FIVE MINUTES remaining in the match!”
JIVE: “FIVE MINUTES! AND NO ONE HAS BEEN ELIMINATED YET!”
GHEORGHE: “GOP re-arranges Doe … TRICKLE DOWN THUGANOMICS! Those alternating shoulder breakers hitting their mark! GOP now drops down to cover Doe and looks at Marx … Marx with a smirk as he slowly starts to get to his knees.. and GOP just gets up and heads over to MWG!”
JIVE: “GOP is going to need five minutes to pin one man with the way Marx is counting his attempts..”
GHEORGHE: “MWG with a kick to the midsection of the Phantom Republican … and MWG takes him up and down with a snap powerbomb! MWG grabs the legs of GOP .. AND DROPS HIS HEAD DOWN IN THE CROTCH OF THE FORMER WORLD CHAMP! AND HE’s VERY SLOW TO REMOVE IT!”
JIVE: “Is there a wet spot on GOP’s crotch?!”
GHEORGHE: “There is NOT. MWG grabs the legs of GOP .. and HE DROPS DOWN AGAIN! That’s TWO low blows right in front of Marx .. .and Marx does nothing to scold him.”
JIVE: “Maybe he had something in his eyes.”
GHEORGHE: “GOP rolls on his stomach in pain .. and MWG APPLIES A BOSTON CRAB! Marx gets ready to call for the bell!! BUT GOP POWERS OUT OF IT!”
JIVE: “Thank God for that .. I think that Marx would have called for the bell even if GOP was smiling and shooting the shit!”
GHEORGHE: “MWG drops the elbow on the lower back of GOP … and he kicks him in the head for good measure!”
JIVE: “Someone has got to make a move here .. there’s less than five minutes remaining and all three men are still here.”
GHEORGHE: “MWG over to John Doe now … he grabs Doe … AND PLANTS A WET ONE RIGHT ON HIS LIPS! MWG HOLDING DOE IN POSITION AND DOE IS FLAILING HIS ARMS AROUND!”
JIVE: “It’s about time MWG got some action!”
GHEORGHE: “MWG releases and Doe goes for a right hook … but MWG ducks! MWG with an atomic drop … AND HE CLOTHESLINES JOHN DOE OUT OF THE RING!”
JIVE: “Doe landed face first on the arena floor… but Marx doesn’t even bother counting him out!”
GHEORGHE: “MWG turns … AND GOP IS RIGHT THERE! GOP WITH A KICK TO THE MIDSECTION! DDT! The Phantom Republican grabs MWG … and he sends him into the corner … AND CHARGES IN AFTER HIM WITH A HUGE SPLASH! GOP whips MWG into the opposite corner … AND SPLASHES HIM THERE, TOO!”
JIVE: “The Phantom Republican feels the time crunch .. and he knows he’s gotta get rid of someone fast!”
GHEORGHE: “GOP with the legs of the downed MWG …… AND HE CATAPULTS HIM INTO THE CORNER! MWG hits the turnbuckle and stumbles back …. GOP spins him around … kick to the gut …… MOAB! MOAB! GOP HITS IT!”
JIVE: “MWG is going .. going .. gone.”
GHEORGHE: “GOP with the cover …. ONE ……… ……… TWO ………. ……. …….”
(SFX: Bell rings.)
GHEORGHE: “MWG IS ELIMINATED!”
JIVE: “Are you sure?!”
JACOBS: “Ladies and gentlemen …. The TIME LIMIT HAS EXPIRED! Therefore … this match … IS A TIME LIMIT DRAW!”
GHEORGHE: “ALL THREE MEN LASTED THIRTY MINUTES!”
JIVE: “GOP could have eliminated MWG at the end …. But Jonathan Marx wouldn’t allow it to happen!”
GHEORGHE: “GOP IS UP … AND HE GOES RIGHT AFTER JONATHAN MARX!!! BOTH MEN ARE EXCHANGING PUNCHES …..”
JIVE: “AND NOW EVERYONE IS POURING INTO THE RING!”
GHEORGHE: “Brandon Jacobs! Jeffords! Carlee Marx! Even Krist Blue is getting in the ring … AND SHE IS TRYING TO RIP THE CLOTHES OFF CARLEE MARX! MARX AND GOP GO TO THE MAT! IT’s OUT OF CONTROL!”
JIVE: “Here come the officials!”
GHEORGHE: “The officials start to run into the ring to break this up .. BUT GOP AND MARX CONTINUE TO FIGHT IN THE RING! LADIES AND GENTLEMEN .. WE ARE OUT OF TIME!!! JOIN US FOR New ERA OF WRESTLING’s NEXT PAY PER VIEW … BATTLEBRAWL 2!!!!”
(FADEOUT: As the camera pans back showing a sea of white shirts … with Jonathan Marx and The Phantom Republican rolling over each getting some blows in on the other’s head!)
