LINKS: “The following match is a special MICHAEL JACKSON TRIBUTE match and is for the New ERA PRODIGY© CLASSIC XTREME CHAMPIONSHIP!!”
(CUEUP: “Bad” by Michael Jackson. All of a sudden six midgets wearing Abercombie kids gear come running down the rampway.)
JULIUS: “Oh god….”
NEWMAN: “Here are the …. Kids….”
JULIUS: “What the hell?!”
(All of a sudden, crawling from beneath the ring out from the apron, come three Michael Jackson impersonators… one from each stage of his life; an Afro wearing Jackson 5 … a Thriller-esque impersonator, and a circa 2009 Jackson impersonator. They all get to their feet, grab their crotch and look at the “children.”)
JULIUS: “Can you do this match on your own please???”
NEWMAN: “No way, no how.”
(Hopping over the guardrail are two men dressed in three piece suits holding briefcases…)
LINKS: “Introducing first….. the challenger….. hailing from Chicago, Illinois……”
(CUEUP: “N.W.O.” by Ministry… King Krusher steps through the curtains to the pop of the crowd.)
LINKS: “He stands six foot four and weighs 274 pounds…… KING ……………. KRUSHER!”
NEWMAN: “Krusher looks absolutely appalled by the scene outside the ring as all three groups are looking at each other …. He steps into the ring and shakes his head.”
JULIUS: “I hope this is all part of Payne’s grand scheme to throw Krusher off his game…. Or else he needs to get checked into a mental hospital.”
LINKS: “And his opponent… hailing from Payneville, Kentucky…..”
(CUEUP: “Dogs of War” by Pink Floyd. The pyro on the stage comes off as intense machine gun fire … and ends with an explosion of fireworks over the middle of the ramp. Payne steps through the curtain, the P©X championship belt on his shoulder, and smiles as he walks to the ring.)
LINKS: “He stands six foot four and weighs 275 pounds….. he is the current New ERA PRODIGY© Classic Xtreme champion …… “THE DOG OF WAR” ….. JASON …. PAYNE!”
NEWMAN: “Payne nods at the midgets as he passes them… and he gets into the ring…”
JULIUS: “And now he’s pointing up at the ….. Jesus Juice…. And now at Krusher…”
(SFX: Bell rings.)
JULIUS: “Please wrap the blindfold over your eyes … the match is beginning.”
NEWMAN: “AND THEY’RE OFF! The three Michael Jackson impersonators have just made a B-line towards the midg… err … kids ….. and King Krusher staring in disgust…”
JULIUS: “Took his eyes off Payne!”
NEWMAN: “AND JASON PAYNE CLOBBERS KRUSHER WITH THE P©X BELT! Krusher on the mat!”
JULIUS: “Payne just tossed the belt to the side … and the ring attendant, dodging lawyers, grabs it.”
NEWMAN: “Payne standing over Krusher …. And he pops him in the back with the knee… The champion steps away… and PUNTS Krusher’s skull all the way to Auburn.”
JULIUS: “Payne getting the advantage early… which in these kinds of matches is very important….”
NEWMAN: “Well, Krusher is a rugged veteran of the ring … so if anything, he won’t be down for too long.”
JULIUS: “Krusher’s in his forties… he’ll be lucky if he can even make it back to his feet before the end of the decade.”
NEWMAN: “Krusher showed the wrestling world that he was back with a vengeance …. and now he’s in a championship match for the PRODIGY© Classic Xtreme belt!”
JULIUS: “Who he blew to get the shot is the question, though.”
NEWMAN: “Jason Payne grabbing Krusher and bringing him to his feet. Payne now with an elbow right between the eyes …. And he whips him into the corner!”
JULIUS: “Krusher hit the turnbuckle pad chest first… here’s hoping that the osteoporosis medicine he’s on works…”
NEWMAN: “Meanwhile, on the outside … two of the Michael Jackson impersonators have cornered one of the …. Minors….. but here’s a lawyer to pull him away!”
JULIUS: “Oh God, can we just not call any of that…”
NEWMAN: “Krusher still in the corner …. And here comes the Dog of War! Payne grabbing Krusher from behind … and he spins him around… and now driving those forearms into the head! Krusher reeling ... but wait! He’s fighting back!”
JULIUS: “Who knew Viagra also helped in the ring!”
NEWMAN: “Krusher is going to kick your ass after the match, you know this, right?”
JULIUS: “He lays one finger on me and I got two lawyers within earshot!”
NEWMAN: “King Krusher grabbing the head of Payne… and he headbutts him! Payne takes a step back … and Krusher with a kick to the thigh! Jason Payne grabbing on to it … and Krusher clocks him with a big boot to the head! Payne down to the mat!”
JULIUS: “Jesus Christ…. One of those impersonators is running around with his hand on his crotch just yelping like a mad man!”
NEWMAN: “Focus, Dean.”
JULIUS: “I can’t! I can’t!!”
NEWMAN: “Krusher reaching down and grabbing Payne … but Jason Payne with a thumb to the eye! Krusher blinded …. And Payne on his knees… Jason Payne with a shot to the gut …. AND HE TAKES HIM OVER WITH THE FIREMAN’s CARRY! Payne now straddling King Krusher and wailing away!”
JULIUS: “Must… focus … on … match … ignore …. Midgets …humping … on … ringsteps…”
NEWMAN: “Payne rolls off Krusher… and he’s heading to the corner!”
JULIUS: “What? Did Payne suddenly become a luchador or something?”
NEWMAN: “No, Dean… it looks like he’s trying to take off the turnbuckle pad!”
JULIUS: “I was about to say… FMLL might be hard up for talent, but the Dog of War?”
NEWMAN: “Jason Payne trying to get the pad off …. And he doesn’t see King Krusher on his feet! Krusher charges in … and NAILS the clothesline to the back of the head! Krusher now grabbing Payne …. Scoops him …. And runs out of the corner hitting the running powerslam!”
JULIUS: “This is a fucking trainwreck. King Krusher is in control … there are midgets practically dry humping on the ringsteps as a Michael Jackson impersonator touches himself inappropriately …. While the other two are crawling under the ring after some of the other midgets who tried to escape under there..”
NEWMAN: “Krusher rolling to the outside! He grabs onto the legs of the champion… and drags him out there, too!”
JULIUS: “Here we go..”
NEWMAN: “Krusher wrapping his arms around Payne…. And drives him back first into the ring apron….. and now Krusher with some punches right into the side of the head of the champion!”
JULIUS: “He almost knocked that moonwalking impersonator in the face when he reached back…”
NEWMAN: “Can’t say I’d be too sad about that.”
JULIUS: “What the ….”
NEWMAN: “Oh my! One of the midgets just crawled from under the ring … and through the legs of Krusher! There’s another! Krusher in shock….”
JULIUS: “OH GOD.”
NEWMAN: “AND NOW A MICHAEL JACKSON IMPERSONATOR CRAWLS THROUGH THE LEGS OF KRUSHER!”
JULIUS: “Krusher …”
NEWMAN: “Jason Payne with a shove …. And Krusher falls over the impersonator! King Krusher trying to get back to his feet … but Payne with a knee lift sends Krusher into the guardrail! Jason Payne now looking underneath the ring…”
JULIUS: “Is he looking for an impersonator? A Midget? A Lawyer?”
NEWMAN: “A TABLE!”
JULIUS: “Oh.”
NEWMAN: “Payne pulling the table out from underneath the ring …. BUT KRUSHER STOPS HIM! King Krusher grabbing Payne … spinning him around ….”
(SFX: Crowd pops!)
NEWMAN: “BELLY TO BELLY SUPLEX ….. INTO THE GUARDRAIL!”
JULIUS: “And Payne slides down the guardrail head first!”
NEWMAN: “King Krusher not fooling around here tonight … and now HE is setting up the table!”
JULIUS: “He’s got the legs stabilized…. And he’s going after Payne!”
NEWMAN: “Krusher brings Payne up…. And places him on the table! Now KRUSHER IS GOING UP ON THE TABLE!”
JULIUS: “That’s the highest off the ground Krusher’s been in 20 years!”
NEWMAN: “Krusher bringing Payne up… and he places the head in between his legs……. NOOOOOOOO!!!! PAYNE WITH A BACK BODY DROP AND KRUSHER GOES CRASHING TO THE ARENA FLOOR!”
JULIUS: “He almost ‘krushed’ one of the midgets!”
NEWMAN: “Jason Payne now steadying himself…. AND HE FLIES OFF THE TABLE AND PLANTS THE ELBOW INTO THE FACE OF KING KRUSHER!”
JULIUS: “That midget is still standing there …. OH … MY … GOD!”
NEWMAN: “I think that … kid …. Just had a little accident!”
JULIUS: “HE PISSED HIS PANTS!”
NEWMAN: “The midget now turns and runs up the rampway…. He’s out of here….”
JULIUS: “HAHAHAHA… HE PISSED HIS PANTS!”
NEWMAN: “Jason Payne getting to his feet … AND HE FALLS ON HIS ASS!”
JULIUS: “OH MY GOD I LOVE IT! Payne slipped in the midget’s piss!”
NEWMAN: “Payne looks horrified!”
(Julius cannot speak, breaking out into hysterical laughter.)
NEWMAN: “Jason Payne …. Still in disbelief as he stands up ….. AND KING KRUSHER IS UP!! KRUSHER FROM BEHIND …..”
(Julius EXPLODES in laughter…)
NEWMAN: “OH MY…”
JULIUS: “I ….. CAN’T ….. BREATHE ……..”
NEWMAN: “Krusher with the bulldog…………. Slamming Payne’s face right into…. Well… the wet floor.”
JULIUS: “BAHAHAHHAHAHAH.”
NEWMAN: “And apparently Dean has lost his marbles…. Krusher now looking around ….. and I think he realizes something is off…”
JULIUS: “Oh God… wooo…”
NEWMAN: “Welcome back.”
JULIUS: “Almost there…”
NEWMAN: “Krusher now bringing Payne to his feet… and the Dog of War looks ready to vomit..”
JULIUS: “And I’m going again…”
NEWMAN: “Krusher now with a fistful of tights… and he tosses Payne into the ring… and Krusher now underneath the ring …. AND HE PULLS OUT A LADDER!”
JULIUS: “Krusher getting serious..”
NEWMAN: “King Krusher pushes the ladder into the ring … Jason Payne sitting up and looking ill…”
JULIUS: “This match has turned out much better than I could ever possibly have imagined…”
NEWMAN: “Krusher now …. DRIVING THE FRONT OF THE LADDER INTO PAYNE’s BACK! AND AGAIN! King Krusher lifts the ladder over his head … and tosses it onto the stomach of the PRODIGY© Classic Xtreme champion!”
JULIUS: “If Payne doesn’t gather his bearings… he could be getting a face full of Jesus Juice instead of …… a face full of Midget juice …….. …….. …….. …..”
(Julius breaks out into laughter again… we hear a slight chuckle in Natalie Newman’s voice..)
NEWMAN: “And now …. Krusher … ahem… Now Krusher picking up the ladder…. AND he opens it up! King Krusher is going after the Jesus Juice!”
JULIUS: “….”
NEWMAN: “Take a breath, Dean…”
(Julius begins to inhale and exhale.)
NEWMAN: “Meanwhile one of the Jackson impersonators has caught a hold of one of the midget’s jeans …. And he’s dragging him to the back!! But one of the lawyers steps in his way and won’t let him pass……. And the midget kicked him in the back of the leg and escapes!”
JULIUS: “Krusher is heading up the ladder!”
NEWMAN: “King Krusher making his way up the ladder…….. and Jason Payne sees him! Payne now lifting his legs ….. AND HE KICKS AT THE LADDER! Krusher swaying …. Swaying …. Payne with another kick … AND THE LADDER GOES TOPPLING OVER!! KRUSHER CRASHES INTO THE CORNER!”
JULIUS: “Krusher went face first into the top turnbuckle… and here comes the Dog of War!”
NEWMAN: “Jason Payne spinning Krusher around …. Payne with his back to the ropes……. AND HE SUPLEXES KRUSHER TO THE OUTSIDE!”
(SFX: CROWD POPS HUGE!!)
NEWMAN: “AND KRUSHER GOES CRASHING THROUGH THE TABLE!!!!”
JULIUS: “The old man is done for!”
NEWMAN: “Payne… Payne ignoring the ladder!! He’s going to the outside!”
JULIUS: “NO YOU IDIOT!! Get the Jesus Juice!!”
NEWMAN: “Jason Payne on the outside of the ring now … and he brings Krusher to his feet …… AND SENDS HIM FLYING INTO THE RING STEPS!”
JULIUS: “He’s making a huge mistake! You want to get up there … get the Juice .. and retain your title as quickly as possible…”
NEWMAN: “Jason Payne over to the ringsteps now …. OH NO!”
(SFX: Crowd groans..)
JULIUS: “…”
NEWMAN: “One of the midgets rounded the corner to get away from a Jackson impersonator… and ran headfirst right into Payne’s crotch!”
JULIUS: “Nutshotted… by a midget’s head………. …….. ….”
NEWMAN: “Payne has already caused himself a lot of unnecessary problems just by choosing the stipulations of this match it seems…”
JULIUS: “But by God it’s turned out great!”
NEWMAN: “Jason Payne using the ring apron to steady himself ….. and Krusher is moving!”
JULIUS: “How is that antique able to move?”
NEWMAN: “Krusher pushing himself up off the steps … and he sends a fist into the face of Jason Payne! Payne responds with one right back! Krusher! Payne! Krusher! Payne! They’re exchanging blow after blow!!”
JULIUS: “It’s got to end sometime!”
NEWMAN: “AND KRUSHER GETS THE UPPERHAND!! Fist after fist!”
(SFX: Crowd pops huge!!)
NEWMAN: “Krusher sends Payne to the arena floor! Jason Payne holding onto his jaw ….. and here comes a midget!”
JULIUS: “The midget hops off the ring steps…. And into the arms of King Krusher!”
NEWMAN: “Krusher catches him.. wait! Payne’s getting up!!”
(SFX: CROWD POPS HUGE!)
NEWMAN: “OH MY!!! KRUSHER JUST CATAPULTED THE MIDGET RIGHT INTO THE CHEST OF THE CHAMPION!! PAYNE’s DOWN!! THE MIDGETS DOWN!!!”
JULIUS: “Now Krusher’s going under the ring again!”
NEWMAN: “Krusher…. Krusher is pulling out …. A GOLD RECORD?”
JULIUS: “Well Jackson had plenty of them in his lifetime…”
NEWMAN: “Krusher raising it over his head…… AND SMASHES IT TO PIECES OVER THE SKULL OF JASON PAYNE!”
JULIUS: “It was a smash hit!”
NEWMAN: “Oh, Dean… come on now…”
JULIUS: “It was the best I could come up with in such little time…”
NEWMAN: “Krusher now going to the ring ….. and he’s got the ladder! KRUSHER IS SETTING THE LADDER UP!”
JULIUS: “COME ON PAYNE!! Don’t let this fossil get the Jesus Juice..”
NEWMAN: “Krusher has the ladder set up …. And he’s beginning the climb!”
JULIUS: “Payne is in the ring!! Out of nowhere!”
NEWMAN: “Jason Payne …. With pieces of that gold record still on his body …. He grabs Krusher from behind! King Krusher trying to kick Payne away… and he boots him in the face! Krusher with another boot ….. but Payne grabs the leg! JASON PAYNE IS HEADING UP THE SAME SIDE OF THE LADDER!”
JULIUS: “This is going to be ugly.. for both of them.”
NEWMAN: “Payne and Krusher exchanging blows…..”
(SFX: CROWD EXPLODES~!)
NEWMAN: “AND BOTH MEN SLAMMING EACH OTHER’s HEADS INTO THE LADDER …. AND IT TOPPLES OVER SENDING THEM TO THE MAT!”
JULIUS: “Payne landed on top of King Krusher… too bad this match can’t end by pinfall because he would have retained the championship!”
NEWMAN: “With the P©X championship on the line … and with the stipulations chosen by Payne … the only way this match will end is when one man feeds the other the Jesus Juice.. but so far neither has made it anywhere close to the glass case!”
JULIUS: “The lawyers now have cornered one of the Michael Jackson impersonators….. but he escapes underneath the ring!”
NEWMAN: “Jason Payne getting to his feet …. And he grabs onto the ladder….. Payne setting the ladder up across the second rope in the corner ….. and now he’s going after King Krusher..”
JULIUS: “Who knows what he’s got planned….”
NEWMAN: “Payne grabbing Krusher and … he brings him to the OUTSIDE!”
JULIUS: “They’re on the outside apron….. wait… now he’s putting Krusher on the top rope!”
NEWMAN: “I’m not quite sure what Payne’s got in mind … but he’s got Krusher up top … and now he’s there…………….”
(SFX: CROWD ORGASMS!!!)
CROWD: “BAD KICKS ASS! BAD KICKS ASS!”
NEWMAN: “OH MY GOD!!! PAYNE DDT’d KRUSHER FROM THE TOP ROPE ….. ONTO THE LADDER THAT WAS LAID OUT ACROSS THE SECOND ROPE!! KRUSHER’s HEAD IS STUCK IN THE RUNGS STILL!”
JULIUS: “His neck could be broken!”
NEWMAN: “AND NOW PAYNE …. PAYNE KICKS ONE OF THE SIDES OF THE LADDER OFF THE ROPES AND KRUSHER AND THE LADDER CRASH TO THE MAT!”
JULIUS: “Krusher is down…. He’s out…”
NEWMAN: “Jason Payne… Payne rolling Krusher off the ladder…. And now he brings it to the center of the ring!”
JULIUS: “The midgets are cornered! Two of the three Michael Jackson impersonators have them cornered on the outside… but the lawyers are on the way to save the day… again!”
NEWMAN: “Payne is setting up the ladder….. AND HE’s MAKING HIS WAY TO THE TOP!”
JULIUS: “He’s halfway there! Krusher hasn’t moved yet!”
NEWMAN: “JASON PAYNE HAS REACHED THE GLASS BOX!! HE’s OPENING IT!!!”
JULIUS: “Krusher is done!! Jason Payne is going to retain!”
NEWMAN: “AND JASON PAYNE HAS THE JESUS JUICE!!! All he has to do is feed it to Krusher and he retains!”
(“All my girls at the party …. Look at that body … shakin’ that thing … like I never did see … got a nice package alright, guess I’m gonna have to ride it tonight…”)
NEWMAN: “What the hell?!”
(CUEUP: “All For You” by Janet Jackson as the lights on the top of the rampway begin to strobe …. Stepping out from the curtains is a voluptuous woman wearing a skimpy leather suit…)
JULIUS: “HOT JESUS… It’s a Janet Jackson impersonator!”
NEWMAN: “OH GOD!”
(SFX: CROWD ORGASMS!!~!~!~!~!~!)
JULIUS: “Thank you Jesus!!! It’s a Janet Jackson impersonator ….. wardrobe malfunction and ALL!!!!!”
(CUTTO: The camera cuts to the Janet impersonator… she takes off the boobs and flashes her nipple rings. CUTTO: Inside the ring. Jason Payne stands atop the ladder, Jesus Juice in hand, fixated on Janet.)
NEWMAN: “Payne is in awe!! This is better than he could ever imagine…”
JULIUS: “What the …. The Michael Jackson impersonator just came out from underneath the ring and clocked one of the lawyers!!”
NEWMAN: “He takes his metal briefcase …. And slides into the ring!”
JULIUS: “NO!!! WATCH OUT PAYNE!!”
(SFX: CROWD POPS!!)
NEWMAN: “AND THAT MICHAEL JACKSON IMPERSONATOR JUST CRACKED THE METAL BRIEFCASE AGAINST THE BACK OF JASON PAYNE!! PAYNE JUST FELL OFF THE LADDER AND INTO THE ROPES!!”
JULIUS: “The Jesus Juice just fell to the mat!!”
(SFX: CROWD JEERS!!!!)
JULIUS: “Wait a minute …. That’s not the same impersonator!”
(CUTTO: The Michael Jackson impersonator… looking a bit .. more muscular… he takes off his wig and “nose…” the crowd jeers hardcore!)
JULIUS: “TREVOR CANE!!!! CANE SET PAYNE UP!!!!”
NEWMAN: “He’s going to cost him the PRODIGY© Classic Xtreme championship!!! Cane couldn’t win it himself …. So he’s going to cause the man who defeated Chaos to lose the belt!!”
JULIUS: “WAIT!!! Where’d the Janet impersonator go?!?!?! DON’T LEAVE!!!”
NEWMAN: “Cane slides out of the ring and tosses the briefcase to the arena floor…. And he’s heading up the rampway!! He came out to do a job and he did it!”
JULIUS: “Jason Payne is stuck in the ropes!! He can’t get out!”
(SFX: CROWD EXPLODES~~~~!!!)
NEWMAN: “KRUSHER!!! KING KRUSHER!!!! He’s getting to his feet!!!”
JULIUS: “NO!!! NO!!! It can’t end like this!!”
NEWMAN: “Krusher gathering himself…. And he sees Payne stuck in the ropes! ………….. AND NOW HE SEES THE JESUS JUICE!”
JULIUS: “God damn it!! No!”
NEWMAN: “King Krusher ….. walks over to the bottle and picks it up ……….. and now he turns to PAYNE!”
JULIUS: “Jason Payne screaming at Krusher …. He’s trying to kick at him to keep him at bay!”
NEWMAN: “Krusher…. KRUSHER WITH THE LADDER AND SLAMS THE TOP OF IT INTO THE SKULL OF JASON PAYNE!!! PAYNE’s OUT!! PAYNE’s OUT!!!”
(SFX: CROWD ORGASMS~~~!!!)
NEWMAN: “AND KRUSHER DID IT!! KRUSHER FED PAYNE THE JESUS JUICE!! WE HAVE A NEW P©X CHAMPION!!!!”
(SFX: Bell rings… CUEUP: “N.W.O.” by Ministry.)
LINKS: “The winner of this match …. And the NEW ….. New ERA PRODIGY© …. CLASSIC …… XTREME …. Champion…….. KING …….. KRUSHER!!!!”
JULIUS: “No! No! No! That’s not fair! Cane caused this!! The midgets caused this!! The lawyers! The damn lawyers and their metal briefcases caused this!”
NEWMAN: “King Krusher with the P©X championship belt…. And he lifts it high in the air for the fans in the arena to see …. What a match … and what a victory for Krusher! Congrats are in order for him .. he has been absolutely stellar since returning from his long hiatus!”
JULIUS: “God dammit … I need a drink.”
NEWMAN: “Ladies and gentlemen… we’ve got to take a commercial break… but when we return… the New ERA of Wrestling World Heavyweight championship unification match. Shawn Hart… Larry Tact….. TWO World Heavyweight champions coming into tonight … but who will walk out the SOLE champion?”
