~ Journal Entry #1 - Raziel’s Memoir ~

…let the fun and games begin…

My entire life, I have carried a burden. This burden has kept growing and growing, pushing down on my shoulders more and more as each hour, day, and year passes by. So many times my opponents have thrown similar insinuations towards me that were not entirely true…but made the burden I heft above my head so much more real to me. Their words do not bother me, for that is all they truly are. Words. Sticks and stones. Sticks and stones.

…she is spayed and broken in…

What those words do is merely cause me to dig deep within myself, to go through every single memory I had as a young child and while I grew into my young adulthood. To all that know me, none know anything about me before the age of nineteen. Not one person who has been apart of my life since my twentieth birthday can tell you where I was born…who my parents were…if I have or had any siblings. Most people don’t even know my entire real name. I do not complain about their lack of knowledge about my life. Why? Because they know what I want them to know. I alone carry this burden. None are to carry it for me or even lend a hand…

…skin is cold and white…

My memories are mine and mine alone. I do not share them because I see it fit not to, until now. As I sit here on this quite night in California, the taste of blood still strong in my mouth in the aftermath of Anarchy, I write in this journal with only one intention. Should this go exactly how it is planned, there will only be two people to ever read this. One being I…and two…being you…my unborn child. When you read this, you will be a young adult. You will have already lived out your youth to its fullest potential.

…such a lovely, lonely light…

This first page of the journal is only meant to explain to you one thing. That one thing is that no matter what you read in the following pages, you need to realize that everything you read is the past. While I begin to write these memoirs, I am on a personal path of retribution. I will not lie, many the things I have done and I continue to do to pay for my sins before the divine moment of your birth are not accepted by the outside world. They do not understand the kind of world I live in. A world filled with death, treachery, the supernatural, and basically anything of the macabre is what I have lived the better part of my years in. I do not wish this world upon you…but I write about it so that you will be aware of it…

…Heaven is on the way…

Also, I confess…I will be writing the events of my tumultuous life because I feel as if I can finally move on once I divulge everything I’ve been keeping inside of me for so long. You will get this feeling many times in your life. The feeling of dropping the weight off your shoulders. Once you open yourself up…things can only get better…hopefully…

…you could feel the hate…

I will begin my next entry with a quick run through of my childhood leading up until my thirteenth birthday. I have chosen not to go into much detail about my life before the age of thirteen mainly because I lived a normal life in those years. Nothing drastic had happened to me. I hope to all the Gods above that you live a normal childhood as well…but you are my child after all….

…but I guess you never will…

Whether I am alive or not when you read this, I want you to know that even now, when you are merely a growing fetus in your mother’s womb, I love you more than anything I have ever loved before. Until you came into my life, I believed I was incapable of love. I thought I felt it once in my mid-twenties…but I lost it and it became apparent to me that it is most likely a one shot deal. That was until you and your mother came into my life. I love her so much, kid…but my love has grown to its fullest extent with you inside of her.

…I’m on a roll again…

Like I said…I have dedicated the next month or so of my life to straightening out everything in my life before you are born. I am determined to be a good father. I want you to have the type of father that I never had.

…and I want an end…

In order to be that perfect father…I have to let go of all my troubles of the past, no matter how much the memories haunt me. I write these memories not to scare you, my child. I write it so you know who I am. Completely…

…cuz I feel you creepin’ in…

~ Twenty Miles from San Diego, CA ~

A light summer breeze blew a strand of my way too long platinum blonde hair out of my vision as I lifted the pencil from the parchment-like paper and studied the entry I had just scribbled down in the small leather-bound journal on my lap. The sun was on a fast course towards setting in the west, causing me to squint as I studied my writing in the quickly fading evening light. Satisfied that I had jotted down everything that I meant to, I slipped the pencil behind my ear and close my hand on the spine of the journal, shutting the book with a soft “snap” as I looked up at my surroundings. Though I sat beneath a tree in a long forgotten private cemetery, the scene depicted before me was quite uncommon for the typical graveyard. Early summer had been kind to Woodland Cemetery. The grass was not too long, due to my suspicion that a family member of one of the deceased resting here paid to have it mowed once or twice a month. Wild flowers bloomed around each grave stone and the trees surrounding the decent sized grove were green and filled with life, the calling of all different sorts of birds echoing from the branches beneath the green leaves. Since I was young, I had always had a soft spot for nature. It was something that I kept to myself, afraid that it would be looked upon as a weakness, but nevertheless…I always had time in my life to enjoy the environment.

As much as the beauty of the place lightened my heart, a sense of morbid and death still resonated from the graves. The feeling I got when I gazed at the granite stones depicting the names of the corpses which rested beneath them matched the feeling I had throughout most of my life. A sense that after death, there is nothing waiting for us.

Shaking the feeling of dread out of my bones, I reached to my left and pulled my shoulder bag towards me and opened the top flap, allowing me to shove the journal into the bag. As I did, I felt my cell phone begin to vibrate inside the bag. Startled, I regained composure and snatched the palm-sized Blackberry from the bag and stood up, slinging the bag over my shoulder before glancing at the name on the screen. Surprised by who it was, I raised an eyebrow out of habit and pressed the answer key before raising the phone to my ear.

“This is Jones,” I said formally.

There was a shuffling sound on the other side of the line and then a pause. Patient as I always was, I glanced up at the mountains and deducted that I had at least fifteen minutes to get back to my car before the cemetery was engulfed in darkness. As much as I enjoyed the place during the day…I had some awkward and scary experiences in this place after the sun went down.

“Whoa, I thought Justin Jones was dead,” the caller replied with a chuckle.

I grinned and descended the small hill which the tree I had taken refuge under stood atop. Reaching the bottom of the hill, I decided to waste a few more minutes to enjoy nature as I sat back down on the bottom of the hill and glanced at the two headstones which stuck out from the last line of tombstones before the hill.

“You may want to call a psychiatrist if you have a tendency to call dead people then, Jem,” I replied with a grin as a small crow atop the left of the two headstones caught my eye.

“I got Eve to take care of all of my mental issues,” the Universal Champion replied, his voice cracking a bit due to a poor reception.

“She must enjoy that tremendously,” I said, a little less humor in my voice as I narrowed my eyes, studying the black-feathered scavenger which seemed to just stare back at me.

“Oh yeah. She’s already sick of hearing me talk about you to her,” he replied.

“Me? Why are you talking about me…?” I questioned as the crow cocked its head and fluttered its wings a few times.

“Well man, you did leave me with a random conversation a week ago, and I don’t know if you’ve seen this week’s card…but we’re facing off one on one in the main event,” he said, his tone evidently serious.

“I wasn’t aware. That’s interesting…” I said, my attention straying from the phone conversation as another crow, this one slightly bigger than the first, landed on the headstone on the right.

“Dude? What’s wrong? You don’t sound very enthused about it,” Jem prodded, convincingly acting like a good friend, despite the fact that we were on two opposite sides of the fence when it came to XWF.

“No. I am, man. I just…I don’t know. I’ve been preoccupied with a few things in my personal life recently. It’s been hard to completely focus on XWF business,” I said, my eyes slowly going back and forth between the two crows, perplexed by their lack of movement and the sense of awareness in their beady black eyes.

“I know that feeling. I have to worry about being Universal Champion and being a husband and father at the same time. It takes a lot out of me…but I’m doing my best to keep all this shit balanced, ya know? It’s all about getting your priorities straight. Eve and my kid come first, and then XWF comes into play,” he informed, trying his best to relate to a situation I hadn’t even described to him.

“Yeah. I’m sure I’ll smooth everything out soon. It’s just stressful, man. I’ve got a lot of shit going down behind the scenes that I have to keep under wraps…”

“…like what?” Jem inquired.

I cursed at myself in my head for even saying that as I looked at my free hand and clenched and unclenched my fist. Jem mentioning his kid had got me thinking of my own, which now grew in Elly’s stomach as she rested at the estate. As much as I wanted to let Jem know that I was going to be a father and find out how he did it…I couldn’t let anyone know. Not yet at least…

“Nothing. It’s fine. So yeah…you and me…Anarchy…” I blurted out, trying to change the subject quickly.

“Yeah…it’s going to be sweet! As long as…” he began, his tone turning dark.

“Fuck, Jem! I told you that the Black Order won’t fuck with you unless you try to fuck up our mission. This is only a match between us. They won’t be there…” I said, slightly annoyed that he even had to ask.

“I believe you, friend. I just hope you understand where I’m coming from. We may be friends…but you are the leader of the darkest and most treacherous stable in XWF history…I feel like it is a given that I should be on my guard…” he said, defending himself.

“Yeah. We’re good. Look though, I have to get home…I’ll see you Thursday…” I said quickly as I simultaneously pulled the phone from my ear and hit the “hang up” key, effectively ending the call as I slipped the phone back into my bag and stood up.

My sudden movement caused the two crows to finally take flight and disappear into the tree at the top of the hill. After looking at the tree in the dimming sunlight for a moment, I turned back to the two headstones and read the name on one on the left.

CRYSTAL JONES

A pain shot through my heart as I read the name of my long deceased sister. Her life could have been filled with joy had she not gone down the path she did…it pained me even more to know that in my coming journal entries I would have to write about her. Fighting back tears, I looked to the headstone on the right.

VINCE JONES

My father...

I could barely remember a time when I loved my father. I knew that he was a good man before my mother had left us…but most of my memories of him consisted of him drunk off his mind. A burning hatred for the man burned in my stomach, replacing the feeling of dread I had for my sister. In the center of that fire, however, there rested a small pocket of longing. A longing for the love I once had for my father…the reason why I wanted to be a good father.

Although Jem was no longer on the phone, I turned my back to the headstones and took the path towards the main gates, my eyes on the horizon as I squeezed the strap of my bag tight and asked…

“What’s it like to be a Dad?”

~ Raziel’s Thoughts (Public) ~

So, a lot of you fans listening to me speak right now would like nothing more than to knock the teeth out of my mouth after what I did at the close of Anarchy last week. None of you liked me much to begin with, but after I physically attacked and taunted the fifty plus fans in the first few rows of the arena with an entire wall of a steel cage, I’m sure my fan count has dropped to the negatives. Let’s just get something straight before I go on to more important issues. I have never cared about how you, the fans, perceive me. Unlike most of the baby face heroes in the XWF, I do not wrestle for your entertainment. I wrestle because I am paid to, and not only that…but I enjoy bringing pain upon others. I always have…and I always will. Nonetheless, I will be the better man and apologize for my actions at the Anarchy prior. I admit it was not the sanest decision I have ever made to kick a cage onto the crowd. Despite how much stress the act alleviated after a very stressful night, it was not the right thing to do. Do what you will with this apology. All I’m going to say is that you should cherish it because it doesn’t come around often…

Now, everyone may be wondering why I’ve been so angry the last few weeks. Some people may still be shocked by my lack of emotion when I drove a steel chair into Cyren’s face during the King of Anarchy match two weeks ago, and then furthered the action to vice versa the said action and Introvertoring his face straight into the chair. Well, to be honest, I’m going to chalk it off to my “time of the month”. Men may not bleed from their Urethra like women bleed from their Vag…but men have periods too. I’m man enough to admit it. I have mood swings. I’ve been having them more often recently due to shit booking on management’s part and shitty performances by fellow stable mates. Look at Chasm for fuck’s sake. I bring this guy back from his long hiatus and give him a piece of the strongest entity in the XWF…and what does he do with it? He drops it on the floor and gets his face shoved into it by his opponent’s week in and week out. Chasm has dug such a deep hole it is just about fit to be his grave if he doesn’t get his act together. He is giving the Black Order a bad name…and if it continues…I will be forced to excavate his name from the Black Order with force.

Who else? Thomas Davis and Raboin did good last week, but they need to do just a little bit better if they want to battle the Hounds for the tag titles at Leap of Faith. Those fuckers defeated Cyren and I…well Cyren mostly…but I’ll get to that shortly. I’m seriously considering picking Mike and Tom to face T and K…but they need to do a little more to prove they can handle themselves in a title match.

To be honest, the only Black Order members under my wing that haven’t pulled out my feathers like greedy little bitches have been Rage and Lunatic. The Coalition of Carnage is the bright spot in our stable right now. They hold the gold. I have the World Title right now…but my name is not on the plate. Not yet. I will bring the third title to our ranks when I kill XWF’s Superman once and for all at Leap of Faith…that much is for sure.

This leaves our “king”, Cyren. He’s letting this “king” shit get to his head. He won a match that should have gone to me, and then he thought he was twenty years old again. T Money proved him wrong when he pinned him in the middle of that ring last week. Cyren…I love you…but there is a reason why I am now the leader of the Black Order. You are trying to cling on to your dying career. I never asked you to drop your position as the mouth piece of the stable and try to be the big dog. You can’t handle it right now man. I’m your friend…that’s why I’m being 100% honest with you. Hell…dude…every tag team match with you in it since the Black Order was revived has ended with a loss for us…you getting pinned or submitting each time. YOU are the reason I kicked down the cage wall last week. You are simply trying too much…and it is fucking everything up I’ve been working to accomplish. You need to sit back…enjoy your royalty…and follow my lead. It’s sad…but true. If you keep going trying to establish yourself as the power of the Black Order even though everyone knows I am the leading man, the Black Order may just become the next “Tribe” and be destroyed from within. I won’t let that happen, man. Get your act straight before I can’t save you any more.

Fortunately, this week I have been removed from the tag scene and put back into singles competition where I belong. Not only that, but it is with the opponent that I personally requested over a week ago. That’s right…I was crazy enough to actually request a match with the current Universal Champion, Jem fucking Williams! I’m one crazy mother fucker, right!? That may be the truth…but I wanted this match. I need this match. What better way to pull myself out of the funk that I am in than by defeating the current biggest dog the XWF can unleash!? This has been my purpose in the XWF since I can remember. Seek out the biggest and toughest guy in the business and get my ass kicked or kick the fucking shit out of him. Jem fits the bill perfectly.

Don’t get your head bigger than it already is though, friend. I admit that you are the top dog right now, and that you are pretty much unstoppable, but you know first hand that I have always known that you are NOT “Unkillable”. You are human, just like the rest of us. Better than most, definitely. Better than me? That remains to be seen. You said it perfectly yourself. Finally, us facing off one on one is “interested”…actually…it is “awesome”. We have never faced off in singles competition before. We have tagged and crushed the opposition and we have faced off in a countless amount of drinking contests…but this is different. This time we are not battling over who has the better liver. We’re not downing shots of Vodka, friend. We’re downing each other’s fists, knees, and feet. We are going to tear each other apart in that main event. We are going to steal the show, man…just like we were meant to all along…

But I can not allow myself to be extra fuel for your “momentum” going into Leap of Faith. This is truly about my pride, but it is also about my desire to be the best. I can survive losing a match to you…but what I aim to do is more than win or lose. I aim to win convincingly. You’re going to come at me full strength, Jem, and I am aware of that. You just need to know that I’m poised and ready to take you on, Champ. I’m not going to back down like every other weak fuck who has stepped into the ring with you.

It’s time for me to bring back an old ideal of mine, friend.

Thursday Night, my friend, “The Unkillable” Jem Williams will come face to face with a reborn visage of a current man.

The Main Event features not only “The Unkillable”…but also…

… “The Unbreakable” Raziel…