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There’s a place I go, when I’m alone, do anything I want, be anything I wanna be... 
Greetings, friends...and welcome to the story of Alex Shelley. You see, a good story starts with a recap. At least, that’s what I’ve been told. I could tell you everything Alex Shelley has done in the past couple of weeks, but let’s face it, it would be a short list. Beware, by the way... there’s a change of tense incoming. Right about...now! I hope you didn’t notice. Let’s continue. Alex Shelley’s life had most recently consisted of rehab (physical, not drug/alcohol), video games of all varieties, and spending time with family and friends. Which, I think we’ll all agree, is not really the kind of thing one wants to spend time recapping before a big match. So let’s try something...groundbreaking! Forget the past. Forget recapping every match Alex Shelley has had in the past month. You all know who the EBWF world champion is and who has already qualified for the Money in the Bank match. It would be a waste of my time to tell you. Let’s talk about... the future. And in the future, Alex Shelley becomes the EBWF world champion. Wait...wait...wait... you guessed it! It’s time for the cheesy pun: Bank on it.
The words hovered in the air, spoken over complete darkness. With the single flick of a button, the scene changed as Alex Shelley activated the night vision feature on his trusted Shelley-Cam. That was much better! We could see now. His handsome features were finally visible. He waved, his trademark smile and wink taking up most of the shot.
Alex Shelley: Boo! Hello EBWF Universe, EBWF World, EBWF Planet, EBWF Galaxy and here’s a double entendre coming your way...EBWF Stars! Sometimes...my wit amazes even myself. But that was a very long winded hello. Let’s jump right in, shall we? You haven’t seen me in a while, and I know that your hearts and loins have been burning for some Alex Shelley, so I thought I’d update all of you with a nice little video message. In the dark. ‘Cause that’s how the cool kids do it. Just ask my opponent, Kane. Alex pretended to shiver a little, waving his fingers creepily. Alex Shelley: Nah but for real. Welcome to casa de Shelley. This message today comes not from some kind of boiler room, or some graveyard that I have no explanation for being in. This is just my bedroom, cause, yeah...that’s where I live. He shrugged, making a face that conveyed something like “duh” with a slight eye roll. The handheld camera shook a little as Alex spun it around as he climbed off the bed. He stood up, stretching slightly and then spun the camera around.
Alex Shelley: Calm down ladies. That’s my bed. That is where my female companion and myself sleep very soundly, because guess what, Kane... you don’t give me nightmares. What am I, five? What kind of grown ass man sits around peeing his pants over some bald sadomasochistic freak... that they’re going to be forced to wrestle?
Alex seemed to dwell on his words, and for a moment he looked slightly uncomfortable.
Alex Shelley: Wow, on second thought...that sounds a LOT worse than I thought. I’m glad I decided to wear pants in this promo. I’d hate to...entice him. If my knowledge of modern film serves me correctly though, it’s not men without pants that cause Jacob Goodknight – I mean...Kane... to go on a rampage. It’s girls with religious tattoos. Hm. Okay, fruit-bat. And yes – I am one of the five people who rented that piece of crap. Please, along with the Money in the Bank briefcase, please reimburse me my five dollars and my wasted two hours. One thing you can count on though is this. If Alex Shelley ever masturbated in a cage for some kind of movie... It’d sell a lot more copies than See No Evil, and instead of shoving a cell phone down a girl’s throat...well... I’ll leave that to your imagination. I guess I should have told them to include that little “Viewer Discretion” stamp on this EBWF.net exclusive... Alex spun the camera back around to face himself.
Alex Shelley: But enough about Kane for the moment. Talking about him in my bedroom makes me a little uncomfortable. Maybe I should have done this in the boiler room... Alex shrugged. Alex Shelley: What I would like, is a little more time to talk about...myself! Sunday night at Sacrifice marks the return of Alex Shelley to the EBWF ring. Where’ve I been? Well it turns out my in ring offense is so off-the-hook-baddical that I am a danger to myself as well as others. I busted up my back a little bit, had to take it slow, but as some of you know very well, sometimes slow and steady can be just as satisfying as fast and hard. My career is a marathon, not a sprint. I got plenty of years left in the tank, and this handsome and talented athlete refuses to peak at 23. Alex tilted his head back, reminiscing.
Alex Shelley: Ah, 23...that was a good year. I dated a Playboy playmate, which was cool at the time, even if she did turn out to be a crazy stuck up bizatch... I uh, accidentally walked in on Wes Ikeda in the shower, and even if I personally didn’t enjoy it all that much, it’s a great story to tell my gay fan base. Gets me over huge with them. But the most important thing I did at 23 years old – including people – was this!
Alex spun the hand held camera again to reveal one of his most important possessions. In fact, even if this was the thing he was most proud of doing at the age of 23 (yes, including Carmella) – It was the most precious thing in his life that wasn’t a human being. It was his first, and only, EBWF World Championship, hanging proudly on the wall.
Alex Shelley: Boom! This is what the big prize is, right? This is why we all kick each other in the face and jump off cages, and ladders... this is money. In the bank, in the wallet, in the stripper’s cleavage... this belt is what it’s all about. I was on a quest for this when I suffered the little setback known as a bulging disc. A little over a month back, I was on the verge of becoming the King of the Ring. Bryan Danielson and I tore the house down. We blew the roof of that shiznit, and in the end, I admit that Danielson was the better man. Alex paused poignantly.
Alex Shelley: On that occasion. But that little baby took his neck ties and he ran away before he could give me my rightful rematch. Or... did he get fired? I really don’t remember, and I haven’t seen Nikki enough to get all the latest gossip. Call me babe – we need to catch up. Alex broke his serious demeanour for a moment to wink into the camera. Alex Shelley: You know...it’s been said that we just don’t notice the significant moments of our lives as they’re happening. In one moment, everything can change for us. One choice can change the course of our destinies, and most of the time we don’t even realize it. But that day, when I became THE top dog in the wrestling business.... I felt my life change. There aren’t many moments you can say that about. I’ve. Had one. And it’s like a burning sensation inside me that keeps fuelling me. I’m not gonna lie. Sometimes this is a tough gig. Long hours, not a lot of sleep, beaten up bodies, friends with drug habits, showering with Matt Morgan... Alex cringed.
Alex Shelley: But whenever I have a bad day, whenever I find myself questioning even for one moment if this is all worth it... I think about that day, and I know that it is. Who else in this match can say that, huh? What kind of inspiration do You have, Kane? The desire to hurt people? I can get you some good websites where you can hook up with other people who are into that same thing. Big Show... well... he’s just pretty much irrelevant, cause... Yeah. I don’t need to explain that one. And Matt Morgan... It seems like you’re more worried about Fed Ex parcels and God-parents and being a general stalkerific creep to be any kind of threat to me. Unless we’re counting a threat to my sanity. THAT you could accomplish. Did you really try to buy the EBWF World title for a dollar? That’s what I heard... You know, I really wish you weren’t in this match with me, because if I wasn’t gonna win this thing, I’d love to see you get a world title shot just to see how scrambled your brain would be when Orton punted you. Maybe for you, it’d actually turn you into a normal person. One can only dream, right?
Alex grinned. Alex Shelley: Put simply – none of you can stop me. I think whoever booked this match seriously had a sense of humor. Because it’s like Alex Shelley versus the three giant freaks! Here’s a tip. Nobody cares how big your boots are. Size 18. Size 2. Whatever. The fact remains that each of you has a size zero brain and about as much athletic ability as an overweight slug. Money in the Bank is a ladder match. Ya know, like the ones the Hardy Boyz and Edge and Christian used to have? Matches that showcase style, innovation.... um...excitement? Alex shrugged. Alex Shelley: Namely, things that you don’t possess, but I do. I didn’t come back to the EBWF to be some kind of joke who loses to Matt Morgan! I came to realize my true potential. And as successful as I’ve been in the past... I haven’t even tapped that yet! Which is why you need to forget about your crackling lightning and your tomb stones and your eating rats and gold fish for breakfast. Your scare tactics mean nothing. It’s me you should be afraid of. Not because I’m a monster, but because I AM the better man. Man. Not monster. You see – people talk about being a monster like it’s some kind of big deal...but Dracula, The Monster of Frankenstein, The 50 Foot Woman, King Kong... They all go down in the end. Because monsters are these for one thing. To remind us of the unrelenting power of the human spirit. That’s what I bring to the table, and that’s why I’m going to win. I’m Alex Shelley....this has been an EBWF.net exclusive broadcast, and please... don’t try this at home unless you’re wearing protection. Alex held the camera in one hand, shooting a finger gun into the camera with his free one and clicking his tongue before hitting the “power off” button. The scene faded. *****
The first ten, fifteen, or twenty minutes in a match are about who wants it. But the last 30 seconds...are about who wants it more. Alex couldn’t remember the last time he had wanted something so badly. Not since... Heh. There was no need to think it. The thought was so etched in his brain now that there was no need to exert any kind of effort to bring it forward. The Kansas Expocenter was mostly quiet. Of course there were the sounds of people talking, walking around, putting pieces of equipment together, but this was practically silence compared to the noise that Alex would compel his audience to make in the building later that night. He could practically already hear the walls shaking. The hairs on the backs of Alex’s defined arms were rising. Nerves were a part of wrestling. You didn't step through a curtain ready to put your body wholly in someone else’s hands without feeling a little bit apprehensive about it. The roar of the crowd and the pure electricity in the air often gave Alex goosebumps. But they weren’t here now. The arena felt more like a church than a sporting venue, and Alex found himself wondering just how much prayer went on here. He wasn’t an especially religious man. He’d never really thought about it much, but he found himself hoping that there was some kind of being out there to take care of him tonight. He wasn’t afraid. He was... eager. He wasn’t in his ring attire yet, but he was dressed in some workout gear. He wore a trusted old pair of Alex Shelley branded black and yellow Adidas track pants...a throwback to the days when he had a sponsorship deal with them. He hoped they still had a little magic left in them. He hopped onto the ring apron and in one fluid movement, vaulted the top rope. He bounced off the ropes a few times, feeling himself and the ring out. It still felt like home, and he grinned. Like riding a bike. He stopped in the center of the ring for a moment, looking around, taking it all in. It was like a rebirth. Like his first EBWF match all over again. The voice of his boss echoed in Alex’s mind.... Alex Shelley: Thank you for believing in me. It means a lot. Wes Ikeda: It’s easy to believe in something as great as you.
They had come so far since then. Alex felt that he had come a long way... as a man. Now it was his time to step forward, to step up, as a wrestler. He wondered how many times in history that the greats of the business... The Ric Flairs, the Hulk Hogans, The Shawn Michaels had just stood inside a wrestling ring like this, just contemplating. Just thinking. Somehow, he didn't think it was uncommon. Because in so many ways this was their church, and despite of the injuries that occurred inside the ring, this was also the place that they did their best healing. He wasn’t sure how long he’d been there. He leaned against the corner of the ring. It felt like it was Wrestlemania or something to him. He didn't even notice that he had company until he saw the camera flash from the corner of his eye. He didn't even turn his head before he grinned. He’d already sensed her.
Marley Jenkins-Martin: I should’ve known this was where you’d sneak off to. He turned, smiling at her. Alex Shelley: There was no sneaking involved. Just walking. Besides, it’s either stretch out here on a clean canvas, or stretch back there in the locker room and risk rolling in rat droppings. She laughed and scaled the steps, walking gracefully along the ring apron. Alex held the ropes apart for her, and she joined him inside.
Marley Jenkins-Martin: Sorry... am I intruding? Just say the word if you’d rather be alone. Alex Shelley: That’s nice, Mar. But I’m pretty fine with being alone with you, if it’s all the same. She gently rolled her eyes at him. He was a charmer.
Marley Jenkins-Martin: Thank you, handsome. She stepped towards him, slipping an arm around his waist. Marley Jenkins-Martin: Do I even need to ask what you’re thinking about? He grinned. Alex Shelley: Thinking about lighting this place up tonight. He chuckled. Alex Shelley: Besides I gotta think about whatever I can to get the image of Matt Morgan’s wife out of my head... Did you see that? Nicole Bass would’ve been envious of that bone structure. Marley laughed in spite of herself, playfully smacking him in the arm. Marley Jenkins-Martin: Alex! Don’t be mean. Marley shook her head, looking at him as though she were about to divulge a secret. Marley Jenkins-Martin: But yes, I did see it... and I think you should consider yourself lucky that...you know... you at least married better than he did. Alex inclined his head towards her, playfully smirking. Alex Shelley: Aw, babe...I’d compliment you, but seriously, being cuter than Larissa Morgan is not much of a stretch, but we can’t expect a lot from a guy whose face looks like it was carved from rotten wood by someone who only had a vague idea of what human features are supposed to look like. Marley stepped around him, exploring the ring a little herself. She examined the ropes and turnbuckles with her fingertips with a childlike fascination. She hadn’t been a wrestling fan until recently. Photography had brought her to it. She held her camera up, taking a shot of the empty arena through the lens. Alex had grown so used to her picture-taking over the year he had known her, that he didn't even notice it any more. He didn't pose for pictures anymore, because he knew that she liked to capture life just as it was, without it trying to be something else. She always said that the real person had the urge to disappear when you put a camera on them, and a performer appeared instead. Alex wondered if it were possible to be both. Real, and a performer, simultaneously. He hoped to find out tonight. Alex Shelley: Sorry. I guess I am kinda mean. But seriously, who enters body building and weight lifting competitions when they’re pregnant. This guy is just too good. He provides me with endless comedy. Marley couldn’t help but agree with him. She turned to face him again, leaning against the ropes. She realized that in all of her time taking pictures from outside the wrestling ring, she’d never been in one. She wondered if Alex had felt this strange the first time, too, or whether it had always came so naturally to him. She instinctively seemed to know that he was going to make her proud tonight. What he didn't know though was that she would be proud to him either way. Win or lose. Marley Jenkins-Martin: Speaking of things that make you smile... I’m sorry I’m not gonna be working tonight. You’re gonna look great when you win. Taut, sweaty, bulging in all the right places... Alex bit his lip, rolling his eyes slightly at her. Alex Shelley: I don’t look like that all the time? She scrunched her nose a little. Marley Jenkins-Martin: Heh, so-so. He nodded, rolling his eyes. Alex Shelley: We’ll see. She nodded, leaning forward to put her hands on his chest and step on her tip toes ever so slightly to reach his lips. She smiled, and so did he. Marley Jenkins-Martin: At least your hair looks better. She paused and her smile widened for a moment.
Marley Jenkins-Martin: Really though... I love this confident vibe we have going on, but are you okay? I mean... are you gonna be okay? Three giants in one ring... one little Alex Shelley... Alex Shelley: Heyyy! Marley Jenkins-Martin: Stop it! I’m being serious... I want you to have this, Patrick. I sort of feel like I’ve been holding you back from it long enough... I just want you to be sure that you’re ready for it.
Alex’s joking and mocking dissipated. He raised an eyebrow at her, leaning back into the corner of the ring with his arms still wrapped around his wife’s waist. She stood against his chest, just talking to him. Alex Shelley: MJ, what are you talking about? You haven’t held me back from anything. Marley hesitated, sighing softly and flicking back her hair from her eyes. Marley Jenkins-Martin: Stop. You know you can flash that handsome smile of yours and act like you don’t have a care in the world but I know that you struggle... Because every time things are about to pick up again for you career-wise, something put’s the breaks on. Whether it’s me, or Chris... Alex nodded, taking her words to heart. He gently put his hand on the back of her neck, twirling her hair in his fingers. He thought about all the dreams he’d had... If having life pan out the way you wanted it was the measure of success, then Alex was probably a failure. He hadn’t planned for any of this. He hadn’t planned on being married by now. He hadn’t even planned on being a singles wrestler. But he figured that maybe success wasn’t about that at all. Maybe it was about doing the best with the chips that life handed you. Playing another hand. Like the poet Kipling had said... If you can make one heap of all your winnings, And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss, And lose, and start again at your beginnings, And never breathe a word about your loss...you will be a man my son. This was all getting entirely too...Philosophical. He hoped she didn't keep going back to that... the feeling that he had somehow lost something by being with her. Alex Shelley: I didn't walk away for you, Marley. She raised an eyebrow. Marley Jenkins-Martin: No? She smiled beautifully at him. Marley Jenkins-Martin: I’m not sure whether to take that as a blow to my self confidence or not. Alex Shelley: Nah. Not at all. I did it for me. I needed that break, Mar. I needed to re-evaluate some stuff... And making our relationship work was for me too, ‘cause being with you makes me happy. He rolled his eyes, groaning slightly. Alex Shelley: Okay, that was cheesy. She nodded, laughing at him gently. Marley Jenkins-Martin: Was it the truth? Alex Shelley: Of course. She reached up to wrap her arms around his shoulders, hugging him. She stroked his newly trimmed hair, and planted a kiss on his jaw. Marley Jenkins-Martin: Then it’s enough. But I want you to have both, okay? Wrestling, and me. He grinned, securing his hands on her waist. Alex Shelley: That’s good. ‘Cause I plan on it. It was everything he had ever hoped to hear from her. He had been sure of himself before stepping into the empty ring, in the empty arena. He had felt hope. But he felt something more than that now. He felt purpose. And maybe it’s not my weekend, but it’s gonna be my year...and I’m so sick of watching all the minutes pass as I go nowhere.
This was his weekend. This was his year. And Alex Shelley was going somewhere. He would make sure of it. *****
Lights, Camera, Action. There were no tender moments here. This wasn’t Dawson’s Creek...or whatever teen dramas are cool nowadays. Is the OC still going? There was a reaaallly hot chick in that. I think she’s in House now. ANYWAY. The scene opened in typical fashion with Wrestler A accompanied by Interviewer B in front of EBWF Backdrop, C. Jeremy Borash was the announcer in question, and he was just about to ask the all important opening question when Alex spoke first. He held his finger to his lips. Alex Shelley: Sssshhh!, JB, don’t speak yet. You’re gonna ruin it. Borash looked both confused and on the spot. He spoke in a whisper, as if afraid of waking a baby. Jeremy Borash: Ruin what? Alex kept his finger on his lips, encouraging Borash to remain silent. Several tense seconds passed, before Alex finally waved his hands in front of Borash’s face and yelled. Alex Shelley: BOO! Borash jumped backwards almost dropping down the back drop. His heart was in his throat, and Alex almost doubled over laughing. Jeremy Borash: What the-- Alex calmed himself, taking a deep breath and standing upright. Alex Shelley: Okay, okay. I’m sorry. I just... couldn’t resist. Alex patted Borash on the shoulder. Alex Shelley: It’s been a while, JB. Jeremy Borash: Yes it has. Welcome back to us. Alex nodded, a big grin on his face. Alex Shelley: Good to be back. I’m pumped, and ready for action. Oh, and I’m ready to wrestle too. Borash chuckled at Alex’s joke and nodded. He always seemed to interview Alex as though they were old friends. They had a like/make fun of relationship. Jeremy Borash: He’s still got jokes, how ‘bout that, ladies and gentlemen? Alex, last time we saw you, you were taking a steel chair to the head from Cody Rhodes. Alex Shelley: Oh you mean “Dashing” Cody Rhodes. Yeah, JB, you gotta call him that every time AND, you have to use a different intonation. It’s like a rule or something. Borash nodded. Jeremy Borash: You learn something new every day. Alex Shelley with the inside scoop. Alex Shelley: No doubt. I got a fast track to the Ikedas, which is probably why I got such an easy route to Money in the Bank, right? I get Mr Potato Head, A deep-fried chicken leg, and a beached whale. Maaaaaan... why couldn’t I trade places with Jericho? How come he couldn’t get these clowns and I could fight Braveheart and the Human Milk Bottle? Jeremy Borash: Tough break. Alex shrugged. Alex Shelley: You get what you earn. If I’m gonna ever become a world champion one day, I’m gonna have to face tougher obstacles than Kane. Randy Orton ring any bells? Borash seemed to know exactly what Alex was talking about. Jeremy Borash: I think he rings everyone’s bells. Alex chuckled. Alex Shelley: No doubt. But who would you rather see face Randy Orton? Me... Cody Rhodes, a guy who in a different company would’ve been Orton’s bitch boy cause they both have famous daddies... Kane, who holds the prestigious record of shortest world title reign in WWE history. Alex threw up a thumbs up. Alex Shelley: Nice work, bro. Damn. Who else has qualified? Zack Ryder? CM Punk? Mr. Kennedy? The Long Island Douchebag, the Straight Edge loser or the guy who married a girl with a guy’s name. Pot. Meet Kettle. Bob Marley Ring any bells? Borash raised an eyebrow, but Shelley held up a hand. Alex Shelley: I know, bro, but I’m on a roll...bear with me. Actually – answer the question. Do you wanna see me fight Randy Orton for the world title or not? Borash hesitated. Jeremy Borash: Sure. Alex Shelley: Exactly. And the guy who doesn’t like any of his nicknames is going to be sitting up front not with a cold beer, but accompanied by his patented cold stare, providing his expert opinion on me and everything I do in this match. Hey Orton, they ever pay you to wrestle any more, or did you just join the divas in the eye candy category? Spelling optional by the way. |
