Don’t FUCK with me.

"OHHHHHMYGOD, IS THAT NOT THE GREATEST SHIT YOU’VE EVER SEEN IN YOUR LIFE!?"

Derek Hardaway and Charis Jacobs glance at their friend like he’s fucking weird (which he is). They sit uncomfortably in their seats towards back of the room, as the Cult Icon lies on his stomach on the rather large couch directly in front of his large, hi-def and fancy schmancy TV.

See, Shawn invited his partners over to his place for the special occasion of friend-bonding, being that they weren’t getting along as well as they have in the past, which isn’t well at all but dammit if it’ll be Shawn’s fault that this clique breaks up! At least he’s taking measures to get his team all on the same page.

It’s a shame that things had tainted CJ’s and Derek’s tastes so much, that they couldn’t even appreciate the classicosity of Macaulay Culkin’s cinematic masterpiece; ‘The Good Son.’ Apparently, they had a better idea for team-bonding that didn’t consist of a sleep-over and a Culkin-marathon.

"This is stupid." Derek remarks. "I was going to audition for this role, but even I saw how thin the plot was. And I was a child."

Shawn pauses the movie, just as Culkin is giving his evil stare-down to Elijah Wood as he descends from their elaborate tree-house. He throws a gigantic bowl of popcorn he had in front of him in a fit of anger, only he misses Derek and hits CJ in the head, who was in no way expecting getting a bowl of popcorn thrown at him.

"Ouch!" CJ screams upon impact, as he and Danny are now covered in popcorn.

"YOU DARE DEFILE THE LEGACY OF THE GOOD SON WITH YOUR BLASPHEMOUS LIES?!? THE CULKIN KNOWS YOU WERE AT THE AGE OF 15 YOU ANCIENT, SENILE FUCKHOLE! YOU WERE TOO OLD TO BE CONSIDERED FOR SUCH GOD-LIKE ROLES. NOW GO ROT IN YOUR COFFIN, DRACULA FACE. YOU LOOK DUE FOR YOUR MONTHLY ROUND OF BOTOX ABOUT NOW. ARE YOU FINISHED BITCHING SO I CAN CONTINUE WITH MY MOVIE, OR MUST I CONTINUE TO HOLD DOWN THE SHIFT KEY?!? HMM?! YOUR CHOUCE, OLD DOUCHEBAG."

Derek folds his arms. Well, he really folded his arms at ‘blasphemous lies’ but there’s not really much you can do in the midst of a SC rant. So he just says somewhat defensively, "You could have just told me to be quiet..."

Shawn turns back to unpause the movie, but now it’s CJ’s turn to bitch.

"Derek’s right; this is worse than you making us watch those TiVo’d American Idol result episodes!"

"CARRIE UNDERWOOD IS A SAINT, SLOPE, AND SO IS MACAULAY CULKIN!"

"Macaulay is a snot-nosed fallen star that has to make a living making fun of Michael Jackson on low-budget cartoons. HELLO, ROBOT CHICKEN?"

Shawn throws the DVD remote at CJ, but it hits Derek.

"Ow."

"Face it, SHAWN, the best thing Macaulay ever did was DIE. IN THIS MOVIE."

Whoa-hoa-hooo. CJ is obviously treading in shallow water here, so he’d better watch his step or he’d step in a land mine, or whatever analogy fits for this particular situation. SC is sitting on the edge of the couch, gripping the back end with the intentions to launch himself at Chris at any given moment. One more wrong word and Chris would probably get his face eaten. Literally.

"YOU THINK YOU’RE SO FUCKING SWEET?! YOU THINK YOU’RE SO FUCKING SMART AT MOVIES AND SHIT! YOU THINK YOU KNOW EVERYTHING? WELL FINE, YOU HALF AND HALF MATHEMATICIAN YOU, I BET YOU FIFTY MILLION DOLLARS THAT IF MACAULAY CULKIN SURVIVED IN THIS MOVIE, HE’D BE THE BIGGEST FUCKING THING SINCE IPODS AND THAT FUCKING HOBBIT WOULD BE DEAD, FACE- DOWN IN A RADIO FLYER! BECAUSE THAT MOVIE FUCKING SUCKED BALLS!"

There’s no way anyone could actually process the stupidity that SC just spewed, so CJ asks him to repeat himself.

"Are you fucking DEAF!?! I’m making a bet! That if Macaulay Culkin was saved at the end of ‘the Good Son,’ and Elijah Wood was left to die, that Macaulay Culkin would be the Hollywood bad ass he was destined to be, and stupid Huck Finn would be nothing but a dead-beat, Eric Roberts-asshole-licking mother fucker!"

Chris blinks for a second, soaking in what Shawn just said.

"This has to be the most idiotic wager I’ve ever heard."

"Ah, too chicken shit, I see?" SC yawns and begins to turn back to the TV. "I knew you couldn’t contest the will of the Mighty Culkin."

"Alright you cocky piece of shit, I’m in." Shawn turns back to CJ, who’s holding his hand out for a shake. "If we’re really carrying through with perhaps the stupidest bet in the history of humankind, we may as well shake on it."

Shawn spits on CJ’s face, missing his hand. He doesn’t notice, and shakes CJ’s hand. "DEAL!" he says, and then wipes his hand on CJ’s sleve.

"Jesus Christ," Derek sighs to himself, "Somehow, I think this is going to end up with Shawn being in EVEN MORE debt..."

While he un-pauses the movie, Shawn turns back to reassure Derek. "FEAR NOT, DH! All our money problems shall soon be solved, after Chris realizes HE MUST BOW TO MACAULAY."

Shawn stands from his seat, scratches his nut sack, then begins to leave the room. Of course, CJ and Derek wonder why the fuck he’d be leaving the room after making it so painstakingly clear that they HAVE to watch ‘the Good Son.’

"Where are you going?"

"Yeah, I don’t want to watch this shit, and neither does Chris." Derek reasons, "If the only person who DOES want to watch it is leaving the room, I’m going to turn this shit off-"

"RELAX, I’ve got to piss. I’ll be right back, and if any of you FUCKS decide to fuck with the Culkin one more time; there will be CONSEQUENCES! OF THE GONORRHEAC VARIETY."

Shawn storms past them and out of his living room, leaving the other two with a somewhat dumbfounded expression.

"What do you suppose that means?" Chrs asks.

"Knowing him; I bet it means the remote control is infected with gonorrhea and by touching it, so are we."

Chris ponders the consequences, then says aloud, "Wouldn’t be the first time." Deciding the fate isn’t as horrible as made out, CJ grabs the remote and changes it to E!

Meanwhile, Shawn has crept to the safe recesses of his bedroom in order to make a private phone call. The call only rings once until the other line happens picks up.

"Bitty! Hey, it’s me, CULT-ICONAH! .. SUP DAWG ..... Word, broski, ill shit and shit, bro... hey, I have a favor to ask you ..... Well do you remember that time you talked to me about your Platinum Time Machine? ..... No, I’m not talking about your Platinum moon-rover or your Platinum Cockatiel that likes to rob people; I NEED TO USE YOUR PLATINUM TIME MACHINE! ...... Usage fee? What the shit is that shit?! .. Fine, I’ll fucking pay it. How much? ..... FIFTY MILLION DOLLARS?! Shit, fine. Do you take IOUs? ..... No, bro, I swear to God, I’ll have your money in, like, a week. Maybe less, considering I’ve got ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD, MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAH ... Sweet! I’ll be right over!"

*****

The following promotion is brought to you by the true definition of "Big Tyme"... Shawn Christopher.

"So this is it. This is the next obstacle that stands in my way. Zach Rizza. Big Tyme.

I'm sure everyone is wondering about the million dollar question.

How easy will this victory over him be?

Well.. I see it will be as easy as the last couple of times. Oh yes, I said the last couple of times. See, this isn't our first dance together, we've met before. But the match that Zachary speaks off, isn't our first contest, as he would like my fans to believe.

We met before the infamous TV title match. Remember Massacre, Zachary. Remember when you decided to team up with the cheater himself, Brad Pierce. Yeah. Well before him and Pierce defeated me and CP for the Tag Team titles, I easily defeated him in the middle of the ring.

And you know what's funny?

I defeated him when he was 100 percent. But I'm supposed to fear him now.

I defeated him after he stood in front of the camera and filled the fans hopes with false promises, and idle threats. Just like he's already done now.

See.. here's all you need to know about Zachary.. he talks a good game, but he doesn't back up. The only big time about him is the moniker. Everytime he gets in a pressure situation, he crumbles. All he is, is a 'Big Tyme' letdown.

He still fucking sucks.

Zachary, amigo. What the fuck? You and your repetitive garbage. You wanna call the 'I got shot' card bro? That's cool, I've seen you around ever since then, and you're still stinking up the joint. I'm proud of you bro, you beat me once in a tag team match. You're great, and should be recognized. But guess what, Heavy D's beat me. Everyone's beat me. The difference is, I'm gonna pop back up and crush in your face. You've jacked more style from me, that I should get credit for your promos. Hell, I've watched Pierce make your bitch ass squeal like a pig.

You're a wanksta.

But honestly bro, if you wanna hype yourself up and start giving excuses, congrats.

Let me know when you win a World title, bitch.

Let me know when you become more than a mid card resident.

Let me know when you get some real talent.

You think I beat you for Jon Brown? Fuck Jon Brown, he don't like me. I kicked your ass for me. Just like I'ma do this Thursday night. I don't care about being a general manager. The only reason I'm in this damn tournament, is so I can get myself a Universal title shot. A shot that I rightfully deserve.. a shot that Jon Brown is scared to give me. He rather give it to guys he can manipulate.

Did you get a Universal title shot? My point exactly.

Zachary, you don't like me? Good, cause I don't like you. I bet you whacking yourself off to a photo of mine. You wanna be great kid, get a clue, and get some talent. You'll never be what I am. You bring your emotions up so high, believing that you'll always be the answer. You wanna be 'Big Tyme'?

Start with winning a big time match.

If I gotta hear you bitch about getting shot, I'm gonna shoot myself. But then again, If I even thought about that shit...

You'd prob do it right after.

I don't need a copycat bro. Be yourself.

You still blow.

I can't be second hand anymore Zachary. I'm tired of standing in line, waiting to grasp what should be mine.

I want the top Zachary.

I am starving to get.

I gotta think about myself in this one. And this time I'm fighting for the right reasons. Thsi federation neds a true superstar. And this right here, is my ultimate chance to shine."