thirteen years ago…

The buzz an glamour of Hollywood was all but contained in the confines of a small port town in the northern-most tip of Maine. An on-location film shoot had been assembled on the edge of Lobster Cove, a rocky form of landmass that created a big drop off from the surface to the bay’s body of water.

The cameras are all set up for different angles. Lighting stands and fixtures align the scene to provide adequate vision for that perfect shot. Cameramen shoot it all, their eyes through the viewfinder, as every crew member and unused cast member hush behind the director’s and cinematographer’s seats, as they set the stage for the pace to come.

Film had been rolling for quite some time. The camera’s angles are all fixed on the back of a child, who faces the edge of the cliff without regard for safety. His mother stands behind him, panicked, reaching out to save him. Taking a light step forward, the Child motions as if he intends to fall to the watery cove below.

And then, Macaulay Culkin turns around to face his mom, with a devious smile painted on his face.

"You really thought I was going to jump, huh? I guess you don’t know me very well, mom."

"AAAAAAND CUT! Perfect, Macaulay. You truly are the creepiest child to ever exist," says director, Joseph Ruben. Macaulay gives a confident nod.

"I know."

Alright, let’s do a wardrobe change then we’ll get Elijah out here to shoot the final, cliffhanger scene. And then we’ll call it a wrap-" but the production is interrupted, somewhat, by the vulgar and raspy screams coming through from the back of the location.

"WHERE THE FUCK IS MY SON!?!?"

"Shit, who let Kit on set?" Joseph asks to his First Assistant, who nods unknowingly. "Alright. Stay close to him and make sure he doesn’t break anything. And try to keep him quiet during shots. I’ll be in my trailer..."

Unable to stomach the stupidity of Christopher ‘Kit’ Culkin, Macaulay’s father, Ruben leaves the scene before Kit causes it to be more of one than it is. He carries a bottle of Jack Daniels in one hand, although it’s empty, and every few swaggers tries to suck what drops that are left out of the spout.

"WHERE THE FUCK IS MY SON?!!? HE’S A FUCKING STAR!"

"I’m right here, dad." Macaulay says, standing right in front of him.

"GOOD BOY, YOU’RE SUCH A GOOD BOY!" He begins to pat his son’s head, as if he were a dog. "YOU MAKING YOUR DADDY MILLIONS OF DOLLARS LIKE YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO?!?"

"Yes, daddy."

"AND DID THESE MOTHER FUCKERS CHANGE THAT SCENE SO YOU SAY ‘FUCK’ TO ELIJAH IN THE TREE-HOUSE?!"

"Actually, daddy, the producers didn’t think it was neces-"

"RUUUUUBEN!!!! GET YOUR DRUNK ASS OUT HERE!"

All the grips and light-men and boom-mic operators all stare at the drunk Kit Culkin as he swaggers in front of his son, again trying to suck the empty JD bottle, then offering what isn’t there to his son, who politely declines.

The door to Ruben’s trailer swings and slams open, and when he walks out the look on his face is none too pleased. He approaches the Culkins somewhat carefully, for fear of Kit Culkin to go into a drunken rage.

"What is it now, Kit?" he sighs.

"I THOUGHT I FUCKING TOLD YOU THIS FUCKER NEEDS TO SAY FUCK WHEN HE’S FUCKING FUCK."

"What are you-?"

"I SAID HE NEEDS TO SAY FUCK!!!"

Ruben slaps his forehead and sighs louder this time.

"Kit, we went through this. It’s completely out of character for someone as controlled and calculated as ‘Henry’ to start cursing for the sake of cursing! I don’t want to waste any more of our budget shooting a scene we’ve already completed, just because you want to hear your child say the F-word."

"IT’S FUCK, YOU MOTHER FUCKER! FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK! AND IF YOU DON’T ADD THAT FUCKING SCENE I’LL FUCKING KILL MY SON AND THEN WHERE WILL YOUR MOVIE BE, HUH!?!? IN THE FUCKING SHITTER!"

Ruben sighs, again.

"Alright, Kit. We’ll shoot the scene-"

"DO YOU KNOW WHO THE FUCK I AM?!! I’M KIT CULKIN YOU STUPID SON OF A BITCH! KIT FUCKING CULKIN! WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU TO TELL MY SON HE CAN’T SAY THAT WORD?!? YOU’RE DEFINITELY NOT KIT FUCKING CULKIN, THAT’S FOR FUCKING SURE!"

"What the hell? I never said your son couldn’t say that word."

"NOW YOU’RE TRYING TO TELL ME I’M A BAD PARENT, HUH!?!? WELL FUCK YOU, ASSFUCKER! I’M KIT FUCKING CULKIN AND I DEMAND YOU LET MY SON SAY FU-"

"JESUS, Kit! Calm down! I already said we’ll film the goddamn scene, alright? We’ll do it right after we shoot the ending so will you please just shut up? Go have another handle of Jack or something."

"THAT’S THE BEST IDEA KIT FUCKING CULKIN HAS EVER HAD. KIT CULKIN IS A GENIOUS AND HAS SUPERSPERM! WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU HAVE? NOT GOOD IDEAS LIKE ME, NOR SUPERSPERM THAT GIVES YOU MONEY FOR THEIR SLAVE-DUTIES. IN FACT I THINK I SHALL GO GET DRUNK TO CELEBRATE MY SUPERSPERM AND GOOD IDEAS. HEY, THAT’S A GOOD FUCKING IDEA! I’M SO FUCKING SMART!"

Joseph looks down at Macaulay, who’s somewhat disturbed, as his father begins to put himself into another drunken stupor.

"Sorry, Macaulay, I tried."

"I know, I know. He’s crazy."

"How do you deal?"

"I don’t know. But I tell you what, I’ll NEVER be as crazy as my dad."

Meanwhile, Kit Culkin has gone walking through the forest. He found another handle of his good buddy and happened to drink the first portion of it by the time he reaches a nice, secluded area further down the cove, the trees are so thick and aplenty that none of the cast and crew of ‘the Good Son’ are able to tell if Culkin is anywhere near.

"YUMMY. REMINDS ME OFF THE TIME I USED TO FREE-BASE THIS FUCKING SHIT!"

He slams the bottle back again, and because he’s a drunk who doesn’t care for much more than drinking, he doesn’t notice the bright flash of light that appears in front of him.

Platinum light.

"TIME IS MY FUCKING BITCH!" is screamed from within the light, and as it dies down, all that is left is a shiny contraption complete with levers and dials and numbers and locations. Sitting in the center of this small pod, is the Cult Icon.

He exits the Platinum Time Machine and approaches Kit, who is still kicking back the bottle and sucking down the booze. Kit doesn’t notice Facey’s there, so he gains his attention by knocking the bottle out of his hand. But Kit can only watch helplessly, heartbroken, as he sees the river of Jack flow from the bottle and soak into the soil, wasting the rest of its contents.

"FUCKNO!!!!!" he screams before getting on the ground and licking the soil.

"Hey, shitface, we’re in 1993, right? Can you show me where they’re filming ‘the Good Son’? I’m Macaulay Culkin’s number one fan."

Kit fights to stand to his feet, as it’s hard to do without the support of something stable (like himself), and then puts his face right into the masked one of the Eater.

"WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU WHAT THE FUCK IS 1993 AND WHO THE FUCK IS THE GOOD SON!?! WHAT DO YOU WANT, HUH!?!? YOU WANT MY SON?!? YOU CAN’T FUCKING HAVE MY SON, BECAUSE HE’S MACAULAY CULKIN AND HE MAKES ME FUCKING MONEY! WELL, MAYBE I’LL GIVE YOU MY SON BUT YOU HAVE TO TELL ME WHAT KIND OF MOVIE IT IS. I DON’T MIND A SNUFF FILM OR TWO BUT I STILL WANT HIM TO HAVE SOME INNOCENCE SO MAYBE ONLY ONE SODOMIZATION ALL FOR THE SAKE OF THE THEATRE AM I RIGHT?! SO HOW MUCH ARE YOU GOING TO PAY ME TO LET YOU VIDEOTAPE MY SON BEING SODOMIZED?!?"

Shawn just blinks. It’s really all he can do.

"ARE YOU NOT GOING TO FUCKING PAY ME WELL YOU OWE ME AND MY FRIEND JACK A RAIN CHECK BECAUSE HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO BRING JACK BACK TO LIFE AFTER YOU KILLED HIM! YOU FUCKING KILLED JACK!"

"What a second, did you say you’re Macaulay Culkin’s dad?" Shawn asks.

"KIT FUCKING CULKIN DOESN’T ANSWER TO SUPERFREAKS YOU FUCK."

"I’ll take that as a yes," Shawn says more to himself than aloud.

As Kit watches on somewhat confused (but apparently oblivious to the arrival of a time-traveler), Shawn leans over and picks up the now-empty bottle of JD.

"Sorry, Kit, but somebody’s got to die."

BANG. One swing drops Kit Culkin unconscious in a mess of glass and alcohol. Facey takes off Kit’s shirt and pants, puts them on himself and situates everything to make sure he’s ready to play the role.

Dragging Kit Culkin’s body over to the edge of the rocky cliff, he kicks him over the edge and watches as Kit plummets to the ocean and underwater, probably never to be seen again.

But really, would anyone care?

SC makes his way through the woods before he finds where the film-shoot is taking place. Elijah Wood, Macaulay and Wendy Crewson who was playing the mother-character of the movie all stand in the center of lights and cameras as Joseph Fuller makes his way through the crowd of workers to his director’s chair.

"Alright, cue playback." He says, and all the actor’s get in their positions. Macaulay hangs from the edge of the cliffs, as does Elijah, both kept safe from the fall and water below by restraining wires and harnesses.

Wendy Crewson looks over the two kids, and prepares herself with a few acting exercises to get into character just mere moments before the shot starts.

"Aaand. ACTION!"

"Mom, please sav-"

"STOP FUCKING SHOOTING!?!?" SC screams. Everyone turns to look at the interruption as the director calls for cut once again. He stands from his seat, somewhat fed-up by the antics until he actually gets a good look at the Cult Icon.

A few people begin to whisper amongst themselves...

Is that Kit Culkin?

I don’t think so, he looks ridiculous.

OF COURSE HE LOOKS RIDICULOUS, IT’S KIT FUCKING CULKIN.

"Kit?" Joseph asks.

"WHO THE FUCK ELSE WOULD IT FUCKING BE!?! Don’t oppress me with your racial prejudice, you fucking fuckbag, and bring me my son! I WANT TO SEE MY FUCKING SON!"

"I’m right here, dad," Macaulay says, having left the scene in an attempt to squander the situation.

Shawn looks down, and at first he can’t believe it. "MACAULAY! I MEAN, SON! OH I LOVE YOU SO MUCH."

SC scoops the child into his arms and kisses his cheek rather passionately, as if he were tonguing it. "Dad, you’re getting my ear all wet."

"Oops, sorry son." He says, dropping him. "It’s just... I LOVE ALL OF YOUR FUCKING MOVIES! Especially Home Alone 2."

"Home Alone 2? We haven’t even started pre-production there, dad. Are you okay?!"

Fuck. Shawn forgot the whole ‘time paradox’ rules and such. "FUCK YEAH I’M GOOD. I’m the fucking goodest of the good! I’m with my boy, MACAULAY!"

Joseph has gotten fed up, and is now at the point where he will go through any means to finish this movie. "Kit, what are you doing here? You should be back at the trailer-"

"DON’T TELL ME WHO SHOULD AND WHO SHOULDN’T BE FUCKING WHO IN THIS RELATIONSHIP, FULLER! I’M KIT FUCKING CULKIN AND THAT MEANS I HAVE CREATIVE CONTROL OF THIS MOVIE."

"Actually, you don’t. You’re not even credited."

"FUCK?!?!" Shawn head-butts a key-grip that happens to walk by. No, his head doesn’t explode. "LISTEN YOU MOTHER FUCKER, I’VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOUR DISRESPECT TOWARDS ME AND MY FAMILY. I HAVE NO PROBLEM WITH YOUR JEWISHOCITY. HELL, I BELIEVE WE CAN PRAY TO ANY GOD WE WANT! BUT WHEN YOUR PENNY PINCHING ASS STARTS CALLING ME AND MY FAMILY A BUNCH OF NAZIS, THAT’S INTOLLERABLE! WE WILL NOT STAND FOR IT! EQUAL RIGHTS!!!! EQUAL FUCKING RIGHTS!"

"Jesus will you shut up?" Joseph says, in fear of the paparazzi that incredulously snap their portraits from behind a barrier 20 feet away. "What do you want, Kit?"

"THE ENDING IS TOO STUPID AND GAY. MACAULAY, MY SON, MUST SURVIVE AND ELIJAH WOOD MUST DIE! IT’S THE ONLY WAY FOR BALANCE TO BE STORED IN THE UNIVERSE."

"What?!" Joseph screams, horrified at such a suggestion. "But that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard! It totally betrays the notion the movie painstakingly attempts to portray. The struggle of good and evil is basically useless if evil prevails the entire way thr-"

"DON’T TRY AND REASON WITH ME WITH YOUR PREJUDICE OF SANTANISM YOU JEW, I KNOW HOW YOUR BIG NOSES OPERATE. NOW YOU WILL KILL ELIJAH AND LET MACAULAY LIVE AT ONCE!"

"But the film won’t hold any resonance with audiences." Joseph tries to plead, but he knows it’ll go nowhere.

"FUCK AUDIENCES, IT’S NOT LIKE THEY CHOOSE HOW SUCCESSFUL WE ARE! I AM A FUCKING SEX ROBOT OF GENETIC GODNESS! MY LOINS ARE AMAZING, YOU’RE JUST A TOOL BAG WITH AN ASSOCIATES IN ART! NO ONE LIKES YOU, BUT PEOPLE LIKE MACAULAY! EVEN AN EVIL MACAULAY. IN FACT, IF THIS MOVIE DOESN’T END WITH EVERYONE BUT MACAULAY DEAD ON THE GROUND I WILL SHOOT YOU IN THE EYEBALLS, YOU HEAR ME?!?! I WILL SHOOT YOU IN THE EYEBALLS WITH A FLAME THROWER UNTIL YOU SEE THE LIGHT! SEE THE FUCKING LIGHT!!!!"

Shawn begins to convulse from the mouth, emphasizing his point.

"I’m sorry, Kit. But we’re not changing the ending." Fuller folds his arms to further emphasize his unwillingness to compromise.

Actually, in this situation, we’d consider it ‘bending to the will of a terrorist.’

"MACAULAY!!! GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE!"

"I’m right here, daddy."

"WELL GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE, BECAUSE WE’RE LEAVING! LET’S FIND ANOTHER MOVIE WE CAN BULLY THE CREATORS INTO DOING WHATEVER WE WANT THEM TO DO."

Macaulay sighs, but obliges to his "father’s" wishes. As they begin to leave, Joseph calls back to them with the tone of defeat in his voice.

"Alright. Fine. We’ll change the fucking ending."

Facey smiles a devious smile. If everything works out according to plan, consider his debt problems over...

And consider CJ’s debt problems just beginning!! Muahahahahah!

*****

Back at SC’s crib, CJ and Derek are both laying asleep on the couch. Apparently they took SC’s seat after he left. The television is on the E! network, still, because these two are vain mother fuckers and vanity is E!’s specialty.

A bright light appears to be emanating from the back of his home, and after it dulls out, Shawn returns to the living room, apparently back from his time-traveling adventure.

He jumps on the couch, rudely awakening his partner’s as Shawn grabs the remote. He flips it back to the DVD player to turn on ‘the Good Son’, but it doesn’t work.

"What are you doing?" CJ asks, rubbing the cobwebs from his eyes.

"WATCHING THE FUCKING GOOD SON SO YOU CAN PAY THE FUCK UP, BITCH!"

"Dude, don’t change that. I was watching E!"

"You were FUCKING SLEEPING!" Shawn punches a few buttons on the remote, but nothing comes up aside from the blue screen. "Where the fuck is my movie!?!"

Shawn darts towards the entertainment center, and ejects the DVD tray. Nope, no ‘Good Son’ there. He looks through his stack of DVDs for a copy, but it is nowhere to be found.

"WHERE THE FUCK IS THE GOOD SON?!"

"What the hell is a good son?" CJr asks. Shawn turns at him, stunned, in disbelief.

"ARE YOU FUCKING DENSE!! It’s the fucking movie we made our fifty million dollar bet on! That sweet fucking movie from the 90’s with Macaulay Culkin and Elijah Wood!"

Derek begins to cough, as if he was taking a drink and something Shawn said excited him, causing him to choke. "ACK. You mean that really SHITTY movie? The one that was never released because it had that lame-ass ending where Macaulay Culkin kills everyone with an AK-47?"

"That’s the best fucking part!" Shawn screams.

"Maybe. Too bad we’ll never know. That movie has never seen the light of day, Shawn, you know that."

Derek’s words hit Shawn harshly. His attempt to change reality for the better, apparently, changed the world for the worse.

"Wait, Elijah Wood was in that? The kid that was raped by Michael Jackson?" CJ asks Derek. Derek nods.

"Wait. Michael Jackson raped Elijah Wood?!" Shawn tries to catch up with the changes in history.

"Yeah, about ten years ago. Then, last year, after no one had seen him since the trial ended, the kid broke into the Neverland Ranch and killed Michael Jackson in his sleep. He’s in jail now."

"I heard he stabbed him in the throat." CJ replies. "With a spoon."

"Well what happened to Macaulay?!?"

"You mean, after that shitty movie was canned? Well, I know they found his dad’s dead body in the ocean near where filming took place." Derek begins to laugh to himself as Shawn looks on, nervously. "In fact, I wouldn’t doubt that shitty movie being the reason why he committed suicide."

"It would make sense. So yeah, Macaulay’s dad commited suicide and he had a hard time finding roles after that. Pretty sure he just quit Hollywood altogether."

"Well where is he now?!" Shawn asks, excitement in his voice. "He’s probably some fucking emperor of his own country, right?"

"Actually, he started making snuff films and got caught last year for child pornography. Pretty sure he shares a cell with Elijah Wood."

CJ chuckles aloud to himself. "Now THAT is irony."

Upon hearing the tragic news, Shawn falls to his knees and begins to sob uncontrollably.

"It’s over! MY LIFE IS OVER! MACAULAY, I AM SO SORRY I DESTROYED YOU!!!"

He collapses to the floor face down, having realized that his time-traveling adventure left the planet in a worse place than when it started. Before, there was at least a small selection of Macaulay to enjoy. Now, there’s hardly none.

Derek notices his partner needs consolation at this point, so he crawls across the floor and pats his hand on his back.

"It’s going to be okay, Shawn. Huh, CJ? Tell Shawn everything is going to be just fine!"

CJ looks at Derek like he’s insane, with that ‘no way I’m saying that’ facial expression.

"CJ, tell Shawn everything is going to be okay."

Chris just eyes the back of the Cult Icon’s head, without an ounce of pity in his eyes in the presence of such a pathetic scene.

"Dude, you owe me fifty million dollars."

*****

"Has the realization set in yet, Zachary?

Has it hit you that once again, Shawn Christopher is gonna take something from you?

Honestly, who can beat me straight up? Who in their right mind would believe there is anyone on the face of this earth that could beat me one on one, with no help. Aidan Collins?

Nah.

Raziel?

Pfft.

Wait, Legion.

HAHAHA!

I'm the best I've ever been, and my enemy, you are in the proverbial 'wrong place at the wrong time'.

Hopefully, you're starting to understand who I am, and what I can do. I could see the underestimation, the lack of respect for me. "Shawn's fluke.", "Shawn's not that good.

Fuck, I've done everything you couldn't do.

Same competition, the same result, consistently. I always end up better than you Zachary. After I do this, what's next? Legion? Black Death? Raziel? Bigg Rigg?

I've walked over everything put in front of me. I'm about to walk through this tournmanet. I bet you still won't be impressed.

Fuck outta here.

Zachary, you've been led to believe wrong. You've been led to believe that you can beat me, but you can't.

I don't carry idle threats, or false promises. I wave the Icon banner, the purest form of raw talent. The Greatest form of originality. I didn't come here to watch punks try and turn this game in to their own pocket pussy. Try and run this through your head. I don’t care which brand I work for, or even fight for. I'm here to establish my status. I'm carrying amazing stats, and I'm just here to build them up. I'm here to carry that one title you and all of your bitches lust for.

That's why I'ma run through this tournament. I want the Universal title.

Raise the bar a little more, and attempt a takeover like I've done. Much easier said than done, but I did it. I put the warning shots out, and answered. Their is no battle for power in Anarchy. There is only the eventual downfall. As soon as you realize that, it'll make your quest obsolete and petty.

For I am all that is great.

I'm tired of making you believe your at least half talented. Truth is, you'll never fit the shoes I'm molding. You'll never reach the plateau I've been at for over a year. This is a losing effort, and you've already lost the battle.

I laugh at your attempts, Zachary.

So come one, and come all. The Icon is making his way to his throne. I see the spit on the foundation I built. I see the hatred in both of your eyes.

ave it. This one is already over.

Shawn Christopher will forever rule your XWF, starting with owning the March PPV. The statues are already being built, as the Kingdom is almost finished, and established.

Time is my time... the biggest time of them all."