Violent A...Violent A.

In wrestling, we all search for the weaknesses of our opponents, we try to target that to take them down. I don't do that--I always attack the strengths...but Violent A is alot like me--we're so well balanced, it's hard to exactly find a weakness or a strong point. The only thing I can honestly think of his his determination--which is quite similar to my own. However...there is a difference in weaknesses between us, and this I know...

And that's because I'm my greatest weakness, I'm the very reason I could lose this coming match.

I wish it wasn't true, I wish I could really go into that match without a worry in the world...but I've made that impossible for myself. There's a part of me hoping like hell that some sort of voice will come into my mind and give me the advice I need to go into Thursday with my head held high, to actually be able to defeat A with a clear and sound mind...

...but when you're fighting two battles at once, it's hard to keep a sound mind.

Then there's another part, a part of me saying to just give up trying. A part of me saying that all this, all my efforts...are all just a lost cause. My past is once again holding me down, trying to assure me that by losing one of my dreams oh so long ago, it'll be impossible for me to accomplish another when, in fact, I already have...and Suki is my proof.

I've only one dream left, just because I lost one a long time ago doesn't mean it's all impossible.

After all, what good is it to come this far and simply give up hope? Give up trying?

My past is wrong...and it's time I start to realize that.

Yet even when I know it's not true...I'm worried. I really am worried, you know...worried that despite all my efforts I still won't have enough to make it to the top. I'm worried that I'm not strong enough, that I don't have the drive to make it through this match, or even the matches thereafter...I'm even doubting whether or not I'll have the will power to keep standing despite superhuman efforts others will go through to keep me down.

I need a miracle is what I need...a downright miracle. A way to put this all aside and still march onward against Violent A--against every single member of the NLCW roster--and keep this streak alive. I need an angel to guide me out there...but I know I'm at a loss there, because there are no angels to help guide me now. Not in that ring, because that ring is about skill and determination...not miracles. There is no stairway I can climb to the heavens, and there sure as hell isn't any gates for me to pass through into the illustrious list of world champions that have graced the NLCW's legacy. It's going to take time, effort...and certainly a whole hell of alot of struggles.

This could very well be one of the greatest struggles of my life, too...and the sad thing is, the fans don't even know it.

I'm just a regular human being, a man against odds stacked so high that even now I am beginning to doubt myself, even I am beginning to worry if I have enough to make it through...despite my own voice of truth and reason telling me otherwise.

All in all, however, I'm still not going to give in. Sure, I'll admit it right here and now; I do have alot of weaknesses, and sure, every person I face will be able to exploit them and take me out of a match thanks to them rather easily if they wanted to. That still won't stop me from trying, though. I'm still going to give them everything I damn well have in hopes of winning that match and, eventually, making it to the top of the mountain.

A mountain that, once before, Violent A has made the climb over.

It truly is important to me to win this, more then I can possibly say. This isn't for bragging rights, this isn't for an eventual shot at the world title, this isn't so I can have a good lead into All Hallow's Eve to face Sean Galen...

This is so I'll finally feel complete, so I'll finally know that I really can pull it off....that I really can make my dreams come true. That despite the torment my past is causing me...anything is still possible.

I'm still unsure you see, I still don't know if I can. In many ways yes, I'm still just a child trapped inside a 29 year old man's body. I'm just as unsure of myself now as I was back in my teenaged years, and I'm becoming more and more unstable as the stress keeps mounting with every passing day.

Even Suki is having problems trying to help me now...but even she refuses to give up.

Admittedly, she's right...it's time that I stop leaving her in the dark--because in all truth, she's the only person who can truly help me now.

I've become my own weakness, and I have no idea how to stop it. I've become a desperate man doing everything he can just to fight off the horrors of his past and find a true, honest-to-God pathway to his dreams. I'm constantly praying never to wake up to a harsh reality that says I really am nothing...and I'm tired of it. I'm tired of being plagued by my past, of being under so much stress that it feels like at any moment I'm going to snap and rip someone to shreds. I'm afraid of what might happen if my anger gets the best of me, and I'm tired of being afraid.

I'm tired of not showing Suki how much I truly love her, I'm tired of not being able to go into a match with clear thoughts and my head in the game, I'm tired of not truly being able to look into the mirror and say, with all honesty, that "It can be done...one day, I truly do know that my dreams will come true."

I'm tired of not being able to, but I'm not going to give up. I'm still going to try, and this time? This time...I'm going to do it. If I win this week...I'll know for sure. That despite my current problems outside of the NLCW...despite everything going on inside of me now...that I can still do this. I can still win

Inevitably, Violent A, you're not going to be able to stop me...but I'd just love to see you try.