Look at this paint which adorns my face now, this paint which at one time I claimed would represent my struggles for that world title which sits on a pedastool now, awaiting a man to come and take claim of it. Look at how those words, once so proud and filled with determination, have twisted themselves completely around. Now that I've faced Alex the face paint stays, even when I rightly deserve that title around my waist I still keep this paint which was once used to mock the violent clown himself.
This was my warpaint, now it's become the ashes of a once great hero spread out over the face of a would-be hero, hasn't it?
Look how far I've fallen... look at everything I could have had, suddenly dashed before my eyes. My greatfulness for what I've been given is limitless, my love for the business, the people and everyone I've found through it is incredible... the NLCW really does make me happy. It finds the one thing about me-- my dreams-- and makes them possible for me. However, I let things take importance over my focus, my thoughts... and though my record here in the NLCW may not indicate it, I really have fallen into a slump.
How many matches do I have monthly? It seems to me that at one time this hero fought week in and week out. Seems to me I once fought two matches in one night-- neigh, THREE matches even, and won all but the last, where it came to a draw. Where has that hero gone? Where has his spirit flown to, and when will he come back?
How could I have fallen so far? Why did I allow this to happen... was I really so foolish that I took my eyes off the prize before me? I was supposed to be the one who would stand up and represent everything that the NLCW stood for, and now instead I've fallen to where I am.
Am I still the man those fans chanted for so incredibly loud during Final Solution? Am I still the brave soul who stepped into the ring and took on the seemingly unbeatable champion, who'd made him fall by the end of the year prior, and took him down for his title?
Dillon Durst is declaring war on the NLCW and all the while I've acted as though I could care less, as though I'm above it all... but the reality is that unfortunately I have been in a slump, and him running in one night may very well take me down. The old Pericolo would go down swinging in a sneak attack, but this one seems to be unable to raise his fist in retaliation.
No, instead I just open my mouth, and let words do everything that I cannot.
Am I a hero, damn it?! Tell me, Kindred, tell me now! Am I really this hero you've told me that I am?! Do I go out there for the fans as I once did, or is it for my own selfish desires?! Have I fallen back into my old ways, the ways which brought me nothing but insanity as I betrayed the very people who stayed true for me all the while?!
Will they boo me now? These fans that love me so... will I inevitably betray them again? I've made my mistakes, tried to correct them, and had them return over time... surely that doesn't mean that those mistakes I made in the HWF can't just come back to haunt me as well? What will I do then, what backup plan will I have for that?! WHERE'S THE HERO, KINDRED, WHO COULD CRUSH THESE NIGHTMARES IN THE PALM OF HIS HAND?!
...
I just... I sometimes wish I could have a second chance, you know? A way of making up my past mistakes... and I really do believe that I have that chance, but that it will take some time to grab hold of. Hell, I don't know... maybe this Sunday is my chance, or maybe our match will be. Maybe I'll go out there a changed man and make up for all of my own personal mistakes over these past few weeks...
Maybe the spark from the flame of the old Dominic Pericolo will light this dwindling flame within my soul..
Maybe I'll stop being so melodramatic, too.
To be honest, at this point in my life I'm not sure what's going to happen anymore. In a few months I'm going to turn 30 years old, and while to many it seems like a big step... I just don't know what to think of it. Technically, I'm still very young, I still have alot I can do... but to be 30 and still chasing the dreams you've had since you were a child?
It just seems like I'd have been done with that part of my life by now.
I don't know... I don't intend on retiring any time soon, but a part of me remembers back to all those years ago when I thought I'd find my dreams coming to me soon enough, and now soon enough has led to here. I promised that I would win the title for a second time before my first year in the NLCW came to a close, but can I really while I'm still questioning myself as I am?
True heroes... do they ever question themselves? Do the heroes of this world do the same?
No... true heroes don't have the option of questioning themselves, because a moment's lapse in concentration could bring the suffering of those they're trying to save, or the failure of their job within an instant.
I question myself every day... I still have that option.
