I've gotten used to loss throughout my life... it's something I'd brought up with Chris not too long ago, on the night I defeated him in his first match back against me. He'd done so much work to paint me as someone always falling short, and... he was right, actually.
I've always fallen short of my goals at some point or another. When I dreamed for a family, for a loving relationship and a perfect future as a teenager... I lost the woman I loved, alienated myself from everyone who cared for me, and spent the next many years wandering the country in solitude.
When I dreamed for success and respect upon entering into the HWF, I faced an arrogant man who was bound and determined to denounce everything I'd ever done as meaningless, and who truly made me feel like a talentless hack for a short time.
Hell, when I finally made a stand for my dreams by betraying everything I'd held dear to me in my original efforts to realize them... I not only failed spectacularly, but I watched as the place I'd counted on to be the means to recognize those dreams simply crumble away and be forgotten.
I came to the NLCW to try and make a new start, and for a long time people believed me to be unstoppable... but when I had put absolutely everything I possibly could have into my first match against Dillon Durst, I had once again fallen short. I fell short against Violent A after running the gauntlet through him, Ethan Andrews and Frank Merritt in one night, despite pouring my heart into a match I'd been so certain I could come out of.
I risked everything by buying out stocks for the NLCW in order to take control of its reigns and hopefully steer it in the right direction... but in the end when I'd handed control over to my appointed CEO, it still wasn't enough to stop this day from coming. I came back out of retirement in order to finally wrap up a chapter in my life I felt ready to close... and in doing so, I discovered that my best friend was dying and the federation I wanted so desperately to save was officially closing its doors.
I have been disappointed. I have been hurt. I have been emotionally crippled and left alone to cope with it all. When it comes down to it, Rick... you even being able to compete after everything that has happened to you proves that you've kept yourself ahead of your own problems, entirely focusing instead on simply inflicting pain upon me. All the while, here I am... talking about the past and obsessing over failed opportunities.
I mean, honestly Rick... you're going through your own problems, but me? I've got a veritable bad-luck cocktail going on for me, a series of unfortunate events piling on one after another and ultimately weighing me down with far too great a burden to bear. Going into Avulsion, with so much for me to consider outside of just dealing with you out there... distraction is going to be a huge player in this match for me, it's going to be something that could potentially sabotage my efforts all-together.
And if I couldn't handle the events surrounding Chris sabotaging my dreams right in front of me, how could I possibly hope to handle the culmination of everything that has ever gone wrong in my life coming to a head in this final match? I'm going to choke, Rick... and you probably already predicted that one, too.
I've already used up so much of my energy just getting to this point despite all the pain that's been holding me back... with nothing to motivate me forward beyond the end of the NLCW, what point is there in this last match, anyway? What do I prove if I win it? What do I lose if I fail to win it? It's all just formalities at this point... neither of us have any clear-cut reason for doing this except for the fact that it's our final job, isn't it?
And, in the end... you've been in this business for far longer than I have, Rick... you simply know how to do the job better than I do.