You know, there was one point in my life where I really did feel like the hero. Before Crystal died, she made me feel like one, she made me feel as though I could save entire cities and lift worlds. Child-like beliefs that filled my mind when she was near and left my heart in a constant state of pounding, pounding so hard that my very ribs shook from the intensity. Then came the fall, and resurrection of that hero... when Suki took my arms and saved me from drowning.
Then the hero could stand tall again, and once again worlds were being lifted all in the name of love. Yet somewhere down that line I lost sight of everything important to me and began to get consumed in petty things, things that took precedence over all which mattered most to me. One day only Suki would be on my mind... and the next, I was obsessing over a task that had no importance to me at all. Ignoring Suki, casting her astray after everything she's done for me...
What the hell kind-of hero does that to someone he loves?!
Maybe that's why I'm so confused around Suki... she agreed to marry me despite all that I've done to her, it's as though she's seen past all the troubles I've caused. She looks at me with those eyes of admiration when I never did anything to deserve them... why would she do that? I don't deserve that kind of dedication... not after betraying it the way I have when I let other things take over who I am...
Is it just because she loves me, or does she really not see all I've done? I see those eyes and I can't help but fall right into them and let the world just pass me by, yet for the longest time those eyes never met mine because I wouldn't let them. So much of me believed that there was work to be done... that I let work override love and sent her to a cage, where only when it was convenient would I ever pay her a visit.
Sometimes "I love you" isn't enough, you know... you have to show your love in things other then words, and I stopped remembering how the hell to do that months ago. The loving, caring Dominic Pericolo died within me... and I have no-one to blame but myself for that murder. How can I learn to be the one for her again? How will I be a good husband, when I'm still so lost within myself?
... I'm starting to remember why I used to fear love so much. It's all so damn confusing.
Anyway... I once again digress, we've drifted too far off-topic. I suppose I should apologize... I'm only human.
Only... human. Like I said, I'm not a hero. I have my faults, I have my imperfections. Yes I know, even Superman had his kryptonite, but did that make him any less of a person? Did that make him any less of a hero?
When it was all said and done, there was always the happy ending. Superman always saved the day.
Where's my happy ending? How am I to save the day when Dillon Durst is breathing down this corporation's neck? When all the heroes who could be stopping him have preoccupied themselves with other things? Awhile back I had my chance to finish him off for good, but I was simply too weak then. Dillon Durst has stood as my rival because he's someone who pushes me beyond my limits within the first minute of that bell ringing. Against that man it's not a wrestling match... it's a fight for survival.
I had a chance to finish that fight all those months ago, to end Dillon Durst's career and save the NLCW from this childish invasion... and I failed. I couldn't stop him, and I still might not be able to.
I gave everything to try and stop him and I failed, I'll give everything to try and stop him again and I may very well fail again.
I do all I can... and I'm still not a hero.
When I was younger I myself didn't have many heroes. In fact... I only had one. I wasn't one of the kids who looked up to the wrestlers as heroes, I saw them as legends. I wasn't one of the kids who thought a particular singer was my hero, or a fireman or a policeman. There was no one to save my life... no one that was made of the qualities a typical hero had.
The one true hero I held was the same as many children of my age and stayed the same as I grew up. He's still my hero, even today... I respect no one as much as I do him and no single person will ever be able to hold a flame by him in that aspect.
My hero is my father.
Through all of the good times and the bad, my father was always there for me. He was always the one to make me laugh or keep my head above the water. There was no one who could ever keep me moving forward like he did, and I can honestly say that I'm proud to be his son.
When Crystal died... he was the only one who was able to keep me strong, to help me through my hard times. My friends, Suki, even my own mother tried and inevitably failed to raise my spirits... but dad, there was always something about him that kept me going. I suppose it could have been due to respect but in the end I know my main cause for listening to him over everyone else, was because he was always there.
He made me a promise when I was younger... a promise that to this day he's still kept. He told me he'd always be proud of me, always be here for me. That even when the day came that he wasn't on this Earth any longer, he would continue to remain in my heart and guide me forward.
To this day he still lives with my mother, watching me grow... watching my success. To this day he's still proud, he still believes in me.
My only true hero, and I can't thank him enough.
My greatest wish is to one day be at least half the man he is... to be half the hero that he is. But I fear that day will never come... I don't see how it's even possible, honestly.
Everyone loves the hero... no matter whom they are. Regular people look up to them, villains depend upon them for a challenge... and if it's Hollywood, that one special girl just wishes to be with him, even when she's risking her very life to do so.
Ever heard the line, "If only real life was like a movie"? Sometimes I think that myself, and then I realize that truthfully... the two are so alike it's almost scary. There are times where I really don't want to be the hero, because in the end the hero always loses something special to him, something he holds dear.
He searches for an answer... searches to find himself, and in the end there's always the happy ending, the ending I've yet to find and for that reason among others leads me to believe that I am truly not a hero.
I've suffered my tragedy... and for over a decade now I've tried to find my answer. I've accomplished my dreams... and I'm so close to accomplishing the highest point of them that I may very well be able to within the year, and yet I still don't believe I'll find my answer. I may find completion, but not my answer.
I don't know how I'll find it... much less where, but I really do believe that the NLCW is providing me with enough an opportunity to take advantage and grow these wings to soar the skies with. I believe that one day I might truly be able to find my answer here... but long ago, I believed that I'd have done that by now. It's funny, looking back at my mind set in the HWF... I actually though that to truly accomplish my dreams was to make it to the top; that to have the masses love me and to be the one they scream for I'd need world title gold around my waist... and yet after doing so here it was just more so apparent that that simply wasn't the case.
It took a lot to make me realize how wrong I was; from losing my chance in the HWF to losing my sanity as that place came to its close.
The fact is that you can make as many rises and pitfalls as you want to, it's how you handle yourself through them that counts to the fans. It's the way you react to each obstacle and challenge that determines how you are in their eyes... and that's why they cheer me like they do. Because I never give up on my dreams, no matter how close or far away I am.
But does that really make me a hero? For fools have done the same and remained just that: a fool.
It doesn't make me a hero... because a hero is someone that changes people for the better, that protects and serves the innocent, someone who you can look up to.
In the end, there are many heroes in this world...