$50

[Steve]

(FADEIN: Joey Melton ULTATITLE backdrop.)

JOEY MELTON: Here I am, the Old Man and the Sea (of ****s up, cast offs, and irritants he inspired.) The ULTRATITLE the most prestigious and least awarded prize in wrestling other than Lindsay Troy’s ***** is back up for grabs.

And though I know I shouldn’t. Though my body says I can’t. Joey Melton will make his final ascent on history. It’s most of what I have now. History. Shadows of glories won years ago. And what’s the reward? The knowledge I’ve outlasted most of my peers? That I can’t let go?

The end is constant in life. Some ends in my career have opened doors for greater things, but I’m smart enough to understand it’s the last door which must be opened now. When Joey Melton steps into the ring to chase his third ULTRATITLE, it’ll be for the last time. Either I win my last match, or someone writes my last chapter, but this is it. It’d be a lie to say I’ve done everything, that there’s nothing else. What does it matter? We all perform until we can’t or someone tells us to stop. I never thought I’d live to be the age I am now. God knows as Mike Randalls and others can attest I did everything in my power not to.

I remember laying on that bathroom floor in Japan a breath from death, drugged and surrounded by a trail of fire that burned every bridge I had in this business. But I saw the next day. I wrote the next chapter. I made more careers, didn’t I Cameron? Adrian? That this Ends has never bothered me. I came from nothing. It’s all been a joke that I’ve ever had anything in life. But what I had first was beating 64 men for the greatest prize in our sport. When I first did it? Sure there was still a Soviet Union, but it was my title. And to keep it has been a bit of an obsession.

I nearly broke myself trying to ward off the anti-draw Michael Manson and Shane Southern the last time she was up for grabs. To be honest, I never thought I’d have another dance.

But here we are. The last door. The End. Who can ****ing stop me?

This is a business which we tell our true friends by the scars they’ve inflicted on us over time. And Eli Flair, to be sure, when I look in the mirror I see you everywhere.

You were a great one, kid. But there has always been greater talent surrounding you. You’ve had pity World title runs because, “Well Eli’s a gamer, and it’d be nice to show the world, even the dumb kids get rewarded for staying within the lines.” You’ve gone on talk radio and thrown the gauntlet down. I don’t get that. You’re ****ing manager’s always had more heat than you have, had a bigger legacy, yet you’re running your mouth like it’s your tournament to win.

You’re a prop Flair.

Such a dull one they brought in another Eliminator years ago because they ****ing forgot you were on the roster.

So you break Troy Windham’s fingers when your pity call is up, only it just ends up creating his legacy, doesn’t it?

You played second fiddle to Randalls and Hornet, and tried to get the vote for being anti-establishment. You’re a company man, you’re THE establishment Flair. And we all love you for it, but when you run your mouth you just open yourself to the idea of being exposed.

I think you’ve forgotten what greatness is.

So let’s do this in Round One.

I’ll even give you my #1 seeding. That’s’ right, the old man will be the #16 seed. Whatever it takes. You think you’re winning this….

Eli, don’t be afraid. I’ll let you get back to the recording studio so you do what you do best, you can surround yourself with more talented people, this time your wife, and say “honey that was great.”

You’re a magnet for being around better things. Which is good news for your daughter. She’s bound to be a champion in something.

I failed last time.

I won’t again.

Joey Melton walks off the ULTRATITLE champion for the third time.

FADEOUT.)

 

[User Poets]

"'I failed last time. I won't fail again.'"

"Hasn't that been the Joey Melton mantra since June of 1988?"

"That's really your only claim to fame, Joey - First CSWA World Champion? I hear you have that phrase painted on your ceiling and monogrammed on your toilet paper so you can get some inspiring words in your diet to give yourself a reason to get up in the morning."

"No disrespect of course, Joey... you win a title that would eventually be carried to greatness by more talented men than yourself, you win some Ultratitles, you're on your way to immortality... and you decide 'Meh, f'k it - I don't want to work so hard, I'll get myself into some tag teams."

"Thus begins twenty years of 'Hey, didn't you used to be Joey Melton?'"

"As far as making careers go... whose? Adrian's found his niche in private security and communications, two fields that had nothing to do with being a midget: a fact you never seemed to let him forget. Cameron Cruise, as far as I can tell, benefitted from the Cameron Cruise project solely in the space of reminding people 'Hey, I'm significant! Pick me for the team! I once teamed with Joey Melton!'"

"Lindsay? Please. Her stock was rising fast and you saw a chance to grab some headlines. No shame in it, but let's not call it more than it was."

"For all your successes in this sport, both in and out of the ring, both large and small, you're going to be remembered as Mister Lindsay Troy. Your final chapter was already written, and it's titled 'How I held on to any semblance of anything remotely resembling fame until I was a caricature of a caricature of what Joey Melton used to be.' How's that taste, Joe?"

"We will remember you fondly, Joey... you made us laugh when you got pinned by a midget, you made us cry when you couldn't walk and resorted to a chicken - fight in the first NFW season... You touched our hearts when you serenaded Lindsay with Poison lyrics... Anything to stay over, right Joey? Anything to keep that money machine moving, right?"

"We're not so different, you and I. You know what I did to stay over and get paid?"

"I wrestled."

"Anti - establishment is a funny phrase, Joey, and it's one that I've never used. It brings up all sorts of mythic images, like the Sex Pistols playing 'God Save the Queen' right at the Queen's face, or Brad Pitt refusing to fight the Trojans. I'm not against the establishment, Joey - the establishment paid me a lot of money over the years and never once asked me to do anything that I wouldn't have done."

"After all, what's the point of a revolution of any type if you're ranting about it to the same twenty guys every night who agree with you already?"

"You were the establishment, Joey. Southern - style wrestlers with the top rope rule and women who were either too fat or too skinny to do much of anything except be there. McGinnis and I walked into your backyard and said 'No, no, and no' - and they listened to us."

"Did they ever listen to you?"

"Did you ever wonder why McGinnis never showed up in one of those ridiculous sequined dresses, or why I was never asked to self - censor?"

"We were the establishment, Joey, because we became the establishment and then overcame it."

"Yes, we. I couldn't have made it this far without McGinnis, and she couldn't have made it this far without me. I trusted her to handle the business end of things and she trusted me to wrestle well enough to keep us in the spotlight so she could be herself."

"Once the industry saw that the women involved didn't need to be exactly like your gold-digging sister, that's when her rocket was truly launched, and I couldn't be happier for her. She's been my best friend for nearly twenty years and she earned everything she had."

"Seems to be a running theme here, huh?"

"So what's this all really about, Joe? Bitterness over the fact that it's been twelve hours since you signed your name to the Ultratitle and nobody's really given it a second thought, while the initial hype was completely built on my involvement, two full days before I signed mine?"

"Anticipation on a one on one match that can take place indoors instead of a torrential downpour, so you can leave your little yellow rain slicker at home?"

"Or are you just hoping to avenge your ex-wife's name in the hopes that she'll let you sniff her undies one more time? Reminding yourself that you're the man while discreetly ignoring the bored look in her eyes?"

"But what this is really about is your challenge, that you'll graciously give me your number one seed and condescend to a number sixteen, just so we can wrestle in the first round."

"Hah."

"No, Joey. You don't get to dictate what happens here: this isn't your story, remember?"

"As I understood it, this is a random seeding, so opponents will come wherever they come and we'll have to make the best of it. If the coordinators want to modify the rules to put you and I against each other in the first round, then that's super awesome too. But if they decide to seed based on skill, reputation, and chances of winning, I certainly wouldn't put you at number one. Wouldn't put myself there, either. Extrapolating sixty four entrants from the ones we have already, I'd put myself somewhere around number four - because I'm still the Ninja, remember - and I'd put you..."

"Thirteen. Maybe fourteen if Cameron is in your division."

"I just don't care enough about you to really push for it, Joey. Your attempts to get my attention are beneath you, and thanks to the sum total of your career for the past ten years, I see through you."

"Or is it really just about insecurity, Joe? The fact that your attempts to change with the times made you more and more of a joke, while my success at staying myself while staying current made me a bigger star in this sport than you could've ever hoped? The same insecurity that made you cling to my shirt like a codependent housewife when the NFW West sent us to Japan for All Star week, and made you do what you just did - try to paint me as a sanitized, corporatized vision of what a non-corporate player would look to the rest of the world for the other 49 weeks of the year?"

"Because the true measure of success in professional wrestling, Joey, isn't who made the most money, or who held the most titles, or who won the Ultratitle once, twice, or three times."

"That's why I'm looking at this as an opportunity, not a life or death struggle. Yet another difference between us."

"But the true measure of success is who made the fans cheer the loudest, for the longest. And in that regard, Joey... you're not even in my timezone."

"And you never... ever... were."

"So did I make the careers of my opponents bigger than my own would ever be? Maybe. Troy Windham is certainly a media gadfly, a bigger star outside the business than he is inside. Nova won the Ultratitle in 2007, an overwhelming favorite based off the victory he got over me. Deacon? Exactly."

"People remember the winners and losers in my matches, Joey."

"You?"

"Not so much."

"When the time comes to actually write the final chapters of these books that all of us old men apparently plan on writing, Joey... even if you win the 2012, it won't erase chicken fights, it won't erase the World Junior Junior Title, it won't erase your semi - mongoloid twin brother, and it won't erase the round table discussion at the Piggly Wiggly that led into you doing what you've always done for twenty plus years: put over the real star of the CSWA."

"And even if I lose here in 2012, it won't erase the Stairway to Hell against Nova, the Barbed Wire matches with Kevin Powers and Donaven Winters, the series of matches with Sean Stevens so epic that they put them all out on DVD without any filler... Deacon. The Frenchie. Jon Crisp. Vic Creed. Troy Windham."

"Every one of my matches from the past decade was an instant classic, Joey... and every one of yours caused a few more people to change the channel."

"They brought in a new Eliminator because they thought I was finished, Joey. He lasted approximately six more months after I came back."

"Did anyone even notice when you were gone?"

FADE

 

[The Great Eye]

(FADEIN: Doc Silver sitting at a table. He's got on bright orange "Garbage Version 2.0" t-Shirt.)

DOC: You're awful at this Joey...Just awful...You open up with the whole "Eli Flair totally sucks" speech, which is a classic for the evil bastard, I mean we all have to look down our noses at our opponents sometimes don't we now? But you start off with the whole beat down on Eli's career, how he just carried water and all the rest of it and let us all know he truly isn't an all time great, he's just a slob who happened to run into a few legends on their way up or maybe he got lucky enough to grace the ring with a few of them when they were on top.

Not that I really care about Eli...I'm two and 0 against the man and if we cross paths again, well, it's hat trick time...It's you who suck Joey...Cause after you give the big speech that Eli blows, you give away the game by calling him out in round 1...

If he sucked, then you tell us he sucks, and that he can't last as long as you in this thing, that when the brackets that have Eli Flair and Joey Melton finally intersect...You'll be the one still standing and Eli won't be anywhere to be seen...

And there's a reason why you did that Joey...It's cause you know you won't be there when the time comes, you're the one who's so unsure of himself that you need a high profile match in round 1...You want to go out on your sword fighting Eli Flair cause if you beat him in round 1, you called your shot, you're playing with house money the rest of the way...If you lose to dear old Eli...Then you get to tell the world you fought one of the best and came up a little short and all that big talk you had before the tournament was just hype to build up a match and blah blah blah...

You're looking for an ending, same as me, same as Eli...Old folks don't have much besides endings in this business...You want to hope that win or lose you can stand in the middle of that ring and the crowd will give you the "Thank you" chant and then you can soak in that one last ovation, that one last moment in the sun...You just want it to matter to have meaning...You don't want some kid from some league you never heard of mopping the floor with you while the color team says "It's a shame to see Joey Melton go out like this." so you want it to be at Eli's hands...Not Eugene Dewey, not Spooky Doom, not Go-Go Spectacular...You want somebody you know and have history with to be the man, or woman, that puts you down...

Well good luck getting that Joey...Cause this world isn't about justice or getting what you want, it's about fighting and clawing and kicking till you finally get it, and if you come up short, they might mourn for you for a little while, but the world moves on without you...

As for me, whatever the ping-pong balls decide, I'll accept it...I know that it won't be long before the chaff is culled and only the wheat remains...I expect everyone I get in the ring with to be more than capable of ending my career...

And that's the fun of it all, one last glorious event...One more chance at greatness...If we do cross paths Joey...Then we'll have a war that'll leave them talking for years...But in the end one of us will move on...And one of us will end up walking away from the business...Nothing left but a memory...Either way, it won't bring me much joy...Cause you know me Joey...

I'm only happy when it rains...

(Smiles...FADEOUT)

 

[Steve]

(FADEIN: Joey Melton in front of a ULTRATITLE backdrop.)

MELTON: Oh, please you big dope.

You “wrestled.”

You ignored the “nonsense” and put people over. Don’t try to play yourself as the hero here because you’re a one-dimensional, beaten down, nerf herder who got stuck like a scratched record. I applaud you Eli, I really do. You turned getting the hell beat out of you into an acceptable form of talent. You NEEDED people to carry you in the ring.

Sure with a Windham, Randalls, or some other big bear you could just beat the **** out of each other and fans ate it up. But you were always lost against me. You weren’t sure what to do. Frankly, with as much traffic as I have to direct in the ring between us, I should just work for a ****ing airport.

Happy landings. Happy little landings that’s all I wanted between us. Just carry Eli for 15 minutes and move to the next city.

You “wrestled.” Phift. I watched dozens of you over the years sit in the back and turn your foreheads into a Lifetime Saturday Night Movie.

“The Secret Cutters.”

But while you “wrestled...”

I ****ing brought creativity back into the business.

I’m supposed to be ashamed of the chicken fights? Or the lasso of truth?

Hell no. I’m proud of that ****. Come on, Flair. You played one note your whole career. And some people got wood listening to it, but hey, some people also thought Michael Jackson was black, so there’s a handful in every bunch…

People still talk about NFW Season 1. The DVDs sell. Pick the best ten moments from that season, how many times do you get mentioned? I made that season Flair. Even a blind man can see to this day I was robbed.

But Shane Southern was a company man. Great kid, you know, dumb as a box of rocks but I guess it was his time. If a company wants an illiterate, drug addict who is banned in some states for his animal husbandry, so be it. Personally, after that point you have to wonder about the men writing the checks, but yes, poor Joey Melton, no he may not have ‘wrestled’ he may not have taken a cheese grater to his head but he walked away the star of the show.

And hasn’t that been the case for years now Flair?

You don’t have to wait for the ‘80s to come back.

I’m right here.

That’s right. I opened a Piggy Wiggly a few months back. I’m supposed to be ashamed of that too? Have you seen their Easter specials? Where else can you get a leg of lamb for .95cents a lb? No, maybe that’s your style. Maybe you’re too good for a small, hick, grocery store but poor people need to believe in something better too Flair.

We can’t all wrestle MSG every month. The United Center has previous engagements from time to time. But HORNET and I packed that place so full the Fire Marshall didn’t **** right for weeks. People went home happy, Eli. And not just because Pepsi products were available at a ridiculous price. But because they were entertained.

I’ve won World Titles in two height classes. Can you say the same?

No, in Eli Flair’s Aryan world we’re supposed to look down on little people, give them an office job where they push buttons and go home at night and feel proud because, “we made them feel like real people, just like us.”

**** that Flair.

They’re oddities.

They know it.

You know it.

I know it.

Good people, yes.

Hard workers, yes.

Not to be trusted around personal belongings, yes.

But they’re oddities.

But aren’t we all.

I created a company that once killed a midget on live TV because Chad Merritt wanted to turn “A Few Good Men” into his ****ing Rosebud. I didn’t dress Adrian up like a Power Ranger or shoot him out of a cannon before my matches (damn I can’t believe I missed that one…), I wrestled him fair and square.

Did I almost break his back from a powerbomb off the diving board on a Cruise ship?

Yes.

But my God the heat we drew together that trip was insane.

I cherished the World Junior title.

I’m supposed to say that it was ‘beneath’ me, but I loved it as much as I did the EPW World title. Why? Because Adrian was a hell of a wrestler who could actually work with me in-ring. We made a killing together.

So, no you irritant I won’t apologize for creating Adrian Evans. You keep him locked up pushing buttons, you know, whatever you think is right, but animals shouldn’t be kept in cages and let’s not act as if we BOTH know he hasn’t been on probation for being a little handsy with Poison Ivy. Yes, it’s a good idea to help the wee ones on paper, but when they’ve got a handful of tits, and harbor dreams of a move South of the Border, how does it look if you fire them?

And Cameron Cruise.

Cameron Cruise couldn’t draw ***** with his looks and a 10 inch dick when he started with me. He was nothing.

Good kid?

Yes.

Solid worker?

Yes.

Good eater?

Yes.

Completely unaware that I was having a torrid affair with his wife behind his back?

Yes.

But dammit the kid had a heart of gold Eli.

And now look at him.

He’s all growed up.

You don’t look past Cameron Cruise on the street anymore.

You may not give him a second look, but you notice he’s there. And I won’t apologize for creating that star, either.

Yes, I’m Mr. Lindsay Troy.

I’ll gladly get under her any day of the week. My word what a Philly. We’ve heard so much from you and yours about what Lindsay Troy can’t do. But let me tell you what she can do.

She can give a blow job that’ll make your eyes pop out of your head. What a worker. In bed, and out.

No, I kid.

I loved Lindsay Troy at one time.

If I’m honest with myself, I still do.

The biggest mistake I’ve ever made wasn’t being ‘creative’ in ring. It wasn’t being in a wheel chair, or running with Calvin Carlton. It was not marrying Troy when I had the chance.

But, if you’re old and alive, you have regrets.

Lindsay Troy was a great star in this business.

But was she ever better than she was when she was with me?

I don’t think so, Flair.

You can say I’m old, that I can’t deny.

But when you try to rewrite history and say the sport has forgotten me. Flair, you just become a bigger liar that I thought you were to begin with.

I’m over for Life Eli, and at this point I don’t even have to try anymore. But what should worry you is when I walk into the ULTRATITLE and take one last run at it. You were never in my league, and you never will be.

But that’s ok. We love all shades of colors here, even the dull ones.

You say there’s been better to carry the CSWA World title. Has there Eli? Really? Really? Maybe it’s just luck the first is still the most relevant.

And now Doc Silver….

Who the **** pulled your string?

You lazy, fat bastard. If I have to hear that you’re only happy when it rains one more ****ing time, I’ll stomp on an ant hill I really will.

About all you’ve got is a set of ping pong balls, because God knows you don’t have the real stones to win this tournament.

You’ve spent your whole career trying to get into the doors I opened. I don’t think its calling my shot to say I’ll beat Flair. Hell, I’ve done it for decades.

Doc, I’ll admit it. I kinda like you. I always have. Even if you were the recommendation on Michael Manson’s resume that led me to hire him. I remember the young hot head you used to be. Paranoid and hiding in closets, worried about what management had in store for you.

Actually, that’s about all I remember.

Seriously where the **** have you been for years?

 

[User Poets]

"Sure, Joey."

"Whatever you need to tell yourself to get through the night."

"Me, I've never slept better."

 

[LQJT86C]

(CUTTO: PETER WINDHAM sitting in front of a half-eaten grilled cheese sandwich and a quarter-glass of Five Alive. He takes his phone out of his pocket and starts dialing)

PW: (waiting) ... Hi, 1996? Yeah, it's Pete Windham. Remember that thread you were missing? I think I found it!

(Fade)

 

[Stalker]

(Fade in, EPW Banner. Jason Reeves standing in front of it.)

Stalker: F*ck the UltraTitle. You wanna really get sh*t going? Come to EPW or NFW and challenge me............................ B*TCHES.

(Fade out.)

 

[LQJT86C]

(CUTTO: The Year 2004, also eating a grilled cheese, on the phone)

2004: Yeah hi, Pete Windham? That was my thread. For future reference, PLEASE double-check the name on the poster before you start making phone calls. Thank you!

(Fade)

 

[DBrunkGXW]

DAN RYAN: Man, I miss the old days when Eli Flair, Joey Melton and Doc Silver were trash talking each other all day, every day. If only I had been around back in the mid-90s.

Wait...

Um...

Sorry.

Also, can't wait to see Anarky. I heard he's still only like 30 years old. Apparently he took a dip in the Lazarus Pits about ten years ago and stopped aging.

 

[TH]

GOP: Well, if Troy Windham's time was up in 1896, then Melton, yours was up sometime before the end of the 100 Years' War. Seriously, were you there when Fort Duquesne became Fort Pitt? Judging by the rotten pheasant and chestnuts on your breath, I think so. I think I'll spare you the death panel, have you dipped in lucite and put you right in the Smithsonian.

This message has been approved by the Phantom Republican for ULTRATITLE '12 campaign