fugginVOSS
The REAL Funk U. T-shirt
(FADEIN: On a locker room. It’s no stand out or anything, just a plain old locker room. If cameras could transmit the scents you’d smell muscle ointments and probably jock straps. The sweat of wrestling-match-past would creep out of your TV if we were able to create Smell-o-Vision.
(Now there’s a technology nobody is looking forward to... Especially you porn addicts.)
(Unless that’s ya thing. Creep.)
(Standing in the centre of the locker room, hands in pockets, looking almost broody as he eye balls the camera minus one the trademark shit eating grin was JUSTIN VOSS. Self-proclaimed former Asshole Extraordinaire. Formerly known to the professional wrestling world as J. Leslie Voss. Looking like the shell of his former self all shades of grey-like.)
(A boom mic accidentally bobs down into the shot and out again but Voss doesn’t pay it no mind. He pulls one hand out of his pocket, coughs into it, then stuffs back in deep.)
JUSTIN VOSS: “Hello, ULTRATITLE™ fans. My name is Justin Voss. Most of the people watching this might not be familiar with me. Might not be familiar with my career. That’s how this business works.
“Some of you guys just focus on the left hand while the right hand keeps moving. Some of you like watching those fellers in Japan and the other like watching people bash each other’s brains out with steel chairs in Philly.
“Some of you prefer a cleaner, more wholesome product you can take your children to.
“I’ve wandered through plenty of wrestling circles so this face might be familiar to you and it also might mean s[censored]t to you. Even if you DID recognise it. Most of what I’m probably going to talk about might mean nothing to you at all... even if you know who I am you probably never gave a s[censored]t about anything I had to say and it probably won’t change today. But I’m gonna go ahead anyway and waffle on so you know where your remote is. You might be able to catch a re-run of Everybody Loves Raymond.
“But if you ARE going to do that at least TiVo this and watch it during summer programming. God knows they’ll put anything on in the summer.
"S[censored]t, they’d probably replace Charlie Sheen with Ashton Kutcher or something.”
(Voss smirks at the camera, pulling his hands out of his pockets so he can begin to use them as he speaks.)
JUSTIN VOSS: “A lot of people recently have been surprised about how I’ve been behaving since I made my return at INFINITE Wrestling. A lot of people have looked at me with some concern since I’ve made a complete about face on who I was as a wrestling personality.
“You see, these are the trials and tribulations of a man who is trying to repent for his sins. These are the hurdles for a man who’s done everything he could to abuse your trust yet to come back from hiatus and ask for it.”
(He shrugs at the camera.)
JUSTIN VOSS: “People have been coming up to me and sayin’: Is this for real? Is all this act for real or are you gonna turn around and b[censored]h slap us with some big swerve like ya always have?
“I can honestly say, from the bottom of my heart, the man you see before you today is not the same man you remember on your television screens. It is not the same man who would lie, steal, cheat, maim, whatever.... you’re lookin’ at a different dude. You’re lookin’ at a completely different guy.”
(He points off into the distance somewhere, like he was pinpointing a spot in history.)
JUSTIN VOSS: “The J. Leslie Voss you all knew and hated, that despicable, low-down, sonofab[censored]h is no longer. He’s dead and buried.
“The man you see before you, in two thousand and twelve, is a man who has found his true self. A man whose taken a long hard look in the mirror and when he saw the monster that was looking back at him... when he saw that asshole staring back at him with that s[censored]t eating grin across his face and that yellow streak up and down his spine he KNEW that things had to change.”
(He lowers that pointer, slowly nodding to the camera with a sincerity those who’d known might never have seen before.)
JUSTIN VOSS: “When I told my wife I wanted to get back inside the wrestling ring she begged me and pleaded with me not to do it. She KNEW what I was like. She KNEW how me being that asshole affected her. She KNEW how it affected the kids. She told me if I wanted to comeback to go and sit in the announce booth or just go back to training guys again.”
(He shakes his head, raises a finger and waggles it, Mutombo style, to punctuate that shaking noggin.)
JUSTIN VOSS: “That ain’t me. I couldn’t grab myself a crown, sit behind an announce table, judge bra-and-panties matches and feud with celebrities. That’s not me. That’ll never be me. I don’t have it in me because I’m a competitor.
“I know what a lot of you are thinkin’ when you hear me referring to myself as a competitor. You’re thinking there ain’t a day in that man’s life he’s ever fought a fair fight.”
(More shrugging.)
JUSTIN VOSS: “And you’re right. I never did. And to most of you, you probably think I never will. But all that’s changed now.
“Yeah, I’m speaking all these words, ranting on about how I’ve found my own personal wrestling Jesus but things truly HAVE changed, man. I’m not that asshole anymore. I’m not that guy who’d cheat his way to victory. I’m not that guy who’d twist things his way. I’m not the guy who would manipulate the masses to get what he wanted.
“I’m NOT that GUY anyMORE!
“A lot of people came to me in the last few days asking why the ULTRATITLE™? Why would I sign up in the ULTRATITLE™ tournament?”
(Pausing, for dramatic effect, Voss shifted his stance as if he were about to deliver the bomb.)
JUSTIN VOSS: “What better place to prove to the world, to prove to all of you...” (points down the barrel of the camera) “...then to rebuild myself with a clean slate? You need good solid foundations to rebuild upon and part of that requires the perfect location. A location that stands the test of time as a proving ground and that’s EXACTLY what I plan on doing in this tournament.
“PROVE myself. Prove myself to ALL you fans that I have changed. That I’m not the asshole I used to be. That I’m a man of values and a man of heart. I’m a respectful man that can compete in that ring and abide by it’s laws. RESPECT... it’s laws. Show some respect to my opponent.”
(He runs his hand down the length of his face, like he were fighting the fact he could feel there were non-believers watching on.)
JUSTIN VOSS: “What better place to rebuild one’s career than the tournament of tournaments. The Holy Grail, if you will, of professional wrestling.
“A stage where men have planted their feet in the history books and delivered a big f[censored]k you to the rest of their business for the sheer fact they could stand the heat. That they could go one-on-one with the rest of the wrestling world and stand tall as it’s master. Be the ULTRATITLE™ Champion.
“I’m participating in this ULTRATITLE™ tournament as a man willing to repent for the sins he has committed to professional wrestling and beg your forgiveness by proving to you, the fans, I can do it off my own back. I can do it with my blood, sweat and tears.
“I can do it.”
(He raises a defiant fist to the camera.)
JUSTIN VOSS: “And I can do it for all the right reasons for a change.
“And I will.”
(FTB)
(Now there’s a technology nobody is looking forward to... Especially you porn addicts.)
(Unless that’s ya thing. Creep.)
(Standing in the centre of the locker room, hands in pockets, looking almost broody as he eye balls the camera minus one the trademark shit eating grin was JUSTIN VOSS. Self-proclaimed former Asshole Extraordinaire. Formerly known to the professional wrestling world as J. Leslie Voss. Looking like the shell of his former self all shades of grey-like.)
(A boom mic accidentally bobs down into the shot and out again but Voss doesn’t pay it no mind. He pulls one hand out of his pocket, coughs into it, then stuffs back in deep.)
JUSTIN VOSS: “Hello, ULTRATITLE™ fans. My name is Justin Voss. Most of the people watching this might not be familiar with me. Might not be familiar with my career. That’s how this business works.
“Some of you guys just focus on the left hand while the right hand keeps moving. Some of you like watching those fellers in Japan and the other like watching people bash each other’s brains out with steel chairs in Philly.
“Some of you prefer a cleaner, more wholesome product you can take your children to.
“I’ve wandered through plenty of wrestling circles so this face might be familiar to you and it also might mean s[censored]t to you. Even if you DID recognise it. Most of what I’m probably going to talk about might mean nothing to you at all... even if you know who I am you probably never gave a s[censored]t about anything I had to say and it probably won’t change today. But I’m gonna go ahead anyway and waffle on so you know where your remote is. You might be able to catch a re-run of Everybody Loves Raymond.
“But if you ARE going to do that at least TiVo this and watch it during summer programming. God knows they’ll put anything on in the summer.
"S[censored]t, they’d probably replace Charlie Sheen with Ashton Kutcher or something.”
(Voss smirks at the camera, pulling his hands out of his pockets so he can begin to use them as he speaks.)
JUSTIN VOSS: “A lot of people recently have been surprised about how I’ve been behaving since I made my return at INFINITE Wrestling. A lot of people have looked at me with some concern since I’ve made a complete about face on who I was as a wrestling personality.
“You see, these are the trials and tribulations of a man who is trying to repent for his sins. These are the hurdles for a man who’s done everything he could to abuse your trust yet to come back from hiatus and ask for it.”
(He shrugs at the camera.)
JUSTIN VOSS: “People have been coming up to me and sayin’: Is this for real? Is all this act for real or are you gonna turn around and b[censored]h slap us with some big swerve like ya always have?
“I can honestly say, from the bottom of my heart, the man you see before you today is not the same man you remember on your television screens. It is not the same man who would lie, steal, cheat, maim, whatever.... you’re lookin’ at a different dude. You’re lookin’ at a completely different guy.”
(He points off into the distance somewhere, like he was pinpointing a spot in history.)
JUSTIN VOSS: “The J. Leslie Voss you all knew and hated, that despicable, low-down, sonofab[censored]h is no longer. He’s dead and buried.
“The man you see before you, in two thousand and twelve, is a man who has found his true self. A man whose taken a long hard look in the mirror and when he saw the monster that was looking back at him... when he saw that asshole staring back at him with that s[censored]t eating grin across his face and that yellow streak up and down his spine he KNEW that things had to change.”
(He lowers that pointer, slowly nodding to the camera with a sincerity those who’d known might never have seen before.)
JUSTIN VOSS: “When I told my wife I wanted to get back inside the wrestling ring she begged me and pleaded with me not to do it. She KNEW what I was like. She KNEW how me being that asshole affected her. She KNEW how it affected the kids. She told me if I wanted to comeback to go and sit in the announce booth or just go back to training guys again.”
(He shakes his head, raises a finger and waggles it, Mutombo style, to punctuate that shaking noggin.)
JUSTIN VOSS: “That ain’t me. I couldn’t grab myself a crown, sit behind an announce table, judge bra-and-panties matches and feud with celebrities. That’s not me. That’ll never be me. I don’t have it in me because I’m a competitor.
“I know what a lot of you are thinkin’ when you hear me referring to myself as a competitor. You’re thinking there ain’t a day in that man’s life he’s ever fought a fair fight.”
(More shrugging.)
JUSTIN VOSS: “And you’re right. I never did. And to most of you, you probably think I never will. But all that’s changed now.
“Yeah, I’m speaking all these words, ranting on about how I’ve found my own personal wrestling Jesus but things truly HAVE changed, man. I’m not that asshole anymore. I’m not that guy who’d cheat his way to victory. I’m not that guy who’d twist things his way. I’m not the guy who would manipulate the masses to get what he wanted.
“I’m NOT that GUY anyMORE!
“A lot of people came to me in the last few days asking why the ULTRATITLE™? Why would I sign up in the ULTRATITLE™ tournament?”
(Pausing, for dramatic effect, Voss shifted his stance as if he were about to deliver the bomb.)
JUSTIN VOSS: “What better place to prove to the world, to prove to all of you...” (points down the barrel of the camera) “...then to rebuild myself with a clean slate? You need good solid foundations to rebuild upon and part of that requires the perfect location. A location that stands the test of time as a proving ground and that’s EXACTLY what I plan on doing in this tournament.
“PROVE myself. Prove myself to ALL you fans that I have changed. That I’m not the asshole I used to be. That I’m a man of values and a man of heart. I’m a respectful man that can compete in that ring and abide by it’s laws. RESPECT... it’s laws. Show some respect to my opponent.”
(He runs his hand down the length of his face, like he were fighting the fact he could feel there were non-believers watching on.)
JUSTIN VOSS: “What better place to rebuild one’s career than the tournament of tournaments. The Holy Grail, if you will, of professional wrestling.
“A stage where men have planted their feet in the history books and delivered a big f[censored]k you to the rest of their business for the sheer fact they could stand the heat. That they could go one-on-one with the rest of the wrestling world and stand tall as it’s master. Be the ULTRATITLE™ Champion.
“I’m participating in this ULTRATITLE™ tournament as a man willing to repent for the sins he has committed to professional wrestling and beg your forgiveness by proving to you, the fans, I can do it off my own back. I can do it with my blood, sweat and tears.
“I can do it.”
(He raises a defiant fist to the camera.)
JUSTIN VOSS: “And I can do it for all the right reasons for a change.
“And I will.”
(FTB)
