jediPREZ
Shadowboss
(FADEIN: 'COCKY' CRAIG MILES is sitting at a bar somewhere in North Carolina. He's got six or seven Sake shots lined up in a row. He's wearing a white Hanes t-shirt, black leather pants, no shoes and yellow tinted Oakleys...MILES starts slapping himself in the face...)
MILES: (after last slap) "TSUNAAAAMI! (takes a shot) TSUUUUUNAMI! (takes a shot) TSUUUUUUUUUUNAMIIIII! (takes a shot) YE-OWWWWW! (MILES slams the shot glass on the table and swivels around almost falling off his barstool in the process) Well, hey there kids! Yuk, Yuk and welcome to the FIRST installement of the highly-anticipated, critically acclaimed (in announcer voice) LESSONS TO LIVE LIKE A PROFESSIONAL!"
"You'll have to excuse me, but over the last few weeks I've become horribly bored here in North Carolina seeing as how THERE'S NOTHING TO (BLEEP!)'IN DO! But lo and behold, just the other night I was informed by CRAP(BLEEP) SH(BLEEP) WRESTLING ASSOCIATION that my services will be required in New Orleans. (MILES pauses for a moment and grins widely) HEY! HEY! MARRRRRRRDI GRRRRRAHHH! WOOO! Anyway, I'm here at this bar at 6:30 in the morning to obviously prepared for the biggest challenge of my career as a Professional. I mean, in just one week I'll be standing across from a bunch of young punks lookin' to take me out. What am I talking about? GETTING DRUNK WITH COLLEGE KIDS IN NEW ORLEANS! WOOOOO! (MILES almost falls of the stool in excitement) So for the next week, I'll be hear at this dive at dawn turning my liver into GRADE TRIPLE A - AMERICAN STEEL! Which brings us to our first lesson...HOW TO GET DRUNK LIKE A PROFESSIONAL!"
(MILES slides around on the barstool, as the picture changes to looking at MILES from behind the bar. He's got three empty shot glasses, but fills them up from his Sake flask - once again having a full row of shots in front of him. MILES looks left and right down the rows, takes a deep breath...)
MILES: "TSUUUUUUUUUUNAMEEEEEEEEEYAH! (takes a shot) WOOOOO! Now, can we get a slo-mo replay of that?"
(CUTTO: Slo-mo replay - MILES screaming like a wild baboon. MILES V/O: "The first thing to do when getting drunk like a Professional is to use loud volume to psyche yourself up. This can be attained via jukebox or your own voicebox. If using a jukebox, all music made after 1975 should be dismissed as material. In fact, the only music allowed should have loud guitars and no synthesizers." CUTTO: Slo-mo replay - MILES grabbing the shot glass with a wild-eyed look in his face and slamming it down his throat in one motion. MILES V/O: "ALWAYS, and I repeat...ALWAYS use your left hand. Also, you are only allowed ONE GULP. Any sort of sipping action or gagging disqualifies you from looking cool - therefore it's UN-PROFESSIONAL." CUTTO: Slo-mo replay - MILES slamming down the shot glass with a look of conquering an empire on his face and then a huge howl. MILES V/O: "We all have our signature trademark finisher, mine's the Jean Claude Van Dam - Bloodsport face with a little Flair for the Gold." CUTTO: Back to regular camera from behind the bar...)
MILES: "Ready? Let's do this together. ONE. TWO. TSUUUUUUUUNAMI! (takes a shot) WOOOOOOOOO! Alright, alright! Now, some of you that actually watch U-62 and are obviously UN-PROFESSIONAL in the first place, but are probably saying 'Craig, don't you have a match against The New Suicide Squad? And shouldn't you be preparing for them?' And to you I say - DON'T (BLEEP!)'IN CALL ME CRAIG! YOU (BLEEP)'IN GOT THAT 'YA RAT BASTARD! Refer to me as MR. MILES, SUPREME SAKI SHOOTER or SIR. Only Eddie Mayfield can address me as Craig 'cause frankly he's a PROFESSIONAL (pauses) and you're not. As for TSUUUUUUUNAMI! (takes a shot) WOOOO! Excuse me. As for Tsunami and Johnny Lang, by the way I really dig the guitar work - let's face it...if the Original Suicide Squad wasn't fit to smell the sweat off my jock strap, what are the odds that the New Suicide Squad are? I mean we all know the sequel is never better than the original. Sure, the special effects get better - you might even pull in that young hotshot blues guitarist to bring in some ladies, not that 'Nami knows how to put in the hole. But as evidenced on the last show, THE PROFESSIONALS could (BLEEP) on a stick, smoke a cigarette, chat with the Primetime girls while whipping the tag champs' (BLEEP)ES and still have time left over to give some PROFESSIONAL mic-work (pauses) something this place desperately needs. So, Lang...TSUUUUUUUUUNAMI! (takes a shot) WOOOOOOO! It's all comin' to a head in N'Awlins and we're gonna pah-tay PRO-FESSIONAL STYLE! WOOOOO! TSUUUUUUUUUNAMI! (takes a shot) WOOOOOOOOOO! Those college kids are mine - YO JACK! BRING OUT 'DA JACK, MAN!" (FTB)
MILES: (after last slap) "TSUNAAAAMI! (takes a shot) TSUUUUUNAMI! (takes a shot) TSUUUUUUUUUUNAMIIIII! (takes a shot) YE-OWWWWW! (MILES slams the shot glass on the table and swivels around almost falling off his barstool in the process) Well, hey there kids! Yuk, Yuk and welcome to the FIRST installement of the highly-anticipated, critically acclaimed (in announcer voice) LESSONS TO LIVE LIKE A PROFESSIONAL!"
"You'll have to excuse me, but over the last few weeks I've become horribly bored here in North Carolina seeing as how THERE'S NOTHING TO (BLEEP!)'IN DO! But lo and behold, just the other night I was informed by CRAP(BLEEP) SH(BLEEP) WRESTLING ASSOCIATION that my services will be required in New Orleans. (MILES pauses for a moment and grins widely) HEY! HEY! MARRRRRRRDI GRRRRRAHHH! WOOO! Anyway, I'm here at this bar at 6:30 in the morning to obviously prepared for the biggest challenge of my career as a Professional. I mean, in just one week I'll be standing across from a bunch of young punks lookin' to take me out. What am I talking about? GETTING DRUNK WITH COLLEGE KIDS IN NEW ORLEANS! WOOOOO! (MILES almost falls of the stool in excitement) So for the next week, I'll be hear at this dive at dawn turning my liver into GRADE TRIPLE A - AMERICAN STEEL! Which brings us to our first lesson...HOW TO GET DRUNK LIKE A PROFESSIONAL!"
(MILES slides around on the barstool, as the picture changes to looking at MILES from behind the bar. He's got three empty shot glasses, but fills them up from his Sake flask - once again having a full row of shots in front of him. MILES looks left and right down the rows, takes a deep breath...)
MILES: "TSUUUUUUUUUUNAMEEEEEEEEEYAH! (takes a shot) WOOOOO! Now, can we get a slo-mo replay of that?"
(CUTTO: Slo-mo replay - MILES screaming like a wild baboon. MILES V/O: "The first thing to do when getting drunk like a Professional is to use loud volume to psyche yourself up. This can be attained via jukebox or your own voicebox. If using a jukebox, all music made after 1975 should be dismissed as material. In fact, the only music allowed should have loud guitars and no synthesizers." CUTTO: Slo-mo replay - MILES grabbing the shot glass with a wild-eyed look in his face and slamming it down his throat in one motion. MILES V/O: "ALWAYS, and I repeat...ALWAYS use your left hand. Also, you are only allowed ONE GULP. Any sort of sipping action or gagging disqualifies you from looking cool - therefore it's UN-PROFESSIONAL." CUTTO: Slo-mo replay - MILES slamming down the shot glass with a look of conquering an empire on his face and then a huge howl. MILES V/O: "We all have our signature trademark finisher, mine's the Jean Claude Van Dam - Bloodsport face with a little Flair for the Gold." CUTTO: Back to regular camera from behind the bar...)
MILES: "Ready? Let's do this together. ONE. TWO. TSUUUUUUUUNAMI! (takes a shot) WOOOOOOOOO! Alright, alright! Now, some of you that actually watch U-62 and are obviously UN-PROFESSIONAL in the first place, but are probably saying 'Craig, don't you have a match against The New Suicide Squad? And shouldn't you be preparing for them?' And to you I say - DON'T (BLEEP!)'IN CALL ME CRAIG! YOU (BLEEP)'IN GOT THAT 'YA RAT BASTARD! Refer to me as MR. MILES, SUPREME SAKI SHOOTER or SIR. Only Eddie Mayfield can address me as Craig 'cause frankly he's a PROFESSIONAL (pauses) and you're not. As for TSUUUUUUUNAMI! (takes a shot) WOOOO! Excuse me. As for Tsunami and Johnny Lang, by the way I really dig the guitar work - let's face it...if the Original Suicide Squad wasn't fit to smell the sweat off my jock strap, what are the odds that the New Suicide Squad are? I mean we all know the sequel is never better than the original. Sure, the special effects get better - you might even pull in that young hotshot blues guitarist to bring in some ladies, not that 'Nami knows how to put in the hole. But as evidenced on the last show, THE PROFESSIONALS could (BLEEP) on a stick, smoke a cigarette, chat with the Primetime girls while whipping the tag champs' (BLEEP)ES and still have time left over to give some PROFESSIONAL mic-work (pauses) something this place desperately needs. So, Lang...TSUUUUUUUUUNAMI! (takes a shot) WOOOOOOO! It's all comin' to a head in N'Awlins and we're gonna pah-tay PRO-FESSIONAL STYLE! WOOOOO! TSUUUUUUUUUNAMI! (takes a shot) WOOOOOOOOOO! Those college kids are mine - YO JACK! BRING OUT 'DA JACK, MAN!" (FTB)