[EPW vs. NAPW] Frankie Scott and Joey Melton vs. Kyle Roberts and Bruce Richards

[TH]

One fall to a finish. No time limit.

RP deadline is Wednesday, September 6th, 11:59:59 PM.

 

[Jago]

We fade up on a tight shot of a VHS tape stuck into the mouth of a VCR. The tape is marked:

TEAM Teaser Video
Tyrant Pictures​

A hand pushes the tape in and pushes play. The camera moves up to reveal a television screen. A wrestling match, shown in a grainy monochrome, plays at two-thirds speed. Royal blue lettering fades up over the match.

In Round One of the Dupree Cup, NAPW suffered a demoralizing loss when HAL beat Ravager in a tag match.​

Audio of the commentator fades in as HAL knocks Kyle Roberts off the ring apron and picks up Ravager for the Dominator. "Oh my god! The Control-Alt-Delete! Ravager's done! It's all over but the three-count!" The camera, still in grainy black and white, cuts to a stunned Roberts on the outside as the referee calls for the bell and announces HAL the winner.

Just when NAPW needed him the most, Ravager dropped the ball.​

Cut to Roberts staring out an airplane window. Audio of Chaos fades in. "After we send you down in defeat....the flight back in going to be really long and VERY...VERY QUIET!!!!" Kyle looks over across the aisle as the camera pans to Ravager, asleep.

So what happens when the odds are stacked against NAPW?
​

The camera pans back to the face of Kyle Roberts. The numb expression of defeat slowly morphs as Kyle's eyes crinkle into slits. The side of his mouth twitches as a frown transforms into a smirk. He chuckles.

They bring in the big guns.​

That's the last thing you see on the television, as it suddenly tips over onto the floor, propelled there by a large black wrestling boot. An imposing figure stands behind the sparking monitor, dressed in a black leather duster, a red button-up shirt, black leather pants, and his face semi-obscured by a gambler's hat. What you do see is a face contorted in anger, a grimace surrounded by a neatly-trimmed brown beard.

Kyle Roberts, dressed for success in a green suit and Tag Heuer sunglasses, crouches into the shot in front of his tag team partner.

"Yes, it's true. NAPW lost their first round of the Dupree Cup tournament. Kyle Roberts has his debut TEAM match, and gets a big stinkin' goose egg in the win column, all thanks to Ravager. But now Daddy's here to pick up the pieces. And we'll be starting with Frankie Scott and Joey Melton, both men with wins and Dupree Cup domination on their minds. Oh, man, it really sucks to be you two. Because now we've got something to prove."

Kyle stands up, as the camera zooms in on the larger man. No, wait, my bad. He's rushing the camera and pie-faces the lens. We fade to black.

Bruce "The Beast" Richards.

Stylin' Kyle Roberts.

The New and Improved D-X.

Winning the Dupree Cup for NAPW. One match at a time.



Oh, it's on.​

 

[Bruce Richards]

(Scene opens on Bruce Richards, sitting on a park bench in the middle of a bizarre looking concrete-covered park. It’s Sir Winston Churchill Square, smack dab in the middle of downtown Edmonton. Some call it an eyesore, others a landmark. There’s a row of trees to the east, casting shadows over some picnickers relaxing on this sunny afternoon. To the west, a strange fountain and stage combination stands between the parkgoers and the City Center mall complex. To the north is the pyramid-esque City Hall, its water fountain overflowing with chubby kids in swimsuits. And to the south stands the Stanley A. Milner Library. Bruce is sitting there in a maroon t-shirt that says “Rex Appeal” in white letters, blue jeans, black boots, and his black cowboy hat. He addresses the camera.)

BRUCE RICHARDS: Hello there. I’m Bruce Richards. Now, there’s been a bit of a shake-up in the NAPW’s organizational structure for the Dupree Cup, and it’s probably left quite a few of the representatives from EPW - and their fans - a little confused. Let me try and explain a few things.

First of all, “The Nexus One” Rex Caliber has retired. The world of professional wrestling has lost a hell of a competitor, a class act, a man who loved wrestling with everything he had to offer. But he’s got more than himself to think about now; he’s got a little boy to take care of, and he wants to make sure he’s around whenever his son needs him. I’m not going to fault Rex for that; he’s a close friend, and I know that he only does what’s right. Having said that: he has left a hole in NAPW’s team. And that’s where I come in. I’ve made my presence known here already, but to reiterate: I’m here to kick this team in the ass. I’m here to get the job done. I’m here to get that Cup for NAPW, one match at a time.

But that’s not all. Team NAPW’s “beloved” leader, Bob Ravager, has had to drop out of competition this week. Now I asked Bob what could possibly have caused him to be unavailable for this event. His response? He’s moving. You see, he was in a match with D! on Tuesday - you remember D!, right? Short, stocky, emo, onelettersaidrealloud, Champion of Champions? - and the loser was required to leave their neighborhood. Guess who won?

Now, I don’t buy Bob’s “moving” excuse for one minute. Oh sure, it’s the beginning of September, a hard time to find a new apartment, what with all the students flocking to town to start their degrees at the U of A. But really? I think he’s ashamed to show his face. Losing two matches in less than two days will do that to a guy. It’s no secret that Bob Ravager’s no friend to Kyle and me, and we sure do love giving him a hard time. But after a week to recover and re-strategize, I think you’ll see a new man. A man more in line with what needs to be done to claw our way to the top.

Ravager’s replacement is “The Lemondrop Kid” Lloyd Rees. This is the kid that’s taking NAPW by storm. Three-time Provincial Champion, #1 contender for the NAPW Heavyweight Title, and one hell of a heavy drinker. You might find it a ltitle hard to understand what he’s saying - the Newfie accent’s hard to crack - but when he gets in the ring, he will get his point across, no miscommunication. But that’s not who I’m here to talk about today. No sir.

With Bob Ravager gone, who’s going to be the new Team Captain? Now while “Bruce Richards, NAPW Captain” has a nice ring to it, I know better than to hog the spotlight. That’s why I’m happy the new captain is the only man I’d want for the job, other than me. The most entertaining man in the Western Hemisphere. The man who has retired three separate wrestlers, and has earned the title The Man With Blood On His Hands. My tag team partner, the four-time Tag Team Champion --

KYLE ROBERTS: (Rushing onscreen and grabbing Bruce by the shoulders.) Bruce! There you are! I've been running through the streets of downtown looking for you! Holy ****, I’m the Captain of NAPW? I’m the CAPTAIN?? What the hell was Bob thinking? I’m not qualified for this! I’ll crack under the pressure! I CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH, BRUCE!!!

BRUCE RICHARDS: (Sigh.) Ladies and gentlemen, Stylin’ Kyle Roberts.

KYLE ROBERTS: (Turns to the camera, wide-eyed, then turns back.) Are you filming the promo right now?

BRUCE RICHARDS: Kind of, yeah.

KYLE ROBERTS: (Snapping into cool and nonchalant mode.) Heeeeyyyy there, wrestling fans. You’re in for a real treat tonight. Because tonight’s film will feature the two most amazing men you’ll ever meet. Alfred Einstein and Abraham Lincoln? Hardly. Ghandi and Wayne Gretzky? Don’t make me laugh. Frank Sinatra and Michael J. Fox? Good guess, schlubbo but you’re WRONG AND YOU SHOULD STOP GUESSING! I’m talking about the Number One Tag Team in wrestling today, The New AND IMPROVED D-X, Bruce “The Beast” Richards and Stylin’ Kyle Roberts!

BRUCE RICHARS: (Under his breath.) Nice recovery.

KYLE ROBERTS: (Under his breath.) Thanks.

BRUCE RICHARDS: We come to you LIVE from the heart of Edmonton, Alberta, Canada. Now we know that some people, say, people from New York City, might think that this city is a little provincial. And sure, you’ve got over eight million people living in New York, living in their incredibly overpriced apartments.

KYLE ROBERTS: Hauling garbage away by the boatload.

BRUCE RICHARDS: Trying not to get mugged in the subway.

KYLE ROBERTS: Gee, Bruce, New York City sounds like a magical place! I bet the streets are crowded with fairies!

BRUCE RICHARDS: Nice pun.

KYLE ROBERTS: Pun?

BRUCE RICHARDS: The point is, sure, Edmonton’s a little out of New York’s league. But we do all right here. In fact, where we’re standing is the place where, not even two months ago, NAPW had it’s first ever Pay-Per-View. We made nation-wide news.

KYLE ROBERTS: Because of an AWESOME riot! Better than the stupid riots on Whyte Ave after the Oilers won a few games.

BRUCE RICHARDS: Kyle? Not helping.

KYLE ROBERTS: Right. Sorry.

BRUCE RICHARDS: This is the heart of NAPW’s city. A place where the best that NAPW had to offer worked like hell and bled all over the place, just because they love to entertain people. Just like any wrestler, anywhere. So really, when it comes right down to it, is there really much of a difference between Kyle or myself and Joey Melton?

KYLE ROBERTS: Uh, I can think of one.

BRUCE RICHARDS: What’s that?

KYLE ROBERTS: We’re going to have a win result! We’ve got the fire, we’ve got the passion, we’ve got the DESIRE to win.

BRUCE RICHARDS: (Sarcastically.) But Kyle! Joey Melton’s ever-so-famous! He’s nationally-renowned! He’s got a lunch box, for pete’s sake! A LUNCH BOX WITH HIS FACE ON IT!

KYLE ROBERTS: Joey Melton can take his lunch box and CRAM IT UP HIS ASS WITH WALNUTS! No, scratch that, he might like it too much. I hear the reason he uses the Figure Four is so he can get up close and personal with his opponents. I’ve got two words for Joey Melton: Joey Lawrence. He had a lunchbox too. Check out what I found at Value Village today! (Kyle holds up a Joey Lawrence lunchbox that's seen better days.) I picked it up for fifty cents! Hell, he even shares Melton’s first name, and that’s not all they have in common: they’re both jokes. Mark my words, Bruce, in ten years, Joey Melton’s going to be as dated a reference as Blossom’s older brother is today. Hell, I'd even say that at 41, Melton's been there, done that, no matter if there's "nothing his love can't fix for him, baby!" Whoops. My bad. I'm confusing the two. I can't understand why, since Melton's a lot older and uglier than Lawrence.

BRUCE RICHARDS: And Frankie Scott? We know we haven’t said anything about you yet, so you might think that we’re ignoring you. And we are. Seriously, based on your in-ring performance in Round One, as far as we’re concerned, you might as well not even exist.

KYLE ROBERTS: Does he even exist? Is he invisible? OOOH! He’s a ghost, isn’t he? I’ve never wrestled a ghost before.

BRUCE RICHARDS: Listen boys, we’re the New & Improved D-X. We’ve taken on bigger fish than you. We’re a team. As much as we might not get along with some of the other guys in Team NAPW -

KYLE ROBERTS: (cough)Bob Ravager(cough)

BRUCE RICHARDS: - when it comes to the two of us, we’re solid. You can’t break us. So prepare all you want, boys. Because when we step into the ring, we’re going to show you and the rest of the Dupree Cup contenders just why it’s a bad idea to underestimate NAPW.

KYLE ROBERTS: Bruce and I are the current NAPW tag team champions. We're also the four-time tag champs. Why? Sure, jerks would say it's because we lost three times. But you better recognize that we came back every time, bigger and better than ever! We were voted Tag Team of the Year by ENN! So what do you two nimrods bring to the party? Two victories over wrestling nobodies! You want to try a harder opponent? Get to steppin'! Because the New & Improved D-X is LEAGUES above you!

BRUCE RICHARDS: So, EPW, you'd better bring the best you've got. Last week? A setback because Ravager, while he managed to get himself in a room with three men who hate him without getting lynched, was mismanaging the team. Just like our illustrious commissioner, Joseph Winchell, mismanages NAPW. However, he knew the right person to lead the group of NAPW superstars -

KYLE ROBERTS: (Looking around.) God, I could really go for a hot dog right now. Where the hell's the Fat Frank wagon when you need it?

BRUCE RICHARDS: (Smirks and points his thumb as Roberts.) This guy. (Bruce turns to Kyle.) It's a block south and a block west.

KYLE ROBERTS: Honey ham smokies, here I come! Did you want anything, Bruce?

BRUCE RICHARDS: A Jalapeno and Cheddar, if you don't mind.

(Kyle rushes off in search of pure pork products as Bruce turns his attention back to the camera.)

BRUCE RICHARDS: Melton, Scott, you'd better come at us full tilt next week. Otherwise, you'll just be a casualty in our crusade to bring NAPW to new global heights. Once you two get Down and Dirty with the New & Improved D-X, you'll be slumping back to New York City with your tails between your legs, realizing that EPW has nothing on this little federation from Canada that could. Trust me on that.

(Bruce gets off the bench, and walks out of frame, leaving only the view of City Hall before we fade to black.)

 

[Phenomenal]

(Nothing appears on the video screen except a TEAM logo banner hanging on a brick wall and a homemade sign that says “Trips to Edmonton or Hell… Only 25 cents!” The camera focuses on the brickwall for what seems like an eternity. )

(Audio: Wind blowing and Ghosts howling in the background)

(A figure wearing a white sheet with two holes cut out where the eyes would be starts running around the interview area screaming and howling. The long white sheet flowing all around the camera. The person stops looks at the sign and then runs over and stands in front of the camera.)

"Edmonton...Hell... Same cesspool. Ha!"

“Roberts and Richards… Do you remember the times when you were younger and you didn’t want to go to bed because you were afraid what was under your bed or lurking in the closet? You would scream out in terror after knowing you had seen a shadow of what was coming after you. So, you would get your mommy or daddy to turn on the light and check all around the room. Then, you would beg for a glass of water just to prolong their stay in your room. As they calmed you down and turned out the lights, the unknown fear that consumed your mind would reappear…”

(The figure moves closer to the camera.)

“Fast forward to present time. As you have gotten older you have stuffed that fear deep down into your psyche. You knew that unknown fear would go away…until now! Your fears have resurfaced. This time there is no mommy or daddy to hide you away. You have to face it all on your own. It’s not in your head…not under your bed or even tucked away in a closet. Your worst physical and mental anguish is standing in front of you!”

(The shrouded figure pulls the sheet away to reveal “Phenomenal” Frankie Scott wearing a gray Joey Melton T-shirt and blue jeans.)

“The New and Improved D-X huh? What’s so NEW about you if you are 4 time Tag Champs? And what’s so IMPROVED… Your vocabulary? No, that couldn’t be it. Could it be your deodorant? I seriously doubt that one too. Nevermind… I don’t wanna know. All that I’m sure of is that name is the most unoriginal pile of stinking horse manure that I have ever heard of. I’m sure it just scares the teams that you go up against in that backyard organization that you call home.”

(Frankie reaches for a small red cooler that is out of camera shot. He opens it and pulls out a bottle of water. He takes a drink before resuming.)

“Four time NAPW World Tag Team Champions? I bet you have been on top of that grade school ladder for the last two school years haven’t you? The talent is obviously worse there than anywhere else. Telling people that you are champions in NAPW is like walking into the Coca-Cola Building with an RC Cola. Or telling NFL officials that the XFL was a success. So, you guys are telling Melton and I that you are on top of the NAPW world…give me a break. When you are winning titles in EPW or A1E, then you can boast all over town. Until then, shut your mouths!”
(Frankie takes another drink of water.)

“Now, let’s get into this video tape that Kyle Roberts made.”

(Laughs)

“Video tape? This is the 21st century. Ever heard of DVD’s? Oh.I forgot. You guys are still in the minor leagues. It being Alberta and all. Anyway...”


“NAPW suffered a demoralizing loss when HAL beat Ravager in a tag match”

“Nyahhh. Not demoralizing. Your team never stood a chance anyway.”
“ And how could it be demoralizing when you never had any morals in the first place.”

“So what happens when the odds are stacked against NAPW?”

“They fold like metal chairs and run into a dark corner like little toddler getting scolded for taking a cookie without asking… in hopes that no one will acknowledge their existence.”

“Just when NAPW needed him the most, Ravager dropped the ball”

“… Roberts, You don’t go in front of the camera and put down your teammates. No matter how much they suck. Let me tell you something.. And I quote. “He who be without suckiness…cast the first stone.”

(Audio: crickets chirping)

“Yeah, That’s what I thought. You could hear a pin drop.”


”Both men with wins and Dupree Cup domination on their minds.”
“No. It’s never been on our minds. When we signed our contracts to participate as a team for EPW, there was no wonder of domination. It was just a given. Leaving here without the Dupree Cup to place on Dan Ryan’s mantle is not an option. Anything is less will be considered a failure. EPW will not fail…especially to the likes of you.

”Sucks to be you. Oh it’s on.”

“See. This is what I am talking about. It’s on? We are NOT on some playground ready to ”throw down” on the others turf. I bet you two were picked last for team sports weren’t you? You two reek of juvenile delinquency.”

(Frankie finishes off the bottle of water and throws it near the cooler.)

“Enough about the video tape. Let’s finish up here. Richards. No one cares about who the new captain is or who the new janitor is at your school. The fans were never here to see NAPW. The mere three letters E-P-W bring people from miles around to see our show. You see… every name on our roster can headline a main event. And when our fans saw that “Phenomenal” Frankie Scott and Joey Melton were going to team up for the first time they were ecstatic. Even though we were facing an unoriginal junior high team from Canada. They still bought out the arena. No one cheers for a Kyle Roberts or a Bruce Richards…and they definitely do not cheer for a guy called “Lemondrop Kid” As for Ravager and Caliber… They left because they wised up and were NOT going to keep teaming with a bunch of canvas layers.”

(Frankie pulls out a Joey Melton lunchbox from his cooler.)

“So, this is what you were trying to use as a joke in reference to Joey Lawrence. Hmmm. Not funny. What IS funny is that Canada still sees Joey Lawrence as an acting genius. I admit that when he looks into the camera and says “Whoa!” That is still great. But, to compare the D level television star to the likes of Joey Melton is just proof that you two are one crayon short of a full box.”

“So, you guys are a TEAM and you are SOLID huh? I’ll even bet that you guys go to the bathroom together and your menstrual cycles are in the same week too. Voted Tag Team of the Year by ENN huh? Wow. Let me congratulate you on that.”

(Frankie applauds in a sarcastic manner)

“Seriously, who remembers that unless you tell them? A team that puts its win and loss record on everything they use. If you were a top flight team that was respected then you would never need to prove your won-loss record. You guys bring nothing to the table except for those pieces of faux leather wrapped in aluminum foil. And still, you bring nothing to the table. You want Melton and I to come at you FULL TILT? Don’t worry. We will obliterate you from the get go. The sound of the bell will be the last thing you hear. And you two will be the reason that NAPW is sent packing.”


Fade Out…

 

[Bruce Richards]

(Fade in. Bruce and Kyle are sitting on a couch in Kyle's apartment, watching television. Well, Bruce is watching; Kyle's fast asleep, snoring loudly. And what are they watching? Let's listen in...)

FRANKIE SCOTT: The sound of the bell will be the last thing you hear. And you two will be the reason that NAPW is sent packing.

BRUCE RICHARDS: (Elbows Kyle.) Kyle, wake up.

KYLE ROBERTS: (Snapping awake.) Guh! Get me away from those chickens!

BRUCE RICHARDS: Chickens?

KYLE ROBERTS: I was having a dream that we were fighting some tag team and then we won a Butterball turkey, but then I looked around and realized that the crowd was full of poultry, angry that we were going to feast on their brother.

BRUCE RICHARDS: Right.

KYLE ROBERTS: (Rubbing his eyes.) So, did I miss much?

BRUCE RICHARDS: You didn't watch it? I mean, I know it was boring, but still: it's our opponents' first volley.

KYLE ROBERTS: I tried to stay awake, Bruce, but I couldn't help it. I was nodding off the whole time.

BRUCE RICHARDS: Kyle, I'm embarrassed for you.

KYLE ROBERTS: Come on, we were watching nothing but a brick wall with a crappy handmade sign for what seemed like an ETERNITY. I mean, if Melton & Scott's plan is to BORE us into submission, I think they're well on their way. Yawn.

BRUCE RICHARDS: Did you catch ANY of it?

KYLE ROBERTS: Some.

BRUCE RICHARDS: And, what did you think?

KYLE ROBERTS: Well, when the ghost came out, I thought "Awesome! I'm finally going to wrestle some kind of ghost!" And then the sheet came off, and some kind of animatronic robot was underneath?

BRUCE RICHARDS: That was Frankie Scott, Kyle.

KYLE ROBERTS: So Frankie Scott's an android, huh? I guess that makes sense; any mere human would only be able to listen to Joey Melton flapping his gums for so long without trying to rip his head off of his tiny little body. I wish they hadn't rushed the job on him, though. He didn't really have very convincing emotions, but his face was pretty lifelike. Eerily lifelike.

BRUCE RICHARDS: I think that's a fair enough assessment. And how about the name cracks?

KYLE ROBERTS: Oh, he made fun of our name, did he? Oh gee, I guess we're DONE FOR, Bruce, because NOBODY has made fun of our names before! (To the camera.) Get real, Scott! Four-year olds on the playground who've got any degree of sense can make fun of our name. You're on the same level as someone who needs regular potty breaks so that they don't wet themselves. Bravo.

BRUCE RICHARDS: When we took this name, back when certain people were trying to make their fans forget all about The Original & Pathetic D-X, we knew we were going to get some heat for it. But there were a number of reasons we kept the name around. One reason was because that's what we strive to be: New and Improved. Constantly bringing new things to the table, working like hell to improve our skills, making our matches head and shoulders above the rest of the card. Sometimes, when we get good opponents, it's like magic it's so easy. Other times, like now...well, we're just going to have to work five times as hard to make this match a classic with you two around.

KYLE ROBERTS: But one of the other reasons we kept it around was as a barometer. To see what kind of people were in the teams that we were pitted against. If they stoop to the level of making fun of our name, we know the intellectual level of the guys we're up against. You want to get the chart out, Bruce?

BRUCE RICHARDS: Gladly. (Pulls out a chart and puts it on the table. It's brightly coloured, with very few distracting labels on it. There are four levels on it, with 1 on the bottom and 4 on the top.) As you can see, I've prepared some charts that will help to show just how low the guys in EPW rank on the "D-X Opponents" scale. Now, right here (uses a pointer to point to the #2, which has a zit-faced teenager with braces) is where most of our opponents fall. You know, making fun of my "weight issues", saying that Kyle needs "Ritalin", and so on. A few people (points to #3, which has a guy in a shirt and tie) get to this level, actually getting to some legitimate faults. Nobody has gotten to here (points to #4, which is labelled with Kyle and Bruce's heads), but we're still looking out for opponents that can work with us. And here? (Points to #1, which is a baby wearing a dunce cap.) Here's where you are, boys. Frankly, I'm a little embarassed for you.

KYLE ROBERTS: Don't be embarassed for them, Bruce. They can't help it if they fall down to the lowest common denominator.

BRUCE RICHARDS: EPW took the sweep last week, sure, but if I said it was lackluster I'd be in jeopardy of PRAISING it too much. Whereas NAPW was in the "match of the tournament". Sounds like someone's jealous...

KYLE ROBERTS: I'm surprised that Frankie Scott got off of his luxurious couch and actually deigned to reply to us mere mortals. I didn't hear a single peep out of him last week when he was going up against Hunter & The Wolf. I wonder why he bothered lashing out against us.

BRUCE RICHARDS: Maybe he's feeling threatened?

KYLE ROBERTS: But that can't be! He's called us a two-bit small-town junior-high promotion! He wouldn't come out and slag someone who was so obviously beneath him, would he? Unless...unless he is worried about us. We seem to have said something that got under his skin. But that can't be right, because we're so inferior! But then why would he say something...why wouldn't he do what he did last week, and let his partner do all the heavy lifting, unless we were actually worrying him...brain...seizing up...too many...contradictions...

BRUCE RICHARDS: Don't think about it too hard, Kyle. Just remember that we? We are the four-time NAPW Tag Team Champions, the #1 Tag Team in North America, and the two most talented wrestlers in this tag team competition.

KYLE ROBERTS: You're right, Bruce! Gosh, but I just LOVE talking about our accomplishments. It's not boasting if we have the skills to back it up. It's a human emotion called PRIDE, Scott, that might be difficult for an android to understand. See, we have these things called feelings; when we do something good, we feel proud of it. When we need to eat, we feel hungry.

BRUCE RICHARDS: Hunger isn't an emotion, Kyle.

KYLE ROBERTS: I know. I'm hungry. I wanted to put in an effective segue.

BRUCE RICHARDS: You want to get something to eat?

KYLE ROBERTS: FINALLY! Let me just get my bag. (Hefts a large bag over his shoulders, and he groans with the effort.)

BRUCE RICHARDS: What's in the bag, Kyle?

KYLE ROBERTS: (Slams the bag down on the ground again. From this angle, we can see that it's got the name "Frankie Scott" on the front.) It's a bag of rocks for rock-throwing, Bruce!

BRUCE RICHARDS: Rock-throwing?

KYLE ROBERTS: Sure, didn't you watch the promo?

BRUCE RICHARDS: Yes, I did. YOU were the one who slept through it.

KYLE ROBERTS: There were some things that grabbed my attention. Like when he said that the guy who was without suckiness can throw stones at the other guy. So I made me a big bag of rocks, and there's another bag that's even bigger for you, with Joey Melton's name on it! And the best thing is, they can't throw them back at us! They're practically handing us the win!

BRUCE RICHARDS: I think you're misinterpreting what Mr. Scott said.

KYLE ROBERTS: What? He said the guys who didn't suck could throw rocks. Do we suck?

BRUCE RICHARDS: HELL no.

KYLE ROBERTS: Do they suck?

BRUCE RICHARDS: Likely yes.

KYLE ROBERTS: Ergo, we throw stones at them until they can't get up and we pin them. It's not ROCKET SCIENCE, Bruce.

BRUCE RICHARDS: Touché. (Kyle hefts the bag over his shoulder.) Where do you want to go for lunch?

KYLE ROBERTS: Let's hit Pub 1905. Simple, hearty pub fare, just what two strapping young men need.

BRUCE RICHARDS: And the biggest hot dogs this side of the North Saskatchewan River!

KYLE ROBERTS: We'd save one for you, Melton, but we're worried about your heart condition. Or your diabetes. Or your cholesterol. You old guys always have some kind of health problem, right? I mean ASIDE from "critical suckage". That's easily diagnosed, and I'm not even a doctor! (Wipes his brow.) These rocks sure are heavy!

BRUCE RICHARDS: Why are you even BRINGING them to lunch?

KYLE ROBERTS: I have to get used to carrying all this weight if we're going to carry Scott and Melton through our match! Dead weight is dead weight, whether it's a bag of throwin' rocks, or two useless schlubs masquerading as our legitimate tag team opponents.

BRUCE RICHARDS: Sometimes your thought process scares me, Kyle.

(Fade out as the two men amble out the door.)

 

[Steve]

(FADEIN: Joey Melton stands in front of an EPW TEAM backdrop.)

MELTON: I’m going to be honest. I have no idea what to say here. I’m lost. Usually Ryan caters these promo days and there’s a Hispanic couple that writes this **** for me. But, today…no cue cards or strawberry shortcake. It’s just me, the camera, and all those wonderful people in the dark. Five minutes ago, I almost did a finger painting with the intention of giving it to you irritants so you’d finally have something that’d sell. But, I’m just uninspired in general of late. If you feel like being generous and taking half the blame, go right ahead as it’s assuredly yours.

I thought my appearance last month covered me for this science experiment, but apparently Dan’s serious about winning, or hoping to squeeze into the “People” cover piece that’s currently being done about me. Oops. Did I let that slip? Sorry. If the lunchbox blew your mind boys, a weekend visit from a serious writer who lounges around my estate and asks all the hard questions like, “How does having a louse for a mother affect your life now?” is an atmosphere above your head. I could’ve easily called in sick or faked my own death like Eddie Wilson, frontman of the famed Cruisers. So often I only help myself. I’ve spent twenty years in this business stepping on the backs of others, while my conscience developed a high pain threshold. But as I reflect on my misdeeds I realize today, there’s enough trash in the papers. Yes, my life, and its vicious twist and turns is exactly what “People” wants, it’s what would sell to housewives and common America. I just, as I stand here, uncatered, and grasping at straws…want something more. I want to make a difference in the world. Yet again. I want my story to be uplifting. I want to know what if feels like to inspire someone. Not just dick them over for selfish reasons and monetary gain. No, no don’t be misled. Ruining lives for no apparent reason has brought a wonderful and often familiar joy to my life. Any athlete fears change. It’s why we keep doing meth when we know the risks, or sleep with the same woman for the first time....uh...ever.

Gentlemen…I want to show you, extend my hand if I may and show you that yes, it’s okay to change. To try something new and look failure in the eye(s).

That’s what I’ve done.

I’ve chosen to look you, failure, in the eyes and invite you to meet with “People” this weekend. In my recent dealings with Make-A-Wish I’ve come to accept that some people can’t help being less fortunate than I’ve been. Being stricken with cancer, for example, is not a poor life choice. It’s a bit of a bummer. A stretch of bad luck if you will. Maybe on the same scale as continuing your career when you’ve never had an inkling that it’s moving positively in a direction or, say, should continue at all. My cancer friends may not all survive, but they’ve helped me get over the depression which often lingers long after our meetings have ended. They’ve given me the freedom to be a better man.

So with that in mind, failures, I’m extending an invitation to the local Red Robin where I wish for you to join me and (Melton turns off camera) What’s his name? (V/O: Frankie Scott) Frankie and Scott for dinner. Let us help you. Well, let me help you I fear Scott is roughly in the same boat you are, but let me help you all. There. I’ve said it. Choked a little bit, but I said it. Let me help you all. Take the free meal. Hear my tales of yester year and glory. Wash my feet. See what a car made in this century looks like up close. And meet with “People.”

Now, I don’t trust you to be alone with “People” and speak your mind, so I’ve prepared some cheat sheets that you’ll be given in the rare event of the writer wanting to know more about me and know I’ve affected your life.

This meeting doesn’t have to be one-sided. Learn from me. I can help you. I want to help you. (pause) Yes, really, I want to help you. Let’s face it kids. Joey Melton won’t always be in TEAM battling over supremacy for the wrestling hinterlands. One day, fingers crossed, I’ll be gone. And you’ll be forced to sell matches and a crowd by yourselves.

(FTB)

 

[Jago]

(The camera fades up on our favourite tag team, The New and Improved D-X. Kyle Roberts and Bruce Richards are eating large burgers at a restaurant.)

KYLE ROBERTS: So, um... Melton, Scott, where the hell are you two? I'll admit, I was surprised to hear that Joey Melton was inviting us to dinner at our local Red Robin. Edmonton, Alberta, is a pretty far drive or flight for a simple dinner date, especially from New York City. Sure, I've driven to Red Deer for Mexican food, and, yes, even the two point five hours to Calgary for some Pete's Drive-In, but for the esteemed Melton to take a few hours to fly two thousand miles just so we can sit at the feet of the master? That would be impressive. So here we sit. And wait for you two to show up. In fact, we got so hungry, we decided to order before you came. But, hey, it's cool. Once you arrive, you can settle the bill. I didn't think that you'd be wasting your Red Robin employee discount on us, but I'm not too proud to not look a gift meal in, um, my mouth, regardless of what mind-numbing timeshare crap I have to listen about to get it.

BRUCE RICHARDS: Do you know what the shocking revelation for me was, Kyle? That a man that calls himself "The Unifier" can't even be bothered to know his own tag team partner's name! I mean, seriously, are we the only guys who actually talk when it comes to the tag teams in the Dupree Cup?

KYLE ROBERTS: Don't even go barking up that tree, Bruce. Last week, Chaos and H.A.L. didn't even bother training together before the show, and they picked up the win over me and Ravager.

BRUCE RICHARDS: There's a difference between two partners who barely talk and two partners who are at each other's throats when they're in the same room, Kyle.

KYLE ROBERTS: Bob and I weren't at each other's throats! We were just having in as passive-aggressive a manner as we could!

BRUCE RICHARDS: In any case, Melton, I'm sad to say that I'm disappointed in you. One thing I've noticed about these interpromotional matchups is that a lot of people are in it for their stature, for their glory. It doesn't even look like Joey Melton is even interested in wrestling anymore. In fact, he's so wrapped up in this People profile that he's ignoring his partner, his company, his own legacy.

KYLE ROBERTS: I know! I mean, PEOPLE MAGAZINE? There's three groups of people who read People: Bored housewives dreaming of living like celebrities, people waiting in hospital waiting rooms or hair salons while waiting for their appointments, or the talentless hacks who imagine that being in People Magazine is the be-all and pinnacle of their lives. Hunh. I wonder which category you fit into, Melton. I'd say the same category as our ol' buddy, Joey Lawrence.

BRUCE RICHARDS: Lack of literary tastes aside, I feel sorry for the fans of EPW. These arrogant jerks are who's representing the company you shell out your hard-earned money for? Frankie Scott, a man who only decides to deign people with his presence when he feels threatened by his opponents? Oh, yes, Frankie, I'm going there. Where were you last week when you were teamed up with Steven Shane? You were a non-entity in that match, only backing up Shane when he was the man to make his opponent tap. And yet you get the win with absolutely no effort on your part! But Scott's not even the worst you fans have to deal with! Joey Melton, a man who says he's done it all, with quite the history in wrestling. So what does this veteran do? He decides to piss away his legacy by ignoring the sport that Kyle and I have sacrificed everything and trying to further his career as a celebrity who has nothing to offer.

KYLE ROBERTS: Dude, I've got more respect for Paris Hilton and Brandon Davis that I do for you. At least they've got family money to finance their train-wreck excuses of lives. But, as Bruce was saying, what about the fans you're leaving behind? The ones who end up paying your salary? The New and Improved D-X has an idea: EPW fans, we'll adopt you! Looking for a federation who strives to actually work for those who foot the bill? Looking for the most entertaining tag team that North America? We'll take you! Look at us! You've got Stylin' Kyle Roberts, the man that radiates charisma, the guy who's simply DOMINATED every half-assed loser who's dared to challenge him, the man for which Attention Deficit Disorder isn't a handicap, it's a way of LIFE!! Bruce, the calm voice of reason that is a complete animal in the ring! The analytical mastermind that spends his days preparing some charts! They're quirky, they're quick-witted, and they're the g*ddamn SAVIOURS of the Dupree Cup. Are you REALLY wanting to support the black holes of charm that are Melton and Scott? Or would you prefer to back the two men who never let up, the team voted Tag Team of the YEAR? Bruce and I, we aren't choosy about our fans! As long as they aren't nerdy fanboys, that is.

BRUCE RICHARDS: Tell you what, when we hit Atlanta, Georgia, this weekend to face our EPW opponents, we'll make sure to bring Kyle's girlfriend Amy, and Tiffany Macintyre, the two women that could be considered NAPW's own Divas! And they'll make sure that every abandoned EPW fan has a place they can call home. They'll give out NAPW t-shirts, especially the best-selling shirt that NAPW offers: Mine.

KYLE ROBERTS: Don't forget the "Kyle Roberts Is Smarter Than You" shirt. You see, EPW fans? You're being crapped upon! Let us be your heroes! It's not like these two shlubs have got what it takes. If Joey Melton and Frankie Scott are EPW's big guns, the ones chosen to represent their company, hell, it's no WONDER we're putting this offer of amnesty out there. Hell, if Melton was the flagship of ANY fed, I can see how fans would flee like rats off of a sinking ship!

BRUCE RICHARDS: Melton's NOT the flagship of EPW. Lindsay Troy is their World Champion.

KYLE ROBERTS: What? Really?

BRUCE RICHARDS: Hell, Melton's listed in the top five for the belt, though.

KYLE ROBERTS: Pfft. Ravager's the number two contender to D!'s belt. What's your point?

BRUCE RICHARDS: Do you know who's Melton's manager? Lindsay Troy.

KYLE ROBERTS: HOLY CONFLICT OF INTEREST, BATMAN! Bruce, are you telling me that he's in line for a title shot against his manager?

BRUCE RICHARDS: No, I'm telling you that he's FOURTH in line for a title shot against his manager.

KYLE ROBERTS: Ouch, that's gotta hurt. No wonder he's ignoring his duties in the ring.

BRUCE RICHARDS: And Frankie Scott's continuing his ghostly ways on the EPW website. There's absolutely no information about him.

KYLE ROBERTS: He told us all the information we need to hear. The man's obscenely boring and a deluded mental case. And, according to his tag team partner, lacking in wrestling skill.

BRUCE RICHARDS: We'll find out firsthand when we get to Atlanta. And with the fans you guys WISHED you had behind Kyle and I? Well, looks like we've won the battle before it even starts. We'll see you two in the ring.

KYLE ROBERTS: And we'll bring the receipt from Red Robin with us. I'm looking towards compensation for my all-I-could-eat fries, Joey! Now if you'll excuse me, there's drinks to be downed!

(As Kyle and Bruce continue on with their hamburger smorgasbord, we fade to black.)

 

[Steve]

(FADEIN: Joey Melton in front of a TEAM EPW backdrop.)

MELTON: Pass me one of those t-shirts and be sure to include your company's address and what AM radio station we can all hear the broadcast on. Despite your ignorance my invitation for dinner still stands, but also, I'm willing to front the money to bring NAPW action live! to the Internet here at fw.com. For the first time, people outside of dumb**** USA can see you tapeworms wrestle. Streaming video. Limited buffering. In Quicktime OR Windows media player. Why? Because I have cash and a cause.

I don't know why you're so desperate to advertise. There's only a limited number of people who can fit into a high school gym at a time. Not that I'm hating. We all had to start somewhere. On the contary boys, I think it's cool what you're doing. Giving the lowest tax bracket next to free entertainment. Speaking for someone who has wrestled in county fairs and at sweet 16 birthday parties...that's where my strongest contacts have been made. Hell, I've been invited to ten weddings this year alone.

In fact. Okay. That's it. **** I'm inspired. I want to get you two fitted for a
business suit, and collared. That's right. Ball gag, leathers. The whole nine. I want you two to come work for me, part-time. Are you up for it?

Now on to your pathetic claims. ("DUN DUN DUN" audio is piped in)

Not only am I fourth in line, but I'm also ****ing her a handful of times a week,
when our schedules allow. This is bad? Why aspire to beat EPW's World Champion when she beats me? I'm a visionary. Defintion: Someone who could not only think for both of you, but probably should be.

Frankie Scott and I aren't a well-oiled machine...

FACT!: I'm not filing the piece of ****s taxes.

FACT!: I've taken more than my share of "Hey yous" to world Titles.

And that's really all I need to know, or say. "Hey you, I need a breather." "Hey you can you handle the first ten minutes of the match I may be a little late."

There's a subtle difference between trying to team with "that guy" and tearing the house down with "hey you." Besides, I'll be renaming Frank and Scott at a time of my choosing. I like to leave my stamp on people. It's just a thing I have.

Bottom line, you're not picky about your fans because they're family and friends. I am picky. If I could get away with it, I'd profile to the tenth degree. Not everybody can appreciate Joey Melton. I'd like to filter those who don't have the capacity out.

And finally...you're selling t-shirts. I'm selling dreams!

(FTB)

 

[Phenomenal]

( OOC: This is unbelievable… The very first part of this promo was thought out and typed out on word on sunday afternoon. Then, I watch the first 15 minutes of WWE RAW on monday and there is Jeff Hardy doing my visual. I’m still going ahead with what I typed since I did it first. Wow, maybe I should write for WWE. Ha ha!)

(WOOC: I know that Melton has already rp’d and this won’t count. But, I already had it done and don’t want to throw it away.)

(Frankie Scott is sitting inside his home in Lake Arrowhead, California. Frankie is in his living room mixing a gallon of BEHR Off -White Semi Gloss house paint as purchased from The Home Depot tm(“You can do it. We can help.” 2006 nationwide sponsor of the “Phenomenal” Frankie Scott/ Joey Melton vs. Kyle Roberts/ Bruce Richards tag team match). Frankie drops his brush into the paint and liberally applies a partial coat to one of the living room walls. After he is finished, Frankie sits in his favorite recliner and just stares at the wall that he just painted.)

Frankie: “Lindsay’s right.. Watching paint dry is waaay more fun than watching the last video from Bruce Richards. “

(Frankie gets up from the chair and proceeds to clean up the paint can and remove the accessories from the living room. After the clean up, Frankie walks outside to his back deck and sits down with a cup of coffee.)

“Bruce… You know the teacher in the old Charlie Brown cartoons? Do you remember her voice? Wah wah wah wah…wah wah …Well, that’s all I heard from you in the past few days. You two still aren’t bringing anything substantial to the table. I’m not in the least worried about either of you. As for me not getting a promo out in round one… I had prior obligations and TEAM officials knew that. You guys are just bent that I don’t have to say a word and I still come through with flying colors. And once again, you two will come up a day late and a dollar short. Which I’m sure really pisses off the whores in Edmonton. “

(Frankie takes a sip of coffee)

“You tell Melton and I about things that you strive to be. Improve your skills, making your matches better than anyone else… All of us do those things every night we step into that ring. You aren’t any different. Other than you are semi main eventing flea markets and grand openings of auto dealerships while Melton and I are headlining 20-30,000 seat auditoriums. And all the while NAPW officials are frustrated that you are still tag team champions after they keep throwing teams out there to beat you and then those teams are so bad that they lose the titles back to you in the rematch that you whine for each time.”

“Calling me an arrogant jerk is like O.J Simpson calling Robert Blake a cold blooded killer. Calling me jealous is even better. I have nothing to be jealous about. I wrestle for Empire Pro Wrestling. I’m a U.S. citizen. I wrestle for titles that actually mean something. You two are champions for a cheap, bargain store generic brand organization. And then you two are the most talented in the company. I really don’t doubt that at all. That chart shows that you can color and stay within the lines. I’m just proud that Canada teaches you a trade so that life after wrestling will be a little better for you. Good Job!!”

(Frankie stands up and applauds)

“D-X adopting the EPW fans? Are you kidding me? Our fans would sue you two for misinterpretation of their being actual wrestlers in that little farm club tag team of yours. You see, Team EPW has each other’s backs while you pack of lamebrains are “artistically” cutting each others throats. You have no connections. While Joey Melton may not be a member in the Frankie Scott fan club he wouldn’t sell me out to you two. Just like me, Dan Ryan and Steven Shane.. Melton knows exactly where the Dupree Cup should be and that is in the possession of E-P-W!”

“You’re right. Never thought I would say that did you? You’re right that you never let up. The same ol’ song and dance.. Inane dribble that subjectively bores the living crap out of anyone that views your promos. And you wonder why EPW is selling out arenas and NAPW is selling out your backyard. It’s because Kyle Roberts radiates something other than charisma and if he doesn’t clean it out of pants… than the last 5 people in his backyard will leave. Wow.. 5 people. That must have been standing room only.”

(Frankie finishes up his cup of coffee and sits the mug down.)

“In just a few days we are hitting my hometown of Atlanta, Georgia. What a beautiful state Georgia is… there are actually four seasons… southern hospitality… and the most gorgeous women you have ever laid eyes on. Atlanta… Philips Arena…the place where D-X died. After we are done with you… I’ll give the EPW boys a tour. I know that we will have an extra hour to kill as quickly as this match will go. Melton is a party boy. He won’t want to spend too much time in the ring with the likes of you. There is no way you are getting a photo op from us and then try to boost your meaningless careers.

“What scares me though is the way you two talk to each other.. Two strapping young men…dreams of poultry...biggest hot dogs north of the Saskatchewan River. Well, if American history books are correct.. The Saskatchewan River is only about three inches long. Answer me this… Were you two cuddling while watching my promo? Richards did you get to third base while Roberts was sleeping? By the way, You missed the fourth group that read “People Magazine”. The sexually frustrated closet dwelling Canadian tag teams that aspire to have American wrestling fans from the U.S. There seem to be a lot of them.”

(Frankie goes back inside and checks up on his paint on the wall.)

“I have to hand it to you though. You haven’t given up even once on this tag team match. While you have stepped up to the plate, you are ever closer to signing your own last will and testament. You are digging your own graves just to prove you can handle a shovel. What ever you do, PLEASE! DO NOT will those awful looking tag belts over to Melton and I. We will just take the cup instead.”