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FEEDBACK - DEFtv #54

SenorJames

DEFIANT Grandpa
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Jan 11, 2013
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http://defiancewrestling.com/results/102


What did we do right?


What did we do wrong?


Match of the Night?


Segment of the Night?


Top Face of the Night?


Top Heel of the Night?


On the Bubble / Who is about to break out?


Favorite Quotes?


Mark-Out Moments?


How was the overall reading experience?​
 

Evan H.

DEF Director of Fun & Good Humor
Joined
May 7, 2012
Messages
1,263
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0
Location
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Website
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Clean & Fair
I love Troy / Ryan segs because the interplay is just so on point, so familiar. King and Queen of shit talk, lol. The quality of the build for this angle is going to make the end result more than just a well written match. Lindz, Brunk and Dames are killin’ it this arc.


Keyes vs. Hoffman
Ben did the heavy lifting with this one. And just a note. Ben completely dove in head first with Reinhardt, chit chatting about the character on Skype he helped me sort of see a new direction we could take with the character’s gimmick. THIS is how you work with the… I’’ll go ahead and coin the term “active NPC’s.” If you guys start to get a feel for any of the characters we debut from BRAZEN and have an idea for an arc or an angle or a segment, or if you want to use them in your own arcs hit me and Justin up. Again, props to Ben.


The Mastodon Cometh
I’ve said it before, I think Frank is Justin’s best character. I love Dane, don’t get me wrong. I’ve followed Eric Dane the character pretty much since the day I discovered ewrestling. But when Justin’s on point and ready to really kick out the jams with FDJ it’s just killer. This is going to be a fun arc dude.


Harmony vs. Felton Bigsby
Yay. lol I hope you guys know what a kick I’m getting seeing you guys write such solid matches with the BRAZEN guys. A lot of the characters we’ll debut (some will stick around, some with”go back to developmental”) are ideas that have sat in mine, Justin’s, Jon’s, James’, etc’s docs for ages just collecting dust.


Damien just added some to the doc, I can’t WAIT to see Dames sink his teeth into BRAZEN.


I’ll Be Careful. YOU’LL BE DEAD!
It makes absolute puzzle piece sense both in and out of character, this feud. Dan Ryan is a legacy character, loooots of history. Frank’s the DEF born DEF bred firebrand. Seems like cut and dry face heel, but it’s not. The shades of grey Brunk and Ken are working with right now between face and heel reeeeally works for both Frank and Ryan. Ryan’s not “eeeevil”... he’s just been around the block so many times he’s made of goddamn stone. He’s a MAN, by each plausible definition. And while a “fun guy” Frank is young, weird, really evasive and reeeeally pushy. Bordering on disrespectful.


[Ryan stops and stares down directly into Holiday’s eyes.]

Dan Ryan:
… BRAH.


But Brunk just slays it with “finger in the face” promos like this. Young men yell and scream, old men get in your face and whisper epic shit right in your goddamn ear. lol Probably my favorite seg of the night, honestly.


Nicky’s Big Break
Sorry about the formatting, I figured out the new backstage cut and paste stuff after I’d posted this and I was too lazy to fix it and repost. So. Anyway. Moving on.


God-Beast vs. Levi Cole
Imagine Cole’s gimmick like… a REALLY polite, bordering on dopey Brock Lesnar. Pure good hearted flyover state meathead. Another fantastic recap write up. I’m digging a couple of these being on every card.


YORBOITAI
The fact Eugene approaches Ryan and LT at all shows he’s got balls… but by the end you feel that impotent nerd rage as he huffs away. I want more heel Eugene in my life.


Where’s My Reckoning
I’ll let everyone else tug on James’ wang for this puppy. I Boxer’d my stuff and provided input but James fronted this seg. Good shit my man.


Demoralized
Just playin’ in the sandbox, havin’ a good ol’ time. Moving on.


Euge vs. Ty-Walk (love that nickname, lol, goddamn you Brunk)
Good booking, Eugene needed a win and Ty’s usually a good candidate to eat a loss. Solid match.


Guess Who’s Back?
This needed a little more padding between the talky bits. Just having Waner start talking and not giving any bracketed setting of the scene, what Sam’s wearing, etc. Facial expressions, what they might be thinking, what they’re wearing, how they’re approaching each other.


Example, just for instance, Jake’s entrance into the scene.


[Sam’s interrupted by Jake Donovan walking up to Lance Warner]

[Sam’s saccharin babyface promo was cut short by the entrance of DEFIANCE’s very own backyard weirdo, the enigmatic Jake Donovan. The wild streaks of paint up and down his face don’t hide the fact he’s got a a frustrated, bitter look etched on his sour mug. Sam turns to greet the obviously unwelcome intrusion on HIS promo time. As the two size each other up for a moment, Lance Warner exists stage left, his lower back still aching after his "tumble" earlier.]

Yada yada. Best rule of thumb I can give is ALWAYS write your segs and matches like a brand new reader is jumping into DEF with this show. If you don’t tell the reader who your character IS on card they’re not going to go look up your bio and read the "what you're character looks like" section, they’re just going to skim on down the page.


Curtis Penn Invitational / Cancer Jiles vs. Johnny Booya


Riiiiiiiight off the bat, I have to remind everyone of what a fucking mark I am for both Penn AND Jiles, so… that being said, and Jon and George both being fantastic writers I’ve known through this game forever… I’m going to be a little critical.


The segment especially feels like y’all might have pulled it from the oven a little quick. It has a little of the problem I had with the last seg with not quiiiiite enough descriptive text? Especially right out of the gate but got “meatier” later, especially when Booya returned (also awesome btw) The back and forth banter was spot on. The characterizations of Penn and Jiles are just so there.


Remember when The Dudley’s were really hot in ECW? Heel heat like I’ve never SEEN… the fans weren’t booing them because they were heels they were booing them because they fucking HAAAAAAAATED THEM… and the fact they were so entertaining, it was all a really magical combination. Penn’s like that. He’s shown he’s a great wrestler, he’s a champion, a proven property but he’s just sooooo insecure and such a deluded cunt. The way he’s been characterized as just this arrogant virus has produced some killer promos.


Curtis Penn:
Cancer...Cancer… Don’t listen to them Cancer, it’s a conditioned response! Watch.


Curtis Penn:
CANCER JILES EVERYBODY!


RAHHHHHHHHH!


Curtis Penn:
MYBOITAI


RAHHHHHHHHH!


Curtis Penn:
POPSICLES!


RAHHHHHHHHH!


Curtis Penn:
CURTIS PENN!


BOOOOOOOOO!


[Cancer’s eyebrows arch over the COOL Shades.]


Curtis Penn:
See, they cheer for everything I say and do. I’m their Southern Heritage Champion and they absolutely love me…


I literally laughed out loud at “POPSICLES!”


I’m so glad George is back, Cancer is such a fantastic character. Like I said once upon a time, he’s like a super gross version of HBK circa the early to mid 90’s. The match was probably shorter than it needed to be being in the main event slot. I’d have maybe constructed something BIGGER from Penn at the end… maybe when Penn and Booya looked back, have them go back for seconds, work together to really put Cancer down for the count, some sort of big shocking crowd popping high spot, really launch this SoHer angle. I'm not sure you guys took full advantage of being in the main event slot, is all.


Anyway, criticism always given with love guys, no hurt butts.


Not the most epic show, but like we said before… not EVERY show HAS to just rock the earth. Only the second card of the arc, everyone still in setup phase with arcs. Some REALLY solid stuff on this card. Brunk, Lindz and James tore shit up this week with collectively the best segments on the card, hands down.


Now. I'm going to go sit on my sofa and watch Chris Hero and Zack Sabre Jr. beat the holy living shit out of each other. :)
 

QueenOfTheRing

AKA Mom
Joined
Jan 1, 2000
Messages
2,625
Points
36
What did we do right?
FDJ's promo was boss.

I'm digging the BRAZEN stuff for sure. I'm thinking on a seg for Felton for the next show. Evan, if you want to talk that out with me, let me know.

The less is more approach looks like it's working for the second show in a row. Let's keep it up.

What did we do wrong?
No Run Down this week, which may have been on purpose? I don't think Brunk and I were supposed to tack a Run Down onto the end of our segment. Not a big deal if we miss one here or there, though.

Homophobic slur, which I've now edited out of the results. Since it was in a line of Penn's dialogue I'm going to presume Jon wrote it. No excuse.

Match of the Night?
Dewey vs. Walker

Segment of the Night?
Tie - "The Mastodon Cometh" and "Where's My Reckoning"

Honorable Mention - "Demoralized"

Top Face of the Night?
Dusty

Top Heel of the Night?
Eugene

On the Bubble / Who is about to break out?
I can feel Dan Ryan's simmering annoyance all the way over here on the East Coast.

Still looking forward to the Harmony/Mushi stuff. More Mushi. Less Matthews.

I see some potential in the Sam and Jake stuff.

Favorite Quotes?
"Is there a mind to play games with inside that ginger skull?" - Angus

"How is it that one man can turn away challenge after challenge for so long? What sort of man IS this? Is he a cyborg? A mutant? Is this not only his final form, but THE final form? I don’t really hang with nerds, so no one asks that last one, but the others, yes." - Dan Ryan

"Kelly and Kountry" - Dan Ryan. Really, all of Ryan's lines in the opener.

Mark-Out Moments?
I'm getting amped for Nicky vs. FDJ

How was the overall reading experience?
It was great until the Penn segment. Then I got pretty damn annoyed.
showing up was "eh" but I know James likes the character and wants to keep him around so I'll let it slide.
 

DBrunkGXW

Consigliere
Joined
Sep 11, 1997
Messages
4,815
Points
36
Age
48
Location
Katy, TX
What did we do right?

Easy to read still. Angles shaping up and making sense.

What did we do wrong?

The main wasn't "wrong" per se. I don't have really a true wrong thing done. I think the main didn't really feel like a main event, but it was setting something else up. That's how I saw it.

Match of the Night?

Dewey v. Walker, because I dug the angle.

Segment of the Night?

All of the BRAZEN stuff.

Top Face of the Night?

Lindsay Troy, coming to the rescue.

Top Heel of the Night?

Eugene Dewey. Poor TAI.


How was the overall reading experience?

Still digging the show format. Not short, but shorter. Easy to read, easy to follow
 

Damien

Member
Joined
Apr 6, 2012
Messages
515
Points
16
Clean & Fair
I know real life happens and gets in the way, but with a later segment needing to be based off of the words from LT and DR in this one it would have been nicer to see it (or at least some part of it) written before the deadline night.

That gripe out of the way, this was brilliant. I would say Lindsay and Dan can have a tendency to go off on a tanget at time, which they definitely don’t do here. And the opening segment isn’t 20 minutes long, which it doesn’t need to be. Everything they needed to say got said here and it’s effective.

Henry Keyes vs. Reinhardt Hoffman
Love this match. Hoffman’s character gets over, Henry Keyes’ toughness gets over, and the bell clap comes at the right time in the right way. This is what BRAZEN matches should be. Sure, the BRAZEN guys aren’t gonna go over the majority of the time, but they can give competitive matches so that when they do go over it’s not an upset, or it’s not a shock.

The Mastodon Cometh
Frank going back to his mountain man ‘immakillyew’ roots can only be good. I wouldn’t call it a step backwards for the character, because I wasn’t overly convinced by the transformation when he was sided with Box and Co. And I hope Frank goes back to wrestling barefoot as well.

Harmony vs. Felton Bigsby
Harmony is really starting to build up a reputation as a giant slayer, which I like, and the match was handled in the correct way. She’s not going out there and taking them down with speed and hard hits, she’s fighting back and picking up the flash wins, which is right for her.

I’ll be Careful, YOU’LL BE DEAD
Dan Ryan is a heel, Dan Ryan has always been a heel, but Dan Ryan is so god damned good at being a heel that you want to cheer for him. It’s just subtle actions that define whether we should be cheering for him or not. That wouldn’t work with every character, and not every writer could pull it off, but Brunk manages it with ease.

The beauty with Dan is that Brunk has never said “he’s a jerk, but the fans think he’s cool so they cheer him”. He just knows where the line between veteran protecting his spot and outright heel is, which is why I’m sure that even if Dan is playing a heel type role in this feud I’m sure that won’t impact the plans for the main event at AoD.

Nicky’s Big Break
It’s good to see Nicky getting some character building, and this ties in perfectly with the FDJ segment moments earlier. No complaints from me here in the slightest.

Mushigihara vs. Levi Cole
I do enjoy the brief summary of a couple of matches per card, but I’d like to have seen a little more from this one. It gets across that Mushi’s confidence has been rattled by the loss to Harmony, but Levi’s comeback consisted of one line. It’d be nice to see some actual moves written down rather than just read ‘Exhibited his wrestling skills’.

YORBOITAI
Mine, Lindsay and Dan’s.

Where’s My Reckoning
This is going to be a barn burner. I like the use of the interview stage, and the little comment at the start highlights just how little we actually use it, but I do hope that doesn’t lead to us overusing it in the near future. There’s a fine balance, and once or twice a show should be the limit.

As for the rest of the segment, It felt like this could have had more words before things went south control wise. Maybe Box and Dusty could have had more back and forth, but why blow the whole storyline in one segment, so maybe it wasn’t such a bad thing. I’m definitely looking forward to whatever match these two end up having down the road.

Demoralized
Ooh, could we be seeing some Brazen vs. Brazen matches soon? Because they would lend themselves to the summarized results format nicely.

Eugene Dewey vs. Tyrone Walker
Mine.

Guess Who’s Back
Eminem?

I like the gimmick for Sam, but I have to draw a comparison to Brock Lesnar here.

So Sam left DEFIANCE, started up in MMA, and won a world title which he lost in controversial fashion, right? And that controversial loss was well documented. So he should be a big deal, right? He should be coming in with all bells and whistles ready to take on the biggest and best DEFIANCE has to offer. After all, he’s a proven commodity, isn’t he? So why would he be starting against (and I hope Blue doesn’t take any offence to this) someone as lowly as Jake Donovan? He should be coming in and gunning for another shoot fighter. He should have called out Curtis Penn or someone along those lines.

I want to see how this gimmick plays out, but I think it lends itself much more to a higher drawing character than someone at the bottom of the ladder that needs to work their way up.

Curtis Penn Invitational
Changing up the Curtis Clutch Challenge to be a defence of the SoHer title is just fantastic. This segment however… I want to like it. After all, I like Cancer and Curtis so damn much, but there was so much talking and it felt so out of place with how the rest of the show has gone thus far.

Also Jonny Booya returns and nobody seems to give a shit? That makes no sense. The crowd was popping for popsicles, but there were no special reactions worth mentioning for Jonny Booya? He gets two boos and nothing else. I’d have liked to have seen something more… descriptive. And Angus and DDK had NOTHING to say about the return of Booya?

Also, how is Jonny Booya coming to the ring first and how is he the challenger? He’s CCJ’s opponent, but he’s not challenging for anything. If you’re gonna copy and paste entrances please check them to make sure they make sense.

CCJ vs. Jonny Booya
I think there was far too much commentary in this one. It just didn’t feel like it fit in with the rest of the show, you know? And I’m gonna have to echo Evan’s remarks about the post match beat down. This was the last moment of the show, the thing that makes us want to tune in next week. It didn’t feel like a big enough ending for the slot it was in.
 

SenorJames

DEFIANT Grandpa
Joined
Jan 11, 2013
Messages
1,098
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0
Location
The Land of Cheese
CLEAN & FAIR
Lindz and Brunk doing what they do, thrashing the competition on the mic, good stuff, also controlled and to the point quicker. Aces.

HENRY KEYES vs REINHARDT HOFFMAN

Solid effort to start the show, gave Hoffman some shine, Keyes gets a nifty win here. I know it was meant to be the hot opener, but it should have just been a summary, I know, I know, not every match needs to be a summary, but does it not look odd to have summaries and full matches mixed together? I still think main event should be a full match and the rest summarized unless absolutely necessary (IMO).

THE MASTODON COMETH

HOO-AAH, needs to remain a thing with Big Frank from here on out. Like that it gets right to the point of telling us who attacked Frank at Aftershock and makes it clear that that poor bastard is going to have to deal with the Mastadon.

HARMONY vs FELTON BIGSBY

Like that you played up Harm being banged up after her interactions with Mushigihara from the last show. Bigsby gets to look good as the big powerhouse type, but Harm being the higher level competitor wins. All makes sense.

I’LL BE CAREFUL… YOU’LL BE DEAD!

Dan Ryan going all grumpy old man here on Frank Holiday. I’ve got two thoughts about this segment.

SPOILERALERT
(highlight to read)

1. Knowing kind of what is going to happen, I hope this is the beginning of a full fledged heel turn for Dan Ryan. 2. I really wish Ken wasn’t taking time off again (sad panda) and / or Frank Holiday wasn’t going to be leaving. I really, really like Frank Holiday 8(

NICKY’s BIG BREAK

Fun little bit here as an unofficial “setup” for the ppv match to come, looking forward to Nicky and Big Frank going RAMPAGE style at Acts of DEFIANCE.

MUSHIGIHARA vs LEVI COLE

Like what you did here, you kind of gave me an idea of what you have in mind on Skype the other night. Giving Mushigihara some kind of personal struggle to go along with the actual programs is a good idea. Also dig that we got an NPC a win here, making sure they’re not job squad only, of course now you can eventually build to something with Mushi and Cole (and the rest of his guys).

YORBOITAI

So this is where Ty-Walk came from, hah. Good stuff all around, witty dialogue, playing up everything that has been going on. Though going forward, maybe we can refrain from using guest referees for a spell, yeah? (Dane, Ryan, Ryan again in the last year or so).

WHERE’s MY RECKONING

Evan and I wrote this.

DEMORALIZED

Not everything is so peachy with the BRAZEN kids. Also, I think Felton Bigsby and Ty need to interact at some point, and possibly beyond. I’m thinking of something to do BRAZEN related, will keep people in need up to date when I figure it out.

EUGENE DEWEY vs TYRONE WALKER

This is why I said I trusted Dames to write the match without my input, I knew he wouldn’t fuck it up. Ty gets some shine against Lord Euge of DEFIANCE, but the younger Euge shows he’s a step ahead of the older Ty-Walk at this point. Good stuff, liked LT & DR making the save after the extracurricular heel activities as well. Ty haz franz, aww 8)

GUESS WHO’s BACK?

Solid re-debut bit here. As for people asking why Sam would work Jake, uhm logistically, everyone else is tied up right now? Anyway, ooc drama aside, this was a good enough start, it gets Sam back on the air and he’s got a cocky young heel to work with.

CURTIS PENN INVITATIONAL
& JONNY BOOYA vs COOL CANCER JILES
Yeah, I gotta echo the sentiment that no Angus freak out that Jonny Booya, his second (or tied for most) hated guy in the world (next to/after Penn) kind of takes away from this. And you damn right I like Jonny Booya, the BESS FLEX IN RASSLIN HAS RETURNED! No talk of the Booya/Cancer history is also noticeably missing from the commentary. The overall package (segment and match) was alright, could have been better in spots, but live and learn.

What did we do right?
The show was on time and easy to read, let’s continue this trend.

What did we do wrong?

We didn’t do anything noteworthy to call out really. A little drama after the fact, but that better be water under the bridge now.

Match of the Night?

Euge vs Ty.

Segment of the Night?

LT/DR vs Euge.

Top Face of the Night?

Lindsay Troy.

Top Heel of the Night?

Eugene Dewey or Curtis Penn.

Favorite Quotes?

Curtis Penn:
Cancer...Cancer… Don’t listen to them Cancer, it’s a conditioned response! Watch.
Curtis Penn:
CANCER JILES EVERYBODY!
RAHHHHHHHHH!
Curtis Penn:
MYBOITAI
RAHHHHHHHHH!
Curtis Penn:
POPSICLES!
RAHHHHHHHHH!
Curtis Penn:
CURTIS PENN!
BOOOOOOOOO!

How was the overall reading experience?

Quick and painless, lets keep this up.

 

CCJ

League Member
Joined
Apr 8, 2012
Messages
226
Points
0
Location
NJ
Overall, I thought the show read well. I like the shorter format-- esp. the summarized matches. That will be a big time bonus for me seeing as I'm not a very good match writer. (The match this past show makes like 5 that I've wrote or had a hand in writing for my entire career as an efedder.)

My favorite part of the entire show would be anything Dan Ryan.

When I was here last I guess Dan was stuck inside his shell. Now, he has a personality, and it's dope. That's not a dig at the former glass chewing Dan Ryan, either. Totally digging where he is a character right now. The rapport between him and Troy is top notch. Like old chums, reminds me of Jiles and Doozer back in the day. Really got me invested. Great stuff.

Best match: Ty and Dewey. Great read. Great chars. Nuff said.

Best seg: Anything with Danny boy in it.

On the bubble: Can't wait to see where Dusty/Box goes. To me, it's like two cement trucks running into each other.

And now...

THE MAIN EVENT.


All my fault.


I'm not going to be the best match writer, partly because Cancer Jiles isn't the best wrestler, and partly because I haven't wrote too many matches. EVER. That said, yes there should have been more references to CCJ/Booya past. That's on me. Also. I'll try to cut down on the commentary, but I'll make no promises. Is it a crutch? Yes. Do I like walking? No.


All this said, I'm rusty. It started to shake some when I was writing the Jiles promo, and then I went on vacation with my in-laws for a week. I am home now. I have been reading everything and am fully committed.

I appreciate the criticism.

Please, continue to do so.
 

Evan H.

DEF Director of Fun & Good Humor
Joined
May 7, 2012
Messages
1,263
Points
0
Location
South Tejas
Website
myundertaking.tumblr.com
I'd imagine we don't get a new lineup until everyone pops in and writes a little something about the show.

All these feedback threads are is a way to gauge participation. If you never have time to write a little paragraph about the product, you obviously don't have time to read the cards the whole way through... soooooo if that's all the case, why are you here?

Do feedback. Fuck a format, just say something you liked about the thing we all work so hard on.



(And so help me James if you "clean up the thread" and delete this post I'm going to throttle you. <3 )
 

brusch

Main Event Caliber
Joined
Apr 16, 2012
Messages
836
Points
18
Location
St. Louis, MO
Been moving apartments and all other things associated with moving. Will work to get something up soon.
 

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