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GENERAL PRE-SHOW TRASH TALK

DBrunkGXW

Consigliere
Joined
Sep 11, 1997
Messages
4,814
Points
36
Age
46
Location
Katy, TX
DAN RYAN: I don't know, Castor -- I'm thinking now that you might need to pony up a little more dough to make this actually happen, you know, since you just Pacquiao'd yourself in NFW.
 

Evan H.

DEF Director of Fun & Good Humor
Joined
May 7, 2012
Messages
1,263
Points
0
Location
South Tejas
Website
myundertaking.tumblr.com
egg.gif


#DIECANCERDIE​
 

fugginVOSS

The REAL Funk U. T-shirt
Joined
Aug 26, 2008
Messages
1,214
Points
0
Age
39
Location
Australia
[FADE IN: on TEDDY ALEXANDER standing before the camera, holding two neck braces up on display. One reads "FLYER" and the other reads "REZIN".]

TEDDY ALEXANDER:
"Let the bodies hit the floor."

[FADE to BLACK!​]
 

Ford

UTA Hall of Famer and All-Around Nice Guy
Staff member
Joined
Jan 6, 2005
Messages
1,075
Points
36
Age
37
Location
Los Angeles, CA, formerly PA
Website
www.genlmnop.com
(FADEIN: Jack Harmen stands in front of an ESEN banner.)

JACK HARMEN: Teddy, you know that guy who created your catch phrase DIED right?

(Harmen shakes his head from side to side.)

JACK HARMEN: It's a national tragedy he can't sue you.

(FADEOUT.)
 

RStrawsma

Strawbot
Joined
Jan 1, 2000
Messages
1,512
Points
0
Age
37
Location
Indiana
(FADE IN: Open on REZIN, lying in a gutter somewhere.)

Rezin
The state of Indiana killed that guy... true story.

Proving yet again that the source of all death, destruction, and misery comes right from my very origin, the Hoosier Heartland.

So, you know... fuck the "Farmers" Super Bowl commercial.

(Fade to black.)
 

CCJ

League Member
Joined
Apr 8, 2012
Messages
226
Points
0
Location
NJ
[The Lord.]

"Isaiah 41:10 fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

[Poop-grinning, Cancer the COOL adds.]

"...made out of COOLTANIUM."
 

Evan H.

DEF Director of Fun & Good Humor
Joined
May 7, 2012
Messages
1,263
Points
0
Location
South Tejas
Website
myundertaking.tumblr.com
[Fade in on Boxer's mustachioed face.]

"Keep talkin' ye' bloody embarrassment. Talk all night and day.

Talk about you're stupid sunglasses and your bloody hair and spout yer' vapid catchphrases."


[Sadistic grin.]

"Yer' leavin' that match on a stretcher, boy."
 

LQJT86C

Where's my money, Chad?
Joined
Jul 3, 1997
Messages
2,073
Points
36
Age
37
Location
The Silk Road
DAN RYAN: I don't know, Castor -- I'm thinking now that you might need to pony up a little more dough to make this actually happen, you know, since you just Pacquiao'd yourself in NFW.

CASTOR: In that case, I'll have to take back the mulligan I gave you for losing to Cobra and Phil Atken. And as I lay here in my hospital bed, stuck with broken glass and splinters, sipping Kale through a straw, I am reminded how I'm worth more dead than you are alive.
 

DBrunkGXW

Consigliere
Joined
Sep 11, 1997
Messages
4,814
Points
36
Age
46
Location
Katy, TX
CASTOR: In that case, I'll have to take back the mulligan I gave you for losing to Cobra and Phil Atken. And as I lay here in my hospital bed, stuck with broken glass and splinters, sipping Kale through a straw, I am reminded how I'm worth more dead than you are alive.

DAN RYAN: Who gave you that quote on your worth, Castor? Did you work it up yourself, or did you get it from the Ultratitle people along with your winner's check that came postage due six months after your win, assumedly because it wouldn't be good until then? As I lay here among piles and piles of money, I'm reminded of how I can lose to both Cobra and Phil Atken and yet still be the most interesting, most important threat left for you to handle, worth a huge payday, a six figure attendance probability and by far your best shot at being involved in a five star match in 2013 -- not to mention, the only person you couldn't pin in multiple tries.

I seriously don't care what you do to get your mojo back -- fashion yourself something out of the discarded tin from Hurricane Sandy victims if you must.

Really, I just want you to SMILE again.

We already printed the programs.
 

CCJ

League Member
Joined
Apr 8, 2012
Messages
226
Points
0
Location
NJ
[Heir COOL.]

"Hey, Boreson. Is vapid the Scottish word for COOL?"

[Time passes.]

"Must be."

"Also, do me a favor. Next time around I could use the number for a good exorcist. If you wouldn't mind, look through one of those telephone books your always standing on and hook a superior human being up."
 

LQJT86C

Where's my money, Chad?
Joined
Jul 3, 1997
Messages
2,073
Points
36
Age
37
Location
The Silk Road
CASTOR: You have staying power, and you turn a profit. That doesn't make you better than me, Dan. That makes you Spam. You're on everybody's shelf, and they go to you when they need to eat. I, on the other hand...they build a cellar just for me, those lucky few. They put me on the top shelf. And when it's time to bring me out, everybody knows it's a special occasion. You could even drink me with Spam, and the Spam would taste better for it.

Spam Ryan...foodstamp champion of the hungry masses.
 

DBrunkGXW

Consigliere
Joined
Sep 11, 1997
Messages
4,814
Points
36
Age
46
Location
Katy, TX
CASTOR: You have staying power, and you turn a profit. That doesn't make you better than me, Dan. That makes you Spam. You're on everybody's shelf, and they go to you when they need to eat. I, on the other hand...they build a cellar just for me, those lucky few. They put me on the top shelf. And when it's time to bring me out, everybody knows it's a special occasion. You could even drink me with Spam, and the Spam would taste better for it.

Spam Ryan...foodstamp champion of the hungry masses.

DAN RYAN: Didn't you know, Castor? People keep getting busted buying lobster and steak with food stamps. It's an epidemic really, a gross misappropriation to be sure.

I'm sure you'd love someone to drink you with spam, maybe take you on a date and buy you dinner, give some calamari a blowjob, I don't know -- the food metaphor has probably run its course.

But you're right -- staying power and turning a profit isn't what makes me better than you -- nor do your lovely successes of the past year make you any better than me, no matter how shiny they were or how lovely the cellar is, because on the two occasions we were actually IN A RING together, neither of us could put the other man's shoulders to the mat, could we? You'd be better served to maybe consider why it is that Mr. Top Shelf finds it so difficult to handle the spam not giving a shit where Mr. Top Shelf is kept during special occasions, because the thing is, Castor, when I do come out, you pay attention. You were so much more believable a few weeks ago, but now, you're more like the hungry orphan, tugging on my coat and begging for more.

What's wrong? Don't Eddie Mayfield's teets have an extension cord?

If you turn your head to the left while you're sitting up on that top shelf, you can probably still see my ass-print, Castor.

So all that top shelf talk might work on someone like Impulse, who's just getting his first taste (actually, maybe not), but I think we both know that with me, it's one step above 100% pure amateur hour nonsense.

It's alright though, Strife. I don't mind your surly attitude. You've had a rough few days, so I'm gonna cut you a break. I'll simply deduct the cost of removing "NFW World Champion" from the programs and promotional materials from your half of the purse.
 
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LQJT86C

Where's my money, Chad?
Joined
Jul 3, 1997
Messages
2,073
Points
36
Age
37
Location
The Silk Road
CASTOR: Come on Dan, you expect me to reply to all that? FOR FREE? I'll wait until ESEN runs the long-cut promotional videos - I'm far better when enjoyed in HD. Here on YouTube, I'm only willing to embarrass you in 75 words or less. Otherwise you owe me $12.50 per word, OUT OF YOUR OWN SHARE. That's more than Texas minimum wage - far more. Looks like we're at 76. Do I make the bill out to Dan Ryan, Zero-Time Ultratitle Champion, or Three-Time Loser? Maybe you can just chip a gold flake off that belt Uncle Chad kept in perpetuity while his funhouse was in the fridge. I accept various forms of payment.

But I’ll end on this: if having the NFW World Title is what made me valuable to you, then you’re an even bigger mark for Eddie Mayfield’s sandbox than I am.

145... (rubs fingers together)
 

DBrunkGXW

Consigliere
Joined
Sep 11, 1997
Messages
4,814
Points
36
Age
46
Location
Katy, TX
CASTOR: Come on Dan, you expect me to reply to all that? FOR FREE? I'll wait until ESEN runs the long-cut promotional videos - I'm far better when enjoyed in HD. Here on YouTube, I'm only willing to embarrass you in 75 words or less. Otherwise you owe me $12.50 per word, OUT OF YOUR OWN SHARE. That's more than Texas minimum wage - far more. Looks like we're at 76. Do I make the bill out to Dan Ryan, Zero-Time Ultratitle Champion, or Three-Time Loser? Maybe you can just chip a gold flake off that belt Uncle Chad kept in perpetuity while his funhouse was in the fridge. I accept various forms of payment.

But I’ll end on this: if having the NFW World Title is what made me valuable to you, then you’re an even bigger mark for Eddie Mayfield’s sandbox than I am.

145... (rubs fingers together)

DAN RYAN: Castor, it was important when I held it and it was important when you did. It's merely a statement of fact. What you once were, you are no longer. Nothing more or less, and it's always valuable to me to step into the ring with the perceived best in the world. I'm only saying -- perceptions change, that's all.

Mostly, I'm only a mark for me.

Make the bill out to Thirteen Time World Champion -- I won't even count the vikings -- if I'm feeling generous, I'll break off some gold from the doorknob on the door to my shitter.

101... (Rubs hands together -- who rubs only fingers? Freak.)
 

LQJT86C

Where's my money, Chad?
Joined
Jul 3, 1997
Messages
2,073
Points
36
Age
37
Location
The Silk Road
CASTOR: Really? We're counting A1E? Come on, you're better than that. It's taken me years to scrub their title off my resume.

By the way, you look like an asshole here.
 

LQJT86C

Where's my money, Chad?
Joined
Jul 3, 1997
Messages
2,073
Points
36
Age
37
Location
The Silk Road
ROFL fucking writer's cafe. I've been on that site for two weeks - it BLOWS.

CASTOR: "That looks like one of my many hardcore fans, Dan. What a lovely young man. This country's future is getting brighter all the time, I say."
 

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