"How She Met He" and DIAMOND SHAZAM is a biiiig boy.
- VAGABOND (Voiceover) -
"Lotta people like to start with a joke, or a recap of their most recent victory--or to complain about a loss that wasn't their fault--and then move into discussion about what they plan on doin' next; whose ass is gonna get handed to whom, and all that good stuff. And then they'll probably finish with a rant on how stinkless they think their sh!t is, because they'd never admit they're so totally full of it. Everybody's got an ego. Everybody's got an a-hole, too, and they all stink.
"So where does that leave humble me? Well, I spent the first couple of years wrestling in high school gymnasiums, friends' backyards, at fundraisers, etc. I've stocked shelves, flipped patties, unloaded and reloaded delivery trucks, painted houses, cleaned offices and class rooms, and basically whored myself out to any Tom, Dick and Harry who had a few bucks to float my way while I trained in the ring four nights a week and particpated in eight or more shows per month. I got tired... so when the opportunity to move up came along, I took it. I quit my job, packed my duffel bag, hit the road, and now I'm here. Ta-da!
"But where is here?
DEFIANCE WRESTLING
Employment Terms & Conditions
"... is what the contract said. But that's as far as I got. I have adult-ADHD. Nobody reads TOS agreements anyway... right? Well, they then gave me a few instructions, told me where I needed to be and when I needed to be there, and then they sent me on my merry way. Problem is: I have no way of getting there. They didn't mention an airplane would be waiting for me... They didn't tell me where to pick up a rental car... Not a word about the hotel I'd be staying at. You know, I'm starting to think it's up to me to arrange that stuff. And to think I'd been dreaming about the thousand different ways I was gonna blow my sign-on bonus. Guess I'm gonna have to use it for boring stuff instead. Le sigh. I might as well hire an unattractive personal assistant while I'm at it.
"Speaking of unattractive assistants, my friends DUNCAN BRENNAN and "BABYFACE" BAXTER are--... Wait, where was I going with that? Oh, right--they'll be tagging along with me to my debut in the Dee-Dub. Well, actually, I just need DUNCAN to let me borrow his ride. But since he won't let me drive it, he's coming along. Anyway, I hear I'll have my hands full right from the start. Some three-hundred-pound behemoth named DIAMOND SHAZAM is gonna be my first opponent on LIVE television. Take that and add my buck-fifty, there's gonna be over four-hundred-and-fifty pounds rollin' 'round in that ring. You wouldn't see THAT at a high school fundraiser. Shoot, half the time the places we wrestled couldn't afford a legit set-up and we wrestled on floor mats instead. But aside from the chance that the ring might implode, I'm not that worried. Though the bigger they are, the harder they fall... God, I sure hope that's true. In which case I'll just have to out-maneuver him till he's depleted. Then, one solid Roundhouse Kick to the temple should finish 'im off.
"But I don't wanna talk about that right now, because right now I'm at the beach, and I swear on my dead mother's grave I just saw the best ass I've ever seen. Man, you gotta love bikinis and 90-degree weather. I know this guy does."
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SCENE ONE: "How I Met My Booty Call"
Location: @ the Beach
Featuring: VAGABOND and a Potential Piece of Ass
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Target spotted, VAGABOND stands up from his beach chair, readjusts his broken sunglasses, and "swags" after the girl with the "best ass he'd ever seen." "Just Can't Get Enough" by the Black Eyed Peas blasts from the speakers of a parked Jeep nearby, but it's not so loud that we can't hear VAGABOND break the ice with the girl once he catches up with her.
[Vagabond]
"Are you real, or am I having an hallucination from all this hot weather?"
"Nope, I'm pretty sure I exist," she smiles shyly. "Is there something I can help you with?"
[Vagabond]
"Actually, there is. I heard there's a new restaurant a few blocks away, just opened up. You wouldn't know anything about that, would you?"
"I dunno, does this restaurant have a name?"
[Vagabond]
"That's the part I was hoping you'd know."
Vagabond smiles all wide and innocent. Whatever effect he was hoping to have on this girl, it seemed to be working.
[Vagabond]
"My name's Tim. Friends call me Vagabond."
"Vagabond? As in, a drifter? A wanderer?"
[Vagabond]
"Pretty much. It was the best I could come up with when a few buddies and I got together and started a backyard wrestling federation. Silly kid stuff."
"I think it's cute," she smiles. "My name's Alex. Friends call me Lex."
[Vagabond]
"And that's short for Alexandria?"
[Lex]
"Nope. Alexanndra, pronounced exactly as it's spelt."
[Vagabond][/B
"People getting confused?"
[Lex]
"Oh, you better believe it."
LEX bends down to retrieve a volleyball at her feet. V-BOND takes his sunglasses off and tosses them in the direction of his sunbathing equipment. This is all completely irrelevant, but some people like a little scene description.
[Vagabond]
"So that restaurant I mentioned earlier..."
[Lex]
"I think you might be talking about my daddy's new diner."
[Vagabond]
"No way."
He knew all along.
[Lex]
"Yep, Lee's Diner. If you'd like, I'm actually headed there now. I'm closing tonight."
[Vagabond]
"What a terrible waste of such a beautiful day."
Says the man still waiting desparately for the sign-on bonus from DEF to clear the bank because he hasn't had work in nearly a month.
[Lex]
"I think daddy's hiring. Would you like to put in an application? I can get you one."
Right away VAGABOND realizes her angle.
[Vagabond]
"Now, now... No need to take pity on me. In fact, I have a job, I just--"
[Lex]
"--Oh, that's not what I was--"
[Vagabond]
"--It's all right, really--"
[Lex]"
--You're still more than welcome to come see the place."
LEX smiles, VAGABOND'S knees start to buckle...
[Vagabond]]
"Sure! Just lemme grab my things and I'll meet you over there."
VAGABOND points toward the beach entrance.
[Lex]
"K."
Speaking of which, don't you hate when people text that one letter? Like, seriously. Anyhow, our video is cut short as the intent of which has come to a conclusion. Cheerio!