Real Time with Shawn Hart
(FADE IN: To a sound stage so jiggy it puts Sportscenter to shame, but instead of Kobe highlights and Stuart Scott's silly catch phrases, we have a roundtable discussion and SHAWN HART'S silly catch phrases.)
HART: "BOO-YAH, GRAMMA!! The PHENOM... has... lllllllllaaanded!!!"
(Hart's younger sister, FELICIA, interjects from across the table.)
FELICIA: "Oh boy... S-OOOOOOOO uncool!"
(Sitting on yet another side of the table between the two Harts is none other than the World's Strongest Fat Guy, TINY. However, instead of tossing his two cents into the conversation, the man from Blankagonk, Mississippi simply drools on himself as he lay asleep in his chair. Meanwhile, the Muff Daddy continues.)
HART: "Indeedily-doodily... the guh-grrrrrrrrrr-EATEST return in the history of not just New Era, not oooonly the wrestling industry, but the history of all humans, nndaddio! Hell, Syriana's got nuttin' on me!! Ebert and Roeper gave the Phenom so many thumbs up, they both developed carpel tunnel and lost a couple of fingers while they were at it!"
FELICIA: "Well, I mean... it WAS pretty sweet."
HART: "Darn tootin'! Sweet like Cyndi Lauper's cinna-buns, baby! But we can't rest our laurels on an awesome debut and think it's all gonna come easy, OH NO! Cuz this week, LIVE on Raucous... NEW TWO-YEAR ANNIVERSARY SHOW... it's gonna be the SNAPPER, Steve Johnson and yours truly, the latest SENSATION to hit our great nation, makin' girlies feel the PHENOMULATION, the Prime Minister of Gettin' Sinister, first she spreads her legs and then I FINISH HER... the PHENOM of 'rasslin... the SHOOTER, SHAWN HART!"
FELICIA: "Is it just me, or do you collect nicknames like Tiny collects cholesterol?"
HART: "Shoooot, call me Jennifer Garner cuz I gots da ALIAS!"
FELICIA: "And nice li'l heinie too!"
HART: "Lord have mercy!!!"
(Suddenly, Tiny SPRINGS from his chair as the shouting shakes him from slumber.)
TINY: "Gott-DAYUM ass crayummps!! Th' hellz'gon-on uppin-her?!"
HART: "What's goin' on is the fact that the Corona Man is gonna walk onto Raucous, jump around like he's lost his CAUCUS, and the show the WORLD what the greatest ATHLETE, the greatest WRESTLER, and the greatest SHOWMAN in the biz is all about! I've rocked it like Fred Flintstone in the Legacy of Champions, I've *****SLAPPED the squared circle in DCW and Empire Pro, and now... the time has finally come for my first big match in New Era! When I showed up on NEW TV last week, I made a promise to the whole lot of ya that 2006 was gonna be the year of the Phenom, and by God... it all starts with Steve Johnson! I know the man, I've followed him a bit... not too shabby if ya ask me, but ya know what? PHAT Papa Shawn's got a li'l somthin' he doesn't, you know what that is?"
FELICIA: "What's that, big bro?"
(Muff Daddy cracks a grin oh so mischievous)
HART: "A SNOWBALL'S CHANCE IN HELL. BABY!!! Haaaaaaaaaahhh!!! What can I say? If I've told ya once, I've told you all a thousand times, when it comes to Shawn Hart... if you try to go over, you're gonna go UNDER! Period!"
FELICIA: "With SIX exclamation points... AND a hyphen!"
TINY: "Dat din-dinny-doo-dah-day dun barked up-da wraung DAYUM diddly-doo!!"
HART: "Couldn't have said it better myself! Steve Johnson, I'll see you in the RING!! The PHENOM... has left... the BUILDING!!!"
(FADE OUT)
