Segment 6- World Title Match
(FADEIN: Overhead shot from the ceiling in the upper crevices of the inside of the House of Blues, the entire crowd stirring, ready to go!)
MAYES (V/O): “We’ve waited a long time for this moment, Sir Simon. It’s time to unleash the fury and crown our first World Heavyweight Champion!”
SMITH (V/O): “I’ve got butterflies in my stomach, Mayes. I got good money on this!”
MAYES (V/O): “Up to Jerry Harwell!”
(SFX: Bell ringing three times, the room gets up to its feet!)
(CUTTO: JERRY HARWELL, in the middle of the ring, at the ready!)
JERRY HARWELL: “LADIES AND GENTLEMEN… IT IS TIME… FOR THE MAIN EVENT! (Crowd cheers!) And it is our… FOUR-WAY (Crowd cheering!) SIXTY-MINUTE (Louder!) IRONMAN MATCH (Louder!) FOR THE EL VEE DOUBLE-U WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP! (The crowd is loud!)”
“The rules for the match are simple. The wrestler with the most falls at the end of regulation time will be DECLARED the WINNER! (Cheers!)”
“In the EVENT of a TIE… (Crowd “Oooooo”s) for most falls at the end of regulation time, we will immediately go into an overtime period between the tied combatants, at which time, the winner of the sudden-death overtime period will be crowned the World Heavyweight Champion! (Pop!)”
“ARE YOU READY? (Cheers!) ARE YOU READY? (Louder cheers!) Michael Buffer has nothing on me! (Crowd laughs at the unexpected joke) LADIES AND GENTLEMEN… LET’S GET READY TO WREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHSSSSSSS-TLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLE!”
(MUSIC UP: “It’s All About The Pentiums” – Weird Al)
“It’s (Crowd chants LOUD!) all about the Pentiums, baby!”
(CUTTO: The stage, and a head with dark, moppy hair peaks out from behind the red curtain, surveying the nuthouse House of Blues! The head peaks out all the way, and the rest comes out from the curtain behind it – WEB BROWSER! The place goes nuts for him, WEB BROWSER looking in awe at the whole scene, stunned! WEB BROWSER, looking like 20 bucks, shyly tries to straighten out his new, freshly pressed white button-down shirt, not realizing he’s got it mis-buttoned all the way down, wearing it crooked! BROWSER gently shuffles down the mini-ramp, fans reaching for him, grabbing his new pair of black Dockers, freaking out WEB BROWSER, who looks like he’s slowly adjusting to the entire crazy scene, or maybe just the bright lights!)
MAYES (V/O): “LISTEN to this crowd!”
SMITH (V/O): “I still can’t believe it, Mayes! These suckers that come to and live in Vegas will fall for anything – that slots are a positive play, that the buffets in this town are safe to eat from, that Celine Dion tickets are worth paying scalper prices for, and that THIS computer clown has the talent, or a chance, to win the World Heavyweight Title!”
MAYES (V/O): “You just don’t understand his appeal, just like you didn’t understand that your run at craps was going to come to a terrible end like it did!”
SMITH (V/O): “What appeal, that he’s a geek who dresses like a bum? And I thought we agreed to never bring the craps up – it’s all about the roulette wheel and the sports betting now!”
(WEB BROWSER is in his corner, kinda doing stretches, still surveying the loony bin around him.)
MAYES (V/O): “And now…”
(MUSIC UP: “I Am a Viking” – Yngwie Malmsteen)
*BONG*
(The fans jump even higher, if that was possible, and go bonkers!)
(The heavy metal guitar riffs rip through the House of Blues as clouds of smoke billow up on the stage in front of the entryway!)
“I am a Viking! I’m going out to war! I’ve got death upon my miiiiiiiiiiind!”
(CUTTO: The smoky stage, and there he is – OLVIR ARSVINNAR! The room loses it, OLVIR throwing his battle ax to the air, letting out the Viking war cry, and the room doing it back at him! ARSVINNAR power-stomps in his big brown leather boots trimmed with fresh roadkill down the mini-ramp towards the ring, the railbird fans grabbing all over his wolf’s hide loin cloth, and his He-man-esque brown leather torso straps, Mandalay Bay black-suit security trying to clear the way for OLVIR! OLVIR gets to the apron, surveys the crowd, then lifts his mead horn high for all to see, and chugs the ale to the last drop! OLVIR throws the mead cup into the crowd, nearly causing a riot as fans jump all over it! ARSVINNAR grabs ahold of his Viking helmet, high-steps it over the top ropes into the ring, and throws both helmet and battle ax to the air with another Viking scream, the crowd marking for it all!)
MAYES (V/O): “OLVIR ARSVINNAR!”
SMITH (V/O): “Viking porn!”
MAYES (V/O): “Olvir is seen by many, especially here in the crowd, as the odds-on favorite to win the World Title here tonight, SIR Simon!”
SMITH (V/O): “I may have a soft spot for the movies, Mayes-“
MAYES (V/O): “Soft spot? Um.”
SMITH (V/O): “This is no time for jokes, Mr. Viagra, let me finish! There was too much money going on Olvir at the book, and one of my rules is to never bet where the Joe fan money is going – I had to lay off his line!”
MAYES (V/O): “As his song says, you’re a fool and you don’t know! Olvir has DOMINATED his competition on his way into tonight’s 4-Way Match.”
SMITH (V/O): “I found someone better and at a better price!”
MAYES (V/O): “Just like with the craps…”
SMITH (V/O): “Stop!”
(OLVIR high-steps it around the ring, WEB BROWSER still in his corner, now looking at OLVIR from the peripheral, a grimace on his face, still quasi-stretching in his corner. OLVIR stops and looks BROWSER up and down, who pops out of his quasi-stretching to peer right back at OLVIR.)
MAYES (V/O): “Our competitors are itching, but we have two yet to come…”
(MUSIC UP: “National Anthem of Poland”)
(The House of Blues gets NASTY, the boo-birds coming out of hiding, raining down at the first note of the anthem!)
SMITH (V/O): “This is my man, RIGHT HERE, Mayes! At 8 to 1, it was a HYOOGE steal! I couldn’t believe it!”
(CUTTO: The curtain, and out straps down and with a sneer on his face is HANS NOWAK, the room giving him hell! Out from behind NOWAK comes MISS ANN, dressed to the nines in her slutty Eastern European business finest – skimpy white sheer three-button top revealing her flat stomach, with much red color popping from her bra underneath, red mini-skirt, red strappy heels, her blonde hair all tied back and done up, black librarian glasses – and she scratches her man’s arm, teasing him toward the ring! HANS hovers behind her, slowly pulling up the straps on his half-white/half-red ode-to-the-Poland-flag singlet, the colors meeting right down the middle, everything coming together at the Polish Falcon crest on his stomach!)
MAYES (V/O): “Do I even want to know how much money you put on Hans?”
SMITH (V/O): “Enough to retire!”
MAYES (V/O): “Hans had a controversial road to get into the 4-Way Match-“
SMITH (V/O): “Stop right there! Don’t you understand how BIG and STRONG this man is? He may be a little lacking upstairs, but it’s damn near impossible to do significant damage to him if you can’t get him off the ground!”
MAYES (V/O): “He was getting taken off his feet in his semi-final match, but the help of Miss Ann saved him from-“
SMITH (V/O): “Details, schmetails, he won! And he’s going to WIN – TONIGHT… for the BOTH of US!”
(HANS NOWAK climbs into the ring, and immediately gets into a nose-to-upper-chest staredown with OLVIR ARSVINNAR, the crowd jumping like bandits! WEB BROWSER hovers behind the two of them from the camera’s view, eyeing the situation closely, seemingly doing calculations in his head, or still trying to adjust his eyes to the bright lights! Referee CESAR MARTINEZ gets in between OLVIR and HANS, holding them back, try as he might! MISS ANN hovers around ringside, looking attentively at the situation.)
MAYES (V/O): “They’re ready to go at it!”
SMITH (V/O): “Well, what are we waiting for?”
MAYES (V/O): “Our last competitor!”
(The lights dim in the House of Blues, red strobe lights shooting out of the LVW “Welcome to Las Vegas”-esque logo above the red curtain!)
(MUSIC UP: “Bat Country” – Avenged Sevenfold)
(The honeys in the crowd start to shriek, the guys cheering loud, lifting their drinks to the air!)
(CUTTO: The stage, and out through the red curtain comes “Cowboy” JAMES DONOVAN, pumping his fists to the roars of the crowd! DONOVAN, in new platinum/silver tights with “DONOVAN” in black on the seat, platinum/silver kneepads and elbow pads, and his black boots with platinum/silver tassles flowing off the tops, grabs the cowboy hat off his head and lifts his arms high in the air, taking in all the marking out! With a canary smile on his face, DONOVAN heads down the mini-ramp, a rush of random bras, panties, and room keys being thrown his way, guys also slapping his hand, ready to buy him a drink! DONOVAN gets to ringside and soaks it all in, MISS ANN seen on the next side of the ring brushing up against the apron, giving DONOVAN an interested glance! DONOVAN looks up into the ring, and finds HANS NOWAK, OLVIR ARSVINNAR, and WEB BROWSER all looking down at him from various distances, all three trying to keep eyes on each other as well! DONOVAN slowly throws his knee up onto the apron, gently getting into the ring, keeping an eye on all three, no four of them!)
MAYES (V/O): “Can you FEEL IT, SIR Simon!”
SMITH (V/O): “Feel what? The disdain of having to have to hear this hillbilly crying over his lost slut, dedicating this match to a dime-a-dozen hooker?”
MAYES (V/O): “No, this room, it’s electric!”
SMTIH (V/O): “Sure, avoid the facts when I tell them to you!”
MAYES (V/O): “James Donovan may have dedicated this match to Fabiola, but he’ll have to worry about getting revenge for that another time – right here, TONIGHT, he’s going for the World Heavyweight Title, and has three big-time opponents staring him down!”
SMITH (V/O): “And you think he can just brush that off? I don’t think so, Mayes!”
MAYES (V/O): “Folks… we’re ready to go. Up to Jerry Harwell for the introductions!”
JERRY HARWELL: “LADIES AND GENTLEMEN… PLEASE WELCOME THE COMBATANTS! (Cheers!)”
“FIRST, to my left… He hails from… (JERRY looks interestingly at his card, then gently nods his head, seemingly in approval) …he hails tonight from the PENTHOUSE SUITE, here, at MANDALAY BAY! (Crowd cheers knowingly! BROWSER drops his head, shyly.) Weighing in at TWO hundred and forty-five pounds… HERE HE IS… THE WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHB BROOOOOOOOOWWWWW-SERRRRRRRRRRR! (Crowd cheers loud!)”
“NEXT… he hails from SAINT JOHN’S, NEWFOUNDLAND, CANADA! (Room gets louder!) Weighing in at three hundred and eleven pounds… HE IS… the VIKING PORNSTAR! HE IS… OL-VIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR ARS-VI-NARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! (The HOB goes nuts, OLVIR bellows out another Viking roar!)”
“NEXT… he hails from Bia Rawska, Poland! (BOOS!) Tonight, weighing in at well over three-hundred pounds of pure muscle! (HANS snarls!) Led to the ring by MISS ANN! (Catcalls!) HE IS… THE POLISH WAR MACHINE… HE IS… HANNNNNNNSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-WAK! (The crowd boos LOUD, HANS points at one of the tuxedo-wearing fans in the front row, spitting words!)”
“AND FINALLY! (Cheers!) He hails from Enid, Oklahoma! Weighing in at TWO hundred and forty-seven pounds… HERE HE IS… (Crowd gets loud!) THE VEGAS COWBOY… JAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMMMMMMMESSSSSSSS DONNNNNNNN-O-VAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN! (The women shriek loudly, the guys cheering as well!)
“Your referee for the World Heavyweight Championship Match is Cesar Martinez!”
(CESAR MARTINEZ lifts the cranberry-red strapped LVW World Heavyweight Championship belt to the sky, the platinum and multi-color diamonds sparkling off of it, the “LVW” logo spinning a bit, for all to see! CESAR goes to the four wrestlers, one by one, showing them what they are fighting for!)
MAYES: “That is what they are fighting for, the LVW World Heavyweight Championship!”
SMITH: “C’mon ref, let’s get this thing started!”
MAYES: “Feeling the anticipation?”
SMITH: “I’m 60 minutes away from having enough dough for hookers and blow for a full year, hell yes I am, Mayes!”
MAYES: “Cesar Martinez gives the ringside attendant that beautiful belt, and all four wrestlers – Hans, Olvir, Donovan, Web Browser – are all ready to go, all eyeing each other down, Miss Ann on the outside, I don’t trust her out there…”
(SFX: Bell ringing, and the crowd gives a loud cheer! A giant clock appears on the balcony and begins counting down from 60:00)
MAYES: “And HERE WE GO!”
SMITH: “FINALLY!”
MAYES: “And we are underway for the LVW World Title! Browser attacks Donovan and Hans goes with him, the two men hammering away on Donovan who’s trying to fight back…Olvir now hammers Hans from behind and the two of them trading shots.”
SMITH: “Finally Mayes! Finally we’re going to have a champion, and it’s going to be the BEAST in the Red and White of Poland!”
MAYES: Donovan hammering Browser and he WHIPS Browser into Hans! Both men stagger…DONOVAN WITH A ROLL UP ON BROWSER! ONE! TWO! NO! Olvir breaks it up!”
SMITH: “That idiot whore addict nearly STOLE a cheap pin!”
MAYES: “If Hans got a pin like that you would be crowing about how smart he is…Donovan now hammering away on Olvir while Browser is trying to get his wits about him, and Hans now with a HARD shoulderblock sends Browser to the floor and follows him outside…”
SMITH: “Beat the web geek’s skull in and then pin him a few hundred times and get the belt!”
MAYES: “Donovan still peppering Olvir with right hands and he kicks the big man in the gut to double him off…Donovan off the ropes with a KICK TO THE HEAD of Olvir and the big man is staggering…Donovan hooks him…BELLY TO BELLY SUPLEX! He covers! ONE! TWO! NO! Olvir kicks out!”
SMITH: “Donovan might have gotten the idiot Viking off his feet but he can’t pull off a move like that to Hans, he’s just to massive!”
MAYES: “I don’t know about that Smith…Olvir staggering to his feet while on the outside Hans just THREW Browser into the railing! The power of the Polish War Machine is just unreal!”
SMITH: “And that’s why I got him at 7 to 1…Steal of the century and the lock of the year baby!”
MAYES: “Donovan whips Olvir into the corner and now he’s going to the second rope and hammers away (Crowd counting along!) 1! 2! 3! 4! 5! 6! 7! 8! 9! 10! Right hands! Olvir is on dream street and Donovan with a BIG hiptoss just send the big man sailing into the middle of the ring…Donovan now waiting on Olvir…Wait a second…Hans just grabbed Donovan by the legs and dragged him to the outside! Donovan and Hans now trading shots…Browser now seeing the chance he’s climbing the ropes…He’s up top!”
SMITH: “He’s a danger to himself and everyone in this building!”
MAYES: “Olvir catches him…BIG TIME SLAM OFF THE TOP! Olvir still a bit groggy but he stumbles over and covers Browser! ONE! TWO!...NO! Browser just kicked out!”
SMITH: “Dammit Browser! If you’re going to make mistakes and nearly get yourself pinned do it against Hans!”
MAYES: “Hans grabs Donovan and whips him into the steps…NO! Reversal by Donovan! (SFX: Metal clanging) and Hans hits the STEEL steps hard! Hans staggers as Donovan now gets back into the ring and he is throwing BIG TIME right hands into the face of Olvir! Olvir now firing back and Donovan staggering…Donovan just grabbed Olvir by the trunks and sent him to the floor! Olvir hits the floor and Hans is all over him stomping away!”
SMITH: “Beat his ass! We need maiming Hans! Don’t ever stop beating on any of them!”
MAYES: “Donovan and Browser now going at it in the ring…Donovan whips Browser into the ropes…BIG BACKDROP! Browser hits hard and staggers to his feet…PICTURE PERFECT DROPKICK BY DONOVAN! (Crowd pops!) Donovan covers! ONE! TWO!...NO! Browser kicks out!”
SMITH: “AHH! Come on Hans, quit fighting the stupid Viking and get in the ring! We can’t let either of these sex crazed ninnies win the World Title!”
MAYES: “Sir Simon Smith, member of the Christian Right is here for color…Donovan pulls Browser up and hooks him…SUPLEX…And he’s holding Browser up for a good long time before FINALLY dropping him hard to the mat…The cover! ONE! TWO!..NO! Browser again kicks out!”
SMITH: “I never thought I’d say this but thank goodness for Browser!”
MAYES: “You are if nothing else a man of conflicting interests Sir Simon…Donovan continues to hammer Browser while Olvir and Hans are brawling on the floor…Donovan now off the ropes…HUGE CLOTHESLINE!”
SMITH: “That’s Browser’s job!”
MAYES: “Donovan now getting ready, he’s going to try to plant Browser…Browser to his feet…DONOVAN HAS HIM UP…OKLAHOMA STAMPEDE! NO! BROWSER PUSHED HIM INTO THE CORNER! Browser slid off Donovan’s shoulder and threw him into the corner…Donovan staggers backwards…SAFE MODE! BROWSER HAS THE SLEEPER ON DONOVAN!”
SMITH: “Put him out! PUT HIM OUT!”
MAYES: “Donovan is fighting it…JAWBREAKER! Donovan drops down and now both men are laid out in the ring…Hans now DRIVES Olvir’s head into the STEEL steps and he’s in the ring…Browser staggers to his feet…CHOKESLAM! CHOKESLAM! HANS JUST PLANTED HIM! HANS COVERS! ONE! TWO!...THREE! NO! DONOVAN BROKE IT UP! (Crowd pops!)
SMITH: “NO! NO! It’s so unfair!”
MAYES: “Oh quit your crying…Browser rolls to the floor as Donovan is continuing to put the boots to Hans…Donovan gets Hans to his feet and drills him with a couple of rights…Donovan off the ropes…Shoulderblock…DONOVAN GOES DOWN!”
SMITH: “Like running into a brick wall!”
MAYES: “Hans acting like a bug just hit a his windshield just staring down, glaring down at Donovan, who gets back up and charges him again…AND CRASHES TO THE MAT AGAIN!”
SMITH: “Oh Baby! It’s rough sledding now isn’t it you hick?! The Polish War Machine means business!”
MAYES: “Hans now pulling Donovan up by his hair and just slings him into the corner like he’s a feather! Hans driving a series of knees into the gut of Donovan and now measuring him…BIG kick to the gut…ANOTHER! Donovan crumples to the mat…Hans now pulls Donovan up and locks in a BEARHUG in the middle of the ring!”
SMITH: “BREAK HIM! Crush his ribs into a fine ashen powder!”
MAYES: “Hans just squeezing for all he’s worth…Olvir back in the ring and a BIG BOOT to Hans breaks the hold (Crowd pops) Hans is staggered…Olvir off the ropes…ANOTHER BIG BOOT DROPS THE BIG MAN! OLVIR COVERS! ONE! TWO!...NO! Hans kicked out!”
SMITH: “It’s a plot, it’s a conspiracy against the Polish, it’s not right! Why do they all gang up on Hans?! Do they all hate me?!”
MAYES: “Oh I’m sure everyone’s worried about you…Olvir now trying to pick Hans up…Browser out of nowhere jumps on his back…SAFE MODE! HE’S GOT THE SLEEPER ON OLVIR!”
SMITH: “It’s dreamland for Mr. Viking Porn!”
MAYES: “Olvir trying to get Browser off his back but he has the sleeper sunk in deep…Olvir down to one knee…I think he might be out! Referee Cesar Martinez now checking Olvir’s arm…It drops once! He checks it again…It drops twice! He lifts the arm up for a third time…DONOVAN BREAKS IT UP!”
SMITH: “That no good butt-in-ski! If anyone’s going to get a fall that isn’t Hans it might as well be Browser…Hell he hates Donovan almost as much as I do!”
MAYES: “Hans now getting up and he’s hammering away on Donovan…Both Browser and Olvir are laid out on the mat…We’re at the 12 minute mark into this match and nobody’s gotten a pin yet…Hans now throws Donovan into the corner and now a series of shoulderblocks to the gut of Donovan…The Cowboy now whipped to the other corner…HE EXPLODES OUT WITH A CLOTHESLINE! (Crowd pops) Hans was DROPPED by that shot! Hans quickly back to his feet…Donovan off the ropes…Elbow to the head staggers Hans…Donovan going for a slam! NO! Hans drills him with a right hand to the back and puts a stop to that!”
SMITH: “Donovan must have a screw loose if he thinks he’s going to slam Hans…I mean, that’s like picking every 5 to win in the first round.”
MAYES: “I’ve heard you’re dead money of the highest order in those things.”
SMITH: “Texas all the way baby!”
MAYES: “Oh dear…Hans now bashing away on Donovan with right hands…He’s now got him up…FALLING POWERSLAM he just DROPPED himself on top of Donovan and CRUSHED him! The cover! ONE! TWO!...THREE! NO! DONOVAN GOT HIS FOOT ON THE ROPES!”
SMITH: “AHHH! Even the REFS are against me!”
MAYES: “Or Cesar is calling a fair match right down the middle, it COULD be that also! Hans and Miss Ann getting on Cesar’s case…Browser and Olvir getting up now…OLVIR DRILLED BROWSER WITH A CLOTHESLINE SENDING HIM OVER THE TOP TO THE FLOOR!”
SMITH: “Oh Browser, we hardly knew ye.”
MAYES: “Olvir and Hans now going at it again…Both men trading shots…Hans lifts up Olvir…Inverted atomic drop! BLOCKED! Olvir uses the moment to connect with a series of kicks to the stomach of Hans and now rapid fire rights and lefts to the chin of the Polish War Machine…Hans looks out on his feet as Olvir now off the ropes with a BIG BOOT! NO! HANS SIDE STEPS! He’s got Olvir by the throat…CHOKESLAM! NO! Olvir breaks that up with a series of Elbows to the jaw of Hans…Hans staggers and now both men run to opposite sides of the ring…DOUBLE CLOTHESLINE! BOTH MEN HIT THE MAT HARD!”
(“EL-VEE-DOUBLE-U! EL-VEE-DOUBLE-U!”)
SMITH: “Did the ring just BOUNCE or am I seeing things?!”
MAYES: “I don’t know but it was a SICKENING impact of these two huge men crashing down on the mat! Both men are down and they may be out…Donovan now trying to crawl over to the prone body of Olvir…He drapes an arm over him…ONE! TWO!...THREE! NO! NO! WAIT A MINUTE MISS ANN JUST PUT OLVIR’S FOOT ON THE BOTTOM ROPE!”
SMITH: “HA! What a smart lady! ANYTHING to prevent a pin.”
MAYES: Donovan getting up and he looks outraged at Miss Ann…BROWSER OUT OF NOWHERE! He just DRILLED Donovan with a knee in the back driving him into the corner…SAFE MODE HE’S GOT IT ON DONOVAN! DONOVAN’S FIGHTING FOR ALL HE’S WORTH!”
SMITH: “Both the other men are out! Donovan’s in a world of trouble!”
MAYES: “Donovan trying to fight the hold…WAIT! BROWSER WITH A ROLL UP! ONE! TWO!…THREE! HE GOT HIM!”
(Crowd groans!)
HARWELL: “The winner of the Fall…WEB BROWSER!!”
(BROWSER gets a mixed reaction for scoring the pin, since he pinned DONOVAN to do it, more boos then cheers fill the House of Blues.)
MAYES: “It’s been 18 minutes and we have our first pinfall of the match, as Web Browser has jumped out to an early lead…He covers Donovan again! ONE! TWO!...THREE! NO! DONOVAN KICKS OUT! He covers him AGAIN! ONE! TWO!...NO! Donovan kicks out AGAIN! Browser now drops a series of elbows on Donovan and covers again! ONE! TWO!...NO! HANS BREAKS IT UP!”
SMITH: “Whew! I mean, I like Browser in that he’s not Donovan or Olvir, but let’s get serious here, there’s money on the line and I need my horse to get into the race!”
MAYES: “Hans now hammering on Browser…He throws him into the corner…Olvir now up and BOTH MEN are kicking the daylights out of Browser in the corner…They whip Browser to the other corner…He stumbles out…FLAPJACK!”
SMITH: “It clearly doesn’t pay to be the lead dog in this pack! Browser is getting mauled for jumping out to an early lead!”
MAYES: Donovan now up and HE’S joining in on the ‘Kill Browser’ group…He drops a series of elbows on Browser…Now all THREE men standing over Browser and stomping away on him!”
SMITH: “They are going to form a circle around him, and kick him till he dies!”
MAYES: “Browser being just mauled…And now Hans calls off the other two and he scoops up Browser…PRESS SLAM! He’s going to go for the double stomp to complete the HANS ATTACK! NO! DROPKICK BY DONOVAN ON HANS! And a dropkick on Olvir by Donovan!”
SMITH: “Miserable backbiting betrayer!”
MAYES: “Donovan now with a cover on Browser! ONE! TWO!...THREE! NO! HANS BROKE IT UP! AND HANS…IS…PISSED!!!”
SMITH: “The Cowboy may have just had his last ride!”
MAYES: “Browser rolls to the floor after that mugging he just suffered and Donovan now being pounded on by Hans…Olvir getting up…HANS WITH A POLISH HAMMER JUST KNOCKED OLVIR SILLY!”
SMITH: “The War Machine is on the War Path Mayes!”
MAYES: “Olvir just fell through the ropes and hit the floor HARD…Hans now screaming for Donovan to get up…Donovan gets to his feet gingerly…AND GETS SCOOPED UP!!! OH NO!!! PRESS SLAM DROPPING HIM FACE FIRST...He kicks him over onto his back…DOUBLE STOMP TO THE GUT! HANS ATTACK! THE COVER! ONE! TWO!...THREE!”
HARWELL: “The winner of the fall, typing Web Browser for the Lead…HANS...NOWAK!!”
(Crowd boos loudly!)
MAYES: “Hans just CRUSHED Donovan and now he’s even with Browser…Hans now going for another cover on Donovan…ONE! TWO! NO! OLVIR BROKE IT UP! Olvir now pulling Hans to his feet and drilling him with right hands…Hans staggering…OLVIR OFF THE ROPES WITH A BIG FOOT! HANS CRASHES TO THE FLOOR!”
SMITH: “He LANDED on Browser! The geek just got squashed flatter then a pancake!”
MAYES: “Olvir now over to the prone body of Donovan…Olvir grabs him…OH LORD! OH MY! HE’S GOT HIM UP!!! NORDIC BOMB!! NORDIC BOMB!!! HE JUST PLANTED DONOVAN!!! ONE! TWO!…THREE!”
SMITH: “Donovan is DEAD! HE IS DEAD!”
HARWELL: “The winner of the fall and moving into a three way tie for first…OLVIR ARSVINNAR!”
(Crowd pops)
MAYES: “Olvir now covers Donovan again! ONE! TWO! HANS BREAKS IT UP! Hans now all over Olvir as Donovan, with whatever energy he has left falls to the floor to try to escape the beating he’s just taken…”
SMITH: “It’s to bad we don’t have a body bag at ringside to put him in.”
MAYES: “We have a little over 40 minutes left and in the last 5 minutes we’ve had a flurry of pins…Everyone’s gotten on the board at the expense of the Cowboy…And now Hans and Olvir are in the ring glaring at each other…Hans is calling for a Test Of Strength!”
SMITH: “Olvir would be a fool to accept!”
MAYES: “They lock hands and it begins! Both men fighting and straining to get the other man to the mat…Hans drives Olvir down to one knee, and now he’s down to both knees…Hans wrenching the hold in…Olvir trying to fight it.”
(Crowd starts stomping and clapping.)
SMITH: “Hans is going to score his second fall when he submits this idiot Viking who foolishly agreed to put himself in this position!”
MAYES: “Olvir is up to one knee! Hans lets out a yell and tries to push him back down, but Olvir won’t be denied…He’s shaking that leg he’s getting fired up by this crowd…AND HE’S BACK TO HIS FEET! OLVIR NOW TWISTING HANS’S WRISTS…The big man is going to go down…BROWSER WITH A KNEE TO THE BACK OF OLVIR SENDS HIM CRASHING INTO HANS! BROWSER ROLLS UP OLVIR! ONE! TWO!…THREE! NO! NO! OLVIR KICKED OUT!”
SMITH: “Dammit Browser! Hans was just giving Olvir false hope before CRUSHING it out of him!”
MAYES: “Oh…Give me a break…Browser now dropping a series of elbows on Olvir and now he charges Hans…Ugly looking dropkick to Hans staggers the big man!”
SMITH: “Man that guy puts the slop in sloppy.”
MAYES: “Olvir getting to his feet as Browser now hits him with a couple of right hands and is going for a suplex…Olvir blocks it…Another…NO! OLVIR WITH A SUPLEX! HE SUPLEXES BROWSER OUT TO THE FLOOR!”
(EL-VEE-DOUBLE-U! EL-VEE DOUBLE-U!)
SMITH: “I don’t know why Olvir got rid of Browser, cause now he’s going to have to face the Polish War Machine!”
MAYES: “Hans and Olvir trading right hands in the middle of the ring as this crowd is going crazy! These two giants hammering each other…Olvir is staggered…Hans whips him to the ropes…Clothesline is ducked by Olvir…Olvir comes back the other way…SPEAR BY OLVIR HE JUST DRILLED HANS! OLVIR COVERS! ONE! TWO! NO! Hans kicked out!”
SMITH: “Fluke! Fluke! Come on Hans, get after him!”
MAYES: “Olvir hammering away on Hans, while on the outside, Browser has mounted Donovan and is beating the stuffing out of him!”
SMITH: “Browser said he didn’t care about this title, he really just wants to maim Donovan, and he’s getting his wish!”
MAYES: “Olvir picks Hans up…He’s going to try to slam him…NO! HANS FALLS ON OLVIR! ONE! TWO!…THREE! NO! OLVIR KICKED OUT!”
SMITH: “These idiots keep trying to lift this man off the ground, it’s impossible!”
MAYES: “Oh just shut up! Hans now with the advantage and he gets Olvir up and whips him into the corner…Hans walks in and a CLOTHESLINE rocks Olvir’s head back and he looks glassy eyed…Hans now with a series of knees to the gut and now a series of chops!
(“Whoo!”)
SMITH: “Beat the idiot Viking into the ground! Destroy him!”
MAYES: “Hans whips Olvir HARD into the other corner and the Viking drops to his knees in agony…Hans walking over with a cocky swagger and now just KICKS Olvir right in THE HEAD…Olvir hit’s the mat hard and Hans covers! ONE! TWO! NO! Olvir kicks out just in time!”
SMITH: “Oh come Hans…Lift this big goof over your head, throw him to the mat and beat his ass dead!”
MAYES: “Hans now pulls Olvir up and lifts him…BACKBREAKER…And now Hans just bending Olvir over his knee trying to make him submit!”
SMITH: “Break his back! Maim him!”
MAYES: “Olvir trying to fight out of this hold…He can’t expect any help from Browser, who seems content to beat on Donovan who’s still on the outside…Olvir is struggling with Hans who’s just mauling him…Olvir with a series of right hands to the face of Hans finally gets the big man to let go of the hold!”
SMITH: “Bah…Why can nothing ever be easy for me, I had to go into the hole nearly 10 large before the Roulette wheel finally admitted who was the boss and I could finish the night up 4 grand.”
MAYES: “One of these nights the wheel is going to decide that it is the boss, Sir Simon…”
SMITH: “No shot!”
MAYES: “Hans now CLUBS Olvir with a forearm and another, and now he locks in a BEARHUG, continuing to attack the back of the Viking!”
SMITH: “He’s such a smart wrestler on top of being one of the strongest, now if only he’s have that deal with Miss Ann like that Russian guy on the Jazz has…”
MAYES: “you want to sleep with Hans?!”
SMITH: “No Miss Ann you idiot! Don’t they both have that one night stand free pass thing?!”
MAYES: “I have no idea…Olvir again being pushed to the brink by the massive arms of the Polish War Machine…Hans squeezing for all he’s worth on Olvir…Browser…Well I don’t even know if he’s noticing there’s action in the ring as he’s just NUTS in his quest to beat on Donovan, as he’s just dropped the Cowboy THROAT FIRST on the Steel railing!”
SMITH: “Maybe I could become a Browser fan after all, I’ve always liked Weird Al.”
MAYES: “You’re weird…Olvir now with a headclap, and another! A third, and he’s finally broken free of the bear hug! Hans is staggered and Olvir now slugs away on him with a series of right hands…Browser has finally given up on his quest to destroy Donovan and he’s hammering away on Olvir now with right hands…The two men go off the ropes and a DOUBLE SHOULDERBLOCK rocks Hans backwards…They go off the ropes again…WAIT! MISS ANN JUST TRIPPED OLVIR! Olvir storming to the outside chasing Miss Ann! Browser sees what happened to Olvir and stops short…AND HANS GETS HIM BY THE NECK! OH NO! CHOKESLAM! CHOKESLAM ON BROWSER! THE COVER! ONE! TWO!…THREE!”
HARWELL: “The winner of the fall and taking the lead in the match…HANS NOWAK!”
(Crowd boos loudly!)
SMITH：“That idiot Olvir didn’t even notice the pin was happening he was so busy chasing after Miss Ann! Ha! Now Hans has a strangle hold on both Browser, AND this match!”
MAYES: “Hans now has 2 falls, Browser and Olvir are tied at a fall each and Donovan has been crushed and is currently shut out.”
SMITH: “Speak the truth Mayes, my bet, my pick, is going all the way!”
MAYES: “We are nearly half way through this match…Hans now stomping away on Browser and covers him again…ONE! TWO! NO! OLVIR BREAKS IT UP! Olvir finally gave up on the chase of Miss Ann and stopped Hans from getting a 2 fall lead in this match!”
SMITH: “Bah, why did he have to pick NOW to get smart?”
MAYES: “Now Olvir dropping elbows on the back of Hans who’s trying to get up to his feet…Hans gets up but continues to be pounded on by Olvir who’s just smashing his face with right hands…Hans staggers back into the ropes and now gets whipped to the other side…BIG BOOT by Olvir and Hans staggers…Olvir lets out a growl and a winds up…Mjolnir-Blow! He just decked the big man and he covers! ONE! TWO!...THREE! NO! NO! BROWSER BROKE IT UP!”
SMITH: “Whew! Great save Browser!”
MAYES: “Browser stomping away on Olvir who took an elbow by Browser hard to the back of the head…Olvir now dragged to his feet by Browser who kicks him in the gut…Browser off the ropes…BULLDOGS OLVIR DOWN! He covers! ONE! TWO! NO! OLVIR KICKS OUT!”
SMITH: “Get up Hans! Dammit, we can’t be having any fluke pins screw things up now! Get up you big oaf!”
MAYES: “Hans is starting to get up…Browser charges him…STIFF CLOTHESLINE! Hans knocked off balance by that shot…He drops to one knee…Browser off the ropes…KICK TO THE HEAD…Hans falls to his back! Browser dives on top of him with the cover! ONE! TWO!...NO! Hans POWERS out of the pin!”
SMITH: “Get this clueless moron away from Hans! He’s a menace to everyone!”
MAYES: “Hans is trying to get up as Olvir comes over and hammers away with right hands to the face of Browser…Browser now thrown into the corner by Olvir who kicks away at him…Hans getting up…And Olvir now grabs Hans and whips him INTO BROWSER! And now Olvir backs into the corner…AVALANCHE INTO BOTH MEN! OH MY!”
SMITH: “He just mashed Browser into jelly!”
MAYES: “Hans staggers and falls to the mat…Browser just falls lifeless to the mat…Olvir covers Browser…ONE! TWO!...THREE! NO! NO! MY GOODNESS HOW DID HE KICK OUT?!”
SMITH: “He’s stupid and useless but he’s clearly tough!”
MAYES: “Olvir now pulls Browser into the middle of the ring…He’s got him hooked for The Nordic Bomb! HE’S GOT HIM UP! HANS JUST HIT OLVIR FROM BEHIND! BROWSER CRASHES ON TOP OF OLVIR’S CHEST! THE COVER! ONE! TWO! NO! OLVIR KICKS OUT!”
SMITH: “What a joke that would have been if Browser had stolen a fall that way! I mean Hans did all the work for him!”
MAYES: “Hey, any way you can get a pin you take it in this match, the stakes are too high…Hans now stomping away on both Browser and Olvir…Hans picks Browser up and throws him to the ropes…Browser comes back and gets lifted up…AND SPINEBUSTERED DOWN! Hans covers! ONE! TWO!...THREE! NO! NO! Browser somehow got the shoulder up, as Hans now glares at Cesar!”
SMITH: “I know the ref is bias against Hans cause I got money on him, I accept this…LVW exists totally to shame and hurt me, so well Hans, you just have to suck it up and make it IMPOSSBLE for them to screw you by beating everyone to death!”
MAYES: “Oh you’re a joke, the man is LEADING in the match, HOW can it be rigged against him?!”
SMITH: “I-I...I…Well you just SAW that last pin! I could have counted to twenty!”
MAYES: “Browser kicked out, just shut up…Hans now gets over to Olvir and drills him with a right hand before he gets himself to his feet…Olvir staggers back into a corner Hans measuring him and drives a shoulder into his gut…And another! Hans with a chop (Whoo!) and another (Whoo!) and Olvir is rocked…Hans now with a right hand…Blocked! A right by Olvir! Another…Hans staggers…INTO A SCHOOLBOY BY BROWSER! ONE! TWO!....NO! OLVIR BREAKS IT UP!”
SMITH: “Man, Browser is just the king of the cheap fall attempt! If I didn’t have so much money on my man Hans I might almost respect that!”
MAYES: “I’m sure Browser lays awake at night hoping he has your respect Sir Simon…Olvir and Hans now on their feet and trading punches with Browser now getting to his feet…WAIT! DONOVAN ROLLS UP BROWSER! ONE! TWO!...NO! BROWSER JUST KICKED OUT!”
SMITH: “Where the HELL did he come from?!”
MAYES: “James Donovan who had been left for dead just hit the ring and NEARLY got on the board…Hans now DECKS Donovan with a Clothesline! And now the Polish War Machine is going to the floor…Wait a minute, what’s he doing, he’s got a table, he just threw the table into the ring!”
SMITH: “It’s time to really turn up the brutality!”
MAYES: “Hans now setting up that table in the ring…Olvir over to try to stop him…Hans with a series of right hands staggers Olvir…HANS SLAMS OLVIR HARD TO THE MAT! WHAT POWER!”
SMITH: “Olvir’s over 300 pounds and Hans just scooped him up like he was a feather!”
MAYES: “Browser gets a kick to the skull for his troubles and now Hans grabs Donovan and he puts him on the table…Oh no…OH NO! Hans is up top…HE’S GOING TO SPLASH DONOVAN THROUGH THE TABLE!”
SMITH: “DESTROY HIM!!”
MAYES: “WAIT! Browser is up and he’s caught Hans! The two men now trading punches on the ropes…And now Olvir is over, Olvir and Browser have Hans rocked! They are trying to Superplex him off the top rope!”
SMITH: “Good luck with that!”
MAYES: “Donovan now gets himself off the table, and he’s going over…All three men now hook up Hans…(SFX: Table shattering) OH MY!! SUPERPLEX THROUGH THE TABLE!! ALL FOUR MEN ARE DOWN AND OUT!!”
(“HOLY SH*T! HOLY SH*T!”)
SMITH: “They ALL used the table on Hans, ALL of them should be DQ’ed and Hans should be awarded three falls!”
MAYES: “He brought the table into the ring, so it’s his problem if it got used on him, and besides the net would kill us over the DQ thing...Donovan crawls over to Hans and just throws himself on top of him…ONE! TWO!...THREE!!! HE GOT HIM!!”
(Crowd pops!)
HARWELL: “Here is the winner of the Fall…JAMES DONOVAN!”
MAYES: “Just under 20 minutes left, Hans leads with 2 pins, Browser, Olvir and Donovan now all have one fall apiece…Donovan covers Hans again! ONE! TWO!...NO! Hans kicks out! Donovan trying to get to his feet…He’s got a second wind and now he’s hammering away on Olvir while Cesar is getting the pieces of that table out of the ring.”
SMITH: “GET UP HANS! This is getting to tense…I respect him going for the home run and all, but now he’s made it that any of these three idiots with a fluke pin could tie him! This is terrible!”
MAYES: “Olvir is being rocked by a resurgent Donovan who whips him to the ropes…Backdrop by Donovan…NO! Olvir going for a sunset flip! NO! Donovan drops to his knees and grabs Olvir’s legs…HE’S GOT OLVIR TIED UP IN A KNOT! ONE! TWO!...THREE! NO! NO! BROWSER BROKE IT UP!”
SMITH: “SEE?! Did you SEE that?! This is to close…I need water…I need air…I can’t take this!”
MAYES: “Donovan now all over Browser, he whips him to the ropes…BELLY TO BELLY SUPLEX! Donovan covers! ONE! TWO…THREE! NO! BROWSER KICKED OUT IN TIME!”
SMITH: “Why isn’t the clock running faster?! They rigged the clock to stop didn’t they?! Like when the Soviets screwed the Americans in that basketball game!”
MAYES: “You really need to calm down Sir Simon…Donovan is a one man wrecking crew…Hans now up and he takes a series of right hands from Donovan and is staggering…Miss Ann is SCREAMING at Hans…Hans hears her and he drops under the bottom rope and rolls to the outside…What is he doing?!”
SMITH: “Miss Ann is telling him to stay on the floor and just run in the ring to break pins, he’s got the lead and she wants him to sit on it, I’m not to sure about this Mayes, I never have been a fan of the prevent defense.”
MAYES: “Donovan yelling at Hans but now he turns his attention to Browser and continues beating on him…Browser whipped into the corner…Donovan charges…Browser catches him with a HARD BACK ELBOW as Donovan was coming in…Browser now with a STIFF CLOTHESLINE sends Donovan to the mat and he covers! ONE! TWO!...NO! HANS PUT DONOVAN’S FOOT ON THE ROPES!”
SMITH: “Well maybe this isn’t such a bad idea after all!”
MAYES: “Browser now drags Donovan more to the middle of the ring and drops an elbow on him…He covers…ONE! TWO!...NO! Donovan kicked out! Olvir now over and Browser’s trying to get a truce between the two of them to beat on Donovan and Olvir seems to agree to it…Both men whip Donovan into the ropes…DOUBLE TEAM HOTSHOT! Donovan down and clutching at his throat!”
SMITH: “Well it doesn’t matter if they can’t pin him, and clearly neither one of them will let the other get a fall, and Hans will be waiting also, so go ahead suckers, beat on him while the clock runs and gets me ever closer to the pay window!”
MAYES: “Browser now holds Donovan and Olvir kicking away on the midsection of the Cowboy…Browser now lets go and gets a running start from behind Donovan…AND BULLDOGS him to the mat!”
SMITH: “This night has been going bad for Donovan, if it keeps up he might end up wishing he’d been the one sawed in half!”
MAYES: “Browser now stomping on Donovan…OLVIR CLOCKS HIM! Olvir with the backstab and now he’s hammering away on Browser with right hands and CLOTHESLINES HIM OVER THE TOP TO THE FLOOR! Olvir now going back to Donovan…HANS GRABS DONOVAN! Hans just PULLED Donovan out of the ring by his leg…AND NOW RUNS DONOVAN BACK FIRST INTO THE RING POST!”
SMITH: “HA! What a smart move! Now there’s nobody in the ring for Olvir to pin! Miss Ann’s plan is working to perfection!”
MAYES: “Olvir now storms to the outside and Hans backs off…Olvir standing over Donovan, he doesn’t want to get to active in trying to get Donovan up knowing Hans could backjump him…Finally he gingerly scoops Donovan up while keeping an eye on Hans, who’s pleading all innocent as if he’d never DREAM of attacking Olvir…Donovan rolled back into the ring…Olvir gets back into the ring and he locks Donovan in a BEARHUG! Donovan lets out a scream…HANS IN THE RING LIKE A SHOT AND BREAKS IT UP!”
SMITH: “Hans knows Donovan is a born quitter, if he’d been in that hold more then 10 seconds he woulda cried uncle and given Olvir a tie!”
MAYES: “Olvir gets his bearings and he finally turns around but Hans is already back on the floor and just goading the Viking…Olvir looks steamed but there’s really not a lot he can do…He picks up Donova and locks him in a headlock…Donovan trying to fight it…This crowd is clapping…Trying to rally the Cowboy…Browser getting to his feet on the outside…Browser now up on the apron…Donovan with a series of elbows to the gut of Olvir finally breaks the hold and he pushes him into the ropes…OLVIR CRASHES INTO BROWSER…WHO FALLS INTO HANS!! DONOVAN WITH A CRADLE! ONE! TWO!...THREE!! NO! NO! OLVIR JUST KICKED OUT!!”
(Crowd groans)
SMITH: “AHHH! Oh that was close…My heart nearly stopped…This is worse then praying for a backdoor cover…WHY IS THERE STILL 15 MINUTES LEFT? THIS IS HELL!!”
MAYES: “15 minutes and 28 seconds!”
SMITH: “Oh shut up, everyone second is a dagger in my soul and you know it!”
MAYES: “Indeed I do…Hans stomping away on Browser in rage over the fact that he nearly cost him a chance to break up that pin…Donovan now gets Olvir back to his feet…BACKSLIDE BY DONOVAN! ONE! TWO!...HANS BREAKS IT UP! And Hans quickly gets to the outside right after doing so!”
SMITH: “The Polish War Machine is now a tactical genius, I bet he’s going to write the sequel to Art of War.”
MAYES: “Oh you’re to much…Donovan looking to Cesar about what Hans is doing, but if he was counted out, Cesar just sort of shrugs at Donovan in response…Donovan now yells at Hans to get in the ring, he’s even opening the ropes and INVITING him into the ring, but Hans just ignores him…”
(“Hans is a *****!” Clap…Clap…Clap-Clap-Clap (“Hans is a *****!” Clap…Clap…Clap-Clap-Clap.)
SMITH: “These swine! They can’t accept genius when they see it!”
MAYES: “I think this crowd is right to be on Hans’ case weather or not this is a smart move by him or not…Donovan now back to work on Olvir with right hands, hammering away on the big man, who’s staggering…Donovan whips him to the ropes…DOUBLE CLOTHESLINE…BOTH MEN DOWN!”
SMITH: “YES! Run the clock!”
MAYES: “Hans is thinking the exact same thing, pointing at the clock and now making the belt motion…Every second running off the clock is to Hans’ benefit…Browser now crawls into the ring as Donovan and Olvir start to get up…Browser hooks BOTH MEN…OH NO! DOUBLE DDT!!!”
SMITH: “Oh lord, we may need TWO AMBULANCES!”
MAYES: “Hans shoots into the ring and starts beating the daylights out of Browser with big right hands…Browser firing back on Hans…Hans racks Browser’s eyes and now throws him to the floor! Hans covers Donovan! ONE! TWO!...NO! Donovan kicks out! Hans covers Olvir! ONE! TWO!...NO! Olvir kicks out! Hans rolls to the floor after his bid for an insurance fall failed!”
SMITH: “It would have been nice, no doubt about it, but we’re still in good shape, WIND THE CLOCK! KEEP THEM IN BOUNDS!”
MAYES: “I think you’re getting your sports mixed up…Browser gets back to his feet and he gets into the ring as again both Donovan and Olvir are getting up…Browser hammers away on Donovan with right hands…Off the ropes…Kick to the gut doubles over Olvir…RUNNING KNEE LIFT BY BROWSER ROCKS OLVIR!”
SMITH: “Tick-Tick-Tick…Come on! COME ON CLOCK…ONE TIME! ONE TIME!”
MAYES: “Browser gets caught from behind by Donovan…INVERTED DDT! DONOVAN COVERS! ONE! TWO! NO! Donovan got up and Hans ends up driving a double ax handle into Browser’s face! Donovan stomping away on Hans who rolls to the floor…Donovan covers Browser again! ONE! TWO!...AGAIN HANS ENDS UP HITTING BROWSER! Donovan grabbing at Hans who’s fleeing the ring like a bat out of hell…Olvir grabs Donovan from behind…CURTAIN CALL! He just DRILLED him! OLVIR COVERS! ONE! TWO! NO! HANS JUST YANKED OLVIR OUT OF THE RING!”
SMITH: “Whew! Keep it going Hans, ignore all these haters in the crowd and the cheap stunts by Donovan and just keep riding this lead!”
MAYES: “Right now he is in fact just under 12 minutes away from winning the LVW World Title, but ANYONE can tie him with a pinfall…Olvir shoots Hans a look and heads back into the ring…OH MY! BROWSER KICKED THE ROPE AS OLVIR WAS GETTING INTO THE RING!”
SMITH: “Even I feel for Olvir on that one!”
MAYES: “Olvir crumples to the mat…Browser drags him to the middle of the ring and covers…ONE! TWO! NO! Browser jumps off him as Hans hits the ring and gets on Hans’ back…SAFE MODE! SAFE MODE ON HANS! Hans runs backwards and CRUSHES Browser into the corner! Donovan dives on top of Olvir! ONE! TWO! NO! OLVIR KICKS OUT! Hans was busy freeing himself from Browser and couldn’t have got there in time, but Olvir kicked out!”
SMITH: “Has Olvir even been pinned yet?!”
MAYES: “Now that you mention it, I don’t think he has been…Hans now having pried himself free from the clutches of Browser has once again taken up his position on the floor and is awaiting further action…Donovan gets Olvir up and DRILLS him with a chop (“Whoo!”) and now a series of chops! (“Whoos!”) Donovan pounding away on the big Viking…He throws him into the corner and kicks away at the midsection of Olvir…He goes over and grabs Browser and pulls him in…DOUBLE KNOGGIN KNOCKER!”
SMITH: “Not that they had much brains between them but that CAN’T be good for them!”
MAYES: “Browser stumbling around all loopy as Olvir falls in the corner…Donovan catches Browser with a BACK SUPLEX! And now he charges and DRILLS HANS WITH A BASEBALL SLIDE! Donovan rushes back to cover Browser! ONE! TWO!...NO! Browser kicked out!”
SMITH: “Even when he doesn’t break up the pin, the mere THREAT that he’ll do so makes people waste time before covering, Hans has got this thing on lockdown!”
MAYES: “There’s now 10 minutes left in this match…I can hear Sir Simon’s heart racing as we sit here…Donovan and picks Browser back up…And hooks him…SNAP SUPLEX! Donovan pulls Browser up and throws him over his shoulder…HE’S GOING FOR THE OKLAHOMA STAMPEDE! NO! OLVIR CAUGHT HIM WITH A KICK TO THE HEAD AS HE WAS RUNNING! BROWSER LANDS ON TOP OF DONOVAN! ONE! TWO!...THREE! NO! OLVIR AND HANS BREAK IT UP!”
SMITH: “AHHHH!!! That was only two right?! RIGHT?!”
MAYES: “I thought Hans had this thing on lockdown!”
SMITH: “DON’T TOY WITH ME MAYES! Jimmy Two Times knows people, Mikey Gumdrops could have you resting next to Hoffa if I give the word!”
MAYES: “Oh I’m sure of that…Hans back to the outside as Olvir and Browser are now battling in the ring…Browser staggers Olvir and now hooks him…SIDE RUSSIAN LEGSWEEP! Browser now stalking Olvir…Waiting for him to get up so he can once again get him in Safe Mode…”
SMITH: “Does the moron not know that Hans will run in and stop that from working?! I mean seriously!”
MAYES: “Maybe he’s got a plan for that also…Olvir’s up…SAFE MODE! NO! OLVIR COUNTERS WITH A STUNNER! Olvir falls on top of Browser! ONE! TWO!...NO! DAMMIT HANS BROKE IT UP AGAIN!”
SMITH: “HA! Victory is nigh!”
MAYES: “Hans’s tactics while underhanded are legal, and they clearly have been effective…We’re now down to 8 minutes in this match…Still Hans clings to that 1 fall lead over the rest of the pack…Donovan now gets up and drops a series of Elbows onto Olvir…Donovan and everyone in the ring look beat-up and tired, nearly an hour of combat has left these men in a bad way…Donovan picks Olvir up and throws him into the corner…OLVIR HITS HARD…FLYING CLOTHESLINE BY DONOVAN TAKES THE VIKING DOWN! HE COVERS! ONE! TWO!...THREE! NO! NO! DAMMIT HANS AGAIN WITH THE SAVE!”
SMITH: “Oh this is just the best, look at these fools killing themselves and for NOTHING! The Polish War Machine has outfought and outsmarted them all!”
MAYES: “The three men in the ring are just laying there trying to find some energy while Hans paces on the outside like a caged animal, he’s just waiting for the seconds to tick down to give him that title…All three men in the ring struggling to their feet now…Donovan is up and gets drilled from behind by a forearm from Web Browser…Donovan stumbles into a corner where Browser is now just CHOKING Donovan! Browser lets go of the choke and drives a series of shoulders into Donovan’s gut…He lifts Donovan up top and he’s hooking him up for a Superplex! NO! Hans held Donovan’s leg and Browser just crashed hard to the mat! Olvir rushes over for a cover! ONE! TWO…NO! DONOVAN OFF THE TOP WITH AN ELBOW TO THE BACK OF OLVIR’S HEAD! HE COVERS OLVIR! ONE! TWO!...THREE! NO! HANS BREAKS IT UP!”
SMITH: “That was crazy! But in the end, harmless! Whew!”
MAYES: “Hans covers Olvir! ONE! TWO!...THREE! NO! NO! OLVIR KICKS OUT! Down to 5 minutes left as Hans quickly gets himself back on the floor to make sure he’s out of the fray and ready for any pins…Now Browser gets up to his feet and he’s going to the outside…He’s going up top!”
SMITH: “OH DEAR GOD NO!”
MAYES: “BROWSER OFF THE TOP!! NOBODY HOME! I have NO idea who he was aiming for, but he missed by a foot on both Olvir and Donovan…Olvir now getting up and he’s waiting for either man to get up…Olvir revving up this crowd as he taps his foot and gets ready to kick somebody in the head…Browser getting to his feet first…Olvir springs…NO! Hans tripped him! Olvir hits face first on the mat! Browser stumbles over towards Olvir as he gets back up and the two men trade shots and now Olvir rocks Browser with a right and Olvir himself takes a few steps backwards…AND FLIPS HIMSELF OVER THE TOP TO THE FLOOR! OLVIR NOW BEATING THE HELL OUT OF HANS!”
SMITH: “WHAT?! WHY?! What is he DOING?!”
MAYES: “Olvir has finally had enough of Hans’ crap and is beating the hell out of him! Hans just got sent HARD to the STEEL ringpost! Olvir now SLAMS Hans’ head into the apron! In the ring Browser is waiting on Donovan to get up…He’s stalking him, ready for the Safe Mode!”
SMITH: “Is it getting hot in here? I need air conditioning, and a shot of whisky! Why is Olvir doing this to me?! WHY?!”
MAYES: “Because he wants to win the match and only by maiming Hans is he going to have a chance to get a pin…Donovan is up…SAFE MODE! NO! DONOVAN WITH A GO BEHIND! HE ROLLS UP BROWSER…ONE!...DONOVAN BRIDGES! TWO!...THREE!!! HE GOT HIM!!!”
SMITH: “NOOOOOO!!!!”
(Crowd pops huge!)
HARWELL: “The winner of the fall and now tied for the lead in the match…JAMES DONOVAN!!!”
MAYES: “James Donovan, who’d been all but LEFT FOR DEAD at the start of this match is now tied with Hans for the lead with just over 2 minutes left in the match!”
SMITH: “Oh I’m gonna be sick, this is like when I put that huge wager on the Colts Money Line against the Steelers only to watch Vandershank blow it for me…I’m gonna puke!”
MAYES: “Hans and Olvir both charged the ring but were to late and now we’re tied at 2 falls for Hans and Donovan and one fall for Browser and Olvir…Hans is on the war path beating the hell out of Donovan…Hans has Donovan by the throat…CHOKESLAM! HE STUCK HIM LIKE A TACK! ONE! TWO!...NO! OLVIR BREAKS IT UP! Hans getting a taste of his own medicine!”
SMITH: “Oh just shut up…COME ON HANS…SUCK IT UP AND PIN SOMEBODY!”
MAYES: “We’re at 90 seconds…And Hans staggers Olvir with a right hans…BROWSER JUMPS ON HANS’ BACK…SAFE MODE! HE’S GOT IT LOCKED IN!”
SMITH: “Swat that fly off your back Hans! Come on!”
MAYES: “Hans fighting the sleeper while Olvir is now pounding on Donovan…Olvir with a slam! ONE! TWO!...NO! A minute left…Browser clinging to dear life to the sleeper, Hans fighting it, while Olvir now goes off the ropes…BIG LEGDROP ON DONOVAN! HE COVERS! ONE! TWO!...NO! Donovan again kicks out! 40 seconds left…Hans CRUSHES Browser in the corner, but Browser won’t let go, he’s got a vice grip on that sleeper!”
SMITH: “This is to much, get rid of him Hans! COME ON! SHAKE HIM!”
MAYES: “Olvir getting desperate as he picks up Donovan…SMALL PACKAGE BY OLVIR! ONE! TWO…NO! DONOVAN REVERSES IT!
SMITH: “AHHHH!!!!!”
MAYES: “DONOVAN WITH THE CRADLE ON OLVIR! ONE! IF HE GETS HIM HE’LL WIN THE TITLE! TWO!...THREE!! NO! NO! OLVIR KICKED OUT!”
SMITH: “Breathe…Just breathe…”
MAYES: “25 seconds left…Olvir and Donovan scramble to their feet, throwing punches at each other…Hans just dropped to one knee! He might be fading! Hans down to both knees as Browser squeezing for all he’s worth…Olvir rocks Donovan with a big time right hand…Donovan staggers…10 seconds left…Cesar checking Hans…His arm drops once! BIG KICK TO THE HEAD BY OLVIR ON DONOVAN! HE KNOCKED HIS BLOCK OFF…OLVIR COVERS! CESAR DROPS HANS’S ARM FOR THE 2ND TIME…IT DROPS…CESAR LEAPS OVER TO COUNT OLVIR’S PIN! ONE! TWO!...THREE! NO! THE BELL RANG!! THE BELL RANG BEFORE HE GOT THE THREE COUNT!”
SMITH: “Oh lord…This is to much!”
MAYES: “Browser just threw Hans to the mat in disgust, Browser SCREAMING at Cesar about him abandoning the arm checks of Hans to count the pin on Donovan…Cesar motioning that he had to count the pin…BROWSER JUST DECKED CESAR!”
SMITH: “Serves him right! Stupid bastard!”
MAYES: “Olvir looking around pissed off, he’s not in the overtime…Which currently features two men laid out in the ring and a knocked out ref!”
SMITH: “I don’t think Olvir was even pinned…I mean I got a lot of money riding on Hans, but still this feels kind of unfair to the guy, like those crazy tiebreakers in the World Baseball Classic and stuff!”
MAYES: “You’re right, Olvir WASN’T pinned during this match…Browser has left the ring after getting his pound of flesh from Cesar…Olvir now leaving the ring, and as he’s doing so he’s grabbed a young woman out of the crowd and carried her to the back!”
(Crowd pops for Olvir grabbing the woman.)
HARWELL: “James Donovan and Hans Nowak are tied two falls apiece, they shall now battle in SUDDEN DEATH...The first man to score a fall will be the NEW LVW WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION!”
(Crowd pops!)
MAYES: “Both men down, the ref is down…This is crazy! Donovan crawling over to Hans…Hans has been out ever since that sleeper…Donovan gets an arm across his chest…Cesar crawling over…ONE!....TWO!.....NO! HANS KICKS OUT! Cesar is face down still out of it after counting that pin…Donovan back to his feet…He’s motioning he wants Hans back up…Donovan waiting on Hans…OH NO! MISS ANN JUST HIT DONOVAN IN THE BACK OF THE HEAD WITH ONE OF HER SHOES! Donovan crumples to the mat after that cheap shot!”
SMITH: “YES! YES! COVER HIM! COVER THAT MAN!”
MAYES: “Hans throws himself on top of Donovan! Cesar crawls over…ONE!....TWO!....THREE!! NO! NO! DONOVAN KICKED OUT!”
SMITH: “NO! DAMMIT! Hit him again with a shoe and if that doesn’t work, a chair, then a knife, then a gun! BEAT HIM!”
MAYES: “Hans now getting up…He pulls Donovan to his feet…CHOKESLAM! NO! Donovan with a series of kicks breaks it up…DONOVAN WITH A PICTURE PERFECT STANDING DROPKICK FLOORS THE BIG MAN! HE COVERS! ONE!...TWO!...THREE! NO! NO! HANS KICKED OUT!”
SMITH: “That was to close, come on Hans, you can do it! GET HIM!”
MAYES: “Donovan now gets Hans back up and Donovan is just throwing right hands with all he has at the big man…Donovan off the ropes…POLISH HAMMER BY HANS! HE JUST FLATTENED DONOVAN! Hans raises his arms over his head…He’s calling for the Hans Attack!”
SMITH: “Do it! Crush him! Get me my money!”
MAYES: “Hans scoops Donovan up…PRESS SLAM! NO! DONOVAN LANDS BEHIND HANS! Donovan with a flurry of punches…He grabs Hans by the singlet sends him HARD into the turnbuckle…Hans is staggered…Donovan’s gonna go for the Oklahoma Stampede!”
SMITH: “IMPOSSBLE! HE’LL NEVER GET HIM UP!”
MAYES: “Donovan hooks him…HE GOT HIM UP!!!! MY GOD!!! DONOVAN WITH HANS OVER HIS SHOULDER HE TAKES 3 STEPS! DRIVES HANS INTO THE MAT!”
SMITH: “NO! NOOO!!!!”
MAYES: “THIS CROWD IS GOING CRAZY! DONOVAN HOOKS THE LEG! IS IT ENOUGH?! (ONE!) CAN HE HOLD HIM?! (TWO!) CAN HE DO IT?! (THREE!) YES! YES! YES HE CAN! HE DID IT!!!”
(MUSIC UP: “Bat Country” by Avenged Sevenfold)
SMITH: “Oh no…No…LVW better be prompt with the cash payment or I might not make rent…”
(The crowd continues to go crazy as DONOVAN is on his knees, arms raises in victory, nearly brought to tears by the moment…HANS stumbling from the ring glassy eyed, MISS ANN leading him to the back, a look of horror on her face.)
HARWELL: “HERE IS YOUR WINNER…And…NEW ELLLL! VEEEE! DOUBLE-U! WORLD! HEAVYWEIGHT! CHAMPION!!!! COWBOY! JAMES! DONNNNNN! AAAA!! VANNNNNN!!!!”
MAYES: “Cesar Martinez now handing the LVW World Title Belt to Donovan who clutches it to his chest…And now standing in the ring, raising the belt high over his head…LOOK AT THAT BELT SHINE!”
SMITH: “Oh I’m going to be sick.”
MAYES: “Donovan standing on the second rope…This crowd going nuts.”
(A small amount of fireworks go off from above the ring, the crowd pops more.)
MAYES: “The Cowboy has done it…Nearly a decade after he broke into this sport, James Donovan has lived his dream, he has become the first ever LVW World Champion! What a night this has been…For Sir Simon Smith, this is Jeff Mayes signing off, see you next time from the House of Blues!!”
(The camera shows Donovan still in the ring, soaking in the cheers of the crowd, he stands there for a few more moments as CESAR MARTINEZ secures the LVW World Title around his waist and then raises his arm, causing another series of flash bulbs to go off, Donovan goes to the 2nd rope of a different corner then where he was before and stands there raising his arms in victory…FADEOUT)
