LVW Week 2 on KCLV Channel 2 - Segment 07
(FADEIN: Wide shot of the House of Blues, from the balcony.)
MAYES: “Welcome back, and now it’s time for our Main Event! SIR Simon, what do you think Jimmy Two Times has up his sleeve?”
SMITH: “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
MAYES: “I’m talking about that last bit backstage – who was he on the phone with?”
SMITH: “Look MAYES, the man’s got important business to take care of. That schmuck with the camera had no need to be there overhearing confidential details of Jimmy’s garbage disposal empire!”
MAYES: “O… K, Sir Simon, believe what you want. But now it’s time to get to the ring!”
(CUTTO: JERRY HARWELL, mid-ring.)
JERRY HARWELL: “LADIES AND GENTLEMEN… THIS IS… OUR MAIN EVENT!” (The room lets out a cheer!)
(MUSIC UP: “California Love” – TuPac)
(CUTTO: The stage, and out hops MC LUSCIOUS BOOTY DIVA X to the cheers of the drunks! DIVA bounces up in down in her pink haltertop and short frilly skirt, leaving nothing to the imagination! LUSCIOUS strikes a pose and points to the curtain for the emergence of LIVING DEAD! LUSCIOUS hops down to ringside as LIVING DEAD slowly creeps his way toward the ring, taking to the stairs to make his way in. LUSCIOUS climbs onto the apron and leans back against the ropes to wild heat from the fratboys! LIVING DEAD goes off into the corner and stands back against the turnbuckle, looking, well, dead!)
SMITH (V/O): “Now that’s a pocket pair I’d like to get my hands on!”
MAYES: (V/O): “You go for the skinny, zombie type, huh?”
SMITH (V/O): “I was talking about MC Luscious!”
MAYES (V/O): “And now here comes Living Dead’s tag team partner!”
(MUSIC UP: “Paint It Black” – The Unseen)
(CUTTO: The curtain and out flies “The Last Goth Monster” MITCH GREY, zooming past the camera and diving head-first into the ring! GREY, in his cut-off jean shorts and ‘Sandman’ T-Shirt, pops up to his feet to a loud mixed reaction from the room! MITCH looks at the ready to go, but then loses the façade and shrugs his shoulders, getting into a grumpy mood.)
(B-ROLL: ‘LAST WEEK’ – Highlights of MITCH GREY v. JAMES DONOVAN, CUTTING to MITCH GREY bringing a chair into the ring and blasting DONOVAN with it, CUTTING to MITCH GREY at the curtain, holding the chair up high!)
MAYES (V/O): “As you see from last week at Grand Opening, Mitch Grey had a great bout with Donovan, but had to go ruin it by NAILING James Donovan with a blast to the head with the steel chair!”
SMITH (V/O): “From the looks of him this week he’s liable to snap again, Mayes! I’d watch out if I were ANYONE in this ring!”
(MUSIC UP: “New York, New York” – Frank Sinatra)
(CUTTO: The curtain as SIR SIMON SMITH whoops it up in his headset!)
MAYES (V/O): “Settle down!”
(Out comes “The Inferno” CARMINE ESPOSITO! His hair freshly quaffed, and gold chains glistening from being freshly polished, ESPOSITO flashes a smile, showing off his flashy nylon white ring jacket, turning to reveal “The Inferno” bedazzlered across the back in red glitter! JIMMY TWO TIMES, in his boss three-piece, comes out behind ESPOSITO, patting him on the back, giving him encouragement! The room giving them no love, they get into the ring, where ESPOSITO goes toward the other corner, and starts chatting up MC LUSCIOUS, who’s not giving him the time of day! JIMMY grabs CARMINE’s face and gives it a gentle tap, and leads him back to the corner as MITCH GREY shakes his head at the scene.)
SMITH (V/O): “Look at’em, Mayes! How can you not love these guys?”
MAYES (V/O): “I’m sure there’s a way, Sir Simon! And now, for his partner!”
(MUSIC UP: “National Anthem of Poland”)
(CUTTO: The stage, and out high-steps MISS ANN, wearing all black and the bug-eye sunglasses, her blond hair frizzled, looking ready for an Eastern European takeover! Her monster HANS NOWAK rips through the curtain, to the boos of the crowd! HANS snaps up the straps on his black singlet with the Polish Falcon Crest on the stomach and they make their way to ringside, MISS ANN grabbing onto NOWAK’s throbbing arm. At ringside NOWAK picks MISS ANN up off her feet and places her onto the ring apron, and then muscles his way up as well and climbs inside, giving CARMINE ESPOSITO a quick look up and down before leaning over the top rope to yell at someone in the front row!)
(“STUPID NO-SCHOOLED AMERICAN!” – HANS)
JERRY HARWELL: “The following contest is SET… for one fall! First, in the corner to my left… led to the ring by MC Luscious Booty Diva X – (Catcalls!) – he hails from PARTS UNKNOWN…. here he is, LIVINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNG DEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAADDDD! (The room cheers loud, as LIVING DEAD stands silently.)”
“And his TAG TEAM PARTNER… (Room starts to cheer!) …hailing from BOSTON, MASSACHUSETTS… weighing in at TWO hundred and SIXTY POUNDSSSSS… he is The Last Goth Monster, MITCH – GRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEY! (More cheers from the HOB, MITCH GREY stretching his arms, throwing his right into the air to acknowledge the crowd!)”
“AND THEIR OPPONENTS! (The crowd turns and boos!) FIRST… Hailing from Brooklyn, NEW YORK… led to the ring by his manager, JIMMY TWO TIMMMMESSSS… he weighs in at TWO hundred and THIRTY FIVE POUNDSSSSSSS… he is “THE INFERNO”, CAR-MINNNNNNNE ES-PO-SEEEEEEEEEEEE-TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH! (Louder boos as CARMINE rips off his jacket, JIMMY TWO TIMES climbing out of the ring to the floor.)”
“And HIS tag team partner… (Louder boos!) HAILING… from Bia Rawska, POLAND – weighing in… at THREE hundred and THIRTY pounds… he ISSSsss the POLISH WRECKING MACHINE… HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHNS NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-WAK! (HANS lets out a loud growl! MISS ANN strokes his arm with her fingernails and then ducks under the second rope to the catcalls of the room and takes the stairs to the floor below!)”
“Your referee… is Cesar Martinez.”
(JERRY HARWELL departs from the ring… and CECIL PEOPLES rings the bell!)
MAYES: “And we are UNDERWAY in the Main Event! It looks like it will be Mitch Grey starting off against Carmine Esposito… The two men circle… and waste no time getting to the fistacuffs! Right! Left! Right! Left! Right! Right again by Grey! A third right! Grey gets the best of it and sends Carmine to the mat! Carmine scrambles to his feet… SCOOP SLAM! Grey yells for Carmine to get up – Carmine back up - and he gets SLAMMED again!”
SMITH: “Get in there and help you big Polish freak!”
MAYES: “Carmine back to his feet again and finally they lock up! Grey takes advantage, and pushes him into the corner – BIG CHOP! (WOOOOOOOOs!) – AND ANOTHER! Grey grabs the arm, irish whiiiiiiiiiiiiP – CRASH goes Carmine into the corner! Carmine limps out, BACKBODY DROP! Esposito somehow to his feet again (OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!) BUT NO MORE! HUGE CLOTHESLINE BY MITCH GREY! Esposito nearly got turned into a pretzel!”
SMITH: “Someone tell that moron – THERE we go!”
MAYES: “Mitch Grey is feeling daring, as he’s let Carmine get tagged out by the Polish Wrecking Machine, Hans Nowak! Hans in and now we’ve got a war of words – Hans tries a right hand and is BLOCKED and met with a punch in return! And a second! Mitch Grey making punching bags out of the opposition! Grey runs the ropes – and IN with a shoulderblock! Hans is still on his feet and goading Mitch Grey to try it again! Grey off the ropes – SECOND shoulderblock, but the big man doesn’t look fazed! Hans is daring him to do it one more time! Grey off the ropes a third time – shoulderblock again! Hans is loopy on his feet – Grey off the ropes a fourth time… (POP!) SHOULDERBLOCK KNOCKS HANS DOWN!”
SMITH: “He’s only going to knock down that brick wall so many times!”
MAYES: “Grey – No! Hans right back up to his feet! Hans grabs for Grey – waitasecond! Mitch Grey grabs him for… HE’S GOT HIM UP – (POP!) BODYSLAM ON THE POLISH WAR MACHINE! (MISS ANN is stunned on the outside, her mouth agape, as the room gives it up for MITCH GREY!)
SMITH: “Unbelievable! Someone get a fire extinguisher and hose Grey down!”
MAYES: “Hans on the mat CAN’T BELIEVE what’s just transpired! Nowak’s up in a fit of rage but ANOTHER right hand from Grey! Mitch grabs his arm and WHIPS HANS INNNNNNN… FLYING CLOTHESLINE! The War Machine is DOWN again, and Mitch Grey is now going for the cover! ONE! TWO! …NO! Hans kicked out! WHAT a CLINIC being put on by Mitch Grey!”
SMITH: “I can’t think of what can stop this guy… (MITCH GREY tags in LIVING DEAD) on second thought, there we go!”
MAYES: “Living Dead in now, and DROPS the elbow on Hans! These two had quite the controversial ending to their match last week – Living Dead grabs Hans to his feet and hooks him in for… a jaw-breaker! Hans is stunned standing, grabbing his face in pain! Living Dead off the ropes… dropkick to the knee! Nowak falls onto his left knee – Dead off the ropes again (SMACK!) SHINING WIZARD! He clocked Hans in the head with that one!”
SMITH: “Romero’s zombies never moved this fast!”
MAYES: “Mitch Grey is tagged back in, and he grabs Hans’ leg, NO! Hans kicks free and rolls to his corner, and Carmine tags himself back in!”
SMITH: “I gotta wonder if Miss Ann zapped all the energy out of her man before the match, Mayes! It’s all that can explain what’s happening here!”
MAYES: “Collar and elbow tie up – Carmine THROWN to the mat. Carmine quick to his feet and charges Grey and NO GOOD! Mitch Grey knocks him down again! Carmine giving it a third try… TILT-O-WHIRL BACKBREAKER BY GREY! Grey is en fuego! He covers! ONE – TWO …NO! Kickout! My lord! Mitch Grey has just had his way in this match! Grey grabs Carmine and tosses him into the corner and now unloading with a series of shoulders into the gut! Carmine is in a world of hurt! Grey sends Carmine in for the ride… catches hiiiimmmmmMMMMM – (POP!) [BEEEEEEEEEEP]-HOLE SLAM! That’s his finisher! He nailed it!”
SMITH: “You’ve GOT to be kidding me!”
MAYES: “Grey hooks the leg! ONE! – TWO! – TH- HANS WITH THE BIG SAVE!”
SMITH: “Mitch Grey is on as hot of a run as I had with the dive this week!”
MAYES: “Referee Cesar Martinez telling Hans to get back to his corner… Mitch Grey drags Carmine by the hair back towards his corner, and MAKES the tag! Living Dead in, and with an ELBOW! Hard blow to the head, and now he FIRES Esposito crashing into the corner – NO! – REVERSAL! Living Dead head-first into the turnbuckle! Carmine grabs his head and leans him back; INVERTED BACKBREAKER! Dead’s back dropped right across Carmine’s knee and he’s out on the mat… spoke too soon! Living Dead sits up!”
SMITH: “That act won’t last for long, MAYES, I promise you that! The Inferno’s now gonna set him ablaze!”
MAYES: “Carmine brings Living Dead to his feet… punch, and another, scoops Living Dead up by the side… sidewalk slam! Carmine grabs an arm and a leg… dragging Dead towards the ropes? Carmine with a running start to the other end – off the ropes – forward rollllllllll… ROLLING THUNDER! He just splashed Living Dead mid-sit-up!”
SMITH: “That’s I-TALIAN THUNDER to you, Mayes! Get the names of the moves right!”
MAYES: “Well whatever it’s called it worked. Carmine with the cover – ONE – TWO …NO! Living Dead kicks Carmine off, and sits up once again!”
SMITH: “I’m sure Jimmy knows someone with a shotgun handy if it’s going to have to come to that to make the dead man stay down. This guy needs to stop sitting up!”
MAYES: “Carmine… TAGS in the big man! The Polish War Machine gladly comes in and is STOMPING the bejesus out of Living Dead! Hans grabs the head and peels Dead off the mat, stands him up, hooks him in a BEARHUG, and squeezing TIGHT! He did this last week as well, and I’m sure he wants it to finish the job this time!”
SMITH: “C’mon you big dummy, break him in half!”
MAYES: “Living Dead trying to get out of the predicament and – BITING HANS ON THE HEAD! That’s ONE way to get out! Hans lets go and checks on his forehead… looks at his hand, up at Living Dead at anger; GRABS him by the throat!”
(“STUPID ZOMIBIE NO BITE HANS! ZOMBIE DIE!” – HANS)
MAYES: “Hans has him uhhhhhHHHHHP – CHOKESLAM! Living Dead is plastered! But Hans isn’t covering… he stumbles towards the ropes, and Miss Ann up on the apron, checking on her man’s forehead.”
SMITH: “What if Hans is infected? Will he become a zombie? Will we have to put Hans down before that transformation happens?”
MAYES: “No he won’t you dummy. Hans is in fact NOT bleeding so your fears of impending zombification can be put to rest. And Living Dead just sat up! What will it take to keep him down? Hans turns his attention back towards the ring and grabs him; whips him to the ropes… catches Living Dead, turn and PLANTS a MASSIVE SPINEBUSTER! Hans now standing over Living Dead and smack-talking him!”
(“You stupid! You more stupid then my pet turtle! He better wrestler then stoopid zombie American too!” - HANS)
SMITH: “The zombie’s down for good now!”
MAYES: “Carmine, begging for a tag but Hans is blowing him off, busy giving Living Dead the business! Hans off the ropes, BIG KNEE into Dead’s chest! He lays on top… ONE – TWO …NO! Dead gets the shoulder up! Hans quickly grabs him and lift… back suplex! Hans back to his feet and off the ropes again! (SFX: SLAP) Carmine just made the tag there! ANOTHER big knee by Hans! Hans going for the cover but referee Cesar Martinez motioning to him that the tag was made!”
SMITH: “That’s right, it’s Carmine turn to beat the dead horse. He’s the man to finish the plan!”
MAYES: “Hans up in Cesar’s face, wanting the three count! Cesar admonishing him and finally Nowak heads for the apron, not happy at all! Carmine jumping all around the ring around Living Dead now, and it seems he wants him to get to his feet, and Living Dead is doing just that! Waitasec, Carmine off the ropes – RUNNING KNEE TO THE HEAD!”
SMITH: “I-19, Mayes! Carmine’s ready to finish his card and get BINGO!”
(CUTTO: JIMMY TWO TIMES looking disturbed on the outside.)
MAYES: “That’s weird, Jimmy Two Times doesn’t look all that happy.”
SMITH: “He’s all business when the game’s going on.”
MAYES: “Jimmy… Jimmy now yelling at Carmine to come talk to him, I don’t know what this is about, but Carmine’s waving him off! Carmine’s got his sights on Living Dead… Dead slowly back up to his feet – Carmine off the ropes – BINGO! BINGO! HUGE FLYING FOREARM! Living Dead may be knocked out cold for good!”
(JIMMY TWO TIMES grabs his head, looking in horror!)
MAYES: “CARMINE COVERS! ONE! TWO! (POP!) GREY MAKES THE SAVE! He’s had ENOUGH of this!”
SMITH: “Get him out of there!”
(JIMMY TWO TIMES clutches his heart and then wipes his brow)
MAYES: “Carmine can’t believe it, and I can’t tell whether Jimmy was happy with that or not!”
SMITH: “I told you, it’s all business!”
MAYES: “Carmine tags in Hans, and he slaps on a headlock! Living Dead has GOT to have the needle on empty right about now… (clap… clap…) This great crowd here in the House of Blues (clap.. clap.. clap..) they’re trying to bring Dead back to life! (clap. clap. clap. clap. clap to loud rowdy applause!) Living Dead thrusts his arm in the air! This crowd is rallying behind Living Dead – MC Luscious slapping the apron – and he’s getting up! Hans trying to hold on for dear life, and now only has a front face lock in place! Living Dead now PUSHING! This crowd getting louder! Mitch Grey is reaching out! Living Dead getting so-close!”
SMITH: “The dumb Polack is too high up! His leverage is terrible! He threw giant rocks and bench-pressed cars for goodness sakes, and now can’t handle the dead?”
MAYES: “Living Dead is ALMOST THERRRREEEEE… Carmine RUNS IN! (POP!) AND MITCH GREY TAGS IN! MITCH GREY – (BOOS!) WAITAMINUTE! Cesar Martinez is telling him he SAW NO TAG! He’s trying to get Mitch Grey out of the ring – (POP!) NOT HAPPENING! (HOOF!) RIGHT ON CARMINE! (HOOF!) RIGHT ON HANS! (HOOF!) RIGHT ON CARMINE! (HOOF!) RIGHT ON HANS!”
SMITH: “But he’s not the legal man!”
MAYES: “Grey off the ropes – (POP!) TACKLES HANS TO THE MAT! UNBELIEVABLE! Grey up and grabs Carmine… SWINGING NECKBREAKER! Esposito pops back up to his feet and falls against the roppppppeeessssssSSSSS – CLOTHESLINE BY GREY! BOTH MEN SPILL OUT TO THE FLOOR!”
SMITH: “We’ve got pandemonium, MAYES!”
MAYES: “Cesar out to the floor trying to break up the fight! What is Miss Ann doing – JUMPS ON MITCH GREY – (BIG POP from the men!) MC LUSCIOUS IN AS WELL! We’ve got a CAAAAAAAAAAAAAT-FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT!”
SMITH: “WOO-HOOOOOOOOO!”
MAYES: “Back in the ring Hans has Living Dead UP – POWERBOMB! He CRUSHED HIM! Hans covers, but Cesar Martinez is trapped outside! NOW what’s going on? Jimmy Two Times just grabbed bell-keeper Cecil Peoples’ chair and sneaks into the ring with it!”
SMITH: “He wants to get a close-up of the finish and be comfortable doing so!”
MAYES: “I don’t think so! Jimmy motioning to Hans that he wants him to lifts Living dead to his feet! Hans looking at him dumbfounded… but he’s picking Living Dead up! Jimmy’s yelling at him to stand him up straight!”
SMITH: “Jimmy wants one last good close-up look before Living Dead’s taken out to the Mojave for sure!”
MAYES: “Jimmy has the chair and he’s WINDING UP… HE’S NOT SWINGING!”
SMITH: “He took a bad angle, Mayes! He’s not liking his trajectory, it’s just like golf!”
MAYES: “Gimme a break! MULE KICK BY LIVING DEAD – (SFX: CRACK!) JIMMY TWO TIMES OBLITERATES THE CHAIR OVER HANS’ HEAD, BUT IT DOESN’T LOOK LIKE IT MADE A DENT!”
SMITH: “I can’t believe he’s not down! It was even a wooden number, meant to also leave splinters!”
MAYES: “All it’s doing is HANGING on Hans’ neck and he looks like he’s going to KILL JIMMY TWO TIMES!”
SMITH: “RUN JIMMY RUN!”
MAYES: “He’s doing just that! Hans chasing him and Jimmy scampers through the ropes! Hans makes a stab at grabbing him but misses! Two Times is running all the way out to the stage! (SFX: Flesh on steel!) And Grey sends Carmine crashing into the railing outside!”
SMITH: “The zombie’s alive again!”
MAYES: “And IN with a forearm to the back of Hans! And ANOTHER! He spins Hans around (SFX: SLAP!) HARD CHOP TO THE CHEST! Living Dead SENDING Nowak in for the ride – NO, REVERSAL! Dead off the ropes – Hans catches him – AND LIFTS LIVING DEAD STRAIGHT INTO THE AIR! HE’S GOT DEAD BY THE NECK AND LEG… PRESS SLAM! HANS OFF THE ROPES, THIS COULD BE IT – (OOOOOWWWWWW!) DOUBLE STOMP TO THE GUT! THE HANS ATTACK!”
SMITH: “Get in there ref!”
MAYES: “HANS WITH THE COVER, BUT STILL NO REF – WAIT, CESAR SCAMPERS BACK IN! WE HAVE ONNNNNNNNNE! TWOOOOOOO! (MITCH GREY dives into the ring but CARMINE ESPOSITO grabs his leg and holds him!) THREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! (BOOOOOOS!) MITCH GREY DIDN’T GET BACK IN ON TIME!” (SFX: Bell ringing!)
(MUSIC UP: “National Anthem of Poland”)
(MITCH GREY slams the mat dejectedly as CARMINE lets go and throws his arms into the air in celebration!)
JERRY HARWELL: “THE WINNERS OF THE MATCH… “THE INFERNO” CARMINE ESPOSITO AND HANS! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAK!”
MAYES: “Hans Nowak has made it one to one on Living Dead! Hans up and running around the ring with that chair still around his neck, and there’s Miss Ann to congratulate her man! But Jimmy Two Times DOESN’T look happy at all! SIR Simon Smith, if I didn’t know any better, I think your good friend Jimmy Two Times was trying to THROW this match!”
SMITH: “You’re delirious, MAYES.”
MAYES: “I don’t think I am! Look at him! He looks like he’s ready to faint! EYE think what that cameraman caught was him making a bet for 25,000 dollars, and EYE think he just lost a big chunk of mob money!”
SMITH: “You’ve got no proof, Mister Conspiracy Theory! It’s people like you coming up with these cocka-maney stories! Oswald acted alone, and Richard Nixon never did anything any other president didn’t do!”
MAYES: “GIVE me a BREAK! LOOK at this! Carmine’s trying to celebrate with Jimmy Two Times and Jimmy’s putting on a fake smile, when he was trying to SCREW HIS OWN TEAM!”
SMITH: “You think that’s fake? That looks like the smile of a proud father after his kid just made it through college! How DARE you smear Two Times with these BASELESS charges!”
MAYES: “Oh, I’m done with you! We’re out of time! Join us next week for the beginning of the road to our very FIRST LVW World Heavyweight Champion! For SIR Simon Smith, I’m Jeff Mayes, we’ll see you next time, GOODNIGHT!”
SMITH: “Only if the dice betray me, otherwise I’m outta here!”
(WIDE SHOT of HANS NOWAK jogging around the ring, soaking in all the heat! CLOSEUP of CARMINE ESPOSITO and a smiling JIMMY TWO TIMES shaking hands, and then ESPOSITO excitedly hugging JIMMY TWO TIMES – JIMMY TWO TIMES now gulping and staring towards the ring with the glare of death on his face!)
(BLACK)
