LVW World Championship Madness (4)

[Koby]

(MUSIC UP: "Jungle Boogie" - Kool & The Gang)

(FADEIN: Blue screen, flashy lights bordering all around, House of Blues logo in the middle, with date, time, and lots of 411.)

MAYES (V/O): “People in the Valley, come join us here at the House of Blues for some Las Vegas Wrestling action! Get your tickets now for our next show by hitting us up on the website listed, by calling 1-702-555-2525, or by showing up at the House of Blues at Mandalay Bay here on the Las Vegas STRIP!”

"And this is one show you DEFINITELY do not want to miss, as it is the FIRST ROUND of our LVW World Heavyweight Championship Tournament! Earlier today, brought to you by Bracketmaker.com (http://www.bracketmaker.com/tmenu.cfm?tid=137677), the tournament brackets were released!"

"These matches will lead to our semi-final matches next week, and then, the 4-Way, 60-Minute Ironman Match for the title, which will be on our first broadcast available to all MGM Hotel & Casinos LIVE on Closed Circuit Television, SuperShow On The Strip I!"

"Here they are, YOUR first-round matches!"

CLUBS BRACKET​

EL GORDO GRANDE v. "BROADWAY" JOHNNY DOLL
.
HANS NOWAK v. BILL BELLMOTH​

SPADES BRACKET​

SHORTY v. OLVIR ARSVINNAR
.
ELVIS AARON PRESLEY v. JACK HOUSE​

HEARTS BRACKET​

MITCH GREY v. JONATHAN NASH
.
"HARD HITTER" BEN LERNER v. THE WEB BROWSER​

DIAMONDS BRACKET​

GLADIATOR v. "COWBOY" JIMMY DONOVAN
.
THE LIVING DEAD v. EL MAGICK-O​

"Join us! EL VEE DOUBLE-U... taking it, to the OBSCENE!"​

OORP: This is it, what you guys have been waiting for. It's sink or swim time. We're giving you until the end of the day on Thursday, January 26th, to get in all your angles at lvw.prez@gmail.com, and to get all your RP up onto the board. 11 full days. More than enough.​

Unlike the past 3 cards, there will be zero goading from Stanton and I to get you to get RP up. It's up to you now. Again, sink or swim.​

Let's get ready to rock this house!​

Paul​

 

[Koby]

Re: LVW World Championship Madness Lineup!

Card will be up by Saturday at the latest.

The pace Mike and I are on, it may very well be up by Wednesday, but we gotta leave ourselves outs. Check back Tuesday night/Wednesday for sure.

 

[Koby]

Re: LVW World Championship Madness Lineup!

World Championship Madness.

Friday.

Be there.

Well, here.

 

[Koby]

Re: LVW World Championship Madness Lineup!

Card up in less than 2 hours.

 

[Koby]

LVW World Championship Madness - Segment 01

(COLD OPEN: Inside the House of Blues at Mandalay Bay! Strobe lights flash through the room from the “LVW” Vegas-style logo from the stage, beaming through the whole room, and the place turns into a mad house!)



“EL VEE DOUBLE-U! EL VEE DOUBLE-U! EL VEE DOUBLE-U!”



(The camera zooms through the crowd – to the tuxedo-wearing regulars in the front row, drinks in the air, screaming into the lens; to honeys in various amounts of dental-floss clubwear, all wearing cowboy hats, spinning panties on their fingers; up into the balcony, fratboys hanging off the rafters, a “HANS ATTACK!” banner hanging in front of them; next to them a group of wild Spaniards waving the Mexican flag; back to the floor to a loon in a Viking helmet, and a woman holding up a “I WANT TO BE ARSVINNAR’D” sign; suits, drunks, hobos, the elite, the tourists, they’re all here!)



(CUTTO: The middle of the “FULLTILTPOKER.NET” ring, standing in his Armani finest is JEFF MAYES, hair freshly cut and mustache freshly groomed, smiling from ear to ear! MAYES looks to the left, then to the right, then behind him, throwing his arms in the air to the loud approval of the crowd! MAYES twists back to face the hard-cam once again!)



JEFF MAYES: “WELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL-COME TO THE BALLYHOO! (POP!) WE ARE HERE… AT LAS! VEGAS! WRESTLING!”



“EL VEE DOUBLE-U! EL VEE DOUBLE-U! EL VEE DOUBLE-U!”



(The cameras scan the room again, and this time catches one SIR SIMON SMITH sitting at ringside at the announcer’s table, looking the personification of disheveled, as if straight off a 48-hour run at the tables – wrinkled button-down white shirt, sleeves rolled up, hair a greasy mess - head buried into his palms. JEFF MAYES back at the ready.)



MAYES: “We are here for LVW - WORLD - CHAMPIONSHIP - MADNESS! (POP!) I’m Jeff Mayes and I’m joined… (looks at the ringside table) as you can see down (points) THERE at the ringside table, by my (sarcastically) broadcast partner (/) Sir Simon Smith… SIR Simon, I thought you had left the position after the last show? (SIR SIMON SMITH waves a meek hand at MAYES, trying to wave him off) Weren’t you going to run away from ever having to see your OLD PAL Gladiator ever again by running the craps tables? (SIR SIMON now covering his ears, his eyes closed, as the room gives him static!) Is it true that you went up to Binion’s, ran a SEVEN-FIGURE ROLL, and then blew it all in one 36-hour run? (SMITH now shaking his head, wanting the demons to go away!) SIR Simon Smith… did you CRAP OUT?”



(The room marks out, and then falls into chant!)



“YOU CRAPPED OUT! YOU CRAPPED OUT! YOU CRAPPED OUT! YOU CRAPPED OUT!”



(SIR SIMON SMITH slumps off his chair, and down under the table in fetal position!)



MAYES: “Tonight we have sixteen wrestlers, all of whom are hoping not to go the way of SIR Simon and crap out themselves, as tonight, we have ALL EIGHT of our first-round matches, in the tournament to decide, who, at SUPERSHOW ON THE STRIP ONE – LIVE on CLOSED CIRCUIT TELEVISION throughout all MGM Hotel and Casinos in all of Las Vegas, and HERE at the House of Blues - will become the FIRST LVW WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION! (POP!) The litany of LVW stars are here – the locker room is full of nervous energy, and they’re all ready to fight their way to the top of the mountain! We have no time to waste, it is time to flesh out the brackets! (Pop!) It is time to CROWN a CHAMPION! (POP!)



“EL VEE DOUBLE-U! EL VEE DOUBLE-U! EL VEE DOUBLE-U!”



(MUSIC UP: “Two Shots of Happy, One Shot of Sad (Hot Nugget Remix) – Matt Dusk)



(CUTTO: Slow swooping helicopter shots of the Las Vegas skyline! From the Stratosphere tower, to the east to the Wynn, shooting straight south to Caesar’s Palace, circling all around to point to the south past the Paris Eiffel Tower and the Bellagio…)



V/O: “TONIGHT, we bring you PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING as it’s never been DONE BEFORE… IN THE CITY OF SIN!”



“I’M JUST A SINGER…. SOME SAY A SINNERRRRRRRRRR…

ROLLLLLLLLIN’ THE DIIIIIIIIIIICE… NOT ALWAYS A WINNER.”



(…The helicopter zooms in on the broadside of the MANDALAY BAY)



V/O: “Coming to you from the HOUSE OF BLUES at MANDALAY BAY, get ready for the glitz, the glammer, and the gore! Get ready for LAS! VEGAS! WRRRRRRRRESTLINNNNNNNG!”



(Soft FADEOUT to commercial)

 

[Koby]

LVW World Championship Madness - Segment 02

(FADEIN: The ring, “Hate In Ya Eyes” by Chamillionaire on the sound-system, the diminutive SHORTY, “Shorty 88” blue b-ball jersey clinging to him, running the ropes.)



MAYES: “We are READY for our first match in the LVW World Title Tournament, which will pit the Viking Porn Star, Olvir Arsvinnar, going against Shorty, who will have a very TALL order in front of him! After last week’s verbal back and forth with El Gordo Grande, Shorty has fallen silent… (SHORTY’s music fades out) …fallen silent just like my broadcast partner here, Sir Simon Smith! (QUICK CUT to SMITH at the announce table looking solemnly to the sky, his chin resting on a fist.) There’s no telling if Shorty will be able to handle THIS BIG of a CHALLENGE! Up to Jerry Harwell in the ring!”



(CUTTO: The ring, the always dapper JERRY HARWELL at the ready!)



JERRY HARWELL: “Ladies and gentlemen, this is our OPENING CONTEST in the Las Vegas Wrestling World Heavyweight Championship Tournament!”



(MUSIC UP: “I Am a Viking” – Yngwie Malmsteen)



*BONG*



(The heavy metal guitar riffs rip through the House of Blues as clouds of smoke billow up on the stage in front of the entryway!)



“I am a Viking! I’m going out to war! I’ve got death upon my miiiiiiiiiiind!”



(The crowd roars – out through the clouds of smoke, donning his horned Viking helmet, is all 6’7” of OLVIR ARSVINNAR! OLVIR lifts the battle ax in his right hand and screams loud to the roars of the room! He guzzles down what must be a few pints of water from his mead horn, then lets out another loud Viking yell! ARSVINNAR stomps in his leather boots to ringside, where he drops his ax and mead onto the apron before rolling in. Once up OLVIR rips the wolf-hide shawl off his shoulders, throws it down at the floor, then throws his arms out to the sides and bellows out one last primal roar to the room’s approval!)



HARWELL: “This match is set for ONE fall, with the winner advancing in the Spades Bracket! (Crowd pops!) FIRST, in the ring to my left, he hails from The Bronx, New York! (Some boos!) Weighing in at ONE hundred and EIGHTY-FIVE pounds… he is SHOORRRRRRRR-TEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! (SHORTY gets a bit of love, but not much, as the crowd starts to crescendo…)



“And his OPPONENT! (Louder cheers!) He hails from Saint Johns, Newfoundland, Canada! Weighing in at OVER three-hundred pounds, here he is, OL-VIIRRRRRRRRR ARS-VI-NNARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! (BIG pop from the crowd, OLVIR lets out another roar!)”



“Your referee for this match is Joe Mercurio.”



(SFX: Bell ringing! OLVIR charges at SHORTY!)



MAYES: “Olvir lunges and Shorty sidesteps him – kick to the leg! A second kick to the leg as Shorty tries to take the big tree down! A third kick and now quickly off the ropes… DROPKICK to the knee! Olvir stumbling around but is yet to fall, and Shorty is scampering to the top! He’s gotta try to do everything he can to get this HUGE beast down! Shorty OFF THE TOP… (Gasps!) NO! Olvir catches him mid-air! The Porn Viking is carrying Shorty around like a baby in his arms! He’s showing him off to everyone… OW! FALL-AWAY SLAM! He THREW Shorty from one end of the ring to the other!”



(Pause for a beat.)



MAYES: “Hey, what’s wrong SIR Simon? No biting commentary? Where’s the snarky remarks about the match? You KNOW you were due for the bad run, just like Shorty is experiencing right now! Olvir pulls Shorty up to his feet and sends him in for the ride… OUCH, that HAD to hurt! Hammerblow to the chest by Olvir, and Shorty’s in a world of hurt! Olvir calls that his Mjolnir-Blow, and it blew all the air right out of eighty-eight! Stomping away! Olvir beating the hell out of Shorty and drags him to his feet yet again! ANOTHER ride into the ropes… (OOOOOO!) MASSIVE BIG BOOT! He damn near took Shorty’s head off! This one may be over before it ever began!”



(Pause for a beat.)



MAYES: “Hello? You alive Sir Simon? If you’re not you’re looking to have some company with Shorty in a moment, because Olvir’s grabbing Shorty by the head and hooking him into his legs… he’s GOT HIM UP WAY HIGH IN THE AIR! This may be Shorty’s LAST RIDE… (BAM!) NORDIC-BOMMMMMMMMMMB! (Room buzzing loud!) OLVIR JUST DESTROYED HIM! SHORTY HAS BEEN ANNIHILATED! THE COVER! ONE! (Fans counting along!) TWO! THREEEEEEEEE! OLVIR HAS PUT LVW ON NOTICE!”



(SFX: Bell ringing!)



(MUSIC UP: “I Am a Viking” – Yngwie Malmsteen)



JERRY HARWELL: “The winner of the match, and ADVANCING TO ROUND TWO… OLVIRRRRRRRRRRRR ARSSSSSSSSSS-VI-NNARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!” (The room pops HUGE, OLVIR up to his feet and unleashing another Viking roar!)



MAYES: “What a DEBUT for Olvir Arsvinnar in LVW, and the winner of Elvis and Jack House will have a MONSTER to deal with in the second round! … Sir Simon, are you okay there…”

SMITH: “Leave… leave me alone.”

MAYES: “He speaks. Are you crying?”

SMITH: “No… no, I’m not… JUST SHUT UP!”



(OLVIR climbs out of the ring, throws on his mighty Viking helmet, and heads for the locker room, while getting touched by all the railbirds wanting a piece of the Viking!)



MAYES: “Are you going to be able to call matches with me or am I going to have to carry your [BEEEEEP] for the rest of this show?”

SMITH: “An 8, just a simple 8! I was getting 100 times odds and I was maxed out… she rolled 14 times. FOURTEEN TIMES DAMMIT. That [BEEEEEEEEP] seven KILLED ME… (Sighs)”

MAYES: “Nobody cares about your gambling addiction.”

SMITH: “I CARE ABOUT IT!”

MAYES: “You’re a degenerate. Get your [BEEEEP] together and call the matches.”

SMITH: “Don’t expect much.”

MAYES: “I never do with you. Fans, we will be back with the other half of the Spades Bracket – the Las Vegas Legend Killer, Jack House, is looking to hit the shake, rattle, and roll of Elvis Aaron Presley with some Blackjack – NEXT!”



(CRASH TO BREAK)

 

[Koby]

LVW World Championship Madness - Segment 03

(MUSIC UP: “A Little Less Conversation (jxl remix)” – Elvis Presley)



MAYES: “We’re BACK here with LVW Championship Madness, and now it’s time for the second match in the Spades bracket, Elvis versus House, the winner going on to face Olvir Arsvinnar in the semis!”



(CUTTO: The stage, and out shaking his money maker is ELVIS AARON PRESLEY to the screams of the ladies! PRESLEY, in purple and white rhinestones from head to toe, gives the Elvis lip-curl and finger-point to more love! PRESLEY heads down the mini-ramp, head bobbing, slapping hands, then backing up into the rail as the ringside fans crowd him for pictures, ELVIS giving a double finger-point at the cameras, the bulbs flashing!)



MAYES (V/O): “Feel the love for Elvis Aaron Presley! Smith, Jack House has been talking up taking out the legends of Las Vegas – he got Wayne Newton, he got Seigfried and Roy, and now he’s determined to take out Elvis Presley, and all his clones!”

SMITH (V/O): “Feh, the house.”

MAYES (V/O): “The house always wins in the end, SIR Simon – you should’ve known that!”

SMITH (V/O): “(sighs) Well, at least I got some money on this tourney.”

MAYES (V/O): “Whattaya mean?”

SMITH (V/O): “Nevermind.”



(PRESLEY steps into the ring, and does one more swinging-right-arm-playing-guitar to loud cheers!)



(MUSIC UP: “Blackjack” – Ray Charles)



“A let me tell you people… about this Blackjack game…

It’s causing me nothing but trouble… and I’ve only myself to blame…”



(CUTTO: The stage, and out snarling through his nostrils comes JACK HOUSE to smatterings of boo-birds in the HOB! HOUSE sneers at a guy against the railing giving him static, then strokes his beard and chuckles. JACK HOUSE steers an eye – glass eye! – to the ring at ELVIS as he walks toward ringside, clasping and rubbing his hands together, looking to do some evil! JACK HOUSE, in white trunks with black trim, matching kneepads and boots, throws a knee up onto the apron and lifts himself into the ring, where he points a finger at ELVIS, and then at his eye!)



MAYES: “Let’s take it up to Jerry Harwell for the introductions!”



JERRY HARWELL: “This match is set for ONE fall, with the winner advancing in the Spades Bracket! (Crowd pops!) FIRST, to my left! He hails from MEMPHIS, TENNESSEE… weighing in at TWO hundred and TWENTY-FIVE pounds… here he is, ELVIS! AARONNNNNNNN PRESSSSS-LEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEY! (Loud cheers from the crowd!)”



“AND… his OPPONENT! (Boos!) He hails from the corner of Fremont and 8th, in DOWNTOWN LAS VEGAS! (Mock cheers!) He weighs in at TWO hundred and FORTY-seven pounds… he is JACK! HOUSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSE! (More boos as HOUSE pounds on his chest, then sneers.)



“Your referee is Brian Puter.”



(SFX: Bell ringing!)



MAYES: “And here we go! House and Elvis, collar and elbow tie-up, and House throws Elvis to the mat! Presley back up and another tie-up… Presley now pushing House towards the ropes, no! Elvis thrown to the mat again! House pounding his chest, telling Elvis he can’t touch him – Elvis back to his feet and another tie-up! Elvis now overcoming House’s strength, and is bending him backwards! House trying to hold on… DOWN to his knee! Elvis with a quick right and WRAPS in the headlock! Elvis grinding it in, and he sneaks a punch to the forehead! House grabs the jumpsuit… pushes Elvis towards the ropes! Elvis off the ropes – jumps over House! – off the other end – House up for a hip-toss – Elvis reserves with a hip-toss of his own! House scampers to his feet – (Cheer!) DROPKICK BY ELVIS! Wow, I can’t believe he got up for it! House rolls out to the floor and he can’t believe it himself!”

SMITH: “Eh, luck.”

MAYES: “Good color there, SIR Simon. House slams the mat and slides back into the ring – Elvis in to get him – (OOOOOOOOOO!) LOW BLOW to the family jewels by House! A right by House, now back to his feet and he sends Elvis in for the riddddddde – POWERSLAM! House hooks the leg – ONE! T-NO! Elvis kicks out, and House giving referee Brian Puter heat for his counting speed! That won’t win him any favors… House picks Elvis up, and CLUBS him in the back – ANOTHER club to the back – Jack whips Elvis (THUD!) INTO THE CORNER. Elvis slow-walking out of the corner, clutching his back…. WATCH OUT (BAM!) BIG SHOULDERBLOCK BY JACK HOUSE! He just wiped the floor with Elvis, he covers and hooks the leg – ONE! TWO! NO! Elvis kicks out again! Jack House gives the ref the evil eye again!”

SMITH: “Why am I here?”

MAYES: “’Cause you’re getting something you don’t have right now, and that’s MONEY. And Jack House is short on it as well cause he can’t buy a pin! House picks Elvis up… ATOMIC DROP! He busted the family jewels again, Elvis down to his knees, and it looks like he’s giving Elvis some smack talk – Jack House may be asking him to take some insurance! Jack House is stalking Elvis… oh no, this could be it… Presley gets to his FEEET – NO! SIDESTEP! ELVIS GRABS THE WAIST – (POP!) GERMAN SUPLEX~! House pops to his feet! He can’t believe – (POP!) RELEASE BELLY-TO-BELLY BY ELVIS AARON PRESLEY! Presley is to his feet and he’s REVVING UP THE CROWD! Presley in on House and (Loud cheers!) LAYING THE BOOTS TO HIM! Elvis grabs House’s arm and gets him to his feet… he throws him in, NO! SHORT-ARM CLOTHESLINE! Elvis is ROCKING Jack House’s world!”

SMITH: “Yippee.”

MAYES: “Easy for you to say! Elvis covers Jack House – ONE! TWO! TH-NOOOOO! House kicks out, and he’s giving referee Brian Puter hell! He thinks he’s fast-counting himmmm… ROLLUP FROM BEHIND! ONE! TWO! (OOOOH!) KICKOUT AGAIN! Jack House JUST got off the mat – Elvis with a right hand! Elvis with another! A third! Into the ropes, Elvis sends House for the riiiiiiide… NO, DUCK UNDER, House off the ropes – CROSSBODY, NO! Elvis ROLLS THROUGH! He’s got him hooked – ONE! TWO! THR-NOOOOOOOOOO! House JUST kicked out, and he’s rolling out of the ring – WHAT IS HE DOING?”

SMITH: “Killing you, I hope.”

MAYES: “Jack House out here at ringside and over by the bell, yelling at bell-ringer Cecil Peoples to get up, and he’s got his chair! Jack House with the chair going into the ring – referee Brian Puter telling him to get rid of the cha – (OOOOOO!) HOUSE PIE-FACES THE REF TO THE MAT! House grabs the chair and GOES FOR THE SWING – ELVIS DUCKS! A right by Elvis! A left! A right! House drops the chair, his foundation is getting rocked! Another left! House up against the ropes (POP!) AND ELVIS CLOTHESLINES HIM OVER THE TOP AND OUT OF THE RING! (SFX: Bell ringing!) Jack House LANDED on his feet, and is staring up at Elvis Presley, who’s spitting words right at him! The bell is ringing, what is the decision?”



JERRY HARWELL: “The winner of the match, as a RESULT of a DISQUALIFICATION, and ADVANCING TO ROUND TWO… ELVIS (The room bursts!) AARON PRESSSSSSSSS-LEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEY!”



(MUSIC UP: “A Little Less Conversation (jxl remix)” – Elvis Presley)



MAYES: “What a VICTORY for Elvis Aaron Presley, either way – he was dominating Jack House at the end there!”

SMITH: “How many more matches to go?”

MAYES: “Stick it, SIR Simon! Elvis Aaron Presley has now earned his way into a semi-final match-up with the Porn Viking, Olvir Arsvinnar, the winner of which will advance to the 4-Way LVW World Heavyweight Championship match!”



(ELVIS AARON PRESLEY lifts referee BRIAN PUTER off the mat and brushes him off as JACK HOUSE stares in contempt from the aisle! PUTER points at himself then at ELVIS, then does a mock Elvis pose himself! PRESLEY laughs at the ref and tells him to look at the far end of the House of Blues, and then they both do an Elvis pose-down – ELVIS AARON PRESLEY doing the right-arm-circle-playing-guitar, PUTER doing the curled lip and point, to the love of the crowd!)



MAYES: “(laughing) Now that’s funny!”

SMITH: “Oh you think that’s funny, well JACK HOUSE doesn’t find it funny, and I don’t find YOU funny either!”

MAYES: “Put a sock in it, SIR Simon – Elvis Aaron Presley versus Olvir Arsvinnar is in the books as one of our four semi-final matches, and UP NEXT, we go into the HEARTS bracket, as we have The Resurgent Last Goth Monster, Mitch Grey, going one-on-one with Jonathan Nash! Be back in two and two!”



(CRASH TO BREAK)

 

[Koby]

LVW World Championship Madness - Segment 04

(FADEIN: JEFF MAYES at the ringside table, at the ready. SIR SIMON SMITH has his face slumped into his closed fits, failing to keep his eyelids open.)



MAYES: “Welcome back to Las Vegas Wrestling! Sir Simon, earlier this week the LVW… offices, you can call them, got a tape sent in from your good buddy and pal, brothers in debt from different mothers, “The Inferno” Carmine Esposito and Jimmy Two Times!”

SMITH: “Huh… wha… from who?”

MAYES: “Wake up and do your job – we got a tape sent in from YOUR bookie and his charge, the men on the run from the mob, Carmine and Jimmy!”

SMITH: “Oh… now, now this is something you can get me talking about! How’s my good friend Jimmy doing? I only heard about what happened in that ladder match with that big Polack – they in trouble, huh?”

MAYES: “Be happy no one’s coming looking to chop YOUR hand off, Smith.”

SMITH: “Yeah… that… that’s true.”

MAYES: “Folks, here’s the tape they sent in!”



(CUTTO: Studio 54 inside the MGM Grand. A familiar looking individual is having a drink at the bar, looking as if he has a wig and fake mustache on. He is wearing a black hooded sweatshirt and sunglasses, eerily similar to the look of the Unibomber. Another gentleman walks up to him and orders a beer. This man is shorter and is wearing a wig as well. He also looks be have a fake beard on and has a striking resemblance to Jerry Garcia. The two men sip on their drinks and talk to one another with their hands over their mouths, as if they are being watched by federal agents.)



MAN #1: “This is ridiculous. How much longer do we have to keep this up?”

MAN #2: “Let me remind you that if you hadn’t lost that match on the last show – last show, we wouldn’t be in this situation – situation.”

MAN #1: “As I recall, you didn’t seem to help me out at all. You just let that oversized goon knock me silly with a briefcase. You frinkin’ sorca! (Takes a sip.) Stronzo!”

MAN #2: “Whoa…whoa…lets not forget who owes me a nice chunk of change – change. Yeah pal, I wasn’t the one that put up ten large in a bad game of Baccarat – Baccarat!”

MAN #1: “Hey…that game had to be rigged.”

MAN #2: “It wasn’t rigged, you are just a sucker – a sucker.”



(The first man, in the black hoodie, finishes off his drink and slams it on the counter.)

MAN #1: “I am tired of this sh[BLEEP]! I can’t even show my face around town because of losing that match against Hans. This is ridiculous. I can’t live like this.”



(The man removes his fake mustache to reveal himself – “The Inferno” CARMINE ESPOSITO.)

CARMINE ESPOSITO: “Jimmy, I now know what I must do. I’ve gotta clear our names, we have to make this right to your Uncle Gino. You get what you want, I get what I want, and we get back in the good graces of the Russo Family.”

MAN #2: “Don’t use my real name – real name. The bartender could be wired – be wired. She looks like a chick Frankie the Fin used to bang – to bang. And we all know what happened to Frankie – to Frankie. (MAN #2 grabs the cross on his neck and kisses it.)

CARMINE: “You are too paranoid, Jimmy. You don’t think your Uncle has enough pull to buy us some time? This is all just a misunderstanding. We can fix this.”

MAN #2: “You better fix this – fix this.”

CARMINE: “Don’t worry. Next week on the undercard of the second round of the World title tournament, a new “Inferno” Carmine Esposito is going to show up. My back is against the wall and I have no choice but to come out swinging!”

MAN #2: “You better come out swinging, because if you don’t…we might end up in the cement foundation of Las Ramblas – Las Ramblas.”



(END TAPE)



(FADEIN: Back to the ringside announce table.)



SMITH: “Damn, that’s a shame.”

MAYES: “I’ve seen the Las Ramblas plans – looks beautiful. They’d never be found again.”

SMITH: “Hey, don’t talk about my friends like that!”

MAYES: “At least I got you talking again. Grey! Nash! NEXT!”



(CRASH TO BREAK)

 

[Koby]

LVW World Championship Madness - Segment 05

(FADEIN: The stage, inside the House of Blues – the lights along the border of the “LVW” Vegas-style sign brighten up!)



(MUSIC UP: “Blood Sugar Sex Majik” – Red Hot Chili Peppers)



(Out through the curtain, in dark, brooding black from head to toe, comes JONATHAN NASH, the crowd giving him a mixed response! NASH blows a stand of hair out off his face, rocking his head up and down to the beat of the music, and lurches his way past the camera towards the ring, sliding in and convulsing to the music.)



MAYES (V/O): “We’re BACK with Jonathan Nash, who’s looking through the pain and anguish to build on his impressive LVW debut by getting a big W here to advance to the second round!”

SMITH (V/O): “He sucked out on Bellmoth, Mayes, and you know it – this guy’s a maniac, and they don’t last long, at the poker tables, or in the ring.”

MAYES (V/O): “Maniac or not, Nash has a lot on his hands here, as Mitch Grey has come out determined to prove some people wrong after his loss to Cowboy James Donovan on our last show.”

SMITH (V/O): “It takes certain vices to get people going -”

MAYES (V/O): “You should know!”

SMITH (V/O): “Mayes, I’ll set you straight yet – but Grey’s vice is obviously World Championship gold, and I’m willing to b… um, if I had a roll…”

MAYES (V/O): “You’d bet he’d win it all?”

SMITH (V/O): “(sighs) Yeah.”

MAYES (V/O): “What about that bet you were talking about before? Either way, time for Nash’s opponent!”



(MUSIC UP: “Paint It Black” – Unseen)



(CUTTO: The curtain, and out through it in his customary Sandman T-Shirt and black jean shorts is MITCH GREY! MITCH looks to and fro, with a grimace, through the black circles around his eyes at the peeps in the room, who are giving him a louder mixed reaction, more cheers than boos. GREY then hits kick-start and makes a FAST bee-line for the ring, nearly diving straight-through before jumping up onto his feet, and lunging at JONATHAN NASH, getting stopped by referee CESAR MARTINEZ stepping in between the two!)



MAYES (V/O): “Mitch Grey looks to be ready for the kill!”



JERRY HARWELL: “This match is set for ONE fall, with the winner advancing in the HEARTS bracket! (Crowd cheers!) FIRST, in the corner to my left… he hails from CIN… CIN-NAH-TEE O-HI-O! Weighing in at TWO hundred and TWENTY-five pounds… he is JON-AH-THAN NAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSH! (NASH stares daggers back at MITCH GREY, angrily pulling on his hair in the process.)



“And his OPPONENT! He hails from BOSTON, Massachusetts! Weighing in… at two-hundred and FORTY-FIVE POUNDS… he is THE LAST GOTH MONSTER… (Crowd crescendos) …MITCH! GREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEY! (GREY gets a louder mixed reaction, now the boo-birds standing out a tad more! GREY points a finger at someone in the first couple rows and has some words!)”



“Your referee is Cesar Martinez.”



(SFX: Bell ringing!)



MAYES: “Jerry Harwell bolts from the ring as the two men dive at each other and they lock up! Grey gets the upper hand and pushes Nash into the corner and DRILLING him with hard right hands! Grey whips Nash… reversed and Grey SLAMS into the corner! Grey staggers out, and a BACKDROP by Nash. Grey up to his feet, Nash ARMDRAG. Grey up and ANOTHER armdrag – and a THIRD for good measure! Grey to the floor to regroup!”

SMITH: “Everyone has a lucky streak, and Nash is riding his right now.”

MAYES: “Just like YOU were on – Grey back on the apron, Nash with a right and hooks him… SUPLEXES Grey back into the ring! Nash covers, ONE! TWO! NO, Grey kicked out! Nash with a punch to the skull… he brings grey back to his feet and WHIPS him into the ropes… DROPKICK – NO! Grey held onto the ropes! Nash landed on his head HARD.”

SMITH: “That’s gonna hurt.”

MAYES: “Grey now all over Nash, laying the boots to him! Nash scurrying over to the corner, Grey still stomping a mudhole into him – Grey lifts Nash to his feet and HEAD-FIRST into the turnbuckle! Nash groggy (CHOP! WOOOOOOOO!) OW that’ll turn his chest into hamburger beef! (CHOP! WOOOOOOOOO!) ANOTHER… and Nash is now screaming at Grey to KEEP HITTING HIM!”

SMITH: “The sick freak. Him and Donovan must share notes.”

MAYES: “Oh GAWD. Grey grabs Nash, irish whip, reversal! Grey off the ropes, Nash charges… CLOTHESLINE by Grey! Grey putting the boots to him again, stomping him in the guts! Grey grabs Nash and lifts him UP… and DOWN with a BACKBREAKER – and UP AGAIN… and DOWN WITH A SIDEWALK SLAM! What a show of power by Mitch Grey! He hooks the leg – ONE! TWO! TH-NO! Nash barely kicked out!”

SMITH: “What a glutton for punishment.”

MAYES: “Grey picks him up… TOSSES HIM to the floor! (The crowd stirs up!) Grey out to the floor, has Nash by the hair… (LOUD clang!) HEAD-FIRST into the metal stairs! Nash still seems to have a smile on his face!”

SMITH: “What a whackjob. He’s reminding me of the guy we have in the main event, the reason I’m… broke.”

MAYES: “You should see a shrink about those issues, SIR Simon, and I think Nash needs the same – Grey tosses Nash back into the ring…. Grey back in, and LOCKS in a bearhug! He’s going to squeeze all the urge for pain right out of Jonathan Nash! Grey is wrenching it in… Nash looks like he’s about to pass out! Referee Cesar Martinez is in checking on the arm and here we go… one drop! Another test… two drops! One more time and this will be over! Cesar one more time… NO! Nash holds the arm up, and he’s laughing! He’s LAUGHING while in the bearhug, Smith! He’s BEGGING for more pain!”

SMITH: “I gotta believe he’s into S&M.”

MAYES: “Wha… I… Nash now with a left hand! A second! Grey… BELLY-TO-BELLY SUPLEX ON NASH! Grey avoided losing the hold and turned it into a positive! Grey over for the cover… ONE! TWO! NO! Nash kicks right out! He won’t stay down, he wants more pain!”

SMITH: “Sick mind, Mayes. It takes a sick mind.”

MAYES: “Grey picks Nash off the mat and he’s pissed with him! RIGHT hand! A second, now an ELBOW to the lower back! THAT one got to Nash – Grey pulls his head back and REVERSE DEE-DEE-TEE! He put him on his skull! This has to be it – ONE! TWO! THRE – NO NO NO! NASH KICKED OUT!”

SMITH: “Alright, now THIS is going too far, Mayes.”

MAYES: “Nash is refusing to give up in spite of the barrage of offense by Mitch Grey! Grey goes to the corner and now he’s laying in wait! He’s motioning for Jonathan Nash to get off the mat and meet his destiny! The kid is peeling himself off the mat, and has no idea what is in STORE FOR HIIIIIIIIIM (OOOOOOOOOOO!) BIG SPEAR BY MITCH GREY! THIS HAS TO BE IT! GREY COVERS! ONE! TWO! THREEEEE – (POP!) NOOOOOOOO! MY GOD, NASH KICKED OUT!”

SMITH: “What a sick joke. Never say die? Nope, just die, kid. Let it go.”

MAYES: “This is the LVW World Heavyweight Championship he’s fighting for! It’s got to be worth it to him or he wouldn’t be going through this punishment by Mitch Grey – Grey now calling for the [BEEEEEP]-hole Slam! Grey wants this done once and for all! He whips Nash into the ropes… HAS HIM… (Pop!) NO! SPINNING DDT! SPINNING DDT! NASH PLANTED HIM! BOTH MEN ARE DOWN!”

SMITH: “If… Mayes, spot me a 20, I need a drink watching this.”

MAYES: “Both men down, and Cesar Martinez with the count (“CUATRO!”) in Spanish no less! (“CINCO!”) Both men slow to get up (“SEIS!”), both guys now pulling themselves up (“SIETE!”) with the help of the ropes… and Mitch Grey is up! Grey charges at Jonathan... BACKDROPPED TO THE FLOOR! That kook Nash is giving the back and forth look like he’s looking for air clearance!”

SMITH: “Oh this is gonna be bad.”

MAYES: “Jonathan Nash… Grey getting to his feet, Nash goes for the ropes! Nash charginnnNNNNNNNNNNNNG (LOUD pop!) HOLY CRAP! WILD PLANCHA TO THE FLOOR! Mitch Grey is FLAT OUT!”



“EL VEE DOUBLE-U! EL VEE DOUBLE-U! EL VEE DOUBLE-U! EL VEE DOUBLE-U!”



SMITH: “Oh sweet, sweet Jose Cuervo, how I ever need you now.”

MAYES: “Jonathan Nash nearly DECAPITATED himself with that! He tosses Mitch Grey into the ring and is in after him! Grey is punch-drunk looking for something or someone to hit… Nash climbing to the top! What does he have IN MIND – (POP!) TOP ROPE DROPKICK! THIS COULD BE IT! THE COVER – ONE! TWO! THRE-NOOOOOOOOOO! (Crowd groans!) Grey kicked out just in time!”

SMITH: “Forget a drink, bring me a whole bottle! Stat!”

MAYES: “Nash back up (Cheers!) and this crowd is telling him they want more! Nash is feeling the crowd – picks Grey up, SLAMS him to the mat, and… he’s going to the top one more time! What more can he possibly do! (Crowd crescendoing!) NASH UP TOP… (OOOOOOOOOOO!) HE MISSED! NASH WENT FOR THE SHOOTING STAR PRESS AND MISSED HARD! GREY MOVED RIGHT ON TIME!”

SMITH: “SPLAT!”

MAYES: “Mitch Grey is up and LOOK AT HIM! HE IS STEAMING MAD! He’s had ENOUGH OF THIS! Grey yanks Nash to his feet and WHIPS HIM into the ROPESSSSSS…. (THUD!) AND BOOM WITH THE [BEEEEEEEEP]-HOLE SLAM! HE DROVE JONATHAN NASH THROUGH THE MAT! ONE! TWO! THREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! (SFX: Bell ringing! Crowd jumping like flies!) IT’S OVER!”



(MUSIC UP: “Paint It Black” – Unseen)



JERRY HARWELL: “The winner of the match, and ADVANCING TO ROUND TWO… MITCH! GREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEY!”



(MITCH GREY stands up, looking down at JONATHAN NASH with disgust written all over his face!)



MAYES: “Mitch Grey has DONE it, advancing to the second round, but not before Jonathan Nash gave him a battle of lust for pain!”

SMITH: “All it did was lead me to wanting to drink, and drink right now!”

MAYES: “Grey told Nash leading up to the match that only he knew true pain, and he came here tonight and registered it! The winner of Ben Lerner and Web Browser will have a BEAST to deal with in Mitch Grey! (GREY hops out of the ring, heads for the back as CESAR MARTINEZ looks over the fallen NASH.) Up next will be the other match in the Hearts Bracket – Lerner! Browser! UP NEXT!”



(CRASH TO BREAK)

 

[Koby]

LVW World Championship Madness - Segment 06

(MUSIC UP: “It’s All About the Pentiums” – Weird Al)



“It’s (crowd chants along!) all about the Pentiums, baby!”



MAYES (V/O): “We are BACK, and listen to this crowd!”

SMITH (V/O): “Where the hell did all these Web Browser fans come from – they’re the homeless people, aren’t they?”



(CUTTO: The curtain, and out in a freshly bought white button-down shirt comes WEB BROWSER, to the love of the room! BROWSER’s eyes bug out, stunned at the reaction, not knowing what to do in his new-found glory! WEB BROWSER looks down at the big mustard stain on his black dress pants, and starts to pick at it, acting shy to be messy in front of the crowd. A fan reaches over the railing and taps BROWSER on the shoulder, freaking him out, causing him to run towards the ring, wanting to get away! WEB BROWSER climbs hurriedly into the ring, looking to and fro, eyes popped out as if he’s being chased by ghosts!)



MAYES (V/O): “Web Browser is here not only to advance in the LVW World Title Tournament, but he’s also here for some revenge, Smith!”



(B-ROLL: ‘LAST WEEK’ – WEB BROWSER clotheslining WILLIAM SIMMONS out of his sneakers; SIMMONS on the mic; the arrival of his lawyer, “Hard Hitter” BEN LERNER onto the scene; LERNER grabbing the mic and plugging WEB BROWSER from behind with it…)



SMITH (V/O): “Give me a break, Mayes. The Hard Hitter, Ben Lerner, the BEST lawyer in the Valley, I might add, is slick, polished, professional, and looks like a CHAMP. This guy’s homeless street trash!”

MAYES (V/O): “And YOU are as poor as the homeless right now – Web Browser was ATTACKED from behind by the “Hard Hitter” Ben Lerner, and it led to THIS big brawl.”



(B-ROLL CONTINUED: …WEB BROWSER grabbing LERNER by the head and tossing him over the top rope. BROWSER and LERNER fighting into the crowd, and out the door of the House of Blues!)



SMITH (V/O): “Typical homeless, putting the working people in danger! He got his summons, and now he’s going to see Lerner in the wrestling courtroom!”



(CUTTO: The stage, and the room goes purple! Fog machines fire up, engulfing the front of the curtain!)



MAYES (V/O): “What’s this?”

SMITH (V/O): “Don’t you watch the commercials? The Hard Hitter is coming!”



(MUSIC UP: “Hard Hitter” – Red)



(The beat goes for 30 seconds or so, and then a BLACK SHADOW shows up in the fluorescent purple light, and the boos get loud! The shadow comes closer to the light and emerges through the fog – “Hard Hitter” BEN LERNER. LERNER is met with a roomful of boo-birds, and he laughs at them, soaking in their envy! LERNER, in black trunks with two green dollar signs above his right leg, swaggers toward the ring, setting his sights on WEB BROWSER, staring him down as he hits ringside! Out from behind him in his white Tom Brady Patriots jersey is WILLIAM SIMMONS, who’s hobbling on his crutch to try and keep up with his council! SIMMONS struggles along, as he is holding LERNER’s briefcase in his left hand, crutch in right, twitching his neck trying to adjust to still being in a neckbrace.)



MAYES (V/O): “I see the Ben Lerner isn’t alone, SIR Simon.”

SMITH (V/O): “His client has the right to be here for this match, Mayes. And what can Simmons really do after the brutal, horrific attacks he suffered at the hands of Web Browser but to see the scum lose in person!”



JERRY HARWELL: “This match is set for ONE fall, with the winner advancing in the HEARTS bracket! (Pop!) FIRST, in the corner to my left! (Swell of cheers!) He hails from… (HARWELL double-takes looking at the cue card) …Room 14 at the Oasis Motel! (Some laughs at that!) He weighs in at TWO hundred and FORTY-FOUR POUNDS… he is THE WEB BROOOOOOOOOW-SERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!” (The room gives it up with more love, BROWSER spooked by it all.)



“And his OPPONENT! (BOOS!) Accompanied to the ring by his client, WILLIAM SIMMONS… (“PATS SUCK!” yell from the crowd.) …he hails from the Summerlin area of LAS VEGAS, NEVADA... weighing in at TWO hundred and FIFTY-FOUR POUNDS… he is the HARD HITTER… BEN LERRRRRRRRR-NERRRRRRRRRRR!” (Boos continue to shower the ring, LERNER smirking at it all!)



“Your referee is Brian Puter.”



(SFX: Bell ringing!)



MAYES: “And here we go! Quick lockup, and Lerner with the go-behind and takes Browser to the mat. Lerner riding Browser… now on his back, and he’s slapping him in the head! Look at Lerner, standing over Browser, mocking him! That’s unnecessary!”

SMITH: “He’s slapping sense into him, Mayes. Browser’s shamefully outclassed here – he’s not worthy of lacing the Hard Hitter’s boots!”

MAYES: “Browser back to his feet staring down Lerner, and they lockup again – Lerner with the side headlock, grinding it in, and he takes him to the mat again.”

SMITH: “This man can clearly wrestle and clearly Browser can not! This is like watching a shark fighting a minnow.”

MAYES: “Browser fighting to his feet… slowly, and he’s up! The pushoff into the ropes, and Lerner gets him with the SHOULDERBLOCK! The Hard Hitter is standing over Web Browser, giving him the business…and now he’s gloating to the crowd!”

SMITH: “This dorky ref should just call this match off already and save Browser the embarrassment… not that he’s capable of being embarrassed, really.”

MAYES: “Browser back up, another lockup… Lerner gets him with another go behind into a waistlock - Browser with an elbow to the face! Another! Lerner breaks - Browser with a series of right! Lerner’s staggered, and sent into the ropes… (Cheers!) BIG BACKDROP BY BROWSER! Lerner scurries to the outside!”

SMITH: “Fluke! Lerner will get it together, Mayes.”

MAYES: “I don’t care if he gets it together or not. His client William Simmons… God, that screechy voice, giving Lerner some encouragement it seems… Lerner now back to the apron, Browser grabs the top rope and FLIPS him into the ring! Lerner to his feet and MEETS a right hand! A second! Browser throws him into the ropes… CONNECTS with the CLOTHESLINE!”

SMITH: “That could be a lawsuit right here!”

MAYES: “It’s what put that pip-squeakl Simmons out of commission – Lerner’s rocked! Puter checking in on him, but Browser charges in with more punches! He’s turning the Hard Hitter into a punching bag! Grabs Lerner, and sends him in for the ride… OUCH! ANOTHER STIFF CLOTHESLINE!”

SMITH: “That’s gonna cost him eventually – in the pocket!”

MAYES: “Lerner shaken up by the second clothesline, trying to get to his feet… Browser innnnnNNN… RUNNING BULLDOG! Lerner’s in trouble! And Web Browser is GOING FOR THE TOP ROPE!”

SMITH: “What the hell is he doing up there? He can kill someone!”

MAYES: “Browser up top …WAIT! OH NO! HE SLIPPED AND CROTCHED HIMSELF ON THE TOP ROPE!” (The smarks start to chant “YOU [BEEEEEEP]’d UP! YOU [BEEEEEEP]’d UP!)

SMITH: “How does he even cross the street without getting killed?”

MAYES: “Browser falls to the apron… and then crumples to the floor! Simmons over on top of him now, giving him the bad-mouth! Lerner in the ring, tying up Brian Puter… (Heat!) SIMMONS STOMPING ON BROWSER! Get him out of there!”

SMITH: “He’s looking better already!”

MAYES: “Just shut up! Simmons… Simmons throws Browser back into the ring! What the hell is that? I thought he was hurt!”

SMITH: “Miraculous recovery!”

MAYES: “Bull! Lerner now stomping on Browser… pulls him up and DRILLS him with a right hand! Lerner shoots him into the ropes… BIG KNEE to the gut! Browser doubled over, Lerner off the ropes, HIGH KNEE sending Browser to the mat!”

SMITH: “Take him to school Lerner!”

MAYES: “Lerner jumps and DROPS the big knee into the skull!”

SMITH: “Another hard hit from the Hard Hitter!”

MAYES: “Lerner covers! ONE – TWO - NO! Browser kicks out! Lerner giving the ref a bunch of lip over the speed of that count, and Puter is having none of it! Lerner getting in his face… BROWSER WITH A ROLL UP! ONE! TWO! THREEE-NO! NO! LERNER JUST KICKED OUT! (Crowd groans!) Lerner with the boots to Web Browser in a fit of rage!”

SMITH: “He has every right to be upset, that idiot ref nearly cost him a shot at the World Title!”

MAYES: “Lerner brings Browser up and THROWS him into the corner – NO, REVERSAL! LERNER into the corner! Browser charges in… AVALANCHE!”

SMITH: “FAT MAN OUTTA CONTROL!”

MAYES: “Browser with… well, a less then textbook hiptoss, but he got Lerner to the mat, Browser now yelling for something! (Pop!) SAFE MODE! HE’S SLAPPED THE SLEEPER ON LERNER!”

SMITH: “NO! This can’t be happening!”

MAYES: “Lerner fading fast – oh what does he want! Simmons on the apron, BAD LEG and all, and is trying to swing the crutch at Web Browser! He’s got Puter distracted trying to get him off the apron – Browser lets go of the Safe Mode… (Swell.) HE’S GOT THE CRUTCH! BROWSER HAS THE CRUTCH - (POP~!) HE CRUSHES WILLIAM SIMMONS WITH THE CRUTCH! SIMMONS HITS THE FLOOR!”

SMITH: “LAWSUIT! LAWSUIT! Browser’s going to have to live to the age of 500 to pay all he’ll owe after Lerner is done with him!”

MAYES: “Look out! Lerner’s back to his feet and behind Browser… TURNS HIM - LIFTS BROWSER ON HIS SHOULDERS – (NOOOO!) CASH SETTLEMENT! HE JUST BLINDSIDED BROWSER AND FLATTENED HIM WITH THAT BIG SAMOAN DROP! BOTH MEN DOWN!”

SMITH: “Roll over Lerner! The chump is out!”

MAYES: “Both men are down, and referee Brian Puter is starting his count! He’s up to three, Lerner rolls over on Browser! He grabs the leg! ONE! TWO! THRE-NO NO! BROWSER KICKS OUT! Lerner forced himself to his feet, and he’s saying “That’s it!” He’s got Browser by the hair and pulls him to his feet, and he sends him into the ropes! ANOTHER CASH SETTLE- (OOOOOH!) – NO! BROWSER’S LEG HIT REFEREE BRIAN PUTER! Lerner’s off-balance and lost control! Browser to his feet – (POP! Into a groan.) DEE-DEE-TEE! LERNER’S BEEN INFECTED!”

SMITH: “This is no time to be cute, Mayes! Why are we still letting him drop people on their heads?”

MAYES: “Lerner might be out for good! Browser to his feet… what is he motioning for? Browser bringing Lerner to his knees…”

SMITH: “OH NO!”

MAYES: “Web Browser is setting up for the SPAM STOPPER! He’s sure to kill Lerner dead if he hits it!”

SMITH: “DEAR GOD NO! (OOOOOOOOOOOH!) PHEW!”

MAYES: “LOW BLOW BY LERNER! Browser crumbles to the mat! What the hell is Ben Lerner doing now? He’s going to his cor- he’s GETTING HIS BRIEFCASE! What’s he going to do with IT- (WHACK!) OOOOOOOOO… Web Browser’s been WIPED OUT BY THE BRIEFCASE!”

SMITH: “PUT HIM IN A BODY BAG!”

MAYES: “Lerner’s disposing of the evidence! And referee Brian Puter is coming to! No! C’mon, not this way! Not like this! Lerner covers Browser, Puter crawls over… Puter’s calling for the bell!” (SFX: Bell ringing!)

SMITH: “He saw Web Browser was out! A rare act of mercy from these refs.”

MAYES: “Jerry Harwell is getting the decision from the ref… let’s hear what it is!”



JERRY HARWELL: “The winner of the match, as a RESULT of a DISQUALIFICATION, and ADVANCING TO ROUND TWO… THE WEEEEEEHB (The room erupts!) BROOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWW-SERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!”



(MUSIC UP: “It’s All About the Pentiums” – Weird Al)



SMITH: “WHAT?!? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

MAYES: “Puter must’ve caught Ben Lerner using the briefcase! He caught Ben Lerner cheating, and the lawyer is IRATE! He’s threatening lawsuits! You got caught red-handed Ben Lerner!”

SMITH: “He did nothing! I don’t know what you’re talking about!”

MAYES: “Web Browser has WON this match!”

SMITH: “I had twenty bucks with 35 to 1 odds on Ben Lerner to win it all! I’ve been robbed!”

MAYES: “That’ll teach you as well!”



(WEB BROWSER rolls out of the ring, throws his arm to the air to the cheers of the crowd, which baffle him yet again, and he steps on WILLIAM SIMMONS at ringside walking towards the back!)



SMITH: “Look! He STEPPED on him! He’s going to PAY!”

MAYES: “Ben Lerner is too concerned on himself to worry about his fallen client! Folks, we have our second semi-final match in the books – “The Last Goth Monster” Mitch Grey versus The Web Browser for the right to battle for the LVW World Heavyweight Championship! UP NEXT, the Clubs Bracket! Be right back!”



(CRASH TO BREAK)

 

[Koby]

LVW World Championship Madness - Segment 07

(FADEIN: The announce table, JEFF MAYES at the ready, SIR SIMON SMITH looking off into dreamland.)



MAYES: “Welcome back, everybody! So far we have two matches set in stone for our next show, the winners of both moving on to do battle in the 4-Way Ironman Match for the LVW World Heavyweight Championship at Supershow on the Strip I – Elvis Aaron Presley versus Olvir Arsvinnar, and now “The Last Goth Monster” Mitch Grey versus The Web Browser!”

SMITH: “Yeah, yeah, can we get on to the next match?”

MAYES: “You come off so bi-polar sometimes, Mayes. It’s as if there’s two people in that head of yours talking for you.”

SMITH: “Look Mayes, you got me with the craps, OK? No need to push your luck any further.”

MAYES: “Alright, no need to become like YOU. Before we go to our next match, which will be coming up next, we’d like to introduce you to someone that’ll be joining the ranks of Las Vegas Wrestling.”

SMITH: “Great, who now?”

MAYES: “Well, reading my papers here… these notes can’t be right. Is this guy for real?”

SMITH: “What?”

MAYES: “Here’s the tape to introduce you to… The Gentleman of Leisure.”

SMITH: “Oooo. Interesting.”



(TAPE: The inside of one of the many cookie-cutter homes on the outskirts of Las Vegas, inside the great room. CUTTO: The back of a ratty-looking old couch, a faded beige to go with the faded-in floral design. The camera moves forward to find a down comforter on the couch, and someone shifting around underneath it. An arm pops out from under the comforter, and straight for the coffee table, where it grabs a remote control and the hand presses a button, emoting the familiar *ting* of a Tivo box. The cell phone on the table then starts to vibrate with an incoming call – the hand blindly reaches for it and grabs it. The hand pulls the phone towards the comforter, where the person underneath pokes a hole to check the Caller ID.)



THE GENTLEMAN OF LEISURE: “Ehhhhh… my mom.”



(THE GOL tosses the phone back onto the coffee table, then pushes the down comforter off his head and looks up to find the lens staring at him, and he screams in horror, throwing the comforter off him. THE GOL quickly runs his hand through his bed-head hair and fixes his Denver Nuggets b-ball shorts straight, before grabbing the comforter and laying it back on top of him.)



THE GOL: “Dammit, housemate was right, we do need to keep that front door locked. (sighs)”



“Well, I guess you guys are here. So what’s up? I’m getting paid for this, right? (the camera nods) Cool, I need the roll to hit up that 4-8 game at the Rio. Great game… anyway, um, so I’m The Gentleman… of Leeeeeeei-surrrrrre.”



“I’m gettin’ by here in Vegas. Been here for almost five months now, still no real concrete job or anything, but I somehow get the bills paid. Anyway, after all the interviews and auditions and [BEEEEP] – I know you guys will just beep that out – I caught wind of LVW on KCLV Channel 2 and put a Season Pass on my Tivo for it right away. Anyway, I saw what that Dones guy said a few shows back… I can fire it up if you want… (THE GOL reaches for the Tivo remote, then looks at the cameraman, and GOL shrugs) OK, no need, whatever.”



“Anyway, he said you guys were looking for people, so I tracked down the number… I mean, I’ve been watching all my life, that’s what, 20 to 25 years now? I know all that’s needed to know, I’m sure. They said ‘Nah, don’t worry about not having any real training. You’ve seen Web Browser, right?’ and we shared a laugh and it was cool.”



“Anyway, since you’re here I guess I’m good to go for the next show, right? (camera nods) Sweet… I need the cash. I gots to get the creditors paid off once and for all. Gotta start somewhere. It’s minimal work, right? (The camera stays still). Ah, whatever, I’ll figure something out.”



“Well, anyway, I got nowhere to go and stuff to finish watching so… (THE GOL grabs the Tivo remote, and the familiar Tivo *bwoop* *bwoop* *bwoop* is heard from the TV) …well, whatever. I’ll think up of a catchphrase later. I got time.”



(“BIG BUCKS! BIG BUCKS! NO WHAMMY! NO WHAMMY! STOP!” “FIVE-THOUSAND DOLLARS AND A SPIN!”)



“Luckbox.”



(THE GOL sees the camera’s still running.)



“Yeah, I’m watching 20-year old eps of Press Your Luck, so what? Get out… (THE GOL turns his head back toward watching the TV)”



“C’mon, you gotta pass the spins now. You’ll be spin-committed to eat hot Whammy death if you don’t.”



(“I’LL GO PETER!” “ALRIGHT!” “C’MONNNNNNN NO WHAMMYS! BIG BUCKS! BIG BUCKS! NO WHAMMYS! STOP! OH NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” ”Who would ever hurt a Whaaaaaaaaam-meeeeeeeee… who would ever wanna OW!”)



“Moron.”



(BLACK)



(CUTTO: Back to the desk, JEFF MAYES with a blank stare on his face.)



MAYES: “WHAT the [BEEEEEP] was THAT?!?”

SMITH: “They’ll hire anyone here, huh?”

MAYES: “Uhhhhhhh… I… um, Hans Nowak! Bill Bellmoth! Clubs Bracket! NEXT!”



(CRASH TO BREAK)

 

[Koby]

LVW World Championship Madness - Segment 08

(MUSIC UP: “National Anthem of Poland”)



(CUTTO: The stage, and out barges HANS NOWAK, behind him the lovely MISS ANN, to a round of mostly boos! HANS snaps the straps of his red singlet with Polish falcon crest on stomach, growling, snarling, generally mad and ready for action hoofing it to the ring! MISS ANN grabs his arm from behind, stopping him, and runs a quick fingernail down his muscles upon muscles, sending a shock up HANS’ bones and a smile on his face! HANS jumps onto the apron, shakes the ropes, and climbs inside!)



MAYES (V/O): “We’re back with our next match! This will be a huge contrast in styles, Mayes, as Hans Nowak will have to do battle with the gnat, Bill Bellmoth.”

SMITH (V/O): “The bigger they are, the harder they will fall, Mayes. It’s time for the Polish War Machine to surrender to the greatness of Bellmoth!”

MAYES (V/O): “Has… Bellmoth even won a match yet?”

SMITH (V/O): “Sometimes you run bad… um, uh… these things happen.”

MAYES (V/O): “YOU would know.”



(The lights go out in the House of Blues!)



MAYES (V/O): “This again?”

SMITH (V/O): “Stand and show some respect.”



(MUSIC UP: “Jesus Christ Superstar (edit)” – Andrew Lloyd Webber)



(CUTTO: The curtain in the pitch-black darkness, some fans striking up their lighters! A large spotlight hits the curtain to reveal BILL BELLMOTH! Hands balled up into fists, covering his mouth, BELLMOTH nods his head, releases the pose, and heads down the mini-ramp towards the ring, his hands now out in front of him, palms up, as if BELLMOTH is contemplating what stands before him in the ring! BELLMOTH then taps an index finger on his head, showing his brain-power, or pointing at his Oakley wrap-around sunglasses, and then waves to the crowd smugly, empowering more boos!

BELLMOTH hits the stairs and gets into the ring, where he rips off his Ultimate Bet windbreaker and interlocking “BB” cap, preparing for action!)



MAYES (V/O): “And the… SUPPOSED …Nine Time World Series of Wrestling Champion, Bill Bellmoth, is here.”

SMITH (V/O): “What? You don’t have the video of his epic war with Ronny Tran from the 98 World Series on your computer? I’ll send it to you! Such grace!”

MAYES (V/O): “Oh God. Up to Jerry Harwell.”



JERRY HARWELL: “This match is set for ONE fall, with the winner advancing in the CLUBS bracket! (Pop!) FIRST, in the corner to my left! (Smattering of boos!) Accompanied to the ring by Miss Ann! (Catcalls!) He hails from Bia Rawska, POLAND! (More boos!) He weighs in at THREE hundred and THIRTEEN pounds! (HANS flexes his muscles and growls!) He is… HAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNS NOOOOOOOOOO-WAK! (HANS flexes bigger! MISS ANN, standing outside, claps her hands for her man!)”



“And his OPPONENT! (More boos!) He hails from GREEN BAY, WISCONSIN! Weighing in at ONE hundred and NINETY FIVE POUNDS… he is the NINE TIME… WORLD SERIES OF WRESTLING CHAMPION! (BOOS!) Here he is… BILLLLLLL BELLLLLLLLL-MOOOOOOOOTH! (More boos from the crowd!)”



“Your referee is Joe Mercurio.”



(SFX: Bell ringing!)



MAYES: “This crowd doesn’t to boo more, SIR Simon, but we’re underway! Bellmoth has to try and avoid the awesome power of Hans Nowak, and so far he’s keeping his distance.”

SMITH: “Studying his opponent, looking for tells!”

MAYES: “Stop it. Hans and Bellmoth circling the ring, Hans charges at him and Bill sidesteps out of the way… Hans again lunges but Bellmoth ducks his head between the ropes, and referee Joe Mercurio is telling Nowak to let go! Nowak backing up – Bellmoth in with some punches! He’s peppering Hans but to no effect – STANDING DROPKICK by Bill Bellmoth! Hans is still standing, like he just flicked off a fly!”

SMITH: “The locker room doesn’t call him ‘No Sell’ Nowak for nothing!”

MAYES: “Bellmoth up and dropkicks the knee this time, and NOW Hans is feeling the effect! Bellmoth rushes off the ropes… CLIPS out the knee! Hans is losing his footing but STILL hasn’t gone down – Bellmoth on Hans’ back! He’s putting him in a sleeper – NO! Hans throws him off like a rag doll! Hans trying to get – nevermind, as Bellmoth has rolled to the floor! Bill Bellmoth doing all he can against Hans, and it’s having no effect!”

SMITH: “Hey you trying dealing with this big ape!”



BELLMOTH: “I… I mean… I set these idiots up, and they keep getting lucky! I work the knee, I get his back exposed… and he just throws me off! What skill buddy… these internet donkeys… they just don’t know.”



MAYES: “(sighs) He’s got the mic on again, I see. Bellmoth now telling referee Joe Mercurio to back Hans away from the ropes… Mercurio pushing Hans back best he can, Bellmoth quickly rolls in and ANOTHER dropkick to Hans’ knee! Hans still holding up, but Bellmoth has the leg! Hans trying to keep his balance – he’s tripped up and FALLS! Bellmoth with a quick elbow drop! Another! A forearm to the face and now the cover – KICKOUT! Hans launches Bellmoth right off him even before the count of one!”

SMITH: “Man, say what you will about this dumb Polack, but he’s scary strong!”

MAYES: “Hans getting back to his feet, Bellmoth hits the ropes, BLASTS Hans with the clothesline to NO EFFECT! Hans grabs for Bellmoth, but he’s rushes to the floor yet again!”

SMITH: “Pick and move. Pick and move, Bill, keep doing it, champ!”



BELLMOTH: “Unreal, unfrickin’ real…You get the big dummy to finally overcommit and you pick him off, and then he just gets away with it! It’s disgusting… it’s disgusting that this is what wrestling has come to. Any idiot who works out and shoots up can be a champ now I guess.”



MAYES: “Bellmoth again telling referee Joe Mercurio to hold Hans back… Bill rolls back into the ring and quickly gets onto his feet… now both men are circling each other, trying to find a way to counter what the other had been doing… Bellmoth darts behind Hans, and a kick to the knee, and again! Bellmoth with another clip to the knee! He’s going for the same – yup, SLEEPER HOLD! Bellmoth on Hans’ back – uh oh, Hans is on his feet and holding onto Bellmoth! Hans running backwards toward the cor – NO! Bellmoth jumps off and Hans hits HARD into the corner!”

SMITH: “Now you got him! Get to work!”

MAYES: “Bellmoth quick to the 2nd rope and punching away at Hans’ head! Now a monkey flip – NO! Nowak throws him off halfway across the ring!”

SMITH: “Unbelievable!”

MAYES: “And Bellmoth has rolled out to the floor yet again!”



BELLMOTH: “I give up! I mean, this is unbelievable… I totally dominate the guy and he gets away with it time and again! I’d love to see him try this is a cash game… man he’d be so broke so fast Miss Ann would be somebody’s love slave after the first half hour… (OOOOOOOO’s from the room!) But I’m stuck with him in a tournament, can’t just sit around and wait, gotta make moves! So I make moves, and he picks me off, EVERY TIME! GOD… So stupid… (sighs)”



MAYES: “Bellmoth throwing himself yet another pity party, now rolls back into the ring, and Hans charges after him – NO! Bill avoids him and ANOTHER kick to the knee!”

SMITH: “Gotta stick with the gameplan, Mayes!”

MAYES: “It hasn’t done a THING so far – Bellmoth off the ropes and HITS a flying shoulderblock, but Hans still hasn’t budged! Bellmoth again to the ropes, and now a CLOTHESLINE! But Hans is STILL on his feet! Bellmoth once more off the ropes… CLOTHESLINE! HE GOT HANS DOWN! HE GOT HANS DOWN! BELLMOTH COVERS – ONE! TWO! HANS KICKS OUT! Bellmoth jumping on top of Hans and keeping at him, peppering him with punches to the forehead – NO! Hans pushes him off SCREAMING at Bellmoth – Bill to the floor (Pop!) AND NOW HANS IS COMING AFTER HIM!”



BELLMOTH: “My lord… could the ref… be any slower? I got the guy… beat and AHHHHHHHHHHHHH - ”



MAYES: “Hans has Bellmoth BY THE HAIR! He’s pulling Bellmoth up to the apron – BELLMOTH DROPS DOWN AND SNAPS HANS’ NECK ON THE TOP ROPE!”

SMITH: “Flawless!”



BELLMOTH: “Wow, you gotta be a total fish! I mean honestly, I can’t believe that worked!”



MAYES: “Bellmoth crowing about the move now going to the top rope! What’s he gonna do up there… DROPKICK FROM THE TOP! Hans Nowak has been TOPPLED! Bellmoth needs to go for the cover, but he’s not doing so!”

SMITH: “He’s going to now show everyone how to execute big stack power wrestling!”

MAYES: “Bill’s circling Hans, and now he hooks him in! He’s going for The Cooler – (Pop!) NO! BLOCKED BY HANS! HANS HAS BELLMOTH BY THE THROAT!”

SMITH: “NOOOOO! (BAM!)”

MAYES: “CHOKESLAM! CHOKESLAM! MY GOD THE IMPACT! BELLMOTH MAY BE DEAD!”

SMITH: “Not like this!”

MAYES: “Hans peels Bellmoth off the mat, and he’s LIFTING HIM TO THE SKY! The crowd has gotten sick of Bellmoth and are telling Hans to finish him off! Hans has him HIGH UP IN THE AIRRRRRRRR… DOING REPS! He’s powerlifting Bill Bellmoth up and down! THREE! FOUR! FIVE! HE DROPS HIM ON HIS FACE WITH THE PRESS SLAM! HANS HITTING THE ROPES! THIS IS IT!”

SMITH: “MOVE OUT OF THE WAY!” (Crowd pops!)

MAYES: “HANS ATTAAAAAAAACK! HANS ATTACK! DOUBLE STOMP TO THE GUT! Hans with two hands on the chest – DOING PUSHUPS! ONE! (Crowd chanting along!) TWO! THREEEEEEEEE! BILL’S BEEN KILLED!”



(SFX: Bell ringing, the room popping for the monster finish!)



(MUSIC UP: “National Anthem of Poland”)



JERRY HARWELL: “The winner of the match, and ADVANCING TO ROUND TWO… HANNNNNNS NOOOOOOOO-WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAK!”



(HANS gets up off BELLMOTH and flexes for MISS ANN! HANS jumps out of the ring and angrily power walks to the back, screaming “HANS CRUSH STUPID SUNGLASS MAN” then spitting at the camera, as MISS ANN quickly tries to catch up from behind!)



MAYES: “This was a HUGE statement by Hans Nowak to LVW!”

SMITH: “Bah.”

MAYES: “More importantly a statement to the wrestler’s in our next match – El Gordo Grande! “Broadway” Johnny Doll! They’re here to fight for respect!”

SMITH: “Then they’ll be fighting for their life!”

MAYES: “They may very well be – Grande! Doll! That match is NEXT!”



(CRASH TO BREAK)

 

[Koby]

LVW World Championship Madness - Segment 09

(FADEIN: JEFF MAYES and SIR SIMON SMITH at the announcer’s table!)



MAYES: “We’re back, and what a hell of a night we’ve had so far!”

SMITH: “If you say so, Mayes. None of my guys are winning!”

MAYES: “Keeping the streak up, huh SIR Simon.”

SMITH: “Go ahead, keep going at it. You’ll get yours, Mayes.”

MAYES: “Whatever. Coming up here in a minute, we’ve got El Gordo Grande, LVW’s Pride of Mexico, going against newcomer “Broadway” Johnny Doll – coming into this match, both men talked about wanting to show the other respect in the ring!”

SMITH: “Respect? This city? What are they smoking?”

MAYES: “Not everyone in Las Vegas is a sleezeball like you, Smith. This has the makings of an interesting match!”



(MUSIC UP: “Ain’t That A Kick In The Head” – Dean Martin)



(CUTTO: The curtain, and out steps “BROADWAY” JOHNNY DOLL to golf claps and respectful cheers from the room! DOLL flashes a dazzling smile, matching his dazzling blue sequined bowtie and knee-length jacket, down to the tails! JOHNNY DOLL does a mini-jog towards the ring, holding both hands out, getting slaps from railbirds on both sides of the aisle! DOLL gets to ringside and goes all the way around toward the hard cam side, slapping five with everyone in his path! DOLL stops and then jumps up onto his knee on the apron, then up and into the ring, ripping off his sequined jacket to reveal his tights with “BROADWAY” scripted across the seat in gold, then clapping for the fans, giving back their love!)



SMITH (V/O): “I feel like I just got transported back to Georgia, or is it North Carolina? Last I heard they got a bunch of wetbacks there too!”

MAYES (V/O): “Why… nevermind. Now it’s time for Doll’s opponent!”



(MUSIC UP: “Bullet With Butterfly Wings” – Smashing Pumpkins)



(CUTTO: The stage, and the Mexican presence in the room is FELT! Air horns start to blast! QUICK-CUT: The Mexican flag being waived up in the cheap seats! QUICK CUT: Back to the stage, and out comes EL GORDO GRANDE to a thunderous response from all the non-gringos and cheers from the gringos! GRANDE throws his arms into the air, soaking in the love, pointing at his homelanders up in the rafters! GORDO GRANDE tugs at his customary red mask and heads for the ring, slapping hands! GRANDE jumps onto the apron and points at JOHNNY DOLL, then claps his hands in a show of respect! EL GORDO GRANDE steps through the ropes and climbs to the second turnbuckle, throwing his arms into the air again to the sounds of more air horns! GRANDE jumps off and starts stretching in his corner.)



SMITH (V/O): “What the hell is up with this? First the homeless for Web Browser, now the border-jumpers for El Gordo Grande? I thought we didn’t let their kind in here!”

MAYES (V/O): “They shouldn’t have let YOU in here. You’re lucky you still have this job. Up to ring announcer Jerry Harwell!”



JERRY HARWELL: “This match is set for ONE fall, with the winner advancing in the CLUBS bracket! (Pop!) FIRST, in the corner to my left! (Cheers!) He hails from the Double EN WHY! Weighing in at TWO hundred and TWENTY seven pounds… He is “BROADWAY” JOHN-NEEEEEEEEEEE DOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL! (More cheers from the room!)”



“And his OPPONENT! (Air horns!) Hailing from La Chiwawa, MEXICO! (POP!) He weighs in at TWO hundred and FORTY five pounds… He is, ELLLLLL GORRRRRRR-DOOOOOOOOOOOO GRANNNNNNNNNNNN-DEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHH! (The House of Blues gets loud!)”



“Your referee is Cesar Martinez.”



(SFX: Bell ringing!)



MAYES: “And we’re set to go! Grande and Doll circling each other (Clapping!) and touch hands, ready for battle! They lockup, Doll with the arm and gets the upperhand with an arm-wringer… Doll twisting the arm, trying to get Grande to his feet – Grande rolls forward and tosses Doll to the mat! Doll up and they lockup again – Doll with the headlock, Grande pushes him into the ropes, Doll off and knocks Grande to the mat! Doll off the ropes again… jumps over Grande… off the other end, Grande up, back body – NO! Sunset flip – NO! Grande holding on, not falling over, and DROPS to his knees! Cesar down – ONE! TWO! Doll rolls him over! ONE! TWO! KICKOUT! And both men BACK to their feet!” (Crowd clapping!)

SMITH: “Someone slug somebody in the face already!”

MAYES: “They lockup, and now Grande with the headlock! Doll pushes him into the ropes… leapfrogs Grande! Grande coming back… DROPKICK! Grande down! Doll hits the ropes again – DROPKICK TO THE HEAD! Quick cover – ONE! TWO! NO! Grande kicks out, and Doll is going at him with forearms! Doll brings Grande up… lifts him over his shoulder, and charges for the corner – BACKFIRST Grande goes into the corner! Johnny Doll gets his legs, and ties him up upside-down! Grande stuck, Doll backs up… OH! FLIES IN WITH A DROPKICK TO THE RIBS! Grande legs pop right off and he falls to the mat! Doll’s got his head now… climbing to the second turnbuckle, and he’s motioning for something – (Pop!) TORNADO DDT! He PLANTED Grande into the mat! The cover! ONE! TWO! TH-NO! GRANDE KICKS OUT!”

SMITH: “The wetback almost had his one way ticket back over the border!”

MAYES: “Johnny Doll grabs the head again, no! Punch by Grande to the gut! Another! Gordo to his feet and he shoves Doll into the corner (SLAP! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!) HARD chop (SLAP! WOOOOOOOOOOO!) second chip (SLAP! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!) and a THIRD for good measure! Grande WHIPS Doll into the ropes – BACK BODY DROP! Doll quick to his feet – BACKBREAKER by Grande! Cover – ONE! TWO and NO, kickout! Grande lifts Doll up and hooks him innnnnnn… BIG SUPLEX! Grande rolls over – ONE! TWO! NO! Grande tried for another cover – ONE! TWO! NO! Doll kicks out!”

SMITH: “Feed him some tequila, that’ll make him stay down!”

MAYES: “Grande lifts Doll to his feet (SLAP! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!) DOLL NOW WITH A CHOP! (SLAP! WOOOOOOOOOOOOO!) ANOTHER! Doll has Grande rocked, he lifts him and SLAMS Grande to the mat, and Doll rushes to the top rope! Doll scampers up therrrrrrrrre… BIG ELBOW DROP OFF THE TOP! Doll cover! ONE! TWO! NO! Grande gets out JUST in the knick of time!”

SMITH: “I’m running out of time and patience with this match, end this!”

MAYES: “Got no money on this, huh SIR Simon? Doll picks Grande off the mat, and he’s got ahold of his right arm, and he’s wrapping it around Grande’s neck, he could be going for his FINISH- NO! Grande spins around SLINGS Doll into the ropes! GORDO GRABS HIM – (POP!) BIIIIIIIIIG BELLY-TO-BELLY SUPLEX! Doll is OUT – Gordo runs over for the cover – ONE! TWO! TH-NO! Doll JUST gets out!”

SMITH: “Hook the leg, already. Hook the leg!”

MAYES: “El Gordo Grande… picks up Johnny Doll, and he’s PUTTING HIM UP ON HIS SHOULDERS! He’s putting Johnny Doll up in the TORTURE RAC – NO! DOLL SCAMPERS OUT! Doll on his feet HITS the ropes – Grande THROWS him into the AIR – (OOOOOOOO!) HURRICURANA BY JOHNNY DOLL! El Gordo Grande is ROCKED and falls into the ropes, and bounces OFF – (BAM!) SUPERKICK BY JOHNNY DOLL! FLUSH TO THE FACE! DOLL WITH THE COVER – ONE! TWO! NOOOOOO! GRANDE KICKS OUT! (Crowd giving it up, marking out!) LISTEN to this crowd!”

SMITH: “Buncha rubes, they don’t know any better, Mayes!”

MAYES: “Doll… pointing to the top! He’s going to finish this now!”

SMITH: “He better watch out, it’s dangerous up there!”

MAYES: “Johnny Doll… struggling his way to the top… this match has taken something out of him… Doll now perched upstairs, pointing down at Grande! And he FLIES… (POP!) MISSES THE LEGDROP! GRANDE ROLLED OUT OF THE WAY! Grande’s slapping the mat, getting the crowd with him, trying to get to his feet!”

SMITH: “These two need to just learn the art of staying down, Mayes. They won’t give up!”

MAYES: “They are FIGHTING for the LVW World Heavyweight Championship shot, and referee Cesar Martinez giving the count – both are getting to their feet! Both men are up (SLAP! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!) Gordo Grande chop! (SLAP! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!) Doll returns the favor! (SLAP! WOOOOOOOOOOOO!) Grande! (SLAP! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!) Doll – AND a knee to the solarplexes! Johnny Doll pushes Grande back into the corner, climbs to the second turnbuckle – and IN with the rights! THREE! FOUR! FIVE! SIX! (Crowd counting along!) SEVEN! EIGHT! WAITAMINUTE! Grande WITH THE LEGS and he’s taking him out of the corner! Doll punching him in the head trying to get Grande to drop him! Grande is holding Doll UPPPP – HURRICURANA BY DOLL – NO! GRANDE’S HOLDING ONTO THE LEGS! HE DIDN’T ROLL THROUGH! HE’S GOT DOLL CAUGHT UPSIDE DOWN! Grande… he’s TRYING to power Doll back up! Doll trying to get back up for momentum for another try! GRANDE GETS DOLL OVER HIS HEAD AND HE’S RUNNINNNNNGGGGGG… (BAM! POP!) RUNNING POWERBOMB! RUNNING POWERBOMB! GRANDE QUICK WITH THE FLOATOVER FOR THE COVER! HOOKS THE LEGS TIGHT! ONE! TWO! THREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! HE GOT HIM! (SFX: Bell ringing, the air horns blasting off the chain!) HE GOT HIM!”

SMITH: “Finally!”



(MUSIC UP: “Bullet With Butterfly Wings” – Smashing Pumpkins)



JERRY HARWELL: “The winner of the match, and ADVANCING TO ROUNG TWO… ELLLLLLLLLLL GORRRRRRRR-DO GRAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNN-DEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEH!”



(The Mexican flag is flying high in the House of Blues rafters! EL GORDO GRANDE gets to his feet and throws his arms into the air in victory! “Broadway” JOHNNY DOLL holds the back of his head and rolls to his knees, using the ropes to get back up and balanced. GRANDE sees his fallen opponent and starts clapping his hands, urging the crowd to give JOHNNY DOLL applause! DOLL gets to his feet and turns to face GRANDE, who sticks his hand out for a shake – and JOHNNY DOLL shakes his hand to the cheers of the crowd!)



SMITH: “Oh, OK, see, now THIS is going to make me throw up, Mayes!”

MAYES: “There’s nothing wrong with two competitors showing respect for one another, SIR Simon. That was one HELL of a match!”



(DOLL grabs GRANDE and gives him a congratulatory hug, then grabs GRANDE’s arm and lifts it to the air, pointing at GRANDE, the room cheering again! The two shake hands again, then JOHNNY DOLL heads to the ropes and out, holding his head as he hits the back, fans’ hands slapping him for the match!)



SMITH: “Gag me, please!”

MAYES: “I wish I could, I wish I could! With this big win, El Gordo Grande will move on to face the Polish War Machine, Hans Nowak, for a spot in the 4-Way Ironman Match for the World Heavyweight Championship!”



(EL GORDO GRANDE jumps onto the second turnbuckle, arms in the air triumphantly!)



SMITH: “Can we go to break already? Someone get me some Scope – or better yet, some whiskey!”

MAYES: “UP NEXT – The Diamonds Bracket! The Living Dead! El Magick-O! Be right back!”



(CRASH TO BREAK)

 

[Koby]

LVW World Championship Madness - Segment 10

(FADEIN: JEFF MAYES and SIR SIMON SMITH at the announcer’s table.)



MAYES: “Welcome back to LVW – SIR Simon, we have THREE semi-final matches locked into place in the LVW World Heavyweight Championship Tournament, and here in a few minutes, we will decide the final two participants!”

SMITH: “I hate to say this, but I have to… Donovan, you better beat that crazed loon Gladiator senseless!”

MAYES: “Speaking of Gladiator, who will be facing James Donovan in tonight’s Main Event, we got a promo from him from earlier today. (SMITH gulps) Let’s run the video-tape!”

(CUTTO: Somewhere in the trenches of Mandalay Bay, a room full of pipes and machinery. GLADIATOR, wearing a black toga, stands in the middle of it all.)

GLADIATOR: “Oh Jimmy… Pretty Pretty Jimmy… The girls all cheer you, they love you. They love their Pretty Jimmy. Oh, but things are going to take a terrible turn for the worse. You won’t be so pretty after tonight Jimmy… oh no, after tonight, the shouts and cries for you will be replaced by screams of horror, by wailing of what was and what is now lost.”

“I’m going to take your pretty face Jimmy, and split it wide open, I’m going to scar you, going to maim you! There won’t be a hooker on this EARTH that will not throw up at the idea of servicing you after I’m done… and I know that losing that would be a far greater loss then being denied some leather and gold belt.”

“Pretty Pretty Jimmy… your beauty will not fade with time, but rather, be SLASHED AWAY BY PIANO WIRE!”

(GLADIATOR pulls out a spool of piano wire from his toga and holds it up for the camera!)

(CUTTO: The broadcast table!)

SMITH: “He’s a psycho, I told you!”



(CUTTO: Backstage, “Cowboy” JAMES DONOVAN, with cowboy hat on head, looking into the lens.)



MAYES (V/O): “And now let’s get a word from James Donovan… Jimmy, how you doing?”



JAMES DONOVAN: “Yee-haw! I'm happier than a pig in [BEEP]! I gets to go out and
wrangle me a Gladiater who tried t'strangle me with piani wire!”

MAYES: “Do you have any last words for Gladiator?”

JAMES DONOVAN: “Not really, 'cept that the offer's still on that thar table
for him to get a good blowjob from Fabiola after the match. I mean,
it's the least I could do after puttin' his ass in a sling an' all.”

MAYES: “Well, alright... James Donovan everybody!”



(CUTTO: The announcer’s table.)



SMITH: “He better come through for me, ONE TIME!”

MAYES: “But up next – The Zombie! The Magician! Living Dead versus El Magick-O, after the break!”



(CRASH TO BREAK)

 

[Koby]

LVW World Championship Madness - Segment 11

(MUSIC UP: “California Love” – Tupac)



(CUTTO: The entranceway, and out hops MC LUSCIOUS BOOTY DIVA X to catcalls, and behind her her charge, THE LIVING DEAD! DIVA jumps up and down, trying to bounce her cleavage out of her tight black lace bra, to hoots and hollars! LIVING DEAD rocks back and forth in his zombie-walk towards the ring!)



MAYES (V/O): “We’re back and here with The Living Dead!”

SMITH (V/O): “MC Luscious has me alive… in the pants!”

MAYES (V/O): “Will you… anyway, Living Dead’s been in a bit of a funk lately, but he’s here to break out of that skid and move on in the tournament!”

SMITH (V/O): “Maybe if he had some blood flowing through him to the right body parts he wouldn’t be so… dead! Not with THAT following him around!”

MAYES (V/O): “You up n… um, nevermind.”

SMITH (V/O): “That’s right, but too bad for Living Dead, because he’s about to face off with the great magical powers of El Magick-O!”



(MUSIC UP: “The Dope Hat” – Marilyn Manson)



(CUTTO: Back to the stage, and out in full-blown cape, top hat, bowtie, magic wand et al, is the masked EL MAGICK-O! MAGICK-O heads down toward the ring, his hypnotizing outfit – circles, comets, planets, shooting stars, various bright colors – giving people fits, even a fan quickly throwing on a pair of shades! MAGICK-O stops at the bottom step to the ring and twirls his magic wand at the crowd to a round of boos!)



MAYES (V/O): “What the heck is he wearing?”

SMITH (V/O): “It’s eye-catching, isn’t it? I think I’ll get myself something just like it!”

MAYES (V/O): “More like eye-bleeding! I wouldn’t be surprised if it woke up the dead!”



JERRY HARWELL: “This match is set for ONE fall, with the winner advancing in the DIAMONDS Bracket! (Pop!) FIRST, in the corner to my LEFT (Catcalls atop a mixed reaction!), led to the ring by MC LUSCIOUS BOOTY DIVA X! (More catcalls, DIVA blowing mock kisses to the crowd!) He hails from PARTS UNKNOWN… weighing in at ONE hundred and SEVENTY FOUR POUNDS… he is… THE LIV-INNNNNNNNNG

DEEEEEEEEAAAAAD! (LIVING DEAD stands still, mummified, to the smattering of cheers from the crowd!)”



“And his OPPONENT! (Some boos!) He hails from THE OH CEE, California! Weighing in… at TWO hundred and FIFTEEN pounds… he is ELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL MAGICK – OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!”



SMITH (V/O): “The O is for Orgasm!”



HARWELL: “Your referee is Joe Mercurio.”



(SFX: Bell ringing!)



MAYES: "They lock up! El Magick-O pushes Living Dead into the ropes …BIG CHOP! And a right hand! El Magick-O whips Dead into the ropes …BACKDROP - NO! Dead kicks him in the face… Magick-O staggering, Dead off the ropes with a CLOTHESLINE flooring El Magick-O!”

SMITH: "The Zombie’s showing life!”

MAYES: "Dead with an elbowdrop, and another! He pulls Magick-O to his feet and drills him with a right hand. Dead throws Magick-O into the corner and FIRING in a series of kicks to his gut! Irish whip… Magick-O into the corner and charges …NOBODY HOME! Dead staggers out of the corner and gets caught by Magick-O …BACK SUPLEX!”

SMITH: "Nevermind, the Zombie is back where he normally is, getting buried in the mat!"

MAYES: "Magick-O stomping on Dead, and picks him up… Dead whipped into the ropes… HURRICANRANA! (Crowd pops a bit!) MAGICK-O JUST THREW DEAD CLEAR ACROSS THE RING WITH THAT! THE COVER! ONE! TWO! NO! DEAD KICKS OUT!"

SMITH: "The master of illusions has proven zombies are no match for him! I saw the promos, he beats the undead… dead!"

MAYES: "Ummm… OK… Magick-O pulls Dead back up and whips him to the corner …SPINNING HEEL KICK! OH MY! He just CRUSHED Dead in the corner! Dead falls to the mat and Magick-O now playing to the crowd, proud of the damage he did!"

SMITH: "And who wouldn't be? He just nearly gave some fan in the 10th row Living Dead's head as a keep-sake!"

MAYES: "Magick-O walking over to Dead WHO SITS UP! Magick-O pulls him up and hooks him …SWINGING NECKBREAKER! Magick-O standing over Dead and is giving him the bad mouth, DEAD SITS UP AGAIN! Magick-O looks disgusted, and he’s kicking the bottom rope in frustration! He slams Living Dead to the mat and now he is waiting on him… waiting… Living Dead sits up and gets to his kneeeeee …SHINING WIZARD!”

SMITH: "He's a master of magic, clearly he’d use a move named after wizards!"

MAYES: "El Magick-O… looking proud as he could be over what he's done… but LIVING DEAD SITS UP AGAIN! El Magick-O is irate! Wait a minute, he's going to the floor, what's he doing? He's reaching into his hat… he's got his magic wand? What the hell?"

SMITH: "The wrestling isn’t keeping this dead freak time, it’s time to tap into the dark arts, Mayes!"

MAYES: "This… is so dumb. Magick-O in the ring, and I guess referee Joe Mercurio is letting him keep the wand… and… what’s he doing? He’s trying to cast a spell on Living Dead! I don't think it's working! Dead’s stalking right at Magick-O who’s still waving that stupid wand!”

SMITH: "You got to get a spell just right, or it won't work, and with a minion of the damned in your face, I'd like to see YOU try it!"

MAYES: "Magick-O stuck in the corner, Dead’s closing in… WAIT! WHAT THE HELL? Dead just dropped to the mat like a stone! Magick-O’s confused! He's kicking Living Dead, but Dead isn't moving!"

SMITH: "He did it! He removed whatever unholy magic was animating Living Dead and has reduced him to a lifeless bag of bones!"

MAYES: "This… this is a joke! Magick-O’s finally having convinced himself that Living Dead is, well, dead - drops his wand and now covers! ONE! TWO! NO! DEAD KICKED OUT AND HE'S BITING MAGICK-O!"

SMITH: "WHAT? The Dark Lord's Power over Dead truly is great! I'd like this whole crowd to join in with El Magick-O the next time he tries to dispel this demon, maybe together we can make it happen!"

MAYES: "You didn't just lose all your money, you’ve also lost your mind! Living Dead is CHEWING on El Magick-O’s mask! Magick-O’s somehow able to rip him off and gets back to his feet! Living Dead back up and Dead grabs the magician and sends him for the ride! CLOTHESLINE! Magick-O pops back up, kick to the gut! HUGE right hand has Magick-O spit flying! Dead whips him in… BACK ELBOW drops El Magick-O! Dead now off the ropes – LEGDROP! AND BACK UP! Off the ropes again, ANOTHER legdrop! Back up again and a THIRD TIME – LEGDROP! Living Dead rolls over to cover – ONE! TWO! NO, Magick-O kicks out!”

SMITH: “That was close!”

MAYES: "Why are you rooting for one of these guys over the other?"

SMITH: "Because I don't like Zombies! My older brother took me to the films when I was 9 and they scared the hell out of me, Mayes. And Magick-O not only could beat this thing, he could destroy him!"

MAYES: "There’s some things I just wish I didn’t know - Living Dead has Magick-O on his feet and he’s hammering away on him… El Magick-O up against the ropes, Living Dead off the opposite ropesssss… CLOTHESLINE! BOTH MEN OVER THE TOP TO THE FLOOR!"

SMITH: "This isn’t good!”

MAYES: "Both men slow to get up, referee Joe Mercurio starting up his ten count… both men get to their feet, Booty Diva X out there yelling at her man to get up! She’s putting the bad mouth to El Magick-O as well – (Pop!) MAGICK-O JUST RIPPED HER BRA! MY GOD! HE'S TRYING TO MAKE HER TOPLESS!"

SMITH: "He never touched her! He's using his talents in the arcane arts to make her top fall off, and what a great trick that was!"

MAYES: "You're just sick! Booty Diva X trying to hold onto her bra for dear life! Living Dead’s up and sees this! He doesn’t know how to react! Watch out – FACE FIRST INTO THE STEEL POST! EL MAGICK-O WITH A KNEE TO THE BACK! Living Dead may be OUT! Diva’s in shock, and now running to the back!”

SMITH: "Don’t leave! Strip!”

MAYES: "El-Magick-O rolls Living Dead into the ring, and gives the cut-throat sign! He hooks Dead’s head in… and LIFTS HIM UP! Is he going for a powerbomb – NO! He slides Living Dead down his back and hooks Living Dead’s head in for a neckbreaker! What is he… he’s now SPINNING AROUND! AIRPLANE SPIN WITH LIVING DEAD ON HIS BACK!”

SMITH: “It’s time for Living Dead to see the World of Mirrors!”

MAYES: “El Magick-O spinning (BAM!) DROPS AND DRIVES LIVING DEAD INTO THE MAT! HE NEARLY SNAPPED LIVING DEAD’S HEAD CLEAN OFF WITH THE WORLD OF MIRRORS! EL MAGICK-O COVERS – ONE! TWO! THREEEEEEEE! IT’S OVER!”

SMITH: “Yes!”



(SFX: Bell ringing!)



(MUSIC UP: “The Dope Hat” – Marilyn Manson)



JERRY HARWELL: “The winner of the match, and ADVANCING TO ROUND TWO… ELLLLLLLLLL MAGICK-OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!”



(EL MAGICK-O gets to his feet and raises his arms in victory, to the hatred of the House of Blues!)



MAYES: “A big win for El Magick-O, who will be moving on in the LVW World Heavyweight Tournament to face the winner of our Main Event – James Donovan or Gladiator!”

SMITH: “If that damn Cowboy can’t take care of the loon, well… um… then THIS is the guy for the job!”

MAYES: “Stay right here, coming up next, our Main Event! “Cowboys” James Donovan! Gladiator! AFTER THE BREAK!”



(CRASH TO BREAK)

 

[Koby]

LVW World Championship Madness - Segment 12

(MUSIC UP: “Da Joint” – EPMD)



(FADEIN: Blue screen, flashy lights bordering all around, House of Blues logo in the middle, with date, time, and lots of 411.)



MAYES (V/O): “People in the Valley, come join us here at the House of Blues for some Las Vegas Wrestling action! Get your tickets now for our next show by hitting us up on the website listed, by calling 1-702-555-2525, or by showing up at the House of Blues at Mandalay Bay here on the Las Vegas STRIP!”



“And also going on sale tomorrow, tickets to our very first Supershow on the Strip, which will be taking place LIVE at the House of Blues! Get your tickets NOW, or join us LIVE on Closed Circuit TV from any MGM Hotel & Casino property!”



“On our next card will be the FOUR semi-final matches, the winners facing off for the LVW World Heavyweight Title at Supershow on the Strip I! This show is HUGE! BE THERE, GET YOUR TICKETS NOW! We are sure to sell out the hottest show in Vegas, so don’t wait! JOIN US! EL VEE DOUBLE-U …taking it, to the OBSCENE!”



(FADEOUT TO BLACK)

 

[Koby]

LVW World Championship Madness - Segment 13

(MUSIC UP: “Rome (edit)” – Dschinghis Khan)



(CUTTO: The stage, as the Roman horns blast, leading to the roll of drums, and out through the curtain comes the crazy GLADIATOR! He stands at the top of the mini-rampway, soaking in the boos! GLADIATOR, in his black toga flowing down to his heavily padded knees, heads for the ring with a demented smile on his face!)



MAYES (V/O): “It’s time for the Main Event! This man right here is one of the sickest people ever to enter into this business! I mean, he enjoys maiming people with piano wire!”

SMITH (V/O): “Don’t let him see me!”

MAYES (V/O): “For those of you who don’t know, a long, long time ago.”

SMITH (V/O): “Around ’95 or ‘96.”

MAYES (V/O): “A LONG time ago, Sir Simon Smith spent a good long while wondering around in a black toga himself, acting as ‘Ceasar’ to Gladiator… and given the fact that Sir Simon is now trying to hide under the broadcast table, I can only assume this relationship ended poorly.”

SMITH (V/O): “I invoke my 5th amendment rights! We still have that one, don’t we?”

MAYES (V/O): “Gladiator has made his way into the ring, you’re safe… for now, SIR Simon!”

SMITH (V/O): “I won’t feel safe until Donovan shows up.”



(MUSIC UP: “Bat Country” – Avenged Sevenfold)



MAYES (V/O): “And HERE HE COMES!”



(CUTTO: The rampway, and out is “Cowboy” JAMES DONOVAN to thundering cheers and screams from the ladies! DONOVAN, decked out in all blue, tights, elbow and knee pads et al, focuses his attention to the ring, and speed walks for it! The women go crazy and a pair of panties flies DONOVAN’s way, but he passes right by it and rolls right into the ring, staring GLADIATOR down!)



MAYES (V/O): “The Cowboy is here! And this crowd is on it’s feet! James Donovan with just an amazing ovation!”

SMITH (V/O): “I thought I’d never say this, but GO DONOVAN!”

MAYES (V/O): “We are READY for our Main Event! Up to the always dapper R. Jerry Harwelll!”



JERRY HARWELL: “This is… our MAIN EVENT! (Pop!) It is set for ONE fall, with the winner advancing in the Diamonds Bracket! (Another Pop!) FIRST, in the corner to MY LEFT! (Crowd turns and BOOS!) Hailing from Rome, Italy! He weighs in… at TWO hundred and TEN pounds… he is a FORMER WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION! HE IS… GLAAAAD-EEEEE-AAAAA-TORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!” (The House of Blues showers him with boos, a sick smile appears on GLADIATOR’s face!)



“And HIS OPPONENT! (POP!) HAILING… from Enid, OKLAHOMA… weighing in at TWO hundred and FORTY FIVE pounds… LADIES AND GENTLEMEN… THE COWBOY… JAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMES DON-O-VAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNN!” (DONOVAN lifts a fist and flashes a smile to loud cheers!)



“Your referee is Cesar Martinez.”



MAYES: “Jerry Harwell making sure to get clear out of the way… (SFX: Bell ringing!) AND HERE WE GO! Gladiator charges Donovan and gets arm-dragged! Another charge, ANOTHER ARMDRAG! A third charge, A THIRD ARMDRAG! Gladiator to his feet and he shouts in frustration - Donovan is waving his hands at him, telling Gladiator to bring it on!”

SMITH: “That’s a great idea, keep his attention on you Donovan!”

MAYES: “They lock up and Donovan pushes Gladiator to the corner… Cesar is calling for a break, and he gets a clean one from Donovan!”

SMITH: “You sucker! Gladiator would slit your throat and laugh as you bled out! NO MERCY DONOVAN! YOU GOTTA KILL THIS FREAK!”

MAYES: “Back up in the middle of the ring, and they lock up! Donovan just THROWS Gladiator to the mat! Gladiator up to his feet and he’s just having a problem dealing with the power of the Cowboy!”

SMITH: “Don’t kid yourself, he’ll figure something out. I just wish Donovan would powerslam his ass through the mat right quick and get this done with!”

MAYES: “Lock up and Donovan with an arm bar, and now he turns it into a hammerlock. Donovan puts his foot on the back of Gladiator’s knee and pushes him down to his knees, now really wrenching in on that hammerlock. Gladiator looks more upset with himself for getting caught in this hold then he does in pain as he tells the ref he’s not quitting.”

SMITH: “I think if his arm was broken he’d be happy he could have a club to use to beat his opponent down with.”

MAYES: “Gladiator gets back to his feet, ELBOW! Glad with a SECOND elbow, and he breaks the hold! Gladiator off the ropes, shoulderblock! And Donovan doesn’t go down! He’s telling Gladiator to try again! Gladiator back off the ropes (POP!) …BIG FOOT BY DONOVAN! Gladiator just ran right into the Size 13 shoe of the Cowboy!”

SMITH: “No wonder the ladies love him.”

MAYES: “Not now! Donovan covers! ONE! TWO! NO! Gladiator kicks out!”

SMITH: “DAMMIT! Come on Donovan, find a way to win!”

MAYES: “Donovan so far has been in complete control. He pulls Gladiator up and hooks him …SIDEWALK SLAM! He covers! ONE! TWO! …NO! Gladiator kicks out! Donovan pulls Gladiator up hooks him in again …POWER BOMB! NO! GLADIATOR WITH A HURICANRANA! He just flipped Donovan over and to the mat!”

SMITH: “I can’t believe he did that!”

MAYES: “Donovan staggers to his feet - Gladiator with a kick to the gut doubles over Donovan… Gladiator off the ropes with a SCISSORS KICK to the back of Donovan’s neck! He covers! ONE! TWO! …NO!”

SMITH: “Oh thank God! Get up dammit! Fight Donovan, FIGHT!”

MAYES: “Gladiator dragging Donovan over towards the ropes, and DROPS a couple elbows! Glad now going to the apron …SEATED SENTON!! HE JUST CRUSHED DONOVAN’S RIB CAGE! THE COVER! ONE! TWO! …NO! DONOVAN KICKED OUT!”

SMITH: “I can interfere in the match… I used to do it all the time… this ref doesn’t look so bright… I just wish I’d brought a weapon with me to give to Donovan.”

MAYES: “I’m not sure Donovan would be thrilled with that, but currently the Cowboy’s in a world of hurt! Gladiator gets Donovan back to his feet, Glad behind Donovan and grabs the chin and OOOOOOO! THAT HAD TO HURT! Glad jumped up and fell back, DRIVING his knees into Donovan’s back!

SMITH: “That’s NOT cool! Come on Donovan, quit being a punching bag and start busting skulls!”

MAYES: “Gladiator’s going to the top rope! What is he doing… LEGDROP! HE CONNECTS WITH IMPACT! THAT COULD BE IT! ONE! TWO! THRE - NO! (Pop!) NO! DONOVAN KICKED OUT!”

SMITH: “I can’t even breathe, I feel like that Steelers fan who had a heart attack after the Bettis fumble!”

MAYES: “Don’t fall on me if you pass out! Glad’s hit an arsenal of moves and he’s yet to put James Donovan away! There’s no idea what he may go to for a finisher!”

SMITH: “Oh you’ll know it when you see it.”

MAYES: “Gladiator throws Donovan out to the floor! Gladiator follows him out and gets ahold of Donovan, and RAMS his head into the steel steps – NO! BLOCKED (SFX: CRASH!) GLAD INTO THE STAIRS… AND… GLAD JUST STARES AT HIM!”

SMITH: “OH GOD NO!”

MAYES: “(SFX: CRASH!) AGAIN into the steps, and AGAIN Gladiator acts like it didn’t affect him! Good grief! Donovan just DRILLS Gladiator with a right hand! And again! He’s going to try and find some way to hurt this maniac!”

SMITH: “He gets like this and he’s just out of his mind! He was thrown into a coffin and burned to cinders, then worked the next two nights! He’s done things, scary things!”

MAYES: “Gladiator and Donovan are coming this way now, both men trading punches!”

SMITH: “Is it normal to be crying now?”

MAYES: “Gladiator and Donovan… they’re near the timekeeper’s table …GLADIATOR WITH A DROP TOE HOLD! HE JUST DROVE DONOVAN’S FACE RIGHT INTO THE RING BELL! Donovan is on DREAM STREET! OH shi – WATCH OUT! (SFX: CRASH!) Gladiator just threw him onto our table!”

SMITH: “AHHHH! INCOMING!”

MAYES: “WE’ve got James Donovan LAID OUT on our announce table, and Gladiator… he’s going to the TOP ROPE! WHAT CAN HE BE THINKING?”

SMITH: “I’m thinking CLEAR THE [BEEP] OUT!”

MAYES: “Donovan is HELPLESS… (SFX: LOUD CRASH!) DONOVAN MOVED! DONOVAN MOVED! GLAD MISSED THE SPLASH FROM THE TOP! OUR TABLE IS SHATTERED!”



(“HOLY S***! HOLY S***!” blending into “EL VEE DOUBLE-U! EL VEE DOUBLE-U! EL VEE DOUBLE-U!”)



SMITH: “Are… are we on? Is he alive?”

MAYES: “I think we are, and I think he is! Both men are OUT here in the floor right in front of us! Head referee Cesar is clearly letting going to let this match go here on the outside!”

SMITH: “Screw that! Count them both out and get this toga wearing freak out of my life!”

MAYES: “Donovan is getting to his feet! We may have figured out something that’ll keep Gladiator down, and this was it! Donovan… struggling… dragging Gladiator’s carcass and rolling it into the ring... Donovan climbs in, and COVERS! ONE! TWO! TH- NO! NO! GLADIATOR KICKED OUT!”

SMITH: “SO CLOSE! Come on Donovan, ONE TIME …ONE TIME!”

MAYES: “Donovan is STUNNED! He gets Glad by the head and drags him up to his feet… waist-locks him from behind - GERMAN SUPLEX WITH A BRIDGE! ONE! TWO! …NO! GLADIATOR ROLLS HIS SHOULDER BUT DONOVAN ISN’T LETTING GO! Donovan PULLS HIM UP… RELEASE GERMAN SUPLEX! He just PLANTED him with that one!”

SMITH: “NO SELL THAT [BEEEP]!”

MAYES: “The COVER! ONE! TWO! NOOOO! Gladiator kicks out again!

SMITH: “Ugh, I’m going to be old before my time!”

MAYES: “Donovan pulls Gladiator up to his feet and hooks him again - BELLY TO BELLY SUPLEX! (The crowd gets rowdier!) He’s saying it’s over! He’s calling for the Oklahoma Stampede!”

SMITH: “Less hype, more planting! Finish him!”

MAYES: “Donovan grabs Glad and THROWS HIM OVER HIS SHOULDER! He sets himself up in the CORNERRRRRRR… NO! GLADIATOR SLIDES DOWN THE BACK! DONOVAN TURNS AROUND - MANDIBLE CLAW! MANDIBLE CLAW BY GLADIATOR!”

SMITH: “NOOOOO!”

MAYES: “THIS MUST BE GLADIATOR’S FINISHER! He’s got it LOCKED IN! Donovan is FADING – down to HIS KNEES! (The room gets loud, trying to get behind DONOVAN!) This crowd’s trying to rally him, trying to get him to overcome this!”

SMITH: “Come on Donovan, FIGHT IT!”

MAYES: “Donovan is on his knees! He is so close to the ropes! If only he can reach them to break the hold! If only (POP!) DONOVAN JUST GRABBED GLADIATOR’S TOGA AND THREW HIM TO THE FLOOR! Donovan with what ENERGY he had left was able to throw Gladiator to the floor through the ropes, using the toga as leverage!”

SMITH: “Whew! What a smart move!”

MAYES: “Gladiator quickly gets back into the ring and goes for the Claw again, but Donovan is keeping his mouth shut! Glad can’t get his fingers jammed into Donovan’s mouth! Donovan holding him off, getting back to his feet! Glad doing his damndest – DAMMIT! HE GOT IT BACK ON! DONOVAN’S TRAPPED IN THE MANDIBLE CLAW – (POP!) JAWBREAKER! DONOVAN WITH A JAWBREAKER! Whatta DESPERATION maneuver, and it pays off! Glad’s running to the top rope!”

SMITH: “Watch out!”

MAYES: “Glad going to the top (POP!) NO! JAMES DONOVAN HITS THE ROPES, AND GLADIATOR CROTCHES HIMSELF!”

SMITH: “So close!”

MAYES: “Gladiator’s been hung out to dry! Donovan gets ahold of himself… (Crowd gets rowdy!) DONOVAN PUTS GLAD ON HIS SHOULDER! HE’S HOOKED’IM IN! DONOVAN RUNNINGGGGGG… (The room erupts!) OKLAHOMA STAMPEDE! OKLAHOMA STAMPEDE! ONE! (Room counting along!) TWO! THREEEEEEEEEEEEE! JAMES DONOVAN GOT HIM!” (SFX: Bell ringing!)

SMITH: “YES! YES! YES!”



(MUSIC UP: “Bat Country” – Avenged Sevenfold)



(JAMES DONOVAN, on his knees, throws his arms into the air, the room going loony!)



JERRY HARWELL: “The winner of the match, and ADVANCING TO ROUND TWO… COWBOY! JAAAAAAAAAAMES DOOOOOOOOOOOON-O-VAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNN!”



MAYES: “What a match!”



(JAMES DONOVAN gets to his feet and climbs to the second rope, arms in the air, getting more love, and a pair of panties thrown at him!)



SMITH: “And Glad is GONE! YES!”

MAYES: “What a night! The first round of the LVW World Heavyweight Championship Tournament is IN THE BOOKS! EIGHT men are left, EIGHT men chasing the dream! Who will make the 4-Way Ironman Championship Match? We will find out next time!”

SMITH: “Please do, I need the money!”

MAYES: “Oh you’re a disgrace… go put your last dollars on 35 Black, or find a bullet!”

SMITH: “35 Bla… hey, WAIT! ROULETTE! THAT’S IT! That’ll get me back rolling in the dough! I gotta get out here and get going!” (SFX: SMITH’s headset getting taken off.)

MAYES: “Tune in next time for MORE Las Vegas Wrestling ACTION, on the ROAD to SUPERSHOW ON THE STRIP ONE! GOODNIGHT!”



(BLACK)