(The afternoon sun shines brilliantly from behind a cloud of active volcanic ash being spewed endlessly into the infernal horizon of the Carpathian Mountains. Vultures circle menacingly over the ebony crags stretched off into the dead skies. The macabre panoramic landscape marks the perfect backdrop for MAGNUS DESTRUCTO and DOMINATRA BOZOTH, enjoying the hot-tub of boiling doom out on the rear balcony of the Keep of Eternal Darkness.)
(Bozoth’s witch-like lips curl back as her crazed stare finds the camera.)
Shut your HOLES, you dickless worms... and tremble in fear beneath the bloodthirsty roar roar of the KING of ALL MONSTERS!! Hear now, the message of malice from the future first-ever NLW Openweight Champion... MAGNUS DESTRUCTO!!
(The massive frame of the Baron of Brutality rises from the bubbling red water filled with eyeballs, chunks of meat, and other internal organs. Wearing nothing but a black spike-studded speedo, one can see the numerous grafting hook scars dotting his pigment-deprived physique... no doubt an indicator of what bedroom life is like for Destructo and the Mistress of Mayhem. It’s truly a sight that would make one recoil, and he hasn’t even opened his mouth yet.)
Magnus Destructo HHRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUGGGGHHHH!!!
(Those who haven’t recoiled now do, as they witness the very maw of Magnus Destructo open wide and reveal a cannibal cavern of decaying flesh... the final sight of doom for many unfortunately souls to have fallen victim to the Dreaded Devourer. It’s a good thing nobody at home can smell anything.)
THE OVENS OF FATE HAVE DELIVERED TO ME A FEAST OF AN OPPONENT: A CHILD, BAKED TO A NICE GOLDEN CRISP!
IMPULSE... THERE ARE CHUNKS OF RAW MEAT IN MY EXCREMENT THAT WEIGH MORE THAN YOU... AND YOU THINK YOU CAN IMPEDE MY RELENTLESS AND DESTRUCTIVE PATH TO CLAIM MY BIRTHRIGHT... THE NLW OPENWEIGHT TITLE!?
YOU ARE WEAK, IMPULSE!! YOU ARE NOTHING BUT AN ARROGANT RAM BUTTING HEADS WITH SICKLY, GLASS-JAWED LAMBS TO PROVE YOUR STRENGTH!! I AM THE WOLF THAT WILL CONSUME THE ENTIRE FLOCK!!
I CANNOT WAIT TO REND YOUR FLESH FROM YOUR FEEBLE FORM... TO HEAR YOU PATHETIC CRIES FOR MERCY... TO HEAR THE LAMENTATIONS OF GRIEF FROM YOUR MAGGOT FANS AS THEY WITNESS THE HORRIFYING THINGS I DO TO YOU!!
(Destructo steps out of the spa, quickly being adorned in a robe made of human flesh by Dulak the Defiler, who scampers away before the Magnus can detect his presence. He approaches an open grill only a few feet away. What’s being barbequed in the Keep of Eternal Darkness today? Well, nobody can say for certain, but it’s got four limbs, a human skull, and a “Start Your Own Revolution” t-shirt.)
(The Baron of Brutality quite violently rips a limb off the roasted Impulse fan’s torso and takes a bloodthirsty bite out of it. He continues screaming at the top of his lungs in the middle of chewing, quite sickeningly spewing bits of barbecued Impulse fan from his all-consuming mouth.)
CONSIDER THIS UPCOMING VULGAR A FINAL OPPORTUNITY TO RECOGNIZE THE INEVITABLE CLOUD OF DOOM LOOMING IN YOUR HORIZON! THE KING OF ALL MONSTERS HAS DEMANDED A SACRIFICE... AND NLW HAS CHOSEN TO FEED ME A SCRAPPY SCOTSMAN BY THE NAME OF JEEBUS H. MCFARK!!
WATCH CLOSELY, IMPULSE... AS I RIP MCFARK’S HEAD OFF AND DROPKICK IT OUT OF THE ARENA!!
AND THEN... WHILE I DANCE A LITTLE JIG IN THE CENTER OF THE RING OVER HIS OL’ JEEBUS’ DECAPITATED CORPSE, WEARING A KILT MADE OUT OF HIS FLESH, AND PLAYING “SCOTLAND THE BRAVE” WITH BAGPIPES MADE OUT OF HIS LUNGS... YOU’LL UNDERSTAND THAT ONLY WORSE THINGS WILL COME TO YOU ONCE YOU ENTER THE RING WITH THE BARON OF BRUTALITY!!
(He takes another bite... but somewhat finding the taste of roasted Impulse fan to be unpleasing, he throws the rest of it into the black chasm behind him. Vultures swoop in to clean up the scraps. Magnus Destructo clears the blood from his lips as they stretch back into a sinister grin.)
BUT I’M GOING TO GIVE YOU THE OPPORTUNITY TO SAVE YOURSELF, IMPULSE...
JUST ONE CHANCE... AND THAT’S ALL YOU GET!!
WHEN THE TIME COMES FOR YOU AND I TO MEET FACE TO FACE IN THAT RING... I WANT YOU CRAWL DOWN THAT RAMP... DRAG YOUR PATHETIC SELF INTO THE RING... BOW AT THE FEET OF THE DREADED DEVOURER... AND WORSHIP ME – THE KING OF MONSTERS – AS THE UNDISPUTED OPENWEIGHT CHAMPION OF NEXT LEVEL WRESTLING!! DO THAT, AND I MIGHT LET YOU LIVE PAST THE PAY-PER-VIEW!!
(He’s joined by Bozoth, fresh out of the hot-tub in her spike-studded two-piece. Magnus throws an arm around her as her dreaded sneer finds the camera.)
Consider the offer, Impulse... if you have ANY BRAIN in that tiny, frail skull of yours! Many men have thus far DISAPPEARED after falling to the Master’s wrath... and lest you want to become any of them, you had better recognize your place in Next Level Wrestling BELOW him!
Magnus Destructo HHHRRAAAAAAAAWWWWGGGHHHH!!
(Unable to hold back his violent and sudden flourishes of sadistic rage any longer, Destructo picks up the toasty Impulse fan off the flaming grill with his bare hands and tosses it off into the gorge.)
IMPULSE... JEEBUS H. MCFARK... FUCK IT, ANYBODY IN NEXT LEVEL WRESTLING... YOU’VE BEEN PUT ON NOTICE!!
THE KING OF ALL MONSTERS IS LAYING CLAIM TO ALL OF NEXT LEVEL WRESTLING AS HIS DOMINION!! STAND IN MY WAY, AND YOUR DEATH WILL BE SLOW AND PAINFUL!!
SUCH IS THE FATE FOR ANY SOUL THAT STANDS IN MY WAY TO THE OPENWEIGHT TITLE!!
HAW HAW HAWWW!!!
(The two continue cackling, their sadistic laughter echoing off the blood-spattered walls of the canyons below them. The shot fades out as “The Sun Has Turned to Black” booms in the soundtrack.)
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