[MBE vs. EUWC] Hida Yakamo vs. Classy Mike C

[TH]

One fall to a finish. No time limit.

RP deadline is Wednesday, September 6th, 11:59:59 PM.

 

[Hida Yakamo]

Class is in Session

(Fade In, Hida in front of an MBE banner)

Another week, another fed aspiring to greatness, to bragging rights, to domination of the wrestling community.

Another fed that runs into the brick wall that is MBE.

Now, I could stand here and take the easy way out. Point out the totality of MBE's victory last week. The almost perfunctory dismantling of our opponents. The inevitability of the same result this week.

Or I could rattle off some witty commentary on our opponents complete and total team failure against *chortle* A1E, and your own personal failure against Andrew Gilkison, a man who was the key to unlocking the Rosetta Stone, as linguists just rightly assumed every carving of Andy was to be translated as 'mediocre.'

But no, Classy Mike C, I have not made a career of taking the easy way out (well, except when it suited me), I plow headlong into the biggest challenge and I come out the other side, a bit worse for the wear, but usually triumphant. And my challenge for this week?

Well, conversing with a man called “Classy” Mike C, for starters.

Admittedly, I am not the most egalitarian man in the world. I mean, I wouldn’t have gotten where I was in this industry by handing out a lot of mulligans of offers of fair play. It’s survival of the fittest out here. And well, I am a fit, fit man. And frankly if we passed on the street, and you asked me the time of day, I would lie by fifteen minutes in either direction, which ever I thought would inconvenience you more.

But Chapel thinks that we need to build anticipation for our match. As if a bit of witty repartee or promises of violence will pack more fans into the seats or in front of their televisions than the mere presence of The Asian Wonder on the marquee. I’m a philosopher, not a physicist, but I do believe that two bodies can’t occupy the same space at the same time. And the arena is already going to be packed just on the promise of an appearance by Hida Yakamo and the rest of MBE.

But we both know the game, Mike. At least, I suppose we do.

To be honest, I haven’t done a lot of research on you. I’m sure you have all my tapes and DVDs in a corner of your office, where you will be pouring over them, looking for that one strategic weakness, or one oft-injured body part to exploit.

But nothing I see in your matches, or your personage, will tell me anything more than I have already learned in my decade in the business. I will gleam nothing that I need to know. You could walk with a pronounced limp, or have a third eye, and it would matter as much to me as your weight, or your preferred manner of finishing off an opponent.

Because quite frankly, I don’t need to know it to beat you.

And anyway, I believe in saving my brain capacity for things that really matter. And I do fear that learning all the necessary information about you might push something else out of the forefront, like my grocery list, or something. After all, when this week is done, you will just be one more of the multitude to fall under the heel of The Asian Wonder. A faceless, nameless blur of humanity with one singular thing in common. They lacked the excellence that I carry with me each and every day.

That does cover a wide mass of the populace, Mikey, so you will have to excuse me if I don’t get too excited about all the ‘Classy Mike C Fun Facts’ that a bit of research might uncover. I’ve been down that road a thousand times before, and it truly fails to amuse or excite me anymore. I know you will be disappointed, even annoyed, maybe, that this wrestler who you may or may not have heard of (as you may or may not have been living under a rock for the last ten years) is being so curt and dismissive towards you, Classy Mike C!

So let me have it, let loose the slings and arrows of pure outrageous fortune. Promise victory for your honor, fed and mother. Pledge a classy sort of violence, to vindicate you and burn the image of Classy Mike C into the brain of The Asian Wonder once and for all.

To wit, do whatever it is you do.

But I should mention, I do hope the ‘Classy’ is a bit of an ironic misnomer, the kind that seems to pervade this business of ours. You know, like Angel of Death really probably being a pudgy guy that sits in front of his computer all day mocking people who in real life could kick his ass. While ironically bringing on an early coronary for himself with bag after bag of Pringles that he stuffs into his pie hole.

Cause there is nothing classy about what will be going on in the ring when you and I face off in our little grappling tet a tet. It’s a vile, debasing, and punitively violent experience wrestling the Asian Wonder. Some have called it poetry or beauty, but those flowery words only come from the people who merely watch, or those who manage to come out the other side with some semblance of ego intact.

And this week, you will be fitting into neither category.

 

[Classy Mike C]

[We open on a crowded street at lunchtime. People dressed for all manner of work scurry at different paces along, each with different expressions on their faces suggesting relaxation, panic or something in between. The camera watches the people before finally locking on its target, Classy Mike C. Mike C struts down the street as one of the more relaxed looking people. After a few moments he looks down at his watch seamlessly and follows this up a few seconds later by approaching another reasonably relaxed looking person.]

Mike C: Excuse me sir, you couldn't tell me the time could you?

Man: Erm...aren't you wearing a watch of your own?

Mike C: Just answer the question please.

Man: Oh ok...it's twenty minutes past one.

[Mike C looks at his own watch, smiles and then turns to the camera while placing an arm around the now very confused looking man.]

Mike C: Hida Yakamo, lesson number one: this man is what we call a normal, functioning, helpful member of society. While he could have easily brushed off my request...

Man: I did try to actua...

Mike C: Shut up! While he could have easily brushed off my request, viewing it as an inconvenience blocking his path through life in some way, instead he helpfully obliged. And all this in spite of the fact he clearly viewed me as having some sort of mental dysfunction. Well my helpful friend, please continue with what you were doing and have a nice day!

[The man walks off, his look now transformed from relaxed to bewildered. Mike C continues to walk while addressing the camera.]

Mike C: Now what this teaches us Hida Yakamo, first and foremost, is that you are a jumped up little p***k, one of those sorts who thinks this world is a constant struggle to help yourself only and use others. I have to say fair play because I'm exactly the same. I do things in order to get ahead, no matter who else it affects. I do my all to ensure that at the end of the day I'm number one. This tournament may be a team event, but I take it that every time I step into the ring, be it against you or Gilky or whoever comes next, I'm fighting to win for myself, with the benefit to the team stemming from that.

Now last week, I'll admit things didn't exactly go to plan for me or EUWC. But a new week is upon us and a new challenge. Sure, you may not know who I am and I may not know who you are, but I don't attribute this to living under a rock. I simply don't remember seeing you when I took part in the TEAM Tournament of Champions, that's all. I mean, maybe if you'd been good enough to get there we'd have more to talk about. Hell, maybe you were there and you really are just that dull, I don't know. What I do know is it's the so-called "Asian Wonder" vs. the newly crowned "Caucasian Thunder" and thank you very much for giving me the opportunity to premiere a new nickname.

As for you being dismissive? I really don't mind that at all, it just makes you a fool. Even I know that you should do a bit of research into your opponent and I'm actually going to meet an associate of mine who has been helping me out.

[Mike C walks a few more steps before entering an office. Through the office window, we can see him talk briefly to the receptionist before walking straight into a door reading "Casey Vorpid - Private Investigator." The camera feed cuts to the office, where Mike C is sat down across from a man who looks like perennial EUWC jobber Casey Torpid, only with glasses and a bushy beard.]

Vorpid: Well Mr. C, I have the report back for you.

Mike C: Good, good, so what do we know?

Vorpid: Well, this Hida Yakamo is a professional wrestler...

Mike C: Yes.

Vorpid: From Japan...

Mike C: Yes.

Vorpid: And apparently he's due to fight you in the next round of the Dupree Cup.

Mike C: ...Is that it?

Vorpid: It's all I could find. Is there a problem?

Mike C: Why the hell didn't you get information about his background?!

Vorpid: I did...he's Japanese.

Mike C: I mean like any old injuries, where he trained, anything I should look out for.

Vorpid: Oh no I'm quite sure digging up information like that would be bordering on being illegal.

Mike C: Well duh! You're a private detective, you're supposed to be lax on the old morals! Damn that's the worst $50 I ever wasted.

[Mike C gets up from his seat. Vorpid goes to shake his hand but Mike C ignores it and exits the office. We cut back to the street feed a few seconds later and Mike C continues to stroll down the pavement.]

Mike C: Well Hida, at least I can say we go into the match on a level playing field, with nothing more than our natural ability to decipher who'll come out on top. You can fly about the ring like the red baron, you can use every intricate hold in the book, but I bring with me brutality, experience, endurance...and maybe my old friend the house brick. Oh, and as for the nature of the moniker "classy", let's just say after your premature death jibe about Angel of Death could have found a more tasteful environment than this tournament. There will be one man with class in the ring however when we meet, and that my friend will be the referee. Good luck Hida, and hopefully good riddance.

[The camera stops and watched Mike C walk into the distance before fading to black.]

 

[Hida Yakamo]

Like Birds of a feather, like two peas in a pod, etc., etc.

(Hida +MBE Logo = Setting)

Well, well, well, Classy Mike C.

A little birdie told me you were the talent of your little organization, and you seem to have proved the little avian right. I mean, given the competition, it's not something I'd go around bragging about, but I suppose it is nice to have something in life you can call your own.

"Not as imbecillic as the rest of EUWC"

Maybe I can convince Chapel to put that on your participation certificate, since that's all you and your cronies will be walking out of here with, but I think you deserve that little token of my esteem, at least. And after I hold the Dupree Cup aloft and help Chapel shatter attendance records, TV ratings, and pretty much just put his podunk little organization on the map, I'm sure he will be just swelling with gratitude towards the Asian Wonder, and will grant me that one small favor.

But, "Caucasian Thunder," (as an aside, the merchandising possibilites there are endless, especially in Montana, Idaho and Wildwood, New Jersey, wrestling hotbeds all) don't mistake my little favor to you as anything more than a bit of pity for having drawn the short straw as being the best EUWC has to offer. I mean, if you were merely mediocre like Mr. Smash, or functionally retarded like Angel of Death, you would have been matched up with Spoiler, or Whitenoise and Red. Now granted, the end result would be the same, but the whole process would have been a lot more pleasant all around. But being the best of the special people means you get a date with The Asian Wonder.

But trust me, this one won't end with you getting a handjob in the back seat of your Buick from some skank in leather pants and a cowboy hat. I'm just guessing on your personal, no doubt classy, predillictions, so feel free to call slander if I am even a wee bit off. No, this one will end up with you on your back, but not in the fun way, more in the, my life is flashing before my eyes, wow I really should have told Cowboy Hat girl that I loved her, and probably should have told her that I had the clap, sort of way.

To spell it out for you (and for the rest of EUWC, okay, mostly for them) you will lose and it will be painful. You will question the life choices that brought you here, you will promise to make amends with your loved ones and make that trip out to (insert big sporting event of your choice) this year, cause well, we don't live forever, now do we? And now you'll be living a little shorter than you planned, and quite possibly with an artificial hip.

Yes, you'll no doubt bring the brutality, the carnage, that incredible pain tolerance I am sure you have, that unwillingness to tap out, that unreal stamina mixed with a little technical no-how.

And, yes, even a house brick.

You know, for someone with the moniker 'Classy,' you'd think you could have at least sprung for, I don't know, say a cricket bat or something.

And I'll bring my uncanny flying ability and technical supremacy (You sure you didn't do any research? Seriously now? You were just guessing?), and quite frankly, I will take my chances.

Maybe you will shock the world, maybe you will pull the upset. Maybe you will end wrestling as we know it with a display of grappling amazement unseen since Sumerian times.

But frankly, I would have spent that 50 bucks on about a dozen more house bricks.

Cause you'll need everyone of them if you want to take down the Asian Wonder.