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Mad Dog

Original Gangsta
Jan 1, 2000
(FADEIN to the Worlds of Fun Theme Park in Kansas City. A big purple 1985 Cadillac Deville rolls into the parking lot. The tinted windows are slightly cracked allowing a small amount of smoke to flow out of the car. The song “Hot In Herre” by Nelly can be made out, although difficult due to the hard pounding bass and trunk rattling. The car parks and two familiar faces step out, Boogie Smallz and Inferno Ice, collectively known as the Hip Hop Express. A cloud emerges from the Caddy as the doors swing open.

Inferno is wearing an airbrushed visor upside down with the name “Inferno” on it, a Fubu Platinum Fat Albert jean shorts outfit, and has the Hip Hop Express logo platinum medallion on a chain around his neck. Boogie has his hair in corn rolls and is wearing a Rocawear jean outfit. He has what appears to be a blunt, dangling from his lips.)

INFERNO: Yo playa, what we doin’ here? Is this one of those public relations things the CSWA set us up with?

BOOGIE: Yeah, you know how those suits can be…especially to us. I guess we push the envelope too much and Merritt can’t stand us…so he sends us here to try and strum up business.

INFERNO: They need all they can get. When you have the main event advertised as Shamon versus Aho…you know the business is in trouble.

(The two men walk towards the park. The scene fades out…and fades back in to the Hip Hop Express signing autographs at a card table. Inferno is looking at his watch every few seconds, anxious to leave, in between signings. Boogie, still in a good mood from his drive to the park, is suddenly upset when he sees a teenager in line wearing a Men of Adventure t-shirt and has an old copy of a CSWA Magazine from 1997, with the Disco Express on the cover. The kid walks up to the table and Boogie gives him a mean look.)

MOA FAN: Can you guys sign my CSWA Magazine? You 2 were my favorite tag team until you dropped the Disco gimmick and went missing for almost a year. And that little midget that was your manager…the one that was drunk all the time…he was a riot. You guys gonna bring him back soon?

BOOGIE: Look kid, I can’t tell whether you are trying to compliment or insult us. You come up here, say at one time we WERE your favorites, bring up our old gimmick, the drunk midget, and you have the balls to do this ALL while wearing a Men of Adventure t-shirt? (Turns and looks at Inferno, who has a smile on his face, enjoying Boogie’s comments.) First of all, how many tag team titles have those cats won? How long has their team even been around? I mean, anyone can watch old episodes of Kids In The Hall and get an inspiration for their gimmick. Hell, what’s next…Massive Headwound Harry or the Flying Pig that entertains people while they stand in lines at ATMs?

INFERNO: (Interrupting Boogie…) What the hell are you talking about?

BOOGIE: (Turns to the kid.) Just get out of here. I’m not gonna sign anything for a straight up HATER! Next thing I know you are auctioning off Hip Hop Express memorabilia on Ebay…and I ain’t havin’ it!

(The kid leaves and tosses the magazine in the trash.)

INFERNO: Will you answer my question? What was with that Flying Pig stuff?

BOOGIE: Nevermind that. We got 15 minutes left for signings.

INFERNO: Cool, I got an idea for when this is over.

(The scene fades out…and fades back in at the Old Time Portrait Studio, located within the park. This is where several people dress up in cowboy or Civil War type clothes and take a black and white photo. The Hip Hop Express walk out the front door wearing trapper regalia - leather tunics fringed with straps and coonskin caps, the exact thing the Men of Adventure wear.)

INFERNO: (Speaking in a voice similar to Benjamin “Big Tom” Remus.) HO! HO! Look at these prancing ballerinas…this place is filled with nothing but sissified boyish fems. HO! HO!

BOOGIE: Man, I ain’t gonna do this. I am wearing this ridiculous gear, but I am not gonna impersonate those suckas.

INFERNO: (In his normal voice.) Come on man, this will get under their skin and drive them up the wall.

BOOGIE: Whatever man, I’ll do what I can…don’t expect an Academy Award winning performance or anything.

INFERNO: (Back to impersonating Big Tom.) HO! HO! What does that appear to be in the horizon? (Places hand above his eyes, to block the sun.) I believe that is the home of the most feared creatures this side of the Western Hemisphere.

BOOGIE: Aren’t we in the Western Hemisphere?

INFERNO: Shut up, you’re ruining the moment. I am trying to find the character motivation…give me a minute. (Back as Big Tom.) Ahh hah…just as I suspected. (Kneels down on the ground and picks up a blade of grass. He sniffs it and points.) They went that way. Hurry…follow me!

(The Hip Hop Express walk among the crowd and make their way to a fenced in area. A sign hangs above their heads reading “Snoopy & Woodstock’s Petting Zoo”. )

INFERNO: (Speaking as Big Tom.) If my calculations are precise, those varmints should be close by.

(Inferno tip-toes through the gate, while Boogie just walks through. Several goats and sheep are mulling around.)

BOOGIE: SON OF A B(BLEEP)! Man, I just stepped in some s(BLEEP)!

INFERNO: (Still as Big Tom.) That’s not just any feces, my friend…that there is a MOA DROPPING! (Lifts up Boogie’s shoe to inspect it.) Yeah, they’ve been here alright…(Sniffs the bottom of his shoe.) and it’s fresh. They must be nearby.

(Boogie sits down on a bench and takes his shoe off. He grabs a twig off the ground and attempts to get the substance off. Inferno leaves him behind and opens up a stall door, revealing a cardboard cutout of the Men of Adventure, with a look of shock and horror on their faces. “Iron” John’s cardboard foot is in a steel trap.)

INFERNO: HO! HO! I knew my plan would work! (In his normal voice.) Boogie, get over here!

(Boogie shakes his head and puts his shoe back on. He walks over to the stall and looks a little disappointed at Inferno.)

INFERNO: It looks like “Iron” John was trying to chew his foot off. (Smiles)

BOOGIE: Can we end this crap, because I feel like a damn fool in these clothes! (Takes off the coonskin cap and tunics.) Men of Adventure, I prefer the trash talking, myself, however my partner had a different vision. (Turns to Inferno and shakes his head.) You two have been making a name for yourself and that’s great. But what you don’t understand is…we OWN the tag team division and there has never…NEVER been a team as dominate as us! You want to run around on your blue screens…cool, you want to stage a match using CGI…do what you gotta do, but this challenge that is in front of you…your first REAL ADVENTURE in the CSWA, its one that does EXIST…that does FIGHT BACK and that will NO DOUBT whip y’alls asses at On Time! You two ain’t nothin’ but a couple of CRAZY CRACKAS! You futhamuckas are gonna realize soon enough…we came back to run things ONCE AGAIN. You two wanna run around acting like Lewis & Clark, fine…cuz I got your Sack of JaWEEDha right the f(BLLEP) here! (Pulls out a ziplock baggie with some herbal contents and smells it.) I’m livin’ that HIGH LIFE!

INFERNO: Now can we do that part with our hands on our hips as we point our faces up and laugh uncontrollably?

BOOGIE: Do yo’ thing…I’m gonna go roll this up.

(Boogie walks off and Inferno mocks the Men of Adventures overdramatic laugh. FADE TO BLACK)

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