(We fade up on an NAPW banner hanging behind a chair. A man walks in front of the camera, but we can only see him from the neck down. He's wearing a black slacks and a black dress shirt underneath a forest green sports jacket. Another man in blue jeans enters, who attaches a lapel microphone to the first man's shirt.)
OFFSCREEN VOICE: All right, Mr. Roberts, if you'll just test your mic for us, we can be underway.
KYLE ROBERTS: Check one. Check one. Am I on?
OFFSCREEN VOICE: You're fine, Kyle.
KYLE ROBERTS: Awesome. Can we start this interview? I've got dinner reservations with the little lady at 7 pm sharp.
OFFSCREEN VOICE: By all means. Please sit down in that chair and we'll get started.
(Kyle sits down in the chair, and you finally see the face of one of NAPW's biggest stars. Kyle's got half-inch-long hair standing up with some hair product, a subtle five-o'clock shadow, and green-tinted Tag Heuer sunglasses. He flashes a smile at the camera.)
KYLE ROBERTS: (directly to the camera) How's it going?
OFFSCREEN VOICE: Whenever you're ready, Kyle. This is intended to be an introductory interview for those that don't know you so well. TEAM audiences already know D! and Ravager from previous events, but you, Rex and Patrick are wild cards in the eyes of people who don't watch NAPW programming.
KYLE ROBERTS: Well, they should. What other federations come anywhere close to New Alberta Pro? Not any of the two-bit feds we're facing. NAPW's the Northwest Coast's hidden treasure. Who's got D!, the TEAM Champion of Champions, under contract? Who's got the New and Improved D-X, the four-time NAPW tag-team champs? (Kyle chuckles) The New and Improved Degeneration-X, voted tag team of the half year by ENN Magazine. The most dominant tag team on the West Coast! Rex Caliber, the former indy freelancer who busts heads all around! Caliber, the 245 pound ****hammer of destruction! Patrick Bickle, the most disturbed wrestler you'll ever meet; a man so focused, so obsessed, he'll make sure to destroy himself just to hurt you even more. NAPW is THE federation to beat, and that's something that Harold A. Lameass and the big galoot Chaos will see firsthand.
OFFSCREEN VOICE: What are your feelings on Ravager, your tag team partner against HAL and Chaos, the tag team that New Era is sending against you?
KYLE ROBERTS: My feelings on Bob Ravager? I think it's pretty plain to everyone that Bobby and I are not friends. We're not even friendly acquaintances. Granted, I think he's a seventh-rate version of the devil, but he gets things done. I can't hold that against him. He knows what he wants, and he tries his best to take it. But Chaos was right: I DON'T trust Ravager. Outside of the ring, the only thing I can count on is that Ravager's going to screw me at any opportunity he gets. In fact, I think he teamed us up just so he'd be able to screw with my mind. The mere fact that I have to team up with him gives me a serious case of jeebies.
But INSIDE the ring? I can count on Ravager to do anything in his power to win matches. The guy's a right bastard, I'll admit it. But he goes into ring with one thing on his mind: Victory over his opponent. And regardless of how I feel about Bob Ravager, that's something I can get behind. A win over HALitosis and his big yeti of a partner. Because as good as they might be in their federation, I can guarantee you that I've had more exciting matches in NAPW. Because I am one of the most charismatic wrestlers you will EVER face off against, and I've got more wrestling talent than the people who end up putting themselves through tables to get a pop. However, if Chaos is interested, I can introduced him to Tommy Deathrow and Krusty Kid Paul. I'm sure they'd get along swimmingly.
OFFSCREEN VOICE: Is there anything you'd like to say to your opponents from New Era?
KYLE ROBERTS: Why? So they can pause the tape they'll make of this interview, looking for areas of weakness? You guys want a break? Okay, here it is. Listen carefully.
(Kyle leans over in his chair and whispers.)
I'm horrible against flash pins.
There. You now know something about me. But here's a news flash for ya: This is a tag team match, boys. MY solo weaknesses mean jack squat. What weaknesses you think you can exploit in Kyle Roberts are not those you can exploit in Ravager. While I don't know much about you jerk-offs, you two don't really seem to be much in the way of team wrestlers. You're in this whole Dupree Cup to make yourselves look good, to raise your esteem in the eyes of those fans. Have you two ever teamed up before? Have you two ever faced off before?
Bob Ravager and I have done both. I've faced off against him in matches, both of which I have won, by the way, and he's been a reluctant partner to Bruce Richards and I in some six-man pairups. Guess what? We won those too. Because regardless of my feelings towards my partner against you chumps, I am a team player. You don't become one of the top tag teams in the wrestling business by looking out for yourself. You do it by playing well with others.
Ravager is one of those guys who OBSESSES over his opponents. He's got contingency plans for every NAPW wrestler, even if they're on his side. Because one of these days, he MIGHT have to face off against them. I've been to his apartment. The guy's a hair away from having the police arrest him on charges of stalking. Because he wants to win THAT much. We don't get along, it's true. But I know that Ravager has a file on me, and he'll use his knowledge of me to be a good tag team partner. Sure, he's no Bruce Richards, and he's not the kind of guy I hang out with on a regular basis. He might tell you "Yeah, Kyle and I have watched movies together," but that's because the guy's psycho enough to sit right beside me when I'm on a date with my girlfriend Amy. Rav's a total buzzkill that way.
So I'll be seeing you two losers in the ring next week at- At... (Kyle looks offscreen towards his interviewer.) Where is this match taking place?
OFFSCREEN VOICE: You know, I'm not sure. TEAM hasn't told us that yet.
KYLE ROBERTS: That's just awesome. Look, you know what? It doesn't matter. I'll beat them in New York. I'll beat them in Chicago. I'll beat them in Houston. I'll beat them in California. Hell, if they're willing, I'll beat them in Truth and Consequences, New Mexico! Cincinnati! Belgium! It just doesn't matter where we meet, because HAL and Chaos will be getting their asses HANDED to them by Kyle Roberts and the freak known as Ravager!
(Kyle slumps back into his chair.)
Now if you'll excuse me, I've got a date with my girlfriend.
(Kyle takes off his mic and walks offscreen, leaving the NAPW banner in full frame of the camera as we fade to black.)