Edible words seminar
(FADE IN..... a classroom setting where we see a figure with his back to us. He's wearing a graduates black cap and gown and is writing on the blackboard. Whether he is oblivious to our presence or whether he simply chooses to ignore us will never be known. He stops momentarily to erase part of the board, then resumes writing. After he finishes, he steps back a few steps and admires his work with a nod of his head. On one side we see a graph with the names Maelstrom and Lars Magellan written in vertical fashion on the left, and above the graph are the following columns: Redundancy, Ignorance, Rationalizations, Contradictions and Pettiness. Above the blackboard is a huge clock with the words "countdown to an ass-kicking" printed on the face. The hands are currently pointing at 11 o'clock. Apparently satisfied with his work, the figure turns around and the camera begins slowly panning from the ground up, revealing construction boots, loose-fitting jeans with the black gown wide open displaying chiseled stomach muscles and a barrel-chest before it finally moves up to reveal the cynical smile on the face of the man known simply as......)
MAELSTROM: Ah, welcome to my "edible-words" seminar, where we tear down an opponents facade, proving once and for all that he's full of S(BLEEP)T, and then prepare his appetite for the empty, hollow promises he's about to eat.
(claps his hands loudly together and immediately a large cloud of chalk dust erupts in front of him. He steps back, squinting his eyes as he does so and waits for the dust to evaporate. When it does, he smiles and tosses the tassel hanging limply from the graduate caps side over to the opposite side and resumes speaking.....)
MAELSTROM: Today we'll be addressing a recent rant from one Lars Magellan, and before ya ask..... NO! There's no relation to the explorer Ferdinand. That Ferdinand guy was and IS a legend while this Lars character...... well, he's a legend ONLY in his own mind, if ya know what I mean.
(gives the A-OK sign as he gives a mock wink then reaches over and picks up a pointer)
MAELSTROM: Okay, so for now, I don't need to go into specifics of Lars latest rant because to be perfectly honest, it's really not much different from his previous mic spots. Which brings us to comparison point number one on the checklist.
(directs the pointer at the column titled Redundancy)
MAELSTROM: We have just established that Lars has "consistently" spoken in a redundant manner throughout each and every one of his mic spots soooooooo......
(walks over and places a check mark underneath the "Redundancy column" by Lars name)
MAELSTROM: While forcing ourselves to listen to this highly-opinionated jibberish, we saw that Lars has YET AGAIN contradicted himself.
(walks toward the other side of the blackboard and pulls down the slide-show screen. He then motions to someone offstage and immediately the slide-show screen comes alive with footage of Lars Magellan mentioning that Maelstrom was "a pretty good playa" and one of only two men in the NWL who made the cards bareable. Seconds later we see footage of another mic spot where Lars is claiming Maelstrom is a loser who bores the fans. Maelstrom comically raises an eyebrow and feigns a look of shock as he points to Lars image on the screen with his pointer.....)
MAELSTROM: As we can plainly see here, Lars clearly has ambivilant feelings regarding yours truly. (Suddenly pauses) Did I say "Yours Truly"? Hmmm, well Mr. Yours Truly, if you're out there watching as well, you'd best pay attention 'cuz sooner or later you're gonna have to reveal yourself and when you do, you're TRULY gonna regret it! Anyhow, back to you Lars..... what's the matter, can't make up yer mind one way or the other? Or is it simply that you're too inept at forming interesting, intelligent dialogue? Well, that undoubtedly brings us to comparison point number two on the checklist. Contradictions! Unwittingly, ya just proved my point of just how clueless ya really are! Needless to say, that merits yet another check mark for ya Lars? IT DOESN'T END THERE!! NO!! NOT BY A LONG SHOT! 'Cuz Lars, for lack of anythin' intelligent to say has now resorted to the skillful art of pre-school name mocking!!
(slaps the pointer down against the words on the screen which read.....)
MAELSTROM: Male Boy, Strommy, Mailman, She-Malestrom?! C'mon on now Lars. Ya done gone and shattered my image of ya! Just when I thought ya couldn't be any more pettier, ya do a thing like this! Ya know what that means now dontcha?
(grins mischievously as he checks off the Pettiness column next to Lars name)
MAELSTROM: Hmmm..... Looks like ya might have a clean sweep here Lars. Anyhows, moving right along, we go next to the Ignorance column. Now Lars, why ya felt the need to put YOUR biassed views over that of the entire wrestling industry simply because they did not include you or even mention you not even once, is really beyond the confines of true ignorance!
(walks over and places a check mark in the ignorance column next to Lars name)
MAELSTROM: Which coincidentally brings us to our final category Lars. RATIONALIZATION!
(walks over to the slide-show screen and pulls it down slightly then releases it. It snaps back up loudly with finality. He then turns, faces us again, raises a finger to his lips and does a sssshhhhing sound as he looks right, then left before resuming in whispering tones......)
MAELSTROM: (whispering) now we all know that between you and me, yer the ONLY one who has made excuses, who has tried to downplay, who has..... (BEGINS YELLING) TRIED TO RATIONALIZE HIS LOSSES!!!
(falls silent and gives a sheepish grin)
MAELSTROM: So of course ya know what that means now dontcha Lars?
(walks over and checks off the final column by Lars name and stands back to study the graph. With a smile on his face, he resumes speaking.....)
MAELSTROM: So in conclusion, it would seem that the traits we’ve just proven you have, (glances at the graph) add validity to the fact that it’s YOU who’s living the LIE in yer own custom-made fantasy world.... but it’s cool, there’s still hope for you yet, ‘cuz when we meet, I’m gonna school ya in the painful art of ..... REALITY!
(without saying another word, Maelstrom takes the graduates cap off his head and flings it directly at the camera. Maelstrom’s image is momentarily obscured from our view as the cap strikes the camera’s lens. That only lasts for a split-second, but when we get the image back, Maelstrom is gone and we find ourselves staring at the clock above the blackboard which sorta glares back at us, with its face defiantly displaying it's count-down to an asskicking message as the hands move omininously closer to the twelfth hour.... FADE OUT......)