Damien
Member
- Joined
- Apr 6, 2012
- Messages
- 515
- Points
- 16
[It’s that time again folks!]
[Everybody’s favourite Defiance show, behind Evolution, Heritage, and Eric Dane’s Unicorn Rainbow Hour of Puppies, Sunshine, and Hugs.]
[POINTS WITH THE PROFESSOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Featuring Mikael Lundgard.]
Voice:
*****, put my name in there properly.
[POINTS WITH THE PROFESSOR FEATURING MIKAEL LUNDGARD!]
Voice:
That’s better.
[Cue this week’s music.]
[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[Timeless by Graveworm]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]
Voice:
It’s been awhile since I heard that.
[Fade in on the familiar sight... scratch that.]
[We’ve got a new set mother****ers!]
[Sports Center style desk with gadgets and gizmos galore garnish the (thesaurus word for desk beginning with G), sitting behind it are two men, one very familiar with his center parted grey hair, labcoat and clipboard, the other a complete stranger.]
[His receding hairline is the first thing anyone notices about him, and what hair he has left is scraped back into a medium length ponytail. He’s wearing a suit and a smile, because he’s got to make a good first impression.]
The Professor:
Good evening Ladles and Jelly Beans, my name, as you’ll all know by now, is Alexander Noble, and seated to my right...
Mikael Lundgard:
Is Mikael Lundgard. The greatest Danish wrestler to have ever lived.
Professor:
Danish wrestler? How do you wrestle a pastry?
Lundgard:
Danish as in from Denmark, not the foodstuff you moron.
[Mikael looks off to the side of the camera and widens his eyes as if to say ‘Is he retarded?’]
Professor:
I like Vanilla Crowns best.
Lundgard:
And I like to talk about wrestling, so if you don’t mind.
[Mikael reaches forwards and hits a button. From behind them a white screen rises, coming to a stop just as the bottom passes their shoulders. A bright light shines from behind the screen, projecting the first score table.
Lundgard:
You could at least put the buttons closer so I don’t have to reach over the other side of the desk.
[Evolution:]
Lundgard: [confused]
This table, it means nothing to me.
Professor:
Then allow me to show you why I’m here.
Lundgard:
This should be good.
Professor:
Still heading the table is Alceo Dentari, who seems to be on one heck of a roll. Not only did he narrowly miss out on the briefcase full of points in the TLC match, but he managed to break Kevin Cage’s streak this week, albeit in a typically underhanded manner, and scoops up 6 points.
Lundgard:
Does that matter though? All that counts is that he’s walked out with another win against his name.
Professor:
Meanwhile Dentari’s partner in crime, Yoshikazu YAZ, has moved his way up into second place with his win over Pete Whealdon.
Lundgard:
I understand Whealdon has been involved in a tournament of some description recently. Maybe a little bit of burnout accounted for his coming up short this week.
Professor:
It’s possible, but I’d expect the Suite Dolphin to have suffered more from the nights of rampant intercourse that comes with moving into the second round of the ULTRATITLE.
Lundgard: [Impressed]
Sounds like a good reward.
Professor:
It’s not an official one though.
Lundgard: [Disappointed]
Shame.
Professor:
You know what is a shame? Kevin Cage slips down a place as he’s over taken by YAZ, and Dan Ryan moves up to fourth after his victory against number five man, Jonny Booya.
Lundgard:
What’s a shame about it? Jonny Booya can’t expect just showing up in the ring to be enough to win a match, can he?
Professor:
Especially not against Dan Ryan. He was always going to be looking for the win after his disappointing Ultratitle loss to Cobra of all people.
Lundgard:
You know who did impress me this week? Niklas Kiri. I recognise that name.
Professor:
Of course you do, Kiri came in this week with one hell of a debut performance and came out on top of former joint league leader, Jack Bryant.
Lundgard:
Ahhh yes, I remember, he beat the crap out of Bryan afterwards as well.
Professor:
Ahem, BryanT. But yes, Kiri almost removed JB’s head after the match, and he probably would have done if it weren’t for Mike Sloan.
Lundgard:
The guy that lost to Dragon Jones The First?
Professor:
The very same. Jones moves above Sloan with that win, to remain in eighth place. Sloan drops to ninth, but you’ve got to believe that if he’s willing to stand up to a rampaging Kiri, he’s going to stand up to anyone.
Lundgard:
Sloan’s only propped off the bottom by two newish guys that can’t buy a win. What hope does he have against Niklas Kiri?
Professor:
We’ll have to wait and see.
Lundgard:
I hate waiting.
Professor:
Well we could always use my magical machine of prediction.
[The Professor leans forwards and picks up a small machine slowly puffing tiny amounts of smoke intermittently.]
Lundgard:
If that thing turns on, I will break you.
[Gingerly The Professor places the item back from whence it came.]
Professor:
Ok, Mr. Happy, how about we turn to Heritage instead?
Lundgard:
There’s another table?
Professor:
Yes indeedy!
[The Professor reaches forwards and hits another button. The projected image behind them changes to display the Heritage points table following Show 5.]
[Heritage League]
Professor:
Claira St. Sure! Can anybody stop this girl?
Lundgard:
It would appear not, Xander.
Professor:
Never call me ‘Xander’.
Lundgard:
Afraid I can’t do that, Xander.
Professor:
Fine, as I was saying, Claira St. Sure extended her lead atop the points table as she picks up her sixth straight win, and collects on the streak breaker hanging over Eugene’s head, something that the fools over on Heritage seemed to have forgotten about last week.
Lundgard:
And you can talk. Isn’t your inability to track the points effectively enough with all these toys the reason I’m here helping?
Professor:
That’s besides the point.
Lundgard:
One thing that needs to be mentioned though, the longer St. Sure’s win streak goes on for, the more points she’s going to be worth to someone when she’s eventually knocked off that perch of hers.
Professor:
And if she’s not knocked off?
Lundgard:
Then more power to her.
Professor:
Christian Light managed to pick up seven points this week following a victory over Cancer Jiles, made all the more sweet by the fact that moments earlier Jiles thought he’d been the one to scoop those points before Jeff Andrews came out to restart the match.
Lundgard:
I’ve had my share of matches restarted over the years, and the only advice I can offer to Cancer is this: Never forget that your opponent is recovering somewhere. Jiles fell into the trap we’ve all been in, he let his guard down and he got screwed over.
Professor:
But justice was served by Andrews after Jiles tried to steal the points for himself.
Lundgard:
Don’t confuse justice with revenge. Do you think Andrews would have been out there so quick if... I dunno, pick a name at random... Jan Gin Xiao had his feet on the ropes?
Professor:
I do, and speaking of JGX, he moves up into third place following his win over Jack Cassidy, Leapfrogging Eugene Dewey, who stays put on 23 following his loss to Claira St. Sure.
Lundgard:
Cassidy never stood a chance against the big man. And no way was he ever going to slam him.
Professor:
I wouldn’t put it past anyone. JGX is big man, but I’ve seen bigger slammed before. I’d imagine a lot of guys in Defiance could summon the strength to do it for five bonus points.
Lundgard:
And if there’s one guy that knows about Bonus points...
Professor:
You totally stole my line.
Lundgard:
I know, I thought I’d do it as it sounded cool.
Professor:
Cancer Jiles stays put this week having been unable to eek any bonus points from any loopholes he may be able to find.
Lundgard:
I like Jiles.
Professor:
I’m not surprised. Following Jiles you’ve got Jack Cassidy, staying put this week, and then Nakita Dubov, who picks up her first lot of points since week one with a victory over Michel LaLiberte who seems to have stalled since his initial points breakout at the start of the season.
Lundgard:
I’m surprised you are able to find anything good to say about these bottom feeders.
Professor:
Not everyone at the bottom of the table is there because they’re incompetent boobs, Mikael, and to prove my point, next on the list is Diamond Shazam.
Lundgard:
He may not be a boob, but he certainly looks like a tit.
Professor:
Be that as it may, Shazam picks up his first win with a victory over Vagabond to take him on his way up the table.
Lundgard:
And I think I read somewhere that he’s taken Vagabond out of Defiance.
Professor:
Yes, that may be the case, we’ll know more by next week, but for now it certainly seems we’ve seen the first and last of Vagabond for the time being.
Lundgard:
What a shame.
Professor:
You don’t mean that.
Lundgard:
No, I don’t, you’re right.
Professor:
Well, that’s all we’ve got for the points this week.
Lundgard:
Well that wasn’t so bad. See you all next time!
Professor:
Whoa there, Cowboy, we’re not done yet! The points may have been tallied, but we’ve still got the prestigious* ‘Noble Points Prize’ to award!
Lundgard:
Audible Sigh.
Professor:
We’ve kept the randomizer!
Lundgard:
Whoopdedoo.
Professor:
So let’s RANDOMIZE!
Lundgard:
I guess it’s better than Sodomize.
Randomizer:
OUTPUT ERROR 2932
Professor:
What?
Randomizer:
Bleep bleep bloop.
Professor:
That can’t be.
Randomizer:
Beeeeeeeeeeep beboop
Professor:
What do you mean your database is over two months out of date?
Randomizer:
Bleep beep boop.
Lundgard:
What the **** went wrong in my career?
Professor:
You can’t pick a winner this week because there are too many people we’ve spoken about not in your database?
Randomizer:
DING!
Lundgard:
Shut the **** up! This week’s winner is Claira St. Sure, there, happy? Claira won the most points, Claira stays top, Claira extends her lead, Claira looks like the sexiest half unwrapped candy bar in the world. Claira wins, OK!?
Professor:
Works for me.
Randomizer:
Beep boop.
Lundgard:
Now can we please end this madness!
Professor:
Madness?
THIS!
IS!
Lundgard:
**** off!
Professor:
Aww, you ruined it.
[Everybody’s favourite Defiance show, behind Evolution, Heritage, and Eric Dane’s Unicorn Rainbow Hour of Puppies, Sunshine, and Hugs.]
[POINTS WITH THE PROFESSOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Featuring Mikael Lundgard.]
Voice:
*****, put my name in there properly.
[POINTS WITH THE PROFESSOR FEATURING MIKAEL LUNDGARD!]
Voice:
That’s better.
[Cue this week’s music.]
[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[Timeless by Graveworm]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]
Voice:
It’s been awhile since I heard that.
[Fade in on the familiar sight... scratch that.]
[We’ve got a new set mother****ers!]
[Sports Center style desk with gadgets and gizmos galore garnish the (thesaurus word for desk beginning with G), sitting behind it are two men, one very familiar with his center parted grey hair, labcoat and clipboard, the other a complete stranger.]
[His receding hairline is the first thing anyone notices about him, and what hair he has left is scraped back into a medium length ponytail. He’s wearing a suit and a smile, because he’s got to make a good first impression.]
The Professor:
Good evening Ladles and Jelly Beans, my name, as you’ll all know by now, is Alexander Noble, and seated to my right...
Mikael Lundgard:
Is Mikael Lundgard. The greatest Danish wrestler to have ever lived.
Professor:
Danish wrestler? How do you wrestle a pastry?
Lundgard:
Danish as in from Denmark, not the foodstuff you moron.
[Mikael looks off to the side of the camera and widens his eyes as if to say ‘Is he retarded?’]
Professor:
I like Vanilla Crowns best.
Lundgard:
And I like to talk about wrestling, so if you don’t mind.
[Mikael reaches forwards and hits a button. From behind them a white screen rises, coming to a stop just as the bottom passes their shoulders. A bright light shines from behind the screen, projecting the first score table.
Lundgard:
You could at least put the buttons closer so I don’t have to reach over the other side of the desk.
[Evolution:]
Rank | Name | Points Total | Points This Week | W | L | D | Matches | Interleague Record | Streak | Last 5 Results | |||||||||||
1. | Alceo Dentari | 21 | +5 | 4 | 2 | 0 | 6 | 0-1 | 2W | W L W L W | |||||||||||
2. | Yoshikazu YAZ | 18 | +6 | 3 | 3 | 0 | 6 | 1-0 | 3W | L W L W W | |||||||||||
3. | Kevin Cage | 16 | 0 | 3 | 3 | 0 | 6 | 0-1 | 1L | W W L L L | |||||||||||
4. | Dan Ryan | 15 | +5 | 3 | 3 | 0 | 6 | 0-1 | 2W | W L W L W | |||||||||||
5. | Jonny Booya | 15 | 0 | 3 | 3 | 0 | 6 | 1-0 | 1L | W L L W L | |||||||||||
6. | Jack Bryant | 11 | -5 | 3 | 1 | 0 | 4 | 0-1 | 1L | - W W W L | |||||||||||
7. | Niklas Kiri | 10 | +10 | 1 | 0 | 0 | 1 | 0-0 | 1W | - - - - W | |||||||||||
8. | Dragon Jones | 5 | +5 | 2 | 2 | 1 | 5 | 0-0 | 2W | D L W L W | |||||||||||
9. | Mike Sloan | 3 | 0 | 0 | 5 | 0 | 5 | 0-0 | 3L | L L L L L | |||||||||||
10. | Pete Whealdon | 0 | 0 | 0 | 2 | 0 | 2 | 0-0 | 1L | - - - L L | |||||||||||
11. | Johnny Hotrod | 0 | 0 | 0 | 2 | 0 | 2 | 0-0 | 2L | - - - L L |
Lundgard: [confused]
This table, it means nothing to me.
Professor:
Then allow me to show you why I’m here.
Lundgard:
This should be good.
Professor:
Still heading the table is Alceo Dentari, who seems to be on one heck of a roll. Not only did he narrowly miss out on the briefcase full of points in the TLC match, but he managed to break Kevin Cage’s streak this week, albeit in a typically underhanded manner, and scoops up 6 points.
Lundgard:
Does that matter though? All that counts is that he’s walked out with another win against his name.
Professor:
Meanwhile Dentari’s partner in crime, Yoshikazu YAZ, has moved his way up into second place with his win over Pete Whealdon.
Lundgard:
I understand Whealdon has been involved in a tournament of some description recently. Maybe a little bit of burnout accounted for his coming up short this week.
Professor:
It’s possible, but I’d expect the Suite Dolphin to have suffered more from the nights of rampant intercourse that comes with moving into the second round of the ULTRATITLE.
Lundgard: [Impressed]
Sounds like a good reward.
Professor:
It’s not an official one though.
Lundgard: [Disappointed]
Shame.
Professor:
You know what is a shame? Kevin Cage slips down a place as he’s over taken by YAZ, and Dan Ryan moves up to fourth after his victory against number five man, Jonny Booya.
Lundgard:
What’s a shame about it? Jonny Booya can’t expect just showing up in the ring to be enough to win a match, can he?
Professor:
Especially not against Dan Ryan. He was always going to be looking for the win after his disappointing Ultratitle loss to Cobra of all people.
Lundgard:
You know who did impress me this week? Niklas Kiri. I recognise that name.
Professor:
Of course you do, Kiri came in this week with one hell of a debut performance and came out on top of former joint league leader, Jack Bryant.
Lundgard:
Ahhh yes, I remember, he beat the crap out of Bryan afterwards as well.
Professor:
Ahem, BryanT. But yes, Kiri almost removed JB’s head after the match, and he probably would have done if it weren’t for Mike Sloan.
Lundgard:
The guy that lost to Dragon Jones The First?
Professor:
The very same. Jones moves above Sloan with that win, to remain in eighth place. Sloan drops to ninth, but you’ve got to believe that if he’s willing to stand up to a rampaging Kiri, he’s going to stand up to anyone.
Lundgard:
Sloan’s only propped off the bottom by two newish guys that can’t buy a win. What hope does he have against Niklas Kiri?
Professor:
We’ll have to wait and see.
Lundgard:
I hate waiting.
Professor:
Well we could always use my magical machine of prediction.
[The Professor leans forwards and picks up a small machine slowly puffing tiny amounts of smoke intermittently.]
Lundgard:
If that thing turns on, I will break you.
[Gingerly The Professor places the item back from whence it came.]
Professor:
Ok, Mr. Happy, how about we turn to Heritage instead?
Lundgard:
There’s another table?
Professor:
Yes indeedy!
[The Professor reaches forwards and hits another button. The projected image behind them changes to display the Heritage points table following Show 5.]
[Heritage League]
| Rank | Name | Points Total | Points This Week | W | L | D | Matches | Interleague Record | Streak | Last 5 Results | |||||||||||
1. | Claira St. Sure | 43 | +10 | 6 | 0 | 0 | 6 | 1-0 | 6W | W W W W W | |||||||||||
2. | Christian Light | 33 | +7 | 4 | 0 | 0 | 4 | 1-0 | 4W | - W W W W | |||||||||||
3. | Jan Gin Xiao | 25 | +5 | 4 | 2 | 0 | 6 | 1-0 | 2W | L W L W W | |||||||||||
4. | Eugene Dewey | 23 | 0 | 3 | 3 | 0 | 6 | 0-1 | 1L | W W W L L | |||||||||||
5. | Cancer Jiles | 22 | 0 | 1 | 2 | 0 | 3 | 0-1 | 1L | - - W L L | |||||||||||
6. | Jack Cassidy | 13 | 0 | 3 | 2 | 0 | 5 | 1-0 | 1L | W L W W L | |||||||||||
7. | Nakita DuBov | 10 | +5 | 2 | 4 | 0 | 6 | 0-0 | 1W | L L L L W | |||||||||||
8. | Michel LaLiberte | 9 | 0 | 1 | 5 | 0 | 6 | 0-1 | 4L | L L L L L | |||||||||||
9. | Diamond Shazam | 5 | +5 | 1 | 0 | 0 | 1 | 0-0 | 1W | - - - - W | |||||||||||
10. | Vagabond | 0 | 0 | 0 | 1 | 0 | 1 | 0-0 | 1L | - - - - L |
Professor:
Claira St. Sure! Can anybody stop this girl?
Lundgard:
It would appear not, Xander.
Professor:
Never call me ‘Xander’.
Lundgard:
Afraid I can’t do that, Xander.
Professor:
Fine, as I was saying, Claira St. Sure extended her lead atop the points table as she picks up her sixth straight win, and collects on the streak breaker hanging over Eugene’s head, something that the fools over on Heritage seemed to have forgotten about last week.
Lundgard:
And you can talk. Isn’t your inability to track the points effectively enough with all these toys the reason I’m here helping?
Professor:
That’s besides the point.
Lundgard:
One thing that needs to be mentioned though, the longer St. Sure’s win streak goes on for, the more points she’s going to be worth to someone when she’s eventually knocked off that perch of hers.
Professor:
And if she’s not knocked off?
Lundgard:
Then more power to her.
Professor:
Christian Light managed to pick up seven points this week following a victory over Cancer Jiles, made all the more sweet by the fact that moments earlier Jiles thought he’d been the one to scoop those points before Jeff Andrews came out to restart the match.
Lundgard:
I’ve had my share of matches restarted over the years, and the only advice I can offer to Cancer is this: Never forget that your opponent is recovering somewhere. Jiles fell into the trap we’ve all been in, he let his guard down and he got screwed over.
Professor:
But justice was served by Andrews after Jiles tried to steal the points for himself.
Lundgard:
Don’t confuse justice with revenge. Do you think Andrews would have been out there so quick if... I dunno, pick a name at random... Jan Gin Xiao had his feet on the ropes?
Professor:
I do, and speaking of JGX, he moves up into third place following his win over Jack Cassidy, Leapfrogging Eugene Dewey, who stays put on 23 following his loss to Claira St. Sure.
Lundgard:
Cassidy never stood a chance against the big man. And no way was he ever going to slam him.
Professor:
I wouldn’t put it past anyone. JGX is big man, but I’ve seen bigger slammed before. I’d imagine a lot of guys in Defiance could summon the strength to do it for five bonus points.
Lundgard:
And if there’s one guy that knows about Bonus points...
Professor:
You totally stole my line.
Lundgard:
I know, I thought I’d do it as it sounded cool.
Professor:
Cancer Jiles stays put this week having been unable to eek any bonus points from any loopholes he may be able to find.
Lundgard:
I like Jiles.
Professor:
I’m not surprised. Following Jiles you’ve got Jack Cassidy, staying put this week, and then Nakita Dubov, who picks up her first lot of points since week one with a victory over Michel LaLiberte who seems to have stalled since his initial points breakout at the start of the season.
Lundgard:
I’m surprised you are able to find anything good to say about these bottom feeders.
Professor:
Not everyone at the bottom of the table is there because they’re incompetent boobs, Mikael, and to prove my point, next on the list is Diamond Shazam.
Lundgard:
He may not be a boob, but he certainly looks like a tit.
Professor:
Be that as it may, Shazam picks up his first win with a victory over Vagabond to take him on his way up the table.
Lundgard:
And I think I read somewhere that he’s taken Vagabond out of Defiance.
Professor:
Yes, that may be the case, we’ll know more by next week, but for now it certainly seems we’ve seen the first and last of Vagabond for the time being.
Lundgard:
What a shame.
Professor:
You don’t mean that.
Lundgard:
No, I don’t, you’re right.
Professor:
Well, that’s all we’ve got for the points this week.
Lundgard:
Well that wasn’t so bad. See you all next time!
Professor:
Whoa there, Cowboy, we’re not done yet! The points may have been tallied, but we’ve still got the prestigious* ‘Noble Points Prize’ to award!
Lundgard:
Audible Sigh.
Professor:
We’ve kept the randomizer!
Lundgard:
Whoopdedoo.
Professor:
So let’s RANDOMIZE!
Lundgard:
I guess it’s better than Sodomize.
Randomizer:
OUTPUT ERROR 2932
Professor:
What?
Randomizer:
Bleep bleep bloop.
Professor:
That can’t be.
Randomizer:
Beeeeeeeeeeep beboop
Professor:
What do you mean your database is over two months out of date?
Randomizer:
Bleep beep boop.
Lundgard:
What the **** went wrong in my career?
Professor:
You can’t pick a winner this week because there are too many people we’ve spoken about not in your database?
Randomizer:
DING!
Lundgard:
Shut the **** up! This week’s winner is Claira St. Sure, there, happy? Claira won the most points, Claira stays top, Claira extends her lead, Claira looks like the sexiest half unwrapped candy bar in the world. Claira wins, OK!?
Professor:
Works for me.
Randomizer:
Beep boop.
Lundgard:
Now can we please end this madness!
Professor:
Madness?
THIS!
IS!
Lundgard:
**** off!
Professor:
Aww, you ruined it.
Last edited: