Over in one of my feds we tend to critique each others promos a lot... as such I thought I'd extend the same courtesy here. If you want me to drop you some feedback give me a shout in this thread and I'll happily do that for you (or send me a PM if you want the feedback privately). And of course, feedback reciprocated would by no means be a bad thing but you don't have to.
Any takers?
Chris Eagles
Promo #1
It's too short. I'm just putting that out there now; apologies if the feedback seems brief but there's not much to work with. To begin, there's not much point to Perrino and Roko being there. I get that Eagles got his information from Perrino but you also stated that he was the co-GM of TWOStars. When would the general manager of a federation have the time to be doing Google searches? The establishment of the other characters is fine, but then you do nothing with them. There are references to people or things that I'm not aware of either (and I remember who Roko is, so whether they're TWOStars shout-outs or not, I'm not sure), which just disorientates the reader. I get that this was probably just a "test the waters" promo, but considering that I know you can do better it's a bit disappointing.
Points of reference:
+ Eagles is confident, that much is certain
- While it's all well and good having the information needed, where is it?
- Yeah... too short.
Promo #2
Well... I'd just like to point out first that this isn't TWOStars. Stupid comment, I know, but your fed's the rarity in this game/sport/whatever. As your opponent pointed out, pretty much the first unwritten rule of non-angle, roleplay feds is that you don't use another character without the handler's permission... especially if that character is your opponent. While I get what you were going for with the angle - and it would have worked over there - there's obviously this limiter on what can be judged in your promo. Anyway, lecture/rant over, I just wanted to clear that up.
Other things:
+ Both setting and character work are nicely done here
+ The iPad 2 joke got me, I'll admit
+ Longer than the first
~ The Sun newspaper. Heh.
- Coding & grammar errors
- The obvious
John McDonough
Promo #1
What immediately strikes me is that the "setting" text is a little choppy. The very first line has this:
I get what you're trying to say, but the judges might not look upon that as favourably. On a positive note, there is an immediate kick-in with the Ultratitle relevancy which I approve of. What you've done here is what I tried to do but with less effect; that is, you've interwoven story and trash to a very high standard. I also like the chemistry between Shane and John, although the level of familiarity is a bit too much for me, considering that Shane is technically working underneath John. And lastly, your use of "I don't watch my promos so I don't know about it"? Classic way of establishing things that your character doesn't know about.
+ It's my sort of humour; that base vitriolic stuff
+ The trash shooting was well done
+ I'm intrigued to know who the brick-wielder is
- Not so sure about using parenthesis to define action
- There's a few words that you need to include for it all to make sense
Promo #2
More of the same, really. A high standard again, though if I'm honest I preferred your first piece. This is because you introduce two new characters; whilst establishing characters is important if you intend to move forward through the tournament, I don't feel it was necessary to touch upon the 'Brandon' character. The interaction with Mikey was more than enough to set up a world outside of the promo without bringing somebody else into it. Personally, I would have kept the disappointment of it not being Brandon, but not had the reveal just yet; instead, have John just dismiss it.
But that's just, like, my opinion, man.
+ "Promo stalker"... it's nice to see that acknowledgement
+ The locale and the way that the stalker talks reminds me of The Amityville Horror
+ The interaction between Mike and John is great...
- ...but it's what Shane and John should have had in the first promo
- There's not as much fire in John's trash as in the first promo either
Justin Voss
Feedback forthcoming.
Zero
Feedback forthcoming.
Dan Ryan
Feedback forthcoming.
Any takers?
Chris Eagles
Promo #1
It's too short. I'm just putting that out there now; apologies if the feedback seems brief but there's not much to work with. To begin, there's not much point to Perrino and Roko being there. I get that Eagles got his information from Perrino but you also stated that he was the co-GM of TWOStars. When would the general manager of a federation have the time to be doing Google searches? The establishment of the other characters is fine, but then you do nothing with them. There are references to people or things that I'm not aware of either (and I remember who Roko is, so whether they're TWOStars shout-outs or not, I'm not sure), which just disorientates the reader. I get that this was probably just a "test the waters" promo, but considering that I know you can do better it's a bit disappointing.
Points of reference:
+ Eagles is confident, that much is certain
- While it's all well and good having the information needed, where is it?
- Yeah... too short.
Promo #2
Well... I'd just like to point out first that this isn't TWOStars. Stupid comment, I know, but your fed's the rarity in this game/sport/whatever. As your opponent pointed out, pretty much the first unwritten rule of non-angle, roleplay feds is that you don't use another character without the handler's permission... especially if that character is your opponent. While I get what you were going for with the angle - and it would have worked over there - there's obviously this limiter on what can be judged in your promo. Anyway, lecture/rant over, I just wanted to clear that up.
Other things:
+ Both setting and character work are nicely done here
+ The iPad 2 joke got me, I'll admit
+ Longer than the first
~ The Sun newspaper. Heh.
- Coding & grammar errors
- The obvious
John McDonough
Promo #1
What immediately strikes me is that the "setting" text is a little choppy. The very first line has this:
I get what you're trying to say, but the judges might not look upon that as favourably. On a positive note, there is an immediate kick-in with the Ultratitle relevancy which I approve of. What you've done here is what I tried to do but with less effect; that is, you've interwoven story and trash to a very high standard. I also like the chemistry between Shane and John, although the level of familiarity is a bit too much for me, considering that Shane is technically working underneath John. And lastly, your use of "I don't watch my promos so I don't know about it"? Classic way of establishing things that your character doesn't know about.
+ It's my sort of humour; that base vitriolic stuff
+ The trash shooting was well done
+ I'm intrigued to know who the brick-wielder is
- Not so sure about using parenthesis to define action
- There's a few words that you need to include for it all to make sense
Promo #2
More of the same, really. A high standard again, though if I'm honest I preferred your first piece. This is because you introduce two new characters; whilst establishing characters is important if you intend to move forward through the tournament, I don't feel it was necessary to touch upon the 'Brandon' character. The interaction with Mikey was more than enough to set up a world outside of the promo without bringing somebody else into it. Personally, I would have kept the disappointment of it not being Brandon, but not had the reveal just yet; instead, have John just dismiss it.
But that's just, like, my opinion, man.
+ "Promo stalker"... it's nice to see that acknowledgement
+ The locale and the way that the stalker talks reminds me of The Amityville Horror
+ The interaction between Mike and John is great...
- ...but it's what Shane and John should have had in the first promo
- There's not as much fire in John's trash as in the first promo either
Justin Voss
Feedback forthcoming.
Zero
Feedback forthcoming.
Dan Ryan
Feedback forthcoming.
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