“So it’s like that, huh?”
[FADEIN: Eric the fuck Dane.]
“It’s been said, over and over, that you get back out of this business what you put into it. That is to say, you reap what you sew.”
[That idiot Cancer Jiles is hallucinating, there is no potted fern sitting in the corner of the DEFIANCE promo booth. Specifically it’s a ficus, there is no corner, and it isn’t a booth. The man is an admitted DRUG ABUSER, he isn’t to be trusted! Next he’ll be droning on about the “good ol’ days” or whatever.]
I’m here to tell you people, that’s a line of bullshit if there ever was one, and anybody trying to feed anybody that line is selling something. One doesn’t get out what one puts in, one gets out what one takes for himself.
Cases in point:
Matt Caje is taking a break from the ULTRATITLE.
Eric Dane is taking Matt Caje out of the ULTRATITLE.
I could go on at length about those two sentences, but I think they’re both pretty much foregone conclusions at this point, am I right? So instead of beating that dead horse again, I’ve decided that I’ll spend my alloted promotional time making delightful ponderings and anecdotes about the ULTRATITLE at large.
[He clears his throat.]
So how about those guys from DEFIANCE?
My good friend and the Executive Vice-President of Operations of all things defiant, Jeff Andrews, has walked into this tournament after I benched him in DEF to take an office job, and he’s taken that frustration out by kicking the dogshit of the walking wrestlecrap that is Dr. Curiosity.
And you guys ain’t even seen him get all SURLY yet.
On top of that Pete Whealdon went out and beat up a mentally challenged guy. I can’t say that I’m particularly proud of that, but then, I’m not the guy who let the gimp into the tournament in the first place. That kid’s blood is on Chad Merritt’s hands all day long.
Speaking of the mentally retarded people competing in ULTRATITLE, apparently Cancer Jiles made it to round two as well. I can’t say I’m surprised, the guy’s slipperier than goose-shit and as Jeff Andrews can tell you from experience, the guy knows how to win matches. Won’t matter that much, though, if his egg-throwing ass makes it to the fourth round, he’s gonna get himself a big ugly dose of reality when I drop him on his head until his shoulders are compacted into his shoes.
But that’s a story for later.
[The Only Star swallows back a bit of bile and continues.]
And before anybody brings it up, no, I didn’t hire Cobra to put Dan Ryan out of the ULTRATITLE in some kind of perverse recreation of The Hydra. What happened is that Dan Ryan decided he was too good to pay attention and got himself beat by a guy who I publicly trolled for a year, convinced that not only was I a big giant snake but I was immortal and his God, and then bounced his head off the concrete and fired him live on Pay-Per-View.
Am I disappointed? Maybe.
Do I care? Nope. Let it be said, though, I’ll give Spike Saunders a lifetime contract in DEFIANCE if he brings me that snake’s blood-covered mask on a silver platter. That’s a standard contract, though, and a standing invitation to the entire roster of the ULTRATITLE. If he happens to make it to the finals and I get to stand across the ring from him and give him his revenge, well, let’s just say I do live in New Orleans, and I don’t have a problem in the world with skinning a snake the hard way.
[Unconsciously he’d been emphasizing with his hands. It was a habit that annoyed him in other people, but there was just something about Cobra that annoyed The Defiance boss to no end.]
As for Eugene losing to Troy Windham?
I mean come on, it’s Troy freakin’ Windham. Nevermind I put that overrated ass in a neck-brace just a few short months ago by cracking him over the head with a Halliburton full of his own money.
Still and all, though, nobody expected the kid to beat Troy, and he didn’t. I’ll say this much, though, knowing the kid the way I do, I know that loss ain’t gonna sit well with him, and I know that the payday for a rematch could be on the hefty side, should Troy Windham ever want to set foot in a DEFIANCE ring and test his mettle.
[I’m serious, Troy. MONEY! You know you like it.]
Also, in non-defiant news, there’s apparently been a few little controversies in this here edition of the ULTRATITLE. First and foremost that Blaine Hollywood versus Zero debacle. I can’t say much about Blaine, I like his dad though, but that Zero...
I don’t know, he’s got the most perfectly manicured face of anyone in the entire tournament. I’m not a gay man myself, but if I were I’d probably **** that face until I loosened some teeth. I mean you can just tell he spends hours in front of a mirror with a razor, nah-mean?
And then there was the Sean Stevens incident.
[Eric Dane is not impressed.]
I am not impressed.
Not the fact the he lost to a reject from a Kid Rock look-a-like contest, I expected that. No, I’m not impressed with his winning of some phantom battle royal in Rio de Janeiro that managed to get him a slot in Round 2.
Come. On. Man.
You seriously wanna be the guy that got beat by Jason Murray and then went on to continue in the tournament anyway? How low class is that? Probably about as low as that scuzzy excuse for a bar that his wife runs in New York.
Speaking of annoying people who I’d like to smash, what’s up with Joe the Plumber showing up to work on heroin? Okay, I know that’s either not really what happened or it actually is what happened and nobody wants to say anything about what used to be NFW’s posterboy, but I was looking forward to fuckstarting his early retirement.
Whatever, I’m sure he’ll randomly show up again somewhere and he’ll burp and fart his way into a ring and if I’m anywhere near it, I’ll hit him in the face with a shovel.
[He begins pacing a bit.]
A lot of different angles are at play here, boys-
[All of a sudden and with very little in the way of a heads up Angus Skaaland pops into the frame. His body language is all askew, and the boss’s eyebrows rise in frustration.]
STOP THE BOAT!
Are you serious? I’m in the middle of a take here.
[Angus pants, heaving in the oxygen to try and catch his breath.]
It’s Caje! He finally decided to show up!
Nah, fwrestling.com. I’ve got it on my iPhone!
[The DEFIANCE commentator and producer reaches into the back pocket of his cargo-shorts and produces the device. A few taps later and The Only Star becomes a singular audience to what The Cure finally had to say.]
[Three minutes pass.]
I didn’t say it was any good, I said it was there.
He got bum-rushed by a TV reporter for the website? I thought the website did radio podcasts. This guy doesn’t rate ESEN coverage?
Don’t look at me, I don’t write this shit.
Whatever. Is the camera still rolling? [Angus nods.] Well cut all of this in post, I’m gonna pick up where I left off.
[He tosses the smartphone back at Skaaland.]
[Skaaland exits stage left. The Only Star turns back to the camera, his head shifted to the side in an almost amused fashion.]
You’re wrong about two things, Matt.
Number one, you and I are nothing alike. You’re a little boy who got mad and threw a temper tantrum when things didn’t go his way and that million dollar career never materialized. Myself, on the other hand, I’ve been the man since before you started in this business, I’m the man right now, while you’re struggling to matter in a very small company that has obviously surpassed its use for you, and I’ll be the man long after you’ve decided that discretion is the better part of cowardice and you go back to whatever counter-jockey job you had before you ever wandered into my domain.
This isn’t about tenacity and it isn’t about physical condition. Mind you, I’m in the best of my life, but in a five minute thrashing cardiovascular health isn’t really going to come into play. This is about being the best wrestler IN THE BUILDING each and every time you walk into an arena to work a show. This is about being the ULTIMATE of CHAMPIONS. This is about the complete dominance of one of the strongest fields to ever grace the tournament brackets in any sport, let alone wrestling.
And that’s the other thing you’re wrong about, Matt.
[The Only Star’s face twists into a sneering grin.]
I have no disrespect for the ULTRATITLE, none whatsoever.
This championship represents yet another cornerstone in the legacy of my career. I want nothing more than to honor it by reveling in the mediocrity of the preliminary rounds of the competition, that’s you, and bathing in the blood of all of those so unlucky as to have drawn my name in the third bracket.
That’s also you.
You think in the near two decades I’ve been doing this that I’ve never faced a knock-off of myself who DOESN’T GET IT enough to realize that it’s not about cheating to win, it’s about making a statement, carving a niche, and defending a legacy against would-be usurpers such as yourself by any means necessary? Take a look in the archives, son, I ripped Alex Austin’s face to shreds with a spike just a couple of months ago in a SUBMISSIONS MATCH just to prove a point.
What do you think I’ll do with a whelp like you?
[He shrugs with a knowing smile.]
I hate to be use a cliche here, but suffice it to say that there will be a woodshed involved. And when this is all over, when my hand is raised in victory and I start the march into the third round while you take a Greyhound back to whatever American Legion Hall that PRW runs its shows out of, for a split second even you will understand.
It’s not about you.
It’s about me.
It’s always about me.
[XTREMECLOSEUP: The face of The Only Star, a smirk plastered from ear to ear. He takes his time, eating up every spare second of television time remaining.]
And Matt, you can’t spell your own name right, you don’t honestly expect that anybody believes you’d get mine right, do you?