RP Museum (Old RP)

[LQJT86C]

Re: Non Title J1D Vs The Captain

(FADEIN: Gazing out his apartment window through bloodshot eyes, J1D takes in a view of the Las Vegas Strip. As flashing lights reflect through the glass and onto his face, he's got an expression like "WHOOOAAAA." In his left hand, his trust surfboard. Hanging from his right? The red and silver LVW Championship belt, complete with diamond spinner. Has life ever been this good to the Dude?)

J1D: Maaan people keep asking now- "how does it feel to be champion?" And honestly brah? I feel no different from when I was just a little dude learnin' how to shred on my carbon fiber! Don't misread me brosefs, I'm totally not tryin' to act above the fray, but ya gotta understand something about me...I'm ALL about two things mainly: keeping it real at ALL TIMES with my favorite bros and brosefs, and NEVER forgetting where I came from. Ever! Ok and you can add surfing and munching on tacquitos as well...because that's some gnarley grindage if I do say so myself!

The only thing different now in the world of J1D is responsibility. But it's not like a stupid responsibility, like being early to work or doing essays or cleaning your room or staying the same boring job for five years straight. It's a responsibility that is uplifting yet at the same time TOTALLY gnaarrmax!!

Now not to rag on anybody AT ALL...but sometimes I like watch TV and stuff, and I gotta be honest bros...I'm not really down with what I see. Like we've got these b*tchin' champions who look sick in the ring but then when it comes down to it, they can't be completely chilled with the fans. AND THAT AIN'T RIGHT IN MY CODEBOOK, BRAH!

The way J1D has seen it, always seen it, and always will see it, is there are a couple of people in this world. You got the landsharks, the poser asshat assclowns who just sit on the beach and pretend like they surf, and then there's dudes out there shreddin' the guff out those waves like there's NO TOMORROW!! And when I joined LVW, I thought maybe there'd be some more like-minded totally socially responsible while at the same time epically chillaxable people in this place. But what did I find? More landsharks dude. BUMMER!

My next and last tussle in the LVW before I retire to my humble abode indefinitely...will be against the Captain. AWESOME NAME dude. Captains are A-OK with me. Unfortunately brah? I can't make you the same peace offering I made to all the others, cause the fans expect their champion, the champ who represents THEM, to go out with his head held high and the tide in low. If we smoke, it's gotta be afterwards. Either way I just gotta warn you dude...you've seen how I can be when other people get me angry and deny my Gandhi-like outlook on life. And just ask 'em, it's not pretty.

I like you brah, but let's please have a respectable match...or the crazy side of J1D might come out. No, actually dude? He will come out if you act too much like a poag, and I'll TOTALLY be forced to defend myself. Seriously though, let's not think about that kinda thing right now.

Cause all I'm thinkin about is shining this cool looking belt in front of the fans who cheered me on to win! This is your belt, dudes, and let's just say that it will be restored to it's rightful owner when the night of the show comes. Finally pro wrestling has a champion who understands the notion of SHARING IS CARING. I share, you care...it works both ways and feeds us both in the most awesome of spiritual ways. This is the type of bond that only you and I, J1D and the fans, could share. It's a family thing. Captain, brah, you just wouldn't understand. It's one thing to call yourself the Captain, but it's another to live amongst the sea dwellers when you're floating on that backwash from a wave that just won't stop carrying you to inter-dudeular destiny, or in lay man's terms, THE ULTIMATE CONNECTION WITH MOTHER NATURE BRAH!

And by the way everybody...happy 420!!!!!

Peace and love always, brah. Except if you bum me out, then I'd hafta get angry and beat on you like I did to everyone at the battle royal. But peace anyway brah. Because I may be champ but I'm not a total d*ckwad.

I'm just ONE DUDE...looking for adventure...yet totally with no strings attached willing to party it up at the same time brah!

(FADEOUT)

 

[BarryClarkJr]

Ron matts?! Aarrgggg!

(B/W Camera opens up to a very dark living room apartment of one Seven Ten Hudgins. Camera pans around once again revealing bowling items tacked to the wall. Close up shots of game printouts from his youth days are tacked to the wall collecting dust. The room is full of cigarette smoke as the camera pulls from the wall to the couch of Seven Ten as he is sitting there wearing nothing but high colored tube socks, white tighty-whitie underwear. He has two cigarettes going, one in his mouth and one on the ashtray)

SEVEN-TEN HUDGINS: You know when I was about eight years old my dad would always take me every Saturday to the lanes so I could bowl on the youth group. We would ride in the 'OL Ford van, and he'd always listen to the AM station. Old Ron Matts would talk about todays topics, give the weather, blurt out a joke here and there, even mention himself in commercials so they could convince you.
My dad would puff on that cigarette left and right with the windows up listening to Ron Matts on the AM station. My dad would always chew on his tongue as well which was annoying because it sounded like he was chewing like a cow and licking himself at the same time. But as I got older it got worse and worse.

While I inhaled the smoke from my dad for years, he continued to drive me from the youth league to the PBA. Ron Matts was still on and would do sports as well. 1990 the day after the PBA K-MART Tournament Of Champions Ron Matts made the biggest mistake of his life.

(FLASHBACK V/O with a still picture of Seven Ten sitting there)

RON MATTS: Yankees over Oakland 4-3, and Boston shuts out Baltimore 3-0. (Laughs) In cased you missed it yesterday afternoon. Walter Ray Williams defeated Jack Hudgins in somewhat of a disaster championship final. Walter Ray finished the game with 255 leaving Jack with the tenth frame to finish. Simple two pins? No, he went double gutter. Rookie of the year choked big time. Bowling is a sport that should be right down your alley kid. (Laughs) Up next, your traffic report.....

(Camera opens again with Seven Ten still sitting)

SEVEN-TEN HUDGINS: I hate Ron Matts. I hate my father. I hate him chewing on his tongue every single Saturday morning. The sound creeps me out thinking he is licking himself. Walter Ray Williams is no legend. I HATE AM RADIO! I HATE FORD, ESPECIALLY VANS!! I HATE SMOKING!!!

(Seven-Ten leans back and takes a big drag. He then leans over and grabs his old rubber ball out of his bag and places it in his lap and starts petting it taking a deep breath)

SEVEN-TEN HUDGINS: Mandalay Bay, will be a roll off involving North Dakota, Cowboys and indians, and of course The Super Spare. I swear to god this time I will not bring my father and I will not listen to that bastard Ron Matts! I refuse to be eliminated and if I have to defeat these so called bowlers to get to Walter Ray......I will..........

Ron Matts, your a dead man.

(CAMERA fades out to Seven-Ten talking to his ball)

 

[The Great Eye]

Re: Olvir Vs Hans

(FADEIN: MISS ANN dressed in her normal slutwear, a tight short black mini skirt, a low cut black top, and Lady Gaga styled giant sunglasses on, behind her is the monster known as HANS NOWAK currently working on the Atlas Stones challenge normally seen on World's Strongest Man Challenges.)

ANN: Oh Olvir, you silly brute...My giant Hans has spent all this time away from LVW training, preparing himself for his return and his destroying of all that America stands for

And truly what's more America then some cartoon moron who gains fame in something as unseemly as the pornography industry

(Miss Ann shakes her head dismissively as Hans powers through the fourth stone and makes his way to the 5th)

ANN: Oh I'm sure you'll have some truly darling Viking themed porn to make the sheep of LVW cheer for you...But sadly for you and them, all this cheers will turns to screams of horror as Hans rips you limb from limb.

(Hans finally gets the 5th stone placed and then power walks towards the camera.)

HANS: HANS CRUSH STUPID VIKING MAN!!! HANS CRUSH AMERICA AND IT'S ILLEGALLY ELECTED KENYAN BORN PRESIDENT!!!! HANS WILL RULE AMERICA AND LVW!!

(Hans does "The Crab" flex at the camera.)

(FADEOUT)

 

[RStrawsma]

VP 009 - Polish War Machine vs. Viking Sex Machine

(Fade in from black, and we're back on the set of the infamous Studio 69 at Valhalla Studios. The first thing we see is a stretcher carrying a scantily clad young lady, now known as Pixie, or perhaps Trixie, who bears an expression of both pleasure and pain. She lies face down, moaning softly, and a sheet covers her lower portion. She's led away by a couple of paramedics as a doctor and Tommy Salami step into the frame, shaking their heads.)

Tommy Salami
Thank you for coming on such short notice, doctor. I didn't know what else to do.

Doctor
I'm glad you called me, Mr. Salami. This is by far the WORST salad tossing incident I've ever seen.

VALHALLA PRODUCTION COMPANY​

Presents​

Tommy Salami
Will she ever be able to perform again?

Doctor
Oh, I think she'll be fine. Nothing a few weeks of sphincter reconstruction can't solve. Still, I think you need to say something to that crazy Viking. Seems like every week, a new girl turns up in my E.R. with something wrong with her ass.

Tommy Salami
Dunno if anything can be said to him, Doc. He's been... pretty upset since he lost his last match.

(They both peer over to the stage, now decorated in a way to look like a Viking warlord's mead hall. Upon the throne sits the notorious BUTT-DOMINATOR named OLVIR ARSVINNAR, brow furrowed and bearded jaw supported by a clenched fist.)

OLVIR ARSVINNAR​

In​

(The two conversing men turn their attention back to each other.)

Tommy Salami
Anyway, doctor... thanks again for your help. I'll see what I can do over here.

Doctor
Thank you, Mr. Salami. A woman's ass is a delicate thing. You have a good day.

(The doctor exits, following the footsteps of his paramedics, leaving Salami wiping the sweat off his balding head as he approaches the stern-faced Olvir upon the throne.)

Tommy Salami
Hey, big guy! Looks like you gave Trixie a bit more than she could handle. You want me to call in her sister so we can get the rest of the scene?

(For a moment, Olvir says nothing... then silently rises to his feet, standing like a statuesque god amid this Norse-themed scene.)

Olvir Arsvinnar
That will not be necessary, Salami Man! The infathomable RAGE flowing through me at this moment is almost too much to bear!

Even moments ago, as my powerful TONGUE fornicated the supple ARSE of that splendid maiden... all that I could think of was that face...

The face of HANS NOWAK!!

"POLISH WAR MACHINE VS. VIKING SEX MACHINE"​

​

(Salami shakes his head.)

Tommy Salami
Oh boy... I haven't forgotten the last time you got into it with that guy. You know, that girl you had dress up as "Miss Warsaw" still has problems eating Polish sausage after what you did to her.

Olvir Arsvinnar
Then now you UNDERSTAND why I cannot WORK under such conditions!

(Unexpectedly, Iggy Dorkjanker steps into the scene.)

Iggy Dorkjanker
"Hans Nowak?" Sorry, I must have been living under a rock. Who is that?

(Olvir suddenly spins around and BARKS his answer in the LVW talent representative's face with enough force to knock him over.)

Olvir Arsvinnar
ONLY THE MOST KNAVISH OF KNAVES... from the PUNY and WEAK land of the POLES!!

(Iggy lies stunned upon the ground. Olvir reaches down and takes a handful of his Iron Maiden t-shirt, yanking back to his feet.)

Olvir Arsvinnar
You must understand, Yanker of Dorks... in the Elder Age of Las Vegas, Nowak and I were the two MIGHTIEST GLADIATORS to ever step into the arena! It had long been my intent to PROVE MYSELF as the STRONGEST in the federation... but alas, our rivalry never came to a fitting conclusion!

And now he's BACK... and after having COST ME the chance to proclaim myself as CHAMPION OF THE WORLD in the battle royale, I have every intent to SMOTE HIM for once and for all, and to take his precious MISS ANN back to my longboat, where I will DOMINATE HER SORRY ARSE without restraint!

(Iggy mulls over this information, and realizes something is amiss.)

Iggy Dorkjanker
Wait a second... how exactly did Hans Nowak cost you the LVW World Title? If I recall correctly, as soon as he hit the ring and made a couple of eliminations, you and a few others ganged up on him and eliminated him without delay. He didn't even lay a HAND on you.

(Tommy Salami briskly steps out of the frame, trying to get as far away from the Viking as possible. He's smart to do so, as the Norseman's fierce blue eyes are now raging balls of fire, and his face is a brewing volcano of crimson rage.)

Iggy Dorkjanker
...uh... did I say something you didn't like?

(**WHAMM!!**)

(That was the sound of Olvir's fist, travelling at two hundred miles per hour, lashing out like lightning and burying itself into the meager talent rep's face. The unlucky Iggy is thrown some thirty feet through the air, crashing through a flimsy fake wall and landing in a heap.)

(Blinking through a growing black and blue welt on his face, Iggy flounders on the ground for a moment until a horned shadow falls upon him again. The Great Olvir lifts him to his feet and promptly dusts him off. Iggy staggers, showing some trouble staying balanced, and looks around with great confusion.)

Iggy Dorkjanker
...uh... what just happened?

Olvir Arsvinnar
You TRIPPED, puny Dork-Yanker!

Iggy Dorkjanker
Oh, man... really? My head... is killing me.

I remember... something about Hans Nowak.

Olvir Arsvinnar
GOOD MEMORY, feeble Ignatius! SOON, Hans Nowak will be DECAPITATED in the name of FATHER ODIN!! It will be JUST revenge for the INSULT he dealt me in the battle royale!

Iggy Dorkjanker
...battle royale? Man, my memory's really foggy all of a sudden.

(He pulls Iggy within a few inches of his snarling face.)

Olvir Arsvinnar
You remember... DON'T YOU??

Iggy Dorkjanker
...oh... yeah, right. THAT insult.

(The rage in Olvir's face disappears into his regular inane smile. He SLAPS Iggy hard on the back.)

Olvir Arsvinnar
GOOD MAN!!

(Iggy grins. As he does, we can see one of his teeth fall out and hit the floor.)

Olvir Arsvinnar
In all seriousness, Iggy the Dork-Yanker... you could benefit MUCH from my tutelage!

Iggy Dorkjanker
Really?

Olvir Arsvinnar
INDEED!! You don't HONESTLY want to continue the rest of your meager life as the PUNY, WEAK, and BEARDLESS FOOL you are now! What would the Gods way when you enter Valhalla, only to show them you are UNWORTHY to wield the blade in the battle of Ragnarok?!

Iggy Dorkjanker
Uh... I dunno...

Olvir Arsvinnar
Watch closely as I step into the noble arena this week, feeble Ignatius, and DOMINATE the thick-skulled FOOL Hans Nowak! You will understand what a TRUE warrior is when you watch me CONQUER his touted strength and prove myself as the MIGHTIEST in all of LAS VEGAS... as well as the WORLD!!

Iggy Dorkjanker
Sounds good...

Olvir Arsvinnar
HA HA!! Clean yourself up, man! My PATH OF DESTINY awaits!

(Olvir gives him another hard slap on the back and steps through the doors leading to his trailer. Iggy linger in place, tries blinking, but only one eye is closing.)

Iggy Dorkjanker
...crap, why can't I see out of my other eye?

(Because it's swollen shut. Fade to black.)

 

[PaulNJ21]

My Anti-Drug is Wrestling



::”The Captain” David Richter is at the hospital, visiting old people suffering from emphysema and lung cancer. Richter is sitting at the edge of the bed watching over a sleeping patient and begins to speak::

“THE CAPTAIN” DAVID RICHTER: Mister Dude, first off, I'd like to tip my cap to you for winning the LVW World Heavyweight Title. You fought a lot of tough competition and when it mattered, you came through in the clutch. You seem like a genially good person, but there is a lot of kids watching the LVW and they, right or wrong look to us as role models. I understand with the economy being poor and people being afraid of losing their jobs, the pressure to do well in school in order to get scholarships, and older people worrying about their stock portfolios that there is a lot of anxiety right now that people are struggling to deal with. But I have to take a stand...

::Richter gets off the bed in his suit and stands up::

Just say no to illegal drugs. Pot is not the answer. Prolonged pot use can cause or inflame conditions like chest colds, bronchitis, emphysema, and bronchial asthma where every breath you breathe is a struggle on your body to stay alive. When you are a wrestler and athlete like we are and conditioning plays a major factor, you have to stay at the top of your game because you never know when you'll be taken to the limit. It also can cause diminished short term memory and loss of concentration and coordination and in a sport where one mistake or one second can cost you a match, it hurts your chance of winning and more importantly, it puts you at greater risk for injury and nobody at home want to see their heroes getting hurt.

It is tough being the champion. I can understand that from my success as a multiple LVW World Tag Team champ. You have to be in the gym early to make sure you are in peak condition, but how are you going to do that Dude when the weed is eating away your motivation? Kids, even if you have god given natural talent, if you want to grow up and live your dream at whatever you do, you just can't go through the motions. You have to put all your heart into what you are doing and go out there and give the best you have on that day especially here in LVW.

I don't want it come off like I'm demonizing pot users or The World Champion Mister Dude. There are organizations like TheTruth who take their messages too far and so overboard, they make you want to light up just to spite them. That is the wrong way to go about things. It is a tough world and people are looking for something to take the edge off the pressure of every day life while everyone and their mother makes cracks about psychiatrists as quacks. That environment has unfortunately led us to where we are today.

Kids, If you are having trouble, talk to a friend or parent. Go to a psychiatrist and talk about what is going on and let him prescribe you legal drugs approved by the FDA that you can pick up at a drug store instead of possibly getting some bad pot which is laced by a much stronger drug that could cause seizures. It doesn't make you weak to need some help, it makes you human.

Mister Dude, by beating you, I'm going to send a message to you, all the wrestlers in the back, and all the kids at home that drugs are not the answer and hopefully, we can save a couple of lives.

FTB

 

[LQJT86C]

Re: Non Title J1D Vs The Captain

(FADEIN: J1D's sitting on his couch smoking the BIGGEST BOWL you've ever seen in your life! He's inhaling deep, and exhaling that smoke into the air all around him)

J1D: Duuuuude I was totally with you when you were congratulating me on being the maharashi of LVW! But then you go and blow it by totally coming down on me in an uncool way brah!!!!

Just to set the record straight, I want all the kids at home to watch me right now. (Picks up the red and platinum LVW Championship Title laying on the ground next to him, holds it up to the camera) You see this belt, kids? It was TOTALLY won with the use of marijuana. But no, it's all good bros! I'm not like trying to convert you to my way of life or anything, but I'm just saying, marijuana has only helped me doing the most awesome of things in my life. I was feeling niiiiiiice too when I won the belt at the battle royal too brah!

Plus I'm almost never angry when I'm tokin' and a-smokin'! Shyyyaaahhh bro, except for when assheads like Captain douchebag tell me NOT TO SMOKE IT! You're just like my father dude, always telling me what to do with my life. When you're smokin' up though brah, you live under no one's rules but nature. And I loooove nature brah.

You might be a nice guy, Captain, but I'm the people's champ for GOOD REASON DUDE! It's cause I know their daily frustrations of waking up late for work only to deal with a butthole of a boss who thinks you have to be there at EXACTLY nine o'clock! I've had those jobs before, dude, they blow, and I got fired from them all. Being in LVW is awesome though cause I don't have to be at work until like eight pm. Plus theres' free gnarley grindage in the concession room! And that to me is most excellent.

People don't want a bunch of asshats tellin' them what to think, how to dress, what NOT to smoke, what religion to believe in. I love Gandhi and Buddah, but you don't hear me tellin' dudes to worship them, do you? Although I highly recommend it. And if anything brah, I'm gonna give advice to people on what the best weed is, 'cause it's SO HARD to find that gnarley sativa grass!

If LVW was a democracy, then the voter turnout would be EXCELLENT, and the people would give me TWO THUMBS UP! Too bad it's not a democracy, and I gotta fight people instead. No worries brosef, cause once I've demonstrated my awesome offensive skills against you in the ring, we can both chill and I can give you your first joint.

Just remember tho bro...you gotta INHALE!

PEACE DUDE...

(FADEOUT)

 

[Vertigo]

Diamonte of Love: Love Bus

(Fade into: Born Again, sitting, in a full tilt suit, on a rock in the blistering heat of Las Vegas.)

Born Again: Diamonte. I was always taught that to be able to spread the word of the Lord, I needed to learn the language of the heathen nations. And so, I looked it up. "Rock" is apparently "diamonte". Now that I've related to you on a personal level, maybe it will be easier for you to listen to what I have to tell you. The strength of the Lord is powerful indeed. The church draws strength from the Lord but the Lord also draws strength from his church. Do you know how the church started? It started when the Lord turned to Peter and told him "You are the 'diamonte' on which I will build my church." One man, Spaniard. One good wholesome God-fearing man started everything.

(Born Again pauses to wipe the sweat from his brow with his handkerchief.)

Born Again: But Simon Peter has passed on. And in his wake, each level of the church has become softer and softer until we have the current, watered down, laissez-faire church you see nowadays. That is why attendance is down, sinning is up, and places like Las Vegas haven't returned to the rubble from whence they came. So the Lord needs a new "diamonte". He needs me, the new Simon Peter, Born Again, the rock on which the entire faith and trust of the Lord can reside.

(Born Again takes out a paper fan to cool himself.)

Born Again: I have no interest in going to places like Spain to recruit more acolytes of the Lord. The last thing the church needs for it's image is a bunch of unwashed, disgusting, gibberish speaking heathens in it's ranks. The church needs an image overhaul, a reconnection with what made it really great: white Anglo-Saxon males who understand that the Scripture is a warning of the impending hellfires. But, since you have decided to leave Spain and join the LVW, I feel inclined to at least help you. Even though you probably aren't good enough for God, you can at least get out of Las Vegas.

(Born Again leans forward and reaches into his pocket. He takes out a medical pamphlet of some type.)

Born Again: Now I know the Spanish speaking world is rife with the swine flu, assumedly a way of the Lord punishes you heathens for your terrible way of life, so it can also be assumed that you are infected with it. I am currently going through an intense inoculation process so when you inevitably spread your diseases to the masses of Las Vegas, I can stay around to tell everyone "I told you so". Because I did tell you so.

(Born Again reaches behind the rock and takes out a book which was wrapped in cloth. It is, of course, the Bible.)

Born Again: Do you know why this match is being contested under "The Lord's Rules"? It's because the will of God is to end all the sinning that is currently going on in Las Vegas. And to tame the sinning, I must make sure that matches are sin-free. That is, the ultimate rule is not the rules of man but the rules of our Lord. The Bible is the only rulebook I have ever or will ever be bound by. I don't know if there are any Spanish language versions of the Bible, but I would suggest you stick to the correct English language version to make sure there isn't any confusion. Because the American Midwest is the new Jerusalem and Las Vegas is the new Orient, home of sinning and corruption. And just like the people of Simon Peter's time correctly determined that the Orient is the home of the Antichrist, I have determined that Las Vegas is going to be the site of the next Noah's ark. But when you, Spaniard, as an agent of the Lord, bringing the cleansing plague of swine flu to the city, Born Again will lead no one to his ark. Because no one here is worthy of saving yet. Repent and I might, possibly reconsider.

(Fade to black.)

 

[PaulNJ21]

Re: Non Title J1D Vs The Captain



::”The Captain” David Richter is sitting on the edge of the ring, with a towel around his neck after a workout, face palming his face. Richter looks up and begins to speak...::

“The Captain” David Richter: I won't lie, your last response and your lack of caring for the health of the kids watching LVW has left me slightly perturbed. Kids while they are not as naive as the media portrays are still impressionable and trying to figure out what is happening in this crazy world we live in. But if you don't care enough about the kids to change your lifestyle Mister Dude, there is something else to think about, as champion of LVW with our television being sold and bittorrented all over the world, as our champion and our most prominent figure, do you want to associate drug use with professional wrestlers and the good people of the city of Las Vegas?

The are people all across the country associating us now with mindless, self indulgence. People are thinking of us as the Dallas Cowboys of professional wrestling letting any hooligan compete in our league and worse, for our world heavyweight title belt. Just look at what drug use did to WFW, one of the most successful leagues of all-time, you couldn't even walk into the backstage area without getting high because Felix Red, Jared Wells, Anarky, and Manson were always smoking a bowl and where is that league now, on a very long hiatus while wrestlers are trying to be released from rehab! There are shoot interviews which even say Manson was openly doing crack off the rears of midgets.

The city of Las Vegas is the 28th most populated city in the United States of America. Unfortunately though for the citizens of Las Vegas, whenever someone brings up the name of the city, it is associated with 3.8 mile strip of land in a city 131 square miles big. No major sports league will even allow the city to have a sports team despite the success sports such as boxing, mixed martial arts, and wrestling has had in the city and you certainly aren't helping things by taking pride in smoking a bowl on television.

I hate to come off like I'm some dad giving a lecture, but I work hard to be the very best that I can be. I try to lead a life where the people who look up to me, since I'm a public figure, can be proud to say that are a fan of mine. You seem like a good man and you definitely have the talent or you wouldn't be holding the LVW World Heavyweight. I'm not telling you what religion to follow or how to run your private life, I'm saying to you to be conscious of your public image and its impact not just on you, but on everyone around you.

It is looks like I'm going to have to be the one to step up and teach you a lesson by beating you at The Battle Continues to earn a title shot. I'm going to show that you don't need to use drugs to be the best in the world. You better fight for your life because as a multiple LVW World Tag Champion, I have shown that I can get the job done, time in and time out, in the clutch and bring home the gold for my team. While in this match I don't have a partner, I consider all of LVW to be my team and I'm going to go out there and do my best to make this league, this city, and all the people proud.

Mister Dude, be ready, Captain Clutch is coming for you.

FTB

 

[LQJT86C]

Re: Non Title J1D Vs The Captain

(FADEIN: J1D standing in front of an LVW banner with the red and platinum championship belt draped over his shoulder, pacing back and forth. This man has something on his mind!)

J1D: (putting hand over forehead) I can't BELIEVE YOU, MAHARASHI! Naw brah, this just ain't right! Trying to taint the image of a friendly neighborhood surfer such as myself, the man who is out there representing the people in a most awesome way...

Get one thing totally straight brosef, I DO NOT SMOKE CRACK! Marijuana and shrooms are all-nachu-RAL! (hands over mouth, shouting) KIDS, IF YOU'RE OUT THERE WATCHING YOUR MAIN MAN J1D RIGHT NOW, DON'T LISTEN TO THE CAPTAIN!

I mean seriously dude, why try and spoil a good thing? I didn't bring drugs to LVW, they were there when I arrived! Me and some of the fans were even smoking together before the last event. It was a most awesome feeling of bonding and brotherly love, and THAT'S what marijuana and shrooms and the marijuana gum that I get with my green card when I'm in Cali...has done for me! I'm not saying little kids should be doing it, but I would definitely suggest they try it when they're older! Like maybe 13 or something.

J1D isn't about me, J1D isn't about you; it's not even about Las Vegas or Pro Wrestling. J1D is a way of life that's gonna change the PLANET, BRAH! One city at a time. I've been scopin' out this wave for mad long, and the rip tide's about right to let me in and shred to the promised land. A-K-A, brah, J1D making society a more tolerant and peaceful place by bringing people together and opening their third eyes. Honestly man, why would you wanna stand in the way of that?

You can say what you want, judge me how you want, and totally throw sand in my face, but the fact is this belt is proof positive that the gnarliest of lifestyles is the one that I'm living right now. And if you don't think marijuana help me along the way, then you just need to go back to your Reefer Madness Director's Cut DVD and watch the damn special features brah!

(takes the title off his shoulders and shakes it at the camera) Where I go, this belt follows. Where I go, my fans are there and they've got my back. We're all smokin' the same doob, walking the same path, hangin' ten on the same breakline. J1D is TOTALLY haggard brah, and everybody knows it! You're just the underwater Jack Magnet trying to prevent me from passage, and I won't have any of it. You are definitely NOT bummin' this party out!

After I pin you, I'm peacin', ridin' out into the sunset, surfing the oceanic perimeter, and I'm taking my people with me! Once that happens, you and some other buttmunches can fight over the belt. But not this time brah, not THIS party. The belt may not be on the line, but my vibe with these most awesome Las Vegans sure is.

And J1D brah, like always, SHALL NOT DISAPPOINT!

(FADEOUT)

 

[PaulNJ21]

Burn Baby Burn

::Richter is sitting in a suit with his feet up on the table, on the table is a case with a million dollars inside.::

“THE CAPTAIN” DAVID RICHTER: Mister Dude, you've forced my hand, I hate to grandstand, but a message has to be sent. I'm asking all fans of your fans to bring their stash to The Battle Continues and in exchange for crisp one hundred dollar bills, we will destroy all the pot in huge bonfire outside before the show. We are going to send a message to people all over the world that we, the fans of LVW, do not condone the lifestyle of Mister Dude to a television audience worldwide.

And, I am asking all of my fans, young and old alike to come and show their support. There will be several bands and refreshments will be served and we will show the whole world that you don't need drugs to get high to be high on life.

Mister Dude, if you can behave yourself and promise not to cause a physical altercation until our match later that night, you are invited to attend and maybe you'll see first hand the error of your ways.

FTB

 

[TH]

Re: Ron matts?! Aarrgggg!

The scene is a street corner on the Strip. Cowboy Jimmy Donovan is standing by wearing a button-down shirt, cowboy hat, cowboy boots... and an athletic supporter.

JD: Well, I'll be. At the big battle royale, I didn't done do what I said I was gonna do. Since I didn't win the LVW World Championship, well, things a' been goin' a little south fer me, an' not the good kinda south either. Turns out Mandalay Bay was only sponsorin' me because they thought it was a lock that I was gonna be Champion again. So when I didn't win, well, they stripped me of mah sponsorship.

Of course, that wouldn'ta been a problem if I didn't sell all mah pants cuz them tights was the only things I was allowed to wear. So that's why I'm out here on the Las Vegas streets in nothin' but an athletic supporter. I ain't allowed in no casinos with no pants. None of the classy brothels will let me in without pants, and the skeezy ones... well, I already got gonherrea once this month. I ain't fixin' on gettin' it again.

So, now, I gotsta start from scratch and take on a few tough hombres in this here Eeeelimination Series to get mah title back. And when I win this match and get the winner's purse, I'll be able to buy me some more pants. YEE-HAW!

So Seven-Ten Hudgins, Nate Dakota, Super Spade, hear this before the LVPD comes around and busts me for indecent exposure. You guys may be 'rasslin' fer yer names, but y'all ain't as desperate as I am. I'm hungry... no, literally, I ain't eaten since the buffet before the last event. So while y'all are lookin' t'build yer reputations, I'm lookin' to get back on may feet, both in the ring an' in life.

So y'all better watch yer behinds, because I'm goin' all in for this one. I...

Red and blue lights flash and a siren blares.

JD: Well, y'all get it. Well, it's been good talkin' to y'all. See ya if I can get anyone t'post mah bail!

The cops get out and put Jimmy in cuffs as the scene goes to the LVW logo.

 

[CaptCongaLine]

Re: Lord's Rules: Born Again Vs The Spaniard

(SPANIARD sighs aloud as we fade in. His mask is in that a creased way that shows us he is sad and sorry.)

SPANIARD: I apologize for not giving you all I have dis week. It was... wrestling school exam week for de SPANIARD... and much to your surprise, he needed to pass dis class to make sure he can move on and teach other Spaniards the craft of... awrestling. Please... accept my deepest apologies.

(SPANIARD bows out gracefully.)

(FTB.)

 

[The Great Eye]

Knuckles Vs Dakota

RP for this match here.

 

[The Great Eye]

Johnson Vs The Spaniard

Rp for this match here.

 

[The Great Eye]

Elimination Series Round 2

Rp for this match here.

 

[The Great Eye]

Captain Vs Olvir

Rp for this match here.

 

[BarryClarkJr]

Re: Elimination Series Round 2

"For The Little Ones We Have Bumper Lanes And Ball Ramps To Help The Young Bowlers Build Confidence And Have An Enjoyable Experience"

Bumper Bowling: is available for beginners. This is ideal if you have younger bowlers, bumpers prevent gutter-balls that can often discourage young bowlers.
Pricing for bumper bowling:

*Shoe Rental $2.00 Per Pair At All Times
*$3.50 Per Game Per Person
*Every Tuesday Bumper Bowling
*Shoes $1.00 -*$2.00 Per Game Per Person!
*9am - 10pm!


(Camera pans around slowly in the packed bowling alley)

LANE 28: Party of six children, mostly eight year olds. Parents stand back clapping the the children on, waiting on cake for the birthday boy Ryan.

LANE 29: Vacant.

LANE 30: Teenagers around the age of fourteen, trying to bowl but at the same time do their best to be boyfriend/girlfriend. Three guys, three girls.

(CUEUP: Voodoo Child by Jimi Hendrix)

(FADEIN: To Seven-Ten Hudgins walking into the bowling alley rolling his bags in. He is wearing black dress pants, and an official LVW polo shirt with the writing Seven-Ten on the back. Stopping in the middle of the entrance, camera zooms in as he takes the unlit cigarette out of his mouth and places it behind his ear. Then puts his cop glasses over his head and looks around)

SEVEN TEN: Mother of god.

(Seven Ten places his hands around his waist looking around slowly as he begins to fall in a flash back. Camera is fading between his face and watching little kids bowl)

CHRIS SCHENKEL: Who in the world is going to stop Walter Ray Williams Jr? By far, the greatest shooter in the world where ever you go..........

(Seven Ten daydreaming gets interrupted by the old lady running the counter)

COUNTER LADY: EXCUSE ME SIR! Can I help you?

(Stunned Seven Ten walks up to the counter)

SEVEN TEN: Ah, yes. I would love a lane. And please give me a lane with a mild oil pattern.

COUNTER LADY: Lane six. Excuse me for a minute.

(Counter Lady grabs the microphone and announces a Happy Birthday)

COUNTER LADY: On lane twenty eight we would like to wish a very happy eighth birthday to RRRYYYAAANNN!!!

(A disgruntled Seven Ten starring at the counter lady is startled by the reaction of birthday boy Ryan as he turns around to see a bunch of adults jumping for joy and prancing around for the kids. He looks over at the teenager couples on lane thirty not caring at all about bowling but rather caring about kissing and getting to second base. His eyes get distance and big, then turns back around to the counter)

SEVEN TEN: Forget lane six my dear. I'll go ahead and take lane twenty nine.

COUNTER LADY: Twenty nine it is. Need shoes?

SEVEN TEN: Oh no. I bring my own weapons.

(Camera follows behind Seven Ten to lane twenty nine. He approaches his lane as both lanes left and right watch him make his entrance)

(CUEUP: Symphony of Destruction by Megadeth)

(Quick video shots of Seven Ten bowling strikes)

BIRTHDAY BOY RYAN: WOW, he is awesome!

(Quick video shot of Seven Ten ordering a pitcher of beer for himself then a shot of him bowling a strike)

PARENT ON LANE 28: Who does this guy think he is?

(Quick video shot of Seven Ten drinking beer, bowling a strike, then walking over to birthday boy Ryan stealing his birthday crown and placing it over his own head)

SEVEN TEN: HOW ABOUT THE HUUUH? WANT SOME OF THAT STRIKE? COME TRY SOME! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!

(Quick video shot Seven Ten drinking out of the pitcher, then another rolled strike. Teenagers on lane thirty could careless about the sport of bowling. Seven Ten begins to dance over to their lane, two stepping and snapping his fingers. Getting their attention he places one leg up on the ball return and begins starring at the teenagers with a thrust in and out with his waist)

MALE TEENAGER: This dude is crazy.

(Camera pans over to a parent on lane twenty eight)

MALE PARENT: I have to stop this right away.

(Another video shot of Seven Ten bowling another strike, another game. Parent approaches him finally)

MALE PARENT: Who do you think you are? This is a family establishment and what your doing is not allowed here. Especially in front of my son.

(Seven Ten then places the unlit cigarette from behind his head in his mouth. He slowly sits down and speaks with the parent)

SEVEN TEN: Do you know that Walter Ray holds forty five career titles in the PBA? Do you know I like to throw a straight shot at the pocket on and over the second arrow? No you don't. You know what else sir? Something that really really irritates the most besides Walter Ray. The LVW title is not in my trophy case.

(Seven Ten then sits forward in the seat and places both hands over his head looking down)

SEVEN TEN: Cowboys are considered the ideal american figure to the public but not in my world of bowling. You can't show up packing a colt forty five revolver or a double barrel shotgun. Bill Bellmoth, just a mere two fingered bowler which doesn't count in my world. It doesn't. Now, dad if you excuse me, I must rest my arm after putting on a bowling display in front of your family. Was there something you wanted to tell me?

MALE PARENT: Uhhhhhhmmmm, no. Just wanted to say great bowling!!

(Male parent reunites quickly with the rest of the parents as Seven Ten packs his balls up. As he is walking out he looks over to all the parents of the kids on lane twenty eight and looks over to the teenagers on lane thirty)

SEVEN TEN: I hated my father.......and I hate Walter Ray.

(Seven Ten fades off as the parents look confused and disgusted. But one of the teenagers on lane thirty dig with what he says)

MALE TEENAGER: WOOOOOO, I HATE MY FATHER TOO!

(FADEOUT)

 

[PaulNJ21]

Coming up Short



::Aaron Roddick is in the living room, intensely watching Viking porn featuring Olvir Arsvinnar when “The Captain” David Richter enters the room::

RICHTER: Whoa. Studying footage of Olvir for me for my match?

RODDICK: ::startled, jumps up:: Jesus Christ, let me know when you enter the room for pete sake.

RICHTER: I still don't understand how studying his porn will help me find his weaknesses for our match at Snake Eyes.

RODDICK: Being a great porn incorporates a lot of what makes up a great wrestler, endurance, strength, working on your look, and shaping yourself into the overall total package.

RICHTER: The man has been successful, I'll give him that. He has been a star in two professions. Although I don't know how he can be such a star with such a small member between his legs, he isn't even normal size.

RODDICK: It is all about knowing... wait, what the hell do you mean he is small?

RICHTER: Bro, he is only like a foot long. That is freaking embarrassing. I was bigger than that before I was thirteen.

RODDICK: I don't know if you've noticed in all the locker rooms we've been in but that isn't below normal.

RICHTER: Really? Well, I've always been kind of shy. Okay, fine, he is normal length.

RODDICK: …. no...

RICHTER: Lets forget that for a second. How can Olvir be serious about wrestling if spends half his time doing porn and the other half doing wrestling? When you are splitting your time, you aren't giving 100% to either.

RODDICK: He wants to be a man of the world.

RICHTER: Let him be a man of the world, I want to be LVW World Heavyweight Champion so I have to win the Strip Championship and defend it three times to get my shot at J1D. Where in the blue blazes is that Olvir's dedication? Who busts their behind more than I do week in and week out?

RODDICK: Nobody is ever going to argue that you don't work hard. Hell, sometimes you even come in overtrained to the point where you start to burn yourself out.

RICHTER: I'm going to teach short dick a lesson, I'm going to win that damn bracelet and then I'm going to reach in and to pull Olvir's head out of his behind and next time he is going to take out match up more serious.

::Richter lifts up his fist and Roddick fist bumps him::

FTB

 

[RStrawsma]

Valhalla Productions 009 - Las Vegas Strip Club Champion

(We open up with a long, glamorous shot of the Las Vegas strip in all of its bright, multi-colored glory. The camera tracks in as it catches a cab pulling up to the curb. Stepping out is LVW employee IGGY DORKJANKER, who awkwardly hands the driver a twenty dollar bill.)

Cab Driver
The fare's twenty-two bucks.

Iggy Dorkjanker
Thanks, man. Keep the change.

Cab Driver
...assh*le...

(The cab speeds off before Dorkjanker can get both feet set on the pavement, sending the light-weight talent representative tumbling to the asphalt. He's left groaning in pain while lying on his back on the unforgiving sidewalk, where various strip visitors walk over him as if he were just part of the scenery.)

VALHALLA PRODUCTION COMPANY​

Presents​

(Boisterous tell-tale laughter brings Iggy to, and he comes to his feet, dusting himself off as his eyes find the massive DRAGON SHIP parked just up the road.)

Iggy Dorkjanker
Finally...

(The talent rep jogs up to the plank lowered down to the sidewalk just as a massive, axe-toting VIKING comes bounding down to his level, booming with thunderous laughter. His wild eyes find the smaller Dorkjanker and the smile on his face nearly widens ear to ear.)

Olvir Arsvinnar
IGNATIUS THE SCRAWNY!! A most NOBLE sight to see your meager hide on this DEBAUCHEROUS mission!

OLVIR ARSVINNAR​

In​

Iggy Dorkjanker
Dang, Olvir, you don't know how hard it was to track you down. The guys at Valhalla said you were taking the day off for some sort of special training. So what's up? Where are we, anyway?

Olvir Arsvinnar
HA HA HA HA!! See for YOURSELF, puny Yanker of Dorks!

(For the first time, Iggy takes a look at the large marquee hanging over the building that the crazed Viking has landed his ship. It reads, "THE HONEYPOT: Live Nude Girls Inside!" The color in the LVW talent rep's face leaves for a moment then comes back all at once in a full-out blush.)

Iggy Dorkjanker
Wha... HUH?!

"LAS VEGAS STRIP CLUB CHAMPION"​

​

Iggy Dorkjanker
You came to a STRIP CLUB?! I mean... I guess that's not surprising that you'd come here, but I don't see in any way how a visit here could prepare you for the challenge that awaits you at LVW's upcoming Snake Eyes event.

Olvir Arsvinnar
OF COURSE you cannot see, puny Dork-Yanker! You do not share the INFINITE and ALL-SEEING VISION of the Great Olvir!

Obviously, you know well of the VICTORY that awaits me at the glorious gladitorial event, named for the RED GLOWING EYES of the WORLD SERPENT, JORMUNGANDR!! When that night comes, the GREAT OLVIR shall CONQUER the foe that stands in his way, and proclaim himself the Las Vegas Wrestling Champion of STRIPPING!!

Iggy Dorkjanker
...stripping? Wait, Olvir, I think you're confused...

Olvir Arsvinnar
Nay, YOU are the one who is confused, simple-minded Ignatius! Though I was ENRAGED to have missed my chance to proclaim myself the champion of the ENTIRE KNOWN WORLD, this bountiful opportunity INTRIGUES me in the ways only a fine, scrumptious ARSE on a supple young lass would!

COME, Dork-Yanker! We shall see more inside!

Iggy Dorkjanker
Uh, I think I left my ID at home, so--ULP~!!

(Iggy's protests are cut short as Olvir's MASSIVE hand takes a handful of his shirt and the Viking drags him into the gentlemen's club.)

(Inside is what you'd imagine your typical strip club looks like: dim lighting and loud techno music. And boobs. Round, large, bouncy, fake boobs everywhere the eye can see. The towering Olvir enters this scene with a proud smirk upon his face as his eyes scan the room and the talent on stage. A red-faced Iggy appears up beside him, also looking at everything around him, but without the Viking's confidence.)

Olvir Arsvinnar
Feast your eyes upon this BEAUTIFUL spectacle!

(Iggy stands agape of a stacked blonde doing the splits while dangling upside down on a brass pole. Olvir, evidently bothered by his lack of an answer, grabs his head in his small hands and SQUEEZES until his eyes nearly bulge out of their sockets!)

Olvir Arsvinnar
FEAST!! FFFEEEAAAASSSTT!!!

Iggy Dorkjanker
I'M FEASTING, OLVIR! LET GO OF MY HEAD!

Olvir Arsvinnar
HA HA HA HA!!

(Arsvinnar releases the smaller man's head, the size of a small melon in his giant hands. The LVW talent rep wavers back and forth on his feet for a moment as he tries to get the blood flowing to his brain again.)

Olvir Arsvinnar
Such a NOBLE art these fine maidens have perfected! WATCH how they contort themselves in such ways that they may easily HYPNOTIZE the untrained eye!

To think that I am on the verge of being CHAMPION of all this! PROUDLY, I would bear the title to represent these fine MAIDENS who, without FEAR or REGRET, expose their blessed forms as a sign of their INDEPENDENT WILL!! These proud women SCREAM for the MIGHTY LOINS that await them!

Iggy Dorkjanker
Olvir, thanks for putting the door guy through the wall and getting me in, but I think you've got the wrong idea about the Strip Championship...

Olvir Arsvinnar
Let us savor a CLOSER LOOK, Dork-Yanker! Perhaps it will put FINE HAIRS on your chest! HA HA HA HA!!

(With protest pretty much out of the picture, Iggy is led up to the stage, where the two get a front row seat of the club's main attraction, consisting of a lovely trio of fine proportions. The lecherous Norseman obviously likes what he sees.)

Olvir Arsvinnar
MOST GRACIOUS WENCHES!! Your FLAWLESS FORMS fill the Great Olvir with a sensation of UNYIELDING PLEASURE!! It would be an HONOR to serve under the grace of such BOUNTIFUL SIRENS!!

Iggy Dorkjanker
Olvir, you're not listening to me...

Olvir Arsvinnar
BAH! What is the USE of listening at a time like this! You should be WATCHING, puny Ignatius!

Iggy Dorkjanker
Oh, believe me, I am watching everything, and I like what I see, but... I don't quite think that this is what LVW had in mind when they formed the Strip Championship. On top of that, I fail to see how this prepares you in your match against "The Captain" David Richter.

Olvir Arsvinnar
HMPH!! Then what DID the Gods of Las Vegas have in mind for such a noble title?!

Iggy Dorkjanker
Well--

(A tap on his shoulder catches his attention, and he turns around only to find his nose inches away from a tight set of cleavage. He looks up and into the face of the scantily-clad entertainer that has approached him, and recognizes the face.)

Dancer
Hey, stud... you interested in a little personal time in the back?

Iggy Dorkjanker
Pixie?! I didn't know you worked here.

Dancer
Huh? Oh, you mistook me for my sister...

Iggy Dorkjanker
Oh, sorry Trixie.

Dancer
No, I'm Dixie.

Iggy Dorkjanker
DIXIE?! How many of you are there??!

(Thoughtfully, the triplet of Olvir's feature porn actresses looks up.)

Dixie the Dancer
You know, I can't really recall correctly. There's a lot, and I do know that. So what do you say, Big Boy? You and me in the back?

Iggy Dorkjanker
Oh man... that'd be, uh... that'd be AWESOME. But, well... I kinda forgot my wallet at home, so I'm a tad strapped for cash...

(Getting the picture, Dixie rolls her eyes and is about to leave. Iggy sees his opportunity for a lapdance he'll never forget slipping through his fingers and quickly chases her down.)

Iggy Dorkjanker
Whoa whoa, wait a second! Just because I don't have cash on hand doesn't mean I have ways of paying for your, uh... "service."

Dixie the Dancer
Well, buddy, that's too bad, because I'm only interested in cash. But just out of curiosity, what do you have to offer?

(A smile forms on Iggy's face and, in a rare moment, he straightens himself up with an unusual air of confidence.)

Iggy Dorkjanker
Well... I just happen to be the inside man for a certain VIP citizen of Las Vegas! Perhaps you've heard the name... OLVIR ARSVINNAR?

(Her eyes pop open in immediate recognition.)

Dixie the Dancer
Oh man, you mean THE Olvir?! My sisters talk about him all the time, but I've never actually had the chance to MEET the legendary Butt-Dominator in the flesh! Is it true what they say then? Is he really RIDICULOUSLY hung?

(The talent rep scoffs a bit.)

Iggy Dorkjanker
Well... some might brag that it isn't anything special, but... you've seen the videos yourself. Olvir's got the package every woman wants.

Dixie the Dancer
Dang... I'd leave this hellhole in an INSTANT to be in one of his films! Pixie and Trixie always told me there was no way to get me in... but you can help me out?

Iggy Dorkjanker
Help you? Baby, I can introduce him to you right now, if you'd like!

Dixie the Dancer
Kid, I promise you... I will f*ck you in the back in ways you never thought imaginable if you me get a job at Valhalla Studios.

(Iggy's smile suddenly disappears when he realizes what's at stake.)

Iggy Dorkjanker
FF... FFF...

Dixie the Dancer
Yeah, you heard me right.

Iggy Dorkjanker
...uh... oh man, this is AWESOME!! One sec, let me get him real quick!

Hey, OLVIR!!

(Iggy turns back to the stage, only to find his host surprisingly missing.)

Iggy Dorkjanker
WHAT? Where did he go now?!

(The talent rep briefly scans the room to fruitless results, until POMPOUS LAUGHTER directs his attention to the stage.)

Olvir Arsvinnar
HA HA HA HA!!

(There amid the finest dancers the Honey Pot has to offer is OLVIR ARSVINNAR, standing in the very middle of the stage as naked women dance seductively around him. Olvir himself breaks down into a groove in ways that make one wonder if he isn't actually internet sensation TechnoViking.)

Olvir Arsvinnar
COME, lusty wenches!! The GREAT OLVIR will give you a REAL POLE to DANCE ON!! HA HA HA HA!!!

(Caught up in the moment, Olvir makes the one deadly error that no man should make in a strip club, and grabs a handful of one woman's ass. She immediately YELPS in surprise and tries to free herself from his grip, but his ironclad fingers CLENCH her supple buttocks without mercy! The bouncer on duty, seeing what's up, steps onto the stage and grabs the towering Viking by the shoulder.)

Bouncer
Hey pal, we got a "no touching" rule here...

Olvir Arsvinnar
As do I! HOO-HAA!!

(Without warning, Olvir SEIZES the bouncer's hand and FLINGS HIM EFFORTLESSLY over his shoulder!! CRASSSH!! He collides with the mirror on the wall behind the DJ booth, breaking it into thousands of glittering pieces! The act sends the girls into a PANIC, and at once they scatter while the patrons clear the building. Seeing trouble brewing, Iggy jumps onto the stage to stop him.)

Iggy Dorkjanker
Olvir, have you gone crazy?! You can't--

Olvir Arsvinnar
HA!!

(WHAM!! Reacting more by instinct than logic, Olvir BURIES HIS FIST into the face of poor Iggy Dorkjanker, who hits the stage like a ton of bricks. From seemingly nowhere, Olvir draws his MIGHTY BATTLE AXE and gets a wild look in his eyes.)

Olvir Arsvinnar
HA HA HA HA!! RUN AWAY from you CHAMPION if you must, bountiful maidens! The Great Olvir LOVES a good chase!!

HA HA HA HA!!!

(Olvir LUNGES off the stage and into a pile of heavyset bouncers who have come in to break up the tumult...)

(...we cut outside as the panic suddenly spills out onto the streets. Women clad in only thongs come screaming out the front doors and running further down the Las Vegas strip in random directions, until finally, the doors come bursting off their HINGES as the lifeless bodies of a pair of ill-fated club bouncers come hurtling out onto the sidewalk. Stepping out onto the streets of Las Vegas, axe clenched in one hand and a bouquet of bikini tops in the other, emerges "The Butt-Dominator" Olvir Arsvinnar with a proud grin stretched upon his face.)

Olvir Arsvinnar
HA HA HA HA!! Odin has blessed me with VICTORY once again! LOOK NOW, people of Las Vegas, upon the CONQUEROR of the STRIP CLUB!!

(With another THUNDEROUS PEAL OF GLORIOUS LAUGHTER, the Great Olvir HOISTS his trophy into the air... to practically no response from the passers by on the strip. Suddenly coming out from the destroyed doors of the strip club is a dazed and bruised-faced Iggy Dorkjanker. Iggy shakes the pain out of his face and comes to the wrathful Viking's side.)

Iggy Dorkjanker
Dangit, Olvir... that was my face you hit in there!

Olvir Arsvinnar
BAH!! A TRUE VIKING would LAUGH BOISTEROUSLY to a simple blow to the face! It is time for you to BUCK UP, man!

Iggy Dorkjanker
I told you, Olvir, I'm trying, but you live a vigorous lifestyle, and I can't keep up!

And I keep trying to tell you, you're not fighting to become the champion of the strip club!

(For the first time since his rampage began, Olvir hesitates.)

Olvir Arsvinnar
What is THIS you speak of?! The Great Olvir was informed he would fight for the Las Vegas Wrestling Strip Championship!

Iggy Dorkjanker
That's right, but they weren't talking about strippers. It's a reference to the Las Vegas Strip... I mean, what we're standing on now.

Olvir Arsvinnar
So... I'm not going to be the champion of the strippers?

Iggy Dorkjanker
Not quite.

(A new emotion fills the Great Olvir's mind: rage.)

Olvir Arsvinnar
WHAT INSOLENCE!! The Great Olvir's ASPIRATIONS have just been SHATTERED!! WHAT, I ask, does my GREATNESS need with a measley piece of ROAD!!

Iggy Dorkjanker
Well, think of it this way, Olvir... you're still sort of the champion of the strip clubs in town. Along with that, you're the champion of every hotel, resort, casino, and attraction this road has to offer.

(Put this way, the Great Olvir seems intrigued.)

Olvir Arsvinnar
Yes... YES!! You are MOST WISE, if not FEEBLE, meager Ignatius! In conquering the STRIP we stand on, I will take my first step in my ultimate goal of conquering THE ENTIRE WORLD!!

Iggy Dorkjanker
A feat that's not beyond impossible, I might add. Two successful defenses with the Strip Title, and you've got a shot at the LVW WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP. Three wins, and you decide the stips.

Olvir Arsvinnar
WELL THEN!! That is comforting to know! All that stands in my way then is a mere MAN... a so-called CAPTAIN of his own vessel!

I suppose I should treat him with RESPECT, since he is a sea-farer, and as such, MUST know of the great accomplishments in nautical travel achieved by the Vikings! Though he stands in my way to RULE this brilliant kingdom of lights, I shall smite him HONORABLY, so that he might retain his PRIDE!!

But out of curiosity, what did he say about my acclaimed GREATNESS!

Iggy Dorkjanker
Well, long story short, he doesn't think you dedicate yourself enough to kicking ass...

...and that you have a tiny d*ck.

...

...Olvir?

Olvir Arsvinnar
GGRRRREEEAAAARRRRRGGGHHHHH!!!!!

(SSSMMMAASSSSHHH!!! With rage that cannot be described in words, Olvir brings down the mighty battle axe down upon the concrete sidewalk, nearly CLEAVING IT IN TWO and burying the blade of his weapon almost down to the hilt!)

Olvir Arsvinnar
THE FOOLISH BLASPHEMER!! I WILL DECAPITATE HIM!! I WILL DRINK HIS WEAKLING'S BLOOD, AND CAST HIM STRAIGHT TO THE LAND OF THE GLOOMY WITH MY RIGHTEOUS HAND!! THEN WHEN HE IS GONE, I WILL FIND EVERY WOMAN HE HAS EVER KNOWN IN HIS LIFE, AND DOMINATE THEIR ARSES TO THE POINT WHERE ANY MEMORY OF HIS FEEBLE, FLACCID, AND PUNY LOINS IS CAST OFF INTO THE ENDLESS VOID!!

Iggy Dorkjanker
Whoa, buddy... looks like you're amped and ready to go for Snake Eyes after all.

(The talent rep suddenly notices someone else emerging from the cleared out strip club... that being a perplexed Dixie.)

Iggy Dorkjanker
OH RIGHT.

(Iggy takes her by the arm and leads her into the presence of the furious Viking. She's blown away by the very sight of him.)

Dixie the Dancer
Oh man, I'm just blown away right now! You're even bigger than I imagined!

Iggy Dorkjanker
Check this out, Olvir... I found another one of Pixie's sisters! She wants a part in one of her films. Think you can help her out?

(Olvir, for the moment, puts his anger in check as he sees the curvacious woman brought before him.)

Olvir Arsvinnar
A sister of the fine maiden PIXIE, you say?! What LUCK!!

(Without warning, Olvir hoists her onto his shoulder.)

Olvir Arsvinnar
Might as well not make it a wasted trip. HA HA HA HA!!!

(With his prize in hand, Olvir bounds up the plank of his dragon ship and takes his claim below deck. Iggy looks lost.)

Iggy Dorkjanker
But... BUT... she said she'd... ff... FF...

...damnit!

(In frustration, Iggy kicks the sidewalk and wanders off as the dragon boat begins to rock back and forther. Cut to black.)

 

[LQJT86C]

Re: Knuckles Vs Dakota

(CUTTO: J1D in front of the Palm Resorts and Casino, barefoot and shirtless, wearing his LVW Championship Belt around his board shorts. In his hands, he's holding a huge surf board)

J1D: Alright I totally don't mean to rag on you two dudes, but I rendezvous'd with some gnarley crowdspeople today, and instead of talkin about how wicked sick my spinner belt looks, they just told me how bummed they were that you two lazy sloths didn't even cut any promos or nothing! BRAH- do you think you're too good to let the dudes and dudettes of the Vegas strip know your feelings on the match? I hate to be a total dick about this, but if one of you assclowns doesn't cut a promo soon and give the good people what they crave, I'm gonna chew your air time up like some 7-11 burrito grindage...A-K-A, pass out south Indian sativa bud to the crowd while you bros put on borefest 2009 in the ring J1D built! 'Cause the way this dude sees it, the bro-dacious LV-Dub fans could hallucinate and see a better match than what you two buttwipes are preparing to give them. AND THIS DUDE WILL NOT STAND FOR THE DISRESPECTING OF HIS FANS! The fans made me what I am, and if you just got off your lazy fat tarkasses and did promos for them, they might make you into something too!

(FADEOUT)