RP Museum (Old RP)

[TSiegel]

Re: King Of Las Vegas Tournament (3 RP Max)

(Fadein on the Las Vegas House of Blues as the camera pans out toward the glass entrance doors from the inside as a cute and petite host giggles as she shuffles up to the door to open it, a man dressed in black Wranglers, a dark blue Carson City Retro Western shirt with a bolo tie and a black Cowboy hat and matching Oakley shades as he calls to her like a pet.)

H: Mister Mateo!!! I barely know you and you've only been in Las Vegas TWENTY MINUTES!!! You don't have to be at the venue for another two weeks...what's the hurry, don'tcha wanna tour the City for afew days??

EM: Honeh...when yer comin' from an ar'a that ah'm low-cated in, an' yer show'n up in a city this perdy...yer allnly thought that yer havin' is ta' get bidness out tha' way so ya can do what realeh' matters when ah'm beatin' the tar outta mo-rons that don't quite get tha' picture.

H: And just what might that be??

(Mateo motions for the host to come closer so that he could whisper inaudibly into her ear. In doing so, her look of intent turns to that of incredulity to finally blatant blushing as she giggles again. Mateo leans back against a counter as he beams with pride.)

H: That long??

EM: It ain't like ah'm goin' fer eight seconds honeh, but then ah-gain there's ah-lot o' buckin' involved if ya catch mah' drift. Meanwhile if ya can get meh a bud light, ah'd be much obliged to ya...

(Mateo slaps the host on the rearend as well and tips his hat with his finger in Gentlemenly fashion as he looks around at the concert area where LVW will take place. Walking around he notices a poster promoting the event with Triple Threat match for the LVW Championship title as well as the event that he's involved in, the "King Of Las Vegas" Tournament.)

EM: It's been quite ah-while since ah've been 'round these parts. In fact, ah must admit...some o' you people might not even 'member me, an' tha's okay. Back in tha' day befer' El-Vee-Dubya decided to take an unexpected vacation ah signed ah contrac' with this com'ney an' even did perdy well when ah won tha El-Vee-Dub Las Vegas title.

But 'den dey went away an' ah' was out o'-ah job.

Good thing ya can still get reception in some places, even out on ah ranch.

Now look whos' back an' lookin' fer better paychecks den what mah bar could make on "Margarita Mondays"??

An' ah'm startin' off right back where ah was tha' last time ah was her':

Lookin' to become tha "King of Las Vegas".

But to do that, ah gotta beat three o' the ugliest mugs ah've never seen in mah-life, an' tha' ain't no eas' task.

One o' 'em is ah Captain. Fac' is that ah've been 'round mil'tary bases an' ah've seen what they do, so ah'm gon' be straight as tha path ah bull goes after an' say this: I find out tha' yer callin' yerself a Cap'n an' ah don' see tha' shiny jew'ry they allsways hav' with 'em....then ah promise ya ah'm gon' have more than just a shot at tha El-Vee-Dubya Champeen when they call meh tha "King Of Las Vegas", if ya know what ah mean.

Nex' man that appears on tha ol' radar is some guy that sounds like he likes he likes to fight...an' if ya know ol' Erik than ya know just how much he loves to fight. "Knuckles" was it?? Ah'm gon' tell ya now...it takes more than a nickname to impress ol' Erik. Ah hope fer yer sake if ya win, that you can back it up 'cause if you can't...it's nothin' but a long night ahead.

Then there's tha guy who's name ah can' even prenounce...Elvira--no...Oil o' Olay...no...that ain' it either...hell, forget it, it's never formal to begin with. Word is that yer some kin' Rushan tub o' Goo facin' some o' guy name' "Super Spaz" or somethin'. Like ah just said 'bout "Knuckles"...Ah's love to fight an' tha' allnly ah-bit more than ah love to drink Vodka, so when dis all over with it sounds like we can might share somethin' else in common. But first is first.

An' that brings meh to the man Ah'm takin' on first, some kid who calls himself "The Spanyard". Now. ah got to admit that's bold, an' it takes a man with real cajones to represent somethin' like tha Spain-ish so ah'll put it this way: Ah like ya boy...yer crazy, but ah like ya.

But there's only room fer one man not jus' to win but to win three times in one night. An' frankly ah jus' don't think you have it in ya to pull it off. Now that might sound abit brash fer me to say to ya, 'specially since ah don' know none o' ya to begin with.

But taken from a man who's ah proven winner 'round these parts...it might be worth taken with more than a grain o' salt.

(Mateo rips the poster off the wall and crumples it up into a ball and tosses it off to the side just next to a garbage area. The female host from earlier comes back with Mateo's beer and bends over to pick it up conveniently in front of Mateo as he takes in a deep breath and sighs at the sight of her rearend while she properly disposes of it. She turns to Mateo and hands him the beer as he makes a sudden jerk of his vision from her lower region to looking her right in the eyes from before.)

H: Did you get a chance to see the view yet, Mister Mateo??

EM: You betcha sweet bippy ah did, Honeh.

H: Bippy??

EM: Well alright...(Mateo takes her by the hand and puts down the beer bottle.)..but if ah don' git another cold one when we're done...ah'm not gon' be a happy camper, if you know what ah mean.

(Mateo heads for the area marked "RESTROOMS" in neon with the host following close behind and flailing about as she rubs her jaw a minute before going into the bathroom behind him.)

FADEOUT

 

[LQJT86C]

Re: LVW Championship Match

(FADEIN: Outside of a ticket box office, a large group of fans are yelling, cheering, holding up signs. In front of them is J1D, holding the LVW Championship belt in his hand. People have their arms around him, others are shaking his shoulders, and some are even pointing to his belt. J1D has to shout over all the commotion)

J1D: I'm hangin' where it all starts, brah- we're talkin' mondo grass roots action going on here! Shyyyaahhh! HEY DUDES! (looks over his shoulder at people lined up for tickets) YEAH, YOU DUDES OVER THERE! TELL TICKETMASTER THEY CAN LICK MY NADS, CAUSE YOUR STUBS ARE ON ME, BRAH! LVW brass said they'd comp my friends and family, and that's what this is all about RIGHT HERE, Bropoleon Brolaparte!

So what're Born Again and 7-10 doing to prepare, I PRAY-TELL?! Probably a bunch of bogus crap like conning people into giving Jesus their money, or conjuring wicked plots against yours truly! Hey man, I've got nothin' against Jesus, I think he's way gnarley. But to be honest, I like Buddha much better 'cause he's already rich...SHYAH! Dude's got bags of money lying around his pad! So he's never gotta ask for mine, plus he knows I need it for gnarley 7-11 grindage such as microwavable bean burritos and thirty-two ounce slurpees! KILLER!

Today though, I'm letting all you LVW dudes and dudettes take a sneak peak at how I prepare...and isn't it totally obvious? (Turns to crowd) I'M OUT HERE HANGIN' WITH THE PEOPLE THAT PAY MY SALARY!

(Crowd POPS!)

Take a good look...you can't scam that kinda energy! You can't plot that! You can't double-team that...not THAT...not now, and not EVER! And definitely that includes Showdown, my good man! Shyah, you two boneheads are in for a rude awakening when I come armed and ready with the support of THIS CROWD! (POP!)

The two terd-wipes I'm defending this belt against wouldn't know anything about these people, and hey, it's cool brah, 'cause they're not paying to see you. There's JUST ONE reason they come to the shows, JUST ONE reason they watch on TV, and hey man...there's JUST ONE DUDE they scream out their lungs for till' the guy sittin' in front of them's lobes bleed...

And when I ride that awesome wave out of the arena at Showdown, when it's all said, done, and spoken for...you'll know there's JUST ONE DUDE who's worthy enough to entertain these people in the main event on a weekly basis, holdin' this belt sky high EACH and EVERY time I do it...

(Turns to the crowd) AND WHO'S THAT DUDE?!

CROWD: JAY-ONE-DEE! JAY-ONE-DEE! JAY-ONE-DEE! JAY-ONE-DEE!

J1D: HELL YEAH, DUNKIN BRONUTS! It's me, and ONLY me! And if you don't believe it now, wait till Showdown and BELIEVE IT THEN! Born Again? 7-10? Whoever, whatever, whenever...the names on the card change, but the one on the belt stays the same...

CROWD: JAY-ONE-DEE! JAY-ONE-DEE! JAY-ONE-DEE! JAY-ONE-DEE!

J1D: TOTALLY! Just one dude looking for adventure, yet totally willing to party along the way!

(FADEOUT)

 

[RStrawsma]

Valhalla Productions 012 - It's Good To Be The Vi-King

(Fade in on the streets of Las Vegas. It’s any other scene you’d expect to see on any other day in “The Entertainment Capital of the World”: a family unit of Midwestern tourists—mom, pop, junior, the barely legal jailbait teenage daughter, and perhaps a handful of braincells among them—stand grinning behind cameras and snapping off shots left and right with their digital camera. Their focus lies on one of the Elvis impersonators roaming the streets, obliging the shutter-bugs with one of the King’s iconic poses.)

Elvis Impersonator
Well thank ya! Thank ya very much!

VALHALLA PRODUCTION COMPANY​

Presents​

(Mom and pop exchange the kind of glance that tells you it doesn’t take much to humor them. Junior’s got a finger in his nose buried up to the knuckle, gaping at the character actor with only the vaguest sense of recognition or interest. The daughter is making her best attempt to remain anonymous, her attention taken up by the forum of text conversations on her iPhone.)

(Then a booming voice can be heard calling out…)

“HA HA!! THERE YOU ARE, phony KING of LAS VEG-ASS!!”

OLVIR ARSVINNAR​

In​

(“Elvis” freezes in place and slowly turns around. When he sees the person who called him out, he goes WHITE with panic! The camera looks up the road, and standing there BOLDLY with his hands on his hips is “THE BUTT-DOMINATOR” OLVIR ARSVINNAR!)

Olvir Arsvinnar
Did you really BELIEVE you had seen the LAST of my GREATNESS?!

"IT’S GOOD TO BE THE VI-KING"​

​

(The tourists seem fairly confused, but the Elvis impersonator acts as though he immediately recognizes the Viking pornstar wrestling sensation, and reacts in sheer terror!)

Elvis Impersonator
Oh no, baby, NOT YOU AGAIN!!

(Before “the King” can even whip out his Kung Faux stance, the Norsemen is UPON him! Olvir takes two big handfuls of the glossy white collar on the impersonator’s official Elvis suit and lefts him nearly a FOOT off the sidewalk! The family looks on in AMAZEMENT… though the daughter’s attention seems to be elsewhere.)

Olvir Arsvinnar
HA!! You can always expect the GREAT OLVIR to COME more than ONCE!!

HA HA HA HA!!

(We can only assume that this must have been one of the many Elvis impersonators that brawled with the Great Olvir in his promos during the first rendition of Las Vegas Wrestling. By the look on his face, that day is still very clear in his head… when he and other Elvis clones felt the WRATH of the biggest sex icon to hit the globe since Presley himself.)

Elvis Impersonator
Look, bubba… the King don’t want any more trouble now!

Olvir Arsvinnar
HA! There is ALWAYS trouble when the GREAT OLVIR is ABOUND, foolish IMPOSTER!

I come to deliver a MESSAGE to you, phony King!

Elvis Impersonator
…a message?

Olvir Arsvinnar
YES!! Only the BOLDEST and MOST POMPOUS of PROCLAMATIONS!! It goes as follows…

Your time upon the THRONE of this fair OASIS is near an END, false King… and I shall be the one to USURP YOU!!

Elvis Impersonator
…bubba, I don’t know what the HELL you’re talkin’ about!

Olvir Arsvinnar
HA! Of COURSE you would be COWARDLY ENOUGH to proclaim IGNORANCE! I will REFRESH your flabby and insect-like memory…

At Las Veg-Ass Wrestling’s glorious SHOWDOWN ON THE STRIP… my GREATNESS will grace the “KING OF LAS VEG-ASS TOURNAMENT!”

On that night, I shall CONQUER the seven other FOOLS that are so bold as to THINK they can attain SUCH an honor as being royalty… and as I stand TALL and MIGHTY at the end of my EPIC BATTLE, I WILL BE THE ONE they call “KING!”

(Like the last time, when he was mistaken for the actual Elvis Aaron Presley of LVW fame, the impersonator looks into the eyes of the Viking with sheer disbelief.)

Elvis Impersonator
“King of Las Vegas??”

Bubba, I don’t know WHAT planet you’re from, but I think there’s some sort of mistake here…

(Olvir sets him down, looking a tad irked to have been met with confusion instead of outright dread from his supposed foe.)

Olvir Arsvinnar
BAH! You DOUBT me, DO YOU??

But tell ME, foolish imposter… just WHO in that tournament is MIGHTIER than MY Greatness?!

ERIK THE MATEO?! HA!!

Just another MEAGER IMPOSTER, like you… only choosing to imitate instead the GLORY and STYLE of the great YAMES DONOVAN!! The FOOL believes me to be some sort of FAT EASTERN NOMAD!!

HMPH!! Should he SURVIVE long enough to meet ME in that glorious tournament, I will DECAPITATE HIM for such an INGLORIOUS INSULT!!

Elvis Impersonator
…yeah, but—

Olvir Arsvinnar
Or do you think the traitorous MALONE of the KNUCKLES to be STRONGER than MYSELF?! BAH!!

I offered him a NOBLE PLACE beside me upon the field of BATTLE, but the DEVIOUS KNAVE stabbed my GREATNESS in the back! It’s like COCKBLOCKING your ALLY by choosing not to pull out while DOUBLE-TEAMING a most NOBLE ARSE!!

But NOW I know the coward for who he REALLY is! It seems as though his MALONE of the KNUCKLES cannot rightly FELL his opponent unless they are unaware of his coming! Should he come to face ME in the great tournament, he’ll have NO CHOICE but to stand true and face the WRATH of a VENGEFUL VIKING!!

Elvis Impersonator
…but I don’t—

Olvir Arsvinnar
AH!! And SPEAKING of VENGEANCE… I haven’t soon forgotten about that treacherous CAPTAIN!!

For TWO MOONS, that COWARD has evaded my MIGHTY CLUTCHES… and I have not SOON forgotten the nefarious ways of his EMPIRE!! But YUSTICE will FINALLY come to him at the SHOWDOWN on the STRIP!!

DECAPITATION is not good enough for him… FLAYING is not good enough for him… NO, only the DAMNATION OF THE GODS IN VALHALLA is WORTHY of such a nefarious COWARD and THIEF!!

When I FINALLY have him ALONE in the ring… there will be NOWHERE for him to RUN from MY GREATNESS!! And, before the night is done, a KING will have CONQUERED an EMPIRE!!

(Olvir TRIUMPHANTLY pumps his arms into the air!)

Olvir Arsvinnar
And there is NOTHING YOU CAN DO, phony king! Nothing but DREAD the end of your WEAK and PHONY REIGN!!

In time, I shall hold aloft the THICK, MIGHTY ROD and bear the crown… and YOU will call ME “The GREAT VIKING KING of LAS VEG-ASS!!”

Elvis Impersonator
Now listen here… I don’t know a DAMN thing you’re babblin’ about! Elvis Presley ain’t no “King of Las Vegas” or anything like that; he’s the King of Rock and ROLL, baby!

Olvir Arsvinnar
…you speak the truth?

Elvis Impersonator
Ain’t nothin’ BUT the truth, bubba! I moved up to royalty shakin’ these here HIPS on national tee-vee and leavin’ all the little girls blushin’!

I don’t know nothin’ ‘bout no damb wrasslin’ business! The King is a MUSICIAN and ENTERTAINER, my friend!

Olvir Arsvinnar
Ah, I SEE…

Then this CITY is NOT your kingdom! It is completely FREE FOR THE TAKING!!

HA HA!! There is NO BETTER FEELING that to PILLAGE a VIRGIN CITY!!

As for YOU, phony King of the Rolling Rocks… take your meager STONES and FLAPPY HIPS elsewhere! Your LIFE is spared for today…

Elvis Impersonator
Thank ya. Thank ya very mu—

Olvir Arsvinnar
HA!!

(Without warning, Olvir steps up and GORILLA PRESSES the Elvis impersonator, effortlessly CHUCKING HIM into the side of a casino! In a single fluid motion, he BURIES HIS FIST into the tourist dad’s face, and he flies violently out of the frame. His wife SQUEALS in terror! Finally, the Viking sweeps the daughter off her feet, sending the iPhone flying carelessly into the air, and bounds off to lay claim to his spoils. Fade to black.)

 

[BarryClarkJr]

Renaming 7-11 to 7-10

(Camera opens up to some hotel in Vegas as Michael the aspiring college film maker is standing in front of cheap LVW banner pinned up on a wall)

MICHAEL: It's often been discussed where pro bowlers go after the spotlight fades. Do they reside in the where are they now file? Or do they have a modest career on the legends circuit. But what would happen if a legend were reinvented to such a degree, he would become a champion wrestler. What would it take? A genius? A madman? A puppeteer? We spend sometime with Seven-Ten Hudgins and his quest to become LVW Champion.

(Camera fades to SEVEN-TEN Hudgins sitting in a chair wearing his black pants, white polo LVW/PBA style shirt, and has another Super Freak bowling ball sitting in his lap)

MICHAEL: Big match coming up for you Seven-Ten Hudgins. For the LVW pits you against First Born and the current LVW Champion J1D. What are your thoughts about the current champion?

SEVEN-TEN HUDGINS: First of all Michael J1D go tell everybody he's tougher than Seven-Ten Hudgins. We have a big problem now Michael, A BIG PROBLEM. I'm embarrassed by that piece of garbage being the LVW Champion. Smoking marijuana Michael, smoking marijuana. The mother nature, thats the herb from the earth. God bless. God give us snake and God bring us marijuana. Sad enough the LVW Champion represents all what's wrong with this company. While he was out smoking too much pot, eating corn dogs on the couch, I was out winning bowling titles because I'm a PROFESSIONAL!!!!! A PROFESSIONAL MICHAEL!!! PROFESSIONAL!!! Michael, there is a big difference between PROFESSIONAL like myself and AMATEUR like J1D!

MICHAEL: Alright let's fast forward to Born Again.

SEVEN-TEN HUDGINS: What this man represents is the biggest lie in human history period. If you asked me one word to describe Born Again and that would be HOPE. Let's face it, hope is is the denial of reality and the reality is, SEVEN-TEN IS PROFESSIONAL!!! Michael, when all is lost and you have lost everything, Born Again arrives to feed the little weak people HOPE! It's embarrassing just as much as J1D wanting garbage from 7-11. Hey Michael, guess what? I got the damn munchies, let's go to 7-11. Sick of stoners Michael, SICK OF THEM!

That First Born, he's not Jesus Christ either. He's worst than J1D as far as being a PROFESSIONAL GOES! I will prove that Jesus Christ still cannot throw a strike ball, and I will prove to the entire world that Seven-Ten will be your REAL LVW Champion. Now Michael I need you to stand up and walk over to the other side of this room.

MICHAEL: You want me to stand over there?

(Hudgins points over to the other side of the hotel room as Michael makes his way over and leans on the wall)

SEVEN-TEN HUDGINS: Now spread your legs......

(Michael with a confused look spreads his legs leaning on the wall with his back. Seven-Ten Hudgins gets up with his ball and assumes the position. He then takes a few steps towards Michael and throws the ball as if he were on the lanes. He cranks the ball as the ball goes between the legs of Michael and nails the wall)

SEVEN-TEN HUDGINS: Have a good day and F(BLEEP)K WALTER RAY WILLIAMS JR!!!

(FADEOUT)

 

[Vertigo]

Re: LVW Championship Match

((Sorry for my late ass arrival.))

(Fade into Born Again, coming out of a seedy looking building in one of the creepier areas in Las Vegas. This is the type of building that might be a bookie's office but it's also the type of bookie's office that wouldn't mark itself as such. However, possibly for the benefit of the viewing audience, there is a large "BOOKIE" sign atop the door. Convenient how things like that work out, huh? Anyways, Born Again is holding and counting a fairly large wad of money. He notices the camera and is slightly stunned.)

Born Again: Oh...I....

(turning back towards the building)

Born Again:..YES! REPENT! PRAISE THE LORD!

(turning back towards the camera)

Born Again: Another life saved from the sin and debauchery of gambling!

(The camera turns down and focuses on the cash, a wad of hundred dollar bills.)

Born Again: Oh, what, this? This is...the weekly collection. Yeah, that's it. After I convinced them to give up gambling forever, I got them to convert the collection to bigger bills for easier carrying.

(Born Again snickers to himself)

Born Again: Even got them to add from hundreds of their own...

(Born Again hurriedly sticks the wad into a breast pocket of his nice suit.)

Born Again: ...for sick children and whatnot, of course. I suppose you are here about the LVW Championship match. This match is the ultimate representation of what it takes for good to triumph over evil in Las Vegas, the most depraved and terrible place in the world. First, I cleanly win the Rumble match thing, despite no professional training. Praise the Lord. Then the corrupt office decides to award the title to J1D. Thievery at it's finest. Finally, I must secure legal assistance in order to get my title back. However, they still don't give it back, despite indisputable video evidence. Instead, they give me a one-on-one Lord's Rules match with J1D. Not satisfactory, but by the power of God I will persevere. But the lies and treachery doesn't end there, for LVW has decided to go back against their word and inject the bowling guy into the match in attempt to keep their precious piece of tin around the waist of one their sin mongering heathen wrestlers.

(Born Again sighs, gently wipes his brow with his hankerchief)

Born Again: But no fear! The good people of Las Vegas, all four of them by my last count, will soon have themselves a hero worthy of carrying and purifying the LVW championship title. I will prove that, by the power of the Lord, all things are possible. I will rise up, like some kind of majestic bird, to claim the title and use it to glorify the Lord. But I won't have to do it alone.

(Born Again sticks his hand into his suit front and pulls out a large bible.)

Born Again: You see, this is a Lord's Rules match. And bad news, J1D. We won't all be sitting outside a church singing "Kumbaya" or whatever while you smoke your little hash pipe and corrupt our youth. Unlike those camp counselors pretending to be a priest, I've actually read the Bible and understand it. So don't expect to be allowed to come to the ring all unkempt like you usually do. For Leviticus 106: says "Then Moses said to Aaron and his sons Eleazar and Ithamar, "Do not let your hair become unkempt, and do not tear your clothes, or you will die and the LORD will be angry with the whole community. But your relatives, all the house of Israel, may mourn for those the LORD has destroyed by fire." DESTROYED BY FIRE. Because of unkempt hair. That's right. The Lord understands the need for good grooming and fine tailored suits. And what happens when you anger God? Well, Psalm 50:3 states that "Our God comes and will not be silent; a fire devours before him, and around him a tempest rages." Doesn't sound like your little hippie God who is always whining about loving those who do not deserve it, does it? And hordes of your fans are just hordes of sinners that will be marched inevitably into the hellfires and, before that time, they will get to see their hero burn in the holy fire of the Lord. It is "Seven Ten"'s own words that "God gave us the snake and God us marijuana". Well, J1D, the marijuana is there to tempt you, just like the snake. And you've bought heartily into it. And so, I have petitioned very hard for the ref to give you a thorough exam before the match to determine whether or not you are indeed high and strip you of your title if he determines you are. Because marijuana is an agent of sloth and it spits in the face of the lawmaking body, the most holy and angelic entity I know of besides myself. I mean, if you can't listen to me when it comes to how you live your life, I'd think you at least fear the earthly punishments that the government can dish out. But no, it's all about the moment with you, what makes you happy right now. That is evil talking and I will not stand for it.

(Born Again wipes his brow again)

Born Again: But don't think, just because you agreed with me about how sinful and terrible J1D is, that we are friends. On the contrary, you are just as filthy and sin-filled as J1D or anyone else on his roster. You dare tell me about hope? You're so corrupted that you don't even understand the meaning of the word. Hope is something that is in your chest when you know you are pleasing the Lord. I understand that this must be an extremely foreign concept to you, because you refused to use your status as a "professional" to glorify the Lord in any way whatsoever. I am sorry that while the Lord was snapping his fingers and inventing the universe, he didn't take time out of his busy schedule to roll a ball down the lane. But he gave the world bowling. The Lord invented it. Praise the Lord. However, the Lord has since determined that bowling is an agent of vanity and so, under the Lord's Rules, I do not believe it is fair for you to bring your bowling ball to ringside. Thus has the Lord spoken!

(Born Again looks at what appears to be a new rolex watch)

Born Again: Now if you'll excuse me, I have some sinning to prevent.

(He turns and enters what appears to be a Porsche dealership. Convenient that there was one of those in this seedy part of town...)

Born Again: PRAISE THE LORD!

(Fade to black.)

 

[TSiegel]

Re: Valhalla Productions 012 - It's Good To Be The Vi-King

(Fadein, an empty Casino down the street from Las Vegas' "House of Blues" as we locate Erik Mateo dressed in a similar country-western outfit as we see that he's being led over to Roulette table his new companion, "Emily", the Host from House of Blues, dressed in tight-fitting blue jeans and a short black top that shows her belly button with the word "Fierce" spelled out in glitter. After being explained the rules of the game Mateo scratches his chin.)

EM: Ain't ah s'pose tah shoot sumpin' doh??

E: What do you mean, like a target??

EM: Ah ain't skee' shootin', woman.

E: Like Pool??

EM: Eh?? Pool?? But ya says that that stuff don' start 'til af'er ten at nite??

E(Blushes): Well....yeah but we're gambling right now.

EM (Smiles like a sly fox): Yeh' we 'er. But ain't ah s'pose tah spin somethin' instead o' dat guy o'er dere??

E: Nope, that's what he's there for, that's his job....Realization occurs)..you mean like RUSSIAN ROULETTE??!??!!!

EM (Snaps his fingers): Dats da one!!

E: NONONONONO!!!

(Emily leans in and whispers in Mateo's ear as he nods every few seconds until she grabs a free hand that isn't holding a beer and uses it to point at Mateos temple and jerks it quickly as Mateo opens his eyes wide and drops his beer on the floor, breaking it.)

EM: Dang it woman, now look what ya did!!!

E: Well you wanted to know!!

EM: An' how mah' gon' git a leg up on that Oleh' Arribah feller if ah'm jes' ah lil' incom...incom...incom...

E: Incompacitated??

EM: In COMPLETE DISS'RAY, smartass!!

E: Okay, okay...I'm just saying with what he said the other day....

EM: Wha? An' how do-ya know what he said??

E: Hello?? I work at the House of Blues?? Anything that has to do with events that happen there generally don't usually gets passed around pretty quickly so...

EM: 'Da point??

E: Basically....

EM: No, you tell me NOW.

E (Takes a deep breath and braces herself): HesasexgodandcalledyouanimposterofsomeguynamedJamesDonovanandisgoingtomakeyoupayifyoumeetinthetournament.

EM: I'zat roit??

E (nodding weakly): Mmmmhhmmm....

EM: Firs' off....

(Mateo puts the beer down and brings her close to him with a jerk of his hand on her arm. Looking deep in her eyes, he takes off his cowboy hat and holds it in his left hand and puts it behind her back as he brushes a hair out of her face and slowly caresses her cheek. He then kisses her deeply and pulls back as a waitress stops by and hands Mateo a beer. Flipping a tip over to the Waitress, he clears his throat as he takes a swig of the beer while Emily collects her bearings.)

EM:...we both know dat dat ain't true izzit??

(Emily smiles and giggles abit, "Valley-Girl" style.)

E:...yeah...

EM: An' secon'...sin' when izzit okay fer dat Tub o' Goo in-ah Lunchbox tah tell ****ers dat Ah'm an IMPOSTER o' sum ****er dat ain't even her'?? Ah me'n...Ah'm tha' one dat lef' her' with dah Las Vegas title dah las' tahm Ah sunned ah cone-track. Dat Don'van don' been gon' at leese sex months an' took his ball wet 'em!! Know what dat sounds lahk tah me??

E: He's a *****??

EM: HE'S AH *****!!! He's ah ***** an' erbodeh knows it!! Fack is Ah'm undefeeted now jes' as much as Ah was den.

But ya go 'head an' tell dat imm'grant ferm "Mothra-Rushah" dat itz good tah know dat he lahks tah faht...Ah'm happeh tah he'r it!!

Af'er all...fer almos' ten folks competin' fer ah chance tah be deeclared "King of Las Vegas"...so fer ah ain't relly i'pressed.

Dat an' tha' fack dat ders' a VIKIN' dat lahks tah **** ahlot en two-thowson-nahn...aneh'one en der roit mahn cain't tehl meh dat dey wouldn' wanna take ah shot. They'd be lahyin' if dey didn't.

But a faht iz what ya wont den ah faht iz what ya gon' git Oreo Aardvark.

Ah jes' hop' ya know what yer doin'...'cuz when it comes tah gittin' it ohn in Las Vegas....Erik Mateo ALLSWAYS comes out ohn top!!

(Emily looks off to her side and whispers under her breath)

E: Not before I do, if I have anything to say about it...

EM (Mishearing Emily): What's dat honeh??

E: Nothing, I just had a tickle in my throat that's all.

EM: Dat's not dah onleh thin' ya gon' have in yer t'roat when ah git don' wit'cha....

(Emily blushes again)

EM: Now find meh sum sluts...."Daddy" needs ah new per o' boots an' a saddle fer mah horse...

FADEOUT

 

[RStrawsma]

Valhalla Productions 014 - Mjolnir Kombat

(The sound of a soulless, over-digitized delayed synthesizer *byoop-byoop-byoop*-ing at a generic techno rhythm greets us as we fade in from black. We're in a studio set, done up to look like an Eastern dojo.)

"TEST YOUR GREATNESS..."

(Two scantily-clad female ninjas step into the frame, distinguishable only by the fact that one is dressed in blue and the other in green. They carry between them a large sculpture of ice... carved into the shape of an enormous set of butt cheeks, rising like a pair of crystal hills on the horizon.)

VALHALLA PRODUCTION COMPANY​

Presents​

(The palette-swapped ninja babes set the ice-butt down on a pair of cinder blocks, so that it obstructs the vision of the camera. They step away. A moment later, the MASSIVE frame of a human body appears blurred through the frost. The camera pulls back, to reveal the NOTORIOUS VIKING PORNSTAR, looming just over the ice-ass, eyes closed, one fist clenched hard into the other, breathing heavily as though meditating himself to a point of complete focus...)

OLVIR ARSVINNAR​

In​

(Suddenly, the Great Olvir's eyes POP WIDE OPEN! In slow motion, he lets out a GUTTERAL ROAR and SPRINGS FORWARD, bearing down the ice-ass with an extreme KARATE CHOP! His blow CONNECTS right in the CRACK, sending the sculpted glutes SHATTERING into thousands of frozen pieces that scatter all over the dojo's rice-mat floors! Triumphant, Olvir pops up and laughs BOISTEROUSLY!!)

Olvir Arsvinnar
HA HA HA HA!!

"MJOLNIR KOMBAT"​

​

(The annoying techno music moves into its proper early-90's dance club *oohm-tsk-oohm-tsk-oohm-tsk* beat, and on the spot, Olvir BREAKS DOWN like he's TECHNOVIKING! Joining him on the dojo dance floor are the three look-alike ninja babes--Flung Mung, Lo Bang, and Poon Tang.)

Olvir Arsvinnar
HA HA!! Yet another MERE ARSE... DOMINATED before the MIGHT of the GREAT OLVIR!!

My STRENGTH and TENACITY are greater than EVER BEFORE!! VERY SOON, noble wenches... I will PROUDLY MARCH into the BLUE HOUSE of the MAN-THE-LAY BAY... and THERE, I shall prove VICTORIOUS in the ROYAL TOURNAMENT to declare the KING of LAS VEG-ASS!!

HYAH!!

(Olvir Arsvinnar, clad in stretchy black kung fu pants and bearing a Rising Sun headband around the brim of his horned helmet, performs a GRACEFUL roundhouse kick on the spot, coming into a triumphant pose as the music comes to a stop.)

Olvir Arsvinnar
HA HA HA HA!! The TECHNOVIKING reigns SUPREME!!

Mung Flung, Lo Bang, and Poon Tang
HEIL!!

(Stepping into the scene is LVW's Olvir-exclusive interviewer, IGGY DORKJANKER, wearing a cheaply made corporate suit and coming bearing the company-appointed iPhone. As the Viking warlord spots him, he immediately cuts off the music and greets him with a warm smile and walloping clap across the back.)

Olvir Arsvinnar
NOBLE IGNATIUS, Yanker of Dorks!! WELCOME to the DOYO of DOMINATION!!

(Iggy straightens himself up and readjusts his glasses.)

Iggy Dorkjanker
Uh, hi, Mr. Arsvinnar. You wanted me to come see you at the end of the week with updates on the other participants in the King of Las Vegas Tournament... so, well, here I am.

(Without warning, Olvir CUTS THROUGH THE AIR with a karate chop!)

Olvir Arsvinnar
AH HA!! And what did my FOOLISH OPPONENTS say in response to my BOLD and AUDACIOUS WORDS!?

(Chop!)

Olvir Arsvinnar
Did they COWER in FEAR??

(Chop!)

Olvir Arsvinnar
Did they BLUBBER like INSOLENT CHILDREN??

(Looking somewhat disappointed with what results he can deliver, Iggy holds up his iPhone, showing only ONE new video uploaded on the Las Vegas Wrestling promotional site.)

Iggy Dorkjanker
Well, actually, Olvir... only one your potential opponents decided to speak up.

(Axe-handle chop!)

Olvir Arsvinnar
HA HA!! GLORIOUS NEWS!!

Of COURSE... my opponents are so GRIEF-STRICKEN upon realizing the MUTILIATION and DEMISE that awaits them... they have been STUNNED into SILENCE!!

Now they are like HARMLESS SHEEP beneath the SHADOW OF THE AXE at the SLAUGHTER... and for THESE so-called "WARRIORS"... there shall BE no RAGNA-COCK!! Only the SHAME and MISERY of the NIFLHEIM!!

Iggy Dorkjanker
Oh man, not NIBELHEIM!! That's where SEPHIROTH went CRAZY and slaughtered Cloud's HOMETOWN!!

(There's a moment of stunned silence as the characters on screen collectively stare at the LVW reporter with queer uncertainty. The young Dorkjanker, seemingly flustered by this sudden admission of being a Final Fantasy nerd, flushes on the spot.)

Iggy Dorkjanker
U-uh... n-nevermind what I just said...

Olvir Arsvinnar
HMPH!! You are a STRANGE and BEARDLESS FELLOW, meager Dork-Yanker!

Now TELL ME... who is this one single FOOL to DARE speak up against the EVER-TRUTHFUL WORD of the GREAT OLVIR?!

Iggy Dorkjanker
Once again, just Erik Mateo.

Olvir Arsvinnar
ERIK FELLATIO?! BAH!! What MORE of his UTTER NONSENSE would I even CARE to listen to?!

(Iggy bears the trademark "Who Farted?" face as he plays back the Youtube-embedded video file of Erik Mateo's last promo. He keeps the sound off, thankfully.)

Iggy Dorkjanker
Well, that's the thing... I couldn't quite make out what he was saying. It all came across as a bunch of heavily-accented gibberish.

I mean, it was kinda funny, but I was really undecided as to whether I should be amused or annoyed. I guess it's supposed to be the former, but the minute he got into actual paragraphs of speech, my brain just wanted to shut down on itself.

I figured it was because he's apparently from some foreign country--Canada, maybe... so I tried looking up his bio on the Las Vegas Wrestling website... but I guess that part of the LVW site has been under construction for a while now.

Anyway, out of all the mumbo-jumbo, the one thing I could pick up on was a small claim that he was the last guy to beat "The Cowboy" James Donovan while he held the LVW World Heavyweight Title, and he's technically undefeated in Las Vegas Wrestling. Granted, much of his work was from three years ago... so take that for what it is.

Olvir Arsvinnar
BAH! Such an EMPTY claim to make, to BOLDLY call oneself UNDEFEATED when he has not rightfully tested himself upon the FIELD OF BATTLE!! He may say he has overcome the might YAMES DONOVAN, but tell me... has this ERIK the FELLATIO ever LOCKED HORNS with the GREAT VIKING WARRIOR known as "THE BUTT-DOMINATOR?!"

Iggy Dorkjanker
Not to my knowledge.

Olvir Arsvinnar
HA HA!! Then his FOOLISH and INCOHERENT CLAIMS hold no weight!

His CONQUEST in the GLORIOUS TOURNAMENT shall bring a HUMILIATING END to the POMPOUS notions that plague his feeble foreigner mind!

(He's back to chopping the air for no apparent reason other than to show off his physique and impress the chicks.)

Olvir Arsvinnar
I will FINISH HIM!!

HYEAH!!

(*WHAP!!* An errant judo chop catches Iggy in the face and sends him SPRAWLING!! Seemingly unaware of this blunder, the Great Olvir continues showing off his literal "chops", getting the ladies worked up around him. Unable to simply stand back and admire him with their eyes any longer, the lady ninjas THROW THEMSELVES upon him!)

Olvir Arsvinnar
Looks like... a BRA-LESS VICTORY!!

HA HA HA HA!!!

(Olvir heroically marches off the set with the triplets in his massive arms as the ever-annoying techno theme plays again. The camera has a lasting shot on the unconscious body of Iggy Dorkjanker lying in the middle of the empty dojo before going to black.)

 

[LQJT86C]

Re: LVW Championship Match

(FADEIN: J1D walks down a Vegas neighborhood shirtless, wearing only his board shorts and sandals, carrying a giant surfboard under his arm. He makes his way up the parking lot of a 7-11, through the door- but wait! His surfboard is stuck! He pulls it against the door a couple times before realizing he needs to carry it in horizontally; duh! A Pakistani store clerk quickly interjects)

CLERK: No no no! You must dake this board out and go! No surfing boards in this store, I am soddy my friend!

J1D: Aww come on brah, it's a carbon fiber with double concave! You're totally gonna wreck my board if you make me leave it there!

CLERK: PLEASE my friend, leave it or go. NO! NOPE! You must leave it or go I am soddy!

J1D: Lame, brah. Totally lame! (Hands his surfboard to a random black guy smoking a cigarette outside the door. The man is caught off-guard) Take care of the board my good man, while I go in there and score some grindage! (Man stares at J1D in amazement as he walks back into the store)

Alright dudes, I didn't wanna have to do this, but I'm munching on the fly tonight, so I thought: why not kill two birds with one gnaaaaarrley stone and cut a promo while I shop! Shyyyaah!

(Goes right for the Corn Chips and Fritos)

So Captain Skeeps, aka Born Again, was talking more trash about me this week. No surprise there, he has nothing else better to do!!!! I'm practicing for the waves when I put my carbon fiber on the new waterboard I just bought, fantasizing about mondo rip tide...in between readying my mind, body, and soul for the defense of the LVW people's title...and Born Again is still rippin' people for their money in the name of God while talking bad on me.

First of all, I wanna address something RIGHT HERE and RIGHT NOW, brah! If God really destroyed people by fire for having wicked dreadlocks, then God's a DICK! Second, there are definitely more than four good people in Las Vegas...didn't you see about fifty of them in my last promo???? I bet you dudes I could find four gnarley people in 7-11 right now, let alone the thousand bodacious J1-Dudes and Dudettes who will be in attendance to see my retain our title.

I thought religion was about community, man? Doing onto others and all that good stuff. But what you fail to realize, is that the community here thinks you're a DOUCHEBAG, brah! Nobody likes a preacher, but they love a good revelation. And bro, come Showdown, I'm revealin' you for the foul snakeoil salesman you are!

(Picks up a Twix 4-pack)

A DOLLAR SEVENTY-FIVE?? Duuuude, these prices are way jacked! Hate to do it, brah, but I'm forced to show these corporate clowns what's up.

(Looks to his left, then to his right- then grabs the Twix, a Butterfinger, Skittles, and a whole crapload of other candies. While the clerk is dealing with other customers, J1D brings his handful of candy plus the Cornchips and Fritos over to the Slurpee machine. Looking over his shoulder one more time for good measure, J1D dumps his snacks into a 64 oz cup and fills it to the brim with cherry Slurpee...effectively hiding them from open view)

Major apologies to Sevs, but if it's a choice between filling my stomach with cornchips and skittles, or filling some corporate pigs wallets with coin, then the choice is most obvious!

(Brings the enhanced Slurpee to the counter)

CLERK: Two dollars please!

(CUTTO: J1D leaning against the wall on the side of the building, next to his surfboard, dumping out the Slurpee and picking up the stolen candy contents)

J1D: JACKPOT, BUD! Now before I go back to my pad and toke on the Buddha pipe, I'm gonna throw a few more aweomse syllables your way! Showdown's gonna be about one thing and one thing only: the bond between me and the crowd...between champion and the people that made the champion...overcoming the odds and prevailing! FOR SURE!

Sure, you might get back at me all like, "Aww brah, I got God on my side, those are the only odds I'm interested in cause I'M A WILD DOUCHE-TURKEY!" But God's got better things to do than help you win the LVW title...whereas me and my fans have absolutely nothing else we'd rather do than beat your skull in and retain!

See what you do to me, man? You make me a kill-crazy, blood-thirsty hoodlum, WHICH SUCKS, but after Showdown you're gonna doubt the existence of a God that lets you get embarrassed the way I'm gonna embarrass you in front of a capacity Vegas crowd. After it's all over, I'll be back to my old ways, smokin tokes with the Vegas folks, with friend and foe alike...but the words I make you eat, man...you're never gonna digest! See ya at Showdown brah!

(FADEOUT)

 

[PaulNJ21]

Re: King Of Las Vegas Tournament (3 RP Max)


::the Captain is on the phone with the LVW offices, sitting on the bed in his hotel room::

THE CAPTAIN: It seems like every time I turn around, I’m facing Viking porn stars. I’m not picky. Aren’t there any other non-Viking themed porn stars in the company?

::noise from the other end::

THE CAPTAIN: There is nothing per se wrong with Olvir, I’m simply running out of material. I just never expected to feud with a Viking porn star for this long.

::more inaudible noise from the end::

THE CAPTAIN: Yes, Eric Mateo is also in the match. I have no idea who he is. There isn’t a bio on the website and this is his debut.

::more noise::

THE CAPTAIN: Well yeah, I could just go by what he is saying and make some witty remark. Is he supposed to be a mentally retarded cowboy though? I don’t particularly like making fun of the mentally challenged.

::loud noise from the other end::

THE CAPTAIN: Please don’t yell at me. I’m trying my best to figure everything out. How about I just give a speech about what being King of the Strip would mean to me?

::some noise::

THE CAPTAIN: Excellent, good talking to you!

::The Captain hangs up the phone::

THE CAPTAIN: Folks, I know we are in Las Vegas and LVW, god bless it, is home of some of the biggest characters in all of wrestling, which makes me the biggest outcast in the company because I’m somewhat relatively normal. I don’t go around with my pants down with a Viking helmet on head. I don’t speak like a mentally retarded cowboy. I’m not so doped up I forget what day it is. I’m simply the Captain and I want to win the King of the Strip so I can be your LVW Champion so I can show the world that a normal man can stand tall and be crowned king of this asylum. Why do I want to run this asylum? Honestly, I don’t know and maybe that makes me nuttier than anyone here because unlike my counterparts, I’m a sane man actively making the choice to be here. All I know is I want it and I want another chance at J1D to prove that I’m more than just an outstanding tag team wrestler.

Olvir, you’ve figuratively bent me over more times on my quest to the title than I can count and I am sore about that… and I will admit in the ring, you are an awfully good wrestler, but I know in my heart that I’m better and this time, I’m going to beat you and claim what I’ve worked so hard to get.

To take a page out of Mateo’s book, I’m going to cowboy up and I’m going to beat you in the finals.

Happy Trails Olvir!

FTB

 

[Koby]

Re: King Of Las Vegas Tournament (3 RP Max)

Lots of words.

 

[Koby]

Lots and lots of words.