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RUSSIAN ROULETTE: IC Title Match - Cameron Cruise (c) vs. Shawn Hart

ShawnHartXXX

The Phenom
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The Opening Smash

FADE IN: LoC and New Era Champion SHAWN JESSICA HART and his associate, JON KATZ JR., are kicking back with a couple of brewskis in Hart's estate in Orlando.

JKJ: "YO --Beer be TIGHT. Beer be GOOD! So yo ass bettah pack some.. when you're in MY hood!!"

Hart chuckles.

SJH: "HELL YEAH, hound dog!"

Katz examines his 40 oz. bottle more closely.

JKJ: "Old Milwaukee is a mitzvah, mang."

The Prime Minister of Gettin' Sinister raises his stein.

SJH: "When you gonna ditch the dirt and drink something decent? Triple Bock's better, brah!"

JKJ: "You meshuggenah mo-fo! You know that black sh(FCC)t gives me gas bubbles! All I need is my Bud Lights and I be k'velen like a felon!"

Hart shakes his head.

SJH: "F that noise!! How 'bout you SACK up and try some of muh-muh-muh-myyyyyyyyy CORONA!"

JKJ lowers his tinted shades.

JKJ: "I HATE Corona! But you're my BOY... so how 'bout we just get some compromisin' up in this piece and knock back some Heinekens? THAT'S what real men drink!"

The Phenom is thoroughly disgusted.

SJH: "Heineken?! Mr. Katz.. the only MEN that drink those are WO-men! Take Cameron Cruise, for example. I bet whatever dilapidated hovel he's housing himself in is LITTERED with those green bottles!"

Katz chuckles.

JKJ: "Maaaaan, you crazy!"

SJH: "Pshaw! The only thing CRAZY about yours truly is the fact that I ever ran around with that complete and utter JACKHOLE to begin with! I feel less fashionable just for having known him."

JKJ: "Word. Dude don't know how to dress."

SJH: "Or wrestle.... or entertain people.... or carry himself in a manner that commands the respect of others!! He's like the David the Gnome to my Count Duckula; a farce, a FRAUD, and a ridiculous frivolity put forth by the Devil himself to distract my Hart-Broken Phenom Fiends from getting their daily dose of Vitamin SJH!"

JKJ: "What a shlemiel!"

Hart nods in agreement.

SJH: "You're telling me, but WORRY NOT my wigger friend! Because at RUSSIAN ROULETTE, when the two of us are going toe-to-toe for aaaaaaaall to see, live and uncut on P-P-V, all the wrongs that this North Carolinian NINCOMPOOP has perpetrated upon the good people that comprise my glorious constituency will be fired back on him TEN FOLD!"

JKJ: "That's alot of folds, nigga..."

SJH: "You bet your booty, bubee. I mean, for FAR TOO LONG this heinous ham n' egger has been allowed to hammer fist this place into the HELL HOLE it has become... and if NO ONE else has the gall, the GUMPTION.. to set his silly ass straight then, BY GOD - I'm gonna do it! Call it an outrage, call it a mockery, call it the Booze CRUISE.. kickin' back, watchin' Blue's Clues, cuz he knows if he steps to me, his reign is THROUGH THROUGH if ya want..."

He pauses for a beat to catch his breath.

SJH: "I call it the TRUTH! And the truth of the matter here is that it's high time that title number THREE was strapped to this sinuous waist... and when that LOSER Cruis-er and I lock horns in the ring, there's not a GODD(FCC)MN thing he can do to stop me!"

JKJ: "Sh(FCC)t.."

Hart smiles and takes a sip from his stein.

SJH: "But enough about that BUTTHOLE'S bumblings! You and I have unfinished business!!"

Suddenly, SJH retrieves his CROSSFIRE game from off-screen.

JKJ: "Ahhh snap!! Prepare to eat BB's, fool!"

SJH: "Loser has to watch Cam the Sham's next promo!"

JKJ: "DAYUMMM!!"

FADE TO BLACK.
 
Last edited:

TSiegel

I spoil things.
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Re: The Opening Smash

(Fadein, Cameron Cruise in front of an EPW RUSSIAN ROULETTE backdrop. Dressed in blue jeans, a black Anthology T-shirt and matching shades, Cruise wears the EPW Intercontinental Championship title snugly around his waist and has a look of perpetual annoyment on his face as he shakes his head.)

CRUISE: I knew there was wildcard example of why this country continues to outsource the way it does.

Consider this match a GIFT Shawn, because the bottom line is based off of what you've done in the past few months you're lucky Lindsay Troy even threw you the bone in a title match against me.

I mean, putting aside the fact that I could play the 'what have you done for me lately?' card and say that you don't deserve this match, but let's face facts; everyone already KNOWS that.

But don't kid yourself if you think that making fun of my DRINKING HABIT is gonna playoff as a legitamate concern to me because it doesn't bode well for you.

Why??

Because the indecisiveness over you and your pal over alcohol is only the tip of the iceberg with you.

For example, an APPLE MARTINI is more inviting to you than is a Bud Light or a Heineken.

By the way, the fact that you're willing to imbibe something that comes from MEXICO...

(Cruise's grimacing expression continues, showing one of bitter contempt.)

I'd take that as a personal INSULT if it wasn't for the fact that it came from YOU.

Besides...you even expressed a desired interest once to attend a Broadway version of "Priscilla, Queen of the Desert" rather than join Wells and I on our legendary trips to the local bars.

You preferred "Cats" to joining us in convincing sixty-five year old Seniors to take a Keg Stand in order to get a look at a healthy twenty-five year-old's natural looking-but-supple-nonetheless...AWESOME rack.

Need I say more??

I don't think so.

You want facts??

Fine.

FACT: Joining Anthology was just about THE BEST THING you've done lately...why??

Because you were finally taken with more than a grain of salt, Shawn, you were considered more than just a "Yuckster".

You were a SOMEBODY again!!

But then you screwed up.

(Cruise takes off his shades and his expression turns into a gradual glare of hatred.)

Sure, you can say that any intentions were good intentions, but at the end of the day...the only way it turned out was that Anthology had things against The First and Sean Stevens well in hand...and you ****ED IT UP.

And that isn't exactly the first time you've done it either is it??

Once is an 'Accident'.

Twice is a 'Trend'.

Three times is a 'Problem', and that just WILL NOT happen.

I won this title without anyone's help and despite a minor opinion of others, I've KEPT this title without any help, making one man look like the loser everyone already KNOWS himself to be....I nearly PARALYZED another.

But somehow ending Troy Douglas' career here in Empire Pro is almost satisfying, if not rewarding and justified.

Not a damn thing I can do to stop you, Shawn??

Nine times out of Ten, people don't generally like the feeling of Deja Vu, Shawn, but in your case you don't necessarily have a choice.

Why??

Because as soon as you realize that you've regressed to what you once were before having lived the time of your life as a member of Anthology, it'll be three seconds too late.

You could've been a SOMEBODY Shawn, and instead you're going out a NOBODY...and that's a REALITY CHECK that you just won't like...

But it's one you're gonna get courtesy of the best thing going in this business, The Anthology...and the EPW Intercontinental Champion, Cameron Cruise.

FADEOUT
 

ShawnHartXXX

The Phenom
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The Solace of Siblings

FADE IN: The Sacred Chapel of the Blessed Reverend Jiggy Jiggy Bo Biggy of Orlando - Daytime.

Kicking back in the great room of the Phenom's exquisite estate is his half-stepsister twice removed, FELICIA HART. As she stares blankly at the huge television screen before her, a look of disdain begins to creep over her face. Just then, the man of the house, LoC and New Era Champion SHAWN JESSICA HART, pops onto the scene and instantly takes notice of his sibling's expression.


SJH: "Filly-falooo! Whats'a mattah witchyou?"

He places his hand concernedly on his sister's shoulder. She sighs and clicks the television off in frustration.

FELICIA: "I just can't get it out of my head, big bro."

SJH: "Speak, darling! The good Doctor Hart is here for ya. What seems to be your boggle?"

FELICIA: "I just worry for you."

SJH: "For me? But why? I'm ROCKINGEST thing to hit the Terra since that mountain range out west!"

Felicia ponders.

FELICIA: "Which one?"

SJH: "You know... the one that starts in Canada, then goes down through like....."

SJH ponders.

SJH: "Wyoming... er....... Utah. And Colorado..... and stuff. Into Mexico?"

FELICIA: "The Rockies?"

SJH: "No no... I know they're ROCKY, but what are they called?"

Felicia chuckles at her brother's ignorance...... but then draws a blank herself.

FELICIA: "Shoot......"

Felicia ponders.

FELICIA: "I can't remember. But I'm STILL worried."

SJH: "It's Cruise, isn't it.."

FELICIA: "YES! I mean, it Big-T OOOOTALLY sickens me that he's spreading all these lies about you!"

Hart lowers his head.

SJH: "Yeeeeeeeeah, I knooow."

FELICIA: "Like saying that you were down and out before joining Anthology, when the truth of the matter is that you're a multiple time World Champion."

SJH: "Yeeeeeeeeah, I knooow."

FELICIA: "If anything, the whole Anthology debacle has been the one blemish on your resume! I mean, you're holding top gold in not one but TWO other promotions and are currently ranked #3 in the WORLD on the WWR's Top 25!"

CLOSE ON: Hart's smiling mug.

SJH: "Updated EVERY WEDNESDAY and available for your perusal on EWTORCH.COM!!"

Wink.

FELICIA: "You're ranked higher than Cameron Cruise and everyone else in EPW... from Sean Stevens right on down! And all the while, you were made to look like a lowly, pathetic LACKEY by Anthology."

SJH: "Yes, well..."

FELICIA: "A complete and utter baboon!"

SJH: "Alright, I think you've said eno-"

FELICIA: "A lowly jobber... with nothing better to do than carry Cam the Sham's bags around! A totally despicable and completely heinous ASSH(FCC)LE with no hope of-"

SJH: "SILENCE!"

Hart grins sheepishly and shoots a quick glance directly into the camera.

SJH: "I think we all get the point."

FELICIA: "Sorry. It just bugs me that the Antho-outfit can be filled with so much SUCKATUDE, and drag down each and every poor soul unfortunate enough to keep their company, and yet... THIS DOUCHE says it's the greatest thing you've ever done!"

SJH: "It really is a travesty."

FELICIA: "Well, don't get me wrong... it's totally lame, but the real TRAVESTY is this complete load about you having some kind of drinking problem! Tossing an accusation like that out there is something that can stick with you whether it's true or not! So for him to make such baseless claims is nothing short of irresponsible!"

CUT TO: SJH, who is mixing a piña colada right there on the great room floor.

SJH: "RIGHT!"

He karate chops the blender, the booze, and the other ingredients right out of the shot. In the background, a crash, a thud, and the breaking of glass echoes.

SJH: "I mean, if having a beer or two with one of your boys is a crime, I guess you can lock me up. Who knew Cruise was a Mormon?"

FELICIA: "Or maybe he's underaged?"

Shawn can't help but laugh.

SJH: "If that fool is under 21 and he looks like THAT now... I shudder to think what those pores are gonna look like at age 30."

Felicia grimaces.

SJH: "Besides, that would make him far too young to steal Roddy Piper's REALITY CHECK line. If he was really that young, he'd be asking us if we can smell what he's cooking or telling us about bottom lines."

FELICIA: "Oh... right. Though you really can't peg him on that one, can you? Not while you go around calling yourself the Phenom!"

SJH: "YO babe! I can't help the fact that I'm so ridiculously PHENOMENAL!"

Grin.

FELICIA: "Touche."

SJH: "Nah... I think the steak n' eggs of the situation is that the Booze Cruise just doesn't have any friends to drink with. Years of douchecockery and shamsuckery have pretty much alienated him from everyone else on the roster. So when he sees me out n' about with the Jewish Jackhammer, JKJ-"

SMASH CUT TO: Katz in the cradle with a silver spoon.

JKJ: "REPRESENT!"

SJH: "..He's left with no other choice but to disperse BULLSH(FCC)T in a jealous rage!"

FELICIA: "More like a lover spurned if you ask me."

SJH: "You're probably right. Sorta like Kindergarten when you pulled the pig tails of the gal you liked best!"

Felicia gazes upward and sighs.

FELICIA: "Yeeeeeeeeeeeahh..."

SJH: "Honestly... if you need proof of his latent homosexual tendencies, you needn't look further than his beloved Dangle Brother! But hey... to each his own, right? If those two want to play each other's skin flutes in the GAYEST symphony orchestra this side of San Francisco, so be it. Frankly, the whole thing is MOOT anyway, because with GOD as my witness.... I do declare that NO MAN is gonna pull MY pig tails!"

SJH runs his hands through his hair which is, in fact, in pig tails.

FELICIA: "Hear hear!"

SJH: "So worry not, sweet sister, about this bout with the world's biggest buttface! I realize how ludicrous I've looked whilst lounging around with the luckluster act that is Anthology... but at Russian Roulette, the Prime Minister of Gettin' Sinister ain't just gettin' the gold... he's gettin' his comeuppance!"

FELICIA: "Word?"

SJH: "To yo mama!"

Felicia smirks.

FELICIA: "You mean to YO MAMA!"

SJH: "Don't be talkin' 'bout my Mama!"

FELICIA: "But my mama's yo mama!"

SJH becomes flustered and puts his hands to his face.

SJH: "Mamma-mia!"

Felicia chuckles.

SJH: "There's my happy girl! Now STOP with the worrying all the time! When Cruise and I go toe to toe, that JACKHOLE is goin' down like a French whore!"

The camera pans out... revealing the French whore standing next to Hart.

FRENCH WHORE: "Casse-toi pauvre con!"

SJH: "Sorry."

FELICIA: "Well, now that that's settled.... LET'S GET PISSED!"

Suddenly, a mariachi band emerges onto the shot with their Mexican folk music and JKJ pushes a wheelbarrow full of Coronas into the room.

SJH: "The PHENOM has left the building!!"

FADE.
 
Last edited:

TSiegel

I spoil things.
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Re: The Solace of Siblings

(Fadein, Cameron Cruise in front of another EPW RUSSIAN ROULETTE backdrop, dressed in similar clothing, the exception being a Blue Anthology T-shirt and black jeans, with matching Anarchy shades. Cruise shrugs, slapping the EPW Intercontinental Championship over his right shoulder.)

CRUISE: It's true what they say after all....you can lead an idiot to water, but you can't make him think.

Nobody ever said that you weren't capable though Shawn, and therein lies the difference between you and me.

Are you CAPABLE of getting the job done??

Absolutely.

But can you do it alone, all by yourself??

Absolutely NOT, which is part of the reason why we recruited you Shawn, it's part of the reason you were CHOSEN to be a part of Anthology; this isn't just your regular "Tree House Gang". Men like Jared Wells...Copycat....Sean Edmunds....Larry Tact and myself included....

We're the REAL elite...and for the better part of this year, you were invited to join us. You were invited to partake in the festivities that followed the duties each night we stepped into that ring to make a point.

To those that refused to listen to WHY there needs to be a change around here...that was and still is one of the iotas we take as motivation and incentive to do what we do. Granted, when it came to going out and enjoying the fruits of our labors you weren't one to join us...and we were fine with that at first, because when it came to celebrating, to each his own.

But I'm digressing, the fact is in retrospect you not joining us to celebrate the success that Anthology has achieved most of the time doesn't really matter at this point.

Just like the fact that you insist on reminding people that you're the LoC and New Era World Heavyweight Champion when that also has just about zero bearing on the match at hand:

MY EPW Intercontinental title.

I don't care about the rankings on the WWR lists, not one bit. None of my other titles I hold right now are on the line so there's no need to bother with that either. Not the A1E World Heavyweight Championship, or the WFW Television title or the WFW Tag Team Titles or the CSWA Presidential title...none of those matter.

(Cruise holds up the EPW IC title)

But this one....this one DOES.

But to think that we kept you down as merely a LACKEY or anyone not on our level of excellence...why that's just plain GULLIBILITY!!!

It kinda goes without saying Shawn, until you came back to Empire Pro and joined Anthology...the last thing ANYONE can remember about you was a match that you and I competed in with this company was for a title that neither of us even came out with...but after RUSSIAN ROULETTE is coming home with us, nevertheless.

But then again, I stole Roddy Piper's line right?? At thirty-five, I'm too young to make things matter, even though I'm more successful that you'll EVER be??

Nevermind the lists of rankings that I'm not on, at the end of the day, it's THE ANTHOLOGY that gathers headlines, but more specifically right now it's MY NAME that makes a difference.

Not you...or Lionel from "Thundercats" if that's your game this week...or She-Ra or Punkey Brewster or whatever it is your imagination dreams up next.

My point??

You can't really be "The Phenom" if you're not really doing anything worth being labeled "Phenomenal" about, know what I mean??

Sure ya don't....just about everyone had a title at one point but you so you reduced yourself to becoming "The World Heavyweight Champion of the Universe".

Really Shawn?? And You're embarrassed to be around myself or Wells??

Gimmie a break....and no, that doesn't mean you can offer me chocolate candy as a precursor to the referee signaling the bell.

Though if you ask nicely, I'm sure that Olvir the Sex-Making Viking would oblige.

But if you don't mind, I've got other things to take care of, things more important at the moment than say...listening to your sister babble on about how she needs having a need for a three-way with Megan Fox, and myself.

Sorry pal, but it is what it is...you're sister has a thing for men that are more successful than say...you are.

(Camera pulls in for a closeup on the Anthology member.)

When it comes down to it, I've a penchant for hooking up with women that I DON'T have to put a paper bag on her head just to enjoy the occasional handjob. You don't know what I mean because the fact remains...you had that chance when Anthology went out on the town.

Just like you won't know what it's like to become the winner you were when you were with us when we meet at RUSSIAN ROULETTE for my EPW Intercontinental title.

Why???

Because that's just a REALITY CHECK that you just...won't like.

FADEOUT.
 

DBrunkGXW

Consigliere
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Katy, TX
OOC: For Ryan Aston, sent by email last night

---
FADE IN:

The Hart Estate, Orlando - Nighttime

Laying snug in her bed beneath a bevy of pillows, blankets and a Rainbow Brite comforter is the Empire's resident dancing queen and valet extraordinaire FELICIA HART. Sitting at bedside with a book in hand is her half-stepbrother twice removed, SJH. Story time is in full effect.


FELICIA: "Big bro! Big bro! What story are you gonna tell me tonight, big bro?"

The Prime Minister of Gettin' Sinister chuckles.

SJH: "TONIGHT, sweet Fuh-leesh, our story is the HEINOUS tale of Crumpledcumskin!"

FELICIA: "Crumpledcumskin? What's that?!"

SJH: "Crumpledcumskin is a fooooooul and WRETCHED beast indeed-"

CUT TO: A dwarfish man in a bear suit with a photo print-out of Cameron Cruise's face taped to its head.

SJH: "A cruel and cantankerous imp that would DESTROY everything good and pure in the world if it could-"

FELICIA: "Wooooooow..."

SJH: "...which is exactly what our tale is about!"

FELICIA: "Tell me! Tell me!"

More faux chuckling from the Phenom.

SJH: "Alright. Alright."

SJH retrieves a pair of spectacles from his pocket, places them on his face, and then opens his book and begins the tragic tale.

SJH: "Ooonce upon a time, there was a poor miller... who had a very beautiful son."

CUT TO: Hart, decked from head to toe in a medieval gown, posing before a great mirror and rummaging through his golden locks with a large pick.

SJH: "Now it happened one day that he had an audience with the Queen and in order to appear a person of some importance he told him that he had a son who could spin straw into gold"

CUT TO: The beautiful SJH, accompanied by his father (portrayed by Tiny), as he stands before the Queen (portrayed by retired plus-size porn star Candye Kane.)

SJH: "....'Now that's a talent worth having,' said the Queen to the miller. 'If your son is as clever as you say, bring him to my palace tomorrow...."

The Queen licks her lips.

SJH: "...'and I'll put him to the test!'..."

FELICIA: "Kinky."

SJH: "When the boy was brought to her, she led him into a room full of straw, gave him a spinning-wheel and spindle, and said, 'Now set to work and spin all night till early dawn, and if by that time you haven't spun the straw into gold, you shall DIE!'..."

FELICIA: "Whoa... die?!"

SJH: "Noooooo, not really. The Queen was just big into mind games, psuedomasochism, and the S&M scene. Really freaky stuff. Freaky HOT stuff. So it was all talk, really..."

FELICIA: "I... see."

SJH: "Anyhow, the Queen closed the door behind her and left the boy alone inside. So the poor miller's son sat down, and didn't know what in the world he was to do. He hadn't the least idea of how to spin straw into gold, and became at last so miserable that he began to cry."

CUT TO: SJH in the room with the spinning wheel and spindle (and strategically-placed SJH merchandise), distraught to the point of weeping.

SJH: "When SUDDENLY the door opened, and in stepped a tiny little man..."

The guy with the bear suit and Cameron Cruise's mug taped to his face bursts into the room, flailing his arms like a crazy person.

SJH: "And that tiny, pathetic, wishin' he was as good as the Phenom 24/7, totally HOPELESS midget dude said, 'Good-evening, Mr. Miller-maid; why are you crying so bitterly?' 'Oh!' answered the guy, 'I have to wrestle the world's biggest VAGINE at Russian Roulette................ oh yeah, and I have to spin straw into gold too, and haven't a notion how it's done.'

The dwarf-bear-Cruise man does the Macarena, then tenders a query.

SJH: "...'What will you give me if I spin it for you?'...'The clock necklace I got from Flavor Flav,' replied the boy. The little man took the clock necklace, sat himself down at the wheel, and whir, whir, whir, the wheel went round... three times, and the bobbin was full. Then he put on another, and whir, whir, whir, the wheel went round three times, and the second too was full; and so it went on till the morning, when all the straw was spun away, and all the bobbins were full of GOLD."

CUT TO: A shot of Cameron Cruise holding up his Intercontinental title. CUT TO: Tact and Wells celebrating with their tag straps.

SJH: "And it was all because the Phenom carried their pathetic asses on his back... and laid the foundation that made it possible for them to succeed... only to be double-crossed by the douche monkeys in a horrendous display of JACKHOLERY..."

CUT TO: Footage of SJH getting the beatdown from Anthology on the most recent edition of Aggression.

FELICIA: "Ummm... what?"

CUT TO: Hart regaining his composure and adjusting his spectacles.

SJH: "Whoa... got a l'il carried away there. Anyway, as soon as the sun rose the Queen came, and when she perceived the gold, she was astonished and delighted and ASTONISHED, but her heart only lusted more than ever after the precious metal.... as well as the boy's hot beef injection... something known the world round as the HART THROB."

CUT TO: The Queen dressing down the miller's son verbally whilst licking her lips and undoubtedly undressing him with her eyes.

SJH: "Sooooo, she had the miller's son put into another room full of straw, much bigger than the first, and bade him, if he valued his life, to spin it all into gold before the following morning. The poor lad didn't know what to do, and began to cry once again, when the door opened as before, and the tiny, putrid, stinking, ass-hat midget appeared and said, 'What'll you give me if I spin the straw into gold for you?' ...'The Ovaltine decoder ring from my finger,' answered the boy. The manikin took the ring, and whirrrr! Round went the spinning-wheel again, and when morning broke he had spun all the straw into glittering gold."

CUT TO: The next morning, and the Queen shooting a "Come Hither" stare at the miller's son.

SJH: "The Queen was pleased beyond measure at the sight, but her greed for gold was still not satisfied, and she had the miller's son brought into a yet bigger room full of straw, and said, "You must spin all this away in the night; but if you succeed this time you shall become my husband!" Now, the miller's son wasn't really down with the whole commitment thing, but he was pretty hip to the idea of hittin' that royal heinie like a mo fo on the daily, so he was petty much down."

FELICIA: "How rooomaaaaaaantic!"

SJH: "I know, right? So when the boy was alone, that little ass monkey appeared for a third time and said, 'What'll you give me if I spin the straw for you once again?'...'I've nothing more to give,' answered the miller's son. 'Then promise me when you are King to give me your first child!!' Now, the miller's son thought it was totally weird that the dwarf wanted his first born, but the boy wasn't too worried as he adhered to a strict "No glove, no love" policy... and generally preferred entering through the backdoor anyway, so he promised the manikin what he demanded, and the little bastard set to work once more and spun the straw into gold. When the Queen came in the morning, and found everything as she had desired, she straightway made the boy her husband, and the miller's son became a king!"

CUT TO: SJH and Candye Kane, together in a hot tub, both wearing Burger King crowns.

FELICIA: "Yaaaaay!"

SJH: "Heh, yaaaay indeed! So after a year, the Queen, who had forgotten to take her birth control, gotten drunk, and slept with one of the stable boys, gave birth to a beautiful son. At this point, the King was so busy trying to get a paternity test on Maury that he thought no more of the little man....until one day, BAM... there he was!"

CUT TO: The Cruise bear bursting onto the scene, much to King SJH's chagrin.

SJH: "...'Time for a REALITY CHECK!' said the little jerk, who was obviously a big Roddy Piper fan. I think this was his way of saying it was time to pay up... or pay the Piper, as it were. Anyway... the King was all too happy to give the douche his alleged child, but now the imp was making all kinds of ridiculous demands too. He wanted his name in lights, he wanted to be taken seriously as a legitimate wrestler, but most of all... he wanted an autographed pair of the King's underoos, because he secretly had a strange, homoerotic infatuation with the King. This one really threw the King for a loop. If he couldn't give the little anus what he wanted, he'd be stuck with the douche FOREVER. Just the thought of having to hear the twerp's voice all the time caused the King to cry and sob so bitterly, that the little man was sorry for him and said, 'I'll give you three days to guess my name, and if you find it out in that time, I'll keep your child and we'll call it good."

FELICIA: "What a rube."

SJH: "Totally, but no one ever accused this wanker of being the sharpest tool in the shed."

FELICIA: "Clearly."

CUT TO: King SJH, pacing around his room... a room littered with trophies and title belts marking the various in-ring triumphs of LoC and New Era Champion Shawn Jessica Hart.

SJH: "So the good King pondered the whole night over all the names he had ever heard, and sent a messenger to scour the land, and to pick up far and near any names he could come across."

CUT TO: Midgey-Cruise sauntering out of the shadows before SJH.

SJH: "When the little man arrived on the following day he began with Kooter, Momo, Belshazzar, and all the other names he knew, in a string, but at each one the manikin called out, 'That's not my name!' The next day he sent to inquire the names of all the people in the neighborhood, and had a long list of the most uncommon and extraordinary for the little man when he made his appearance. 'Is your name, perhaps, Sheepskank, Cruickshanks, or Spindledouche?' But each time, he replied, 'That's not my name!'..."

FELICIA: "Not terribly creative with his responses is he?"

CUT TO: SJH as he looks directly into the camera.

SJH: "You can say that again!!"

CUT TO: A messenger approaching King SJH on his throne.

SJH: "On the third day the messenger returned and announced, 'I have not been able to find any new names, but as I came upon a high hill round the corner of the wood, where the foxes and hares bid each other good night, I saw a dilapidated hovel... that was LITTERED with empty Heineken bottles, and in front of the house burned a trash fire, and round the fire sprang the most grotesque little man, hopping on one leg and singing-'..."

CUT TO: The midget in the bear suit with the Cruise face, dancing and shrieking:

CRUISE MIDGET: "To-morrow I brew, to-day I bake,
And then the undies of Hart I'll take;
For little deems my royal dame,
That CRUMPLEDCUMSKIN is my name!"

SJH: "You can imagine the King's delight at hearing the name, and when the little man stepped in shortly afterward and asked, 'Now, my love...er...... King, WHAT'S MY NAME?'..."

CUT TO: The meeting between King SJH and his nemesis.

SJH: "He asked first, 'Is your name Conrad'... 'No.'...'Is your name Harry?' 'No.' Then the King grinned his gloooooooorious grin and asked "Is your name perhaps, CRUMPLEDCUMSKIN!?' And the little bastard started wiggin' out and said, 'Some demon has told you that! Some demon has told you that! BLARGH!' and in his rage, he drove his right foot so far into the ground that it sank in up to his waist, and he was totally STUCK there! So the good King gave him the PEACE OUT and left the little jerk to deal with the cheating Queen and an illegitimate child to care for... while the King traveled the world and banged supermodels and drank beer that isn't embarrassing to be associated with.... for aaaaaall the rest of his days. THE.... END!!"

CUT TO: Sweet Felicia, who has fallen soundly asleep. The Phenom grins, closes the book, and looks into the camera.

SJH: "Heh, I have to say... I've told QUITE the tale here tonight!"

He tucks the book under his arm and continues on.

SJH: "But NOTHING will compare to the stories that will be told after I DESTROY you at Russian Roulette, Crumpledcumskin! Cuz yours is an ass that is LONG overdue for a kicking, old friend... and if ANYONE is gonna be the dude to do the deed, you can bet your bottom dollar that that dude is gonna be me!!"

He nods his head.

SJH: "You say that what I've done outside of EPW doesn't matter, that to you... my titles don't mean DICK. But the steak n' eggs of the situation is that the whole if one's career is GREATER than the sum of its parts. And if you were to take my fresh and FANTABULOUS legacy... and measure it against your sad, silly little exploits... let's just say yours would be the shorter stick.

Of course, any of my sloppy seconds that you so sickeningly sought out could probably already tell you that, but I digress..."

SJH grins wryly.

SJH: "Bottom line, it was your homeboy LARRY TACT that I beat for one of these titles. That was in NEW. Then, in World's Finest, I JACKED UP Jared Wells like he'd never been jacked before. In the WWL, it was Copycat that I pinned for the win, and Edmunds.... heh... I've owned that guy in every corner of the globe. So yeah, you're right... this IS Empire Pro and the EPW Intercontinental title we're talking about. But for me, really... it's just another Antho-JERK about to get beat down! Call it an OUTRAGE, call it a MOCKERY, I call it the TRUTH!

And at Russian Roulette, for Crumpledcumskin, the truth is gonna HURT!

The Phenom has left the building!!"

FADE TO BLACK.
 

DBrunkGXW

Consigliere
Joined
Sep 11, 1997
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OOC: Posted for Siegel
---

(Fadein, Cameron Cruise in front of an EPW RUSSIAN ROULETTE backdrop, dressed in blue jeans and a black Anthology shirt. Wearing black matching Anarchy shades, the shades hiding the bags under his eyes as he clears his throat, rolling his shoulders back as he adjust the EPW Intercontinental title around his waist.)

CRUISE: You're gonna haveta excuse my absence, Shawn, when I saw that you were reading Felicia a bedtime story, I had to take some time out to go search in storage to make sure that I wasn't going through a moment of "Deja Vu". But when I say "Deja Vu", I don't mean in the sense like I've seen it before...

Because when you've had the career that I've had, you REALLY would be surprised what I've seen...(Cruise chuckles)...but before I digress onto something else, my point is that I had to take acouple days to make sure I didn't see a similar situation on Vivid video.

I mean, either that or if you wanna hear my honest opinion of my initial reaction...just go watch "Joe Dirt" again.

(Cruise then turns to his best "Joe Dirt" impression, mocking Hart."

CRUISE: YOU'RE MY SISTER!!! YOU'RE MY SISTER!!! OH MY GOD, YOU'RE MY

SISTER!!!

(Cruise chuckles again, waving it off.)

CRUISE: But really...after taking that much needed naptime I've missed out on lately during the first half of your promo, I've finally been able to get through the rest of it stable enough to to respond without falling back asleep.
Believe me...you knowing that should say something but again, before I digress...it's good that you can joke around with your sister, Shawn, because I'm pretty sure as soon as you leave the room, the laughing stops.
Especially in the bedroom, if you know what I mean.

First off, I'm glad that you''ve dropped down from being a natural adult to such the SNOT-NOSED-PUNK-KID that everyone knows you are.

Always jokin' around, always clowning around, hell...it wasn't much different when you were in Anthology, Shawn.

But since you wanna drop down to unoriginal name-calling as part of your repertoire, I kinda felt that it would be only fitting to return the favor, so..."Old Yellow-Stain" isn't exactly a name that burns...but let's be honest...it doesn't do more damage than that burning sensation of hemorrhoids I heard you got from MWG afew years back.

But I won't talk about that..because people know that unlike "Old Yellowstain"...sure, Humphrey Bogart had it first in "The Caine Mutiney", but it's not like using a "throwback" isn't the trendy thing to do now-a-days, but at anyrate...unlike "O.Y.S.", I won't dwell too much on that subject.

It's not the proper way to deal with fools that think they're good enough to take my Intercontinental title from me, but hey...what else can I do when I'm forced to deal with a man who thinks that a "W-2" is a Bingo number.

(Cruise pauses.)

Yes Shawn...I'm talking about YOU.

But it's funny that you think you were able to help "drive the team to victory" when you were BARELY AVAILABLE.

Don't cry foul on me though Shawn, you said it yourself; I'm just telling "The Truth".

Just what exactly am I saying??

Hell Shawn, no one ever won a game in the Pros from the bench, beit the Major Leagues, the National Football League, the NBA or even in EMPIRE PRO WRESTLING.

And that's precisely what you are Shawn: a Benchwarmer, or better yet, a Substitute.

Sure, you were able to enjoy the success with what happened in Anthology, but in retrospect, the only thing you ever did was get one over on Layne Winters, and really...

It's not like we won't have any other success from him, no matter what happened with Tact before; Copycat is going into RUSSIAN ROULETTE and he's taking the one thing Layne lives for, and that's the EPW Television Championship, and bringin' it to where it belongs.

Around the waist or on the shoulder of a member of a group that you just CANNOT cut it with.

US.

Good luck trying to "destroy" me at Russian Roulette though Shawn, because as far as I know...the last thing you "destroyed"....was the $7.99 Senior Citizen discount dinner at the Sizzler.

OLD YELLOW-STAIN.

But let's not mistake the situation at hand for the overall BIG PICTURE.
My "sad, silly little exploits"...as awful as you can make them out to be...ARE better than your "fresh and FANTABULOUS legacy", and you wanna know why??

It's because MY is the one spoken more often around these parts instead of yours.

(Cruise stretches his back a second and brings his shades down the bridge of his nose for a second as the camera pans in for a temporary close up.)

I'm sorry if my "Method of Madness" seems alittle tired to you, Old Yellowstain, but evidently you're one of the few single-digit percentages that just doesn't seem to get it.

Even if you never had it to begin with, but still...

It's not your fault, Shawn, you just can't help it, and you don't know any better.

See...you can say what you want about Tact, I know he's not gonna take what you said lying down for anything....and I'm pretty much sure that you DIDN'T do very much to THAT DIRTY *****, Jared Wells...being the WFW BAD World Champion for THREE years kinda backs me up on that, and as far as Copycat and Sean Edmunds?? Let's just say if I were you...the last thing I would want after RUSSIAN ROULETTE is their ****ing UNDIVIDED ATTENTION.

So it goes without saying that you're not only full of ****, but there's a saying that goes something akin to "No matter how much you dress it up, at the end of the day a piece of **** is STILL....a piece of ****."
And you want to sit here and preach about telling the truth to ME?? I hardly think so, there 'Yellowstain.

As a matter of fact, if there's anything I know...it's that I know more about "The Truth" than you do, and believe me when I tell you Shawn, that after Russian Roulette is over with...not only are you going to be eating your words...

But we're keeping the EPW Tag Team Titles, right where they're at.
We're bringing home the EPW Television Championship, and yes, as I stated before I'm sure that goes without saying, we're keeping the EPW Intercontinental title around my waist.

But more importantly than that, we're going to continue preaching to others just what kind of changes need to happen around here, and to do that...
The "Thundercats", even Big Dog and our good buddy Dan Ryan as well as Layne Winters are getting just what they deserve, as you will too.

You can either get along with it or as I've stated before, and what you've seen on an up close and personal level yourself...it's going to be a REALITY CHECK that you just...won't like.

Now whether or not you're hip with the fact that Roddy Piper has NOTHING compared to what I've got, that's up to you.

Personally I'd bust that Scottish bastard wide open, but unfortunately for him...I've got a booking schedule that makes him look more pathetic that he already has...

Especially since the last TV series he made was with Jesse Ventura...a man who actually got something ACCOMPLISHED.

But like I said...don't cry foul just because I do a better job at telling the truth than YOU do; being a "Yellow-Stained-Nobody" like you kinda puts the balance off to one side fairly easily in this case. You want the product of "The Truth" to show himself, but the fact is that YOU HANDLE THE TRUTH!!

Now whether or not you wanna make fun of me for busting out Jack Nicholson, I could careless.

But when it comes down to it, after you come to your senses, you're going to realize two things:

One: "The Truth Will Set You Free".

And Two: You don't turn on Anthology, and you DO NOT CROSS Cameron Cruise.

(Cruise pushes his shades back up the bridge of his nose as he continues to look serious at the camera as it fades out.)
 

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