RUSSIAN ROULETTE: Tag Team Turmoil!

[DBrunkGXW]

All Teams Rp Here!

 

[TH]

The Priest and Eisenkreuz Happy Family Fun Time Hour

We're at the makeshift commissary at the arena, with a nice spread. Kenny Lombardo is fixing himself a plate. On his way from the baked ziti to the deviled ham, he bumps into a familiar face.

KL: Guh, Priest?

Priest: That's my name.

It is indeed Priest, dressed in an open buttoned silk shirt with a "I got taken to court in Harris County and all I got was this lousy t-shirt" t-shirt underneath, black Kenneth Cole pants, and sunglasses pulled up on his head.

KL: I thought you walked out?

Priest: Yeah, I thought I did too, but apparently, when I quit, they got me for "breach of contract." I was like, what? And then they took me to court, all this litigation, court order, yadda yadda yadda, and so I am back. Who would have thought that just walking out of the company would constitute a breach of contract?

KL: Yeah, who woulda thunk it.

Priest: I'm glad you see things my way, Kenneth. Now, I figured that I would come back and wrestle a few matches, wow the crowd, give them some of that Priest magic, you know? But then all the lawyers were telling me that I had to wrestle in dark matches. Like, at first, they wanted me to wrestle Ray Rock. That is so not cool, so I balked. I am an established superstar, you know.

KL: Established my pasty white ass. You have one win, and it was against Pulsar.

Priest: It was an impressive win!

KL: Dude, I can get a win over Pulsar if I tried hard enough.

Priest: Well... that is besides the point. Anyway, I have come back to lay some smack down in this Tag Team Turmoil match. I figure, if I have to wrestle here, I might as well go for gold.

KL: Oh, that's cool. Who's going to be your partner?

Priest: Well, I was banking on getting Eisenkreuz.

KL: Banking?

Priest: Yeah, well I still have to ask him.

KL: Great, so you're getting into a tag match without a tag team partner.

Priest: I am not worried. He has gotta say yes.

KL: Well, there he is, why don't you go ask him?

Current EPW Road Agent Eisenkreuz walks over with a plate of his own.

Priest: Hey! Big guy! Eisenkreuz! What is up my man!

EK: Was wollen Sie?

Priest: Hey hey hey, is that any way to talk to your old friend?

EK: Vat are you talking about? You valked out on me and ze company.

Priest: Well, yeah, I meant to tell you about that... well, I... well, the only thing that matters is that I have returned, right?

EK: Ja, you have returned to take on Ray Rock.

Priest: Yeah, well that is what I wanted to talk to you about. See, I am thinking, no Ray Rock match, and me and you enter into Tag Team Turmoil, for old time's sake, huh? Hmm?

EK: Nein!

Priest: Come on, I mean, we are gonna clean up, you and me, Empire Pro Tag Team Champions, how does that sound?

EK: Ich sagte nein! Nein!

Priest: Man you really are a Deutschbag.

EK: Ach! I hate it venn du callst me dat! I'm gonna get you!

Eisenkreuz tackles Priest through one of the catering tables, covering both of them in pasta salad, Jell-O pudding and gazpacho. They roll around until Priest gets the advantage with a headlock, rubbing his fist into Eisenkreuz's head.

EK: Ach! Ze noogies! I hate ze noogies!

Priest: Then team with me you lunkhead.

EK: Ach! Alright! Alright! I'll team vit you!

Priest lets go and the two men, covered in foodstuffs, get up.

Priest: Well then, that is settled, let's go prepare.

EK: Okay.

Priest and Eisenkreuz walk out as Kenny looks on.

KL: Well, thank God I wasn't going to eat any pudding.

Fade to the Empire logo.

 

[EpyonMarx]

[FADE IN. Max and Jecht stand alone in front of an EPW screen, the former in denim, and the latter in his typical leathers]

Max: And just like that, Herr Ryan decides to give every team an opportunity at once. I applaud you, Herr Ryan. For giving the fans something big. A chance to see the cream of nothing going at it in one match on pay-per-view.

Jecht: Let’s look around the division, shall we? You’ve lost how many teams? Assassins, Covert Ops, Crimson Calling, not once, but twice!! Black Thunder? And the rest of the division seems to be in limbo somewhere doing who knows what. Most seem to phone it in. Yeah, real smart booking there.

Max: Especially when you consider, mein Herr, das our last match ended as a no-contest. Against YOUR tag team champions.

Jecht: One of whom said we didn’t stand a chance against them. We may not have won, but neither did they, Dan.

Max: Und heute, it looks like despite not being beaten, despite being the logical choices for a title shot… you’re passing over us to try and squeeze the division into action.

Jecht: That’s fine. Send every single person on this roster into the match. We couldn’t care less how many teams you manage to scrounge together for this one. All we care about is getting our hands on Sands and Troy and finishing what the four of us started at the American Airlines Center in Dallas. To see which of us would’ve won if the ref had cared about the result more than losing control.

Max: Herr Sands, Frauline… you two can say you don’t care about this, but you did win a small measure of respect from us that night in Dallas. And when every other team in this little match has been eliminated, it will be our pleasure to face off against you. The longest serving team in this company against the tag team champions, how it should be. Who else is there worth the time?

[From off camera, a voice pipes up. A very recognisable voice]

LJ: No-one.

[Leonard Johnson walks into the shot, in his typical cheap suit, and stands between his men]

LJ: There is no-one else that is worth the time. Melton and Cruise? A geriatric and an imbecile. Golem and X-ecutioner? Have they been seen lately? Second Coming? The same can be said of them. The only other team I can think of is this new one of Priest and his friend, Eisenkreuz. Max?

Max: Hallo, Eisenkreuz. Ich heiße Max, und ich möchte du zu Empire Pro Wrestling wilkommen. Schönes glück mit Priest.

LJ: Good luck indeed, because with that clown at his side, he shouldn’t expect any progress in this match. This division needs to be awakened from its slumber. And only the best can do that. From what I see, Sands and Troy have only one team to fear.

And it isn’t any of you.

[FADE OUT]

 

[TSiegel]

"Aren't we the suddenly pesky-little-dictators?"

(Fadein, Cameron Cruise in front of an EPW Russian Roulette backdrop.)

CRUISE: Melton an' I take a break from playin' "Hot Potato" with the division to pursue our own business, Joey with Beast an' the 'other tourney, and me putting one over on the IC Champion.....an' da "Germans" come out of the woodwork.

Kinda funny too....when we're not around....you two wanna talk to everybody and bury your nose up Troy an' Sands ass....but when we're up front....you're quiet and you STILL have your nose up there ass.

Besides boys....if Joey's a Geriatric and I'm an imbecile....if Joey can nearly win the World title and I pin the IC champion....what exactly does that say about the two of you considering we weren't anywhere near each other to begin with??

Fact of the matter is kids, it's like medicine, every now and then you need a dose to keep fightin' the sickness that's eatin' at ya to stay away from ya abit longer if not for good.

What does that mean??

It means that as far as Joey an' I are concerned, EVERYONE ELSE is cutting in on the action for a shot at something that quite frankly should already back around our waist, an' all you irritants out there KNOW that.

Even the doughnut guy down the street from where I have to pick-up Joey's weekly "Melton's Dozen" apparently has "The Project" just abit on the underdog side with the rest of you tag-a-longs when it comes to betting on who's going to win.

Trust me...if there's anything that I know Joey DOESN'T like, it's finding out that he's not favored in something.

Which makes my job even harder than it was in the first place.

Damn you fools for butting yourselves into our business....damn you ALL.

(Fadeout.)

 

[EpyonMarx]

[FADE IN. Leonard Johnson stands alone in front of an EPW banner in one of his typically cheap suits]

LJ: Sometimes I wish there were an intelligence test to get into this company. I honestly do. It boggles the mind how some of these people are still employed when combined they have the intellectual capacity of an amoeba.

Confused? Shocked into a silence reminiscent what we see from the majority of the tag-team roster? Don't be. Let me explain.

Cameron, when I made that remark about geriatrics, I wasn't refering to Melton. If you look at the triple threat elimination match at Unleashed, you'll find that Melton was the much younger acting man. He was quicker, sharper, stronger than you. Everyone knows he's an imbecile. By the simple process of elimination, you should have seen I was refering to you as geriatric. Your movements in that ring make Ric Flair look like a luchador. And as you'll recall, it was when Melton left you that you lost the titles. Something tells me he's carrying you around on his coat-tails.

Of course, here is your oppertunity to prove me wrong. To prove that moving around on your ass hasn't given you piles yet. But somehow, I see you choking on this oppertunity. Your words aren't certain. Your mannerisms scared.

But then, at least you've had the grace to make your presence known to us. I wonder if the rest of the tag team roster has all fallen ill. Our champions I can maybe understand. They do have busy schedules as champions. But the rest of you? For shame.



I know, I know. I know that Melton and Cruise should have had a rematch by now. So should Blitz over the drawn match. But Mr Ryan, in his infinite wisdom, has given you all an oppertunity. An oppertunity to become tag team champions of the greatest company in wrestling today. Either you can seize the day, or you can meekly accept your fate. Try to change it and go down in a blaze of glory, or sit on the sidelines and let yourselves be blitzed.

Because make no mistake about this, Blitz are ready. There is only one team in this match who has any chance of surviving us, and that's the champs. Not even you and Melton, Cameron, are going to make it through this one.

And that, my friends, is a promise. Cruise, Priest, Eisenkreuz... good luck. The rest of you... hope to hear from you soon.

[FADE OUT]

 

[TSiegel]

(Fadein, Cruise in front of an EPW backdrop.)

CRUISE: Forgive me then Mister Johnson, I suppose I owe you an apology for my miscue.

Then again...perhaps not.

You see Leonard....if your turning things around on me makes me more horrible and awful in your eyes as far as skill is concerned...then explain to me a few things:

A: How in the world did I make it farther than you could ever DREAM in NFW as a last place contestant in the season, and almost nearly make the finals, thus surprising virtually the ENTIRE wrestling world??

B: How could I have been able to not only do that...but outsmart Boogie Smallz and pin our current Intercontinental Champion smack dab in the middle of the ring??

And finally C: I've made it to the top of the mountain with the same man I started out hating with every passion of my beating heart, but have since then started to enjoy being around the so-called "Sexual All-American". How?? What can I say....guy has since then grown on me.

My question to you sir, is that your team has always been on the same page since day one.

If I'm a geriatric and pinned the EYE-SEE Champ....and Joey's done more things in this business with one head more than he has with the other before you were even BORN....

How come Blitz still hasn't been champions??

More so than that....why can't you come up with something legit to compare than a DRAW??

Food for thought Mister Johnson....food for thought.

(Fadeout.)

 

[EpyonMarx]

[FADE IN. Leonard Johnson, cheap suited, is sitting in his office as the Cameron Cruise tape winds to a close. Chuckling to himself, he addresses the camera directly]

LJ: You know, you never fail to amuse me, Cameron. Pinning the IC champion. Big wow. You nearly made the finals of the NFW's playoffs... who cares? Why do you think I stopped mentioning Blitz's successes on the independant circuit? Could it be because... other feds don't matter here? A simple little concept... the people in other feds aren't the concern of the EPW faithful. They aren't their concern because they're not as talented as the men and women we have here. And as talented as they are, they do have off days. Didn't Karl Brown just beat Adam Benjamin, after all?

Outsmarting Boogie Smallz... gee, what a difficult thing to do. Outsmarting a man too stoned to be coherent in speech, let alone thought. Kudos. And as for yourlack of mathematical skills... I'll leave that. Melton obviously hasn't taught you to count yet.

You do, however, make one valid argument. You and Melton have more success here than Blitz, at least in terms of titles. But... somehow, I don't see those titles around your waist any more. I didn't see you against the Crimson Calling, Assassins and Covert Ops, when this division had some meaning to it.

You and Melton helped cripple this division. Blitz are going to help this phoenix rise from the ashes, elevate it to heights unknown and unparralled in wrestling HISTORY.

Why do I compare something to a draw? Why do you keep mentioning pinning Sebastian Dodd? If anything this draw holds more weight than your win over Dodd. Sure, Troy and Sands may have had an off night. But I doubt that from those two. Possible. Just like you winning this match is possible. But both are as highly unlikely.

Prove me wrong, Cameron. Drag yourself and your partner to the event and prove me wrong. Prove to the world why you and Melton deserve the titles back. If you can't, then get out of the way before you get struck by lighting.

[FADE OUT as Leonard Johnson sits grinning sinisterly at the camera]

 

[TSiegel]

(Fadein, Cruise in front of an EPW Backdrop.)

CRUISE: Perhaps I'm not making things too clearly for ya, Leonard.

It takes alot to become champion, it really does.

Guts....Endurance....Heart....everything else that one can name as parts of what it takes to be a champion you can name, so I'll stop while I'm ahead.

Besides....an apparent English Major like yourself leading two foreignors on a quest to the top of the mountain like you are....it wouldn't be fair for me to do all the work, now would it??

See, the fact is that I keep mentioning men like Sebastian Dodd and the Boogie Man because it's public knowledge that they've both made it as singles champions and one of 'em as tag champion. Perhaps not so much for you on the subject of Smallz becuase hey....you weren't always on this end of the circuit so I'm willing to cut you some slack and explain.

It takes alot to become champion here Leonard, both singles and tag....believe me, I should know. Dodd's overcome the odds of being known as a newcomer and a moniker raper to win the Intercontinental title. Boogie....he's been a multi-tag team champion since even before you brought your boys together in the first place to start this apparent "quest".

Boogie's also beaten Sands and Troy in singles' action on the way towards becoming the last and now defunct GWE World Heavyweight Champion.

I mean I may not like the guy much but if you're stoned and you can compete with two champions like Sands and Troy at the same time and still come out on top....maybe the chumps got a little skill in him to begin with.

But whether he likes it or not....whether you like it or not, Sands an' Troy an' everyone else likes it or not....

I got one over on him, and Dodd, in a matter of matches...which was pretty consistent if you ask me.

But you go right ahead and make me prove you wrong, Leonard.

Because Joey an' I have both beaten you before, with or without the titles.

All those other teams may not have had the chance to face us....but we've been all over this great nation of ours and defended those titles that we won fair an' square....against you an' your boys.

We've beaten corporate businessmen....farmers....overweight monsters....even a few midgets.

We've defended those titles and competed successfully without 'em from Florida to Alabama to Kansas all the way to VEGAS BABY!!

And we'll have no problem doing it again, because both me an' Joey KNOW....that that's just a Reality Check that you just....won't like.

(Fadeout.)

 

[QueenOfTheRing]

It's a marvelous night for a moondance

Fade-in: Lindsay Troy, chocolate chip cookie in her hand.

I hate to be the one to interrupt the growing sexual tension between Cameron Cliche (Beau's jealous now, Cammy...he knows you're hitting on another man) and Leonard Johnson, but this newsflash was brought to my attention and it cannot go unattended any longer.

Apparantly Cameron pinned Dodd in a meaningless tag match.

Troy looks SHOCKED! She bites of a bit of the cookie, chews, swallows, then extends it toward the camera.

Want some, Cammy?

Or would you prefer a delicious Eggo waffle instead?

With jelly or syrup?

Cut-to: Chris Rock.

I prefer syrup!

Cut-back: Troy.

The problem with you guys is that you force me to watch tape after tape of your promotional spots just to find little nuggets of truth that I find worthwhile to respond to.

Do you realize how hard this is for me? I have to Babelfish German translate half of Blitz's promos just to understand what the hell they're saying, and even THEN the translations aren't 100% accurate.

And let's not get me going on Babelfish Idiot translating Cliche's promos.

I can't just be satisfied with making you all look good in the ring; I have to replace you completely. That means Madame Troy must inspire. But when I look at you boys, your eyes all wide and doe-eyed at the possibility of taking the tag belts away, I just ... I just don't feel inspired.

I feel pity.

The ragamuffins Priest and Eisenkreuz have to Elmo & Patsy their way into this match by using the dreaded NOOGIE OF DOOM~! Max can't seem to get Ryan's c**k out of his mouth and Cameron...Cameron's expanding his vocabulary to incorporate "irritants" because CLEARLY his "reality check" line wasn't quite cutting the mustard.

Melton's got to be feeling pretty cold with Cameron taking over the white-hot spotlight like he has. Next thing I know, he'll have a matching diamond-studded robe.

That hasn't happened already, has it?

The only person of any intelligence that I've heard from is Leonard, and that's only by default.

No Len, Cameron piggy-backing Joey isn't enough. He's gotta BE THE MAN!!!

Voice-Over: WHOOOOOOOOOO!

Cammy has to stake his reputation on somebody. Does it surprise you that it's Joey?

Does it surprise any of us?

Let's cut the foreplay already. Len, make sure Max, sans mini-Dan, and Jecht are ready for the Roulette because there's some unfinished business to settle.

And maybe, if your boys are good, I'll let them have the scraps of the Cameron Cruise Project.

All good things must come to an end.

Just not my tag-team title reign.

Fade...

 

[EpyonMarx]

Re: It's a marvelous night for a moondance

[FADE IN. Leonard Johnson is standing in front of an EPW backdrop. He seems to have splashed some cash this time, actually wearing a decent suit for once]

LJ: And so it comes down to this. Russian Roulette. Tag Team Turmoil. The pinnacle of tag team wrestling in this company... or not. You see, we have Eisenkreuz and Priest, Sands and Troy, and Melton and Cruise, going up against Blitz. No-one else has said a word. Hopefully they've been training hard to give Blitz a challenge. Because looking at the intellectual calibre of Eisenkreuz, Priest, and Cameron Cruise, the only trouble we're going to have is against the reigning, and soon to be defunct, tag team champions.

It may not be a lot to anyone here, but in the past twelve months, there has been one team that's stood the test of time. One team that time and again has shown the tenacity, if not the luck as yet, that champions require. One team who has been steadily improving, readying themselves to take the gold from the best this industry has to offer. And at Russian Roulette, Blitz are ready to take their deserved place. I don't deem it worth my time to point out the idiocy of Cameron Cruise.

I will, however, give credit where it is deserved. Troy, you and Sands have been admirable champions. Of the three teams to date who have held that title, I must say you have impressed me the most. But, Troy, believe this. Your time at the top is coming to an end. At Russian Roulette, in Tag Team Turmoil, the odds are against you and your partner. The odds are in the favour of the team who has been most consistantly improving. Whilst they are not up the claims I once made of them being the PERFECT combination of power and speed, they are fast approaching that plateau, where few have reached. You yourself have reached it, to be certain. But you'll see that Blitz have surpassed you when the final bell tolls for thee.

Come Russian Roulette, Blitz will fulfill their potential. And a new era of tag team wrestling will begin in Empire Pro. An era where the tag team titles are worth something, and era where people tune in specifically to see the titles defended week in and week out. Only the longest serving team on the roster can give those belts that credability.

And that, my friends, isn't any of you.

[FADE OUT]

 

[QueenOfTheRing]

Meditation XVII

Overconfidence.

Fade-in: Lindsay Troy, with her half of the tag belts strapped around her waist.

Leonard, before you attempt to beat the odds, be sure you could survive the odds beating you.

For every winner there are dozens of losers. Odds are, Max and Jecht are two of them.

Cammy's intelligence level is old news. The reporter covering the story gave up months ago when there was no signs of an IQ boost. Hanging around Joey hasn't exactly done wonders for him in that department, but rumor has it that Melton showed him a thing or two in the bedroom...by using Mercedes as a demonstration tool.

I can neither confirm nor deny this.

You've talked about odds, you've talked about credit, and your boys have talked about respect.

All those things and two fifty will get me a coffee and a bagel at Dunkin Donuts, my friend. We're talking the American Dollar here, and I'll still have enough change to leave a tip.

Nothing in this world is perfect. John Donne once wrote, "affliction is a treasure." In this business, strife sells.

But if you think Blitz is going to get a championship bonus in their next paycheck at MY expense, think again.

Think again.

And while you're pondering this, I'll be kicking Max's and Jecht's teeth in just to show them AND you that odds don't mean a damn thing.

Especially when it comes to me, a person who has defied ALL odds to get where she is today.

Don't preach to me, son, because I've heard the sermon before.

I just deliver it better.

The bell tolls for him that thinks it does, but mine won't be tolling for a long, long time.

My time at the top isn't coming to an end...

...It's only beginning.

Fade...