Are you serious???
(FADE IN to Boogie Smallz sitting in his living room, in a black leather couch. He is sporting a Karl Kani t-shirt and jeans. He’s got his hair in braids and is puffing on what looks to be a cigar.)
BOOGIE SMALLZ: How ya like me now? I told the World last week that wasn’t nobody holdin’ me back from goin’ ALL OUT in my GX-Dub debut. Mr. One Time, Jingleheimershmidt, thought that he was just so great…thought he was flawless…thought his s(BLEEP) didn’t stink. But what happened when you underestimated Boogeezey (boo-gee-zee)? You lost…just like a bunch of punk ass TRISCUITS are gonna end up doin’ in the long run, when they cross paths with me! Baffles…you want anotha’ match with me, by all means, step the f(BLEEP) up…to get knocked the f(BLEEP) out! For a guy that has a lot of titles on his resume’…you sure didn’t show me s(BLEEP) last week! I saw that last promo you did…the way you looked into that horse’s eyes…I could have sworn it was love. (Laughs at his joke and takes a nonchalant puff of his blunt.) I’m just kiddin’ wit’ ya’…you really are a top-notch talent. (Pauses) SIKE!(Grins)
I feel that I brought some folks togetha’ last week at Onslaught. Maybe somethin’ about it inspired me to get a new lease on life. I have made some big decisions. (Takes his blunt and mashes it into an ashtray.) I just want you guys to know. I’m gonna quit smokin’ weed. It’s just not me. It makes me do things I don’t like and just like the PIG said last week…someone has to watch out for the kids. (Pauses) SIKE!(Smiles and then goes straight-faced again.) Man, don’t y’all know? I’m futhamuckin’ Popeye…and this is my spinach! (Pulls up ashtray filled with blunt roaches.)
Nah, really…in all truthfulness, I looked forward to going out there and giving it my all against the Shockmaster. I know he means all business and that he is gonna give me a run for my money. Man, if the situation was different…I would think we could hang. Ya know, really bond and be a tight clique in the back. So let’s squash all this! Let’s go to the bookers and demand they give us new opponents…because thinking about it…I don’t think I can fight you...SIKE!(Laughs) You knew it was comin’…ya had ta’!
I’m gonna cut out all the “SIKES”…including the one they got me matched up with at Onslaught! Two Jacob’s in a row…what are the odds? Don’t matter, cuz reason being is…his ass is gonna get beat just like the last one! You call yourself the Shockmaster? What have you done that was worth a damn? What sort of “shocks” have you given the wrestling world? I’m guessin’ NONE…but boy, I’m gonna give you that opportunity. Shock ME…do what I don’t think anyone else can do in GXW…beat Boogie Smallz! It won’t happen. The only time I’m on MY BACK is when I’m bench pressin’ or f(BLEEP)in’ b!+ches! BELIEVE ‘DAT!
(Boogie reaches into the ashtray on the table and relights a half-smoked blunt. He takes a few good hits and gets it going again.)
You people there in the GXW offices must have me pegged as some sort of chump. Every time I come out here to say a few words to all my dirtys…or my peeps, you always wanna bust out with some ridiculous ass s(BLEEP). There wasn’t no need to show that fat hairy bastard…who looked a lot like Jingleheimershmidt, at the end of my last promo. Who the hell is gonna go out and buy some s(BLEEP) like that? Don’t nobody want no futhamuckin’ Tenactin! What the f(BLEEP) do I look like…John Madden? I am getting’ sick of this…
(Snow appears on the screen for a split-second…before a color-bar shows up, followed by a black screen. A logo appears in white letters reading “Pilgrim Oats”. Fade in to an elderly man walking on the sand, by the ocean. There are kids behind him flying kites in the summer breeze. The old man walks up to the deck of his home and has a seat on a bench. It is the movie star from such hits as Cocoon and The Firm, Mr. Wilfred Brimley.)
WB: Grandchildren…ya just gotta love ‘em.
(Smiles and looks off into the distance where the children are playing.)
WB: They love to eat junk food, ice cream, and sugar filled cereals. (Shakes his head.) Well not when grandpa is on duty! (His friendly face quickly changes to that of an angry man.) When they eat all that junk, they get annoying. Start jumpin’ up and down, laughin’ at each other, and not listening to what the hell their grandpa is saying! And from what that there Marty Povich fellow says…they could probably be on crack!
(Wilfred spots a hot chick in a bikini walking down the beach and it quickly puts him at ease. After staring at her for a few seconds, he turns back to the camera and gives a heartwarming smile.)
WB: What they need is a great hearty bowl of oatmeal. With vitamins A & C, enriched calcium, plenty of riboflavin…and loaded with potassium! It’s meets the USDA’s guidelines for daily nutritional requirement…and (Rubs his belly.) mmm mmm…it tastes so good! That’s why our good friends at Pilgrim Oats have come out with a variety of flavors to choose from, especially for the kids. (He looks off into the distance and yells for the kids.) KIDS…GET YOUR ASSES OVER HERE…NOW!
(The kids quickly run up to the deck, a few of them tripping themselves up along the way. They look very sick, like they are suffering from malnutrition.)
WB: Damnit Jimmy, what did I tell you last time about pickin’ up your s(BLEEP) instead of leaving out here on the deck? I damn near broke my neck by stepping on your roller-skates!
J: Sorry Grandpa. You are going to feed me today, right?
WB: (An evil scowl on his face, quickly changes to one of concern…once he remembers the commercial.) Of course, pull up a seat…I’ve got a big ass batch of oatmeal on the stove.
(Wilfred is seen walking out of the kitchen into the dining room, where the children are surrounding a table. They each have a large bowl in front of them and Wilfred has a large pot of oatmeal and it scooping out huge heaping amounts into each of the kids’ dishes. After each one is filled, he turns his back to the kids and smiles at the camera. The Pilgrim Oats logo appears on the screen. One of the kids gets a spoon full of oatmeal and flings it towards one of the kids on the opposite sides of the table. The child begins to cry and Wilfred gives a grimacing look into the camera before turning around and yelling.)
WB: Damnit kids, stop goofing around and eat your f(BLEEP)in’ oatmeal!
(FADE TO BLACK)