There is no such thing as a cold start for this shit. A highly motivated Barry, offering to provide the voice-over, works his magic to open this promo with a BLACK SCREEN AND WHITE TEXT.
SOME TIME AGO IN THE AMAZON RAINFOREST, A YOUNG ORANGUTAN WAS CAPTURED BY POACHERS.
HIS FATE DETERMINED, THE ORANGUTAN WAS SOLD TO A LOCAL BRAZILIAN CIRCUS AND TRAINED TO DANCE FOR ITS PATRONS.
Just to change up the atmosphere, the white text begins to blink rapidly :
IT WAS REALLY SAD.
And then, back to normal.
HOWEVER, ONE NIGHT AS THE ANIMALS RESTED IN THEIR CAGES NEAR THE BEACHES OF PRAIA DO TOQUE, A CARELESS EMPLOYEE LEFT THE ORANGUTAN’S CAGE UNLOCKED.
IT WAS THEN THAT THE ORANGUTAN WANDERED TOWARD THE OCEAN…
...AND ENCOUNTERED A SHARK…
Cue flash text again.
...WHO WAS FEMALE AND KINDA HOT TO THE ORANGUTAN. SO THEY HAD SEX.
And back to normal text.
THE RESULT OF THIS, NINE MONTHS LATER, WAS FOUND ON SHORE BY AMERICAN ENVIRONMENTALISTS. THIS ABOMINATION, LUCKY TO HAVE COMPLETELY BY COINCIDENCE FOUND THIS THING, WAS SMUGGLED BACK TO THEIR HOME BASE IN LAKE ERIE (THE OCEANIC PART,) JUST OUTSIDE OF THE CANADIAN JUNGLE.
With this, our scene begins to fade in to a green-screened scene of a jungle that is just about to be hit by a giant tidal wave off from the left. Thankfully, the tidal wave appears to be frozen stiff (due to cold temperature, we assume) so the rainforest is currently in no real danger of the long-term effects of global warming. In the background, we really begin to set the mood of the interview with a coupling of two fairly recognizable songs:
♬ Welcome to the jungle! ♬
♬ We got fun and games! ♬
♬ We got… ♬
♬ Surfin’ USA! ♬
♬ ‘Cause everybody’s gone surfin’ ♬
♬ Sha-na-na-na-na-na KNEES KNEES! ♬
With this, entering stage right is who we assume is “Sci-Fi” Russ Spackler. But, who can say for sure? Spackler, dressed in a full gorilla suit and mask while also wearing board shorts and a very large dorsal fin glued onto his back, meanders into the scene. Upon closer inspection, we see that his furry legs and forearms are also accented with shiny scales.
“OOOOOH OOOOOH OOOOOH OOOOGA BOOGA! GLUG GLUG GLUG!”
Spackler, the half-shark half-ape hybrid, is followed out by a cute blond girl wearing a wetsuit and scuba gear, as well as a giant safari hat over her head. Give her credit for consistency.
“DUN DUN. DUN DUN. DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN!”
Mumbling through the theme from Jaws, Spackler starts to swim-walk in unison...
“DUN DUN DUN DUN DUHNA DUHNA DUNHA DUNHA DUNHA...PBBBBBBBLT!”
...until he stops it abruptly with a fart-like sound. Turning back toward the camera, he shrugs, then reaches into the back of his outfit with his hand. From it, he pulls what we hope to hell is a handful of chocolate pudding.
“AGGGH AGGGH AGGGGH AAAAAAAH AAAAH AAAAAAH OOOH OOOOH AHHH AHHHH OOOGA CHAKA OOGA CHAKA!”
And with this, he launches the handful of chocolate pudding RIGHT INTO the camera lens, thus fading out appropriately.
