“Ah, intellect…”
Our RLW cameras open to a seated shot of one “Sci-Fi not Science Fiction” Russell Spackler. We use the proper longhand version of his first name, as he appears to us clothed in very dignified attire over his gorilla/shark disguise. Wearing a giant lime green leisure sport coat over a giant t-shirt that advertises the Pizza Hut BOOK IT! program and a pair of jumbo pleated khakis, the apefish is certainly the pinnacle of refinement. Also worth mentioning is that he is currently “smoking” a pipe that appears to be fashioned entirely out of a banana peel.
As for the background? A bookshelf setting that is poorly green-screened behind him, Spackler sits in a large study chair, holding a back issue of Highlights for Children in his hairy orangutan hands. Next to the chair sits a small end table with a two-foot stack of old Highlights magazines.
”You see, with this informative periodical, I continue to gain knowledge that allows me to overcome the gajillion trillion obstacles that come with every wrestling match. For instance…”
Russ clears his throat before leading aloud.
”Ahem. Goofus plays with his food. Gallant uses proper table manners.”
Nodding his monkey head, Russ properly closes the magazine and sets it politely onto the table with the others.
”You see, much like Goofus, I enjoy playing with competition that I devour. And as we all know, Goofus went on to become a high-ranking executive with the Enron corporation! I am not sure how Enron is doing, but my guess is that they are still in Ron and not out of him, making zillions of cola nuts in the process.
“And at Slamtrack Tres, Raucous will become my toy. I will insert him into a precarious position, and he will vibrate with fear! Things may get messy, but the climax will be well worth it.”
Spackler holds up a sole index appendage (I don’t know what apes’ fingers are called so FUCK YOU) to segue into his second point.
”Although, much like Gallant, I use manners. So Go-Go Spectacular, I will fold you…properly, like a napkin, using you to wipe my mouth should we have barbeque chicken. I will pull out the mat like a chair and let you sit on it AS I AM MAKING A FOOTPRINT IN YOUR FACE. And, above all else, I will remember to say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ like a gentleman…”
Spackler pauses momentarily, scratching the top of his skull with a gorilla fingernail.
”I was going to say something cool there but I forgot. Edit this part out, Barry.”
OK.
”So, at the Sullivan Gymnatorium Facility, it will be I who will be crowning, thanks to my library card and the lessons I’ve learned from NOT A KIDS MAGAZINE but a highly respected periodical. It will be the first step for both gorillas and sharks to eventually take over the professional wrestling industry. I will be a George Harrison, if you will: crossing the Maryland River which is in Chicago and seizing independence which is a thing you wear on your head.
And that, as they say, is that.”
And with a PowerPoint “Whoosh” effect, our scene fades to an RLW logo…
”Also BookFace, follow me back on the Twitter."
