SLAMTRACK 5: Kid Koala & The Second Coming v. Russ Spackler & Ivan Dalkichev

[brusch]

SEMIFINAL TAG TEAM MATCH - Red Crown Tournament

Roleplaying thread for Kid Koala & The Second Coming v. Russ Spackler & Ivan Dalkichev

1000-word roleplay limit
No stacking allowed whatsoever

Roleplay deadline is Friday, November 14 at 11:59pm Red Line time

Winning team goes head-to-head for the Red Crown Championship at RUSH HOUR

 

[fugginVOSS]

Re: SLAMTRACK 5: Kid Koala & The Second Coming v. Russ Spackler & Ivan Dalkichev

(FADE IN: on KID KOALA sitting in an old Chevy convertible with the top down. The doors and body of the car a rusted between hints of what might have been a lime green paint. He lounges in the driver’s seat with it laid down just enough to relax.)

KK: “I am smarter than you.

“And you.

“And you.

“And you.

(twirls a finger around in the air, laying his head back) “All of you.”

(KOALA sits up, leaning his elbows on his knees and his head in his hands.)

KK: “See, the method behind my madness is that I’m not consumed by my own legacy. I’m consumed by my own DESTINY. Ya feel me?

“I’m a concept the common, modern day man cannot afford to understand because I’m so paralysin’ to the simplistic nature of your minds tryin’ to make me out to be so complex.”

(KOALA shrugs and lounges once more, looking off to the side and not addressing the camera.)

KK: “I’m actually not complex at all. I’m as simple as I’ve told you all along.

“If it feels good – do it! It’s simple. Simplistic. You just think too much about what needs NO thought at all.”

(Sitting up a little, he claps his hands in prayer and bows toward the camera.)

KK: “My condolences to the Second Comin’, however.

“See, little lady, I’m kinda a little indecisive as to my level of participation in this contest right now. On one hand, I’d really like to see how the whole system relates to me holdin’ up the Red Crown. On the other, I’m kinda interested in seein’ how the system relates when I disallow YOU from holdin’ up the Red Crown.”

(KOALA stands in the foot well, placing an imaginary crown on his head and taking a bow.)

KK: “I’m at somewhat of an impasse about the whole little ol’ thing, y’know, sista?”

(He flops back into his chair, arms outstretched and feet on the dashboard.)

KK: “Chea. Hmmmmm.

“The pros and cons.”

(Holds his hands out like they were weights, tilting from one side to the other as if there were items in his hands and the balance of power would bring him to a decision.)

KK: “I’ve written a list on the back of a coaster at the local pub but they came and cleared my table so I’m back at square one.

(finger waggle) “But not really. I guess I’ll just see where the moment takes me. See where the winds carry me. There are pros on both sides of the fence, and on top of the fence. I guess when the time comes I’ll know what to do. What we should do.

“And I’m really lookin’ forward to goin’ on the journey with you. Chicago seems to have fallen in love with you. You’ve really taken their hearts. You’ve captured them. Their attention is maintained within your illusion. This charade you’re playin’. And I’m enjoyin’ it. One day, when you’re ready, you’ll let them all get to see the real you. Who you really are. What really makes you tick.

“Why you are in fact comin’ for the second time?”

(He stops as if something he’d said offended him.)

KK: “And I mean that in the least creepiest way possible.

(shrug) “Or not.

“I don’t really care how you take it, but you’ll come along for a ride with me whether you like it or not. You have no say in this. I am drivin’. You are my passenger. Buckle up, princess.

“I like goin’ off-road.”

(He nestles in behind the wheel, steering as if he were out on the open road.)

KK: “And we face the shark monkey guy and Russ Spackler. To whom the bell shall toll.

(hits the side of the door) “Dong.

(and again) “Dong.

(again) “Dong.

(one more) “Dong.

“Quasimodo eat your heart out, yo.

“See, their journeys are entwined with ours. How delightful an idea to see those to at the pinnacle. Clamberin’ at the zenith. Champin’ at the bit to hold a Red Crown. A monster and a mad man. A mad monster and a man. A madster and a mon.

“Whatta you think, Second Comin’? Can I call you Secsy? Nope. Creepy. Comin’? Hrmmm…. That’s not any better.”

(KOALA stops, thinking of the possibilities of nicknames for his tag team before pawing the air as if it didn’t matter. Resuming the pretending to drive.)

KK: “My dear, I’m goin’ to let you navigate to an extent sittin’ there in the passenger seat, traveller mug of coffee steamin’ in the cup holder. Window down, just a fraction, not down enough to make the fumpin’ noise the wind makes when you have your window down just so. The sky is clear. The road open. The world whizzes by. And while you get to navigate some of the turns I’ll arrive at the final destination without your consent.

“I am the driver, man.

“You are my passenger.

“Will we let these dudes aboard? Hitch hikin’ down the road? Thumbin’ at their desired location?”

(KOALA mocks twisting the wheel violently off course as if he were aiming towards something, bunkering down in his seat and showing his intent with his body language.)

KK: “Or do I side swipe them and paralyse them beneath my vehicle? V8 engine drivin’ over the top of their carcasses spinnin’ the wheels in their blood and their guts and their goo?”

(He over exaggerates stomping the break and his body feeling the sharp stop, bouncing back and forth in the seat. He slumps into the chair again as if exhausted.)

KK: “I will let the moment come to me. Let it make the decision for itself.

“I have no intent on plannin’ this journey.

“Let’s let the road guide us.

“What do you say?”

(FADE to BLACK!)

 

[The Second Coming]

Re: SLAMTRACK 5: Kid Koala & The Second Coming v. Russ Spackler & Ivan Dalkichev

"I am The Second Coming, Koalabear. I could explain it to you, but I don't think you'd ever be able to understand."


(FADEIN on a semi-surreal painting of a wrestling ring. The ring was outlined in red, the ropes were red, the background was red. Varying shades, of course, so we can see what it is.


Inside the ring, Kid Koala is a literal koala bear dressed in his wrestling gear with bloody lips and paws. Russ Spackler is painted with a shark head, fin, and dress made of tentacles, and Ivan Dalkichev was full - on Zangief'd, complete with red bathing suit and cartoon scars.


Overseeing them all was the Second Coming herself, painted twice as large and draped in shadows, as if she was the puppet master. This part wasn't finished yet, the part that 2C was currently working on with her bare hands while dressed in "painting gear" of a very - streaked black wifebeater and knee - length spandex exercise pants.)


The Second Coming: "So you want to be the captain of the team, you want to set the tone in this match, Koalabear?"


"Fine."


"I don't care whether you do all the work or I do all the work, as long as the outcome is the same: we win, and we become the top contenders for the Red Crown Championship. It makes my life easier if I can come out to the apron, watch you pin the Siffy boy or the Bolshevik, and go back to the locker room without having to change or shower before going home."


"The problem is that I don't trust that you'll be able to handle things, which means I have to get my hands dirty."


"I'm fine with that."


"We're not enemies right now, Koalabear. We're allies, if not friends. The Red Line people were pretty clever with the setup for their championship. The only way either of us makes it to the end of the road is if we help each other."


"Think of it like the Hunger Games. The odds are much more in our favor if we work together."


(She turned her attention back to her painting for another few seconds.)


2C: "We win, we move on. Then we can deal with your other inadequacies."


"Deal?"


(FADEOUT)

 

[RStrawsma]

Re: SLAMTRACK 5: Kid Koala & The Second Coming v. Russ Spackler & Ivan Dalkichev

CUE UP: "Allegro con Fuoco", the fourth movement of Antonin Dvořák's "New World Symphony"

(We fade in on the sight of "THE LAST TITAN" IVAN DALKICHEV, an unlucky sparring partner clenched in his mighty grasp, floating gracefully downward toward the canvas in super slow-motion. Flesh RIPPLES upon impact over a powerslam, the speed of the footage perfectly catching the AGONY upon the opponent's face as four-hundred pounds of destruction presses down on his chest. Slowly, like an abyssal giant rising from the sea, the sweat-drenched Crimson Colossus rises back to his feet, stone-faced gaze burning down on his victim... then he looks off to the ringside.)

(Cut to NATHAN FEAR, standing near the apron, wearing the smile of a czar as he basks in the glory of his creation. He glances to his right and makes a gesture with his hand... and when the camera pans over, we can see a line of random local wrestlers, dressed for the ring but looking understandably hesitant. The next man up takes a large gulp as he gingerly slides into the ring. He gets to his feet... and immediately SQUELCHES as Ivan's massive hand shoots in and grips him by the neck!)

(We cut back to fear and the line of wrestlers, just as the SLAM from the impact in the ring can be heard off camera. The local ham-and-eggers wince, while Fear closes his eyes and lets out a sigh of satisfaction. The sound of the weak hitting the mat is like music to his ears.)

"Mr. Fear!"

(All at once, his expression melts as an older, bespectacled man in a doctor's coat hurries into the shot, taking the businessman by the arm by one hand while brandishing a mess of papers in the other. Fear quickly removes his grip and brushes off the sleeve of his onyx-black suit.)

Nathan Fear
Doctor Levy... shouldn't you be down in the lab?

Doctor Levy
Uhh, didn't you tell me to come to you with the test results as soon as I have them?

Nathan Fear
Whatever, I don't have the time to argue on meaningless details... just give me the results.

(The doctor's brow furrows with worry as he reshuffles a few papers and finds one which he quickly scans over.)

Doctor Levy
Let's see, uh... his cardio and adrenal level have gone through the roof... and there's a pronounced increase in muscle mass... and --

(He's cut off by another deafening THUD as another body hits the canvas. Fear gestures to the next guy in line, who is noticeably pale as he goes into the ring.)

Nathan Fear
...and?

Doctor Levy
Well... according to the psychological evaluation of the exam, he's showing an increase in aggression and hostility. I almost couldn't get the whole way through the test, because by the fifth question, he was already threatening to rip my head off.

Nathan Fear
Everything you're telling me is great news, Doctor... yet you seem very agitated.

Doctor Levy
I'm not sure how you could call this "great"! This... rather unorthodox training and conditioning procedure of yours is having drastic effects on his body! The intensive physical exercises... the ... not to mention, those dubious "vitamin supplements" from overseas that you keep forcing into him. No regular man could be expected to survive this under normal conditions...

(SLAM! The wrestles wince... Fear smiles, completely unphased by the physician's concerns.)

Nathan Fear
Then it's a good thing Ivan is no regular man...

Doctor Levy
Bah... well, he seems to be adapting to it for now, but if you keep pushing his limits in this way, then I can't guarantee the outcome of his long-term health!

Nathan Fear
If that's really the case, then maybe it's time I find myself a new doctor.

(Doctor Levy bristles, holding back on an angry outburst.)

Doctor Levy
You called ME for my consultation... and I'm giving you my professional opinion!

Nathan Fear
I called YOU because you were supposed to be the best nutrition and bodybuilding doctor in all of Chicago, and I need a man of your expertise to ensure that a man of abnormally large size reaches his ABSOLUTE full potential! So far, you've proven that you can at least perform your job... but I'm not paying you to dictate the direction of this project. Understand that I am FULLY AWARE of the "risks", and have taken them into account. That being said... we continue moving forward.

Slamtrack 5 is only days away... and I need him to be in PRIME condition when he's in the ring for the main event. I need him to be UNSTOPPABLE, as he carves a path of conquest to the final round of the Red Crown Tournament. Although I think many would agree... this "tournament" is a pointless formality. This city, and the fans of this pissant indie league called Red Line Wrestling, have already seen enough of "The Last Titan" in action to understand that he is UNDISPUTED greatest athlete in the locker room!

But even with this being a tag team contest, I have a hunch that Ivan will be forced to carry the deadweight of his opponent through much of the match... although I'm sure he'd be fit to compete on his own, should it be necessary. Those nameless punks standing across the ring... some, Kangaroo Man... and another mouthy girl, like that pesky Go-Go Spectacular... they don't stand a CHANCE against the Raging Russian! Ivan Dalkichev is only two TITANIC strides away from becoming the first Red Crown Champion... and once the throne is his, the rest of the world will finally take notice!

(An ANGUISHED MOAN fills the room, cut off by ANOTHER deafening thud. The line of local talent has come down to two guys. As Fear gestures for the next man, they exchange a glance, look back into the ring, and quickly opt out with a shake of their head. Annoyed, Fear dismisses them, and turns his attention back to the doctor.)

Nathan Fear
Now, without all the other crap I'm in no mind to hear about... just give me your "professional opinion" as to whether or not he's fit enough to accomplish this come Slamtrack 5.

(Doctor Levy bites his lip angrily.)

Doctor Levy
...he's fit, alright. Fit to take on an entire army... much less two wrestlers.

Nathan Fear
That's good to hear. Now, if you would be so kind... get back to work, or stop wasting my money and time and get the fuck out of here.

(Fear and Levy stare each other down in a long, tense moment. Finally, the doctors groans in frustration as he heads back to the door where he came from.)

Doctor Levy
I'll be in the lab then... because SOMEBODY has to give a damn about that man's life!

(Fear smiles his lupine smile as he watches the doctor go. No longer having a train of inferior-sized sparring partners at his disposal, Ivan has exited the ring, and joins his manager. Fear clenches his fist and looks intently up into his pupil's eyes.)

Nathan Fear
The time is COMING, Ivan... I can feel it... and I know YOU can feel it too. Everything we've worked for up until now... everything we've been through since I first found you back in Japan all those years ago, being weighed down by that miserable little goat-shit... it's all culminated to THIS.

YOUR MOMENT, Ivan...

(Dalkichev's cold, Siberian tundra-blue eyes stare off into space... envisioning his moment of glory.)

Nathan Fear
The WORLD will be shaken by your impact! You're going to break expectations... you're going to break RECORDS... and most important of all...

...you're going to break BODIES.

Many... MANY bodies...

(Fear chuckles sadistically as he pats Ivan's cheek... and the camera fades to an angry shade of RED!)

 

[fartknocker]

Re: SLAMTRACK 5: Kid Koala & The Second Coming v. Russ Spackler & Ivan Dalkichev

Thanks to the magic of our high-tech camera crew, our scene opens IN THE JUNGLE…
















...or really just next to a few trees in nearby Portage Park. But that, friends, is where the magic comes in. You see, through the power of SCIENCE FICTION (video editing), not only are we joined by the one and only Sharkutan Russ Spackler, but joining him in a CGI-generated campfire circle (in the broad daylight) are a few other familiar faces that fans of a certain cable network may come to recognize!




To Spackler’s immediate left and sharing a log with him is a skeletal mass with a pair of green glowing eyes and a toothy grin. The abhorration known as the Bone Eater notices the camera and gives a quick wave, then hams it up by performing his favorite magic trick: pretending to pull his index finger off by using his other hand’s thumb. Of course, since he is only made of bone, it is obvious that it really isn’t his index finger.




Panning to opposite log left, it is the HIT STAR of the movie Locusts: The 8th Plague! Yes, you guessed it -- a gathering of locusts, hovering just over the log as locusts can’t really sit. Oddly enough, though, they are preoccupied with trying to unroll a sleeping bag, which proves difficult for a group of insects that don’t have arms.




And last, but certainly not least, over to the right is easily the most recognizable character from the SyFy channel. Ladies and gentlemen, prepare to meet GRYPHON!




...okay, so no one knows who GRYPHON is and you wanted Sharknado, but eat me, we ain’t exactly running on the budget to afford such a name to appear in this piece of crap. Aside from that, GRYPHON isn’t doing really anything out of the ordinary, save for trying to roast a human arm on a stick over the fake campfire.




“Ladies and gentlemen, I am sure you’re wondering why I called this emergency meeting of Revolting Monster Conglomerate and All-Around Good Buddies tonight at our secret place,” Spackler remarks.




A frisbee flies dangerously close to the top of Russ’s head, with a nearby voice shouting “SORRY ABOUT THAT!” as a figure runs in view behind them to retrieve it.




”As you know, I compete for the opportunity to become the first Red Crown champion for the wrestling organization Red Line Wrestling. This, as you’ll agree, becomes the first step in the spiral staircase for universal domination, so I need not remind you of how important it is that I win,” Russ continues.




“But,” interrupts the ghoulish disaster Bone Eater, “how does winning a wrestling championship hold any relevance to our takeover of Earth?”




Spackler shakes his head, threatening a backhand for asking such a stupid question.




”Shut up, Boney. Do you not know how many wrestlers would have had the opportunity to do this HAD they won a wrestling championship? Everyone knows that if you can wrestle real good, this earns you votes in Minnesota. First, Minnesota, and then THE WORLD -- it is the only logical progression, you fool!”




“WHY DO YOU HAVE A CONCERN ON THIS WEEK’S MATCH?” asks GRYPHON, in his trademark screeching and yelly tone.




”I’m glad you asked, Gryph. You see, the nincompoops for RLW have ‘shaken things up’ by making the semi-final in this tournament a tag team match, so there is a very real risk that my partner could mess this up for all of us!”




“Bzzzzzzzzzzzz!” the Locusts cry out.




”A great point,” Russ nods, “the odds would not be in my favor with ANY partner, but out of all of us competing, I am stuck with a large Russian known as Ivan Dalkichev.”




“Isn’t that good, though, boss?” Bone Eater clamors. “Don’t you want the biggest and the baddest in your corner?”




“SHUT UP, BONEY!” exclaimed the three other members of the party.




”Do you know nothing, you brainless skeletal nitwit? Have you never seen Rocky IV? He also has a flaw that is nearly a fatal poison for ANYONE on his side, including the horrificational powers that I possess…"




“NO...NOT A…” GRYPHON stammers in fear.




”Yes,” Spackler responds solemnly. “A male manager.”




The campfire flickers ominously and Bone Eater lets loose a terrifiying girlish scream of horror.




“A male manager? NO wrestler with a male manager has been able to earn a title shot since the mid 80s!” the Locusts proclaim.




”Precisely. But fellows, I have a plan to contain Mr. Nathan Fear’s schedule so that he will miss this match, thus increasing my chances of victory FORTY HUNDRED FOLD! For I have taken the liberty of preparing a 65-slide PowerPoint presentation of how you all will help me to accomplish this. Now, if you will direct your attention toward the fi….uh….uhgggggghgghhhhh…”




From out of nowhere, a large novelty dart flies through the scene, piercing the Sharkutan directly in the head! A net quickly drops from the sky, trapping him instantly, which also simultaneously causes the rest of the monsters to vanish into thin air! From behind the trees comes three figures clad in camouflage, as they carefully march up to Spackler, who is quickly being subdued by the tranquilizer and slowly losing all ability to try to fight out of the net.




“We got it! We got the Sharknado!” one man suggests, as they creep closer to their catch.




“Man,” a second chimes in, “this ain’t the Sharknado! It’s some other stupid character that no one cares about!”




“Dangit,” the third remarks. “We can’t do nothing with THIS on EBay! What are we gonna do now?”




“Welp,” the second man thinks aloud, “we could always have sex with it and then kill it.”




“BRILLIANT!” exclaim the other two poachers, as they start to work on bunching up the net and carrying their prize off the scene...