(THE FOLLOWING WAS RECORDED ON MAY 25th, 2009 8:04PM ET)
(FADEIN to the home of Jared Wells sitting at his little bar next to his pool in the backyard. Wearing a pair of swimming trunks with Hawaiian flowers on them, he is relaxing drinking a Captain & Coke, along with one half of the EPW tag title sitting there. Camera pans around then turns black and white zooming to side of his face)
JARED WELLS: So, yesterday I happen to be in my hometown in Baltimore for the Memorial Day weekend. Ron Riggz, who I haven't seen in years called me and wanted me to join him and head to a cookout party later that night. I said daddy has no problem with it, let me check with Cameron Cruise because The Dangle Brothers were destined to party it up for the weekend. He was cool with it.
Typical old school Ron told me to be ready around seven and he'll send his favorite lady Kim over to pick us up. I tried to convince Ron that daddy doesn't need it because I'll have a limo take us. Ron Riggz is a broke MOFO who relies on crack to sustain day life and often is seen running at full speed no matter what reasons. God bless him. Just too bad I've known him all my life. I agreed to the ride but I warned him and reminded him that things are not the same way. Typical Ronnie line for over twenty years....
"OOOH COME ON DAWG! YOU KNOW ME!"
Cruise the entire time thinks this is hilarious. Killing time for the Dangle Brothers, there is nothing like a cold dirty thirty as a pre gamer. Having killed most of it in my home, our ride Kim is finally here. I peaked out the curtain and I couldn't believe my eyes. A lovely 1984 Chrysler LeBaron convertible was parked right in my million dollar mansion along with the smell of gasoline. Cruise still laughing his ass off. Head outside to catch our ride and Cruise just so happens to push me towards the passenger side as if we were fighting not to say shotgun.
Car ride was beyond fun when the driver is F(BLEEP)KED up on LSD and telling the Dangle Brothers that she is no longer a junkie, but a punk rocker on a mission to win in life. At the same time she is offering her services to me, talking on the cell phone, smoking a cigarette, and drinking a beer the entire time driving.
So we finally pull up to the house in the hot S(BLEEP)T LeBaron. I was a bit caught off guard because the house was huge which was not like Ron Riggz standards for partying. I remember telling Cruise that we won't stay long and I feel bad for the basehead but he's been my long life friend. 'Ol Kimbo stumbles out of the car and we follow her into this house of cluelessness. Finally into the house we go following our easy sex partner Kimbo. I remember asking her arriving through the front door where the bathroom was. She said it was on the right but for some drunken reason I made a hot left into the bathroom. Remind you it was raining all day so the tracking of wet shoes on marble was apparent.
Type of guy that Jared Wells is has no problem pissing all over the toilet seat nor raising it. I just don't give a damn. But the S(BLEEP)T really started to happen when I heard Cruise and Kim still at the front door inside the house. A random voice of.....
I kept saying to myself that doesn't sound like Ron Riggz, Kim or Cruise. Then all of the sudden I heard Kim shout.....
"OOOOOOHHHH S(BLEEP)T WE ARE IN THE WRONG HOUSE!!!!"
I knew we were in a world of S(BLEEP)T then. A grown man taking a leak in the wrong house, as my ride pranced off into the sunset with drugs and ambition. Cruise once again thinks this is hilarious standing on the front lawn. I remember the long slow shake at the toilet then going up to the sink, washing my hands, rubbing water over my face, hair and hearing everything in slow motion by the owner of the house......
"WHO THE F(BLEEP)K ARE YOU AND WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE?"
The water got hotter and hotter, then I realized that one of two things had to happen. One, I knock this MOFO out and take a run. Two, I talk my way out of it being apologetic and a man. Neither happened. Daddy walked out the bathroom and the gentleman knew exactly who I was.
Cameron Cruise claimed that was the greatest night ever and in someways it was true. Kimbo was never heard of again, and the man that owned the house invited myself and Cameron Cruise in his living room for a few drinks with his wife. His son Rickey who was twenty two just sat on his laptop the entire time trying to convince Cruise and myself to join his facebook mafia. Even got the "Are you on Twitter?". I said "Kid, daddy is international." Jared Wells really wanted to knock the kid out for having no life. Few hours later I realized I used to have a fling with this guys wife. He was some politician who was never home for his wife. I can't remember her name.
What happened to Ron Riggz? Well I never heard back from that MOFO, and when that ten year mark comes, I'll be getting my paybacks.
Happy Memorial Day or weekend? I don't think so. Until now........
Jared Wells will face The Phantom Republican in the second round. Let me make this message loud and clear for the entire world, especially for The Phantom Republican. I could careless about some left nut job politician telling Jared Wells what's right and wrong in the world.
Is it my fault that the republican man down the street from me knows that his wife is one hell of a screamer when he's not around? Penis paraphernalia is all up and down the houses on my block thanks to male politicians. You have your republicans, your democrats, and you have DADDY.
Set aside all your beliefs and realize what you are getting yourself into. Jared Wells has been all over the world, been there done that. I've beaten your crackheads, your college grads, your vikings, your children, your world class athletes, your minions, your gods, and virgins. Gordon O. Powell the former NEW World Heavyweight Champion relied on perfecting the art of lying and faking compassion for the business just to earn the general public support. And in Kentucky, you'll know why I'm the infiltrator, I'm the tribe intoxicator, I'm the people incarcerator, and I'm the liberation movement annihilator.
I refuse to play debate with Gordon O. Powell but I will ask you one question that revolves around politics brother. Who really is nailin' Palin'? Seriously who?
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