Valhalla Productions 210 - Viva la Viking
(Fade in from black… within the illustrious mead hall of Olvir Arsvinnar. On any given day, this would be a place of lavish debauchery and endless gaiety… but an unnerving, gloomy silence hangs over the room like a black veil of mourning. So smothering is this pall that now hangs over the House of Arsvinnar that we don’t even get our typical titles…)
(As the wrestling legend turned reporter Terry “THE IDOL” Anderson steps into the frame, a look of worry is clearly displayed on his now full-bearded face. He takes a few passing glances at the sparse dwarf-shaped impressions here and there on the walls as he comes to the once might throne, where sits the once mighty Viking… the WOE that is Olvir!)
(No longer do we see that inanely elongated grin besmirched upon his gloriously bearded face, being replaced with a curt, slightly puckering frown. No longer are those cold Arctic blue eyes flaring with the heat of a thousand sons, but now cold and desolate, staring off miles away beneath a solidly furrowed brow. Without any of his regular zest or splendor, Olvir rather languidly sits with one massive fist supporting his head, unmoving and taking no notice to the reporter as he hesitantly approaches his side.)
Terry “The Idol” Anderson
Uhh… hey, Olvir. How’s ya doin’?
(No answer from professional wrestling’s only Viking pornstar. He continues to stare off beyond the camera, as if Anderson weren’t even sharing the same plane of existence. Anderson rubs his chin, carefully thinking how he should go forward with this.)
Terry “The Idol” Anderson
Well, I guess that goes without saying. Obviously, you’re upset… I mean, ANYBODY would be upset after coming that far. But, you shouldn’t be
too terribly disappointed. Hell, you practically came out of nowhere and overcame some of the
best names in professional wrestling to date! That’s something almost unheard of, especially in an industry where legends of the past and of the future regularly dominate the scene. Really… just because you didn’t succeed in making the finals doesn’t mean you didn’t turn more heads than anybody else in that tournament!
(The Great Viking stubbornly continues to ignore the reporter, if he’s even hearing him. Anderson presses on.)
Terry “The Idol” Anderson
On top of all that, it’s not like you got beat by a
nobody, or anything! After all, Ravager
is one of TEAM’s most decorated contenders, and the TEAM Challenge Champion to go with that. There’s no shame in losing to a man with that kind of credibility… who was seeded higher than you to begin with.
I mean, it’s not like he made you tap or knocked your lights out or anything. He beat you with a
roll-up, of all things… and that’s no
SO terribly bad, is it?
(Again, Olvir doesn’t respond… but the silence only lasts a moment before Terry Anderson notices a low trembling emanating from somewhere in the building. It’s minor at first, but as the seconds pass, it gains more and more presence, and in almost no time, the reporter is wavering on his feet as the building violently SHAKES around him, plaster falling from the ceiling, and a deafening RUMBLE filling his ears!)
(In a panic, he turns to Olvir… still seated on his throne, but suddenly, it becomes apparent where the incessant quaking is coming from! Eyes practically BLAZING and mouth curling into a vicious sneer, Arsvinnar SHAKES all over with volcanic rage! Finally, unable to control his frenetic anger any longer, the Viking BLASTS OFF onto his feet! Threatened by a WALL OF STEEL ABDOMEN and the wrathful Norseman’s massive fists flurrying through the air, Terry Anderson DIVES out of the frame! At once, a gaping maw of teeth and black void appears amid Olvir’s lengthy golden beard as he throws his head back and emits a thunderous roar that can be heard for miles.)
Olvir Arsvinnar
GGGRRRRRRAAAAAAAAARR
RRRRRRRRRRRGGGHHHHH!!!!!
(Unbridled wrath is unleashed as Olvir’s massive throne is promptly LIFTED UP and TOSSED ASIDE as if it weighed nothing! As it lands with a violent CRASH somewhere off camera, the Viking wields his battle axe in a single stroke and RELEASES IT with Olympian strength, leaving it whirl-winding through the air until the blade BURIES ITSELF in the stone wall, carving off the horns of the helmeted dwarf standing there that was missed only by INCHES, and would no doubt have been sliced in half had he been of regular height! The rampage doesn’t subside as Olvir’s powerful hands grasp upon the end of his long wooden banquet table and the Viking promptly FLIPS IT OVER, sending a bountiful feast and several jugs of mead crashing upon the stone floor in RUIN! As he senselessly destroys everything and anything in his immediate vicinity, the Norseman throws his head back and again and lets out another howl of battle lust!)
Olvir Arsvinnar
THE COWARD!! THE PUNY, FEEBLE
COWARD!!!
HE COULD NOT
BEAT ME, SON OF ANDER!! HE COULD NOT FINISH ME OFF ON THE BATTLEFIELD LIKE A
WARRIOR!!
(Seething from every pore and lungs pumping like a pair of locomotives in his ribcage, Olvir’s massive hands find the lapel of Terry’s jacket, who can merely tense up and brace himself for the rending he likely faces. Instead, the Viking pulls him INCHES from his face, still wild eyed and spewing the reporter’s face with spit with every booming word that comes out of his raving mouth.)
Olvir Arsvinnar
Nay, he was not MAN ENOUGH to defeat the GREAT OLVIR!! Even so, he was OVERCOME by his GREED and selfish desire for GLORY, which is why he could only settle with STEALING the victory with that pitiful “ROLL-UP,” thereby denying, me, ME,
ME, THE GREAT OLVIR his DIVINE RIGHT and DESTINY of being the GREATEST WARRIOR in the WORLD!!
Terry “The Idol” Anderson
B-but OLVIR, I mean… th-that’s the nature of the sport, man!
I-I mean, n-not to say you didn’t beat his ASS up and down that ring, Olvir! You were great! You were UNSTOPPABLE!! B-but you gotta understand, what it all comes down to in the end is which man gets the other’s shoulders on the mat for the three count!
(Continuing to shake, fume, and boil all over with every muscle tense and every vein popping out of his chiseled frame, Olvir’s blazing eyes WIDEN as he looks as though he could just throw the poor bastard straight to the moon…)
(…and then all of a sudden, the Viking seems to shrink a few inches as the unfathomable rage leaves his body. Replacing anger on his noble face is now an expression of despair and sadness. Weakly, he releases Anderson and turns away.)
Olvir Arsvinnar
It is… of no consequence. I am
beaten, Son of Ander. My Greatness has been…
stifled by the better man. I… I have
failed…
If I am not the greatest, then I am…
nothing… nothing but a
failure in the eyes of the Great Odin.
There… is nothing left more me now…
(Sadly, Olvir pulls aside the bear-hide and disappears inside, pulling the curtain back in its place to shut himself off completely from the outside world. Tentatively, Terry Anderson comes right outside the entrance of his bedchamber.)
Terry “The Idol” Anderson
Olvir… seriously, it ain’t that bad!
Olvir Arsvinnar
Leave me be, herald. I no longer have any reason to speak to you.
Terry “The Idol” Anderson
But Olvir, I’m still a Viking-In-Training, remember? Don’t we have a few more lessons to go through or anything?
Olvir Arsvinnar
The Vikings… what are they now? I was the hero of my people… and I have failed them…
(The reporter’s demeanor is now nearing irritation.)
Terry “The Idol” Anderson
Come on, Olvir, you’re being RIDICULOUS about this! You’re acting like a THREE-YEAR-OLD!
It’s just
one loss! Sure, there was a lot at stake… and sure, flash pins suck. They
always suck, and I can tell you that from experience! But losing is a part of life, Olvir… not just for professional wrestlers, but for Vikings too!
Everybody loses at some point, Olvir… but you know what sets a
REAL warrior apart from all those others losers? It has nothing to do with how many fights he can win in a row… or how much ass he kicks… or how much ass he
taps… no, far from it! Rather, the REAL warrior is the man that faces that loss, learns from his mistakes, and comes back to fight again with something to PROVE!
So now I ask you, Olvir… Butt-Dominator… Father of a Thousand Bastards… do you have something to prove??
Well, I think you do!
PROVE that pin was nothing but a fluke! PROVE that you can continue DOMINATING that ring! PROVE that you truly are the greatest warrior on planet earth by REFUSING to allow this shortcoming to set you back from your ultimate destiny!
(Moments of silence pass…)
VALHALLA PRODUCTION COMPANY
Presents
(…then emerges a pair of proud horns in the space above the bear-hide curtain, which is soon pulled aside. Standing tall and proud and looking out now with eyes wide open, there is OLVIR ARSVINNAR.)
OLVIR ARSVINNAR
In
Olvir Arsvinnar
Son of Ander… your WISDOM is deep and all-knowing! There is no doubt that you speak the truth!
Not a customary frame of mind for a Viking-In-Training… but rather, a full-fledged VIKING!!
Terry “The Idol” Anderson
Believe me, Olvir… a couple months ago, I’da probably just let you sit in there and mope, and I likely would’ve just went back to my craphole apartment and done the same thing. But you know… spending all this time with you, I’ve had a lot of opportunities to step back and
think about what it means carry a c*ck and balls between your legs.
I
was nothing more than a washed-up has-been… but here I am at 47, and I feel like I could hop back in that ring at any moment and kick some ass like I did when I was 25. You helped me realize what it means to be a
man, Olvir… and because I don’t have any money or virgin daughters to repay you, I figure I might as well guide you down the path of destiny!
(KAPOW!! The insane ear-to-ear grin returns upon Olvir’s face, who POWERFULLY claps his hands upon the reporter’s shoulders!)
Olvir Arsvinnar
Then we shall MARCH upon that path, Son of Ander, as the NOBLE VIKINGS we are!
"VIVA LA VIKING"
(The Viking promptly turns to the empty expanse of his mead hall and holds up a hand next to his mouth.)
Olvir Arsvinnar
My loyal subjects… REVEAL YOURSELVES!! My GREATNESS is restored, and the FESTIVITIES may commence!
(From behind various tapestries, cushions, and other art-deco emerge Olvir’s loyal following of midget Vikings, popping out like munchkins to the song of Glinda the Good Witch, and soon joined by the Norseman’s harem of scantily-clad babes. An overall expression of relief and joy is on every shining face as they return to their master.)
Olvir Arsvinnar
The lucky RAVAGER may have narrowly escaped the HUMILIATING and CRIPPLING destruction I was bound to bring upon him… but eventually, there will come a time when the GREAT OLVIR stands before him once again, with newfound RAGE and PASSION!! Certainly then he will be unable to elude me with his petty “ROLL-UP,” and be forced to conquer the UNCONQUERABLE!!
But until the day comes upon us when I am is granted another opportunity to prove my greatness… there is still ANOTHER title I seek!
Terry “The Idol” Anderson
What’s that, Olvir?
Olvir Arsvinnar
HA HA HA HA!! The next Supershow approaches soon, Son of Ander! While the chance to pronounce myself as the strongest WARRIOR in the sport wrestling… I, Olvir Arsvinnar, The BUTT-DOMINATOR, Father of a THOUSAND Bastards, will prove himself as…
THE STRONGEST PORNSTAR IN THE SPORT OF WRESTLING!!
HA HA HA HA!!
(Terry seems taken aback… not so much by the surprise of the announcement, but perhaps wondering what could lead any person to believe Olvir already isn’t professional wrestling’s strongest pornstar. Regardless, the Viking takes a bold step forward, gazing off eons beyond the horizon, holding out his hand as his magnificent voice rings out.)
Olvir Arsvinnar
Let it be known to ALL… that the Great Olvir challenges ALL men across the globe strong in FIST and LOINS to an invitational competition of his own! On Supershow, a BATTLE ROYAL of mass scale will take place… and the one combatant with the COURAGE, STRENGTH, and THRUST to conquer my GREATNESS will be proclaimed as professional wrestling’s STRONGEST pornstar!
Of course, if there is not a man who is able to achieve such an IMPOSSIBLE feat, then my status as the TRUE Butt-Dominator will remain intact!
Terry “The Idol” Anderson
Well… I guess an open challenge of combat to all comers in the world of pornography is a step in the direction of your destiny… but don’t you think you’re putting a huge target on your back by just coming out and saying that YOU are the man to beat?
Of course, a VIKING lives without fear… but can you really HANDLE that many foes all at once?
Olvir Arsvinnar
HA HA HA HA!! The Great Olvir REVELS in the thought of DOMINATING so many! In fact, it is almost as GLORIOUS as dominating just as many SWEET, SUPPLE ARSES at once!!
But there is not enough time for talk, Son of Ander… plans must be made! QUICKLY!! Somebody fetch my Enchanted Horn of Heraldry!
Terry “The Idol” Anderson
Uh, somebody wanna hand this guy his cell phone?
(One of the dwarven servants promptly fulfills the order. Of course, because the average razor phone would easily be CRUSHED to smithereens in the great Viking’s massive hand, the brilliant minds at Verizon have developed a custom-made horn-shaped phone that fits perfectly in his clenched fist. Intensely, the grinning Norsemen jams his fingers down on a series of runic numbers and holds it up to his ear. The cluster of midgets and babes gathered around him comes to a hush… and after a few rings, somebody picks up on the other end.)
Olvir Arsvinnar
YESS CHAPEL!!!
The GREAT OLVIR has a MOST GENEROUS proposal for you…
(Fade to black.)
